714 Things to Be Cynical About
Posted By: LOL on 2005-12-18
In Reply to:
714 Things to Be Cynical About
By Rick Bayan
If you still have any illusions that "all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds," you're about to lose them right here! Read my personal list and enjoy the bitter pleasure of cynical commiseration.
Be warned: it's a LONG list. If you have to break for dinner or electroshock therapy, I'll understand. (Just use the handy numbers to remember your place in the list, so you can pick up where you left off.)
As long as it is, my list only scratches the surface. If you're not too depressed by the time you reach #714, be sure to add your own contributions to the public list.
- leaders
- followers
- outlaws
- lawyers
- backstabbers
- brown-nosers
- yes-men
- middlemen
- alpha males
- women who try to be alpha males
- good ol' boys who become president
- bimbos who become celebrities
- all other celebrities
- prima donnas
- dictators
- people who take dictation
- workaholics
- slackers who pretend to be workaholics
- slackers who don't pretend to be workaholics
- hypocrites
- charlatans
- MBAs
- mindless office drones who get promoted to management
- conformists
- nonconformists
- poseurs
- people who use pretentious French words
- bores
- boors
- weasels
- barracudas
- pedophile priests
- leeches
- internal parasites
- investment bankers
- old-money snobs
- new-money snobs
- fashion snobs
- food snobs
- health-and-fitness snobs
- "I'm hipper than you'll ever be in your dreams" snobs
- upwardly-mobile career snobs
- "team players"
- negotiators
- the fine print
- broken contracts
- overbooked flights
- canceled concerts
- annulled marriages
- returned gifts
- recalled automobiles
- planned obsolescence
- knowing that your two-year-old $2000 computer is now a mere toy
- $500 electronic handheld organizers that are almost as efficient as $30 loose-leaf organizers
- 27-year-old Silicon Valley millionaires
- computer literacy replacing literary literacy
- computer viruses
- software bugs
- unfathomable computer video games that are instantly mastered by subliterate pre-adolescents
- the values instilled by video games (if it gets in your way, nuke it)
- thinking about a future society run by people nurtured on video games
- watching helplessly as a full day's work is eaten alive by your PC
- watching the hourglass hang for two, three, four minutes
- "application has stopped responding to the system"
- "server does not have a DNS entry"
- spending three hours on the internet in a futile search for information
- the fact that you could have obtained the information in three minutes by opening a book
- the proliferation of websites featuring naked people exchanging bodily fluids
- the fact that those websites are more popular than yours or mine
- spam! spam! spam! spam!
- losing half our free time to internet addiction
- losing most of our day to meaningless work
- having to play office politics
- having to play golf with your superiors
- the term "superiors"
- the term "subordinates"
- cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
- people who thrive in cubicles
- people who thrive on 14-hour workdays
- people who take their cell phones on vacation
- "A" students who end up working for "C" students
- "It takes money to make money"
- "It's not what you know, it's who you know"
- the "power words" used on resumes to impress employers
- the fact that employers are impressed with power words on resumes
- college graduates who have to settle for a job at Blockbuster
- the salaries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
- the miseries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
- prostituting yourself for less than a prostitute makes
- staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
- people who get promoted on the basis of the right shoes or haircut
- people who get promoted because they resemble their vice president
- executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
- the "fast track"
- the "glass ceiling"
- being underemployed
- being overworked
- being reprimanded
- being ignored
- being framed
- being demoted
- being moved into the hallway
- watching everyone but you rise to the level of their incompetence
- the annual incomes of CEOs
- the writing ability of CEOs
- multimillion-dollar "golden parachutes" awarded to dismissed CEOs
- the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
- the term "terminating"
- "leveraging"
- "targeting"
- "impacting"
- calling downsizing "rightsizing"
- downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
- the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
- the fact that companies now exist primarily to woo investors
- bonuses and stock options for executives who "trimmed the fat"
- diet plans -- all 2,178 of them
- joggers who perform ostentatious stretching exercises in public places
- fitness zealots who carry hand weights when they walk
- self-infatuated bodybuilders who know all their muscles by name
- health-food fanatics who faint at the sight of a cheeseburger
- health-food fanatics who smoke
- anorexia nervosa (just put the food in your mouth and CHEW!)
- restaurant patrons who send back perfectly edible food to impress their dinner dates
- snippy waiters who would rather be snippy actors
- waiters who tell you their name, call themselves "servers," and expect a 25% tip
- waiting half an hour for a salad
- waiting twenty minutes for your check
- fussy, oily yuppie cuisine
- anything with pesto sauce
- "herbed" anything
- "fruited" anything
- anything with ingredients that require you to consult a glossary
- gated communities
- $600,000 yuppie homes on 1/4-acre lots
- yuppie parents jockeying to get their child into a prestigious nursery school
- the growing gap between haves and have-nots
- doctors marrying doctors
- lawyers marrying lawyers
- men marrying men
- computer geeks marrying computer geeks
- professional jargon: the Tower of Babel revisited
- the fact that people expect you to understand their jargon
- "newspeak"
- "groupthink"
- "Big Brother is watching you"
- totalitarianism
- mass movements
- mass media
- mass murder
- mass marketing
- telemarketing
- the pathetic scripts read by poor underpaid telemarketing agents
- saying "yes" so we don't hurt the poor underpaid telemarketing agent's feelings
- junk mail
- the time we spend sorting through junk mail
- the fact that junk mail is written by people who wanted to be writers
- "Urgent: Reply Requested!"
- "You may already have won!"
- "If you're the winner, we will say MR. OCCUPANT HAS WON $9,000,000.00!"
- "A special offer exclusively for Mr. Occupant"
- "No strings attached!"
- "FREE GIFT!"
- "FREE TRIAL OFFER!"
