either postpartum depression or embarrassed/guilt
Posted By: lessMT on 2008-01-26
In Reply to: Friend - blondie
I have known people to withdraw due to feeling like people are going to make fun of their child, blaming themselves or postpartum depression. Is this their first child? Could be that she is just simply overwhelmed. What does her mother-in-law/mother think? Is she also pulling away from them?
Just let her know that you are there for her even if that means sending her a card.
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- Friend - blondie
- either postpartum depression or embarrassed/guilt - lessMT
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Even postpartum depression.
I had a friend who was not even the same person after she had her second child. She was afraid to go out in public and would field all her calls through her husband and had never done anything like that before. We tried to go out together one day and she made me turn around and take her back home.
It turned out she had postpartum depression and after some time, therapy, understanding friends and short-term medication, she was fine.
Of course, the added stress of the baby's physical problems could easily account for a reason for the depression.
People have told me that one of the best things they appreciate from a friend is a sincere card or letter expressing empathy and concern. They like being able to read the sentiments again whenever they are down. Just a word of caution, always re-read such a letter before sending it to make sure there is no hint of something that could be taken the wrong way.
She does seem embarrassed by it...
Because in the hopital she kept reminding me don't tell anyone about his feet. And her mom tells me all the time too dont say anything about his clubbed feet. So there has to be an embarrassment factor there. I think she is perfectly normal with her mom and husband just not friends. Don't know. I am not the only friend though that has noticed this. So it isn't just me.
I'm embarrassed to say this, but
we usually eat out at least 3 if not 4 nights a week. Always eat out on Fridays and Saturdays and then usually Tuesday and Thursday nights.
I generally cook a large family meal on Sunday with enough leftovers to last through Monday. Tuesday night we either order in and Wednesdays we have "breakfast for dinner" -- my kids love that one. Thursdays we usually order in because it's TV night -- Our whole family watches Survivor together, then hubs and me watch Gray's Anatomy and another show that we've recorded from earlier in the week.
We usually eat out Friday nights because we go to get groceries (I don't know what for) at 1 of the local bars/restaurants. Saturday we're almost always on the go and usually eat somewhere nice -- Applebee's or Chili's or Olive Garden.
We've been living in town this past year, and I've noticed we do order in quite a bit more than we used to. When it was a 15-minute drive to town, I planned our meals ahead of time and usually only ordered once a week or once every 2 weeks and we only ate out on Saturdays. We seemed to have picked up these extra 2 nights of ordering in out of convenience (a nicer word than laziness).
Oh the cost -- I have 3 kids and a hubby. On the nights we order in, we spend about $25 to $30 (saving because of no drinks or appetizers). When we eat out, the bill is usually around $50. So altogether, I guess I spend about $155 a week on eating out -- WOW/YIKES! Thanks for making me realize that. I think it's time to cut it down to 1 night of ordering in and 1 night of eating out. 
Embarrassed myself, and grossed people out ----
Back when I was pretty young, one of my first jobs was at local hospital. The nurses were always having parties; wedding showers, baby showers, going-away, etc. Sometimes the MT's got invited, too.
So I was at this party, was thirsty, and wanted a cup of Martinelli's sparkling cider they were serving. The nurses had long since run out of Dixie cups, and were using urine-sample cups instead. (Don't worry - it was a new, fresh package).
Later, as the party was winding down and I had to get back to work, I poured a little bit more Martinelli's to go, and walked back across the campus to the building where transcription was located.
I couldn't figure out why I was getting some odd looks from other people as I walked along drinking my apple cider out of my clear plastic urine-sample cup, until I got back to the office and someone blurted out, 'Do you know what that LOOKS like?!'
Our pooch gets embarrassed and leaves the room, too! nm
s
please don't take on any guilt that someone--sm
else is trying to lay on you. You have enough to worry about without feeling guilty about a human reaction. First off, it was not your husband's fault for not taking the quad off the trailer. It was all your BIL responsibility once he took the vehicles to his property, to make sure they were safe. period. If they are reacting out of anger towards you now, it is because they feel the guilt of responsibility and it may end up costing them something in the future. They do not want to have to pay the consequences for their mistake...so...they are trying to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for blaming them for your loss. they can only do that if you allow them to. You are in the right. You are also within your rights to attempt to recover for you loss, whether it is family or not. Secondly, the disagreement you got into with your sister is on her shoulders. Heated emails or not, she came to your house, became confrontational with you, and ended up placing her hands on you in anger. Whether she hurt you or not, she aggressively assaulted you. If you let it go this time, just like in any abuse case, be it male or female, it just gives her an open door to do it again, maybe not to you, but to someone else. She feels she can get what she wants by physical means, and that is wrong. You say she and her husband have always been this way, by screwing people over, so they can get what they want, no matter what the consequences. They have apparently never been made to pay the consequences of their actions. They have never learned not to be selfish. Family or not, sister or not, you have the right and obligation to defend yourself, your person and your property, against a selfish onslaught. As I said previously, your sister and BIL would be knocking on your door wanting compensation for their property if it had been stolen from you. Situations are always different when the shoe is on the other foot. Thirdly, even though you love your nephew dearly, she is the parent. It is her responsibility to act in such a way *maturely* so that her *business* is not in jeopardy and she will not lose her job or her home because of it. It is her actions that caused any consequences that come from this. Not yours. She seems to be very good at turning anything she does wrong onto someone else, making it their fault. Do not let her guilt you into thinking you did this, because you did not.
