need some insight into son's behavior
Posted By: flabbergasted on 2009-03-25
In Reply to:
I wonder if anybody has any insight into my son's behavior and performance in school. His dad and I have talked until we are blue in the face and we have also left him alone and have given him space regarding his grades. Neither causes any change. He just keeps telling us he doesn't care about high school and that it does not matter. He has no respect for the teachers (not many of them take teaching very seriously, in all honesty, so I can't much blame him for that) and he doesn't feel like he should try since they don't.
This is a kid who scores in the 98 to 99th percentile on standardized testing. He is SO smart, friendly, outgoing, quick-witted, and for the most part respectful. He doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs. He plays guitar in the praise band at church. He is a good kid, but he just refuses to do his school work.
This has been a struggle for the past 4 years of high school. He is supposed to graduate in May, but the last 9 weeks report card came today and he got 2 F's, a D and a C. The 2 F's were gimme classes, believe it or not. If he doesn't bring those up to average a passing grade he won't graduate. It makes me sad, confused, frustrated beyond belief, worried, just to name a few emotions.
He says he thinks he has ADD but I think he just WANTS to have it so he can have a pass, so to speak. I think it could be some deeper problem, like our family dynamics, playing a role. Does anybody have any ideas on how this boy can be inspired to rise to meet even the smallest challenge?
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Just a little insight --
I quit writing in my diary when the real stuff started happening. I don't think my mom ever read my diary, but when I started dating, I quit writing. I figured a paper trail probably wasn't a good idea. I did, however, keep a box full of love letters that probably would have given a very accurate timeline of my romantic escapades.
As for your situation, it sounds like you know your daughter pretty well. Just watch her mood swings, etc, for signs. You'll know when -- my mom definitely knew.
Some insight
The information provided about the time-consuming paperwork, etc. probably should be a hint to the rest of us that those people who choose that way of life rather than work have reasons other than laziness for living that way.
Kind of reinforces in my mind that our society needs to do so many things differently and realize there are even more important things to be taught than math, reading, and science.
Bless you for having to raise 6 kids! :)
i appreciate your insight
im glad you pointed that out... it is about him for sure, i like that he is enjoying himself.
i suppose i just hear so much about 'GREAT' sex... i just feel like that part im missing out on, even if he is not?
when i said i dont physically respond, i didnt mean i dont act like im enjoying it (and sometimes i am enough)... i meant... like the actual ... i dont really want to be graphic, so i just meant i dont physically get excited... like what happens when you are being sexual. sorry to be like a little kid, i just dont want to sound dirty!
yes i have thought about seeing someone... didnt know if that sounded dumb :(
so thank you
Thank you for your wonderful insight
I'm just sorry that it's coming from personal experience. So much of what you say does sound like my son. I have definitely zoomed in on the impulsivity of his actions. I had brought that up to the child psychologist and he said that it's something to watch to see if he grows out of it. I'm not expecting that to happen. I manage the best I can and it's from day to day. When we go places, sometimes its good and sometimes not. It seems when we all go together, it doesn't go as well. I'm guessing because he's not getting as much of the attention as he would like.
I'm curious how you feel about the injury your son is doing to his siblings. I feel so guilty and sorry for my son's actions towards my other children, but how do you deal with that? I don't want him taken away from us or locked up, but yet I know I need to protect my other children. He doesn't act out all the time. In fact, this week is the worst he's been all summer.
No alkies on either side of the family (thank heavens for small blessings). Although, I do believe there is some bipolar or other type of mental illness on my side of the family (aunts, cousins). I got some real kooks for relatives. I've mentioned this to the child psychologist also, but he doesn't seem overly concerned about my son's actions. He almost acts like it's something he will outgrow or something that can be changed through behavior modification. I'm not that optimistic. I personally think it's just my child's temperament. He's always been difficult, even as an infant.
