more advice - you'll be no good to those kids if
Posted By: if you lose your sanity....sm on 2007-02-12
In Reply to: Been to counselling - Exhausted.
I was there - for 12 years - and my sanity was going - married to a passive-aggressive (oh and there are female passive-aggressives out there too *hint hint - his MIL*).....and I couldn't take it - when my child was 7.....and by 9, I cared more at that moment about what I was feeling (brink of possible loss of sanity/stability in myself) - and I chose to save myself - I, once again in life, became my own hero (I did the same at 17-18 when I chose to leave a shaky home)....I knew that I'd be an even BETTER mom if I didn't have him draining on me - and so it became!! My offspring is nearly 27 and turned out great (no thanks to the DH and my D there isn't for DEAR but lots of other D's).....
Save yourself or your children will NOT be getting your absolute BEST.....
best of luck to you sincerely!!!
Signed: Better to raise kids in a happy divorced family/house than a miserably married one......
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Need advice on a good, adjustable chair for typing. Any advice? nm
nm
I'll be gladly judged for!!! I STAND UP FOR MY KIDS!!
NM
Very good advice
In addition, get out of the situation now, and don't even consider going back until he has been sober at least a year. He won't change until he is ready to. There is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - that you can do about that, except say, "Honey, I love you, but I can't live with you while you're drinking. When you get clean and sober, we'll talk."
Don't worry about what your coworkers think of you, or even what friends and family think. This is YOUR life, and you have to deal with it as you see fit. They are not walking in your shoes. They don't know what you are going through. By staying an "enabling" your husband to continue in his present behavior, you are doint the wrong thing for you and for him. By leaving, you will at least get yourself out of the situation, and hopefully once your husband figures out you're really not coming back, it will be enough of a shock for him to rethink what he is doing with his life.
But regardless - GET OUT, as soon as possible. Yes, you will be lonely. Yes, you will be sad. But it is the RIGHT thing to do.
Hang in there and best of luck to you.
Good advice
Yours is the best advice I have seen so far. If it is not critical (and hopefully she knows if it is or isn't) maybe she can just save a little money in case it gets critical and she needs to move her teepee to a new village. I think what I read about the church guy is scary (he sounds like a creep) and her husband even scarier. Blocking the door is a form of control, but is subtle in comparison to some forms of control. Having known women who have been severely injured and worse because they kept going back or remaining in a marriage that endangered their wellbeing, I think she needs to seriously address this problem for her sake and the sake of her children and she needs professional help and assistance in doing this. They can help her assess her individual situation and any lethal behavior issues. I wish her good luck and I hope she takes your advice first, just in case, while she pursues her options.
That is good advice, but may I also add...
There is a government-sponsored (I think) credit counseling system that will help you for free. I am not sure what it is called, but I am sure you could Google it. It is legit. I had a family friend who was way behind and used a company that he paid. As the other poster said, they just paid all his bills as a lump sum and they kept paying them late as a lump sum or not paying them at all. So, I suggest the free one...worth a try anyway.
Good luck!
Good advice! nm
xx
Thanks - good advice - sm
I am being very careful - he knows nothing about me - not even my real name is on my email address. I will not allow him to contact me by phone or any way other than through this anonymous email address. I had not thought about the fact that he might be lying!! I had thought about him being mentally ill or at least not in a normal state of mind presently. But I will not under any circumstances give him any info about myself. thanks for the reminder
Good advice! sm
Thanks! 
Thank you so much for the good advice.
Something we have not discussed is the committment one takes on with a pet. I know she feels like I do, that pets are "kids" and treated as a true family member. I think that might be the key that will fit in this scenario. She brings up these discussions as "news" of his condition arises, not me pushing it on her.
She did have to make this decision with a childhood pet and it was not a difficult decision for my mom, but that was before her other losses. I feel that this is more about her feelings than the dog. Thank you for recognizing that this is not about me wanting to push her into a decision but it is about wanting to help her through what I know is a difficult decision and the loss after but something that is inevitably coming. I have offered to come and do it for her or with her and my sister has done the same.