- televised trials
- medieval trials (if you drown, you're innocent; if you float, you're guilty)
- the irrelevance of the truth in all trials
- jury rigging
- plea bargaining
- murderers acquitted because their side had smarter lawyers
- innocent people sentenced because the OTHER side had smarter lawyers
- convicted murderers paroled after serving six months of a life sentence
- prisons that offer free education, VCRs, and complimentary mints on the pillows
- legal loopholes
- divorce settlements (both spouses lose; both lawyers win)
- lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
- lawyers who encourage lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
- the absurd amounts of money awarded to people who spill coffee on themselves
- the absurd amounts of money awarded to lawyers who prosecute lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
- the cost of private medical care
- the tyranny of managed medical care
- the inefficiency of public medical care
- dying during a tonsillectomy
- the fact that your death will be referred to as a "negative patient healthcare outcome"
- health insurance companies that force hospitals to release patients as soon as the anesthesia wears off
- health insurance being denied to the people most likely to get sick
- health insurance as a capitalist enterprise
- health insurance that covers 80% of a $500,000 medical bill
- having a heart attack two days after your health insurance expires
- the effects of age and gravity on the human body
- shrinking from your original height
- going senile
- losing control of your bladder as a reward for reaching old age
- drugs whose side effects are worse than the disease
- cancer: opportunism incarnate
- dandruff
- gout
- flatulence
- herpes
- psoriasis
- Alzheimer's disease
- Tourette's syndrome
- St. Vitus' dance
- hemorrhoids
- chronic sinusitis
- yeast infections
- athlete's foot
- gum disease
- crotch rot
- mad cow disease
- elephantiasis
- crabs
- male-pattern baldness
- irritable bowel syndrome
- having to worry about your blood pressure and cholesterol
- the fact that worrying about your blood pressure and cholesterol will probably raise both of them
- the fact that virtually everything that tastes good can kill you
- subsisting on granola only to find that it contains more saturated fat than two Big Macs
- the wretchedness of heart-healthy diets (we are not RABBITS!)
- regaining more weight after a diet than you lost during it
- people who watch their fat intake and keel over at 47
- people who eat lard, smoke two packs a day, and live to be 97
- the likelihood that the survivors were also much HAPPIER during their long lives
- suspecting that you'll be more like #221 than #222
- the smugness of lucky people
- the smugness of high-school in-crowders
- the even worse smugness of art-world in-crowders
- the empty pretentiousness of most modern art
- performance artists: street loonies with foundation grants
- artists who gain attention by exhibiting their own bodily excretions
- artists who pass off collections of scrap metal as sculpture -- and have them deposited on idyllic college campuses
- artists who decorate an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
- art critics who see profound meaning in an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
- movie critics who give rave reviews to bad films so their names will appear in newspaper ads
- critics who call every passable film or play a "masterpiece"
- critics who trash a film, play or book for the chance to turn a clever phrase
- designated bestsellers stacked four feet high in the bookstore window
- good books going out of print because nobody knows about them
- nondescript chain bookstores driving out quirky independent bookstores
- celebrity authors who earn more for one ghostwritten book than 100 editors make in a year
- the state of publishing today
- the state of Nevada
- sleaze
- bogus fun
- bogus ANYTHING
- breast implants
- sex-change operations
- bad toupees
- good toupees
- blazing white dentures
- used-car dealers
- chain letters
- pyramid schemes
- people who refer to pyramid schemes as "multi-level marketing"
- euphemisms like "differently abled" and "mentally challenged"
- oxymorons like "military intelligence" and "corporate culture"
- "Catch-22" situations; e.g., "you can't get a job unless you already have a job"
- millionaire ballplayers who grumble about their salaries
- artificial turf, polyester uniforms, costumed mascots and other tackiness on the field
- team owners who fire managers for losing the World Series
- free agents who jump from team to team like hungry fleas
- boxers who bite off their opponents' ears or other body parts
- "great white hopes" = great white dopes
- college football teams made up of convicted felons
- pro football players who either strut ostentatiously or pray ostentatiously each time they score a touchdown
- female sports reporters allowed into men's locker rooms
- male sports reporters allowed into women's locker rooms (as if!)
- sports teams with singular names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
- sports teams with absurdly incongruous names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
- sports parents who browbeat their kids for screwing up on the field
- asinine chants of "We're #1!" (Americans always have to be #1)
- sports fanatics who live vicariously through their teams
- nerds who live vicariously through "Star Trek"
- anyone who lives vicariously through any soap opera
- celebrity worship
- wealth without taste
- taste without wealth
- shamelsss celebrity promotional vehicles like "Entertainment Tonight"
- John Tesh, shameless composer
- "Candle in the Wind"
- eulogies delivered by clergymen who didn't know the deceased
- how we forget good people after their deaths and remember Attila the Hun
- Gresham's Law: the bad drives out the good
- the worldwide triumph of cockroaches
- the worldwide triumph of rats
- the worldwide triumph of American popular culture
- absurd foreign imitations of American popular culture: Russian nightclubs, Czech rock groups, Japanese jazz bands, Turkish soap operas
- the profitability of bad taste
- the bad taste graveyard: disco, leisure suits, velvet clown paintings
- pinkie rings and gold chains on wealthy building contractors
- bad art in hotel/motel rooms
- the fact that those bad artists can afford to stay in hotels with GOOD art
- romance novels with Fabio on the cover
- Elvis and Princess Diana collectibles
- the fact that the majority of autographed sports collectibles are fakes
- the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
- selling advertising space on anything that doesn't move and some things that DO (buses, stock cars, Olympic athletes)
- people who sell cemetery plots or penny stocks over the phone
- ingenious high-pressure sales tactics that make us feel stupid if we say "no" and even stupider after we say "yes"
- buying things on sale: spending money to save money
- annual "going out of business" sales
- people who spend an hour clipping coupons so they can save 87 cents
- receiving Christmas catalogs in August
- discovering there's no Santa Claus
- the ugly, insanely popular, hard-to-obtain toys that parents must buy to appease their children
- the fact that parents NEED to appease their own children
- cheap toys with hundreds of dollars worth of accessories to buy
- toys merchandised as movie tie-ins
- the licensing of dead celebrities
- people who gain an identity by wearing t-shirts with commercial logos
- "As seen on TV!"
