Why is it selfish to have a child and not be making
Posted By: TM on 2006-11-08
In Reply to: Please, nowadays many can't *afford* them - sm
at least 100,000 a year? Are you serious?!
We have 2 children and do not make quite that on combined salaries, but are very blessed in what we do have. Our children are happy and participate in activities outside the home, are well taken care of and have all the things they need and most of what they want. Last time I checked, having a kid and keeping them happy wasn't about keeping up with the Joneses. That is a warped sense of belonging that too many people have nowadays. Parents too who then pass it on to their kids. It's quite sad, really.
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Yes, he's being selfish. When
my Toyota was 15 years old, still running well, but my DH had had 3 new cars in the meantime, when I complained, he quickly switched cars with me and let me drive his newer one. Then a deer hit him in it and totalled it, but he probably drove it for a year. I didn't even have a child to consider. Sounds like your DH is hung up on his image or something, but if you want his conscience to kick in, you might want to avoid yelling about it. If he "forgets," just quietly ask again, gently reminding him he wouldn't want the car to break down, leaving his wife and child stranded.
Selfish
How is it selfish to want to make sure he does not have anymore children? She said that he does not want more children, no matter what happens.
Are you being selfish? The only one being selfish in this sm
is HIM! I am sooooo sorry about this. I wish you were close to me (Columbus, GA area), because we have a very strong support group-system in our church (a very large church with overe 7,000 members) and I know some women going through what you are going through right now.
Your husband doesn't seem to understand that love is not a feeling but a committment. I don't "feel" love for my husband every day - in fact, he does 1 or 2 things that repulse me; BUT, I would never just leave him because I just didn't love him anymore.
Another point is this: Flames and love can be rekindled, no matter what people think. It truly can. I saw a couple get re-married and this woman wanted absolutely nothing to do with her ex anymore. I just saw them recently at a pizza place and they were very happily in love.
Your husband needs help. He has a family and a wife.
But if there is absolutely no way for reconciliation and your closest relative is 20 miles away, then too bad for him. He will make an effort to see those precious kids - remember, this is his doing and not yours. If this is where your family is and they will welcome you and your children, then you must go there. email me if you need anything!
I think this is his selfish way
of trying to keep your daughter from having friends over. It makes me think he wants to do his own thing on the weekends, and is upset that his weekend is taken over by other plans.
If he won't be generous and nice in front of company, then it seems like he needs to go off and do stuff with his buddies when your daughter wants to do something with friends over. He doesn't seem to care about anybody's feelings but his own, so he's not making an effort to make everybody comfortable.
So start by talking to him and asking questions about why he acted that way, and discuss your expectations for offering hospitality to guests. Maybe he's never had any training and has no common sense in the area?
Am I being selfish?
I'm having to undergo some medical testing and my husband has offered to come with me. Now, when he's having medical problems he wants me there and I'm always happy to accompany him. But when I'm getting testing or in the hospital I don't want anybody around. I want to concentrate on what I have to do and not feel like I need to entertain anyone or make conversation, etc. Does anybody else feel this way? I feel like I must be abnormal or something. I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I ask him not to come.
Not selfish at all
I think whatever makes you feel more comfortable is what you should do. I think that if you explain it to him the way you just explained it to us he should understand. I'm sure he wants to go to be supportive of you because you are for him, but probably would be happy to do whatever you want. I wish my husband would come for things like that with me but he will not.
IVF is selfish....
With the over-population in the world, I really do not see why in-vitro and any kind of fertility enhancement is necessary. Why is it when someone cannot conceive naturally but wants a baby soooo badly, everyone bends over backwards to accommdate. There are people who would love to have a liver transplant, heart transplant, reconstructive surgery, but I don't see anyone being catered to for those reasons. I really am hesitant to say this, but I will, and that is that anyone who would go through IVF procedures and spend that much time and money (or insurance money) to satisfy their need to bring a human being into the world for their sheer pleasure, in my opinon, would not be ideal parents anyway. It sounds simply selfish and narcissistic. And I would not want to be a child conceived in vitro. Just my opinion. Attempts to convince me otherwise are welcomed. Maybe I'm missing something. And the fact that insurance is paying for IVF is just wrong, totally wrong.
