been there, felt that, got counseling
Posted By: missy on 2007-02-14
In Reply to: Help - Disgusted by husband? - Lisa
We had been married about 15 years when I began to feel that way about my husband. We do not have kids, so let me tell you that I had little motivation to even want to try to work on things. Hubby suggested counseling (both group and just the two of us). After about a month of this and reading a few books at home I felt 100% better and those feelings of nearly hating him for no apparent reason went away. We worked hard on communication, which we had let slip over the years, during which time I harbored all kinds of hurts and resentments for things he had no clue were even making me upset, mad, disgusted, you name it. We will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year and cannot be happier, so it CAN be done with hard work. You have first got to put your relationship as priority 1! Please do not just walk away without first trying everything you can!
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Definitely go to counseling!
It worked for my husband and me. I was the one who cheated, ONCE, so the person who says once a cheater always a cheater does not know what they are talking about. Our marriage had been neglected, as it sounds yours has been. Do not give up until you first try counseling. You have to really work at it, but it can be done. We have been married for 25 years now. Good luck to you.
Counseling.
x
counseling
It sounds to me that he is putting on an everything-is-normal face for you with the excited talk of the future but this is how he really feels. I'd try to get him to go to a psychiatrist (so he can be prescribed an antidepressant if he needs it) and let him know that he can go in without you and keep it private, as obviously he doesn't want to talk to you about these feelings. If he knows it is just between him and the psychiatrist then he may be more willing. If he won't go for that maybe at least try taking him to his pediatrician for a trial of an antidepressant just to see how it helps his mood. He may not even need medication but just someone to talk things out. There are also teen suicide lines where then can just talk. He seem like he wants to deal with this privately (to the point of denial) so maybe you can help him get private help.
counseling?
Is the child in any counseling? I have a stepson as well who is (not to this extreme) but has battled with not wanting to eat. We were told it was likely the only thing in his life he could "control" and that's why he did it. He has been in counseling since a young age (court mandated because his mother refused). It has done him a world of good. If nothing else, he always knows he has someone to talk to about anything and not have fear of getting in trouble or embarrassed.
And you need counseling.
dd
Don't worry, after they have counseling
as adults and realize what they went through they will resent her for it and she'll learn the hard way. Happens all the time.
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.
But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.
Marriage counseling
I would encourage you and your husband to try counseling to work this out in a way that each of you will be able to have some of the things you want and need.
If he isn't willing to go to counseling, then your choices are live with it or live without him.
If he won't agree to counseling, then I say get rid of him,
s
credit counseling
I did use one, but in retrosepct I don't think I would do it again. It ends up lowering your payments or your interest a little, but they also charge you a monthly fee - mine was 35.00. All they basically do is pay your bills for you with what you send them. It takes a good 2-3 months to get set up and working and by that time your bills are even more overdue. I think your best solution is to talk to all your creditors and be disclipined about paying to the exclusion of having a life until you are caught up. I finally got out of the hole, but it was hard and seemed like it would never happen. Good luck to you. You can do it.
we are in marriage counseling now....sm
We have been going since the beginning of January. I found out mid December that my husband had been having an emotional affair with a so-called "friend." It has helped us a lot so far, although, we are just now getting to the heart of the "matter/affair." We still have a long way to go but I have hope now that we will work it out.
I hope it works out for you both. Take care.
marriage counseling
if you are both committed to really doing the work and making changes, marriage counseling can be a good thing. Having gone thru it five (yes 5) separate times thru almost 20 years of a "marriage" - it never worked because my ex was never willing to make changes. Every time the counselors approached his hot spots (substance abuse, physical abuse, unemployment, depression) - it was time to "stop seeing these jerks who don't know anything".
I believe honest open communication can overcome almost any issues - infidelity, financial, parenting - and sometimes you do need an outside party to guide you thru. Find a counselor you both feel comfortable with, can easily afford and be willing to give it time.
