5-year marriage falling apart
Posted By: newbie on 2006-02-24
In Reply to:
I need some very serious advice. I have been thinking of leaving my husband for the last year and it is only getting worse. I am so unhappy and don't see it getting any better. He is a great father (we have a 4-year-old), but he has a very limited relationship with my 11-year-old. His real father lives states away and has just recently decided to be somewhat a part of his life. It breaks my heart when my son tries with my husband and he gives a half-hearted attempt or barely acknowledes my son and then pays all this attention to my daughter. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I basically do everything by myself with the kids, he dislikes my family (I'm not very fond either, but hey, they are my family) so I usually attend family functions on my own w/ the kids.
I think we should at least try marriage counseling and take it from there. I am only giving this another 6-12 months though. I deserve a husband who accepts me for me and helps me clean because he realizes I need help, not becuase he can't stand the mess anymore. My son deserves a loving, caring step-dad who will take him fishing or practice baseball with him. Am I making the right choice? When do you know it is the right time to move on? I am so scared. The biggest factor will be raising 2 kids on my own. I am making squat right now.
I need some advice. Mom's not home and I am ready to cry my eyes out.
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Unforttunately marriage problems tend to follow you into the next marriage...sm
seems like marriage is more about being the right person than marrying the right person.
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"
.
marriage
I am not the most knowledgeable Bible student, but it is my understanding that it says that it is better to marry than to burn, not that it is good for ALL to marry. Could you please direct me to the passage that says this? My understanding of this is that because the human sex drive is very strong, many people would not be able to devote their entire lives to studying the Bible, versus marrying and raising a family, and that a marriage is the only appropriate relationship where two should become one flesh (not that it is the only time that it happens, and in fact if one has relations with a prostitute, or a one night stand, or even "serial monogamous" relations, then the two do in fact become one flesh).
marriage
Thank you. That would be most helpful. Just learning.
Actually, this is his second marriage to a man.nm
x
bad marriage
I agree with the 40-something single supervisor who started this threat. It can be lonely being single, but it can ALSO be lonely being in a bad marriage; maybe even MORE lonely than being alone. I'm worried about the MT she was talking to when the abuse happened. I will pray that the MT will call the police and/or her local women's shelter...but I understand her fear...God be with her.
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
x
My E key keeps falling off!
I have worked in quite a few hotel rooms also. In fact, I would not consider one job recently because they could not guarantee an internet platform but were still using phone lines for some accounts.
The Sky is Falling
Please read my post (Slave Wages). As I explained Medquist is paying 5 cpl with voice recognition. Even if one were to produce 10,000/week or 200 lines/day, that would not be enough to live off, especially for a person like me with a daughter. You can laugh it off. Remember they did the same thing to Noah. Keep lowering your prices until you are at 1 cent per job. It will be the best for everybody!!
that sky has been falling since the 80s -
and it hasn't caved yet. Not going to happen - not TOTALLY.
But a backup might be right for you.
Maybe that was YOUR marriage, but not mine.
We don't need the fake stuff when we've got the real thing.
The reason why I think marriage..
is important, and it IS definitely relevent, is because it does make a difference. When somebody dates, is engaged, is educated, gets married, and THEN has children they overwhelmingly do better in society than single unmarried women. Not that there are not exceptions, of course there are, but being single sets you up right from the start to be disadvantaged financially and in numerous other ways.
It also sets a bad example for your children who grow up thinking this is okay behavior, which then perpetuates the practice of having children out-of-wedlock. Children need 2 parents. The role of a man and father has been so marginalized since the 1960s/1970s, but it is truly an important part of the upbringing of a child. I really believe that with all my heart.
probably a very one-sided marriage...sad...nm
@
marriage crisis
I appreciate all of your replies on this issue. I was a single mom before I even started seeing my husband, so I know first hand the hardships and the sacrifices that come with that role. I will contact a marriage counselor to try and salvage this. I am not leaving just yet as I will have to save up some money and get my pay up a bit before I can leave (if this happens).
I know this will, in some way, affect my daughter, but I think it would be better leaving now than staying for another 10 for her sake and being miserable. I can guarantee that if we do split, she will be of the utmost importance. Just because we have split, does not mean we cannot get along and be there for her.
