spanking builds fear that you mistake as respect
Posted By: raising my granddaughter on 2007-12-19
In Reply to: You say spanking does not build trust? - Puzzled
A child who has been abandoned by both parents has no trust in anyone. Why do you think spanking is the right way to build trust? We just need to agree to disagree on this issue. I trust the counselor's recommendations more than yours as hers have proven to work. Spanking does not _make_ ALL kids do good. Sigh.
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All spanking does is make kids respect you to your face (sm)
it does not teach them anything at all. When my kids were very young and I could not reason with them, they did occasionally get a swat to get them to listen to me, but once they are old enough to reason, there is no reason to use physical force on them. I am telling you, all it does is raise sneaky kids.
Fear, not respect. It's not the same thing.
And the fear only lasts until they are bigger than you are and can hit back. You'll probably be surprised when that happens and can't imagine where it came from, but you're the one who taught them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. Some other things it teaches are that it's OK to pick on/bully/hit anyone smaller than you who can't defend themselves in order to get what you want and that once you're an adult, anything goes.
Think about it. You spank a kid for hitting a sibling while telling him it's not nice to hit. You break the hair brush/ruler while paddling your kid for breaking something but you suffer no consequences for breaking something. What you get is confusion and fear, but not respect. Maybe the kid turns out OK; after all, there are other influences in his life. Maybe he doesn't. And if he doesn't, I hope he doesn't have a gun.
Our care instructions said stuff like this builds up on the top and will interfere w/cooking down
s
Spanking.
spanking versus ISS
Here is a quick question for all of you that think that the spanking from the school is okay and before any of you make any snap judgements, I was spanked as a child and when my children were smaller, they too were spanked(BY THEIR PARENTS)....Do you all realize that this school that uses these "swats" as punishment, would be on the phone immediately if they saw you or found out that you "swatted" that same child as punishment for deeds done wrong at home? Since nowadays they want to tell you what you can and cannot do as a parent to acutally parent your child( and then of course complain about said kids nowadays), that by alloing them to do something to your child that they would gladly report you for is quite ridiculous.
How long is this ISS. For five tardies..it sure as heck shouldn't be a whole day or even a half day..it should be something realistic. Yes, I do know what it is like to have to deal with school principals who are jerks, just remember that this is your child and not theirs and that it is your job to look out for them.
If you really feel that just to get this over with right now, you want to let them swat her, that is your choice but since she is so obviously not interested in ISS, I would definitely make sure that she and the school knows that this is a one time pass and yes, I too would either make her do some work around the house or take something away if only for the hassle.
Btw, five tardies in 4 or 5 months is really not that terrible IMO. That is about one a month. My goodness, we all assumed it was cause she talks anyone think that maybe the girl had to use the bathroom during her time of the month. I would also find out when she was tardy and how tardy. My son was given a tardy cause the bus was late getting him to school and I called and let them know that that is not acceptable in my book. They had given several kids on his bus tardies and after several phone calls and a check with the bus company, the tardies were removed. Yes, if my son had been chatting or something, I would not have bothered to call, I would have just remind him that tardiness of his own making is not acceptable.
Best of luck.
The problem with spanking (For me) is that
my kids don't seem to think it's a big deal. My husband piped in because I don't hit hard enough (true perhaps, I value my hands!). I don't want to be swinging a bat though! I suppose an inexperienced spanker should just find an alternative punishment.
So I guess I mean spanking is OK for certain circumstances IF your hand gives a good smack!
spanking, not beating.
Teens this day and age have no fear, of anything, it seems. Back in my days of growing up, just the thought of my parents finding out I did something I wasn't suppose to, was enough for me to keep myself in line.
And NO, we were never beaten, but did get a few pats with the belt, which were far and few inbetween.
You say spanking does not build trust?
It sure makes a kid do good, though. I would not raise my kids to be terrors and surely not with g'kids. I just do not have it period.
You can get in trouble for spanking with an object...
