What would you do if your grown child told you
Posted By: Mother talking here on 2009-05-19
In Reply to:
she felt like she had to walk on egg shells to be around you? Would you a) not be around her very much or at all or b) try to change who you are to fit in with what shethinks you should be like or c) just forget what she said? We are talking a 36 year old and I, her mother, on the other side of 65.
Complete Discussion Below:  marks the location of current message within thread
The messages you are viewing
are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select
the boards given in left menu
Other related messages found in our database
I had a grown child and was employed (in this great
x
what 'stories' were you told as a child that you
My son was here earlier, and was telling us how in health class one of his classmates said his grandpa told him that buggers were actually little pieces of the MOTHER bugger, that blocked the passage to the brain, that was why teachers did not want kids to pick their noses, their brains would fall out. This was in Jr High, and the kid still believed it. We never told our kids stuff like that, but I do remember my mom told me if I itched my bites on my legs I would get sick, so my older sister told me I would get cancer if I itched them. I had an aunt that had recently died of cancer, so it really freaked me out, and I layed in bed all night crying that I was dying. My mom was pretty mad at my sister for that one!!
I was told by a child I was doing drugs --
because that is what they were teaching in elementary school.
Where are the rights of the child being told she has
as
Should say the child found in Florida proved to be the Caylee child, homicide.
NM
This man's ego has grown so much it is
getting ready to bust and then he will realize his show has had its run and it is time to go away. I do think that for Ivanka to be so young she carried herself very well and had very intelligent things to say.
Grown and
several years ago.
if they are so grown then maybe they could
get out on their own?? Just a thought. It is the mothers home, not theirs and she pays to be the boss and therefore is. If kids so grown, let them have at it.
He's a grown-up man and obviously sm
sees a lot in you. I can understand your apprehension (BTDT), but you could possibly miss out on the best friend you could ever have. Enjoy his company, and enjoy a good life. Life is too short!
all grown up
If you work you can find a nice apartment even if your credit is poor. Everyone's credit is poor. Find yourself somewhere great to live and then tell him he is welcome to come if he wants. Then, go live your life!! It's hard to do, but, NO, not all men are selfish.
when they are grown and won't sm
follow the rules of the house then you have to make them get out on there own. I have two sons. We had to make both of them leave. The only rules we had were if you are not coming home, let us know. I always told them to give me a "ballpark" time when they would be home and if they were not going to come home then, just call me. I didn't really ask where they were at, kind of silly for 20 year old boys and they can tell you anything. But, for their own safety I told them always let someone know when you are NOT coming home. They didn't want to go by those rules and threw fits and we had to put them both out (not at the same time of course, they are different ages). The youngest is now a firefighter (32 years old), married, has his own business on the side. The oldest has his own business, lives out of state. They both did very well.
I see too many 40 year old kids living at home sponging off mom and dad and will never get anywhere doing that. It is a pattern they just keep doing over and over again.
Now if they are in school and doing well, working or not working depending on the school situation, I would not put them out UNLESS they didn't follow my rule and then I would not care if school was involved or not. I think this is why we have so many kids who will not grow up because we enable them to be this way. Just my opinion though. I didn't say it was easy, but it is necessary.
My son is NOT being childish. He is more grown up
And, since you mentioned it, both of my brothers are felons. One is already in the pen and the brother that my son does not want at the wedding will soon be going to the pen for what else - 3 counts second degree sexual assault. So, do you still think our son is childish?????? Not sure how you got the childish portion out of the original post to begin with!!!
As you said, you are grown as is he. Let it be. Is he questioning her sm
or her motives? It is not your place at all to say anything to your father about his impending wedding, honeymoon, etc. Now, if she was taking his money, squandering, etc., and not marrying him then that's another story. She obviously loves him and he loves her, so wish them well, be sweet and happy for him and move on with your own life.
I can sense your bitterness and you need to cut that out of your life. It's counter productive to be bitter and resentful. And, the Bible says it clearly: Bitterness rots your bones.
MAKING??? Isn't he a grown man? (nm)
x
Grown Children
True, not all families are the Cleavers. However, your tone comes accross very unloving towards your children. I find that sad. My oldest son (29) died in an accident. Open up and let your children get to know you before it is too late. Don't sweat the small stuff. Life is simply too short.
Lilly
I have always grown veggies - sm
And this year it looks like doing so will really pay off! I mean, for a few dollars I can get enough plants to cover my 100 sq feet of raised beds and really make a dent in the cost of produce, which we eat a lot of. Happy gardening! 
She is a grown woman and all you
can do is invite her and leave it at that.
my dear grown up former
Dear Son,
Remember when I carried you on my hip everywhere we went until you weighed 50 pounds? I still have a lopsided left arm and body. People would say to me, "when are you going to let him walk?" and I would say, "If I put him down, he will run off!"