As you said. The damage is done. You cannot undo it. You cannot change it. You did the right thing in protecting yourself from her physical assault. Whatever happens now is a result of her actions, not yours. If per chance this ever calms down, and it will in time, perhaps an amicable solution would be for them to pay HALF of the loss. That way both parties take responsibility. That is just a suggestion. But please, please, do not take on the guilt she is trying to get you to take. Stay strong. Family or not, she had no right to inflict anything on you physically. Just remember that. Abuse is abuse whether you are hurt or not. Trust me on that. I have been there. I wish you all the best!
You ever think it may be guilt that has - sm
kept him from contacting her? People tend to sweep under the rug what they feel bad about, so maybe he swept his former life and child under the rug and cannot go back because he feels guilty of how he treated them. It does happen. Granted there are those who feel nothing and want nothing to do with their past "indiscretions", and are just horrible people to begin with. If it were me I'd get in touch, but with no expectations of becoming one happy family; basically for curiousity. My mom was adopted and on and off I have searched for her birth parents. She is dead now, and unless they are very, very old, her parents are dead too, but I may have some aunts and uncles I know nothing about as well as some cousins that I am still curious about and hope to one day meet. It took me a while but I got her birth certificate released via the courts when my mom was still alive and at least she died knowing her birthday really was her birthday (we had our doubts as her "parents" lied about so much) and the names of her parents, assuming they told the truth on the birth certificate, one never knows. Yes, her contacting her dad will ruffle some feathers but she has a right to contact him and should not let others stop her if she really wants to contact him just because they don't like the idea.
Guilt
Guilt is a major side effect of depression. Believe me, I know! I didn’t realize the extent of my depression until after I started treatment for it. Now that I am on the “other” side of the coin, I am much more aware of the symptoms and triggers. I, too, wondered why everything made me feel guilty, especially when no one really even tried to make me feel that way; I brought it on myself. For years, I kept asking myself why I was feeling that way and never came to a solid conclusion. Now that I am on medication, there was no real reason for my guilt other than I was depressed. I can honestly say that any guilt I feel right now is a normal healthy level, enough to help me remain considerate to others, but it is no longer a major part of my life. I feel like a slave who has been set free from bondage. I’ve learned that it’s okay to pamper myself and take care of some my own needs. However, I don’t think I could have ever done it on my own without the help of medication.
I would never put you on guilt trip for that
That little beast is a nervy ho!!!! The worst part of having kids is dealing with other kids and their parents. How DARE she do that? Use your computer? But I will say, this will be an ongoing war for eternity now with the mother.
first, quit the guilt
If you have been burned by someone repeatedly, and they still want you around, they have to be open to your verification to gain your trust. He doesn't respect you enough to get help and stick with it, as he has proven repeatedly, so why should he be surprised if you want reassurance of his activities. If he doesn't want to change, then there is nothing you can do to make him. You have to decide if it is really worth hanging on. Is life apart from him really that much worse than with him? I would advise you to see if there is anyone you can talk to who is an expert on addiction and those who live with addicts (you didn't say whether you have a counselor available or maybe a support group). FWIW, I've been there, and I would never give a man as many chances as you have. It is your life. Reclaim it for yourself!
My point is that the e-mail check is not what you should worry about. How his problems affect your life/sanity/sense of self is what you should focus on.
Good luck!
Regardless, that doesn't take away his guilt sm
She didn't believe it then, but she does now. Better late than never. He is still guilty and people who are willing to do those types of things don't change. My point to Mrs. R is that we are not villifying men in general, this woman's husband is guilty of doing something very bad.
you're into guilt by association? s/m
As I know it, they broke up months ago..........so I have read...and anyway - you sound like my 87 year old mother!!! 
