caring for elderly parents
Posted By: sienna on 2006-07-13
In Reply to: question for all - discussions are welcome
My dad died last year at age 89, my mom died last month at 92. My husband and I and our three kids moved in to my parents house 8 years ago to help my parents (I also have 3 siblings). We lived with my parents, and I cooked, cleaned, took them to doctors appointments, etc. My siblings did not do much, even living close by. It was a mistake, my mother said it was her house and not mine and Alzheimer was setting in on both parents. we ended up moving out as I was very unhappy as was my family. My parents health got worse, 24 hour nursing care, finally a nursing home for mother. They had to sell their house to pay for the nursing home because they did not trust anyone to have anything in their names and now everything goes to probate for the estate, which is now hardly anything. Anyone who has aging parents should contact an elder lawyer and know the laws of your state, have bank accounts put in sibling name or even lawyer's name. I really tried to take care of my mother and father but they were very stubborn, would not listen to anyone, took risks and fell etc, and it was not a good thing for anyone to watch. My siblings were all in charge of my parents care for the last four years and they realized what I had gone through. It is very difficult and you try to help but sometimes it does not work. Yes, I loved my parents and tried the best I could, but sometimes it just will not work with living with them as they get so set in their ways. I am a very easy going person. I just know that I will set up will and trusts, etc for my family
Complete Discussion Below:  marks the location of current message within thread
- question for all - discussions are welcome
- Yes, - but it's part of my culture
- caring for elderly parents - sienna
The messages you are viewing
are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select
the boards given in left menu
Other related messages found in our database
Not all of us are parents. Not everyone had caring parents. nm,
nm
Someone close to me, elderly, just
died of pneumonia after a fall. I can't tell you how many reports I have been typing lately of elderly people in the hospital with pneumonia after falls and really feel for these people. Suddenly, these reports all hit home.
Yes they can - especially elderly males.
nm
TP is an elderly 62 you woman. LOL
x
Pneumonia is the elderly man's friend. SM
Sometimes it's an easy way out for somebody who's just gone and gone downhill.
Why? Do you associate them with elderly women? sm
The hot names today, Ashley, Brittany,Taylor, etc., will one day be associated with old, overweight women and thus be considered ugly, elderly names. Better to stick with classics like Elizabeth, Mary, Sarah.
THANK YOU FOR CARING!!! nm
x
No, she comes off as a caring
but frustrated professional to me. If you don't care what QA people think I don't suppose you care that other MTs also care about quality. You call QA person narcissistic, but you don't portray yourself well at all IMO.
Agree 1 million percent about the elderly
HMOs is what I assume you mean as managed care??? I don't like them at all but am stuck with one through the city insurance when I was hurt on the police dept. However, I have been extremely fortunate in Virginia Beach area to have some of the best doctors and the payment is low. I have been through the ringer and back int the whew 14 yrs now since my accident. But I have never been denied a test or a treatment. I did have my beloved neurosurgeon leave because of HMO regulations. But he came back to the area once they met his demands. He is a patient first doctor hands down all of mine are. Where are you from. I here all this garbage about terrible health care etc. etc. I honest to God have had zero problems with mine. I could pay extra and get the pick your own doctor insurance for about dbl what I pay for an HMO but all my doctors are on the list and I am happy. My dad is on Medicare at 80 and has had no problems with any care. Nor did my mom before she passed away. Which was her fault she wouldn't go to the doctor and had breast CA but that's a whole other topic. When she finally did go to the doc and it had spread to her bones, she got great care and at a minimal cost. Several operations, tests, chemo, radiation the works...I don't understand. They took Medicare or Medicaid whichever one you get when you are of age and got the AARP supplement and did fine with it...
very thoughtful and caring of you to do this.
nm
I have found taking them to a high rise for the elderly (sm)
and leaving them in the lobby for people to enjoy is a great way to make both you and some senior citizens feel pretty good.
There is also the possibility that someone was standing in line for an elderly person, again
we don't know cause we are not there.
Sorry! missed the part about apartment and elderly woman below you
So I'm thinking the jumping jacks and/or the exercise video aren't the greatest tips. How about an exercise bike?
Poor kid. You sound like a very caring mom. (sm)
Maybe a few months to get himself feeling better (antidepressants?) and you keeping him up in his studies will be enough to get him back on his feet and feeling better about school. I bet the school would be willing to help you with this (maybe even have a tutor come to the house a few times a week) if you speak to the right people.
Good luck to you, mom! 