Thank you for the advice anon. Hopefully after the holidays pass I will have another opportunity to discuss this with her and approach it in this manner.
Very good advice -
When I picked her up from school today, she made it a point to tell her father and me how grateful she is that we have always worked at home so she's felt safe. She also said she spent first period crying this morning because her friend's father had cried in front of her friend for the first time in her life. It's such a tough time.
That is good advice, but we tried
that last year. I mentioned below about my son with Asperger's being bullied at school. We asked for my husband and me to be able to take turns going to school with him until he could work his way out of the EBD class he had been inappropriately placed in (this was part of the bullying of us by the school that I mentioned). The Assistant Principal of Special Education would not allow us to do that. She said it would be too much of a distraction to the other students. I think that, at least in part, they are trying to keep a parent from babying their children too much, which may be appropriate in some situations, but in ours, where my son was being bullied in a classroom of emotionally and behaviorally disordered children and the teachers were doing nothing, I think we should have been allowed to attend with him and I think her excuse was just that, an excuse. These children, to our understanding, would be in general education classes but for some outside influence (divorce, poor family situation, death of someone close to them, etc.) that has caused them to begin "acting out" and behaving badly. They saw my son's reactions to their taunting, and it made it all the more fun to taunt him. The way the class was structured, it would have taken 25 consecutive positive school days to get out of the class, and we were willing to use all of my husband's paid time off and I would have worked at night or whatever it took, but they just would not allow us to go to school with them. We really were at their mercy, and they had none.
thanks for all the good advice...
I didn't know that about financing the land. Guess I figured I could get a 30 year mortgage. It is getting very hard to even get a loan now for a house plus I too have a house that will be hard to sell. Unemployment in our little town is about 18 percent and getting worse daily it seems. Good advice too about the high speed internet. I see a lot of satellite dishes on the homes already built in the area.
Thank you for all of the good advice...
It means a lot. I will pass all of the information on to her. I feel a little helpless as I live over 7 hours away from her. I felt horrible when my Mom called and told me my sister's fiance might not make it. He is only 29. They are way too young to have to go through this. I am hoping his family will be supportive. Part of the reason I had no problem moving away is our parents were never very supportive. Although they weren't alcoholics, my sister has always ended up getting involved with someone who was.
My sister and I have different fathers and were both raised by our Mom and her Dad (my stepdad). My Dad, who was an alcoholic, only contacted me when he was clean for quite a while. He said it was his close brush with death that made him turn things around and want to get to know me. I was 21 at the time he contacted me, and I was 26 when he passed. I was really happy and proud that he was able to turn his life around. While he always worked, he was eventually able to buy a nice house, but sadly he only was able to enjoy everything for a short time. Everyday I wish he could be here because after I got to know him, he was always there for me. It might sound mean to the parents who raised me, but my Dad actually helped me more and was more supportive than my parents ever were.
Well, time to go back to work. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice. I'll let you know how everything goes. I guess he had a liver biopsy today. I don't really know her fiance very well as she became involved with him after I moved away, but something that has crossed my mind is I am afraid of how he might be when she won't run to the store for him anymore to get his gin or whatever else. I told her if that happens to make sure she leaves. I have never dated an alcoholic, but I have always ended up in abusive relationships, and I'm afraid that hers might turn this way, also.
Good advice - second opinion
Getting a non-military second opinion is a good piece of advice. Ask the docs or nurses at your infirmary or base hospital who they would go to or send their spouse to and make the appointment and go to them. She could have a-fib as well and feel like a dish rag. Godalmighty, everyone wants to cut!!
Good advice. Wish we could trust everyone. . . NM
xx
Good advice. As my sister says sm
Why is it some people think their dogs are just oddly shaped humans?
