first, quit the guilt
Posted By: sm on 2009-01-05
In Reply to: I am ashamed of doing this, but now how do I handle the information I found? - Snoopy
If you have been burned by someone repeatedly, and they still want you around, they have to be open to your verification to gain your trust. He doesn't respect you enough to get help and stick with it, as he has proven repeatedly, so why should he be surprised if you want reassurance of his activities. If he doesn't want to change, then there is nothing you can do to make him. You have to decide if it is really worth hanging on. Is life apart from him really that much worse than with him? I would advise you to see if there is anyone you can talk to who is an expert on addiction and those who live with addicts (you didn't say whether you have a counselor available or maybe a support group). FWIW, I've been there, and I would never give a man as many chances as you have. It is your life. Reclaim it for yourself!
My point is that the e-mail check is not what you should worry about. How his problems affect your life/sanity/sense of self is what you should focus on.
Good luck!
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please don't take on any guilt that someone--sm
else is trying to lay on you. You have enough to worry about without feeling guilty about a human reaction. First off, it was not your husband's fault for not taking the quad off the trailer. It was all your BIL responsibility once he took the vehicles to his property, to make sure they were safe. period. If they are reacting out of anger towards you now, it is because they feel the guilt of responsibility and it may end up costing them something in the future. They do not want to have to pay the consequences for their mistake...so...they are trying to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for blaming them for your loss. they can only do that if you allow them to. You are in the right. You are also within your rights to attempt to recover for you loss, whether it is family or not. Secondly, the disagreement you got into with your sister is on her shoulders. Heated emails or not, she came to your house, became confrontational with you, and ended up placing her hands on you in anger. Whether she hurt you or not, she aggressively assaulted you. If you let it go this time, just like in any abuse case, be it male or female, it just gives her an open door to do it again, maybe not to you, but to someone else. She feels she can get what she wants by physical means, and that is wrong. You say she and her husband have always been this way, by screwing people over, so they can get what they want, no matter what the consequences. They have apparently never been made to pay the consequences of their actions. They have never learned not to be selfish. Family or not, sister or not, you have the right and obligation to defend yourself, your person and your property, against a selfish onslaught. As I said previously, your sister and BIL would be knocking on your door wanting compensation for their property if it had been stolen from you. Situations are always different when the shoe is on the other foot. Thirdly, even though you love your nephew dearly, she is the parent. It is her responsibility to act in such a way *maturely* so that her *business* is not in jeopardy and she will not lose her job or her home because of it. It is her actions that caused any consequences that come from this. Not yours. She seems to be very good at turning anything she does wrong onto someone else, making it their fault. Do not let her guilt you into thinking you did this, because you did not.
As you said. The damage is done. You cannot undo it. You cannot change it. You did the right thing in protecting yourself from her physical assault. Whatever happens now is a result of her actions, not yours. If per chance this ever calms down, and it will in time, perhaps an amicable solution would be for them to pay HALF of the loss. That way both parties take responsibility. That is just a suggestion. But please, please, do not take on the guilt she is trying to get you to take. Stay strong. Family or not, she had no right to inflict anything on you physically. Just remember that. Abuse is abuse whether you are hurt or not. Trust me on that. I have been there. I wish you all the best!
You ever think it may be guilt that has - sm
kept him from contacting her? People tend to sweep under the rug what they feel bad about, so maybe he swept his former life and child under the rug and cannot go back because he feels guilty of how he treated them. It does happen. Granted there are those who feel nothing and want nothing to do with their past "indiscretions", and are just horrible people to begin with. If it were me I'd get in touch, but with no expectations of becoming one happy family; basically for curiousity. My mom was adopted and on and off I have searched for her birth parents. She is dead now, and unless they are very, very old, her parents are dead too, but I may have some aunts and uncles I know nothing about as well as some cousins that I am still curious about and hope to one day meet. It took me a while but I got her birth certificate released via the courts when my mom was still alive and at least she died knowing her birthday really was her birthday (we had our doubts as her "parents" lied about so much) and the names of her parents, assuming they told the truth on the birth certificate, one never knows. Yes, her contacting her dad will ruffle some feathers but she has a right to contact him and should not let others stop her if she really wants to contact him just because they don't like the idea.