- the bewildering success of home shopping channels ("Who would ever watch nonstop commercials?," asked the cynic)
- infomercials for psychic hotlines, motivational tapes, exercise machines and baldness remedies
- people who have nothing better to do at night than watch infomercials
- people who promise they'll call but never do
- people who complain because you promised to call but never do
- people who ask "How are you?" but don't really want to know
- people who make you miserable
- the fact that you ALLOW people to make you miserable
- that luck is definitely a factor in getting what you want
- that you can make your own luck but nobody tells you how
- being unlucky in love
- being unlucky in the stock market
- stocks that plummet after you buy them
- stocks that go through the roof after you sell them
- having to pay your broker a commission on losing stocks
- the fact that your broker has no incentive to sell you WINNING stocks as long as you pay a commission on losing stocks
- the fact that the entire economy of the free world is in the hands of gamblers
- lotteries
- sweepstakes
- church bingo
- casinos
- Wall Street, the world's biggest casino
- that American Indians have to operate casinos to survive
- Las Vegas
- lounge acts
- Frank Sinatra after 1970
- pop music after 1970
- life after 1970
- striving
- giving up
- promises
- betrayals
- excuses
- prejudice against fat people
- prejudice against dark-skinned people
- prejudice against excessively stupid and excessively intelligent people
- prejudice against people with big noses
- prejudice against ugly women
- prejudice against gentle men
- "all men are created equal"
- "the pursuit of happiness"
- chronic disappointment
- expecting rewards in the hereafter
- the apparent indifference of God
- the possibility that God is a myth
- the possibility that God is a crank
- the possibility that God is a jokester
- the prevalence of unbelieving theologians: NOT a good sign
- the perverse intelligence of inanimate objects that roll just out of reach
- boxtops that tear as you open them
- paper grocery bags that tear when they're full of glass jars
- toilet paper that tears as you use it
- price labels that won't come off without tearing the product
- plastic bags you have to open with your teeth
- "twist-off" bottlecaps that rip your fingers
- VCRs so complicated that you need an engineering degree to program them
- 500 channels and nothing you want to watch
- electronic gadgets that come with incoherent instructions written by well- intentioned Asians
- major appliances that break down two days after the warranty expires
- traffic lights that are programmed to turn red as soon as you arrive from the previous red light
- picking the shortest line at a toll booth or supermarket checkout -- and watching the others pass you by
- playing by the rules and watching the outlaws pass you by
- man's treachery toward his fellow-creatures
- raising and nurturing good-natured cows, pigs and chickens so they can become DINNER
- killing rhinos for their horns
- killing elephants for their tusks
- killing baby seals for their fur
- killing employees for their productivity
- the National Rifle Association
- the fact that it's easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
- the oil cartel
- U.S. alliances and wars motivated by the sweet smell of oil
- the tobacco industry profiting from the slow suicides of smokers
- people who start smoking to be cool, then sue tobacco companies when they develop lung cancer
- the fact that tobacco ever caught on in the first place ("Why would anyone stick burning leaves in his mouth?," asked the cynic)
- the fact that tobacco is more profitable than book publishing
- the fact that nearly ANY industry is more profitable than book publishing
- exploitation of resources, including human resources
- the term "human resources" (we are not BAUXITE!)
- billion-dollar sportswear companies that profit from exploiting child labor
- clear-cutting the rainforests to make room for McDonald's beef cattle
- excessive hysteria over snail darters and northern spotted owls
- insufficient hysteria over the approaching extinction of tigers, pandas, gorillas and other first-rate mammals
- Greenpeace (skip the '60s poetics -- just tell us what you do)
- war
- Pentagon spending habits; e.g., $640 toilet seats and $76 screws
- the contractors who charge $640 per toilet seat and $76 per screw
- being drafted
- boot camp: sadomasochism as a character-builder
- being expected to die for a country you can't locate on a map
- bombing the wrong village
- being killed by "friendly fire"
- being killed one day before the truce is signed
- being hit by a bus one day after returning to civilian life
- the raunchy brutality of urban life
- drug pushers
- street gangs
- rapists
- carjackers
- slumlords
- racketeers
- panhandlers
- muggers who shoot you for a cigarette or a pair of sneakers
- welfare mothers raising FUTURE welfare mothers
- welfare fathers who sire six children by six different women
- ghetto dwellers blaming their problems on racism
- middle-class blacks encountering REAL racism when they move out of the ghetto
- the fact that most stereotypes contain a grain of truth that keeps them alive: emotional Italians; smart, aggressive Jews; hot-blooded Latins; beguiling, hard-drinking Irish; disciplined, regimented Germans and Japanese; inbred rednecks
- not being allowed to say that blacks have rhythm or superior athletic skill -- despite all the compelling evidence in their favor
- not being allowed to talk about Jewish cultural influence -- despite the likelihood that the 20th century will be remembered as a Jewish Renaissance
- the fact that Jewish sensitivities may have been conditioned by 2000 years of nonstop anti-Semitism
- "Some of my best friends are [fill in the blank]"
- the fact that every oppressed minority group likes to think it suffered more than every other oppressed minority group
- Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
- the fact that we still NEED Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
- symbolic protests with live people masquerading as dead bodies
- demands of amnesty by whining political agitators (if you don't want to be arrested, don't commit a crime)
- '60s radicals who used the Vietnam War as an excuse to promote Marxism
- '60s radicals who became Wall Street tycoons
- '60s radicals who still wear tie-dyed shirts and sandals
- liberals whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
- conservatives whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
- capitalism
- communism
- socialism
- fascism
- commericialism
- terrorism
- male chauvinism
- female chauvinism
- plagiarism
- optimism
- Freudianism
- psychoanalysts who keep their patients coming back for 20 years
- patients who still hope for a cure after being psychoanalyzed for 20 years
- group therapy: a less expensive cure that doesn't work
- electroshock therapy: a quicker cure that doesn't work