I don't think IVF is selfish for those that truly need it - sm
my sister-in-law and brother were fertility challenged. It took her two years to get pregnant the regular way. My brother having a low sperm count did not help the situation either. She then had a myriad of family issues come up with her parents and put off trying to have another child for 5 years or so. Again, she just could not get pregnant. They finally went to a fertility clinic and they tried everything possible but IVF as their insurance would not pay for it. They still ended up putting out tons of money for what insurance would not cover. (so not everyone's insurance will pay for IVF) She still never conceived after drugs, daily injections, ovulation kits, etc. They tried for 2-3 years again with no luck. At this point she was 47/48 (My brother is 5 years younger) or so and they gave up. She really wanted another child but will obviously have to content herself with the one she has. I am sure it does not help her to hear that, well at least you had the one baby, many don't even have that....which is true of course, but she was very depressed for a long time while she came to terms with it. I just wish she had started trying again sooner, as I think she would have had a better chance then, since she had age and fertility issues against her as it was. But thankfully my newphew is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders and they are my kid's legal guardians as well if my DH and I are ever killed/die together, so I know they have a good family to go to if ever necessary.
Why are men so selfish?
I get so sick and tired of my husband never listening to what I want to do. It is always his way or the highway. Last April, we lost our home and were foreclosed on. Our credit is ruined. The place we are living at now is in my MIL's name. The lease is up next month. My husband wants to move again. He says he doesn't like it here. (He does not like anywhere we live.) Our 2 year anniversary is next month and we have already lived in 3 different places. I am so sick and tired of moving. He cannot be satisfied. I told him last night that I think we should stay here for another year so that it will give me time to rebuild our credit up some and save up money for us to move. He still wants to move. I told him we are not going to have enough money to pay for a deposit and the 1st month's rent. (I can never save any money with him because he spends soooo much) He said well i guess we will just have to go without for a while. Or he always wants to rely on his mom. I told him that I don't want to depend on her. So then he told me, "Well, I AM moving." So that is that i guess. I have to do whatever he wants even though my plan is a lot safer and makes more sense. His mom does not want to help us this time. Can we rent a place when we both have terrible terrible credit? Have any of you had to deal with this? I just want to strangle my husband. He is so spoiled and selfish and never ever listens to me.
you are selfish
you are offended because you are selfish. Stop taking your own emotional temperature so often, turn off the computer and go talk to your son.
How is she selfish?
I think what she did was so unselfish...her husband beat her, that situation in itself is not good for children to be around ever...her husband clearly has other things to "DO" and has not called the children since she left...like I said you obviously have no children or you would have a tad bit of sympathy...
Should say the child found in Florida proved to be the Caylee child, homicide.
NM
Unless the husband is a very selfish - sm
SOB, he will understand that the child comes first. Yes, I agree you should not neglect your husband by giving all your time and attention to the child, but at the same time he must understand that when you do have free time, you won't be using it to massage his ego (or wherever else) as you will probably be too tired. Taking care of a baby is very tiring though it is not hard unless you have a colicky baby. What little time you do get to yourself (when they nap) you will probably nap yourself (I did sometimes) as you will be beat. Yes, your relationship will change with your husband, and some get weirded out by seeing their child be born and won't get near you for a while; Freud could explain it. Mine got a bit weird but it only lasted a couple months; he was much better the second time around (plus he did not see #2 be born so I think that helped); he was home taking care of #1; mom was with me. Both my husband and I put the kids first, though lately (finally) we have been trying to get out more on our own now that they are older (7 & 9); so we have the occasional date now (once every 3 months or so) which is crucial to maintaining your relationship though I'd recommend more often if possible (i.e. once or twice a month would be nice). I would not overly worry about that aspect of things, just keep your common sense and you will be fine.
He is selfish, that's why, and will not change! nm
/
You sound very selfish.