Guilt
Guilt is a major side effect of depression. Believe me, I know! I didn’t realize the extent of my depression until after I started treatment for it. Now that I am on the “other” side of the coin, I am much more aware of the symptoms and triggers. I, too, wondered why everything made me feel guilty, especially when no one really even tried to make me feel that way; I brought it on myself. For years, I kept asking myself why I was feeling that way and never came to a solid conclusion. Now that I am on medication, there was no real reason for my guilt other than I was depressed. I can honestly say that any guilt I feel right now is a normal healthy level, enough to help me remain considerate to others, but it is no longer a major part of my life. I feel like a slave who has been set free from bondage. I’ve learned that it’s okay to pamper myself and take care of some my own needs. However, I don’t think I could have ever done it on my own without the help of medication.
I would never put you on guilt trip for that
That little beast is a nervy ho!!!! The worst part of having kids is dealing with other kids and their parents. How DARE she do that? Use your computer? But I will say, this will be an ongoing war for eternity now with the mother.
Regardless, that doesn't take away his guilt sm
She didn't believe it then, but she does now. Better late than never. He is still guilty and people who are willing to do those types of things don't change. My point to Mrs. R is that we are not villifying men in general, this woman's husband is guilty of doing something very bad.
you're into guilt by association? s/m
As I know it, they broke up months ago..........so I have read...and anyway - you sound like my 87 year old mother!!! 
Guilt? I am much too old to think about such a superficial thing
I just wondered who makes you the guru of all things good or bad? I just happen to know that things mentioned here, not all, but some are absolutely good for you. My husband is a chef and I am a registered dietician. You need to go back on the other board where you always seem to stir things up.
Keep waking up at night - Guilt? Anxiety?
Okay - for months now I have been aking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and feeling hot. I have to sleep with a fan and keep fipping from one end of hte bed to ther other so the sheets will be cool. I guess that could just be that I'm hot, I don't know. Then I end up being awake for an hour or two while my mind wanders through everything that I am not happy with myself about and I end up making resolutions about how I am going to improve because I'm so bad, etc. I keep wondering if the heart racing is just physical and is maybe anxiety and I am trying to rationalize it as guilt so I start to try to think of what I might feel guilty about? Anyway, the next day I am fine, although I have started spending less money as a result of one of my late night attacks! Does anyone else do this or know what it is? I'm tired of it - and tired the next day!
either postpartum depression or embarrassed/guilt
I have known people to withdraw due to feeling like people are going to make fun of their child, blaming themselves or postpartum depression. Is this their first child? Could be that she is just simply overwhelmed. What does her mother-in-law/mother think? Is she also pulling away from them?
Just let her know that you are there for her even if that means sending her a card.
Confessional is for the purpose of relieving people's guilt of sin.
The law is written on mankind's heart. Confessional and or talking with your pastor is a helpful tool toward relieving guilt and for guidance. People who quote scripture like this should know it is fine to quote but also should be educated on the original purpose of confessional. No one ever said the Pastor is taking the place of Christ. Read up on Luther's papers, please.
I see where you are coming from because I would be nagged by guilt and feeling responsible
for the problem. I have those tendencies too. No way should you cash your IRA for a car.
Yes, guilt is my downfall. Now, I feel guilty because she has no life survival skills because I have
done everything for her...so now I blame myself about how she will survive because she has no idea what to do. I guess I didn't have anyone leading my way. I've been on my own since I was 16 years old and I made it okay. She calls me for EVERYTHING..how do I do this.. how do I do that and I know now it's time just to let her fall because she'll never learn how to pick herself up if I keep doing it. That's the hardest teacher..falling on your face. She even said that she feels different because she doesn't know anything other kids her age know how to do.. That right there should have made me STOP.. I have not done her any favors..When I thought I was helping her, I was just making it worse and enabling. I'm done with it. Thanks for listening.