Go to marriage counseling
My DH and I have been in counseling for about 6 weeks now and already we have made major changes in our relationship. We weren't on the verge of divorce, neither one of us want that, but we were having some major issues that we needed to work through. It has been a true blessing and our counselor is wonderful. Divorce, no matter the reason, is devastating to children. It shakes their world, makes them question everything they've known all their lives. It's a horrible thing for a family to go through, so I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling. I don't know your religious beliefs, but our counselor is a christian-based counselor, so she's incorporating the values God expects in a husband and a wife into our therapy and believe me, it's working wonderfully. We've been married for going on 21 years and wish we would have gone to counseling lots sooner than now. God bless you and I'm praying for you!
Definitely look into family counseling
with or without your husband. Do you think your husband will even want to spend that much time with the children or will he fight for them just out of spite?
My little brother's (not so little anymore, he is now 33) birth father was a lousy father and when he and my step-mother divorced he was a total deadbeat dad. When my parents married my father wanted to adopt my little brother and (sperm donor)would only sign over adoption if he could have visitation rights. My "other" mother agreed because she knew he would never ask to see my brother and she was right.
I wish I could offer more help, but definitely look into cousenling.
school counseling
I know it's the summer, but when school starts back up you might want to look at having him talk to a school counselor. It's free for you and might help him work through some of his feelings, especially the scary ones.
After 6 months of counseling,
the child psychologist couldn't figure it out either. He is angry, but he can't or won't tell us why. I've pretty much chalked it up to "middle child syndrome". He's just one of those kids that demands more attention. I do my best to give that to him without slighting the others.
Private counseling
Go to a private counselor yourself if he won't go. Some of these "ANONYMOUS" programs attract those who do not get it and go around town blabbing your business, ruining your lives even moreso. Yes, they save lives but they often ruin them with their gossip, even the name gossip hisses, it ruins lives, topples marriages, loses jobs. Be sure before you let these people into your personal, private lives and your homes. Sometimes private, closed-door counseling is the best way to go. Then if you are both comfortable with going "public" that is your own personal decision. Beware of who you let into your life. If you were going to take a plane ride you would want to know the pilot.
Well I too have been there,felt that, got OUT : )
x
I know how she felt!
I keep looking behind blinds and checking the windows, etc. I think I will keep looking over my shoulder for quite some time. I just wish I knew how it got in! My step-father got a chuckle out of it, but understands. I asked him tonight if it will ever happen again. He smiled and said, maybe. I said when? He smiled and said . . maybe tonight!!
I felt the same way!
I though the ending was very disappointing! I hope he goes on to write more books about these characters because that will make it worth my while. I read this when it first came out in September. After reading The Quickie, this You've Been Warned left a lot to be desired for sure.
Ha! Most of us have felt that way before, (sm)
but I think there are solutions for everything a dog does.
Cats are the really tricky pets IMO. :oD
How I felt when my Dad did it to me
I will not tell how many years ago this has been, but believe me it has been quite a few. My father believed in spanking, using a hairbrush and using the belt. I had three brothers and we all got a dose of each of this method of discipline, and today it still bothers me and brings me to tears when I think about it. I was not a bad kid, just the opposite, but my younger brother and I did not agree a lot of the time. It is bad enough when any child has that kind of punishment, but when you use this on a girl, I believe it does carry an emotional scar for the rest of your life, and I believe it does not teach your children anything in the way of how to handle problems, and how it must feel when a person in authority in their lives can carry out this inhumane act and it is okay, but let a child rebel in this manner toward someone else and they wonder what is wrong with the child, well we are teaching them this is perfectly acceptable to do, and there is nothing a child can do about it. This is the ultimate form of humiliation for a child, and nothing can justify to me that it is right. I know when my father took a hairbrush and belt to my brother and I, I never felt worse in my life. I felt anger, humiliation and just felt like the most unloved person in this world,and being the age I was I did not think it was appropriate that my father treat me this way, and not especially in front of my brother, who I felt terrible for also. Those chldren also depend on their parents for protection, and when a stranger can be given authority to do this, your child is devastated. Discipline, I believe, belongs at home, and there is a better way than this.
