curfews and adult children
Posted By: Night Owl on 2009-04-12
In Reply to: My dad always used to tell us.. - mtmt
We went through this with both our kids, and repeatedly I tried to get it through their heads (okay, thick skulls, lol!) that I worry about their safety, that I NEED to know that they're safe. I told them also that their driving privileges could be revoked if I saw fit (I'm not sure they believed I would actually do that, though, and I ended up never needing to go that far). But the main thing that I think finally got through to them is that I really do genuinely worry. I can't sleep peacefully when they're home from college or home visiting now, if they're not back under the roof here when they say they will be. (I don't have as big an issue with that when they're at college or living in their own place; then, a once weekly call is enough to keep my quiet!) I've also been known to ask for extra contact numbers of their friends, in case their cell phone dies or they lose it or whatever (yes, it has happened, and the extra contact numbers have come in handy). But the agreement with the extra contact numbers is that I won't use them unless there is a true emergency here or they haven't checked in at their agreed upon frequency. They don't want me to embarrass them to their friends because Mommy is checking up on them.
Whether it is safe for an 18-year-old to be out after midnight is perhaps a relative question - relative to where you live, what the night-life in your area is like, how many deer cross the backroads randomly during deer season, whether you live in an urban area with a lot of party clubs that 18yo kids don't need to be tempted to visit, etc. You get the idea.
But first and foremost, get it through her head that you need to know that she is safe, that she needs to check in with your regularly if she's going to be out late.
As for my kids - we got through those rocky years, and now when I go to visit them, they expect ME to call THEM to let them know that I arrived home safely. Life is good!
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We had no curfews for our adult children.
And I consider 18 an adult.
As each of our children reached age 18, we had a frank discussion with them and laid out what we expected of them. We told them that they were now basically non-paying roommates. Because we loved them and wanted to give them a boost into adult life, we kept our home open to them, paid their living expenses, and supported them in pursuit of their dreams. But as parents, we worry. All curfews and restrictions were dropped the day they turned 18. They didn't have to tell us where they were going or what they were doing. But we asked that they not worry us. We requested that they give us approximate times of coming and going. I needed to know whether they would be eating with us, and basically at what hour I should start worrying if they hadn't returned home. I also asked that since we were paying their tuition (high school and college) that they keep good grades. Our first son was not a great student, and we told him that we did not consider paying his way to college a good investment of our hard-earned money. We asked him to prove his seriousness by working, attending community college full-time and paying the community college tuition himself. He did that, received good grades, and then transferred to a state university with our blessing and tuition assistance. Since our sons drove our cars, we told them that we would not allow them the use of our car if they stayed out later than expected without calling home or had any driving issues, or God forbid, drinking. Any major infractions, drugs, drinking, legal issues, and we'd close our home to them, as well.
The discussion was very honest. They told us what they wanted from us, too, which was to be treated as adults. That was fine with us. We gave them quite a bit. A place to live, a car to drive, an education, and respect. They gave us respect in return, and actually never stayed out very late. On occasion, if stayed out longer on weekends, they called or left text messages so that we wouldn't worry if their plans went later than expected.
Children need to learn to act like adults. We have to treat them as adults, but it's also fine to give them a bit of help as they head out into the world on their own. If your child is a responsible teenager, likely the transition to adulthood won't be so bumpy (but do expect a few bumps). Just sit down and talk about expectations, listen to your child, and come to an agreement. I think that I enjoy my adult relationship with my children much more than I did when they were young. And after all, if we live out even an average life span, we will know our children as adults much longer than we know them as children. Best to get use to them being adults!
I can't cook. I live alone but have adult children...
So I resolve to try a new entree once a month and invite my children and their families over to try it.
I think that may be an easy one to keep!
All living in my house have curfews.
My youngest is 19 and lives at home. He has a curfew. He tried the now-that-I'm-18-I-don't-gotta-do-what-you-say stuff but I packed a WalMart bag with his deodorant and his stinky tennis shoes and took my house and car keys off his key ring and told him he couldn't live here if he didn't respect the rules.
He wandered around with friends for a couple of hours then very apologetically came back and we haven't had any trouble since.
You are not too hard. If she wants to make her own rules, she needs to support herself. Adult decisions should be made by adults - that means supporting herself.
We did curfews for a couple of reasons
Our 3 oldest kids are in their 30s now. Here's what we did with them and will do with the 2 teenagers when they finish high school.