Looking to quit my job.
I had recently 2 weeks ago barrowed $2500 from my 401k in order to make ends meet during the holiday season. I am unhappy with my current employer and would like to look for another job but they say that if I leave before that loan is paid off then I will have 3 months to pay it back (i cannot) or I have to pay tax penelties. Well my question is,would it go on this years taxes or next years taxes if I quit before 12/31
I have never taken anything to help me quit, but (sm)
I have quit several times for years at a time, and I always did it cold turkey. The only way I got through it was because I TRULY WANTED TO QUIT. Is it possible that they really don't WANT to quit, they just THINK THEY SHOULD? This may not make sense to a nonsmoker, but that is the point I am at now. I know I should quit, just don't want to, and I don't believe I would no matter what I took. It's a mindset, I think.
Then just keep doing what you are doing and quit
complaining and live with it.
Quit your job -
But I wonder how many people REALLY quit going
to these stores. I know my SIL never quit WalMart even though she was devastated because "they" (whoever they are) were taking Christmas away from her. Seems like a lot of talk but not a lot of ACTUAL action.
will you quit attacking - I never said....sm
I never said anything bad about Koreans or him being Korean - you have no idea who you are typing at on this board...I am so not racist and so tolerant but you'd have no clue about that.
At the time I posted it was a 23-y/o Korean THE DETAILS of the details of who did the shooting had not hit the newswires UNTIL THEN.
Please get over yourself.
Quit tripping
I hate no one but I sure dislike him quite a bit. If you read my post correctly, I said HE wanted Iraq to share the oil, that means we do not have, correct?? Useless conflict, lost lives, another Viet Nam and might as well cut your losses and leave. Over 2000 years of unrest in that land and the US is supposed to change. Ha! I for one am so glad about the standoff being him and the senate with him being unable to afford his war anymore.
Yep, me. I quit my hospital job sm
to work at home just because I got tired of some mean people in the office complaining I was always in the bathroom. Like I really wanted to be there.
I quit 3 months ago!
I feel great! I can even be around others and not have a craving. I am just starting to be bothered by the smell.
GOOD LUCK! YOU CAN DO IT!!
Quit nitpicking
Isn't this one place we can type without worrying about doing something ridiculous like making a typo or a spelling error???? I sometimes get more anxiety about posting on here because everyone nitpicks it to death with the spelling and grammar I about hyperventilate. Most of these messages are typed out so fast and in between files, that it is how it is. Give people a break and remember people in glass houses should not throw stones. Have a good day. Bet it makes you feel superior to be the first one that posted and pick apart her message.
By the way I have only used Stedmans and love it.
You know what will happen if we all quit
There will have to be money coming from somewhere to replace the tax revenue lost if all of us wicked smokers just up and quit (or died, whichever!). They already decided we could do without the transfats and took those away from our McFrys; Salmonella risk caused many places to get rid of genuine cesar salads because of the raw eggs; and some places have banned pate. They may start slowly hitting the US consumer with a Twinkie tax- $1/pack, $10/carton. Those McFrys, even without the transfat we knew and loved) will have a $0.10 surcharge each (eek, I can't afford to supersize anymore), and I'm afraid that it will take a mortgage if I want to get that Chantilly Lace cake from the bakery.
Fat people and smokers- the last two groups that it's okay to make fun of in this country, and dang if I ain't both!
How come she quit this one? I miss her, too. -nm
My father quit at 65...........sm
after practically a lifetime of heavy smoking. He started when he was just a boy, which was common back in the 1920s. He quit at 65 and lived for 20 years before being diagnosed with lung cancer. Of course, we have no way of knowing how long he had it because he never really had any symptoms until about 6 months prior to his death. His cancer was found on a chest x-ray for pneumonia. It was inoperable as it was behind the heart and could barely be seen over the top of the heart when he had the x-ray.