We had a lab cross puppy from about 7 weeks to about 4 months. My daughter just brought her home one day and we knew we weren't going to keep her because we are moving in a few months. We did take the time to crate train her, potty train her, etc., etc. With a lot of patience a ton of praise, yet a firm voice and boundaries, she turned out to be great pup. She was pretty hyper, but listened well and was very eager to please and she needed constant supervision. We thought we finally found the perfect family for her. The first thing the new family told me, as they were leaving with her, was they thought it was cruel to crate the dog at night and told me they chose not to. Big red flag! :)
Three days after the family took her they called me and wanted me to take her back. I was accused of misleading them because the dog was not listening to them and was tearing their house apart and having accidents everywhere. They let her have free run of the house and then locked her in a small room while they went to work all day with nobody to check on her. I mean, what did they expect? I told them specifically what she was used to right down to what time she went to bed in her crate at night and what time I let her out in the morning and they went completely against everything I told them and couldn't understand why she was such a bad dog. And they only gave it THREE days! 
Very good advice, "tired". sm
I don't think I could be that good a person. I'd get rid of all of them and let that be that. :D
Good advice for your daughters.
Hi XXX: Read all your posts with Mom with girls. Basically I agree with most everything you say. I too took my daughter to Family Planning Clinic, where she was given BC pills. I told her the facts of life and warned her about consequences of getting pregnant or some diseases too. I left the decision up to her and the responsibility of taking the pills. She was 18 at that time and already graduated from high school, so legally an adult. She did become pregnant at 18 and went through pregnancy and gave birth, but not married. The father came along and helped with money to raise his child. They did have a stormy time of it, but now they are 31 and 30 with 3 more children. She was lucky because her husband is very responsible now, building contractor and very good father. he absolutely loves his children, so my daughter was very lucky. Of course we know that not all girls have a happy ending to their story.
All you can do as a mother is to support your children, give them guidance and proper moral standards that hopefully they will live by. I have really tried very hard to not be judgmental or to criticize when the problems came. I think that is probably the worse thing to do to your kids. After all we all make mistakes. Of course it is easier to give advice than the actual practicing of this advice. Whatever happens to your kids, try to stand by them and love them.
yes, this is good advice: It is cheaper to go to the
supermarket and buy the cheap stuff on sale, then plan what to cook and buy the additiional necessities.
Good point...I'll pay $10 only. :D :D nm
......
Some good advice, but mine is much simpler....
Stay away from the ones that have children!!! ; )
You ladies all know so much and give such good advice, that I will ask here. sm
My daughter's room has been painted and now the expensive custom made draperies that were in the room no longer "match" the room color. I wonder if there is a place I can take them to have then "painted" or dyed to match. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Very good advice. I stayed for the sake SM
of my daughter, until she finished high school. I don't regret it and I'm very happy now, but I'm older. Women today tend to end things and I honestly don't think that is especially bad.
Good advice, Southern Belle. nm
xx
A couple of days would be good - I'll take what I can get right now! Thanks(nm)
x
It's a good cry, though. I'll bet if hubby watches,
xx
Good Advice (new to board, so hope this is the right place)
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday.
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company. Maybe we should all take some of his advice!
1. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED".
2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.
3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!). You can add it if it is necessary but, if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc..
Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll-free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.
6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc. were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important of all (I never even thought to do this.).
7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.
Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., has been stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union : 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything.
If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone.
My heart goes out to you and your children - I wish I had some really good advice to give you; I
understand your situation. I remember as a child how my mom would exhibit similar behavior, especially when she did not get her "way". I will never forget how it made me feel, and to this day I personally despise those who use manipulative destructive behavior to get whatever they think they want from others. For the sake of your sanity and that of your children - please find the strength to get this man out of your life. Children are very perceptive, even when we are doing our level best to protect them from situations such as this. God has not forsaken you or your children and neither have the majority of us on this board. I don't want to come across as being sappy but even though I don't know you, I love you because you are my sister in the eyes of God, and I will be praying for you and your children. You are all your children have and you are much stronger than you realize. I wish you peace and prayer in this troubling time in your life.
