Religion isn't going to save your marriage. He's an abuser. You need to leave before he harms
Posted By: & children permanently. nm on 2006-01-30
In Reply to: That is an excellent point. I also have another question for all of you. - Starting over
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save your marriage but be smart
I do notice you started back pedalling and saying "oh it's not really so bad and he is my best friend" Once you started getting some responses to get out of the marriage.
I am glad you can see that your husband and marriage has some really positive traits but please it won't help you to minimize the areas where you are having trouble just because you are under fire.
I don't agree that you should just up and leave your husband. He does sound like he might have some very serious issues and possibly you as well for putting up with this treatment but I dont' judge because each relationship can have some problems. The key is recognize and try to solve not to fight.
Tell me -- how can you miniimze the fact your husband is living it up so to speak -- going out with friends whenever he wants WITHOUT you. While you stay home like menial labor taking care of kids.
A marriage is partnership where each individual needs to be able to pursue their own interests but the thoughts, feelings and well being of their partner has to come into play as well. A marriage cannot survive when only one partners needs are being met and the other's are ignored. It just depends how long you are willing to put up with it or how long before he crosses another line (into an affair maybe when he is out alone). This is dangerous territory and you need to stop minimizing the situation and realize you marriage might be in grave danger.
What is sounds like is your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants a great social life without you and kids tagging along -- reliving his single days possibly -- working out when he wants, going out to lunch or dinner.
There is nothing wrong with him pursing his individual interest and friendships --- we don't become bound at the hip when we become married -- we need to have our own sense of self. But the problem here is he DOES have a sense of self and readily pursues his own interestes but does ALLOW you to do the same. This is not partnership -- but it is control and oppression.
While you still may get along well, have great sex etc this is not a healthy realtionship for either of you and your children will see that you constantly defer your dreams and desires and wants at your husbands wishes whilst he does whatever he wants. Is this a lesson you want to teach them? That woman should be kept in the home and be basically a maid, a cook, a childcare provider and at-home worker but does not deserve respect and dignity from husband and to be treated equally?
You can turn this around. I am not suggesting you just bail. Do as you suggested. Stand up to your husband. Don't argue. Simply state (don't ask) that you will be going out -- if he refuses to watch the children then DO hire the sitter. When you are both more calm let him know that you understand his desire to pursue his own interests and friendships and your support that -- but you deserve the same right. Also you both need to balance those things with family time -- which should come first.
Consider martial counseling but don't just leave. See if he will agree. You and your husband need to see why he is so passive/aggressive towards you and why you are willing to put up with that. If you are religious seek Christian couseling and prayer from a pastor to help save your marriage.
However, if he refuses to change, refuses counseling you may come to a crossroad where you might have to consider if you can live under these conditions.
You should be afraid my dear. I am divorced had a similar husband. I would be very frightened your hubby might be having an affair or might consider one. He has you under his thumb... he comes and goes as he pleases and there are no repercussions. He does not respect your rights or see you as an equal patner. What does he do with his "buddys" -- go to the bars? Are there late nights? Business trips?
I am truly not trying to be mean but you need to open your eyes to the possibility where this might be going... and please do NOT say it won't happen to me because ALL women who have had a husband cheat think that.
Also get yourself an education if you don't have one - work on a degree. I know you work as an MT but can you support a house and 3 children on that?? If you marriage does end... what will you do to make a living? Start thinking of taking some online courses or one night at community college. Get another skill if you don't make enough as an MT.
Please just consider advice from someone who has been there. I am a single Mom with 2 boys. Was married over 10 years. Been there and now struggling to make ends meat as a single parent. Wish someone had advised me the same.
By all means work on your marriage but be prepared. Get educated. Save some of you own money in a bank account don't keep everything in his name.... It's hard to fight denial but you need to watch our for your kids and your future while trying to fight for the marriage.
Unforttunately marriage problems tend to follow you into the next marriage...sm
seems like marriage is more about being the right person than marrying the right person.