I thought his death would make me stop smoking, but it hasn't. I have smoked for about 25 years now and I know I should stop but I haven't found the will power yet.
I took it to quit smoking...
and can't say that I noticed any effects whatsoever, except that it did help me quit smoking.
Quit assuming...
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Quit concerning yourself with "normal." sm
What works for one couple is completely irrelevant to what works for another couple.
It only matters what is comfortable between the 2 people in the relationship.
Every single person has a unique preference of what is the right amount for themself, and we're lucky to find someone we're compatible with in that manner. Some idea of "normal" shouldn't be your gauge.
It doesn't matter if my husb and I only do it once a month if that's all we feel like doing. I don't care that anybody is doing it 3 times per day. It's irrelevent to my relationship.
Quit being so sensitive...nm
x
Also quit with Chantix
I smoked over a pack a day for about 20 years. October 2007, I starting taking it. I took the first 3 weeks out of the 1 month pack and went in for a hysterectomy and stopped taking Chantix after that, but never started back up again.
My husband, smoked 2 packs a day for at least 20 years, also took Chantix for 1 month and has stopped smoking. He quit last January (14 months ago).
I did get VERY depressed on this medication and often had thoughts of suicide. This went away after 3 months of not being on the medication but it was a horrible experience. I think they now prescribe an antidepressant to take along with the Chantix.
All I know is I could not have done it without them. I love not being a smoker and cannot stand the smell of it anymore.
GOOD LUCK!
So just quit charging when
you pay them off, but don't 'close' it?
Oooh! One more and then I'll try to quit
I used to work in a convenience store about 20 years ago and one time this guy walked in. He was a -regular-. Anyway, he walked right inside the door, looked down at his muddy boots and proceeded to knock the dried mud off right there in front of the cash register. It flew everywhere. Clumps all over the place. And then he just kept walking. I always wondered if he did that at home, too.
People can be so oblivious!
hey - please quit feeding the troll....Thanks!
.
one lady quit over my list
she was offended and said she knew how to do her job. I was a little upset at the moment and said if I was good enough to pay on time and tip consistently why could I expect my cleaning to be consistent.
Oh well my house is dirty I am exhausted and I will spend my day off trying to get caught up and start back still exhausted.
Quit cold turkey because
admitted to the hospital with asthma exacerbation and put on theophylline. That is probably the worst thing ever, sped me up, no sleeping, sweating and I swore if I could get out of the hospital never again. That was 1998 and not 1 cigarette after then. I hated the theophylline more than I loved the cigarettes. What I thought would be outpatient treatment in the emergency room that day changed into a 2 week stay. I was put on prednisone and gained 26 lbs in 2 weeks, horrible. If a doctor now says prednisone, I said what is my second choice? I am remarried and thank goodness stopped the smoking, this hubby is so much against it. I never, though, call anyone else down on their habit if they smoke because I have been there myself.
My hubby quit 3 years ago.
He is sooooo glad. At his dad's funeral recently he had a pack of tissues in his pocket. His brother in law thought it was a pack of cigs for a second. That was one light momement on a tough day.
Margaret's list idea is great; I've used that for other things.
Replacement activities are good too ... having a new thing you do, like a walk at lunch, or drinking chamomile tea or something new and different to help mark the change in your life.
And it will be like you gave yourself a raise! You could start keeping track of how much you are saving and use it for vacations or clothes or whatever treat you'd most like.
(That would be plants for me).
:oD
Quit worrying about what everyone else got or gets their kids. sm
MOST of it is on credit, trust me. Credit, credit, credit. Most Americans don't even have a savings acct (from something I read on line), so you know they aren't paying cash. Who cares what all the other kids get? I hate trying to keep up with the Joneses. It's so dumb.