As for the husband knowing how I feel? He knows because I brought it up before, about us separating for a while and he said to give him the papers and he will sign them, which told me he could really care less if I left. Then he made the remark about the grass is not always greener on the other side (meaning finding another man to make me happy). I told him finding another man was not my goal, I just wasn't happy with him.
My main issue is we do things alone so often (he with his friends, me with the kids) that losing his family makes me more sad than losing him. Isn't that pathetic? I LOVE my in-laws.
I am going to stop babbling now. I just want to say thank you to all of you for your advice and frankness concerning this issue. It really did help me.
this saved my marriage
check out flylady.net - there is a lot of information there, so be patient and read through it...it will give you a different perspective on housework and make it easier on you, even if he does not pitch in. i had to learn to stop nagging my husband about the housework and just do it because i was grateful for my home and wanted to see the floor every now and again :-)one great thing is that, by biting my tongue about the housework, he slowly came around to helping because he was grateful that i was keeping the house nice for him.
also, getting rid of the clutter one step at a time will also help your husband's mental state - too much chaos is confusing for him. i have a mental illness - manic-depression - and having my house in order by following simple step-by-step routines that are written down so i don't have to think about them - just follow the list - has calmed me down considerably and left time for me to care for myself like i should. you will be helping both of you by slowly, step-by-step getting the house together. getting this will help your dear baby by leaving the floor and other areas clear for him to crawl around and do what babies do :-) without all the confusion of clutter.
flylady.net made me more loveable by cutting my tiredness and crankiness (because you clean in small steps that do not exhaust you). It also helped my mood, giving me the self-esteem that comes from tending and blessing my home (and, therefore, my husband) by keeping the clutter at a low liveable hum instead of a screaming mess.
one more thing - try to remember daily why you fell in love with your in the first place. trust me, he is still in there (i was). it was through the committment of my husband to stick by me and tell me all the time that he loved me and wanted to help me that i finally began to love myself again. sure, i still have my days, but they are fewer and farther between, and don't feel so heavy with his help around the house (minus my nagging) :-)
i also want to say that Jesus turned my changed my life - literally gave me a new life and turned me in a totally different direction than my life was taking - took me out of my self-destructive ways because He showed His love to me. i am praying for you. you are hurting right now, and so is your husband. i pray that your hearts will be healed and your love will come back. remember that you created a covenant before God and your families to stick it out through sickness and health and your husband made a covenant to stick it out through messy house or clean :-) blessings.
Falling asleep...
I don't even need the alarm. I put my head back on the "cushy" part of the chair, tell myself "okay, I need 5 minutes," and I'm out like a light and will wake up 5-6 minutes later! I think the sheer boredom of what we do has a hypnotic effect on some of us and causes this. But you're right, when you wake up you're okay for awhile until the next time, whether it's 1 hour later or 4 or whatever. Glad I'm not the only one.
falling wages...
Unfortuntely, it is true, falling wages for MTs and experience plays not part in it. But, there is a reason for it....as we all are aware, hospitals have chosen to cut their debt by outsourcing medical transcription to India for 1/4 the cost it would be to pay us here in the states. Let's face it...MT jobs here in the states will soon be absolete, and thinking about the wages ever getting better, forget. My advise is for all MTs to seek another source of income before it is too late....i.e. perhaps going back to school or seeking one of the higher paying jobs or at least equal to medical transcription such as Walmarts, Meijers, restaurants, etc...and eh...even get medical benefits, vacation time, etc....I currently receive none of that from my employer and was also told to take a pay decrease as of this 12/02...along with everyone else, so was paying us 10 cents per line, but little trick to that, lines are 70 characters per line with spaces included....everyone does 65 characters with spaces...now from 10 cents to 9 cents and 70 characters per line...hmmmm, I figure I am making 8 cents a line now. Yes indeed, I am out of transcription after 25 years coming this income tax refund check. Transcription has become a degrading job!
Falling off trampoline
They don't have to fall the trampoline to get hurt. They break bones, twist muscles, tendons, on impact with the trampoline. If they hit the coils that hold the trampoline onto the frame and the coil comes loose, they can suffer puncture wounds to the eyes or other parts of their body.