I did try to save the file first but it wouldn't even let me save it.
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marriage
I am not the most knowledgeable Bible student, but it is my understanding that it says that it is better to marry than to burn, not that it is good for ALL to marry. Could you please direct me to the passage that says this? My understanding of this is that because the human sex drive is very strong, many people would not be able to devote their entire lives to studying the Bible, versus marrying and raising a family, and that a marriage is the only appropriate relationship where two should become one flesh (not that it is the only time that it happens, and in fact if one has relations with a prostitute, or a one night stand, or even "serial monogamous" relations, then the two do in fact become one flesh).
marriage
Thank you. That would be most helpful. Just learning.
Actually, this is his second marriage to a man.nm
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bad marriage
I agree with the 40-something single supervisor who started this threat. It can be lonely being single, but it can ALSO be lonely being in a bad marriage; maybe even MORE lonely than being alone. I'm worried about the MT she was talking to when the abuse happened. I will pray that the MT will call the police and/or her local women's shelter...but I understand her fear...God be with her.
Maybe that was YOUR marriage, but not mine.
We don't need the fake stuff when we've got the real thing.
The reason why I think marriage..
is important, and it IS definitely relevent, is because it does make a difference. When somebody dates, is engaged, is educated, gets married, and THEN has children they overwhelmingly do better in society than single unmarried women. Not that there are not exceptions, of course there are, but being single sets you up right from the start to be disadvantaged financially and in numerous other ways.
It also sets a bad example for your children who grow up thinking this is okay behavior, which then perpetuates the practice of having children out-of-wedlock. Children need 2 parents. The role of a man and father has been so marginalized since the 1960s/1970s, but it is truly an important part of the upbringing of a child. I really believe that with all my heart.
probably a very one-sided marriage...sad...nm
@
marriage crisis
I appreciate all of your replies on this issue. I was a single mom before I even started seeing my husband, so I know first hand the hardships and the sacrifices that come with that role. I will contact a marriage counselor to try and salvage this. I am not leaving just yet as I will have to save up some money and get my pay up a bit before I can leave (if this happens).
I know this will, in some way, affect my daughter, but I think it would be better leaving now than staying for another 10 for her sake and being miserable. I can guarantee that if we do split, she will be of the utmost importance. Just because we have split, does not mean we cannot get along and be there for her.
As for the husband knowing how I feel? He knows because I brought it up before, about us separating for a while and he said to give him the papers and he will sign them, which told me he could really care less if I left. Then he made the remark about the grass is not always greener on the other side (meaning finding another man to make me happy). I told him finding another man was not my goal, I just wasn't happy with him.
My main issue is we do things alone so often (he with his friends, me with the kids) that losing his family makes me more sad than losing him. Isn't that pathetic? I LOVE my in-laws.
I am going to stop babbling now. I just want to say thank you to all of you for your advice and frankness concerning this issue. It really did help me.
this saved my marriage
check out flylady.net - there is a lot of information there, so be patient and read through it...it will give you a different perspective on housework and make it easier on you, even if he does not pitch in. i had to learn to stop nagging my husband about the housework and just do it because i was grateful for my home and wanted to see the floor every now and again :-)one great thing is that, by biting my tongue about the housework, he slowly came around to helping because he was grateful that i was keeping the house nice for him.
also, getting rid of the clutter one step at a time will also help your husband's mental state - too much chaos is confusing for him. i have a mental illness - manic-depression - and having my house in order by following simple step-by-step routines that are written down so i don't have to think about them - just follow the list - has calmed me down considerably and left time for me to care for myself like i should. you will be helping both of you by slowly, step-by-step getting the house together. getting this will help your dear baby by leaving the floor and other areas clear for him to crawl around and do what babies do :-) without all the confusion of clutter.
flylady.net made me more loveable by cutting my tiredness and crankiness (because you clean in small steps that do not exhaust you). It also helped my mood, giving me the self-esteem that comes from tending and blessing my home (and, therefore, my husband) by keeping the clutter at a low liveable hum instead of a screaming mess.