Remember when I could not carry you anymore and you would take off in Sam's Club running and laughing just to see the look of horror on my face running after you, abandoning my cart?"
Remember how I had to buy an extra large pet harness at Pet Smart in bright purple and I put you in that leash whenever we were out in public?
Look at you now! All grown up and handsome and not one little trace of a leash! I love you, I would have taken 12 more just like you, I miss playing with you, and I am lucky to be your mom. You taught me all I ever wanted to know about glass replacement, first aid, and laughing until I peed my pants.
Love, Mom
No, my children are both grown and I am not particularly fond
of home schooling. I think it deprives the children of much-needed social interaction and learning to get along in the real world. 
Just wait until those roots have grown out
nm
does anyone besides me have a bad relationship with a grown daughter or son?
with one of your grown-up kids, or is it only me? My oldest daughter and I do not get along, never did. I love her, but am not sure if I like her. She is very selfish and self centered and it's all about her. Everyone else see's it but her. Of course, there's a lot more to it, but last night she sent me a letter saying basically she's done with me.....not sure at all where this is coming from. I really, really don't need this right now. So, is anyone else in any kind of a similar situation with an adult child? She's 38.
You are talking about grown-a.. folks
By goodness, you do not even see where you are going wrong, do you? What happens if you die suddenly? Do you think they would starve, I doubt it. They would get off their lazy behinds and make do. Why don’t you just let them move in on you and make it 1 big happy home? I do not just dole out money without a person trying to help themselves. You are making them both invalids but wait, you still have the grandkids to go. Lucky you. Don’t gripe when you are to blame for their not working and trying to live on their own. Look in the mirror.
"Romance novels" are all grown up now
Nora Roberts and Debbie Macomber are current faves of mine. Nora's books are a little more intense for the most part, Debbie's more funny and lighthearted. Yeah, they've got the requisite happy endings, but they're good fun reads for the most part, particularly Debbie's books.
My kids are grown, and I do NOT miss it!
I love my children, but bringing them up was the longest, hardest work that I ever did. The sheer exhaustion from never getting enough sleep made everything seem more difficult. But, we all came through it, and the payoff is the amazingly wonder relationships my children, husband and I have with each other as adults. We enjoy each other's company, and I'm so full of pride whenever I see my boys out in the world doing things on their own. After all, that was our goal all along... to raise up fine, responsible adults.
So I don't miss it, but I'm glad I did it. It was worth it. And my husband and I did a great job, if I do say so myself!
Our children are grown, our only grandchild is due to be
born tomorrow and we all talked about it and this year we are only going to buy 1 gift per person (except for the new grandson). So, our budget will be very small this year and, for once, I am actually not stressing about Christmas.
Yeah, well if he was grown up enough to take care
of your 5-year-old daughter, maybe you should have sent him to work. The nerve, a 13-year-old boy making his mommie work two jobs to support him.
Isn't that depending on welfare, too?
You are a joke. If I were a doctor, I would make sure you had a rubber room. By the way, making your son stay home and take care of your daughter was wrong. If you are as old as you say, it was wrong back then, as I am 37 and it was a big no no.
Nowadays, it is child neglect in a lot of places as 13 is expected to take care of no one but themselves for a long period of time.
For a grown woman you seem very dependent on
xx
Absolutely. I've known from age 9 (having grown up in --
a large family and the pandemonium that can be), that I wanted a quieter life than that. I like KIDS, but have never much cared for infants. They make me way too nervous. All that screaming they do overrides my Prozac level, and brings on homicidal thoughts. ;D
my kids aren't grown yet, but
I definitely would not put up with the 19-yo. He can get out and get a job. As for your daughter, I feel for her b/c she has kids. I'm not sure that I'd let her move in, though. She should look for some place cheaper to live. Offer to keep her kids for a day while she house hunts or apartment hunts. I also understand what she's going through with childcare expense. How old is the child she's asking you to watch this summer? Is he/she old enough to entertain himself -- 10 or 11? -- old enough to fix himself a lunchmeat sandwich and watch TV? If so, then I think if you could, you should consider watching him over the summer. $250 may not seem like much, but if she's able to find somewhere cheaper to live, it could be the difference between living on her own or moving in with you.
Obviously, you are under no obligation to help either of your children, but I suspect this situation bothers you because you care for them greatly. Maybe a compromise could work to benefit both of you. Good luck!
I have seen young girls as well as grown women
behaving like this. My goodness, this young female apparently was so excited about seeing these stars- I probably would have been the same at her age, in fact as a young girl years and years ago remember meeting Sal Mineo who starred with James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause- I got to shake his hand and remembered not wanting to wash it again. What about the ladies throwing their panties to what is his name, Ingelbert Humperdink (spelling?) when he played in Las Vegas. I see nothing out of the ordinary in this young girls actions, not in the least. Seen it a lot of times in my lifetime.