Guilt? I am much too old to think about such a superficial thing
I just wondered who makes you the guru of all things good or bad? I just happen to know that things mentioned here, not all, but some are absolutely good for you. My husband is a chef and I am a registered dietician. You need to go back on the other board where you always seem to stir things up.
Keep waking up at night - Guilt? Anxiety?
Okay - for months now I have been aking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and feeling hot. I have to sleep with a fan and keep fipping from one end of hte bed to ther other so the sheets will be cool. I guess that could just be that I'm hot, I don't know. Then I end up being awake for an hour or two while my mind wanders through everything that I am not happy with myself about and I end up making resolutions about how I am going to improve because I'm so bad, etc. I keep wondering if the heart racing is just physical and is maybe anxiety and I am trying to rationalize it as guilt so I start to try to think of what I might feel guilty about? Anyway, the next day I am fine, although I have started spending less money as a result of one of my late night attacks! Does anyone else do this or know what it is? I'm tired of it - and tired the next day!
Confessional is for the purpose of relieving people's guilt of sin.
The law is written on mankind's heart. Confessional and or talking with your pastor is a helpful tool toward relieving guilt and for guidance. People who quote scripture like this should know it is fine to quote but also should be educated on the original purpose of confessional. No one ever said the Pastor is taking the place of Christ. Read up on Luther's papers, please.
I see where you are coming from because I would be nagged by guilt and feeling responsible
for the problem. I have those tendencies too. No way should you cash your IRA for a car.
Yes, guilt is my downfall. Now, I feel guilty because she has no life survival skills because I have
done everything for her...so now I blame myself about how she will survive because she has no idea what to do. I guess I didn't have anyone leading my way. I've been on my own since I was 16 years old and I made it okay. She calls me for EVERYTHING..how do I do this.. how do I do that and I know now it's time just to let her fall because she'll never learn how to pick herself up if I keep doing it. That's the hardest teacher..falling on your face. She even said that she feels different because she doesn't know anything other kids her age know how to do.. That right there should have made me STOP.. I have not done her any favors..When I thought I was helping her, I was just making it worse and enabling. I'm done with it. Thanks for listening.
IMO definitely depression
I think people get freaked when you say depression because they think of Grapes of Wrath or what our grandparents talk about what they went through. They say "Oh that'll never happen here" - "Gas at $3.00 your nuts, that'll never happen to us". I think that as long as they don't cancel American Idol people don't care. I talk to siblings they have no idea of what's going on in the economy but they know the statistics of all American Idols or Survivors. It's sad. I definitely see a depression coming. First, gas prices are soaring. People can't afford it. If they can't afford it they can't get themselves to work, or they work OT just to pay for gas to get to work (when OT is available). Food prices rising. Reports of food shortages in areas, jobs being shipped overseas. Then the wierd weather patterns I also believe somehow affect the economy. To me I see a major depression hitting us. Also I do read a lot of websites (the kind that my family thinks I'm into conspiracies - that is until they start hearing the same news I'm telling them about, they just hear about it months later and pretend I never told them anything).
depression?
Okay so they say, finally, that we are in a recession. I am thinking that we may be going into another Great Depression. Call me doom and gloom but come on now, look at life. So, my question is to those of you who stock up on stuff. What do you stock up on and how do u do it? I mean, do you go out one day when you grocery shop and just spend a fortune on extra stuff or do you spread it out. Also, those of you that mentioned being stocked up, obvious it limits grocery trips and probably saves some money here and there but if we face a depression, do you think that there will be a huge shortage of food in our grocery stores?
depression
Ladies, help me out. What physical conditions can cause depression or mood swings? For the past few months I have been experiencing bouts of depression that seem to come out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. Within the span of 5 minutes I go from feeling normal and content to feeling like life is completely meaningless and hopeless. This is completely out character for me. I have always had a positive outlook, very even-tempered, and don't even get emotional around my period. The year 2008 was one of the most stressful years of my life and there is still a lot of stress going on so I realize it could indeed be that I have reached my emotional limit, but if there could be a physical cause, I am willing to entertain that as well. Thanks for any insight.
Do you think he could be going through depression maybe? sm
Depression is an illness and it can definitely make you lose motivation or desire for anything. Just a thought.
I wonder if he has depression & if
depression meds would help pull him out of his funk so he could be at least motivated enough to get out & work? I fight depression & don't feel like working, but of course I do it because I have to support myself, but maybe he has a greater degree of depression?
