stepfather
Posted By: nanna23 on 2005-08-17
In Reply to: There have been some things with others in the past - uncomfortable and need advice
Can you check court records online in yuor area? We had a neighbor who was really off the wall, especially with the kids in the neighborhood. Found out he had 5 charges for sexual deviant from former neighbors, wives, and was not registered as he was supposed to be etc. That changed the whole picture!
Then again, I had an uncle that was always "orinery" but never any indications of lewd/sexual behavior until the mid 70's after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Never really ever heard profanity from him until then and wow, it was the worst...actually had to be placed from one NH to another because of it.
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Stepfather
First, recognize that he's an old fart who probably couldn't do anything if he tried. Tell him in front of your mother to knock it off and repeat till the message gets through. I personally wouldn't let it bother me but if it did bother me that's exactly what I would do. Of course I'm too old of an old fart myself to have to worry about anyone putting the make on me.
inappropriate stepfather
I'm an adult, in my mid 30s, and have had a stepfather for the past 15 years. Lately, he and my mother are at each other's throats, extremely unhappy, but he is too old to leave, in his 70s. Ive never been close to my mother but go over there weekly or a couple times a week to talk or share a meal. For the past few months, my stepfather has made me uncomfortable with sexual comments, looking at me in a sexual way, and suddenly wanting to hug me and will not let me leave without a hug, which he has never done before. Its gotten so bad, I do not want to go over there anymore. I don't want to say anything and cause a big stink because its all so awkward. I don't know if he's getting senile or what. He also takes constant pictures of me whenever i'm over there. I've stopped going over there and I dread it, but I feel guilty. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Its changed our relationship. I have talked to another family member about it too and she thinks I should tell him to stop, but I'd be extremely embarrassed. I just dont want to be around that environment, but I dont want to completely cut off ties to my mother, even though we are not all that close anyway, she's my mom.
re: inappropriate stepfather
Some of you remember about this topic a few months back, and you all supported me so well, that I decided to post again on the subject. I hope admin does not remove this, I know it should be in the depression forum, but no one goes there and you all were so nice before so...
I had told you about his advances, the comments, the suddenly wanting to hug, and the inappropriate looks. I have been wearing all but a potato sack, messy hair and no makeup and even let myself not smell so good, to keep him away, but nothing works. I still want a relationship with my mother, and she does not like to go out, so i'm stuck going over there all the time. Ive even gotten downright rude to him, do not look at him or direct comments anymore, and he has gotten so daring as to now touch me inappropriately.
Last night we went to dinner, I didn't want him to go, but of course its my mother's husband so he's there. I gave him the cold shoulder the whole night, ignored his flirting and just talked to my mother. Towards the end of the night, when I was leaving their house, I hug my mother and he was standing right there waiting for his. I am extremely uncomfortable with this, so I just say bye. My mother got furious and wrote me an email as to why i've become so cold towards him.
Well, with me holding all this inside for so long, (besides telling one person who has a big mouth and really did not help me out much at all), I blurted out that I want nothing to do with this family, I will not be coming around anymore. There is no WAY I can tell her why. So i've just made the decision to stay away from the family, in order to spare her embarrassment. I think it's the right decision. I'm going to be extremely lonely, because it couldnt come at a worse time with the holidays coming, but I have no other choice.
This whole thing is humiliating. I can't believe she does not see him doing these things, but she does tend to fall into denial to avoid things. But with her accusing me of being "cold"...well, thats the last straw. I need to stay away, and I don't want the entire family to know about this around this time, even though i'm ready to explode. Writing here has helped me somewhat. I wonder if i'm making the right decision. My family adores this guy, his own family won't have anything to do with him. I feel like i'm all over the place, but i'm just so confused and sick. Wonder if i'm doing the right thing by removing myself and keeping this under wraps at least for the holidays? The only person who is miserable is me, and i'd rather it that way than the embarrassment of this all coming to light. Very lost.