People need to teach safety measures to their kids when they are on a trampoline and never leave them unsupervised on it. It can be fatal.
I am just not worried about VR, EMR, the sky falling and on and on
If the entire medical field goes kerplunk, all you can do is pick yourself off, get another job really fast and heave ho. What else? I have had 2 jobs pulled out from underneath me and I am still here. You can make it also. No use in worrying. I lost a very profitable job to outsourcing years ago and now don’t worry about the fate of Mting.
falling asleep
Yes. I have it also, but mine is a health issue due to not sleeping post laminectomy syndrome. I have found that eating hot chips and/or eating crushed ice really helps. Above all since you are healthy, agree with the others see a doc. Hope this helps in the meantime.
This job was able to get me out of a long, horrible marriage and I thank my
zz
His first legal marriage was to a woman. It has only sm
just become legal in Britain for same sex marriages, and he and David married the first day it was legal. He has had many partners, but only one other legal marriage.
This sounds similar to my 2nd marriage.
I understand very much what you're going through, except for the part about having a child together with your current husband. I'm into 8-1/2 years of my second marriage, and my son from first marriage was 13 when we got married. However, his biological dad is a huge deadbeat who abandoned our son and left the state--no contact or part of his life whatsoever. So, my son longed for a father figure. This husband was no great shakes as a husband or father, but he was certainly better than the real dad. He makes a living and provides us with a house. I wanted to leave him many times for some of the same reason you claim, as well as others, but things are starting to get better. My son is now 21. What would hold me back the most is how HARD and MISERABLE it is out there to make a living as a single mother. So, I would encourage you to weigh this against the marriage ending, because at times it seemed to just be trading one misery for a different kind of misery. Although I had peace of mind in some ways when single, to try and survive and support yourself and your children, to be their mom AND dad, comes with its own set of troubles and sorrows and stresses, not just for you but for your children. My son now understands that his stepdad wasn't all he could've been, but this is what we have and what guarantee would the alternative been? There's no guarantee you'll find another husband, much less one who will be a wonderful, caring stepfather to what would then be two stepchildren. I don't mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. As I said, things are getting better.
SEEK MARRIAGE COUNSELING NOW!
You need to be telling this to a marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go without him. It will give you the insight needed to make this tough decision.
save your marriage but be smart
I do notice you started back pedalling and saying "oh it's not really so bad and he is my best friend" Once you started getting some responses to get out of the marriage.
I am glad you can see that your husband and marriage has some really positive traits but please it won't help you to minimize the areas where you are having trouble just because you are under fire.
I don't agree that you should just up and leave your husband. He does sound like he might have some very serious issues and possibly you as well for putting up with this treatment but I dont' judge because each relationship can have some problems. The key is recognize and try to solve not to fight.
Tell me -- how can you miniimze the fact your husband is living it up so to speak -- going out with friends whenever he wants WITHOUT you. While you stay home like menial labor taking care of kids.
A marriage is partnership where each individual needs to be able to pursue their own interests but the thoughts, feelings and well being of their partner has to come into play as well. A marriage cannot survive when only one partners needs are being met and the other's are ignored. It just depends how long you are willing to put up with it or how long before he crosses another line (into an affair maybe when he is out alone). This is dangerous territory and you need to stop minimizing the situation and realize you marriage might be in grave danger.
What is sounds like is your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants a great social life without you and kids tagging along -- reliving his single days possibly -- working out when he wants, going out to lunch or dinner.
There is nothing wrong with him pursing his individual interest and friendships --- we don't become bound at the hip when we become married -- we need to have our own sense of self. But the problem here is he DOES have a sense of self and readily pursues his own interestes but does ALLOW you to do the same. This is not partnership -- but it is control and oppression.
While you still may get along well, have great sex etc this is not a healthy realtionship for either of you and your children will see that you constantly defer your dreams and desires and wants at your husbands wishes whilst he does whatever he wants. Is this a lesson you want to teach them? That woman should be kept in the home and be basically a maid, a cook, a childcare provider and at-home worker but does not deserve respect and dignity from husband and to be treated equally?
