Boyfriend who is depressed.

The messages you are viewing are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select the boards given in left menu

I was very upset about it at first.  At my friend's suggestion, I sat down with my little girl and asked her exactly what she thought it meant to have a boyfriend.  I asked her if they would be holding hands, if they would be kissing.  She was shocked and a little embarrassed, but I'm glad we had that talk because I don't think it occurred to her that he might expect those things. 

I also made it very clear that young relationships last days, not years.  So, when he broke up with her after 27 days (she counted) she wasn't all that shocked and probably took it better than she would have if we hadn't talked about it. 

Boy, I love that this board is available.  I'm an IC and only have catastrophic insurance so there's no mental health access available for me.

Anyway, here it is:

1.  I've noticed over the years that my boyfriend has periods of what seems to be a depression. It impacts his treatment of me, it then kind of upsets our routine and, of course, it upsets me. It seems that NOTHING I do or say can get him out of it.  In fact, the perkier or more cheerful I try to be, the more he withdraws (I must pretty get annoying, too, do ya think? with all that perkiness).  So I just try to stay out of his way and it usualy doesn't last more than about 10 days, usually more like 3-4.  Sometimes he can go up to as long as a month or two without one of these episodes. 

2.  When I try to talk to him about my concerns he generally goes into a denial thing.  It's usually a given, with him, that anything wrong in our relationship or even sometimes in his relationships with others, is absolutely my fault, but that's another story.  So when I mention casually or carefully that he seems down, is everything all right it kind of makes him get mad and aggressive and usually he will say "yeah, WHY?" kind of in an ugly way.  So as I said, usually I say nothing.  On occasion, he has admitted that he gets down at times but that's all he'[ll say, and then later he doesn't seem to remember that he admitted this. 

3.  A while back I approached him about his depressed mood and he got kind of defensive.  I mentioned that he acts particularly down around his brother and that his brother had said that he noticed he seemed depressed quite a bit lately and thought he was "suicidal" although I think the brother was just kind of exaggerating on the suicidal thing.  I only mentioned the brother commenting on his being down because, as always, my boyfriend usually denies any problem, and says it just my making things up. 

4.  Today my boyfriend got very angry that I had told him that his brother said he thought he seemed depressed - what kind of a girlfriend would mention something like that.  I said "a caring one" and should I just "pretend nothing is wrong" and no one else sees this either?  I said it wasn't meant to be an attack but a reaching out.  A couple other folks have seen my boyfriend in his depressed state and commented on it also (I have never told him that).  I said one of the reasons I mentioned his brother's comment was because he always negates what I say, tells me it's basically all in my head, nothing is wrong with him....blah-blah-blah. 

5.  He asked me how I would feel if my family talked to HIM about them thinking I was depressed.  I said I would be touched and concerned and most of all would feel like they really cared about me.  I certainly wouldn't be enraged.  He says I am lying about that.  He said it over and over that I couldn't possibly feel that way.  I said that depression is not like calling someone dishonest or cruel, that it's out of that realm completely.  That when people ask about how you are doing that they care about you.  He laughs cruelly at me when I say these things.  He also says this has driven a wedge into our relationship, that he can't trust me and that all I want to do say mean things about him.  I say "huh, what in the heck are you talking about?"

6.  Incidentally his sister committed suicide after cycles of depression for many years.  The family knew she had problems but didn't really get involved or try to contact her or do an intervention in the weeks before her suicide.  Most of all, they didn't talk to each other about what was going on either.   I was thinking this was perhaps family tradition to turn away from highly charged emotional issues?  I don't know, as I said, I don't operate like that.  I'm more from the school of "hey, there it is - let's talk about it.  But everytime I try to talk about it he denies it or tells me I'm lying.

HELP!!!!

I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.  I can definitely relate to your situation.

In 1999, after having a very difficult pregnancy, being on bed rest and not being able to work, we ended up losing our house, filing bankruptcy and having my car repossessed.  My husband was self-employed also at the time.  I was deeply depressed.

With time and prayer, things do get better.  There is hope for you.  I know it's hard to see that now, but there is hope.  Don't give up. 

Have you tried talking to your mortgage company or other creditors?  Maybe they can work something out with you.  I wish I would have tried a little harder to work things out with our creditors.  I just practically gave up which is the wrong thing to do.

Things are a lot better for us now.  We're purchasing a new home (better than the one we lost) and have a new vehicle.  Things will get better for you, too.

Hello!! I am a newbie, stay-at-home military wife and my husband is the only one working for now. He is deployed right now and I am managing all the finances, since we have separate accounts, I transferred$1000 in my account which made him mad. It felt like I overspent and use the money for nothing. Money that I didn't even spent shopping!!! He knows where the money goes but he still questions me about every single penny I spent and I really felt so bad.

Thank you guys for reading my post. I just felt like sharing this with you. I just need someone to talk to.