one more thing - try to remember daily why you fell in love with your in the first place. trust me, he is still in there (i was). it was through the committment of my husband to stick by me and tell me all the time that he loved me and wanted to help me that i finally began to love myself again. sure, i still have my days, but they are fewer and farther between, and don't feel so heavy with his help around the house (minus my nagging) :-)
i also want to say that Jesus turned my changed my life - literally gave me a new life and turned me in a totally different direction than my life was taking - took me out of my self-destructive ways because He showed His love to me. i am praying for you. you are hurting right now, and so is your husband. i pray that your hearts will be healed and your love will come back. remember that you created a covenant before God and your families to stick it out through sickness and health and your husband made a covenant to stick it out through messy house or clean :-) blessings.
This job was able to get me out of a long, horrible marriage and I thank my
zz
His first legal marriage was to a woman. It has only sm
just become legal in Britain for same sex marriages, and he and David married the first day it was legal. He has had many partners, but only one other legal marriage.
5-year marriage falling apart
I need some very serious advice. I have been thinking of leaving my husband for the last year and it is only getting worse. I am so unhappy and don't see it getting any better. He is a great father (we have a 4-year-old), but he has a very limited relationship with my 11-year-old. His real father lives states away and has just recently decided to be somewhat a part of his life. It breaks my heart when my son tries with my husband and he gives a half-hearted attempt or barely acknowledes my son and then pays all this attention to my daughter. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I basically do everything by myself with the kids, he dislikes my family (I'm not very fond either, but hey, they are my family) so I usually attend family functions on my own w/ the kids.
I think we should at least try marriage counseling and take it from there. I am only giving this another 6-12 months though. I deserve a husband who accepts me for me and helps me clean because he realizes I need help, not becuase he can't stand the mess anymore. My son deserves a loving, caring step-dad who will take him fishing or practice baseball with him. Am I making the right choice? When do you know it is the right time to move on? I am so scared. The biggest factor will be raising 2 kids on my own. I am making squat right now.
I need some advice. Mom's not home and I am ready to cry my eyes out.
This sounds similar to my 2nd marriage.
I understand very much what you're going through, except for the part about having a child together with your current husband. I'm into 8-1/2 years of my second marriage, and my son from first marriage was 13 when we got married. However, his biological dad is a huge deadbeat who abandoned our son and left the state--no contact or part of his life whatsoever. So, my son longed for a father figure. This husband was no great shakes as a husband or father, but he was certainly better than the real dad. He makes a living and provides us with a house. I wanted to leave him many times for some of the same reason you claim, as well as others, but things are starting to get better. My son is now 21. What would hold me back the most is how HARD and MISERABLE it is out there to make a living as a single mother. So, I would encourage you to weigh this against the marriage ending, because at times it seemed to just be trading one misery for a different kind of misery. Although I had peace of mind in some ways when single, to try and survive and support yourself and your children, to be their mom AND dad, comes with its own set of troubles and sorrows and stresses, not just for you but for your children. My son now understands that his stepdad wasn't all he could've been, but this is what we have and what guarantee would the alternative been? There's no guarantee you'll find another husband, much less one who will be a wonderful, caring stepfather to what would then be two stepchildren. I don't mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. As I said, things are getting better.
SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELING NOW!
You need to be telling this to a marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go without him. It will give you the insight needed to make this tough decision.
Sounds like a great marriage you have there...
Wow.
This isn't RELIGION 101
This happens to be medical transcription we're talking about....maybe you're one of those recruiters that will hire just about anyone, including illiterate people, to take more of our jobs away....this isn't about JUDGING anyone.....it's only about raising the bar and DEMANDING quality and professionalism from our peers......I wonder what you're work looks like......hmmmmm. I still stick to what I said.....If you can't pass a basic vocabulary test in the ENGLISH language.....MOVE ON!
Religion
Can you spell blasphemy?