You can turn this around. I am not suggesting you just bail. Do as you suggested. Stand up to your husband. Don't argue. Simply state (don't ask) that you will be going out -- if he refuses to watch the children then DO hire the sitter. When you are both more calm let him know that you understand his desire to pursue his own interests and friendships and your support that -- but you deserve the same right. Also you both need to balance those things with family time -- which should come first.
Consider martial counseling but don't just leave. See if he will agree. You and your husband need to see why he is so passive/aggressive towards you and why you are willing to put up with that. If you are religious seek Christian couseling and prayer from a pastor to help save your marriage.
However, if he refuses to change, refuses counseling you may come to a crossroad where you might have to consider if you can live under these conditions.
You should be afraid my dear. I am divorced had a similar husband. I would be very frightened your hubby might be having an affair or might consider one. He has you under his thumb... he comes and goes as he pleases and there are no repercussions. He does not respect your rights or see you as an equal patner. What does he do with his "buddys" -- go to the bars? Are there late nights? Business trips?
I am truly not trying to be mean but you need to open your eyes to the possibility where this might be going... and please do NOT say it won't happen to me because ALL women who have had a husband cheat think that.
Also get yourself an education if you don't have one - work on a degree. I know you work as an MT but can you support a house and 3 children on that?? If you marriage does end... what will you do to make a living? Start thinking of taking some online courses or one night at community college. Get another skill if you don't make enough as an MT.
Please just consider advice from someone who has been there. I am a single Mom with 2 boys. Was married over 10 years. Been there and now struggling to make ends meat as a single parent. Wish someone had advised me the same.
By all means work on your marriage but be prepared. Get educated. Save some of you own money in a bank account don't keep everything in his name.... It's hard to fight denial but you need to watch our for your kids and your future while trying to fight for the marriage.
Sounds like a great marriage you have there...
Wow.
Yep. I was falling asleep sitting up.
I went to the neurologist, and he put me on Provigil. Works pretty good. I'm also switching to an earlier work shift.
My snowflakes are just little falling x's today. Is it just me? nm
I made the mistake of falling for that
pitch in 2004 when I applied at TRS. When I left one month later because they kept running out of work and bouncing me around, I learned to disregard any endorsements.
As it was later explained to me, the award is based on employee votes. Depending on how many people vote, it can be determined by just a handful of people. Hardly a ringing endorsement...
Falling ON the floor with that one! LOLOL!!!!
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Falling asleep at the keyboard
I wondered if anyone has any tips for me. I have been an MT going on six years. Suddenly, whenever I am typing, I am drifting off to sleep (and somehow still typing?). I have tried background noise, getting up and stretching, walking, drinking, eating so much I've gained weight, nothing works! As soon as I start typing, I relax and can't hold my eyes open. Finally, I take a nap but my line count is really taking a hit. This has gone on for several months. I do not believe it is a health issue - I have always been healthy as a horse. I think it is bordom or lack of mental challenge? I really can't see myself moving on to another career. Help! I need to stay awake! Anyone else have this problem?
falling asleep at the keyboard
Actually, I do. If I am a passenger I cannot stay awake. If I am driving, I realize I am halfway where I am going and cannot remember anything leading up to that point (such as lights, stop signs) like I am on autopilot. Maybe I should see a doctor. I appreciate all the responses.
Come on over to the west coast too where interracial marriage
It is very small minded to think that crossing races to marry is wrong. Again, we are all people, no matter what color we are. For example, I would rather my daughter marry a black man who treated her with respect, love, kindness, being an equal than married to a white man who treated her like trash. Note that I said EXAMPLE, the race could vary of course.
not about sex, about falling in love with a person's spirit
He can still procreate with any woman, but if he feels urges towards men, well thats nature.
I only relisten if I was falling asleep while typing. -nm
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Heavens no, but in this business the pay is falling as we speak
I have been outsourced twice, once in 90 making almost 60 thousand a year to a 20 thousand dollar decrease for another job and then outsourced again to VR. I used to work extra, overtime, etc. but now I NO LONGER HAVE TO. I can hit over $20.00 per hour, only working part-time, my choice and if other people want to do differently, that is them. I owe no one anything and I do not work harder, if anything easier for me, I love it, I am happy. It may not be for everyone but I don't have to worry about where my next check coming from like in the past. If others do not want to do, let them choose otherwise. The VR I do is an excellent platform, most have very little editing to them and others should get out of MTing if they think they will not be able to afford to make a living doing it.