CURFEWS - absolutely because 1) with the layout of our house they had to walk right by our room to get to theirs and we had to get up early to work to support the household
2) we both believe there's nothing good going on after midnight
3) the kids were always welcome to have friends over or be on the phone on weekend nights
4) the kids were expected to get up in the mornings and go to jobs or help with chores or the younger kids or whatever. Nobody got a free ride from high school graduation on.
Did we have a few skirmishes? Sure. But if there was a particular reason to be out, a movie, concert, then we were flexible.
We all survived it and we will with the younger two as well. You and yours will too. Just remember to keep the most important thing - your sense of humor.
I don't set strict curfews for mine. I can't because of her activities. sm
How do you all work around school activities and curfews? My 16-yod works, is varsity cheerleader, tennis player, in theater, etc. Even school activities like away games sometimes it is like midnight or later before they get home. As long as she is keeping up her grades and I know where she is at all times, I pretty much let her be. She has a cell and I know I can call her at any moment to get a hold of her. She lets me know the plans ahead of time so I can know when to expect her home. She is the one that suffers if she doesn't get enough sleep. I may be wrong but I believe in being too strict too. In my town, they have midnight bowling for teens and a lot of the kids get together after football games and watch movies. These to me are much better than being at some party and as long as she is behaving, I let her go. We have a very open communication though and she tells me just about everything so I don't worry. I am proud to have a 16-yo virgin at this time which is more than I can say for myself. If she has no specific activity planned, her curfew is midnight but that is very rare. I think there are a lot of varieties and things to take into consideration especially individual personality of the teen as well as school activities and the friends they hang out with.
survey on sixteen year old girl curfews - sm
Just taking a survey from all you parents of 16 yo girls out there...what is your curfew for your teen? Do you let her go out during the school week? If so, how often and what time does she need to be back? What about Friday and Saturday nights? Thanks for participating.
Children having children not a new thing, where do you live?
My son, who is now in his early 40s, told me years ago when in high school about all the teenage mothers that were at his school and said they brought the babies to school, and he seemed to think it was like the girls having playdolls like when you were little. This is not new and apparently folks think alright to have their children sans marriage, be it preteens, teens or adults. I guess my years alone do not make me shocked at anything anymore. Others talk about this job being isolated and your post says some of this if you were shocked at what the son said.
I had them as an adult (sm)
I had braces from about 27 to 31 years old. It was painful - but definitely worth it. I had a crossbite that was embarassing to me for years. You will get used to wearing the braces and won't be so self-conscious soon - it's just because they're new that it's bothering you right now. And it will be worth it when you're done!
adult boy
Thank you. I hate it when people blast others.
I have adult ADD....
as well as depression, anxiety and OCD. After battling for years with just the depression symptoms, there were still concerns in my life which I thought medication and therapy could fix but didn't. These things drove me crazy...Not being able to finish a project - for example a crochet throw I have been working on for over 5 years, various projects started and left hanging, never able to keep at the same task, etc. Now with the help of Adderall I am able to focus for a few hours at a time (I do have withdrawal effects) and I am able to work with less distraction. It has not been a cure-all, but it has brought me some peace of mind being able to get my work done in a reasonable period of time, rather than having the constant urges to do other things.
he was an adult, by our standards, and would have been--sm
accountable for his own actions if he had been arrested and sent to trial. However, if there was familial abuse involved which perpetuated this act of violence, it should be addressed in some manner, but not for the parents to be held accountable for what he did as a result of it. Sometimes even knowing about a person's difficulties is not enough to change them or prevent them from doing something horrible like this. Obviously there were a lot of people, in retrospect, who felt this person had severe problems and they chose to do nothing about it either. He was seeing a therapist, but should the therapist be held accountable, as well? It just comes down to every one being accountable for their own actions.
No, he is an adult and responsible for himself.
nm
on adult swim
I've seen it.....What about The Boondocks or South Park? I have too have a sick and twisted sense of humor.....
Too bad some responsible adult...
could not get those kids. We have a celebutard, immature, crazy mother against a wanna be anything hanger on who is only interested in money...some role models! I hope there is money put away for the therapy those kids will need. The parents even give white trash a bad name!