We are talking about a 5-y/o here not grown wacko adults - sm
so it is not a diaper fetish. Odds are the child is looking for attention and as stated in numerous posts wants to be the baby again and have all the attention. If the mom can, she needs to spend some 1:1 time with her 5-y/o, maybe at bedtime, story reading, or just talking, or take him down to the corner store and leave the younger one at home with dad, etc. Anything really, just spent 15-30 minutes a day that is his time with him mom alone. I wouldn't get freaked about it. I have 2 girls and the one loves to play with her nipples and stroke her tummy. She is 7 and just exploring sensation at this point. I told her it is okay to do but in private, not in public. I am not making a big issue out of it; not that it is a big issue to begin with.
No glad my kids are grown and out of home...
Anyone who thinks their kids are bad - well get this 3 BROTHERS here 10, 12 and 14 charged with crimes related to their breaking and entering and then completely destroying a Headstart school. They threw not only paint and other solvents over the place but also left own bodily fluids such as feces and urine, totally destroying computers, games, floors, the whole building, probably over $100,000 damage. I thank my lucky stars I do not have to even think about putting up with that.
I think it's more IN-appropriate for a grown man to take/ask a woman for money. I know his type..
This is not anything new to him. This is how he survives. Chances are that he does have another "cash cow" so to speak in the wings. I've been there. I was stupid the first time just over 6 months of constantly bailing him out "so we could be together." Second time, I basically "paid" someone to be their friend for 3 years. I did everything in the world for him, mostly financial. I thought every time I helped him he would see what a great person I was and fall magically in love with me. Needless to say, he'd spent his life surviving by manipulating women and had no interest in me other than to support him. After I lost those 3 years, I regained my self-esteem and self-confidence that I deserved more. As far as I am concerned, no matter what the situation is, any man who takes money from a woman is worthless. That should be his last option. How about working more, getting a loan, anything but coming to you for money. I'm sorry to sound as if I am passing judgment but if I can save someone heartbreak I will try. My friend also spent a lifetime of supporting one deadbeat after another. Sometimes I think she subconsciously asked for it. She wanted to be needed. Yes, they were needy alright and needed her money but what she really wanted was just to be wanted. She had the two mixed up. The last guy that she dated for a year, through snooping in his computer unfortunately, found out he was on every personal ad site outthere including porn websites etc and had been meeting women AND men on the side while she handed out the cash believing he would marry her. Crushed was not the word for it. Sorry so long.. and as a side note...after 8 years of singlehood, I found my Prince Charming who spoils me rotten. I have never given him a dime and he has given me the world. They are out there.
hahaha! REAL grown up, gals.
I'm back in high school. weee
Thank goodness both my kids are pretty much grown up sm
Both are in college, one away and one at home.
My gift will be supporting them in everything they do unconditionally, past, present, and future.
Just can't do gifts this year.
But I WILL have my traditional 3-foot tree LOL.
Rays in WS is enough for us all, though!! :-)
We have grown children and paid up condo. SM
I think about advice I would give others. Getting any part-time job I could, delivering papers, selling Avon (people still buy Avon), renting room out in house. If elderly people near you, offer transportation or shopping service. One thing is, no matter what, no one should just sit around waiting for another job, be they male or female.
I usually do a lot of handmade gifts. This year each kid gets $100 they are all grown sm
I make my oldest son boxer shorts, he only likes the ones I make. My other son wanted a robe and matching PJ pants. Daughter wanted a couple of outfits and a denim jacket. My mom wanted something I had knitted up for her. Stepdad just wants to be remembered. My brother won't take anything from me, so no problem there. I will do some small things for my friends, but I won't spend $500 total, even with giving the 3 kids $100 each. I have NEVER spent that much on Christmas!
I have worked like a dog all year, but I have had no time to do these things they think they want.
So you just continue to give money to grown folks
because they are too lazy to work? You could do 1 of 2 things- take the children or call the family and children services if they are not being cared for. I would never continue to support people who did not want to help their self.
Oh for Pete's sakes...the kid is a grown man now...he can state his opinion..
it reflects nothing on the mother who raised him...
I feel your pain. I have a grown adult in my face 24/7.
