What makes some people forgive so easily and others not so easy? sm

The reason I ask is that I am in a very unique situation. I have a family member (an in law) who basically hates me. She and I have sort of been at it on and off for 8 years. She's a very mean person, very judgmental, hates everybody. I mean, seriously. It's bad. She rubbed off on me for too long. We were friends! I used to point and make fun at others ONLY when around her. When I finally caught on that she was not a very good influence and that I was so easily pursuaded by her meanness towards other people (backstabbing, etc), I began to keep my distance. And she caught on. Now she hates me. For no reason, really, other than I don't call her anymore, don't hang out with her anymore. And here lately she has been doing evil things to me like returning cards I've sent to her family with a giant "return to sender" on the envelope, getting her sister against me (I mean, come on, how old are we??), etc. She will be at my mother in law's for the holidays with her kids and I am cringing inside.  In fact, just today, I received a nasty email from her when I got home saying some pretty mean things, calling me crazy, insane, etc. which I know I'm not, but it hurts anyways to hear stuff like that.  She has a very hard time forgiving people, I've seen it over and over in her life, and now it has come to the fact that I need her to forgive me in order for ME to have peace in my life. It's just the kind of person that I am. I am totally willing to look past all the mean things she's done and said the past year and try to move forward positively!

So, fast forward. I've written her an email basically BEGGING for her forgiveness and saying I'm sorry for whatever I've done to hurt you (I know I've hurt her by not wanting to be around her,etc), and told her it wasn't good for us to be on the outs like this.  I am pretty sensitive (if you can't tell already), and I really, really, really wish she could get past all of this and just forgive. We all need a little forgiveness, don't we?? What do you think? Why is it that some are so easily forgiven and others will go to their grave filled with HATE? I don't understand it one bit.

I'm not saying I'm any better than she is. I know I'm not.  I just don't have an evil vein in my body to not forgive people and I HATE when others talk about others behind their backs. It's mean. I grew up around that stuff and once I reached adulthood and realized that I didn't need to talk about others to make myself feel better, I hated being around it. Give me some advice.  Should I send the letter?

Please help me. Would you send it? She obviously needs love. What would you do? Would you just tell her to forget it and move on or would you be like her and hate back?

• What makes some people forgive so easily and others not so easy? sm - anon
  • I wouldn't send it and this is why . . . - sm
    • Ya'll are just too kind and sweet. I am having a hard time thinking "I'm the better person& - me
      • PS: I didn't send the letter...Thanks! nm - me
  • forgiveness - MTqueenB
  • I would write an e-mail sm - Just me
  • Sounds to me like . . . - Mimi
  • Forgiveness is something - l
    • Agree wholehearedly. You have - been there too

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My husband hit me about 4 years ago...he slammed my head into a pole on our carport and pulled my hair, bruised my arms, cursed in my face.  It was a shock to me because he had never acted that way before, although he had been somewhat aggressive in the past.  It wasn't even a big argument, and I was stunned.  I left for a week and made him go to anger management counselling.  He went to two sessions, I came back home and he quit going.  He has never hit me again.  It has been four years. But he was never terribly sorry.... I have never felt the same way about him since.  I have never wanted to be intimate with him since.  I don't even like him touching me.  I have prayed, been to marriage counsellors, tried to change my feelings toward him and I just can't. 

It seems ridiculous to me to think of divorcing a man for something he did four years ago but I can't seem to feel anything for him anymore.  What do I do?

If my opinion upsets someone, I think it is their "fault" (for lack of a better word) if they get upset.  Everyone owns their own feelings and should not let someone else's opinion have so much power over how they feel.  As far as lemmings and masses, those are generalities, a comment on society as a whole, not aimed at any one person.

I am sorry if my opinions have so much influence over others. I will try to keep my thoughts in check.

a few weeks back my youngest son was injured.  My mother came by to bring him some ice cream.  For some reason something i said or did made my mother angry.  I did not know this at the time.  My husband and I went to lunch with said child, my mother and grandmother the next day.  I noticed they were acting rather stiff and one time hubby, child and I went to the bathroom.  When I walked back to the table M and G promptly stopped talking.  Confused, the next day I called and asked the grandmother if I had done something wrong.  Out of the blue she stated that she didn't think i should not let one child do something without the other (speaking about a birthday party they were BOTH invited to) I laughed and told her they had both been invited, that the child invited all of his friends and their brothers and I would never dream of self inviting my child to a party!!!  Anyway I called my mother and told her the same thing.  They both still sounded rather stiff.  Well along came Thanksgiving.  My MIL came over to our house so we didn't go to my grandma's house.  My sister in law then told me all the things that were said about me...that I treat my oldest like crap, my youngest is a spoiled brat, etc.  and that my grandma was actually CRYING because she believes my oldest is treated so badly.  I honestly have NO CLUE where they got all of this!! I was flabbergasted!!! I just wrote them both off and just never really wanted to talk to them.    No confrontation, nothing.  I didn't even return their calls.