- finally going crazy
- psychiatrists who are crazier than their patients
- finding happiness only after getting a lobotomy
- being labeled a "former mental patient" for life
- "sensitivity" training and other forms of brainwashing
- psychobabble: the standardization of introspection
- codependency and other pop-psychology concepts designed to sell books
- the fact that there wouldn't be so many self-help books if any of them worked
- anyone associated with the O.J. Simpson trial who wrote a book
- O.J. Simpson
- 20-year-old Hollywood starlets who form their own production companies
- Hollywood agents of any age
- the "A" list for Hollywood parties
- the people who decide who's on the "A" list
- Hollywood movies after "Star Wars"
- blockbusters
- sequels to blockbusters
- bad movies based on old TV shows
- the fact that those bad movies become blockbusters anyway
- Julia Roberts, highest-paid film actress of all time
- The fact that the highest-paid actress used to be Demi Moore until Julia Roberts replaced her
- the fact that it would take the average U.S. worker more than six centuries to earn what the top male stars receive for one film
- the fact that Michael Ovitz received five times that much when he was fired from Disney
- the fact that Michael Eisner received more than five times as much as Ovitz in ONE DAY, when he cashed in his Disney stock options
- the symbolism of Pia Zadora buying and demolishing Pickfair, once the grandest mansion in Beverly Hills
- overreliance on special effects in mainstream Hollywood films
- too much @$&#*!% profanity in mainstream Hollywood films
- knee-jerk contempt for religion in mainstream Hollywood films
- knee-jerk contempt for Hollywood by the religious right
- films that depict Jesus as a blue-eyed Nordic
- "To him that hath, more shall be given"
- the old-boy network
- the tendency of high-school in-crowders to become adult in-crowders
- being snubbed by the in-crowd because of your looks, clothes, taste in music, or weird family
- being snubbed by a friend in the presence of in-crowders
- teachers who embarrass you in front of the entire class
- students who embarrass teachers in front of the entire class
- homework in every subject
- teachers' pets
- the worship of student athletes (except in cross-country, wrestling, golf and fencing)
- cheerleaders
- the importance of being selected as a cheerleader
- parents who murder cheerleaders who were selected over their own kids
- wanting to be considered cool: the root of all teenage vices
- the inexplicable vogue for multiple pierced body parts, including tongues
- peer pressure (ask any lemming)
- being taunted for being virtuous
- having to worry that you're gay if you're still a virgin at 18
- having to think your entire future will be determined by your college board scores
- being rejected by your #1 college
- being rejected by your #2 college
- being rejected by every college except your "safety" school
- being rejected by your "safety" school
- going to your #1 college -- and hating it
- bickering with the college administration
- crass college students who major in merchandising or finance
- idealistic college students who major in history, philosophy or French (turn back before the world devours you!)
- being stuck with a roommate from hell
- the hell you have to go through to pledge a fraternity
- fraternities in general
- sororities in general
- fraternity boys who become top executives
- private university graduates who look down on state university graduates
- state university graduates who look down on state college graduates
- state college graduates who look down on community college graduates
- high school dropouts who earn more than all of them
- mom-and-pop businesses driven out by shopping malls
- mom-and-pop businesses driven out by designer boutiques and tattoo parlors
- what it takes to succeed
- motivational seminars that promise easy success
- the fact that the easiest way to succeed is to give motivational seminars
- consulting: the art of succeeding while unemployed
- the success of writers and artists who sell out
- the wretchedness of writers and artists who don't
- tenure for scholars: freedom to be mediocre
- being denied tenure
- semiotics, deconstructionism, and similar vehicles for academic obfuscation
- Afrocentrism (sorry, the Egyptians weren't black)
- Women's Studies (sorry, women aren't an ethnic group)
- the shameful exclusion of non-Western cultures from old history textbooks
- the overemphasis on non-Western cultures in current textbooks
- the term "Third World" ("How come we never hear about the First and Second Worlds?," asked the cynic)
- Montezuma's revenge
- what the Spaniards did to Montezuma
- trying to convert the heathens
- selling refrigerators to Eskimos
- having to call Eskimos "Inuit"
- having to call Burma "Myanmar"
- having to call Dave Barry "America's favorite humorist"
- the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
- the fact that MTV is more famous than the 3,000-year-old nation of Armenia
- Planet Hollywood
- the Hard Rock Cafe
- gawking tourists who wear Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts
- paparazzi
- supermarket tabloids
- people who buy tabloids and complain about paparazzi
- Calvin Klein ads (what exactly are we selling here?)
- reading about the triumphs of the shallow in "People" magazine
- the term "beautiful people" used without irony
- chic: the triumph of style over substance
- 55-year-old celebrities who try to look 30
- cosmetic surgery
- Michael Jackson, self-made alien
- Michael Jackson's marriages
- Michael Jackson's peculiar friendship with Elizabeth Taylor
- Elizabeth Taylor's marriages
- the publicity uses of entering the Betty Ford Clinic
- alcoholism as a "disease"
- gambling as a "disease"
- AIDS as a "civil rights issue"
- the sad last days of discarded celebrities
- tabloids that exploit the sad last days of discarded celebrities
- the woes of former child stars
- the warped ambitions of stage parents
- the futile ambitions of would-be writers
- the fact that nobody reads literature anymore
- the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.
- the disappearance of classical music radio stations
- the perplexing success of the ugliest pop music
- the inevitable triumph of energy over refinement
- the fact that cultured men today are predominantly gay
- the fact that heterosexual men today are predominantly uncultured
- the fact that single men have to feel suspect if they're cultured
- men who regard women as sex toys
- smart middle-aged women who regard uneducated young men as sex toys
- middle-aged alpha males with trophy wives
- women who praise sensitive men but fall for alpha males
- men who demand that their women look like Barbie
- women who demand that their men be "financially secure"
- crude, lascivious men who leer at women, make jokes about breasts, etc., etc.
- hip, contemporary women who leer at men, make jokes about penises, etc., etc.