God bless you for caring for that child,
dealing with state/CPS, legal system, therapists, nonsense appointments, and meeting her heavy emotional needs to give her a better life. The other posters who are critical of you just have no idea what it's like to take on a large amount of responsibility.
I hope she is feeling better soon. :)
When we all stop caring about these issues,
x
I love what you say about not caring since 1988
That is so true. I try to do my best but care, oh I wouldn’t go that far. I laughed also when I read about the post about hyphens and the person talking about how the dictators can hardly make a coherent sentence. That was the absolute truth. Thank goodness, I work for a place where the hypens, semicolons, etc. are so not a necessity. Readable reports, yes, other nitpicking not.
I beg your pardon. I have elderly relatives in nursing homes who are constantly in and out of
hospitals. The elderly especially need our reports to be ACCURATE, as nobody gives a hoot to "talk" about them, let alone doctors getting to actually know and remember patients. EVERYTHING about their acute care in hospitals is taken FROM THE PAPER MEDICAL RECORD, and also when they get bumped back to the nursing home. The caretakers take ALL info from the transfer sheet. Reality check for those who need help most - elderly who cannot rattle off their histories themselves.
Question re elderly patient being dropped by long-time PCP. sm
My SIL's mother was dropped as a patient by her long-time PCP (who also treats 4 other family members). The reason was that the elderly woman (upper 80s, status post back surgery and recent hip surgery) had missed too many appointments. Mind you my SIL always called when her mother could not make an appointment due to physically not being able to keep the appointment. An office person told my SIL on the QT the real reason was because the doc couldn't get as much reimbursement from insurance on elderly people. Mind you, this woman has her regular insurance plus Medicare. What is up with this. I never heard of such a thing. Anyone? 
Its HOT, folks. Give water 2 pets and check on elderly!
Another day of investing wisely in your health and caring for yourself and those
x
The difference between not caring what you spend and spending as
x
Enough already! I am a very caring person. I don't make a lot of money either.
I still have canned goods stocked up and I know how to wash out a plastic soda bottle or milk jug and fill it up with water when I'm told to do so. That has nothing to do with posttraumatic stress or FEMA. I never said anything about either of those, so quit jumping down my throat about things I never said. It's not about the people that NEED help because they lost everything. It's about the people in their Lincoln Town Cars who can obviously afford a jug of water and DID not do it. The ones who didn't bother to prepare are sucking up the resources that should be used for those people who lost everything and NEED the help. How can you disagree with that?
Physicians and caring or lack thereof
recently I have experienced both sides of this aspect. In January I was hospitalized for asthma by my then family physician. I had been to him 3 times in the month before that with problems but he made no effort to adjust meds, etc. About a month later, he walks into his office and tells his staff today is your last day. I'm closing the office.
I got strep throat and went to a different doctor. She was absolutely the best. She looked at ME while she was in the room, not at the chart or her PDA in her hand (like the first doctor used to do). She talked to ME. Asked ME questions and answered any I had. asked about allergies (which I have many). The first doctor tried to give me medicine I was allergic to (and he had been told multiple times). Two weeks ago I was hospitalized through the emergency room with another asthma attack (brought on by the flu). My new doctor sat down beside me in the room. Talked to me. Got a very detailed history. Explained what tests she was going to do. Explained the results of what tests had already been done. Told me she was going to refer me to a pulmonologist to evaluate if my meds need tweaking. Even asked me which one I preferred based on how my insurance would pay. I have only seen her in the office twice and then while hospitalized and I already feel more at ease and reassured that 2 years of using the other doctor.
Also, at work this past week a patient was admitted after lunch. Because the patient had missed the noon meal, the PHYSICIAN went to the cafeteria and bought lunch for the patient and took it to him. Now THAT is a physician that cares about the welbeing of their patient!
I wish all doctors could be like these two - both of them female! Maybe it has something to do with our nurturing instincts!
When you stop caring, it is time to find
It does not matter if you do QA or greet people at Wal-Mart, if you don't care it is time to find something else to do.
It isn't just about you that QA makes these changes. QA is doing their job to their employer's expectations. Either take it as constructive criticism or leave, but don't make someone else pay for your lack of concern. Having done everything in a medical office from scheduling appointments to transcription to bill collection, I can honestly say that quality matters - it matters to someone, somewhere - and if you are not in that loop, please for the rest of us that still care even after close to 30 years of this business, please, please take yourself to someplace you can be happy.
I do not agree with every nick-picking change QA makes, but I don't dwell on it or stop caring. I keep plugging away at doing the best job I can. I am doing something where I make good money and feel like I have an impact on patient care without having face-to-face patient contact or co-employee issues that come with working on-site.