Thank you guys for hearing me out. Again, admin sorry about the off topic but I posted it here before and it really helped.
re: innappropriate stepfather
I forgot to mention, i'm in my mid 30s, and he is in his 70s. I originally thought it was a senile thing on his part, but I don't know anymore. I posted awhile back for others opinions as to whether I was blowing things out of proportion. I think if something makes you uncomfortable, there is no question that it is inappropriate. It definitely is a red flag that his children do not like him, one daughter is estranged from him. I met her a few times and she has some mental disorders, schizophrenia, uses drugs, and is completely out of it. There is something questionable with the other daughter as well, and I've talked to her a little bit more, but she will not outright admit anything. The thing is, he puts a good show on for my family. Since i'm an adult, I think I should be able to handle it, but i'm not able to anymore so i'm just removing myself.
Inappropriate stepfather
What does your husband and other family members say about his behavior? There is a possibility that his estrangement from his own children could have to do with a bitter divorce rather than inappropriate behavior. You say the rest of your family adores him. Why not talk to them? If he is being inappropriate with you, he is probably being inappropriate with other female family members. I doubt he'd just single you out, especially with your doing your best to appear unattractive. If you are not married, is it possible that there is a twinge of jealousy that your mom has a husband and you don't and you are imaging this? Not meant to be hateful, just wondering why you would allow this to continue.
inappropriate stepfather
I was molested by my stepfather from the ages of 8 to 12. I ended up telling my mom when I was in my 30's. She was horrified that she had not known what was going on, but did nothing. Life went on with me trying to stay away from my stepfather and never letting him be alone with my two daughters. Then one day I was at my mother's alone with my youngest daughter and he was there. I was in the other room, working for my mom that day, and my daughter came in and asked me to come sit in the living room. She laid down and went to sleep. I thought she must be getting sick. The next day she said she had something to tell me and my heart sank. I knew before she said the words. He had began to touch her inappropriately and that is when she came and got me. I took her to the doctor I worked for and the police were called. I also went and confronted him at his job. Funny thing he was fired the next day for "some reason." He was arrested, after running for a while, and ended up pleading guilty in court. My daughter was 10. I lost my mom and sister over it, they thought I over reacted, but my daughter had the reward of knowing she stopped this man from molesting others. Not long afterward he developed lung cancer that very quickly metastasized to his brain and he died on a Christmas Eve. You have to tell to protect others. I live with guilt daily because I never told when I was young. Stop it now before he does this to others, if he is not already.
Inappropriate stepfather
My heart goes out to you in this terrible situation. BUT, to not tell you mother the absolute truth is to go along with, be involved with, and perpetuate the environment that this degenerate soul buries himself in to continue hisr sickness. You must see how this sick man has placed himself in a family that will not speak out. They do this because they attach themselves to a person or persons in a family that keep quiet about inappropriate sexual behavior. Your mother is a victim too but until she has this situation blatantly shown to her, she will continue to go on protecting him. She may even go on to protect him once she is confronted also. That is a chance you will have to take. But that is not your problem at that point. You know this is an unhealthy situation and unlike your mother and stepfather, YOU know the difference. Your uncomfortableness is your ticket out of the situation, painful as it is, you do know what good mental health is. This situation is telling you that. It is sad, but sexual inappropriateness can run in generations of families simply because it is not brought out in the open and the chain broken. Just think that some other innocent female, child, could also be put in harm's way because this sick man is allowed to by not exposing his illness. I feel your pain about your concern for your relationship with your mother and what will happen, but you are whole and have no reason to dress entirely covered up. You have a RIGHT to be yourself and not go out of your way to minimize this man's illness. By doing so you are being part of this dysfunction. Be strong, seek professional guidance or a support group. You lose nothing. It is only a matter of time before your mother breaks out of this suppression. Chances are like so many other women, deep down inside she probably has some suspicions that something is not total right with this man. The hard part is hoping your mother changes.
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