- the comical ineptness of intellectual men in the real world
- the shrill fascism of intellectual feminists who denounce our rigid "phallocentric" institutions, like grammar, sex and rocket science
- the condescension of older businessmen toward the "little ladies"
- women who characterize flirtation as sexual harassment
- men who characterize sexual harassment as flirtation
- the male double standard: it's OK for men (but not women) to fool around
- female double standards: it's OK for women (but not men) to bash the opposite sex, have their own colleges and clubs, whine, let their spouses support them, etc., etc.
- the fact that everything ultimately boils down to sex
- the fact that sex fuels the egos of people whose egos don't need fueling
- kinky sex (isn't "normal" sex kinky enough?)
- impotence: nature's way of telling a man he doesn't deserve to get lucky
- faked orgasms: woman's way of telling a man he's luckier than he deserves to be
- potential lovers who tell you about the "great sex" they had with a previous lover
- current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else but don't tell you about it
- current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else and DO tell you about it
- the inventiveness of women's excuses for saying no
- the inventiveness of men's arguments for persuading a woman to say yes
- sexual starvation
- watching people who are dorkier than you get all the sex they want
- having to practice safe sex
- having to practice salesmanship to get sex
- the depth of conversations at singles bars
- the depth of conversations in online chat rooms
- the depth of conversations in most marriages
- spats
- replays of the same spats
- breaking up after making up
- being dumped by someone you love
- being dumped for your best friend
- being dumped for your mate's best friend
- being dumped as part of your mate's latest career move
- "Can't we just be friends?"
- watching your ex-mate get lucky while your heart is still broken
- searching for new mate so you have another chance to experience all of the above
- the lamentable decline of romance
- the unlamented demise of Western Civilization
- the survival of tuberculosis bacilli and political parties
- big government: a charity funded by legalized extortion
- taxation without representation
- taxation WITH representation
- representative government masquerading as democracy
- Washington insiders
- dinner parties for Washington insiders
- buying an ambassadorship
- foreign ambassadors with 137 parking tickets who claim diplomatic immunity
- backslappers and palm-greasers
- congressmen who sell out to lobbyists
- presidents who sell out to lobbyists
- lobbyists
- political cronies appointed to high office
- the politicians who appoint the appointees
- political scandals
- cover-ups of scandals
- press coverage of cover-ups of scandals
- the blindness of the press toward JFK's scandals
- the bloodlust of the press in covering Nixon's one scandal
- candidates for the U.S. presidency since 1960
- candidates for local office in every era
- selling favors for campaign contributions: political prostitution
- making impossible campaign promises: political courtship
- committing impeachable offenses: political adultery
- being impeached: political divorce proceedings
- photo opportunities and sound bites
- spin doctors
- mudslinging as a viable campaign strategy
- pollsters' and psychics' predictions
- corporate earnings forecasts
- investors who bail out of a company because it earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
- companies that downsize because they earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
- the stock market soaring on news of higher unemployment
- going on unemployment yourself
- mortgages and other long-term, life-sapping obligations, like marriage
- divorce
- having to pay alimony and child support
- not receiving alimony and child support
- staying single because you think the other option is even worse
- having to think of yourself as "unfit" if you don't propagate your genes
- looking at some of the people who DO propagate their genes
- watching a billion years of evolution sputter out when you die childless
- knowing that all your knowledge and experiences will evaporate when you die
- being dead
- being embalmed
- being displayed at an open-casket funeral
- decomposition
- eternal damnation
- heaven
- purgatory ("What's the point?," asked the cynic. "We've already been there.")
- reincarnation (damned if I'm taking calculus again!)
- past-life regression therapy
- aromatherapy
- foot reflexology
- chakras
- auras
- spirit channeling
- energy vortexes
- good karma and bad karma
- gurus
- false idols
- pop idols
- the artist formerly known as Prince
- the company still known as Microsoft
- monopolies
- landing on Boardwalk with a hotel on it
- not passing "GO"
- not winning
- not even breaking even
- the fact that virtue is rarely rewarded
- that the rewards usually go to the wrong people
- that good things don't last
- that bad things never go away
- that nothing you do in this life will matter 10,000 years from now
- that nothing you do in this life will matter 10 years from now
- that nearly everything you do is dictated by your genes
- that you'll never have enough time to do everything you want
- that everything declines eventually, including you
- the decline of language
- the decline of art
- the decline of decency
- puritanism: lusting to prevent others from lusting
- searching for happiness
- searching for kindred spirits
- searching for love
- searching for self-esteem
- searching for the meaning of life
- searching for a flashlight with live batteries
- searching for answers
- never finding the answers
- not wanting to find the answers
- realizing that the answers will always elude you if you search for them
- knowing that you're still clueless after all these years
- realizing that all the wise men, philosophers and self-help authors were clueless, too
- knowing that the world is going to fall apart eventually
- not caring if the world falls apart
- "whatever"
© 1997-2001 by Rick Bayan.
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You are cynical.
You always think that about everybody on this board. You must be a mass murderer or something. You are always suspicious.
I might be cynical, but it sounds to me like--sm
someone is trying to set you up to be the scapegoat. Perhaps they are looking for someone else to do the dictations, or want to bring it back in-house, if someone there is complaining about it. If that is not the case, suggest they get the reports returned via FTP or some encrypted method. That way, they can print out their own and if they are lost, it is their fault, not yours. good luck.
oh my gosh, Cynical, you and I must have had the same boss - sm
She told me a monkey could do my job. Needless to say, that two and a half monkeys are now doing the job with fewer docs and fewer patients. When I had that job, I ALONE WORKED 40 HOURS for 5 physicians, 3 midwives, and did some other odds and ends pertaining to my job. I was told a monkey could do my job.
The practice has gotten much smaller, fewer clinicians, and the job that I once held alone is now being done by 2-1/2 people. Go figure!!
You wouldn't believe the excuses we hear, so I think it makes us cynical even when sm
we don't want to be. We have had MTs lie about their mothers dying, husbands dying, even had two that had relatives notify that they themselves had died, all of which were not true.
We get told that someone was in an accident (find out later it was a lie), told that someone's dog had to be put to sleep (felt bad but found out they never had a dog), even told that their father died. She forgot that she used that one the previous year too.