So, go, shoo, get, go on now. Let me have your work.
Being educated about the environment and caring about what is left for the next generation does not
nm.
You're so sweet for caring. Just my hormones kicking a little too much. Thx
s
Naw, they're in it for the bucks. Not many really caring docs anymore
nm
My parents use it
I can't help you with the pre-exisiting conditions question, but my parents use AARP for all of their insurance needs. They saved a lot of money when they switched and have been very happy with them.
I don't think that her parents did it, but I do think..sm
that they are covering up for the person who did it (maybe the brother).
To the poster that said the parents just let them go to
party and drink was sad.
My parents "spared the rod" and I'm now (sm)
a self-sufficient, responsible, mature adult, furthering my education, handling my responsibilities, and not calling home begging my parents for money. So just because some parents "spare the rod" doesn't mean their kids are going to turn out to be spoiled little bloodsuckers the rest of their lives. There are other ways to discipline kids without spanking. Yes, some kids need a good spanking once in a while, IMHO, but there are other forms of discipline that are equally as effective. Just my opinion.
Up to the parents, but they dont do it
Hey, I feel like this, the parents have the only ones who have a right to spank or otherwise discipline kids
I don't have issues with my parents are they are
both deceased, but I have "disowned" all my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. I grew up believing I was the black sheep of the family and maybe I am, but their lives are so screwed up and I never heard from them unless they needed something and there was lots of bitterness and anger about various events - mainly my parent's death. The only way I was able to deal with the issues was to disown them. I was not interested in making things better because they aren't willing to make an effort and I just don't have time for that.
My oldest sister hated my mom and was very ugly to her. My mom did so much for her. All I heard was what a lowsy mother she was. Well, my sister's daughter had a baby and gave it away, did drugs big time, drinking big time, has lived with several guys. Her son is gay and can't hold a job, has had so many wrecks he has lost his license twice that I know of. They just keep buying him vehicles very time he wrecks one. He can barely make a move without having to ask mommy, is a druggie/drinker/liar. Only my sister can't see all of this. We all make mistakes and I don't claim to be a perfect parent, but.....
My parents are retired and
do very well on their savings. It's called preparation. People make their own choices. If you don't PREPARE and do not take RESPONSIBILITY, you will eventually be in such a sad situation. It's not anyone's fault but their own for making poor decisions or failing to make better ones.
Morally, yes - I think other aid should become available to the "mom and pop" situation you are talking about but not reporting and paying taxes on income? No. That is wrong, period.
My boys were taught to pay taxes on their incomes from various jobs. They paid taxes and they paid tithes on it, no matter what it was.
It's called DOING THE RIGHT THING...which seems to be a forgotten concept among the older ones and a brand-spanking new concept among the young ones.
Tax evasion, dear, is ANYONE who fails to report appropriately. They may spend the bulk of money going after big bucks tax evaders but the crime is still the same. It is dishonest and it cheats every loyal, law-abiding citizen.
It doesn't matter if the job is easy or or not (i.e., your reference to house cleaning not being easy). THat has nothing to do with whether a person deserves to report/pay taxes on their income or not.
I am a few miles away from there. SIL parents
z
Parents just had them done at $5000 an eye. nm
s
I never did think the parents did it. I'm glad they got him (nm)
nm
I think the parents should be held
responsible. I'm sure the rules are less strict for older kids (he is 16). But it seems a waste of time for the teachers if he is going to only show up part of the every week. He seems to think it is funny that he has really, really bad grades. Seems he is just wasting a spot at school and the teacher's time.
what a brave son (and parents)
How old was he when he did that? He earned every penny it sounds like. You couldn't pay me enough to get that close to snakes (shudder). 
My parents did it about 26 years ago - $20K then -sm
that was a 25,000 gallon, cement with plaster in-ground pool with heater, 2 blowers and skimmers, a swimout (a seat in the deep end), steps in shallow end, ladder in deep end with diving board, with a large cement patio area around the whole pool. Pool still in great shape though it does need to be replastered now (can see cement where it has worn thin). My dad just sold the house so its the new owner's issue now.
Take a look at who their parents are. Where's the blame now? nm
v
If not my kid, then the parents need to step up
and take care of their own child. If I need to work, do not babysit period. I took care of my children when they were little and they can take care of theirs. No time to spare when working.