Well, I can't deal with this anymore tonight. I'm off to bed. My son is having a sleepover at his great-grandma's tonight and I'm sure he'll be fine. She says she "don't take his sh!t and he knows it" I wish he felt that way about me. At least I can count on a peaceful morning tomorrow! Thanks again for letting me know I'm not the only one. It helps more than you can imagine.
Thanks for your insight I hope he continues to - sm
get better and has no lasting liver damage. I will just have to keep an eye on him and if I see worsening (i.e. jaundice), get his butt kicking and screaming to the doctor.
Thanks for your insight when buying a house
I wondered that too if all the houses gone up that much. I know they did some remodeling since they bought it 5 years ago but we have done some remodeling in this house too (same kind of remodeling) but I won't dare think it would sell for 66% above what we originally paided for it.
Than again, I would have to get an expert to come through here and tell me what they think it might sell for. I have not a clue. 
My gut feeling tells me that they need to come down. I saw the new house they were moving too. It is a huge, two story, maybe $300K home. DH and I think they have jacked up the price on this other home in order to help pay for the one they are in now.
Then other things would have to factor in like property taxes, cost of utilities which I know all that would be more than what we are paying now for this little house we are in now. "sigh" Oh well, maybe one day we will have something bigger.
Older lady here, some insight maybe
I have a friend whose situation is 100% like yours. She does not care for her husband, tells others she doesn’t and is so turned off by any actions he takes such as the dirty talking, the fondling (which she says gropping), etc. I have heard this before from her as you are talking about. My friend also wants to withhold sex like you, tells me her hubby is complete turnoff. On the other hand, I am so much in love with my husband and he talks dirty and loving at the same time and I love it. If he wants to hug, kiss, whatever, I am right on the same page with him. He is probably the dirtist talking man I have ever met and love that also. No one else would ever believe me because he is very shy and quiet around others. I feel your situation is a direct result of how you are feeling towards your husband in the first place. If you truly loved him, I do not think his actions would be that repulsive to you. Probably if you could and wanted to salvage this relationship, starting with marital therapy might work but do you really want this? I see you and he as being in a standoff and that is not a good thing for any marriage.
I think I'm going crazy - need some insight (long)
Okay so I have been dealing with this issue for awhile, and I need some opinions, ideas, anything to verify that i'm really not crazy...
I feel like I have two sides. I've been married for two years, and I love my husband and know I'd be devastated without him. I love our little house and our circle of friends and everything that comes with married life. We are young at 23 and 26, but I've never been bothered by that.
But, there is another side of me that drives me crazy. It's the side that tells me to run for the hills, that this is as good as it gets, that from here on out life deteriorates. I don't know if I'm just freaking out because I realize I'm not getting younger or what. My parents never had a good marriage (they were divorced when I was 5) and they were married about the same time we were (except my dad was almost 15 years older than my mom).
I constantly feel like these two sides are battling it out. One minute I feel all wifey and considering kids and all dutiful housewife/MT, the next minute I'm freaking out just wanting to go grab a beer and party it up. Is this normal at my age? Is there something wrong with me?
My husband still enjoys going out every now and then, but not like we used to when we first got together 5 years ago. I think he's starting to want to settle down, and maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't know if I'm ready to just fall into a routine. I always thought life would turn out to so much more than that. I always thought my life would be exciting, spontaneous, filled with adrenaline rushes, etc.
On the other hand I absolutely love the commitment and safety I feel and have with my husband. I love knowing that the boy I fell in love with is my man for life (hopefully!).
Any thoughts would be great. I really worry myself sometimes. I really get tired of this constant back and forth in my head, and I feel like one of them has got to win soon or I'm really going to go crazy! I just don' t want to make any rash decisions that I would regret for the rest of my life!
Well at least it feels better to get it all out...
TIA
To all you single woman, can some give me some insight? sm
i have recently ran my husband off after 16 years of abuse, alcoholism, and addictions. i have 4 kiddos by this man and have stood by him and tried to help him to no avail. it has been like another child to raise, not a partner. so it has been two weeks now and i am lonely, don't know why cuz at least i am don't have to listen to his *itching 24/7. everytime we do talk, it ends in arguing. my point is i want to stay single. i am not interested in anyone else, but am lonely. i have always been one to have a boyfriend or be attached. i don't know if it stems for insecurity or what. how do you get over those attachments and move on being happily single and raising kiddos on your own? any suggestions?