I too felt as you did.
I wanted to address the part about being a hypocrite and eating meat. I felt the same way as you do about this. I was a huge carnivore until I was 38, but always dreamed of being animal flesh free. I then went to an animal rights conference and forced myself to watch the undercover videos of the slaughter houses and that is what it took for me to stop. It was hard but so worth it.
I once heard Alicia Silverstone say something to the effect if you can only eliminate one meat at a time that would be a way to start. But if you can't then you try to help the animals in other ways such as fostering as you tried. Fosterers are heros, I can't do it as I have huge issues about letting them go too like your daughter. We all just need to do what we can do. I haven't given up wearing leather shoes, though want to, but I say I am doing my part and when I can I will. I also still do dairy and hope to one day be totally vegan. Just know that if you are trying and helping to be a voice for the animals that is all you can do and try to move towards a more humane way of life in all areas of your life as you are able.
When people say to me, well the dairy cows are the most cruely treated, why are you eating dairy, I say "I am doing what I can for them at this moment, in the future when I can do more I will, but I am doing my part by eliminating meat. Good luck to you Trose, and thanks for helping the animals.
I felt the same way -- sm
What Harrison (#92) did was wrong. He should have been ejected from the game. Most of my family and friends are Steelers fans and we all felt the same way. I'm happy for the rest of the Steelers. Ben's just a phenomenal QB. I hope Harrison receives some sort of penalty to his wallet for that one.
I must say, though, from the getgo my heart was torn between the 2 teams. I was never a Cardinals fan, but then I read Warner's (QB) story and he just seems like a great guy. I hope he hangs in there for another year. It was reported last night that win or lose he would be contemplating retirement.
I also felt like someone was behind me
and I could not turn to see them. I just knew I was awake, knew 1 time on the couch and even to make myself know I was awake tried counting something, threads in the couch, cracks in the ceiling, who knows, years ago but this is without a doubt the most horrifying thing. I knew a monster was behind me, could not turn to see, could not speak, I hope it never happens again.
I felt the same way about it...sm
I was hoping for something outrageously goofy yet touching, like that musical episode they had a few seasons back.
i'd tell him it's marriage/family counseling
been to counseling, didn't work, does not..sm
This does not mean you cannot seek further counseling throughout one's life.......for whatever a situation is/becomes.......just because it didn't work with the husband, doesn't mean you cannot seek more out for YOURSELF and your children........forget him, he's a lost cause (passive-aggressives often are)....they are nothing but finger-pointers (blamers) and it's never at themselves. It's a waste of time to be with one, you/one merely only loses their self-esteem in those types of *relationships*..........
Best luck!!
time for some marriage counseling?
or at least a long talk with your husband if possible. Not by e-mail! Good luck!
Grief counseling before the fact SM
I am under a lot of stress with an elderly mother who has a grim prognosis. She is 90 years of age and has CHF with another recent hospitalization last week. She is home now, but her doctor called me the day of her discharge and gave me a complete detailed summary of her condition and prognosis. I have been more anxious since the discussion with him, although he is to be commended for his frankness and the sensitive way he handled the situation.
I know counseling is beneficial after we lose someone close to us, but I feel I need some help now just dealing with this now. The only way I can explain how I feel is to say I feel like I am carrying a bomb and not able to put it down. I know what will happen and still not able to prevent the inevitable. The nurse told me last week at the hospital that the normal BNP level is not to be above 50. My mother's BNP this last time was over 4600. The doctor told me the same value on the telephone and told me it almost blew his socks off, in his words exactly. They removed 5 1/2 liters of fluid this admission. She also has chronic renal failure. I am blessed to have her this long, but it makes it no easier to let go. I have such a heaviness in my heart. Thank you for listening.
