SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELING NOW!
Posted By: BEEN THERE DONE THAT on 2006-03-01
In Reply to: 5-year marriage falling apart - newbie
You need to be telling this to a marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go without him. It will give you the insight needed to make this tough decision.
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Unforttunately marriage problems tend to follow you into the next marriage...sm
seems like marriage is more about being the right person than marrying the right person.
Please have her seek help!
Men are pretty clueless about this eating disorder issue. While there are men who can suffer from it, it impacts FAR more young girls and women. What sometimes starts out as a way to lose weight becomes a lifelong issue with devastating results. I have typed reports for several young girls who died in their early 20s of heart and kidney failure. The parents were hysterical and still pretty clueless as to the "why." Please take the lead and get her into a program to speak with someone. Good luck to you.
Once again I seek forgiveness...
Perhaps I spoke to soon. I am very well aware of the problems facing MTs today. I am also aware that the MTs who have sweated blood to learn this profession over the years feel cheated. I have no personal control over that. Your choice is to move forward or move on. I have no anger towards Gloria or anyone else. The profession is difficult, as well as being a low paying job for the quality of work and the knowledge required. But, this is not the only job out there in todays marketplace that feel the brunt of cut-backs, decrease of benefits, and too much work on one person.
It says nothing... It only says that some people seek out crack pot
x
Hey if you just sat back and didn't seek
support, I would not think very highly of you. How do you know my situation? Are you judging me? You don't even know the whole story and how is it you are posting and reading it? Why do you even need to respond? Are YOU obsessing? Have you read every post? Let me tell you, NOBODY'S perfect!!
Seek another physician as fast as you can sm
the one you have obviously does not have your best interests at heart, nor does he care. Any good physician with an ounce of brains knows exactly how addicting OcyContin is and should not keep any patient on it for the long term. You should also seek a rehabilitation clinic for addiction problems. You can't do this by yourself. I think they have outpatient clinics, but you need help and you need to get it soon. Good luck.
Please seek the advice of a counselor, not your mom.
It is not fair to involve family members in these things. Trust me when I say I have been there and done that. The counselor we saw also told us that. The best thing we ever did was seek the advice of a counselor. Yes, if he refuses to go then go alone. Start there. Do not make any decisions until you speak with a trained, impartial party. The Dr. Phil book "Family Matters" is an excellent source of information as well for the entire family. I truly hope you work this out. Our society is far too quick to just take the high road, especially where kids are involved. You need to truly TRY here.
I suggest you seek out an accountant sm
Since you have no experience as IC, you really need to talk to an accountant. Honestly, that is the only way to be knowledgable about it. I had to do that 18 years ago when I started as IC. Each year, the tax laws are updated, new write-offs, things you were deducting can't be deducted anymore, etc.
I have had the same accountant now for about 12 years, and he is not that expensive. Last year, he charged $180. Not too bad.
Seek medical attention quickly.
It could be an allergic reaction.
Why would you seek career advice on this board?
I never did understand this. You applied with a company, obviously was contacted about their opportunities, then you do your "due diligence". This now includes seeking advice, recommendations and/or comments from people you do not know on a uncensored, unsupervised b*tch board. Is that really a good idea? If you want to know about what is like to work there, ask to talk with somone in Operations, contact the HR Director, ask to speak to a couple of random employees. I have found situations are what YOU make them, not some disgruntled person with an axe to grind because they couldn't hack it and got fired, or not some management type trying to earn brownie points by kissing the CEO's butt. I know people who have worked there for years and are happy. I know others who hated their manager or supervisor or hated their account and left. Make up your own mind- I assume you're paying your own way through life!