Okay, girls, I need some insight here on a personal level. (sm)
I have not had a man in my life for the past 3.5 years. I have tried dating and get asked out all the time, but just no interest in the ones doing the asking I guess. I have a very comfortable life and truly am in no need for a man to take care of me. However, I have known this one particular man for over a year and just very recently our friendship seems to be heading to a different level and for the first time I am very attracted to him. So, the other day he e-mailed me and both of us came clean on our feelings. The problem is that he has had his present girlfriend for the past 7 years...they do not live together and really spend little time together, as their lives are significantly different and when asked why he simply states "it just isn't working out and that he could make more time to see her, but he doesn't"
Okay, so now I know I am going to get flamed, but where do you think it goes from here? Both him and I have a seminar to attend with another man in 2 weeks and will also be staying at the same hotel, etc. and I am just so confused as to how I go about keeping my distance but still wanting him. What to do, what to do......this has been on my mind all day and so has he and I am so not use to these feelings at all....like high school all over again.
It seems to me the key here is whether this behavior sm
is a change from his previous actions, or whether he was always like this and is getting worse. If the latter, your marriage doesn't sound like it's worth working on, not just because of his behavior (which would be repulsive to me), but because you obviously don't have any positive feelings for him anymore. As a member of a strong Christian church which also advocates that the man is the head of the family, this kind of behavior would be completely unacceptable. Men are to treat their wives with respect and understanding.
If it is a change from his behavior when you were first married, he may have a serious medical or emotional problem. If so, and he doesn't get help, things may just get worse. Good luck to you.
Odd cat behavior
Does anyone know why my female cat would meow/cry loudly almost as if in distress when I use the oven? It's really starting to freak me out, like maybe it is going to blow up or something and she's trying to warn me. It seems to be working fine as far as I can tell and this has been going on a while now. Any ideas?
Bad Behavior
Apparently it was Megan's brother who was heckling Kara the night before and yelled out "broken record". Kara went up to him after and confronted him two different times. Megan seemed to get a big ego rather quickly. I think her mood came down to a screeching hault when Simon said they weren't even going to bother letting her sing again. Someday she is going to look back and cringe at that spectacle
Bad behavior............. sm
It has been said that people will treat us as badly as we allow them. Don't believe yourself to be unworthy of good treatment because that would only set the relationship up for more bad or possibly worse treatment in the future. Hold out for someone who treats you well and treasures the opportunity to be in your company. He is out there and he is the one who is worthy of your time.
From the behavior you describe... sm
And the fact that you said he's old, it sounds to me like this guy is senile or has other mental problems going on. BUT, I think it would be a mistake to assume he isn't dangerous just because he's a little old guy who seems a little off. I also think you should notify the local police about him. He might be a danger to himself, if not others. If nothing else, he's a nuisance and should be reported.
I'm also someone who has all doors and windows locked at all times, and I don't open the door to strangers. Sometimes I do feel like I'm a little bit paranoid, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I also have the car doors locked when I'm driving anywhere.
I'm amazed that anyone leaves doors and/or windows unlocked, but I know it happens. My mother-in-law and father-in-law, for example? OMG. They never lock their doors! They live in a small mobile home park for seniors, in a small-ish town, and my MIL feels like it's safe. What really kills me is, she doesn't lock their doors at night, and she takes out her hearing aids to sleep, so she wouldn't even hear anything if someone did come in their home at night! She says "Oh we have great neighbors. Everyone watches out for each other." What?! Crazy. And this is a woman who loves to read true crime novels and watches court TV and knows about the things that can happen. She worked as a legal secretary for decades and is very intelligent in all areas but this one. I just can't understand it. They don't live near us, but when we go to visit, I go around and lock all the doors at night. Otherwise, I'd never get to sleep!