I'm not against spanking when appropriate, but I used to work as a legal secretary and saw people get child abuse charges for spanking with belts. I think if you use a bare hand it is legal, but the law probably varies from state to state. Just wanted to warn you!
Spanking just taught my child it was okay to hit.
We never spanked our kid until he was around 2.5. Then dad got fed up with his behavior one day and spanked him. We also tried swatting him on the hand when he did something bad. Now my son has decided that hitting is what we do when we are mad and now hits me whenever he is upset. He never did this until he started receiving spankings. I really don't think spanking/switching is the answer and just sends the wrong message to the kids. But that is just my opinion and I realize everyone is entitled to raise their kids as they see fit.
I don't automatically think spanking is abuse
said it was okay to give 'em the belt. That is abuse, plain and simple. If you feel a need to spank your child, then do it with your own hand, not another object. It's too easy to hit too hard with an object because you're not feeling the pain you're subjecting them to.
As for the gov't interfering, they have to because there are too many wackos in this world that do beat their kids to a pulp. If they all parented with a little more sense, like you obvioulsy do, then I would agree that the gov't shouldn't interefere, but unfortunately the wackos of this world don't care.
It sounds to me as if you're raising some wonderful children. You've definitely offered up some very good advice. I saw no where in your post where you said that you've used a belt, and I'm not saying that you did. I'm simply referring to the OP that started this thread that beating with a belt is abuse.
This is my fear also . . .
10-15 years from now they will find some horrible side effect.
re: fear
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121:5-8
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
re: fear
Fear is a tool that satan uses to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do. It is also actually sin cause it shows our lack of trust in the Lord. I'm not saying it will be easy to let him go, just that God will comfort you when you trust in Him....
Lovin Jesus,
Jan
why fear it when you won't know it??
:) I am about to turn 28 and I am already losing mine... I know I'm going to get Alzheimer's and that makes me SAD (SUPER sad), but im not afraid of it...
a little fear
can be a good thing, like pain...it tells you something is wrong.
There's a book called "The Gift of Fear," written by Gavin DeBecker. This is from the book jacket: "True fear is often a signal that can save your life. Are you listening?..." This is from the publisher of the book: "Through dozens of compelling examples from his own career, security expert Gavin deBecker teaches readers how to read the signs of impending danger by using their most basic--but often most discouraged--survival skill: intuition. This book provides a unique combination of practical guidance on leading a safer life and profound insight into human behavior."
BTW, I've read that one of the worst things women do (I'm totally guilty of this) is to sit in the car after coming from the store or post office or wherever, reading mail & balancing checkbooks while sitting in a parked car...perfect opportunity for some slimeball.
You did the right thing: Trusted your gut.
d.
MISTAKE
I posted my reply to this in the wrong place and to the wrong person and I apologized to that person, who does not seem to want to accept my apology. I am also sorry from leading off the topic. The person who posted the message obviously wanted some feedback on her question and it has gone into something else. I have no reason to hide my name because I have not said anything that I am ashamed of or want to hide from. Sorry for not knowing the culture. On to the next topic...
Regina
I think it would be a mistake.
My MIL did same thing and think she regrets it now. Moved out of this 3 bedroom 2 bath paid for brick home into a trailer with payments. Made absolutely no sense. She never liked the neighborhood for the 35 years she lived here. The minute hubby died she moved. He worked for house not her. Said it was too noisy. It is not. Children playing and riding bikes, which you should hear. No cussing and running around all hours. So funny, real reason is she is Jeh. Wit. and house was located in Santa Claus! Hated it for the name. You are going to have repairs in any home naturally and I know it's like...when it rains it pours (or leaks). But a trailer depreciates in value so quickly. If you rent/buy a place and rent yours out you are still doing repairs. Get a trailer and you still have to have a lot to put it on and utilities for it. Plus you have no control over what type neighbors you have unless you get an adults only lot. I would consider selling and getting an apartment or another house one. That or get motivated and start some home improvement projects! Subtle changes can do wonders for your outlook and the house, should you sell.