Should I just quit answering the phone at all?
My children are grown and out of the home. I was on my cellphone today talking long distance, my daughter calls on my land phone and I answered. I have caller ID but did not put on my specs so could not tell who it was, just answered. I don’t get that many calls, mostly people selling things. Anyway, noticed she seemed out of sorts, in a curt voice telling me to call her back. When I finished I called back and asked her what was her problem. She tells me I sounded like I was angry, upset or whatever. I have told her repeatedly- if you think I am upset- ask me and I will tell you- that does not happen- she just assumes that. I told her she and her brother will never know me, never as they both assumed the same (I am estranged from her brother) Her brother used to tell me to "calm down" and I again and again and again said not upset and then that would tick me off that he continued to say that. My children are in their 30s and 40s- I have been married to my present husband now for 8 years (although I have known him 25+) and he knows me much better than they ever did. Any suggestions? Should I just disconnect the phone? Should I let everything come on answering machine?? My pet peeve in life is to be accused wrongly and yet it continues with her. I guess could let answering machine pick it up for a few weeks and I guess that would worry the heck out of her then ----- or maybe not?
Scared to quit smoking - sm
I have another friend who quit smoking 3 years ago and now has lung cancer. I know (and have heard of) many people who quit (ACS can tell you how your lungs supposedly improve and risk of lung cancer death diminishes compared to the general population) smoking only to be diagnosed with lung cancer after several years. This IS NOT a mental excuse for me not to quit. It really does frighten me. Been a smoker for 30 years. Seems worthless to fight to quit and die, or just keep smoking and die. Anyone have any thoughts? I have no one affected by my second-hand smoke.
I did Curves for about 2 yrs, but quit due to surgery a yr ago sm
I had GREAT success with Curves, which I did along with Weight Watchers - I lost 72 inches in total body measurements and almost 75 lb. CURVES ROCKS and now that I've recovered from my hip / knee surgeries, I'm going to rejoin.
Anyway, I know they've changed someone but their core competency is the circuit training, no treadmills or other equipment. You really don't need the treadmill either, because the stations between equipment are for walking / jogging in place.
Quit wondering- she made it there
really late around 10:30 or so, after she had finished her final show in NYC and flew to California to join him. I have seen the pictures of them there.
Just quit being the hater, more people might like you.
My original post - I think most hear read and understand English very well-states what the association does not allow. If you read something into that as being snotty, it is all on you, not on me. Sorry, dont even own a pair of panties, much less granny ones. I will just say bless your heart as you seem to need that.
People, you just got to quit assuming!
I am born and raised in the south. I live in Georgia now and have for the past 40 something years. I do not eat crawfish, never. I eat ice cream and never heard the term "wet nuts" is that a term for boiled peanuts? If so, never had those either. I do not eat things like squirrel, rabbit and the like. In my home we cook with olive oil (never lard or grease), do not use flour in any cooking, don't even have it in our home, do not eat fast food items. At home we lean towards Italian dishes, husband makes a wonderful salad dressing with garlic, olive oil, herbs and the like and also makes a mean spaghetti. I love stromboli and love olives (remember I am a true Southern girl). Why in the world people assume because you were born or live in a certain part of the country means you are this way or that, I will never know. When you assume you are generally wrong. I learned that years ago and the posting above fits that category.
Hating my supervisor, and not being able to quit yet. nm
x
quit paying and see if he says something..then you'll know..nm
x
YAY he just quit chirping first time in 4 hours
x
I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, YOU CAN DO IT!! nm
x
Quit cold Turkey 2 months ago. Still want one. Ugh
I handled it by quit allowing myself to be taken advantage of -sm
Just STOP doing it. Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result borders on insanity! They obviously do not value what is given, so stop doing it, save yourself the money and the heartache, and move on to more positive things to spend your energy on. 
I wouldn't have quit - I'd have reported her for creating
#
Well, we quit "gaming." Hope you are happy.
x
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