Come on over to the west coast too where interracial marriage
It is very small minded to think that crossing races to marry is wrong. Again, we are all people, no matter what color we are. For example, I would rather my daughter marry a black man who treated her with respect, love, kindness, being an equal than married to a white man who treated her like trash. Note that I said EXAMPLE, the race could vary of course.
"Wacked out about religion". How come you sm
don't say that about the others who are completely wacko? I can think of Tom Cruise and Scientology Richard Gere and Buddhism (I believe)to name just two. I say good for Stephen to share his faith. If others in Hollywood can do it, he shouldn't suffer the consequences for it.
pushing religion
I say that about anyone pushing their beliefs..be it gere, cruise, the pillsbury dough boy..You have beliefs, wonderful, so do I..however, that all changes when you try to push your religion/beliefs on others..More power buddists, scientologists, christians, pagans, hindus, muslims, you name it..just dont try to sway me unless I ask for it..
we now have freedom OF religion for all
you are perfectly free to celebrate whatever holiday you wish to NOW. The majority celebrating Christmas does not diminish that in any way, shape or form.
The only time religion
is when people try to force it down your throat or give you the holier-than-thou attitude of "I'm going to heaven, and you're going to hell."
religion board
How would one access the religion board.
Einstein did not believe in religion.
/
Organized religion
basically is another club. It ends up being about its own entity and not the spirituality it is supposed to embrace. Christ said basically the same thing when he was on earth.
Maybe you could get the other employees together to voice your feelings and needs to this employer to see if you can prompt some very necessary changes. If not, I would start seriously looking for a healthier work environment.
Remember that it is also not good for the people who take advantage to be allowed to do so (work or personal).
I am so sorry about your friend/co-worker. I hope you can gain strength from this loss to make some changes.
organized religion
Your comment aboput organized religion is off teh subject and snarky. This person did not die because it was A CATHOLIC hospital and I for one am tired of this sort of modern day sneering. I work at a Catholic Hospital. I absolutely loathe the manager who will not give me a singel Sunday off but she herself is a Catholic and tries to tell me waht church to go to. She's not a jerk becuase of her religion. She's just a jerk. Period. I won't die from stress becuase my life is worth more that 400 lines. But to make off the wall comments about religion is not ok.
Religion vs. spirituality. sm
Religion is for people who are afraid of going to h*ll. Spirituality is for those who have been there and don't want to ever go back. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
No one who is actively abusing drugs and/or alcohol can have a relationship with Jesus Christ--or with anyone else, for that matter, other than a very dysfunctional one. You must first be clean and sober.
If I'm that much of a sinner, maybe you should just pray for me instead of flaming me here on this message board. Jesus might like that better, who knows? :D
You are asking for trouble. Your marriage must come first as the foundation for a strong family. nm
nm
He drew my blood for my marriage license - engaged to someone else
True story. My husband was the one who was drawing my blood for my marriage license. I was engaged to someone else, and back then you have to have your blood drawn before you got married. When I sat down, he said to me "are you sure you want to get married before you and I have a chance to get to know each other?" I cracked up and realized he was right - I needed to get to know him before I got married to somebody else. We have been married 24 years - 4 children and 2 grandchildren.
I had a really hard time with a pastor who preached on marriage
when I knew this was not his first marriage. I couldn't stand it. All the things he said applies to us, but what about his first wife? Where does she fit in? Too confusing for me.
COMMUNICATION+TRUST = LONG HAPPY MARRIAGE
Good lord. Why is it when someone does not want to do something with their spouse it is "assumed" another woman and/or man involved? If he just started working and is probably working hard, long shifts etc, maybe he just wants a day to himself to sleep, lounge do whatever. Call and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe he is the cautious type (I know my husband is), but maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just wanted to sleep/lounge/have a day for himself.
I am sure he misses you and the kids, but I am sure he is also tired.
You also said in your post you trust him 110%. Then trust him. Let him know how you feel, but respect him and don't go see him. Yes, you are an adult and no you do not need his permission, but you are his other half, you need to respect him (and vice versa).