You are asking for trouble. Your marriage must come first as the foundation for a strong family. nm
nm
He drew my blood for my marriage license - engaged to someone else
True story. My husband was the one who was drawing my blood for my marriage license. I was engaged to someone else, and back then you have to have your blood drawn before you got married. When I sat down, he said to me "are you sure you want to get married before you and I have a chance to get to know each other?" I cracked up and realized he was right - I needed to get to know him before I got married to somebody else. We have been married 24 years - 4 children and 2 grandchildren.
I had a really hard time with a pastor who preached on marriage
when I knew this was not his first marriage. I couldn't stand it. All the things he said applies to us, but what about his first wife? Where does she fit in? Too confusing for me.
COMMUNICATION+TRUST = LONG HAPPY MARRIAGE
Good lord. Why is it when someone does not want to do something with their spouse it is "assumed" another woman and/or man involved? If he just started working and is probably working hard, long shifts etc, maybe he just wants a day to himself to sleep, lounge do whatever. Call and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe he is the cautious type (I know my husband is), but maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just wanted to sleep/lounge/have a day for himself.
I am sure he misses you and the kids, but I am sure he is also tired.
You also said in your post you trust him 110%. Then trust him. Let him know how you feel, but respect him and don't go see him. Yes, you are an adult and no you do not need his permission, but you are his other half, you need to respect him (and vice versa).
Good luck and don't pay attention to the negative posts.
Oops..came out wrong...I meant it ain't always possible to stay in a marriage
I would never give up on MY LORD!
Unless it was an arranged marriage, yes, she gets the "blame" for the husband she chose to mar
I get the jest of the "warning label" post, but you cannot deny the fact that SHE CHOSE this man. She also chose the first man she married and divorced. Get screwed over once, it's them; get screwed over twice, it's you. The last thing I would suggest to the original poster would be to leave her current husband in order to find a third one. She's not good at picking husbands. Even if both of them were losers .... she's an adult and she made that choice. Maybe she didn't know he was a jerk beforehand. Well, that again proves that she is lacking the proper skills needed to pick a suitable husband and father. If you marry a jerk, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you continue to stay married to a jerk, your kids will end up blaming you, too.
Love the snow flakes falling on this page!
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Sorry, not falling for your lame attempt at a playground brawl.
Your life sounds quite gratifying (not)!
LMAO!
You're welcome, thought to be fun. Will be adding falling snowflakes and
/
About as long as the other media-creation of a marriage, Nick and Jessica
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Religion isn't going to save your marriage. He's an abuser. You need to leave before he harms
s
I just noticed my right thumb twitching. I tell ya I'm falling apart! Last week my rear end and
left leg were going numb and now my thumb is twitching. Ya know how you have your thumb poised above the space bar, well whenever I pause my typing my thumb twitches slightly and softly taps the space bar. I keep rubbing my hand hoping it will stop. Anybody else have this problem?
Maybe I'm getting to old to be an MT anymore. Been doing this for almost 14 years and never so much as had a headache. Now within the last year, I have head, neck and shoulder problems with muscle spasms and tightness, my rear end problems, and now this! Frustrating to say the least! 
Gosh, do you have a Dell laptop. Both mine and my sister's E kept falling off..
We had to call them because then the mouse broke down and so they finally replaced the own keyboard etc..best use of buying a 3-year warranty that I ever saw...especially with Dell.
Well, falling rates of wage growth and rising inflation SM
probably have something to do with it. The rate of wage growth has been falling for the past several years, and rising prices are currently more than wiping out whatever "gain" most of us have the notion we've made.
Also, when Rush points out that he and others in the richest 1% pay more than 40% of the taxes, that's NOT good. That appalling division of wealth helps explain why with all the productivity gains in our wealthy country over the past several decades, most of us are seeing our incomes stagnate or even decrease over that time.
We have a general election coming up, by the way.
How cute MTStars - Love the snowflakes gently falling!! nm
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