On the other hand, I had a relative like this, and as long as anyone would hand him money, he wouldn't do anything to help himself. When people would cut him off, he'd work a while... My husband & I decided after a while of that that we would feed him when he came over to eat because we always have leftovers anyway, that we would quit handing him money but would never let him go hungry & he was welcome to eat with us anytime he wanted, but that would be the extent of it.
If he already owns a dump truck, he should be able to at least do a job here & there & get by though. I know men who would love to own their own dump truck!
There's no easy answer & I feel for you.
Depression after surgery
My Daddy went through the same thing after he had heart surgery. He would not go to a psychiatrist or counselor. We spoke with his primary care physician who put him on Paxil which helped tremendously. Ask your PCP or cardiologist if it would be possible to start him on an antidepressant to see if that may make a diffence.
Good luck and take care.
I don't think the depression meds --sm
should be taken in conjunction with pot. Anger and anxiety issues were already present prior to father's death. He may be grieving on some level, as his own psyche will allow, but sounds more like an excuse to me. I have lived with these types in the past. His lack of ambition is probably due to the pot, as well. Thinking of the child, I feel that separation from the source of this frustration would be the best thing for the boy. Counseling rarely works for the spouse, but it would probably benefit you. Go with your gut reaction on this as to what is best. You live with the man, and you know more about him than what you can post here. Trust your instincts. Good luck to you.
Could you be suffering from a depression?
Maybe go to your doctor and ask for an exam regarding your symptoms of being tired and wanting to always eat. Those are signs of depression. Are you on an antidepressant? They certainly have helped me.
Jan
Recession/depression
I think we are at a "stuck" point, where it could shoot up or fall down into a rescession. I hope to God, it shoots up. I heard gas isn't coming down til after the first of the year (2009)
recession/depression
I think Michigan is already in a recession. It is just sickening to see all the homes that have been foreclosed. Everytime you watch the news or read a paper it is just more people losing their jobs. I don't know how much more people here can take. Hopefully things pick up soon!
PPMD/depression
I have depression. Right before my time, I get terrible. I am taking sertraline (Zoloft) right now all the time. While I was asking my Dr. about this medication she mentioned to me that some woman only take it for PPMD and/or up the dose during that time. I am actually considering going back to her and asking about this because during my time I get irritable and sad still.  I hear ya!!
Best Description of a Depression
I really think the movie "Cinderella Man" gives a good and accurate portrayal of the Great Depression.
depression era music
jazz age
http://dismuke.org/radio/
It sounds like you might have depression.
Maybe you could see a doctor? Talk therapy could help, especially if you work at home and don't get a chance to talk to *adults* much.
If you can't/don't want to see a doc (and you think it could be depression), you could try a supplement called SAMe (can get it at Target). Do some research about it on Google. It has helped some people. It's not too expensive and supposedly it starts working fast so you'd know if it were going to work for you before you spent too much.
With depression you lose either way -- sm
depression pretty much kills sex drive, but so do antidepressants. Still, I prefer to be on the meds.
Anxiety and depression are two different diagnoses
Sometimes they co-exist, sometimes they don't, sometimes long-term suffering of one will create the other. Some are situational, some are chemical. Family docs now spooning out SSRIs like candy have blurred them into a generic diagnosis with a generic fix, IMO.
While I totally agree re. depression...nm
to poster above who has done a fine job and counsels others on getting money into the bank, the stark reality is that no matter how much $$ one has in the bank, when depression hits - and it will - all that money isn't going to amount to a hill of beans that was covered by the floods in the upper states. The dollar bill has little value now, so when the depression hits none of it will be worth anything. Best stockpile on canned and paper goods (TP will be at a premium, I'm told by financiers) now with that $$ in the bank 'cause that's all you are going to have!
A few suggestions on beating depression.
In the same boat gave good suggestions for the medical care part. I strongly urge you to consider an anti-depressant and/or an anti-anxiety medication. They are not addictive, do not turn you into a zombie and will help you tremendously in every arena, especially work. You could try OTC St John's wort. This did not help my depression (it seems to run in my family and I think mine is hereditary) but I have friends who say it has helped them. It is possible your depression is being aggravated by SAD (seasonal affective disorder).
Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep. If you have trouble with insomnia, another really good natural remedy for that is melatonin. You find it in the vitamin section of the drug store. It is inexpensive and is not habit-forming. There is no set dosage. They come in 1 mg and 3 mg tablets that can be split. Start with the 1 mg and increase by 0.5 mg until you reach your ideal without hangover effect in the a.m. 3 mg is what I typically take, but have taken as much as 4.5. Again, insomnia runs in my family and it is likely your dosage would be less.