Our mistake
for gabbing on a gab board.
If no fear, then what exactly is there to be 'against'?
X
I bet then he sensed his fear
Dogs can sense that a mile away. I know mine can. whenever anyone comes over that is nervous about dogs, the dogs wanna hang all over them and like double sniff them. LOL
my worst fear right now is that even
if I have cash in my hand, it will be worthless, and might as well use it as TP.
not one single fear
zero, zip, zilch, nada...
we are born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. the rest we create or obtain on our own later in life. me: none, other than the two i was born with.
I got married out of fear. Then (sm)
I stayed married out of fear. Then he bought me a GPS and now I'm adventurous. Not being able to navigate was one of my biggest fears. Another fear was not having money. The way he spent our money, we never had any anyway.
that has always been a fear of mine..
that I would spill the grape juice or something.. I always feel like I'm soooo shaky with those little glasses..
A genetic mistake?!?!
I'm sorry that is laughable.
Ever seen an Arabian? A really well bred, not dressed for show, Arabian? THAT is where the Thoroughbred gets a lot of it's build. That is also where they get a lot of their speed. The Thoroughbred breed infact can be traced back to 3 ARABIAN sires. They are far from a genetic mistake. They look beautiful in my eyes and I am an avid horse person, have been all my life, with a strong background with the Arabian horse.
If you are used to looking at the blockier, heavier Quarter horse, then yes, a Thoroughbred may very well look too dainty for it's undertaking. I assure you they aren't.
I made such a big mistake
I got in touch with someone I went out with once, just to say hello. Now he won't leave me alone. I've told him I don't want to see him, that I was just saying hi, and he won't believe me. He acts like we're going to have a relationship and live happily ever after. He called me like 4 times before I ever got home from work, even though I told him what time I would be home. These were weird calls. One of them sounded like somebody else, not him at all.
He's not a whacked out kid, or on drugs (at least not that I know of), he's in his 40's and is a seemingly responsible single parent.
He's called a couple of times, ranting at me about me not answering the phone. He's called a couple of times and hung up. He just won't stop. I had to take my phone off the hook.
I wrote him an email telling him to leave me alone. Maybe he hasn't checked his email tonight, I don't know.
Anyway, this guy is seriously obsessive. He wasn't like this when I knew him before, although he did react rather badly when I broke it off.
I think I'm dealing with a psycho here! I never really knew him very well before, and now I'm hoping I can get out of it without having to get the police involved.
Made a mistake x2
This is the second time that I tried to make a vacation around a big track and field event that DH runs in each year. We left last Friday for St. John New Brunswick. It's not a hot spot place, let me tell ya! We did manage a whale watch which was cool, and a day in Nova Scotia which included a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Then, we moved down to Maine for another 5 days, and we're in the only dull spot in Maine -- Orono. Went to Bangor and spent the day in Acadia today, but I'm actually working from the hotel room now while DH runs in the meet. I don't know why I did this again. I must have been insane. So what am I doing this weekend? Working in a hotel room, and then driving 9 hours for home on Monday. sigh
I don't want to bail them out of their mistake!
ARMs are stupid. If you think about it for 2 seconds you'd know that. Too many people wanted to be Jones's and took the attitude that they'd figure it out in a few years, or sell the house for a profit. Nobody was forced to choose an ARM nor were they forced to buy three times the house they could afford. Now those of us who did not over extend ourselves are supposed to pay for all these "bad investments". What a CROCK!
I had 2 people mistake me for my
mother last Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, they misidentified me from behind. I was quite depressed about that because I always thought my moms backside was a lot larger than mine. I guess not anymore.
your fear should not hold him back.
I understand your feelings, but this seems like a completely reasonable and good trip being planned, one that could mold his mind/heart for his future. Your son could make a very positive difference in many others lives. If you haven't already, learn to trust God.