Good luck and don't pay attention to the negative posts.
Oops..came out wrong...I meant it ain't always possible to stay in a marriage
I would never give up on MY LORD!
Unless it was an arranged marriage, yes, she gets the "blame" for the husband she chose to mar
I get the jest of the "warning label" post, but you cannot deny the fact that SHE CHOSE this man. She also chose the first man she married and divorced. Get screwed over once, it's them; get screwed over twice, it's you. The last thing I would suggest to the original poster would be to leave her current husband in order to find a third one. She's not good at picking husbands. Even if both of them were losers .... she's an adult and she made that choice. Maybe she didn't know he was a jerk beforehand. Well, that again proves that she is lacking the proper skills needed to pick a suitable husband and father. If you marry a jerk, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you continue to stay married to a jerk, your kids will end up blaming you, too.
IMO - no. If he hits you once, he will hit you again. It will not matter what religion you believe
x
It is not about religion being a sensitive subject, it is about
posting on the correct forum. The Main board gets so jammed that we have had to create other forums for particular subjects. We only ask that posters kindly utilize those forums instead of posting every single thing on the Main board.
Again, thank you.
Administrator
All religion is a cult of one form or another - nm
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Where is the religion board? I need some new spells. nm
About as long as the other media-creation of a marriage, Nick and Jessica
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The religion issue came at a good time. sm
My daughter is 10.
We're in the car and she wanted to call her friend Jessica on the cell phone. She said, "It's after 2:00, so they're already home from church."
Then she says, "You know, mama, I don't mind going to church with them, but I hate going up and eating that yucky bread."
I said, "They had you go up for communion?" and she said, "I think that's what it is. The guy in the robes puts a yucky cracker thingy in your mouth, but they call it bread for some reason."
So I said, "You don't have to go up and take communion, you're not Catholic. I could talk to Jessica's parents and tell them that you aren't a Catholic and you shouldn't go up and take communion."
She said, She said, "Well, I'd feel stupid just sitting there when everyone else went up. I'm not going to go someplace bad if I do the Catholic thing and I'm not really a Catholic am I?"
I said, "Of course not. You just don't have to that's all."
She said, "It's okay, I don't really mind it that much." After a few minutes she said: "Hey wait a minute, we're not JEWISH ARE WE?!!!"
Another half hour on the different faiths and beliefs and the fact that it doesn't matter what you choose, but that it is a private, personal choice, and that one should never try to convince another person that their way of thinking is the "right" way.
She thought it wasn't a good thing not to have a Christmas tree, but then thought that Hannukah was "really cool" because the kids didn't have to wait to open a present. Then she said, "Well, we could light a candle every night for the Jewish kids because they don't have a Christmas tree and then maybe we could just open a present."
I said, "Nice try kiddo."
Out of the mouths of babes!
In some cases, I think religion is just their latest addiction.
Didn't Stephen Baldwin used to have substance abuse issues? Seems like some of these people just trade in the substance for religion and pursue it with the same enthusiasm.
Hi Eva! Answered here because I don't know which category to go under on the religion board.
The book of Daniel will have a lot of clues about this, but in a nutshell, the wild beast of Revelation is a composite or sum total of the beasts pictured in the book of Daniel. The beasts in the book of Daniel represented the ruling powers, or governments, of the day. The beast of Revelation represents the same today and gets its power from the great dragon, which is Satan (Rev. 13:2, 12:9), so it isn't surprising that the bible calls satan the ruler of the world (John 12:31, 16:11) and the god of this world (2Cor. 4:4). However, at Daniel 2:44 we're told through prophecy that eventually God will bring an end to all human rulership and will begin exercising his rulership over the human family as the one true universal soverign. He will do this through his son, Jesus Christ (Dan. 7:13,14). The Kingdom mentioned in Daniel 7:14 is the same one Jesus taught us to pray for in the model prayer or Lord's prayer. God's will is being done in heaven because he rules there. So, praying for his his kingdom to come and his will to be done on the earth as it is done in heaven is the same as asking him to take over the rulership of the earth, which he will do. However, that will mean an end to all human rulership here on the earth (Rev. 16:14), which is why the beast of Revelation will be destroyed along with the one that gives the beast its power. That destruction will take place in the "battle of the great day of God Almighty," which is referred at Rev. 16:16 as Armageddon. That is the battle over sovereignty, and that is why it is with the governments (or kings) of the earth. All those supporting those kings or governments will have its figurative mark on their hands and/or foreheads showing that they support the beast with their mental energies (mark on their foreheads) and with their actions (mark on their hands). Those supporting the beast and putting their faith in it will be destroyed along with it (Rev. 19:20,21).