Adult Behavioral Changes
Call a neurologist who specializes, one who may probabably also have a PhD in Psych. Go in by yourself if you have to and describe what you are experiencing and maybe he or she can give you some direction and information that may help you have your husband evaluated. There are tests he can administer and others that he can send him out for. There are several things that come to mind, but without evaluation this is speculation. It is possible that after you consult a neurologist that he may send you out for evaluation by either a psychologist or psychiatrist, or both. Maybe he has family members or good friends who will help you to encourage him to be evaluated? No matter the outcome, it is best if you consult someone professional who can steer you in the right direction. Best wishes to you. I will be thinking of you. Let us know how this works out.
Legally, yes, but how adult were you at 18? nm
m
Perks of being an adult
Sometimes I feel like it really stinks to be an adult with all the responsibilities and stress and I'd love to go back to being a child. What are the little perks of being an adult that you have found?
I found a simple one this morning...I picked all the marshmellows out of the last bit of Lucky Charms to have extra in my bowl.  No I won't dare tell my 10yo I did that.  I thought it was a better alternative to having a brownie for breakfast which is what I really wanted!
You're obviously the only ADULT between the two
Someone has to teach your daughter to have the money in hand for things you want; otherwise, when will she ever learn to work for what she wants? Handing it over BEFORE the money is made is a huge mistake.
I watched my husband do this with our son and he always said he would pay us back but he needed it NOW because it was on sale or some such garbage. He would be given more labor intensive chores around the house to make the money but never paid us back.
No matter how much I told my son he was not going to get a penny out of me without the job done first, my husband always went behind my back and bought it beforehand, gave it to him, and of course my son had absolutely no motivation to pay for anything. Long story short, he is now 23 years old and still doesn't get the point of working to pay for what you want.....
My husband is very good with money, as am I, but I was raised to pay for what you want and not on credit. Children really need to learn this lesson early on. I was always surprised my husband handed everything over to him because husband worked since he was 12 years old at jobs the labor laws would never allow now! If he wanted anything, he paid for it himself.....the end!! No discussion!
Our son is still loafing around in college, home for summer now, supposed to have a job but of course does not because he knows his dad will not do anything about it, and if I say anything, I get chewed out and disrespected by our son because he knows I have no back up.
You stick to your guns and do what is right..... you do not want her to turn out like that! Her tears will go away. She wanted to umpire, let her umpire and I would definitely tell her how her first responsibility is to umpire. NO CREDIT FOR A TEENAGER!! EVER!
I too met my "father" as a teen/adult.
I had always asked questions. My mom was always very honest when she felt we could handle it about why they broke up (he was abusive). He contacted my brother and me when I was 16. I met him, found out he wasn't my "dad" since that was someone who would have at least been there for me when I needed him or to even know so I consider my "father" as a sperm donor. I am glad I did meet him and have closure (like someone else mentioned) because I think I would have always been curious but I didn't pursue a relationship with him. My father-in-law has been a real dad to me but my blood relative father is not a dad.
I agree with what someone mentioned too that your mom may not have been totally honest, wanting you to not want to pursue meeting him. I was lucky, my mom never badmouthed him when we were growing up even when we had all these questions about him, why they didn't stay married, what it would be like if they had stayed together and everything else. I realize now of course my mom was smart to have gotten out at the beginning. Once an abuser always an abuser so I'm relieved now. If you want to talk about it more let me know and I'll send you my e-mail.
I am teaching an adult class sm
but will use this same lesson when we start back with our weekly youth meetings in the fall. I got the idea for this lesson from Fannie Flagg's book Can't Wait to Get to Heaven. The book is obviously fiction but has a "quirky" (most all the characters in the book are quirky-think Mayberry) person's take on heaven when she dies for just a short time and visits heaven. The book is a wonderfully funny read (just a few swear words but it is very clean). I have read all of her books and thoroughly enjoyed them all. Thank you for responding.
Maybe you can try adult conditioner. My daughter SM
has thick curly hair. I would wash it every day. She never did mind my combing or brushing it. You could also try one of those plastic brushes with bristles wide apart.
My daughter is now 32 and does her own hair.
Adult ADD? Never diagnosed but wondering (sm)
So all my life I have been disorganized, first it was papers hanging out everywhere from my notebook, now it is everything in the world stuffed in my purse. My mind wanders all the time. I do transcription but flip back and fourth between here and my work and my e-mail and other things on the net that interest me. And i have to have background noise while I do all this. My house gets very cluttered and than I have to work like a maniac to get it cleaned up but still things are kind of in haphazard places, not really organized. I just always feel overly busy, overly tired, and behind on everything. So....could I have ADD? Or am I just too busy, bored with sitting in front of the computer, and disorganized??