As a side note, there is an excellent book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker. I highly, highly recommend it to all women. Get a copy today! I also like a show on the Discovery Channel called 'It Takes a Thief.' It's very enlightening about just how easy it is for criminals to break into most homes.
That's my 2 cents. Stay safe, ladies! :o)
And again, she cannot change his behavior, only hers
will not back down on that one. Lots of reason for divorce. Staying because of the children is an absolute wrong way to work at a marriage. She finds him disgusting, surely the children notice or they will when they age a little. I would not care if I had 10 children hanging onto my apron strings, would not want to stay somewhere that I am so unhappy I ask outsiders what they would do. My mother divorced in a time when no parents divorcing, believe it or not, and when I went to elementary school I was asked why no daddy. I turned out well, felt it had no adverse effect on me. Saw him, didn’t see him, ?? Really loved my stepmom though. He did do a good thing right in his life by bringing her into it.
There is also the behavior issue of (sm)
submissive piddling.
You can buy something called a Belly Band for him to wear in the house. If he dribbles with it on, he gets himself wet, so this can teach him not to let that happen. I've just heard that not all pet stores call it a Belly Band or know what that is, but you can Google something like house training, canine belly band, and you can read about it and maybe order on line.
Corgis are so cute. You can post pictures here on the gab board.
Behavior changes in husband
I have searched the internet for some clues to what is described below but not even sure what key words to enter in a search.
Anyway, husband is 46 and exceedingly fit and athletic his whole life. Behaviorally and genetically he is prone to accentuated mood highs and lows, not quite bipolar probably but close. Runs heavily in his family. He tends toward aggression, bullying and denial at times. Childish at times, even naive, very literal even though highly educated. All the above has been increased by about double (particularly the childishness in behavior and decision-making) in the past year and it is nearly intolerable. He often doesn't process what I say or else is just not listening to me. I have to repeat things over and over and worst of all, he makes poor decisions about things and I often feel like I'm living with an 8-year-old. I am stressed on an almost constant basis. Alzheimer's came to mind but couldn't find anything that really fit in looking at symptoms. Is there the possibility of mental illness manifesting itself at this age?
behavior problems
We have had and still have behavior problems with our son and he is ADHD, have you had your child tested? He also has ODD, which stands for oppisitional definance disorder. He sees a therapist on a regular basis and it has helped tremendously with his behavior.Your school psychologist is not very good or qualified if he has not referred you to any outside help. Your pediatrician should be able to help you out and point you in the right direction.
Terrier behavior sm
We had a part terrier (not pit bull) who destroyed everything in sight when we left her, sailed over a 6-foot fence, took clothes and glasses and buried them in the ground, etc. She literally was a "goat" and the payoff was when she ate the living room couch when I had 20 people coming over and it was Christmas Eve. When I called the shelter they told me that if I brought her there and she did that with someone else, they would have kept bringing her back and she would eventually be euthanized. Sixteen years and a lot of furniture later, she finally died of old age. When she was 10, she began to get a little better, but we put up with an awful lot. I have talked to others who have had "terrier" type dogs who did crazy things when left alone. I don't think the dog will change, but good luck. I have Uncle Matty videos, green apple spray (she liked it) and tons of self-help books for owners of dogs as mentioned. All I can say is good luck, you have to have patience, common sense and a sense of humor. I hope there's a reward somewhere for what we put up with as animal lovers but I did not have the heart to see this crazy, one-black eyed dog being put down, so I kept her and kept trying. She ate the shingles off the house, a brand new shed, a few couches, some kitchen cabinets, and the list goes on......it's true. Animal Lover here! You could buy a kong at the pet store and put peanut butter in it (or several) to keep the dog busy for awhile, but when that's empty, expect the next best thing to disappear.