We have had heard about severe storms with power outages when the MT did not know that another MT lives 2 blocks away and told us of sunshine when we asked how she was working through the storm.
We have been told that someone's husband was being deployed, when the truth is that he was not even in the service.
We have been told that an MT's husband beat her up and that she was at the ER right at that moment, but caller ID said that she was calling from home. When questioned, she explained about the "glitch" with caller ID being mixed up IN THE ENTIRE CITY OF SEATTLE.
See what we mean?
Bad things? what bad things? people's being petty and small?
x
You can't make things worse and could make things better.
The skinny woman may be ill. The guy might not know the dog is a nuisance. Who knows? Maybe it is not as forbidding as it seems and maybe they just need to be asked in a nice way.
I do a lot of the same things you do...
I also go water the plants - sometimes just being out in the sunshine for 20 minutes or so wakes me up and gets me going again.
I also do the online thing for my kids: Gap, Old Navy and Abercrombie Kids. I occasionally look at Sephora for me.
And yes, exercise does help. I either take a run first thing in the a.m. or around 1:00. The morning gives me a totally different spin on the day - I feel better in general the whole day and much more positive. If I wake up too late for that, I end up going around 1:00, as I find that around that time I start wandering mentally anyway. I used to feel guilty for taking the hour or so away but realized if I added up all the minutes I spend staring at the screen (waiting for the words to type themselves) it would be more than an hour. So I try to use my time wisely and for myself by exercising and feel more focused and positive afterwards. This is a habit I'm still creating. I've been doing this a while now and I still some days have to convince myself it's okay and the hour is going to help me, not hurt me. After I'm done I'm always glad I went.
Thanks for posting this question - you gave me some good ideas.
There are a few things you can do. Don't
answer phones, let machine pick up. Turn ringer off on cell phone. Stay off boards, turn tv down or off. I don't know about others but I need a little background noise so I keep tv on a volume where I can hear it but not truly understand what is going on. I keep it on the music channel just so I hear something in the background. Don't think about the dirty dishes, laundry or 100 other things needed to be done in the house.
If you need a drink, get one before you start, same goes for a snack. I get a bowl of something to snack on before I start working such as pretzels, carrot sticks, m&m, etc. I bought an oven timer to keep on my desk. I set it for 3 to 4 hours and then take a little break when it goes off. When I first sign on I can work for 4+ hours w/o getting up.
Make macros of phrases. The phrases are the key. If you're forever typing something over and over and saying "I should make a macro for it," don't say it, do it. Closed head injury precautions are set as "chip-" in shorthand. I also do a lot of consults and at the end they have their own little "thank you for allowing me to participate" statement. I use the docs last name with a T at the end of it for the word thank you such as "SmithT" because not all the thank you statements are the same. WDI is written discharge instructions, wci wound care instructions. Macro your labs and headings so you don't have to keep typing them. If the word or abbr. needs to capitalized make a macro. igg comes out as IgG. The less you hit your shift key, it's saving a key stroke. 05m comes out as 0.5% Marcaine, etc. Make something you can remember. I'm at the point now where I've done the same accounts for years and hardly make macros, maybe 1 or 2 a day. If I make a macro today I write it in a notebook sitting right in front of me. It's a quick reminder for me.
Hope some of this helps.
Many things are said here...sometimes...
people get a bit testy. But, guess what? We are all adults, aren't we? Long ago I learned to not take offense to things, remarks, opinions, whatever - as most often taking offense only drags you down personally. Why let things get to you?
MQLover has every right to express her opinion. Is she the only one who ever slams back when she gets slammed? Hardly. That is a natural reaction. It's a defense mechanism. We don't all feel kissy/huggie all the time, and we especially don't when we express our thoughts and get smacked for them.
If someone's post irritate or bother you, why not just skip them? There's a heck of a lot more to life than getting upset of bb posts.
The things I do.
% of utilities, -phone, water, electric-mileage, internet, interest on auto payment, repair to car, cleaning equipment for office, repairs to office, cell phone, equipment-foot pedals, soft ware, supplies, paper, pens, etc. I have often wondered if I could claim my PJs as uniform expense.
But apart from those things R they OK?
two things
Gas heater in the living room and an additional small heater for my hands, if they get cold.
I found it was less costly to install a gas heater than use the fireplace.
Thanks! I'm always trying to think of new things and though....
I thought this might be different to brake up the monotony! Thanks again!
Well there have been quite a few things
here and there, but I have always put off calling them cause they spend 10 minutes getting the spelling of my name right. I am like, "you can call me whatever you want to call me, just answer my question!"
The problem I am having now is that my internet will not allow me to access my bank site, but my cable company helped me with this problem. Since we went back and did a system restore and it still didn't fix the problem, they suggested that I am probably going to have to reinstal internet explorer. I left my CD at my Dad's though, so I will have to wait to try it and see if it works.
I am just wondering if I run into a problem again and I called if they would switch me to a US representative if I insisted. I remember awhile back someone posted that they did that with a credit card company or something. I think I am going to try it though.
That's if you want to be any of those things.
Really, why choose a career field solely based on potential income? Does money buy happiness? Doctors and nurses work very long hours. LPNs make $12 an hour, RNs $18 and up. Attorneys, well, who would want to be an attorney? Accountants here make $12 an hour to start out with a 5-year degree and CPA.
Have you tried these things? (sm)
Writing for the paper and making extra bucks by doing MT?
Maybe go back for your Master's and teach journalism in smaller colleges?
Possibly freelance for web sites? Check out elance.com and other freelancer sites. Lots need writing. Work that experience! Do you have a portfolio to show off?
Good luck :)
two things you can do
1. Run Disk Cleanup - click Start | All Programs | Accessories | System Tools | Disk Cleanup.
2. If you use Internet Explorer, click on Tools | Internet Options. Click on the buttons that say Delete Cooks and Delete Files.
Close your browser, restart it, and that should resolve your problem.
Well, with the way things are going,
I think I would be happy to get anything. Many companies are doing away with gifts completely due to the economy.