I was actually dxd with adult ADD several years back sm
by a psychiologist. I had symptoms similar to yours and was being treated for depression at the time and sent by my psychiatrist to this person who gave me a computer test and then gave me the same test 6-8 weeks later on medication to see if the results were different - and they definitely were. If I recall correctly it had to do with reaction times and how long my concentration was, etc. The results were a little shocking. I think I knew for years I had it - my oldest son was dxd years ago but it was just kind of lurking in the back of my mind and didn't come forward until I started having serious problems with getting my work done and making a decent living at MT... I finally took medication upped my BP so badly I had to quit. I just try to go with the flow now - I have white noise playing in the background while working, shut my door, note on it not to bother me unless house is on fire, set goals for myself and treat myself with done with work and try hard not to let emails and IMs distract me. I leave all my other chores until the very last minute/second and then rush to complete and am always late and cook everything on high and burn or overdo things as always in a hurry - can't remember all of the other things I do - they have just become a part of me. I did do much better on medication and if I seriously needed again would definitely look into another one.
My very first boxer as an adult had kennel
cough. I rescued her from a pet shop under similar circumstances. She had been there with her brother and her brother died. I refused to let her die in a pet store so brought her home took her to the vet and got her started on medication. The first month was rough, there were nights I just sat in bed and held her, she felt so miserable. She finally got through it and after that rocky start she lived to the age of 13.5 with not another medical problem the rest of her life.
Why don't you be a mom and take care of your daughter until she is an adult? sm
Boyfriend, spoiled, blah, blah. You are her parent. You need to provide her a place to live until she is old enough to do so herself. I would either allow her to move in with you and your boyfriend or I would rent her a place to live. She is not old enough to be expected to find a roommate and pay all her own bills yet. If you had done your job to begin with she wouldn't be spoiled or having such issues.
18 IS legally considered an adult.
x
sounds like you will have to be the adult in this situation as the ex is not ---
and follow the mother's lead - she knows her daughter, she sees/hears the tantrums and probably way more often than you; she is being the adult in the situation as you are, so don't lose it.
food for thought: she was hurting at the funeral. sometimes people put all their hurts in one pocket and never deal with it, never heal. gram died, the pocket opened and out it all came. you may be only one situation she put away for a rainy day.
The nicest adult I know is my BEST FRIEND, because
She still likes me even though she now lives clear across the country and has new friends there. Emails me all the time, and makes it a point to get together when she's in town. She has never ever said anything mean or derrogatory to me or about me. She has also given me moral support when I was depressed, or recovering from surgery. I dont know of ANYONE who doesn't like her. Pretty rare, these days!
I'm also a big fan of adopting ADULT cats!
I don't have the time nor storage space to 'kitten-proof' my tiny, cluttered apartment. I like how quickly an adult cat will come to love me (usually just a couple days - in the case of my current one, about 2 seconds!) Also how quickly they adopt daily routine similar to mine.
They aren't totally non-destructive (I doubt if there is such an animal). One insists on sharpening her claws on my good faux-Persian rug in the living room, pulling little tufts out of it. So I try to keep them well-trimmed. The other one likes to barf up hairballs on the light tan carpet that stains more easily, but those "oxy" types of cleaners work on those.
Other than that, it's just the occasional object they may knock over and break (which I try to keep out of their reach), or the hair everywhere, which is just part of life with any pet.
I agree with the other posters, though - I wouldn't want to live without them, so I guess I'll just have to deal with the occasional mess.
Legally an 18 year old is an adult, so
therefore not a minor, however ethically a teacher should not be messing around with a student.
I knew about 2 happening in adult because
my father was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of approximately 87 or so but it also ran in his family, his mother died years earlier from renal failure, long before dialysis was around. I had always thought with type 1 that was from childhood and the doctor today said it was 1 if it ran in the family. My husband was diagnosed several years before he had to start on medications as he kept under control with diet alone, watching what he eats and not overdoing plus checking blood sugars. Thanks for your input.
I wore them as an adult for 18 months - sm
Nobody likes wearing them, but you will eventually get used to them and what you can and cannot do while wearing them and practically forget they are there. I know I am SO glad I did because I have a pretty smile now and no overlapping teeth. Hang in there!!!! 