Kids behavior
How a child acts at home is not an indicator of how he/she acts when away from home and parents, no matter what is taught in the home. It is always good to get the whole scoop from others who were there exactly what happened before you go off on anybody. It just could be that the other mom is sitting there angry because of what your child might have done to her child that she might have felt the need to defend herself against. I learned this from experience. I thought I had the perfect angel also, raised with good morals, two-parent home, involved in church, no bad behavior at home, but found out I was dead wrong when watching a video from the school (also a private grade school). Just something to think about.
Regardless of her ridiculous behavior,
she sang horribly & was annoying to watch perform. No great loss...
And her behavior is just despicable, you are right
to be angry.
Who needs 'friends' like that?
Dump her!
Is this new behavior or just increased lately? sm
If it is not new, then I agree with the posters below. However, if this is something new, see if there are any changes in his diet or medications if he is on any. I've posted about this before, but my son (who will be 8 in a couple of weeks) went from a typical 7-year-old to an out-and-out tyrant when he was placed on Singulair for asthma. Everything was an argument, even things he normally liked, and if he did not get his way, watch out. He had nightmares and barely slept, was hearing voices, and told me several times he wished he had never been born. I cried every day and was 1 day away from an appointment with a behavior specialist when we figured out it was the medication causing the problem. We still say he should be a lawyer when he grows up because he is always trying to figure out loopholes in the rules, but overall he is a good kid who is now happy without any of the issues he had while on Singulair.
OMG - that is eerily similar to my cat's behavior
although he always drank out of the sink - he has pretty much begun living in the bathroom and yelling. I keep going in to see if the faucet is dripping (yes I have to leave a faucet dripping) and it is. He is more loving and requires more attention. When my daughter goes in to take a shower he yells outside the door like he is dying. I will say that I know that crystals forming sometimes indicates antifreeze ingestion - but there is no way your cat could have survived that. Thanks for the info. Maybe there is hope. He is eating now - with some coaxing.
No, but change in behavior might cause me to look for MySpace or other
s
Sweet. Very kittenish behavior.
Bet he'd have drooled on her if she'd have scratched his head. But the love bites might have hurt, LOL.
husband's behavior due to porn, LOL
His behavior is NOT due to porn. If his behavior is so bad it is due to HIM...nothing evil caused him to be this way, just him and his choices.
I don't get what's so wrong with porn? If consenting adults are in it and consulting adults are viewing it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It does not mean the person looking at it is a deviant. Geez...some of you people have some serious hang ups with sex and sexuality.
Try to loosen up a little ladies, maybe life would be a little more fun.
Old enough when I see immaturity and child-like behavior
Poor things.
Older cat's behavior- confusing me
My older girl says nothing, usually but today she is being very vocal, not like she is in pain but just sounding off. She has lost weight but gained 1/2 lb when I weighed her yesterday in 2 weeks (on medication for her appetite) but seems to be roaming so to speak, constantly walking around (usually sleeping) and wanting all attention from me and that is not usual for her. She seems to be pacing back and forth so to speak. Anyone have cat that theirs acted like this?
When my son was in second grade he had behavior issues (sm)
I know many may not agree with me, but I believe positive reinforcement for good behavior and negative consequences for bad behavior works. Every week our school sends home a folder with the child's "grades" for the week in schoolwork and behavior, with 4 being the best (pretty much unattainable for my son!) 3 being good, 2 being so-so, and 1 being really bad. I put him on an allowance schedule with chores he had to do with a certain allowance each week. HOWEVER his grades in his folder would greatly influence this allowance. Gettings 3s would keep his allowance the same, getting a 2 automatically took off $2 (he never got a one but that would have taken his whole $5 allowance). If he ever got a 4 he would get an additional $2. This worked really really well for him, but all children are different. Good luck!
i see it as a human behavior post.
x
You agree with her childish behavior?
I thought immature, totally out of character for a supposed-to-be-grown mother to boot and totally a turn-off for me and my family. I am so glad she is off there. I would hate to see her in any way rise to be the example of what an American Idol should be. Good riddance!