You wouldn't be where you are today without her, so deal with it. It's your own guilt you're dealing with. My mother had two hips and two knees done and I helped her every time all while working on-site part-time and at home part-time with two little ones. Well, she died 2 years ago, and I miss her so. My kids miss her more. I only wish I could have her interrupt me one more time so I could thank you for all she's done.
Selfish parents
People are selfish these days...no one wants to be bothered with their own kids...and before you think I am TOO old, I am only 49 with 18 and 24 year old sons. I've been involved in all their things all their lives...that is why I had children. A DD too sounds like she resents having to help her children with homework and extracurricular activities. That is the price you pay for the joy of raising your children...get over it. My dh and I have been active in our kids sports and school all their lives and it just shocks me at how many people give their 8-10 year olds $20 and tell them go play somewhere while they are out at a hockey rink, or school gym and these are the kids causing trouble or running around like banchees. Someone could snatch them up at any time and then they'd be wringing their hands and crying. Also I'm shocked that kids cannot make change without a calculor or don't know how to spell or read very well. Before my kids started kindergarten they knew their numbers, colors, letters, could print their name and could read some words, because my husband and I spent the time with them to teach them, spent time WITH them. that is what you do when you're a parent...sorry but this is my biggest pet peeve about parents today.
You are not selfish at all, but I would say to wait (sm)
Wait until you know if you want children or not. You really should not get married, no matter how much you love this guy, until you know the answer to that. Because it is a very important factor. If he wants children and later you realize you do not, that will be a big, big, big stumbling block in your marriage and one that neither one can honestly give in on. For me, I was late 20s and suddenly every time I saw a Pampers commercial I would cry because I wanted a child so badly. LOL! I don't think that happens to everyone who wants to be a parent though! :) Just picture yourself 10 years from now...do you want to be pursuing your career heavily? Do you want the responsibility of children? Do you see them as a job or a gift? If you can visualize yourself 5 or 10 years from now, you can see what you want. Meanwhile...go to a nursery at church or to a friend's house who has babies and spend some time with them, hold them and play with them and see if you feel the urge to have some of your own. If not, it is not selfish at all, it is just how you feel and what you want. But to marry him knowing that he wants children when you are not sure if you do would be definitely a selfish thing to do. Try to figure that out before you tie the knot. Best wishes to you :-)
I hate that selfish
crap
My first thought is that it is kind of selfish
that you would not do it just in case something happens with the two of you and you want more children. What if something happens and his next wife wants more children, even though he says now HE doesn't? Just my observation :)
That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. nm
nm
I agree...not selfish at all..we have all felt like that at one time or another..
although some of us probably don't want to admit that...glad she vented to us and not her mother...
Her mother is a selfish woman who wants nothing but her deceased daughter's money....
she was booed at her daugther's funeral because she tried to stop the whole thing, once again, while they were in the procession of going to the chapel...she is a horrid woman as far as i am concerned...i feel bad that she lost her daugther and grandson but other than that she can crawl back under the rock that she came out of...
I'm having a hard time understanding having a baby for selfish reasons...
My older sister feels the same way and doesn't want kids.
As I pointed out above, I'm being selfish by wanting my alone time and doing my own thing and not having to care for someone else.
but watching my little sister be a mother, it is one of the most SELFLESS acts I've ever seen.
So I guess I'm confused at how come you point out that it is selfish... just because you love babies doesn't make you selfish to have them. and of course it's "necessary" or we as a human race would be over ;)
I just feel like being a mother is the toughest job in the world... so I don't know how to combine selfish with that. I do see your point in a way that we want something to love, but I just look at it as being a family... I want a family. I know there are people who are content on their own... but I guess your point would be "WHY" do i want that family? I can't answer that in specific terms.
I guess it's to share the love that me and him have with a child or children some day... to expand our happiness. well i guess that is selfish. ha.
I'm glad you are such a good mom. I don't know what I'd do without mine.
I think you are making way too much of it.
My BF of 9 years calls me that all the time when, in fact, it just the opposite--he is my "sugar daddy." If he is worth it, just let it go. People are way too sensitive these days about things.