I should mention that I am 42, have 2 children and done with having children. nm
nm
You must a) not have children or b) your children are young
I don’t see them as being spoiled- I see lots of kids in the age group of one (30+) who are totally in the me scene, not just the 1 I have- she married and her husband same - a me type person. The other not spoiled but just got nasty when he did not get the money left to me and he thought he should. Just to think, this was my chosen 1 if I had to choose. Oh well, live and let live is the way I see things now.
My dad told me that after 18 I was an adult, but as long as I was under his and my mom's roof th
right to impose a few rules since they were paying the bills. (I could keep all the money I made.) If I didn't want to abide by them I could move out or pay them rent, either one, and then I could come and go as I pleased.
Be strong - your parents should respect you as an adult
Instead it seems like they are treating you like a child, expecting you to cater to their whims.
You can respectfully but firmly say to them that while you appreciate having extra time with them, the plans to go to your in-laws were made long ago and you have to respect them, also.
I'm sure your parents were aware of all this when they changed their plans. Just don't let them guilt you into doing something you will regret.
Stand strong, sista!
Need some adult simple games for Christmas
Played a game called White Elephant before and the group loved. Want something really simple to entertain my lovely guests for that day. We are all over the 50 year range so nothing too involved, heck we could not remember! Thanks!
The nicest adult I know is __________ because they always ___________
 Happy New Year!
The feeling up was when she was a child. The coming on was when she was an adult.
nm
Dear Mother of an Adult Patient
Stop calling me to request prescription refills for your son. If he needs something, HE should call, not you. He is forty years old and fully capable of calling. Also, don't call me on Friday afternoon and ask me to put a Rx up front and then call me this morning and ask if I faxed it to some pharmacy. That's not what you asked me to do. And again... HE should call, not you. Also, calling me three times a day to ask if a company has called me to authorize your son's Rx is annoying. They won't call me. They will....Oh yeah. CALL HIM! Your voice annoys me. It's like screeching birds. In case you didn't get it, which you don't seem to, PLEASE STOP CALLING.
Thanks!
Claiming adult kids on your taxes
Can't you claim your kids on your taxes up until they're something like 25, as long as they're still living with you? Even if they're not going to school?
Where did you get the account of it from? The child with perception issues? Or another adult?
oooo
It wasn't so much that you disagree with giving adult gifts....sm
It is more the way you approached the subject, which was in my estimation very rude and hateful.
That said, I do agree that a lot of people go frantic trying to buy gifts for other people who may or may not appreciate them. However, there are ways of giving that won't bust the budget. I know that I give, not so that I will receive a gift in exchage, but rather as an expression of my love for those close to me. To me, that is part of the spirit of Christmas and is representative of the first Christmas so long ago.
Assuming your daughter is an adult, why make a difference?
a gift in return. If everyone is going to be together when gifts are exchanged, then I get them a little something, even if its a wal-mart gift card.
If they will not be there when you give your daughter and SIL a gift, then I guess you could skip them.
My true opinion is that adults, other than spouse and SO - do not need gifts. We do not buy the adult gifts in our family, but we have a big get together at our house and provide all the fixings and such, that is our gift.
I think an adult coloring book is a great idea...sm,
I think it would be a stress reliever. Coloring is relaxing, it doesn't take concentration, you see your progress, you concentrate but it's more of a meditation trance. You just need the time to do it :-)
I feel your pain. I have a grown adult in my face 24/7.
The man needs a job.. He wants to be with me so he sits/lays behind me a lot of the day until I tell him to do something constructive like clean the house..his job.. As I tell him, you've been assigned a job description, now get on it. I will say that I wouldn't spend three or four hours arguing with him, he knows better. I'll knock his block off. :)
I guess the age threw me. I thought he was in school as an adult. nm
x
you're seriously going to let an adult (male?!) spank your teenage daughter?
nm
need a good free internet adult website/content
my NINE year old was looking at po rn on You Tube today. I walked in on him watching something totally adult. He said he clicked on something and when it came up it was that...i believed him but later on when I looked at the history there were 5 different adult videos he had viewed!!!!! how should I approach this??
Adult photos are legal. FBI stepped in because the sicko had pics of a minor.
x
Poll time - should a 12-17-year-old have adult language CDs and R-rated movies...sm
bought for them? My husband & I disagree on this. Our 15-year-old daughter wants a DVD from a rock group that has the adult language warnings on them and I don't want them to have any of them, but he doesn't see a problem with it. He says she can hear language like that at school but I don't think a kid should own it to listen to the foul mouthed stuff at their own leisure. What do you think?
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