Good morning ya'll! I have a story to share and need your help!! sm
A good friend of mine, Kathryn Bryant, from Columbus, GA, entered a “wish” contest sponsored by Pantene. She has been chosen as a runner up and was flown to California for a personal interview. Her wish is to create a program for disabled children that helps them feel accepted. Whether she wins or not is up to us because it’s based on the people’s choice. Pantene is one of the sponsors of the People’s Choice Awards and has posted Kathryn’s and two other ladies wishes on the www.pcavote.com website. Please use this link to go to the home page to view her video and watch her "Wish." And then VOTE FOR HER,PLEASE!
You will see the Pantene banner ad at the top of the page. Click on “pick the winning wish” and you will see her there.
As a friend of Kathryn, I felt compelled to get the word out on this. If you could help in any way,I would greatly appreciate it. She needs our votes. The kids need our votes!
OOh I hope she wins!
Good advice. In this economy, lay low. Sounds like a PT job may be in order to increase income. (
dd
Looking for small dog good with kids..sm
My husband and I are dog hunting and have decided to get a small dog (no bigger than a spaniel) that is good with kids (we don't have any children yet) and is not yappy or really hyper. Any ideas?
Thx
I read that for the younger kids, this is a good time
to explain to them that the characters they love on TV are just that "characters pretending" and they should look to parents, teachers, scout leaders, etc as role models. I am not saying you haven't done that, but I thought it was good advice for the young ones that are disappointed and don't understand.
Good advice was given here. Suggest vet check-up for kitty needs vet check. sm
I've had 2 females over the years who developed stones/crystals in urine or UTIs. Both of them started spraying inappropriately. Never had a female spray inappropriately other than in these instances. They go into spasm and can't help themselves. If it is a urinary problem, eventually you may see slight pink-tinged spray if it gets that far untreated due to the irritation from constantly trying to pee. One more thought is if the kitty is not sick, maybe the other cat won't let her use the litter box for some reason. Maybe set up another box for her.
thanks! :) I'll see if he'll ask some female friends SM
Thank you everyone! It has been great reading all of your responses! Goodnight!! "See" you all tomorrow!
Hugs,
Chickadee
It didn't work out due to combining of kids and step kids. nm
*
Nope, no kids with him, all of our kids are 20 and over.
I would think that some of the $12,000 A YEAR he paid in support for over 9 years should have been enough to save some for college. He paid his dues so to speak, always paid the support on time, had insurance for them, etc. He told them straight up to pay for their own college. Is there something wrong with that?
ESL kids have a label =$$$. When the illiterate kids get a label slapped on them - they will get a
Most public schools do not teach children to read with intensive phonics. It has nothing to do with class size IMHO. The method of reading instruction is what determines if the kids will learn to read or not.
Consider homeschooling her.
Each child represents a $ amount to public school administration. As long as the child attends they get their $. They still get X amount of $ for each year they teach or do not teach a kid to read.
Their compensation is not reduced when they produce illiterate adults.
Anyone have any good holiday dessert recipes? Looking for something good to take to a party. nm
x
What a good role model you are for good holiday spirit...wow nm
Awesome! Good service is good news.
nm
glad to see you look at it this way! Really good idea! Have a good season! nm
nm
Good Fences make good neighbors
You can get premade cedar fencing that comes in sections. You dig a post hole at the appropriate distance and fill with a bag of quick-crete. Alternatively, you could buy a used fence from a place that hauls away.
You could also get an electric fence, just hook to a battery and run the cord (for retraining purposes) it would not hurt your dogs.
I feel your pain. Roll up your sleeves and pray for some digging weather!
Re: Advice
I am a new mom to a beautiful baby girl. I didn't think I would mind going to work part-time. Well, I've been crying my self to sleep every night. I have my B.A. in Business Administration and have been in the banking industry for 6 years. I have been searching all over for a legitimate work at home opportunity. It seems like medical transcription is a great opportunity. I'd like advice from people who do this from home. I'd like to know where you got the training and what your first job was (since that seems to be a big issue). Also, will my B.A. help at all? I know employers like people with MT experience but I accquired other skills such as meticulous attention to detail that I know is needed. Any and all information is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Please see Main board for all transcription-related topics. This message has been moved to Main.
advice
I do have to say that unless you already have an "in" it is difficult to find a job. Most places won't hire you if you don't have at least two years experience but you can't get experience unless someone hires you. You don't necessarily have to get certified right away just take an accredited program that is specifically for medical transcription. Once your done with school just keep trying, don't give up and try to take your time and ace the preemployment tests. If you do really well some places will give you an offer even if you don't have experience. Take the first job you can get because even if it doesn't pay well you are still gaining experience and it will make it easier for you to get a new job.