Credit counseling - some bewares
The ones I talked to when going through a divorce were actually quite high for their fees except for the Christian one and then there were some that they did not work with or would not work with them. That is always a possibility. Also beware when talking directly with the cards or accounts of if any service offers you a "buy out" where you pay so much on the dollar - seems quite cheap -- but when you do at the end of the year they will send you a 1099 showing what amount you did not pay and you have to declare that as "income" on your income tax and thus you will simply pay the government what you did not pay your creditors. Again, talk with the creditors, pick out a plan and stick with it and it might take two to three years but you will be out of debt and you did it. Again, don't promise something you cannot keep. Also remember that there is a 5 to 7 year time line after which they cannot pursue collection of the debt but it is from your last payment and so if you ever think about doing that -- just not paying -- do not ever make a payment as then the 5 to 7 years starts all over again -- heard that on Suzie Orman show. Again, if in clear conscious you want to work with the creditors, they will work with you but you will probably not have credit for a while. You have nothing to lose to talk with them. Good luck. I am sure 90% of us have been there at some time in our life.
Do not do anything else until you attend marriage counseling - sm
You owe it not only to the kids (who did not ask to be born into this) but you owe it to yourselves to seek marriage counseling before just deciding to up and divorce without seeking outside professional help. Until you can say you tried everything under the sun to make it work and can truly walk out the door with no undone and unsaid business with your husband you are not even ready for divorce. Give it a try. I have been down this road before (but for other reasons) and can tell you it turned us around. We are celebrating 25 years this September and have never been happier. Best of luck to you both. 
1. Go back to counseling. 2. Join a SM
divorce singles group. They are all over. Many churches have them.
3. Volunteer. You get to feel good about yourself and get to meet other people.
Good luck. I've been there.
uhh...that should be "suggested leaving"...not counseling...nm
Here is why you DO NOT take an abuse spouse like this to counseling sm
BTDT a couple of times. He manipulated the whole thing to his "issues" with me.
He told counselor: She makes me angry. Counselor looks at me: Why do you feel the need to make him angry?
He told the counselor: I don't like her looks. Counselor asks me: I have you considered getting some help with your weight and looks (umm 140 at 5Ə"??? Where was the problem?)
He told the counselor: She makes this marriage about the kids instead of making it about me...I make all the money...I do all the work (never housework)...and she sits on the couch and eats bonbons all day (what is a bonbon?). THIS MARRIAGE NEEDS TO BE ABOUT ME and what I want, NOT about the kids. Counselor: Why do love your kids so much and why can't you put him first?
LOUSY counselor. I went to another one on my own who said: You may not have bruises, but you are being abused. I know the situation you are in and he forbids you to work and it isn't like you actually have the time. It may take you some time to choose to get out. So, lets focus on ways for you to be stronger until you can walk out the door. HE didn't get any better HE got worse as I started to develop a backbone.
So to all those who say go to counseling, stay in it, learn to be stronger, don't let his words hurt you...YOU ARE FULL OF IT. You all may like being treated the way that DONE is, but I don't. I am a person too, as is DONE. Anyone I might ever be with needs to think I am so wonderful, special, lovely, kind... you name it, they could not stand NOT to be with me. DONE'S husband is telling her, essentially...you okay I guess, but not that great. Plus which, you can't do anything the way I think it should be done. You don't have feelings because you are average looking and this marriage is all about me. Toro poo poo.
Some of you are not very bright, I am sorry to say, but there it is.
Talk to him about it. If need be, seek counseling. Don't
zz
I felt nauseous until about 1 p.m. every day (sm)
and that lasted about the first three months. What really helped me was sucking on peppermints. I did this with both pregnancies and it was the only thing that made me feel better.
Congratulations and good luck to you!
When I had trouble, it felt like a really...sm
sharp, hard pinch along my sternum. I was given Motrin. I did have a workup first before the doctor decided on costochondritis - EKG, treadmill, echo. I do have mitral valve prolapse.
Well I'm sure she'd do the cooking if she felt up to it.
We can't decide for others when they are going to throw a party, though she seems to be thrusting one on you!
Poor kid.... I felt bad for him
I agree that he surely didn't measure up vocally to the others. He seems like a nice kid, though, and even most adults couldn't take being talked about the way he has been. I really felt for him up there. I hope he has a lot of fun when they're on tour. I think he's going to be getting the biggest reaction from the crowds.