I understand your fear! I have three sons between
17 and 20 years old. Now and then they talk about enlisting, and of course I worry about the draft. For selfish reasons, I want them always to stay close to home, where it seems to be safe. But it's a very high calling to serve one's country, and I would support that decision if my sons decided upon it. If the draft were brought back, I'd be terrified. I do not support this war. I don't think it was the right thing to do. But I do support the people who serve and respect their decisions and am incredibly grateful to them for their sacrifices. I will also continue to support them by doing whatever I can, small though it may be, to help bring them home AND keep peace for us all. I wish it were a simple thing.
As for our children, the fact is, once they are 18, they can make the decision to join without our consent. Talk to each other, love her and appreciate her. If she decides to serve her country, you do not want to part in anger, and trust me, you will want to support her in any way you can.
I think that's probably a common and rational fear (sm)
I can't stand it and I imagine most people, especially females, but also males, don't like it either.
Phobia means fear.
Everybody throws around the word homophobia, but that is not the right word. People who are against homosexuality are not afraid of it. They think it is wrong. It's just annoying to keep seeing this word used in this way.
Ain't no way on this earth I am going to live in fear
You all are really lacking a lot to have this man rule your lives. If you were a man I would tell you to man up but both of you lack a backbone.
There is really no need to be rude. I made a mistake.
I misread the post. I try to be polite when posting and not get upset with other posters who are not, but your post just really hit me hard. So what if I made a mistake and so what if I use canned chicken. I was trying to be helpful, but apparently that counts for nothing these days. Once again, I apologize for having misread the post. Merry Christmas!
My mistake, I didn't state that I first took sm
him in to the vet and then called him later. I had one cocker and she died 2 years ago and never had seizures. This is the first time I have experienced anything like this on an ongoing basis. My dog when I was younger was deathly ill and that's why she had a seizure then. I've been told by several people that purebreds and small dogs are prone to them, though. Not sure if that is true or not. I am going to get a second look, though, just to be sure. I guess my dogs are like my kids, I worry about them as much as I do the kids.
You know what's sad? A lot of people won't even notice the mistake!
I see that one all the time. And my other pet peeve is 's added to make a noun plural.
Here's one that glared at me when my kids were little and attended a Catholic school. The children were in a big procession walking behind their school banner when I noticed it. The name of the school was Our Lady Help of Christians School.
Yep! The banner was printed as Our Lady Help of Christian's.
Back in the days when nuns were teaching in the schools, someone would have gotten a good whack on the knuckles for that one!
It's not a mistake if you plan on letting him
do that every night. Believe me I know. We've had several dogs over the years and every single time we've given in and let them on the furniture or bed just one time - they take it as a sign that they are welcome there all the time. Now we have 3 LARGE dogs who think they need to sleep in our bed every night. :)
and he should respect her the same way
by not giving her a hard time for going to church. It has to work both ways, or marriage simply cannot work at all. What a difficult decision, I hope it works out for them.
With all due respect ...
to you, children *deserve* food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education/instruction and LOVE. Anything else is out of the goodness of their parents' hearts and what the parents can afford. This sense of entitlement is why so many children are growing up spoiled, self-centered and unappreciative.
No respect for new name...
I have a friend who decided several years ago to change his name. His family knows his name (not far from his old as say used to be Michael and wants a shortened version say Mike.) The problem is his family does not honor his wishes to be called his new name and refers to him in the old name. Here recently he had an aunt out of town who died and my friend's brother was getting some flowers to be delivered to the funeral. The friend said be sure and use my name, the other one and the brother would not, saying no everyone knows you by your other name and the friend let that go through. I have told the friend he needs to take a stance on this but how would someone else handle this? His name change took place over 10 years ago and still they do not honor this. Any suggestions?
respect is
x
With respect . . .