I'm not willing to pay for something that will only tell me things I already know.
I know to use an Expander and templates/normals. I know to expand phrases, words, reports, etc. I know to stay away from the boards, let the machine get the phone, and treat this like a REAL job, but it's really hard to concentrate when there's nothing but garbage dictation on the system. I can see somebody else already took all the work from my primary, so I'm stuck with the lousy ESL secondary that I hate and won't make any money on. I can never make any money working for any national. They bounce you around so much that you never have the same dictators from day to day and can't keep account specs straight.
are doing these things....NM
x
Some of us can do 2 things at once, and well! nm
nm
They are okay though there were some things I did not like - sm
though it may not bother others. Need to have AIM on while you work so they can IM you....they can monitor you this way too, unless you know how to turn off that feature. Alway felt to me like Big Brother was watching. Did not like primary account, lots of short reports (I like them long with good line counts, not these dinky 10 lines things that take you 10 minutes to crank out); loved my 2nd and 3rd though, but rarely got to see them. Were considered an employee, nice, don't have to worry about taxes. Had to give a schedule and stick to it (granted you are an employee so you must do that), but flexible. Have to work 1 weekend day too. Get lots of faxes, sometimes too much. People are nice enough though, never had trouble with QA. Like I said just a few things rubbed me the wrong way, good enough place though. Good luck.
What are the things that keep MTs
I'm putting together a list of things that make it hard for MT to get decent line count. Can anyone give me their opinion? TIA!
Could mean a lot of things......sm
Could mean that the QA department is backed up and your report just hasn't come up for review yet. Does your QA department have a higher level to which more difficult reports are sent for yet another listen? It could be that it has been held up in this way. I know how frustrating it must be for you not to have your feedback yet. I hope you get it soon. :-)
Here are some things.....
If you own your home, you can deduct taxes, mortgage interest, DSL or internet service, electricity, heating bills, anything you bought for your job, i.e, pencils, pens, a new chair, a new desk, highlighters, etc., and anything else that is related solely to your business at home.
Don't forget you can also deduct anything you donated. Every few weeks I "clean house" and donate all my goodies to Salvation Army. But make sure you get a receipt.
Several things...
For me personally, I was drwan to transcription for several reasons. I love the field of medicine and I love to learn something new every day. Those were the main things at first. Now, I love to be home for my children and am happy this job that I already love helps me do that!
getting things done
I have found David Allen's GTD approach very useful in organizing life, time, and goals. You can do a search for "getting things done" on google.
As if 1 of those things isn't bad enough.
Yikes.
I never go to any of these things...sm
that way I'm not stuck with buying stuff I don't want/need/pay too much for.
Thank you both - these are exactly the things (sm)
I was talking about! This will be VERY helpful. Have a good day :)
These are some things I do
Boy, I hear you on how time consuming and tiring it can be to get ready to go! We don't have any kids but we have three small dogs (which are like kids to us).
We camp almost every other week-end, May through September, and I try to do as much as I can during the week to get things ready, a little each day that I can.
Also, I have bought as many things as possible to leave in the camper so I don't have to take things from the house to the RV/back and forth. I try to stock the cupboards with foods that can be left there for the season. This year I also bought us underwear that stays in the RV all summer. When we come home from camping, I wash it and back it goes to the RV. (Then in the fall, it will come in the house and we can throw out old underwear and buy new again the next year for the RV.) We also leave warm clothes in the camper all season as they are usually part of our "winter clothes" anyway.
We also keep our RV electrical plugged in all season so I can leave many things in the refridge and freezer, without using up our propane to run the fridge. We have an outside outlet on our house so we can do this.
While we are camping, I make a list of things I note we will need to buy for the next camping trip; otherwise, I would never remember what I needed. I also have made a "Camping Checklist" of things I need to remember to take each time and things I need to do before we leave. That really helps me a lot.
HTH some. Have fun camping! We will be going on "vacation" (five days) in our RV next week and we can hardly wait. Even each week-end away is like a mini-vacation for us.
Several things:
1. Separate accounts. Get a credit card in your business name to run all business purchases through. That will simplify things immensely. Get a business checking account (you can choose Jane Smith DBA - doing business as -Transcription Services Limited if you are not incorporated).
2. The first year that you are an IC, do not worry about quarterly payments. You do need to withhold enough from your paychecks to be ready to pay your regular taxes as well as an additional 7.5% self employment tax come April next year. Put all of this in your business account. The second year, 2007, - as long as you pay 100% of what your taxes were in the previous year, you will not incur any fines. So if you paid $8500 between your husband and you in your taxes this year, next year divide the $8500 by 4, to get $2125. Watch your husband's withholding and every quarter, take what has been withheld from him and add whatever it takes to make $2125 from yours. I.e. he has $2000 withheld, your quarterly payment should be $150 - allowing a little extra.
I agree it is worth it to find a good CPA that will help you get organized and give you deadlines for filing, as well as help you find deductions that you are entitled to take. But after that, easy enough to do on your own if you do your own taxes anyway.
I have two things (sm)
Watching my two-year-old son sing and dance, and my five-year-old daughter getting 100% on her sight words (reading) at school four weeks in a row. And she's only been in school for four weeks. My kids make me happy and proud!
Here's other things I do to them....sm
1. Ask them if they need you to spell everything you want to say for them.
2. Ask them if they'll be voting Republican, Democrat or Independent in the next election and to explain the pros/cons of each candidate. I love to hear them stammar on that one!
3. If it's a male, ask him if he makes his wife walk behind them and treat them like a second class citizen or if she is allowed freedom like we have in America.
4. Tell them you'll listen to their sales pitch if they'll agree to listen to yours - then start reading the Sunday ads to them.
Several things
Semester is half over!
Just 27 hours left to graduate!
Life's going good. Anything wrong is something I can get a handle on.
Feel blessed. My family is safe and well. It's beautiful weather. I have all I need and most of what I want.
I'm silly that way, I guess. :)
Things you don't know
Unlike you, I volunteered for yesterday and today, but did not volunteer to stay up all night Wednesday with a preschooler begging me to take away her tummy pain, and also deal with her illness as I tried to work yesterday.