So today my grandma stops by unannounced and begs me to forgive her and that she wants to see my boys some time during christmas.  SHe won't talk about the incident, what sparked it or even what the heck my mom thinks is so bad about how i have treated my oldest.  I'm at a loss.  On one hand I really want to get together with her.  She is just going on something that someone else told her about me.  On the other hand I feel like my every move will be judged if I am around her with my kids.  I told her I forgive her and I honestly do, but i'm not sure how to get past this.  I'm having a Christmas lunch Saturday with my brother.  Should I invite her or just say to heck with it and not see her?

  but I also think you, as a grandparent, can supply all the info to CS....my situation was entirely different and I'm sorry I didn't realize you were the grandparent before I posted...

And God Bless you for taking responsibility for your grandkids, my parents would have done zippo!!     

This is what our country is founded on FREEDOM OF CHOICE!   I'm laughing already; you are just as mortal as the rest of us, and don' even attempt to that you've never done anything in your lifetime that was unsafe or unhealthy. NOT gonna buy it.

I thought that the purpose of this board was to be able to post without being judged unfairly or have somebody tell you how wonderful their personal life is, and therefore you are causing their life to be less wonderful with your irresponsibility. Well, the saying "walk a mile in my shoes" is a good one in this case.  Since you have no personal information about the person you are lambasting because they are looking for information on their debt, you can feel superior.  Had you had personal information about them, you might act in a more human manner. Consider fighting cancer for 4 years, working and being debilitated while you do, suffering the effects of chemo, going into debt to maintain your home for your children and looking for a way out of debt SHOULD YOU EVEN LIVE THROUGH THIS!!  Thank you for the kind comments.  To the judgmental people I say please take a step back before you judge.  You do not know who you are talking to and if you knew the personal information maybe your comments would be kinder.

Don't rush into anything, and don't let him pressure you into moving faster than you are comfortable with. After all, if you do get together, hopefully you will have a lot of happy years ahead of you. There's no need to rush things in the beginning.

I have been married for a long time to the same man (never divorced) but if we had taken more time in the beginning, we probably never would have gotten married. Outside circumstances kind of put us in a "do or die" position.

We had a lot of unhappy years, especially in the beginning. So the one thing I always advise anyone who is contemplating marriage and/or a serious relationship is take your time.

And good luck!

In a blender:  1 lg can whole tomatoes, 1-3 serrano peppers (sometimes even 1 is very hot, just depends on peppers at the time), Black pepper, Garlic Salt, Salt, and just a little Comino or Cumin (I have been told they are the same and I have tried them side by side and can't tell the difference.)  Blend and season to taste.  It will take more salt than you might think and just add a little by little of ingredients until you get it just like you like it.  My friends have always had to make a couple before getting it seasoned just right.  My bunco group requires this every month.

Or this Pico Salsa:  4-6 tomatoes diced, 1 onion diced, 3-6 serrano peppers diced very small, cilantro chopped added to your taste, and 1 fresh lime squeezed for juice.  Season with Black Pepper, Salt, Garlic Salt all to taste and about 4 shakes of Worchestershire sauce.  This is great pico for eating with chips or added with many dishes.  My family prefers this at every gathering.

This is all with Texas preferred heat, so you may want to cut down on the peppers and it all depends on how hot the peppers are that day.  The sauce and pico will get hotter over night, so be careful.  If your pico gets too hot, try adding tomatoes to cool it off.  Hot sauce requires adding more whole tomatoes to cool off but then you have to adjust your seasonings all over again.

Some guys are good dads - willing to pitch in and help take care of the child's needs, and give it plenty of time and attention.

There are quite a few guys out there that like the IDEA of a child - as long as it doesn't cramp their style.  This means it all devolves upon the mother - care of the child 24/7, criticism from him and his family if you aren't doing it their way, but of course any bragging rights are all theirs.

Then there are the demands of academia - when your child gets sent home with a backpack full of paperwork to review on a nightly basis, whose job will that be?

Another thought is the possibility of divorce down the road - what happens then?  Quite a few dads who let mom do all the work suddenly become superdad when the thought of child support comes along, and they will do anything to win custody so that YOU have to pay THEM.  Even if you win custody, the head games with visitation schedules, daddy's new girlfriend pushing her way into the picture, etc. never end.

Be careful.  Having a baby to stroke a man's ego can get very messy very fast.  Its a huge responsibility and too often the mother does all the work and the father takes all the credit.  Take the worst case scenarios into consideration before you decide.