It is time to seek you own accounts to be paid what you are worth! nm
x
slow periods, seek alternative extra cash? sm
Docs, like us, have busy family lives. I found that after Hannukah and Christmas (or sometimes with a break from family stuff) they "catch up" on dictation. Hopefully, this is what still happens. I have a son who is a professional and he likes to go in on Christmas Eve morning because it's so "slow" that he can get a lot of paperwork done. So hang in. Another aspect of today's world is that docs are carrying laptops now as is my family PCP and they are all doing their own notes. I think it's a "wait and see" thing, the world is changing and hopefully there is a survival tool for us somewhere. We are all being replaced by technology, sadly. Only time will tell. I was told several years ago that I should go into "scoping" which is kind of like editing, etc., you go into public stenographers machine gibberish and make sense out of it, kind of like making sense out of what comes back from India. I was offered this but refused to clean up someone else's "mess." Everyone should be thinking of alternative ways to get by, it's never easy. It's sad, as I have put a lot of time and $$$ into a profession that doesn't appreciate my knowledge. From your posts, Blondie, you have a good heart. I hope things get better for you. Try to have a happy holiday. How did you make out with those dogs you took in? Did the owner take them back or at least pay you? This may be an alternative few extra bucks for you. You seem to be an animal lover and a caring person.I don't live near you, but I would rather leave my Golden with you than some kennels around here. Thus, I do not go away if I can't take my dog. Hope things pick up for you work-wise.
Consider counseling
Sometimes an objective opinion from a person you respect can give you some insight that you have disregarded or give you positive suggestions on improving your life. It's worth a try.
counseling is a must.
I have only been married 4-1/2 years myself, so I am not an expert in this field, but I think you need to do everyting in your power to make this marriage work before you call it quits. Whether your husband will agree to go to couseling or not, YOU need to see someone (marraige couseler, pastor, etc.). If you can get your husband to go, that's awesome. He may take the advice differently if it is coming from someone other than you. Men tend to think we nag a little! I have never been to marriage counseling, and I have never been in a situation like yours, but if I were, I think I would give it my all before I throw in the towel!
Why don't you go to counseling with him?
At least once - and ask for help in dealing with his calls...
It really is an illness.
Wow you need some seriously counseling. sm
I am very very sad for you. What a very shallow and pathetic thing to do.
Please, go get counseling before you give up ---
It can really help you two see things in a different light and get to what is really going on. My situation was nothing like yours (different issues) when we decided to get counseling after 17 years of marriage. I was very doubtful it would help one bit and was ready to just get out. After 4 weeks we made some changes, did some reading, talked things over together and with the counselor, and today my marriage is better than it has ever been. I think it can be done if BOTH parties are willing to give and make some changes. Good luck. :)
Bankruptcy vs counseling
I went through an ugly, expensive divorce - after 22+ years. He had the girlfriend but he wanted me to loose everything and fought through several attorneys. I tried the counseling -- finally went through Christian counseling as their fees were the lowest and they seemed the most honest -- but after everything and to keep my house did file Chapter 13. I feel better doing the Chapter 13 as at least I am paying back something to everyone and did not leave them all hanging. Am paying back 25 cents on the dollar to credit cards. Just be careful should they offer you to cut down the balance if you will "pay in full" as what is not paid will be considered "income" and you have to pay income tax on it. I still do not feel good with doing the Chapter 13 and don't understand how a lot of people can do this several times as I saw in court when I went there. It is not easy to walk away from the debts that you made and truly owe but there are some circumstances that make it necessary. I for one am glad of the new laws as I don't think it is truly unfair to make people make an attempt to pay back what they owe, at least partial. Some of the counseling groups I talked with -- the ones with the best reputations-- were going to charge anywhere from $100 to $150 to handle my money and I could be putting that on a payment to a credit card and so Iooked long and hard. You can also negotiate directly with your credit cards but they put a "stop use" on them and you cannot be late with one payment. But make an attempt and you will feel better about yourself. Just my thoughts and experience. Patti
Credit counseling
Yes, it does go on your credit report. I explained this to my banker that I had not had a problem before in paying my bills, just that I had too many. My banker reviewed my payment history and still approved the loans I requested. Each case is individual, and going through credit counseling may or may not affect your ability to get loans in the future.
She needs to attend counseling regardless!
She will find a way around the restrictions you have imposed if she wants to keep losing weight. You cannot follow her around day and night. It is really easy to hide weight loss if one wants to. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to get a handle on later. It took me YEARS to overcome this myself. Hope it works out.
I agree, she does still need counseling...