Cat advice please....
I have a kitten who is appx. 7 months old. He refuses to eat any kind of cat food, canned, dry, dry mixed with canned, dry mixed with water, cat treats, etc. I have tried baby food, dog food, etc. He will only eat KMR weaning powder, which I mix with water. Have tried to mix food into it but he will not eat it. He tries to cover everything up like it should be in the cat box! No vet seems to concerned about this...he likes to eat chicken, people food chicken that is, and turkey. I am stumped.
This cat MUST learn to eat before May because I am going on vacation for 3-1/2 weeks...any suggestions for this problem? 
Thanks for the advice....sm
I will give each a try! I hate to leave him while on vacation, but have no other choice. And the only reason it is for so long is because I don't fly and my DH and I are driving cross country to see family...I'm sure he will be fine, but no kids at home anymore so they are my babies! It's nice to have people to bounce ideas off of!
I thank you all for your advice - I am
an animal lover, have 2 cats, 2 dogs. Love feeding the birds outside. I can't help feeling betrayed by these outside creatures that probably fill their bellies at my bird feeders and have now started war on my house. I guess I will start off with putting some Dcon in the attic - as much as I hate to kill them, I don't want my house chewed apart either. I just hope they don't die and rot someplace where I can smell them.
My cats were going crazy last night and spent much of the night gazing up at the ceiling in my bedroom with their mouths watering. I hope at least tonight the invader picks another part of the house to snack and dig so I can get some sleep.
Thanks again for the advice.
And Hayseed - I agree that Indian is a little un-PC, so are some of the ones with the smiley faces shooting at each other, but they're pretty funny (I guess unless you're Indian)!
Re: Looking for advice
Thanks, that was very helpful! I'm sorry about the info overload, I guess I just wasn't sure exactly where to begin asking. I think I'll just get the basic foot pedal, upgraded computer, headphones etc. and get some finanicing for the "extras" that may come up and take the plunge.
My advice to you is
Get yourself the book - think it is called Co-Dependent No More and get yourself to a support group ASAP - not sure what they are called - but if someone here does not tell you then call AA yourself and find out the name of the support group for spouses, family, etc. AND if you don't find a supportive support group - hunt around until you do - DO NOT GIVE UP. Help yourself to understand this disease/disorder and get help for yourself and then you can help him through this process also. Thank goodness you do not have children and good for you for asking for help. E-mail me if you want - lots of alcoholics in my family and would be glad to help you!! Take care. Will be praying for you.
This is THE best advice yet. I always will take on sm
10-year-old son's friends, especially when they say rude things. I'll say, "excuse me, what did you just say? Well, we do not talk like that in this house." And I promise you, they either stop coming around or they are VERY polite around me. If they do slip and say something rude they will immediately cover their mouths and say I'm sorry while looking at me. I do scare them a bit, I suppose. But I show them my authority and that I will not stand for that kind of nonsense and then they stop.
If they did that to me I would have immediately turned around and said, "what did you just say?" And then I'd tell a little white lie and say, "I know exactly who you 2 are" (and I'd say it so convincingly) and then say, "It looks like a call into your mother and father is in order today." Have a nice day, guys."
Thanks for the advice
I am assuming he did it sometime on Sunday. He came limping to the house on Monday morning and there was no sign of blood, no fresh blood or no old blood. It doesn't appear to be infected at all. Now that the flap is gone, I don't see any open areas at all. No swelling or redness and it is not touchy at all. He lets me manipulate it and even squeeze his paw so I don't think there is any infection there. I guess we are really bad - but no vets bills unless absolutely no other alternative!
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