The man needs a job.. He wants to be with me so he sits/lays behind me a lot of the day until I tell him to do something constructive like clean the house..his job.. As I tell him, you've been assigned a job description, now get on it. I will say that I wouldn't spend three or four hours arguing with him, he knows better. I'll knock his block off. :)
Dh just told me a something
before it got back home. He took my oldest daughter to an out of town football game. Me and the baby stayed home as it is really too cold for her to be out. Well, he told me that this gal (recently divorced and hot to trot) came and sat by him and they were enjoying the game together.  He said people were staring. All I said was "okay." Okay, I need to keep my head. I should just trust Dh but we are having marital problems and the subject of divorce has come up but I thought we were going to put it behind us and work it out. Help me not blow up and blow it out of proportion. I can sometimes loose my head.
That's what they were told - sm
That the repair would be so obvious, it would be like night and day. I don't know, I guess if it were me, I would definitely want to know just exactly how much my premium would be going up before I made a decision. They do have the option of just havig their LR done for 200-300 dollars though, versus having the entire carpeting replaced and paying a higher premium. So, in reality, they will be paying for the carpeting anyway, like a poster above said.
He just told her (sm)
that he was about to compliment her, and that she could ditch the surprised act and just say thank you. He said something like that a couple of times, in other words to not act so surprised she's getting a compliment and like, really? really? me? and just say thank you, and that's what she did.
She really sang great last night, like she does just about every time.
Boy was I just told - NOT - sm
I just got a call from the mother of this girl who comes over now and then telling me that I am a horrible hostest and how dare I make her daughter feel uncomfortable.
OH PUH-LEEEEEEZ!
I'm laughing, hoping this means we won't see this brat OR her nasty witch of a mother darken our doorstep again.
So this is what happened. The girl comes over to "hang out". I was up from my desk moving a load of laundry from washer to dryer and when I walked back into my office, there she is, typing away on MSN messenger talking to friends.
It is a well known rule in this house by EVERYONE, including the kids that come over, that they do NOT even look in the direction of my computer because it is a company computer and my income depends on it. There are TWO other computers that are for family use. STAY OUT! Clear enough? Apparently not to this little brat.
I came back into my office and told her she needed to get away from my desk, telling her for the millionth time that it is my work desk only. I was nice at this point but not happy.
She then tells me "Just a second, I'm talking." That's when I blew a gasket!
I said, "Get out. Go home. Now." Very firm but not yelling and screaming like I would have loved to do. She turns around and makes this face at me, then pushes my chair back really hard as she is getting up and it bounces off my bookshelf, giving it a good rattle. So as she was walking out the door I simply told her, do not come back. You are not welcome.
Then her witchy mother called. I couldn't care less what the hag was yelling about so I just interrupted her and said, "HEY! She's 15. She should know better than to act like that in someone's home and if YOU don't teach her that BEFORE she does that somewhere else, this will NOT be the last time she gets the boot!" And hung up on her.
My kids were hiding in the hall giggling as all this took place. They never had the guts to tell her to get lost.
Before anyone tries putting a guilt trip on me... this kid is FAR from neglected, comes from a nice home, parents are well off, just SPOILED beyond belief and she believes that everyone should jump when she says jump. I AM NOT PLAYING ALONG!
I told her she should have said
They wouldn't like you either!
What nerve, what stupidity on his part, what ignorance. I am going to address how I feel about cats personally in a separate post and comment on some of the responses I have received. I am very appreciative of the responses and the dialogue back and forth. It is in some way healing, at least to me, and I hope to others.
tell her exactly what you told us
and she needs to be aware of the STDs out there..They think it will never happen to them, but it can...that is why talking with a GYN or nurse practitioner would be a good thing to give her pamphlets and brochures and also keep the lines of communication open between the two of you.
I was always told not to mix
your alcohols (wine coolers, beer, cocktails, etc), but more importantly don't break the seal or you'll be in the ladies' room all night.
Have Fun!!!
Perhaps I should have told the
whole story, but just wanted thoughts based on the information I did provide and the assumption that it did happen. What would you do if it were your child and you were certain that this is what was said?
Thanks to those who have responded. I look forward to seeing what others have to say as well.
Told her that already.
x
What I told
I have three - told them the truth. It worked for my daughters, worked some for my son. One of the big issues was "parties" and I just said no. They asked why. I told them that I knew them and did not think they would find it especially fun to watch their friends and themselves drink and ralph on other people's shoes. I actually described a few parties I had been to and all the graphic details. They believed me and decided not to go to parties until they were old enough to leave on their own power whenever they wanted. I just told all of them the graphic truth (my mother did not tell me and let me learn everything on my own - that was not such a good idea either in my opinion and she could have saved me a lot of grief if she had only spoken up. My son did drink when he was 18, but only at someone's home and says he did not drive. I believe him because he is now 37 and has no reason not to tell me the truth anymore. So, tell what you feel comfortable with. I think parents can have a big impact on their children when they are honest.
Have you told them what you told us?
I'd lay it right out to them like you just did here. Maybe they truly have no clue as to how it makes you feel.
|
