save your marriage but be smart

I do notice you started back pedalling and saying "oh it's not really so bad and he is my best friend" Once you started getting some responses to get out of the marriage. 

I am glad you can see that your husband and marriage has some really positive traits but please it won't help you to minimize the areas where you are having trouble just because you are under fire.

I don't agree  that you should just up and leave your husband. He does sound like he might have some very serious issues and possibly you as well for putting up with this treatment but I dont' judge because each relationship can have some problems.  The key is recognize and try to solve not to fight.

 Tell me -- how can you miniimze the fact your husband is living it up so to speak -- going out with friends whenever he wants WITHOUT you.  While you stay home like menial labor taking care of kids. 

A marriage is  partnership where each individual needs to be able to pursue their own interests but the thoughts, feelings and well being of their partner has to come into play as well.  A marriage cannot survive when only one partners needs are being met and the other's are ignored. It just depends how long you are willing to put up with it or how long before he crosses another line (into an affair maybe when he is out alone). This is dangerous territory and you need to stop minimizing the situation and realize you marriage might be in grave danger.

What is sounds like is your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants a great social life without you and kids tagging along -- reliving his single days possibly -- working out when he wants, going out to lunch or dinner.

There is nothing wrong with him pursing his individual interest and friendships --- we don't become bound at the hip when we become married -- we need to have our own sense of self. But the problem here is he DOES have a sense of self and readily pursues his own interestes but does ALLOW you to do the same. This is not partnership -- but it is control and oppression. 

While you still may get along well, have great sex etc this is not a healthy realtionship for either of you and your children will see that you constantly defer your dreams and desires and wants at your husbands wishes whilst he does whatever he wants.  Is this a lesson you want to teach them?  That woman should be kept in the home and be basically a maid, a cook, a childcare provider and at-home worker but does not deserve respect and dignity from husband and to be treated equally?

You can turn this around.  I am not suggesting you just bail.  Do as you suggested.  Stand up to your husband. Don't argue. Simply state (don't ask) that you will be going out -- if he refuses to watch the children then DO hire the sitter.  When you are both more calm let him know that you understand his desire to pursue his own interests and friendships and your support that -- but you deserve the same right.  Also you both need to balance those things with family time -- which should come first.

Consider martial counseling but don't just leave. See if he will agree. You and your husband need to see why he is so passive/aggressive towards you and why you are willing to put up with that. If you are religious seek Christian couseling and prayer from a pastor to help save your marriage.

However, if he refuses to change, refuses counseling you may come to a crossroad where you might have to consider if you can live under these conditions.

You should be afraid my dear.  I am divorced had a similar husband. I would be very frightened your hubby might be having an affair or might consider one.  He has you under his thumb... he comes and goes as he pleases and there are no repercussions. He does not respect your rights or see you as an equal patner. What does he do with his "buddys" -- go to the bars? Are there late nights? Business trips?

I am truly not trying to be mean but you need to open your eyes to the possibility where this might be going... and please do NOT say it won't happen to me because ALL women who have had a husband cheat think that. 

Also get yourself an education if you don't have one - work on a degree. I know you work as an MT but can you support a house and 3 children on that??  If you marriage does end... what will you do to make a living? Start thinking of taking some online courses or one night at community college.  Get another skill if you don't make enough as an MT.

Please just consider advice from someone who has been there. I am a single Mom with 2 boys. Was married over 10 years.  Been there and now struggling to make ends meat as a single parent. Wish someone had advised me the same. 

By all means work on your marriage but be prepared. Get educated. Save some of you own money in a bank account don't keep everything in his name.... It's hard to fight denial but you need to watch our for your kids and your future while trying to fight for the marriage.

• Look, if you are single and don't have a man in your life - be GLAD! - Mad as you know what
  • Key word here is CONTROL - you need to take some back - been there
  • Listen - most men have more selfish ways than women. sm - Happily Married - 19 years.
  • The best husband is the one YOU train! - crack that whip! NM LOL!
    • I knew mine was trained the day he said, "Yes. You are going to do it anyway, so just yes." - Good boy.
  • I don't get it. Why do you just smile and tell - him to have a good time? - sm
    • But, she said the sex is SOOO good. Isn't this a twisted sort of situation? - sm
      • Hel*, you could get sex anywhere. You don't - need it from a controlling abuser. - nm
        • And, not just sex, but relaxing, enjoyable sex. Perhaps the OP doesn't - sm
          • So are you telling me or hinting that I should just leave him and find sm - OP
            • Why do you have to leave him for another man? Why not leave for yourself? - nm
            • If you left him, it would not make you - selfish. sm
              • save your marriage but be smart - ej
              • Agree, it's called codependency or being an enabler. You allow it, whine about it, - but won't do anything (sm)
            • If you are making it sound worse than it is, don't be surprised that we believe you and post - accordingly. nm
          • And anyone who is THAT controlling and suspicious - usually IS running around! - nm
            • very true, in regards to my friend I mentione below - sm - Laura E.
  • I think you ought to kick the creep to the curb and be done with him. - What a real jerk he is! sm
    • The sex is too good. LOL Besides, I'm a committed girl. I do love him. He's just a jerk somet - OP
      • Sounds like a friend of mine - he is now her ex-husband - sm - Laura E.
      • Some of the best sex I have had has been alone. Sex is no reason to put up with a jerk. - nm
        • LOL! You calls 'em as you sees 'em, girl! - nm
      • Then you're doing yourself a disservice, just because the sex is good. - sm
        • I personally prefer to have good sex with someone who is nice to me. nm - M
          • Same here. There are plenty of men - to go around. - nm
            • Hey, I never said I was a whore...I enjoy sex with my husband, not just any man! nm - OP
              • Major patriarchy brainwashing. - Yuck. - sm
          • Exactly, and how can you really have good sex with someone who is mean and - sm
        • Mine is a lot like that too. - in-house employee
          • So do something about it. - nm
        • Agree. - nm
  • Oh how I remember it well....sm - I feel for you.........and your situation
  • You Go Girl!!!! - b
  • I'm Sorry - LinK