Having grown up in a devote Catholic family, and forced to go to Catholic school all my life many, many years ago I have studied many, many religions in my search for Truth. Even as a small, small child, I could not buy the teachings of the Catholic Church. It is an organization bent on interpretation of Christ's teachings, run by men, and a control tool for the public, especially women. The idea that the Catholic Church is the one true church is ridicuous. Again, the key word here is its interpretation. Interpretation is going to be different to different people and different cultures. The Catholic Church was the greatest proponent of reincarnation until the 15th century when St. Augstine thought it afforded mankind too ample a time for salvation. It was a mystical powerful church, but felt that imparting sacred mystical teachings was only for the select few at the top, not their lowly congregations. It plundered and slaughtered thousands of humans to convert them. But then so have many other religions in the name of God. This is the problem with any organized religion. Don't get me wrong, there are many fine Catholics, and many fine people who believe in it. There is but ONE sacred bond that involves onto two sides, you and God. Nothing could be more sacred. You do not need an organization for that. It is a sacred private matter, just you and God. No one else. No one needs to belive or follow an organization, or think that the only way to God is through that organization. That is ridiculous, and a means of control.
Not really about respect for yourself always (sm)
Getting over caring what everyone else thinks about you is a major milestone in life. Wonderfully freeing. I wear shirts that are too tight sometimes because like I said, I can't afford to replace everything at once and am hoping to lose the weight and not need to replace everything. Meanwhile, I do have some things to get dressed up in for those times that I do care how I look. But on a daily basis, I really don't care what anyone else thinks.
oops, I repeated that last part by mistake..xx
x
In my opinion - your first mistake is letting your son live with her sm
and you having "no say about it". Huh! You are his mother aren't you?
Not trying to be rude, I most certainly would not have any of my kids living with an "ex- anything" and only living with me. 15 and the teens for that matter are very tender ages and need their parents guidance in all aspects of their lives.
I have a 15 year old and 17 year old, both very athletic, and neither would live with a family member or ex-family member just for a sport.
Believe it or not - sports are not everything, but academic achieves are. We are in the hunt for colleges as my 17 y/o is a senior in high school. Guess what, they don't care if they play sports - they want their GPA, rigor of their courses and their grades, as well as SAT scores. Even if a scholarship is offered, in my case, football, they still need to meet requirements.
So, I would re-think the teen's living arrangements if I were his mother.
Sorry, I wasn't posting to you. Excuse the mistake.
ff
I'm with you - we made the mistake of become friends with neighbors
but after a short while, when i'd get home from my day job, I'd call across the street and invite her (her husband works a LOT) and her kids over to swim with us before I'd fix dinner and then log in for MQ. We'd wait and wait and then she'd never show up. I'd call back over and she'd say the boys were asleep (it was 5:00 in the evening and the boys were 5 at the time - don't think they were asleep). The straw that broke the camel's back for us was the time they invited us all over for dinner. I tried calling her the morning of to see what we needed to bring so I could run to the store. I got no answer so I went across the street and rang the doorbell -no answer. The time came for dinner (the time that SHE designated) so we went across the street and rang the doorbell. I could hear the kids inside but they never came to the door. I was SOOOO mad - and then had to cook dinner for my family at the last minute. Several months later, I was in my front yard gardening and she came across the street with a half-hearted apology after saying that her husband told her to come over there. She admitted they were home and that they just didn't feel like company that night. BURNED me up!! They are welcome to come over swimming or whatever but we no longer invite them - for anything and no longer accept any of their invitations. It's kind of sad actually because our kids are in the same class together this year - weird!!!
I think you are making a mistake and son will eventually resent you for that (sm)
He should at least get a chance and not be held accountable for something someone else did. It is definitely very unfair to him.
You mistake the visible appearance for the inner reality. sm
The old "ball of cells" theory doesn't wash unless you would care to start at 9 months and work your way backward day by day and tell me on what day the line of demarcation is crossed and how you arrive at that conclusion. The process of development is continuous, unbroken, and has only one fate - a human fate. There is no point that you can identify at which the developing embryo becomes "a person".
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