She needs to meet with someone who knows how to handle a situation like this. Going to counseling might also help you both learn how to deal with her better too. I might also add, while what you say you are doing sounds good and I think you should stick with it, also think of ways you can add positive reinforcement too. I think it would do her a lot of good if Dad could spend a little more time with her, doing activities, talking more, etc, something that would bring them closer.
I have sought counseling myself--sm
online, but I was not too successful in finding anything that was free. I thought I had found one once, but after I submitted my questions, no one ever replied. Guess you have to be careful with that too, or you may find your personal problems pasted all over the internet. Try doing a search, you may end up being lucky and find something worthwhile. Good luck.
marriage
I am not the most knowledgeable Bible student, but it is my understanding that it says that it is better to marry than to burn, not that it is good for ALL to marry. Could you please direct me to the passage that says this? My understanding of this is that because the human sex drive is very strong, many people would not be able to devote their entire lives to studying the Bible, versus marrying and raising a family, and that a marriage is the only appropriate relationship where two should become one flesh (not that it is the only time that it happens, and in fact if one has relations with a prostitute, or a one night stand, or even "serial monogamous" relations, then the two do in fact become one flesh).
marriage
Thank you. That would be most helpful. Just learning.
Actually, this is his second marriage to a man.nm
x
bad marriage
I agree with the 40-something single supervisor who started this threat. It can be lonely being single, but it can ALSO be lonely being in a bad marriage; maybe even MORE lonely than being alone. I'm worried about the MT she was talking to when the abuse happened. I will pray that the MT will call the police and/or her local women's shelter...but I understand her fear...God be with her.
I have some docs that say totals if counseling is
part of the visit as they get paid extra for the visit with certain insurances.
your whole family needs counseling - including you. nm
nm
Try debt counseling first - if that does not work - sm
it will at least look good to the judge when you declare bankruptcy. I do not regret declaring bankruptcy at all - got a lot of pressure off of me when I needed it. I started all over, and now I am so much wiser so I don't get in that circumstance again. It doesn't take long to rebuild, either.
You really need some counseling and anger management
tsk, tsk, tsk
Go to counseling and get guidance and structure.
It CAN work if he earns back your trust and is truly sorry. Counseling can help guide you through this process. It is truly worth a try. What have you got to lose? Good luck to you! :-)
Working on Master's in counseling and sm
I have had a hiatus of nearly 3 years. I could not decide if this is where I really wanted to go. Recently, I put myself back in therapy with my last therapist after a 5-year hiatus to help me decide. Two sessions and I can see the clear path back to it and yes, this is my "true calling."
I feel pushed to get out of MT because my hands are suffering after 15 years of this. I have 3 autoimmune disorders too. I am having energy problems and focus problems...pain and all that comes with AIs. I have trouble with consistently good line counts and I am working 2 jobs out of sheer boredom with the entire thing. It has nothing to do with no making as much money or ASR or any of it. It is my body telling me to move along. I also believe I would be happier as a counselor.
Maybe that was YOUR marriage, but not mine.
We don't need the fake stuff when we've got the real thing.
The reason why I think marriage..
is important, and it IS definitely relevent, is because it does make a difference. When somebody dates, is engaged, is educated, gets married, and THEN has children they overwhelmingly do better in society than single unmarried women. Not that there are not exceptions, of course there are, but being single sets you up right from the start to be disadvantaged financially and in numerous other ways.
It also sets a bad example for your children who grow up thinking this is okay behavior, which then perpetuates the practice of having children out-of-wedlock. Children need 2 parents. The role of a man and father has been so marginalized since the 1960s/1970s, but it is truly an important part of the upbringing of a child. I really believe that with all my heart.
probably a very one-sided marriage...sad...nm
@
marriage crisis
I appreciate all of your replies on this issue. I was a single mom before I even started seeing my husband, so I know first hand the hardships and the sacrifices that come with that role. I will contact a marriage counselor to try and salvage this. I am not leaving just yet as I will have to save up some money and get my pay up a bit before I can leave (if this happens).
I know this will, in some way, affect my daughter, but I think it would be better leaving now than staying for another 10 for her sake and being miserable. I can guarantee that if we do split, she will be of the utmost importance. Just because we have split, does not mean we cannot get along and be there for her.