It is almost making me cry as well now.
 as time approaches. I loved that little Tux cat. I am going to have to get mama cat fixed. I think this is too hard.
If you are not making the $$$ you need
then you double up on jobs, and jobs that will pay, not sitting around waiting on work to come thru. I up until 2004 worked 2 jobs for years and years, for a safety net and both of those would qualify for full time, weekends included. I have now done MT longer than you so I guess I might know jack squat about what I am saying. I never got evicted, never did without food, kept a car, home and everything by myself because I did work so much. Why in the world are you making peanuts working 10-12 hours per day? I know the pay was more years ago, I understand that but if the job is not taking care of your needs, then a person needs to do something else.
Thank you for not making me feel so alone.
Glad your son has quit.
I will have mine read articles and will find pictures on line to show him. I do not think he has a clue as to what can happen to him if he continues this. Like I said he is only 18 and to think about many many years of this is very scary.
He says he wants to quit. I hope he means it and I will help him as much as I can.
I also was surprised by this since he has been so athletic. He always made statements about how he hated the smell of smoke and would never smoke cigarettes. I guess he thinks this is okay and won't do him any harm.
He started over the summer, so I hope it will be easier to quit than to have this go on for years. I will speak to his doctor and dentist also. May be they can help.
Thanks again for your concern. It it good to talk to someone who has been through this. Enjoy the Holidays.
Making candles
I had heard that you can save up the scrap wax from candles in glass jars, melt all of them down and put them back in the containers, adding a wick and scent such as cinnamon. So, I've been saving my containers with the bits of leftover candles. Anyone know how one goes about doing this? Is it possible to do this?
THANKS!
Any parents here making a
to only have one child..? We're seriously considering not having any more..One is PLENTY OF WORK AND LOVE!!
Thanks for making me giggle! nm
!
Thanks for making me laugh!
Cute post! Yes, it is yucky, but you made me laugh this morning. Thanks!
Thanks, for making me laugh.
This is so terribly hurtful. I guess you guessed it is my sister. We have had a history of ups and downs our whole life. I am the one to just let the hurt and hard feelings go to try to have peace. I will try to grin and bear it . . showing some teeth at times. Hope I can do it.
Thank you all for making me feel
a little better about this. I would NEVER get rid of my cats. Once an animal comes into my home, it's for life. I would probably send my husband packing before the cats :)
Mine is just making me sad
When I first got my little boy he and his brother could not stay out all night. They wanted to come into my bedroom and jump on me so I gave them their own bedroom. I made sure they had all the catty things little guys need and tucked them in each night with food, litter box, their treats, whatever. They are past that stage and now know how to behave and I leave them to have the house when I turn in for the night. My little boy now sits right outside his old bedroom and meows. He looks under the door - I keep that closed off now after cleaning up after them - but he knows that is where he stayed when just a small guy and he cries. So pitiful!
Thank you so much! You're making me cry!
I have learned that this is the true meaning of Christmas - giving. There's no greater feeling than watching a child open a present or an older person whose family has forgotten them. That's what Christmas is about for me. God bless you, too! Have a very merry Christmas!
MAKING??? Isn't he a grown man? (nm)
x
You might be right about Him not making trash.
Seems like she has done a good enough job by herself, oh, and her mother right along there. I have said for sometime she was really sick, desperately needing help, needing the attention or else she would not be putting herself in situations such as showing her behind - you nor I have made her do these things- she does these on her own. If her face plastered everywhere, again did you or I do that? Don't think so. She has needed psychiatric help for ages. The part where she cut off her head was a very telling point, same as self abuse. Anyone who has typed psychiatric work before knows about this. Same as multilating yourself and there is another celeb out there who does this, initials LL. This make get taken off the board, I hope not because is truthful. She has been crashing for some time. I wondered when the kids were going to be taken completely out of her care. This should have been done a long time ago for their safety, only supervised visits. Well, guess someone finally saw clear on that. After this required 72 hours of hospitalization she will make the choice to leave, I am sure and it will be a shame. She loves the limelight, though. She is really pitiful.