Yeah, I felt bad for him too.
I think his tears showed just how much pressure he's been under all these weeks. He never did anything wrong. It was the judges who let him through that started this mess. He is just a kid after all wanting like all the other contestants to win. While I'm glad he's gone, I still don't wish him any ill will. Just those idiots at Vote for the Worst. They've got to go!
The ONLY one I have ever felt for in their case is....
Years of therapy due to what both of her parents have done. THEY have done it - nobody else - and the child is COMPLETELY innocent at 11....
In these cases, it's only the children who suffer...and these 2 nutcases should definitely know better, not like they are ill-educated and/or ignorant throughout the life.
Evidently they both need parenting classes and anger management classes....they have both created a very bad emotional situation for their daughter and personally she should probably be removed from their homes (possibly placed with a grandparent or some other relative) until these 2 nutcases CHOOSE to get themselves together.
You did what you felt you had to do at the time SM
and I wish the very best for you and your family now. I think you did the right thing by reaching out. I am sure in so many ways he misses you as well. It may take some time, but I think this will have a happy ending. Try to take it one day at a time and rest assured in what you have done by reaching out.
LOL! I felt the same way. I thought SM
there for a minute she was gonna fall off that
HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!!! 
Wow -- after that post -- I actually felt
like I just got a massage. My hubs bought me a GC for a massage this past spring but I haven't used it yet. I'm waiting until a little closer to the holidays when I'll probably need it the most. At least now, I don't feel so funny about getting it.
I felt the same way about Rose.
She got stuck with a crappy group and had to pay for it. I liked voice and her a lot.
I have long felt
that all of these things should be legalized and controlled but available. The drugs should be available through drug outlets (so the safety could be controlled), prostitution should be licensed (so that health can be safe-guarded), all should be taxed and produced by licensed manufacturers (to ensure save procedures).
Laws should prohibit driving or performing any critical function while under the influence (many drug-users would have to accept that it takes longer to get past those affects than it does for alcohol (according to current research), minors must still be restricted from their use. At least some of the money realized from the taxes and the license fees should be devoted to helping people to stop using any of these things and an educational program should be undertaken to truthfully explain the hazards of usage.
I don't enjoy drugs (including marajuana and alcohal) and would never look forward to not being in complete control of my actions. I don't want my friends to use them either. But to forbid it is not reasonable and only encourages those who are determined, to break the law and undulge in practices that are even MORE unsafe because there is no one to oversee that they are properly done.
I feel pretty darned good, all on my own and perfer to handle that end myself.
I moved from CA to WA and I felt very...
welcome. Maybe it is more perception than anything, but I miss my Washington neighbors very much since I left. They were great people.
Anyone had any experience with Credit Counseling services?
I am in a bad situation. I had my house foreclosed on last year but it was in a prior bankruptcy, that is good. But we had to let our car go back, which was in my husband's name and now they are hounding us over paying it back...they are saying 11k but if we give them 6k that would settle it. Like we told them, if we had 6k we would not have let the car go back in the first place. Plus we have several doctor bills. We lost it all due to my health all of a sudden. No place to turn, no one to ask. Wanting to get out lives back. Wondering if anyone has had experience with Credit Counseling and if they really do speak with creditors, get what you owed cut in half and help you out of a bad situation.
Thanks....
I went with consumer credit counseling. After my divorce I had
$18,000 worth of credit card bills to pay off. My ex filed bankruptcy but I did not want to do that. I was doing okay with the bills, but CCC told me they could get the rates lowered and paid off in 5 years. It would take twice that long at my minimum payments. I paid off 6 months early and just bought a house. You just have to be disciplined. They only let you keep 1 credit card. Believe me, it is worth it in the end.
We start marriage counseling tonight
And I'm a little apprehensive. I've never done any kind of counseling before, so don't really know what to expect. We're having some issues that we just cannot resolve on our own and I am very hopeful that a counselor can help us sort through them. Anyone ever been to marriage counseling and would care to share their experience? 
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