My parents both worked and over the summer they LET us go to
summer camp AND it wasn't cheap for them either. Three kids going to camp 5 days a week (Thursdays were skate day), compare that to what that would cost today. My brother, sister, and I were at camp from 8 AM to around 5 or so and yeah we were beat when we got home, but my folks made sure we weren't "latchkey" kids or running the neighborhood getting into who knows what kind of trouble. My folks spent quality time with us, too, in the evenings, on weekends, holidays, and vacation, but they BOTH had to work to support us. So, for the person who has unjustly persecuted CampMom, please try to be more considerate.
P.S. I should also add that my siblings and I have some of the best memories of summer camp. Did I say that I'm 42 years old?
For parents, what do you think of your kids' friends?
I am wondering if it's ME or if it's my kids' friends that's the problem. I just can't stand barely any of them. We have little sailors running around cussing, compulsive liars, thieves, two-faced "unfriends", blackmailers, anger management problems, slobs, and perverts running around here. And the violent and graphically disgusting games these kids try to play. Is this everywhere? Or am I just overly sensitive? Parents can't choose their kids' friends because the kids'll rebel against the control, right? I just feel like I can't have anyone over here because I'm constantly correcting them and cleaning up after them. They don't listen worth a darn anyway. I certainly don't want my kids to go to their houses if these kids behave this badly here.
I tried going into details, but this post got so long. I don't think it's our neighborhood either because we have to drive for playdates with some of these kids. What, do we just attract the people with issues? I try to tell myself that these are just kids or perhaps their home life isn't in line with the same value system as we have. I try to be tolerant because some of these kids have had problems in their lives. However, having problems is no excuse for bad behavior. I'm no perfect prude and neither are my kids. We've had our share of problems. I also know I can't "shelter" my kids from the outisde world. But geez, it's just ridiculous. Whatever happened to the days when parents were parents and kids behaved? Children should not be cussing, stealing and telling horrific stories of murder and incest.
To give you an example, one of these little punks even told the whole neighborhood that my husband and I were druggies and dealers. We found out about it when our elderly neighbor came over and told us. We've always been totally against drugs, not even experimenting with them when we were teens. Plus, we both have to go through yearly drug screening tests at work, too. What is with the world today?
To all you parents of student athletes - sm
My son came to me today to tell me he is quitting football. A sport he has played since he was in the 3rd grade. He is now a junior in high school. He is an awesome offensive linesman - scholarship bound this year with academics with it. He has a 4.0 GPA, takes AP courses and could have a scholarship coming his way.
Regardless of all of that, I am just heartbroken to see this young talented man just walk away from the game he once loved. I have been crying all morning.
He tells me, "it just is not fun anymore. " He does not want to play. He wants to concentrate on his academics.
This is halfway through his camp, and games start next week. He started on the varsity team as a Freshman.
I am so upset, but I won't let him see it. I do not want him to play a sport to please me or anyone else, but himself. I have to hold all of this in and it is killing me. This is his decision, and I have talked to him over the past few days about, trying to not let him know how disappointed I would be if he quit. Well, today, he went to camp and told his coaches he is not playing, handed his equipment in, and so forth.
Any advice from any of you parents out there for me as to how to handle it from a loving mother point of view! I hide in the bathroom and cry so he doesn't see me. For the simple reason, if he sees me crying, he will continue to play just for me. I really don't want that. He needs to play for himself.
Needless to say, the coach called this morning after he handed in his equipment to talk to him. I am sure there are more calls to come. His teammates will be over this afternoon after camp, I am sure of it. How do I handle this - better yet, how do I help him handle this?
P.S. If he feels like he is letting his teammates down, he will give in and play just for them or for me -
To all you parents of student athletes - sm
This has happened to my daughter this year as well. Her reason was that her coach was a jerk and it wasn't fun anymore. She was a great fastpitch pitcher and he tried to change her mechanics and messed her all up. She didn't want to disrespect him by "telling on him" but it finally came out. When she was pitching it just wasn't her. She was not having any fun any more.
I would suggest finding out "why it is not fun any more." Then if it turns out to be the coaches, find another team he can play on. That is what we did. HTH!
Hope
I do have a neighbor whose parents live
in Houma. She went down there to help them get their things in order. I think she had to bring a generator. I have not talked to her as of yet. I will see her tomorrow and let you know.
Go get to know the family and the boy, introduce yourself to the parents.
That way you can get a feeling on the situation.
No, parents don't usually sit there through football practices.
Games, yes. Practice, no. Cut the apron strings already. The kid would probably get teased with Mommy on the bench every single day watching him practice. It's just not done when kids hit middle school and high school. Let the coach do his job without parental scrutiny.
Same thing happens when we go to my parents' house
All the judgmental "repent you sinner crap". Can't have a nice visit and just talk about something normal. Makes me nuts.
|