Yes, you are making the right decision (sm)
I was days away from making that decision myself with my old 20 year old baby, but she took the decision out of my hands, and I am grateful for that. Maybe your baby will too. If not, then she trusts you to do it for her. Hugs.
I think you are making her point, actually.
You describe the "wear their exhaustion as a badge of honor" syndrome.
But I don't think we have it easier that other generations. I don't think we have it harder. It's just relative to the times, roles, etc.
And just because your mom sucked it up, others moms may have not. Mothers' little helpers were a lot easier to get back in the day, trust me, and the kids never even knew...
Yep, a lot is what we decide as women, but you can't just wake up one day and decide you're going to take control. Once in a cycle of self-abuse or whatever one wants to call it, it's a very hard cycle to break, possible, but not easy...
we are and i am making things
finally got my stuff organized and am knitting/crocheting things for people. They may not want what i make but hey, lol.
Candy making
I use chocolate bark to dip with. I do know you have to watch the humidity outside. If the humidity is high, the chocolate will not set, but you can put it in the refrigerator to get it to set. Have fun!!
candy making
Aww, my favorite time of year. You can freeze your candy and it will still be good until Christmas. I make chocolate and peanut butter fudge and freeze it. As a matter of fact, it is really good frozen, takes longer to eat, just melts in your mouth. I have to disguise the candy in the freezer, otherwise people will pick at it and it will be gone by Christmas. YUM!
now you are making sense! sm
I am not being mean, just trying to get you to think! Now you will have to call a domestic abuse person in your state or an attorney and ask what you have to do. BUT if you truly are scared, you can go to a "safe house" tell them your story and I guarantee they will help you. Explain what you have said that you thought you hd waited too long. Also tell them what the cop told you years before. They hve heard it all. I am just trying to get you to leave before its too late. Sometimes it takes a rough push but you CAN do it and do well. Don't ever get it in your head there are no options. There are always options nad always hope as long as there is breath and life!
You are making a lot of generalizations...
and until you know someone's situation, you can only speculate. As far as name brands, should there be a law that those on food stamps can only buy dented cans without labels, bruised fruit, and out-of-date dairy products? Lighten up a bit and don't look down your nose at others...you may be in the same situation some day. Have a little compassion for those not as fortunate as you.
What about making a quilt? s/m
If you feel that you cannot wear them, then possibly select some of your favorite outfits that have memories and have someone make a quilt out of them. Then whenever you are missing her, wrap yourself in the quilt and it will feel like she is giving you a hug...
So sorry for your loss.
you are not making a big deal out of it
Does he have an IEP? What she did is a real problem. Huge. You need to have an advocate at that meeting.
personally I think you are making sm
up most of this stuff to get a fight started. But in case you aren't, I really feel sorry for you. A person who only cares about the "things" they have and can accumulate is a very very sad miserable being.
Its very obvious that you do not like people, are very unfriendly and only care about what you can get. I have news for you, it won't be going with you when you leave this world and the things don't keep you company either. you are pathetic!
The fence did not cause the dog to die. The owner did by not making sure
the batteries were changed on a regular basis. The fence and the dog are blameless. The only one who had any control over the situation dropped the ball....poor dog.
Making MY list and checking
I also made a list for my hubby. He is a sweetie, though and last year it was diamond ring, the year before diamond bracelet, the year before gold necklace and this year I made not only things for me but also things I wanted around the house. He bought me gold earrings, a bling watch and some snuggles for my feet (he says he has heard me say my feet get cold). Love that man with a passion!!
you and above you ARE making FUN of obese people.
Not all overweight people are overweight due to an EATING problem any more than ALL people in hospitals have diabetes either. You just cannot seem to comprehend that sometimes being over weight comes from other variables, and that your opinions and comments are very condescending to those that do have those afflictions. You have closed small minds and judgemental attitudes towards the overweight. YOUR overweight problem may not be the same as the next persons, but you only see yours, so that is the ONLY truth. blind...so blind.
Now you're making me hungry and I have not even
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