As for the husband knowing how I feel? He knows because I brought it up before, about us separating for a while and he said to give him the papers and he will sign them, which told me he could really care less if I left. Then he made the remark about the grass is not always greener on the other side (meaning finding another man to make me happy). I told him finding another man was not my goal, I just wasn't happy with him.
My main issue is we do things alone so often (he with his friends, me with the kids) that losing his family makes me more sad than losing him. Isn't that pathetic? I LOVE my in-laws.
I am going to stop babbling now. I just want to say thank you to all of you for your advice and frankness concerning this issue. It really did help me.
this saved my marriage
check out flylady.net - there is a lot of information there, so be patient and read through it...it will give you a different perspective on housework and make it easier on you, even if he does not pitch in. i had to learn to stop nagging my husband about the housework and just do it because i was grateful for my home and wanted to see the floor every now and again :-)one great thing is that, by biting my tongue about the housework, he slowly came around to helping because he was grateful that i was keeping the house nice for him.
also, getting rid of the clutter one step at a time will also help your husband's mental state - too much chaos is confusing for him. i have a mental illness - manic-depression - and having my house in order by following simple step-by-step routines that are written down so i don't have to think about them - just follow the list - has calmed me down considerably and left time for me to care for myself like i should. you will be helping both of you by slowly, step-by-step getting the house together. getting this will help your dear baby by leaving the floor and other areas clear for him to crawl around and do what babies do :-) without all the confusion of clutter.
flylady.net made me more loveable by cutting my tiredness and crankiness (because you clean in small steps that do not exhaust you). It also helped my mood, giving me the self-esteem that comes from tending and blessing my home (and, therefore, my husband) by keeping the clutter at a low liveable hum instead of a screaming mess.
one more thing - try to remember daily why you fell in love with your in the first place. trust me, he is still in there (i was). it was through the committment of my husband to stick by me and tell me all the time that he loved me and wanted to help me that i finally began to love myself again. sure, i still have my days, but they are fewer and farther between, and don't feel so heavy with his help around the house (minus my nagging) :-)
i also want to say that Jesus turned my changed my life - literally gave me a new life and turned me in a totally different direction than my life was taking - took me out of my self-destructive ways because He showed His love to me. i am praying for you. you are hurting right now, and so is your husband. i pray that your hearts will be healed and your love will come back. remember that you created a covenant before God and your families to stick it out through sickness and health and your husband made a covenant to stick it out through messy house or clean :-) blessings.
The family can get free counseling through hospice even
if their mother was not a hospice patient. They have programs that the family participates in together and just programs for kids too. If they are able to associate with other kids that have experienced what they have that would probably be a tremendous help. They don't just talk about their feelings, but do activities and play games and just be kids, but if the emotions come then there is a trained person to help them.
Sounds like the dad could use some counseling too and maybe just a break from being a parent 24/7.
Get marital counseling for the sake of your children.
You probably could stay there your entire life and manage but the kids deserve better.
For those who have used credit counseling services, what was your experience?