I did not "plan" a "big" family gathering...they invited themselves over (all 3 of them), which I was grateful to do YESTERDAY when my load was to have been lighter. It was in my mind a show of appreciation for the 2 nights I have had without having to work or be the sole responsible person for this child in a year (they kept her while I was in the hospital from a stress-related GI illness).
I am grateful this child is in my life as she was literally dropped off on my door step unanounced one day because her parents wanted to be teenagers. But the stress of court dates, proving paternity so the parents can "get a fresh start" by walking away from the child they produced, the therapy sessions to help her cope with why they abandoned her, the state agencies that provided minimal assistance to kinship care providers but mandated appointments that cut into my pay to attend....
Right now vanity is a luxury I cannot afford and perhaps, yes, I kind of resent it for other people TODAY. I did not resent it yesterday and shall not resent it tomorrow (even though I am on mandatory stat coverage for the entire weekend with no pay for it).
I am stressed and I vented about vanity. Now, I will take the child I did not give birth to and essentially take my toys and go home. Thanks for the support! Merry Christmas, too!
Some things to consider...sm
For me, IC versus employee boiled down to benefits (PTO, sick days, insurance, etc.) versus the greater flexibility in my schedule. As an IC, I generally made more on the paycheck, but that was before taxes, which can become a nightmare if you're not careful. When I got to thinking about, really the only thing I was actually giving up was the greater flexibility in my schedule. I discovered that when I factored in the benefits package, which included holidays and other things in addition to those mentioned above, I felt like I was actually making at least as much if not more in terms of monetary compensation. Also, where I am at now allows a 1-hour window on either side of my shift start time, so I can start an hour earlier or an hour later than I am scheduled to without having to notify anyone about it. That actually helps quite a bit, but if you can stomach converting to a more structured shift schedule, I think the addition of benefits to your regular pay can make it very much worth your while, especially if you don't already have health insurance benefits through your spouse's employment. Another aspect that can generate considerable peach of mind is if your benefit package includes disability. If anything ever happens to prevent me from being able to continue working, my salary is covered. For me, all of these things were significant enough to move me to change. I spent the better part of 15 years as an IC, so I thought about it long and hard. Now I have the "V" word back in my vocabulary for the first time in a long time, and it's nice to be getting paid while I'm on "v"acation. Those are the main considerations that went into my decision process.
I hope those thoughts help, and I wish you the best.
I do those very things
I tell them I want consistent work, list the type of work I don't like (only 2 types), and I make it very clear what I'm looking for and of course all of them say they have JUST that. My main thing is consistent work, I want to work my shift and be done, not be on here 24/7 trying to get my hours.
What the pay IS, vs. what it SHOULD BE, are 2 different things! (sm)
It also depends on where you live, the difficulty of the work, etc. I'm at about 9.5 cpl. In Ky. that's good pay, but in NY or CA it's poverty-line.
ear things
Which ones to get?
A few things...
I have a couple of websites--actually several--that are content based websites, so I have ads on them which make me a little money. I also make felt playsets for children, and locally I sell mosaic birdbaths, and will soon start selling potting benches. I designed one for myself, built it for cheap, and it turned out well. I also sell on Ebay. I feel if I put as much time and passion into what I love as I was putting into MTing, then certainly I will be able to make a living. It includes advertising all that I do and really putting the hours into it.
Lynn
With God, all things are possible..
xx
There are so many things to do
Hi - I have worked at home for 9 years. I did start to feel that way once my kids started school, but there are things you can do. For example, I found a walking buddy through Exercisefriends dot com and started walking every day. Also, there are other people who work from home - post on Craigslist or something like that and find other work-at-homers to meet for lunch. Allow yourself a lunch break. Initiate social outings with friends - like organize a girls night out that you initiate.
Look things up and
That is what I did when I started. Constantly looked things up. Sure it slows you down in typing but you come out looking better and you learn tons more this way. Also do not make up words or guess. Look up the word and if not found then leave a blank. That's the way to do it. Try to educate yourself. I edit and I see wrong words or made up spellings for drugs when I know they can be looked up easily.
Two things.
If you're using Express Scribe, there are hot keys on the F keys to stop, start, rewind, etc. Also, have you tried to change the default in Express Scribe (or whatever program you're using) to something different that will recognize your foot pedal?
I think we all want things to be better but some
doing something about it.
First things first -
Set aside what you will need to pay taxes and DO NOT touch it. Sit down and decide how much you need to live on if you decide to take time off. The important thing is to not spend like crazy if you want to keep that nest egg. That is not so much money that it cannot run through your fingers very quickly if you do not keep close track of it, especially after you pay your taxes. Oh, and congratulations! :-)
I think you are doing all the right things. SM
"The Language of Medicine" is really thorough and a great review. I'm using it to prep for the CMT.
The problem for you isn't going to be medical knowledge, it's that your ears will be a little stiff at first. You might start now with general transcription and get your "transcription chops" back up to speed on a part-time basis while you still work in your lab position (lucky you! those are sometimes so tricky!).
You might also consider taking a refresher course. There are several excellent online transcription courses available that you could work on now while you're still at your path lab job.
I think you can absolutely do it! Best wishes.
They will be saying a lot of the same things over SM
and over again, so you will learn quickly. Hard to give difficulty number, because depends who gives the report, but if it is a small hospital probably 3-4.
There may be a lot of lab work, which you probably already know from clinics.
I already know how to do these things and have been doing them.
The problem is how to keep Word from CREATING AND RETAINING these files in the first place. Also, I want to know if anyone else is having the same problem that I am. TY.
such things....
I brought it up because the post above me said something about why do we assume illegals are not clean and such. It isn't that I assume it is from exp. She was saying she thought it was bigotry and I was saying it is just facts from exp. The legals I know are not like this. I know 2 different legal Mexican ciizens. Very clean people who are no different than anyone else. But from my exp again the illegal ones for some reason just don't care. The ones I come into contact with that is.
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