In a nutshell.
There are several forums to post on at the Religion link.
I wouldn't call it "fragmented". The poster can ask his/her question on more than one religion board and receive a variety of responses in which to make an informed decision.
Aren't politics and religion social no-nos? sm
And I believe there is a very good reason for that.
I neve discuss politics or religion
x
Surprised this did not get yanked to the Religion board - sm
everything else does (get yanked that is)....this board is pretty boring these days. Oh well, I am getting more work done so that is a good thing.
All religious topics go on the Religion board. (SM)
Stop now with this or I will delete the whole thread.
Goldbird
Let me add to a good marriage, a cup of coffee while sitting on a deck overlooking a lake at 6 in
the morning - good English-speaking doctors who do a very long pulmonary consult who speaks so well that I have left absolutely no blanks and whose report gave me approximately 150 lines in just under a half an hour. Oooh, how I dream I could have a guy like this all day! 
I just left after 16 years of marriage. Hardest decision I've ever made, but something that I ha
My husband doesn't want to work. Never has and probably never will and it took me 16 years to figure out that nothing was ever going to change. He has been in and out of college over the years with a number of different majors and when he is on the verge of actually finishing something, he up and quits, because I believe he doesn't want to actually go out and get a job. He loves the going to school part, the studying, etc., but the actual finishing and putting his education to work, that's too overwhelming.
For years I made excuses for him, supported him, and actually believed that as he got older he would mature and finally find his way. He's 42 now and runs off every day with one of his unemployed friends to play frisbee golf or go hiking or water skiing or fishing while I'm sitting at home at my desk typing until my nose bleeds!
I was one of those women afraid of being by myself. I recently had a major depressive snap where I cried nonstop for three weeks. I found a great doctor who became a great friend and she helped me find the right medicine to get my head clear and then she helped me realize that I don't have to be afraid of anything. I was already supporting myself and my kids without anyone elses' help. What was so frightening about leaving my husband behind?
So quietly I made my plans to leave. I let my husband know that I was going to move back home to the area where all my family still lives when school let out this summer. He didn't believe me because I had said it all before. So I just made sure he knew I was thinking about it again. Then May came along and miracously a job opened up at the hospital in the small community I wanted to move back to. This hospital never has openings because they virtually have no employee turnover whatsoever. Everyone's been there at least 5 or more years. I took it as a sign and made my move. Within two days of submitting my resume, I had an interview set up. Without even waiting to see if I had the job, I packed up my kids and our stuff and told my husband "I'm going. I love you, but if you want to be with me you need to get a job and actually be my partner not one of my kids." And I left.
I got the job, thankfully. I've been here a month and I know without a doubt that it was the best thing I've done in a long time for me and my kids. My teenage son had built up a lot of resentment towards his father and their was a lot of anger and tension between the two of them before we moved. Now, my son is happier than I've seen him in years. He's more social, made a lot of friends, and even has a girlfriend now. My daughter misses her dad, but she has always been remarkably wise for her young age and is very open about saying how calm everything is up here.
So there's my story. I would never encourage anyone to divorce or leave their husband, and I haven't actually taken the step to file for divorce yet myself. But sometimes separation is liberating and therapeutic. It has been for me. I can't remember the last time I felt so peaceful.
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