Some info on credit counseling vs bankruptcy
This is just a heads up for those that were questioning about your choices. I was doing some research on a cancellation of debt form - 1099-C that I am doing for my ex-husband as he never paid me the $9720 he owed me and found on a web page that some of the people that are going through Credit Counseling now are getting 1099-C for some canellation of the debt from credit card companies. If they forgive this debt, then you have to claim it on your income tax as "INCOME" so think about this in your situation. If you are going through a counseling agency ask them if any of your accounts can give you a 1099-C for anything that they forgive you and the only way that they can't is through Bankruptcy. So that is another consideration when wondering which way to go. As for me, I have a signed promissory note signed and it is not a verbal agreement, was not in the divorce and he just never paid. So I get to put on 12 years of interest at 10% plus late fees and he will end up paying the IRS instead of me but I get a tax deduction of $3000 per year until the 21K is used up. So that is fine, he doesn't have to pay me and I will cancel out his debt, but Uncle Sam is not as forgiving as me. But I wanted everyone to be aware of this as it tempting to pay a credit card company only 50% of what you owe them but thing of putting that other 50% on your income tax forms. Patti
From the sounds of it grief counseling may be in order -sm
My mom died 9/04 after 9 weeks in the hospital (as was recovering nicely too) so her death was actually quite unexpected. Considering how close we were I have handled it quite well (we talked on the phone almost every day and I visited at least 6 x a year). I never really cried though, don't know if that is good or not, yes I get teary, but I never broke down or anything. I just withdrew into myself I guess as part of me died that day. I had a rough patch in 02/05 that lasted about a month or so, but for my daughter's sake I had to pull myself out of my funk. I don't think I every really got to fully grieve though as then my dad met his girlfriend < 3 months after my mom died then got engaged 2 months later, then Jen got diagnosed with cancer, had surgery/chemo, my dad married 9 months after my mom died, etc. I can go days w/o thinking about my mom, though I loved her very much. So either I am in denial, cold-hearted, or just deal with things quickly. I don't believe you should dwell on things. Life keeps on going and there is nothing you can do about that but live your life the best you can. But if you are still so upset and cry a lot then I really think you should seek out a grief therapist so you can learn how to cope and move on. This doesn't mean you have to forget you dad by any means. I still "talk" to my mom though I have no grave to visit or anything as she donated her body to science so I have no clue where she actually is now but I like to think her spirit is here with me and that makes me feel good.
Is there a free online counseling service?
My daughter, who is 33, is married with 1 child - every time something goes wrong in her marriage or job, she calls me and I'm supposed to solve all her problems. I have asked her repeatedly to go to a counselor, but usually when she calls, it is in the evening. By the next day or Monday, the problem has gone away temporarily and then she doesn't get the help she needs again.
Does anybody know if online counseling is available that is free, other than this message board ?  I guess I'm thinking of someone with an actual degree?
This job was able to get me out of a long, horrible marriage and I thank my
zz
His first legal marriage was to a woman. It has only sm
just become legal in Britain for same sex marriages, and he and David married the first day it was legal. He has had many partners, but only one other legal marriage.
5-year marriage falling apart
I need some very serious advice. I have been thinking of leaving my husband for the last year and it is only getting worse. I am so unhappy and don't see it getting any better. He is a great father (we have a 4-year-old), but he has a very limited relationship with my 11-year-old. His real father lives states away and has just recently decided to be somewhat a part of his life. It breaks my heart when my son tries with my husband and he gives a half-hearted attempt or barely acknowledes my son and then pays all this attention to my daughter. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I basically do everything by myself with the kids, he dislikes my family (I'm not very fond either, but hey, they are my family) so I usually attend family functions on my own w/ the kids.
I think we should at least try marriage counseling and take it from there. I am only giving this another 6-12 months though. I deserve a husband who accepts me for me and helps me clean because he realizes I need help, not becuase he can't stand the mess anymore. My son deserves a loving, caring step-dad who will take him fishing or practice baseball with him. Am I making the right choice? When do you know it is the right time to move on? I am so scared. The biggest factor will be raising 2 kids on my own. I am making squat right now.
I need some advice. Mom's not home and I am ready to cry my eyes out.
This sounds similar to my 2nd marriage.
I understand very much what you're going through, except for the part about having a child together with your current husband. I'm into 8-1/2 years of my second marriage, and my son from first marriage was 13 when we got married. However, his biological dad is a huge deadbeat who abandoned our son and left the state--no contact or part of his life whatsoever. So, my son longed for a father figure. This husband was no great shakes as a husband or father, but he was certainly better than the real dad. He makes a living and provides us with a house. I wanted to leave him many times for some of the same reason you claim, as well as others, but things are starting to get better. My son is now 21. What would hold me back the most is how HARD and MISERABLE it is out there to make a living as a single mother. So, I would encourage you to weigh this against the marriage ending, because at times it seemed to just be trading one misery for a different kind of misery. Although I had peace of mind in some ways when single, to try and survive and support yourself and your children, to be their mom AND dad, comes with its own set of troubles and sorrows and stresses, not just for you but for your children. My son now understands that his stepdad wasn't all he could've been, but this is what we have and what guarantee would the alternative been? There's no guarantee you'll find another husband, much less one who will be a wonderful, caring stepfather to what would then be two stepchildren. I don't mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. As I said, things are getting better.
save your marriage but be smart
I do notice you started back pedalling and saying "oh it's not really so bad and he is my best friend" Once you started getting some responses to get out of the marriage.