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We don't need the fake stuff when we've got the real thing.

is important, and it IS definitely relevent, is because it does make a difference.  When somebody  dates, is engaged, is educated, gets married, and THEN has children they overwhelmingly do better in society than single unmarried women.  Not that there are not exceptions, of course there are, but being single sets you up right from the start to be disadvantaged financially and in numerous other ways.

It also sets a bad example for your children who grow up thinking this is okay behavior, which then perpetuates the practice of having children out-of-wedlock.   Children need 2 parents.  The role of a man and father has been so marginalized since the  1960s/1970s, but it is truly an  important part of the upbringing of a child. I really believe that with all my  heart.

Good lord.  Why is it when someone does not want to do something with their spouse it is "assumed" another woman and/or man involved? If he just started working and is probably working hard, long shifts etc, maybe he just wants a day to himself to sleep, lounge do whatever.  Call and talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Maybe he is the cautious type (I know my husband is), but maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just wanted to sleep/lounge/have a day for himself.  

I am sure he misses you and the kids, but I am sure he is also tired. 

You also said in your post you trust him 110%.  Then trust him.  Let him know how you feel, but respect him and don't go see him.  Yes, you are an adult and no you do not need his permission, but you are his other half, you need to respect him (and vice versa).

Good luck and don't pay attention to the negative posts.    

My husband doesn't want to work.  Never has and probably never will and it took me 16 years to figure out that nothing was ever going to change.  He has been in and out of college over the years with a number of different majors and when he is on the verge of actually finishing something, he up and quits, because I believe he doesn't want to actually go out and get a job.  He loves the going to school part, the studying, etc., but the actual finishing and putting his education to work, that's too overwhelming.

For years I made excuses for him, supported him, and actually believed that as he got older he would mature and finally find his way.  He's 42 now and runs off every day with one of his unemployed friends to play frisbee golf or go hiking or water skiing or fishing while I'm sitting at home at my desk typing until my nose bleeds!

I was one of those women afraid of being by myself.  I recently had a major depressive snap where I cried nonstop for three weeks.  I found a great doctor who became a great friend and she helped me find the right medicine to get my head clear and then she helped me realize that I don't have to be afraid of anything.  I was already supporting myself and my kids without anyone elses' help.  What was so frightening about leaving my husband behind?

So quietly I made my plans to leave.  I let my husband know that I was going to move back home to the area where all my family still lives when school let out this summer.  He didn't believe me because I had said it all before.  So I just made sure he knew I was thinking about it again.  Then May came along and miracously a job opened up at the hospital in the small community I wanted to move back to.  This hospital never has openings because they virtually have no employee turnover whatsoever.  Everyone's been there at least 5 or more years.  I took it as a sign and made my move.  Within two days of submitting my resume, I had an interview set up.  Without even waiting to see if I had the job, I packed up my kids and our stuff and told my husband "I'm going.  I love you, but if you want to be with me you need to get a job and actually be my partner not one of my kids."  And I left.

I got the job, thankfully.  I've been here a month and I know without a doubt that it was the best thing I've done in a long time for me and my kids.  My teenage son had built up a lot of resentment towards his father and their was a lot of anger and tension between the two of them before we moved.  Now, my son is happier than I've seen him in years.  He's more social, made a lot of friends, and even has a girlfriend now.  My daughter misses her dad, but she has always been remarkably wise for her young age and is very open about saying how calm everything is up here.

So there's my story.  I would never encourage anyone to divorce or leave their husband, and I haven't actually taken the step to file for divorce yet myself.  But sometimes separation is liberating and therapeutic.  It has been for me.  I can't remember the last time I felt so peaceful.

and great at what we do that we need a challenge once in a while.  No, switching professions is not the answer if your desire is to stay at home.  I have found that helping each other through these message boards has been quite invigorating, and to know that I am not alone in my endeavors is quite reassuring, I must say! 

Your son sounds like a very smart young man. Not many kids these days truly care about their education. They look at high school as a party/social time, and dont look into the future what so ever, and said thing is a lot of our children are not getting the guidance from home either.

My son loves to learn and loves to be challenged and with him being home schooled we are able to do so.

And one other positive note on home schooling college intrance exams have shown that home schooled kids are just as smart if not smarter than those who go to public or private schools. The one on one they get is a big big factor in that.

Best of Luck!!!!!!!