You are only responsible for changing your behavior, not someone elses
I am the product of a divorce years and years ago and thank goodness my mother had enough sense to not stay with my father. He was actually caught running around on her with other women. I knew my father growing up, spent time with he and my stepmom, loved her but I missed absolutely nothing by not having him in my house every day. You are responsible for your own self-. The advice you are giving is like saying a man messes around on a woman, drinks too much and maybe after the marriage he will change. You can only make yourself happy, no one else can do that for you. I have never had a time when I could not stand my husband, never and I would believe he probably feels the same. We laugh when others say they have to work at marriage- we just do not get this. Like I said, product of divorce, happily married myself, never missed my father, saw him but never, ever close in my life. By the way, I am one of the older and wiser group also.
Research passive-aggressive behavior. (sm)
Do you feel you are always at emotional crossroads and everything you decide to do together is handled like warring nations, not like loving partners?
Living with a passive-aggressive behavior spouse creates a daily emotional roller coaster. One is "stressed on an almost constant basis" and feel as if caring for an unresponsible teenager.
The passive-aggressive personality pretend not to listen, "forget on purpose," and purposefully do not complete tasks they agree to accomplish. Sullenness is also a characteristic of the behavior. The passsive-aggressive behavior can "rob" another one from a beautiful relationship. They cannot always see themselves and have a tendency to blame others (especially spouse) for their behavior. They sometimes display "revenge."
To rule out other serious medical conditions, encourage your husband to schedule an appointment with his primary care physician for "preventive care" only, letting him think nothing is wrong. The physician should order lab testing, and ask for thyroid function studies, etc.
Wishing you the best!!
weight gain and antisocial behavior
Has anyone else noticed that this job tends to make you gain lots of weight and become pretty antisocial? I feel like I am just sitting here watching the pounds add up daily... I do not want to get dressed and leave my house - If I do get dressed, I come straight back home to put on my comfy clothes and sit my butt in this chair all day long. I moved to a new town 3 years ago and still have not met a soul because I am in my office by myself all day long with no source of networking to make friends. It has become a pretty lonely life for me.
I am even to the point of going to the local outlets and applying for a minimum wage job just to have a reason to have to get up and put clothes on and get out of the house every day. I don't know what else to do - am at wits end here!
I think what you are experiencing is all normal teen behavior. sm
I can't think of anyone that I hung around with in my teens that didn't run away. Trust me ---- they ALWAYS COME BACK.
So you can pinpoint her behavior change. What is her history before she came to you? nm
nm
Puppy mills are bad, but bad behavior ususaly result of
asdf
If the child gets lethargic, then please go see the doctor. If behavior is normal,
s
7-year-old with behavior problems at school inquiry...sm
Our 7-year-old has problems with peer relations, has always had this and it's getting worse. She is a moody child and comes on too strongly with her peers which is why she doesn't have but 1 friend.
We're now having increasing problems with her talking back to the teachers at school when she's redirected for not doing as she's supposed to be doing in class. We've had problems with both of these issues with her in the past but it was better last year when she was in a smaller classroom setting. Now she's in a class with 25 kids and the problems are worse than ever. Sigh.
We've tried role playing with her on how to respond to her peers appropriately. She's been given everything from rewards for good behavior to restrictions for not behaving, but the problems continue. The school psychologist has put her into a group of kids that have a hard time with peers once a week to help with the socialization skills.
Anyone else deal with this and if so, what strategies did you use to overcome this? I'm more concerned about her negative responses to the teachers than anything. We're not having problems with her behaving at home - it's only at school. Any suggestions will be greatly welcome!
When she does something good, PRAISE HER. Reinforce positive behavior with rewards.
Lighten up, Mom. This is your child, whom you unconditionally love. Maybe you need Nanny 911 or Super Nanny who seem to be able to see under currents of passive agressive behaviors in parents when it comes to their challenging children. This may be your fight as much as your daughters. I say this because you are so dependent on getting others to be on your side.
American or Asian Indian? Culture difference might explain his odd behavior.
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