I am glad you can see that your husband and marriage has some really positive traits but please it won't help you to minimize the areas where you are having trouble just because you are under fire.
I don't agree that you should just up and leave your husband. He does sound like he might have some very serious issues and possibly you as well for putting up with this treatment but I dont' judge because each relationship can have some problems. The key is recognize and try to solve not to fight.
Tell me -- how can you miniimze the fact your husband is living it up so to speak -- going out with friends whenever he wants WITHOUT you. While you stay home like menial labor taking care of kids.
A marriage is partnership where each individual needs to be able to pursue their own interests but the thoughts, feelings and well being of their partner has to come into play as well. A marriage cannot survive when only one partners needs are being met and the other's are ignored. It just depends how long you are willing to put up with it or how long before he crosses another line (into an affair maybe when he is out alone). This is dangerous territory and you need to stop minimizing the situation and realize you marriage might be in grave danger.
What is sounds like is your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants a great social life without you and kids tagging along -- reliving his single days possibly -- working out when he wants, going out to lunch or dinner.
There is nothing wrong with him pursing his individual interest and friendships --- we don't become bound at the hip when we become married -- we need to have our own sense of self. But the problem here is he DOES have a sense of self and readily pursues his own interestes but does ALLOW you to do the same. This is not partnership -- but it is control and oppression.
While you still may get along well, have great sex etc this is not a healthy realtionship for either of you and your children will see that you constantly defer your dreams and desires and wants at your husbands wishes whilst he does whatever he wants. Is this a lesson you want to teach them? That woman should be kept in the home and be basically a maid, a cook, a childcare provider and at-home worker but does not deserve respect and dignity from husband and to be treated equally?
You can turn this around. I am not suggesting you just bail. Do as you suggested. Stand up to your husband. Don't argue. Simply state (don't ask) that you will be going out -- if he refuses to watch the children then DO hire the sitter. When you are both more calm let him know that you understand his desire to pursue his own interests and friendships and your support that -- but you deserve the same right. Also you both need to balance those things with family time -- which should come first.
Consider martial counseling but don't just leave. See if he will agree. You and your husband need to see why he is so passive/aggressive towards you and why you are willing to put up with that. If you are religious seek Christian couseling and prayer from a pastor to help save your marriage.
However, if he refuses to change, refuses counseling you may come to a crossroad where you might have to consider if you can live under these conditions.
You should be afraid my dear. I am divorced had a similar husband. I would be very frightened your hubby might be having an affair or might consider one. He has you under his thumb... he comes and goes as he pleases and there are no repercussions. He does not respect your rights or see you as an equal patner. What does he do with his "buddys" -- go to the bars? Are there late nights? Business trips?
I am truly not trying to be mean but you need to open your eyes to the possibility where this might be going... and please do NOT say it won't happen to me because ALL women who have had a husband cheat think that.
Also get yourself an education if you don't have one - work on a degree. I know you work as an MT but can you support a house and 3 children on that?? If you marriage does end... what will you do to make a living? Start thinking of taking some online courses or one night at community college. Get another skill if you don't make enough as an MT.
Please just consider advice from someone who has been there. I am a single Mom with 2 boys. Was married over 10 years. Been there and now struggling to make ends meat as a single parent. Wish someone had advised me the same.
By all means work on your marriage but be prepared. Get educated. Save some of you own money in a bank account don't keep everything in his name.... It's hard to fight denial but you need to watch our for your kids and your future while trying to fight for the marriage.
Sounds like a great marriage you have there...
Wow.
Anyone have any GOOD experiences with a credit counseling service/
If so who were they and what did they do?
Come on over to the west coast too where interracial marriage
It is very small minded to think that crossing races to marry is wrong. Again, we are all people, no matter what color we are. For example, I would rather my daughter marry a black man who treated her with respect, love, kindness, being an equal than married to a white man who treated her like trash. Note that I said EXAMPLE, the race could vary of course.
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