Exercise helps with depression A LOT. This does not have to be strenuous or extreme. A 20 to 45 minute walk 3 times a week or more will do WONDERS for you. Biking is great also and in the summer, swimming.
Here's something else I strongly suggest. I know it's a hard one, because I am a mom too. Stop trying to take care of everybody else for the time being and put focus on helping yourself. Find things you enjoy doing that do not cost money and then DO THEM. This can be difficult at first. Take baby steps at first. Make a modest plan for a day off, wake up and PRETEND you are not depressed, then put one foot in front of the other. Read books, watch favorite TV shows, surf the net, window shop, light candles and incense and soak in a hot water tub with soothing bath salts, listen to music, pot plants using cuttings, cook a delicious meal, change your hairstyle, experiment with make-up and new clothing styles (go to stores and try them on), start a journal or do a little research on a new hobby. Sometimes even housework can be therapeutic. Whatever you do, be very kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up if you don't get as much done as you would like. The road back takes time and practice.
Get proactive about your job. Look for work at home with a company with insurance. Make up your mind that you are going to kick this depression, not the other way around.
Only if you've never suffered from depression and
Walk a mile or two in my shoes before you go judging me, or anyone else who's been helped by antidepressants.
Can you get him to the PCP? They can handle this type of depression most times -nm
:-)
Our stories are very, very similar. Due to my severe depression sm
something horrible happened which I cannot speak of here. It is the main reason I found God, so you and I are alike in that matter.
As for God rescuing you like that - that is amazing. I guess we can just agree to disagree on this one. He saved you by showing you meds and saying it's okay to take them, and He healed me from my ailment without meds. Who is to say one is better than the other? That is why the saying goes that God works in mysterious ways!
I am happy for you! Continue to do what you are doing. I am not judging you. I only spoke to NCMT through my own experiences. We all have our own experiences.
POLL: Are we headed for a recession/depression?
Do you think we are headed there or already there. Some people have told me they think it is going to get really bad like during the great depression. opinions?
If your mom and dad just divorced this year, have you ever thought of depression? sm
Maybe your dad is going through a real hard adjustment to his new life and could use a little help or boost from you instead of a cold shoulder. Sounds to me like he might just be in some major depression as his life has had a drastic change. Reach out to him and help him in his time of need. Sure he is an adult, but everyone can walk on hard times with major traumatic events going on in their life and he may just lack desire to care due to his depression.
Depression/Menopause/Decreased Sex Drive
I was wondering if any has any suggestions for increasing a woman's sex drive. I have been on Wellbutrin and trazodone for years and now I am going through menopause on hormone replacement. (I am 47 and had an ovary removed last year which caused me to go into menopause.) The last few years my sex drive has decreased to almost nil. Any suggestions/information would be much appreciated.
Anybody's hubby went through Open Heart Surgery and can't get out of depression?
I seem to be having a big problem with mine. He wasn't too bad after surgery, but since then, there have been a lot of house problems. i.e., water , septic system problems, roof leaking, my car not passing inspection so down to 1 vehicle, etc., etc.
He feels he cannot handle it anymore. He'll sit in our garage for hours on end doing nothing, but knowing he should be doing something. Yet, everything he does lately, does not solve a problem and he winds up doing something else for the same problem. It never bothered him before except ot get him mad he didn't do it right the first time (does anybody understand what I'm saying here?). He's feeling very "old" and incompetent but nothing I do or say is getting him out of this depression.
I'm afraid for him but don't tell me to make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist...he would never go. He's losing interest in eating, too, and even fixing his favorite foods depresses him because he thinks it's not made the same.
Anybody have any suggestions? I don't know what else to do lately. Thanks fo the help.
Haven't you heard? We're in a recession and/or depression?
so, why would there be a raise in benefits if there is no inflation?
The risk of suicide is greater in people with depression anyway sm
I personally have suffered from depression for most of my life, and the only time I feel "normal" is when I am on some kind of antidepressant. It takes time and a patient understanding doctor to work with you until you are on the right one at the right dosage, but I strongly feel that it is irresponsible and dangerous to tell someone not to take an antidepressant if they need it. You don't go telling diabetics that they shouldn't take insulin because people taking it are more likely to have high blood sugar do you? Makes about as much sense to me
Regular exercise helps, too, but watch for depression if you're
s
Many meds for depression and mental retardation make people very SM
heavy. My friend has gained probably 75 pounds or more since being on some of the meds. Don't know quite why they contribute to weight loss, but one commercial some years ago said that it does something to the part of the brain that senses when you are full. . . . .
..:) Depression glass, cut crystal, candle sticks, figurines. Strings of twinkie lights
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