What do you think
Posted By: Ms. Guilt trip on 2008-04-17
In Reply to:
I typed this in word and am pasting here so really hope it doesn't doubleline.
I wanted to post this and get some feedback from yuse (yuse is more than one you - ha ha). I am nervous about telling spouse that my sister would like to come out for a visit. About 10 years ago she wanted to come out and visit with us (she’s east coast I am west). He told me that would be fine, then after she purchased her “non refundable” tickets the next day he told me she couldn’t come. I was totally taken aback. I was shocked and I was hurt. How could he do that to me. Worse yet my sister was hurt and she figured that he didn’t like her. I told him she would stay in a hotel and rent a car and he kept saying no (funny how years later I thought who is he to deny her being able to go where she wants). Anyway...when I was upset about it he was telling me that she was manipulating me. I asked why he thought that (of course keeping the cuss words to myself) he said she’ll say anything to get you to do what she wants. I’m thinking at this point…who is this guy? Never in our whole time together had my sister ever asked for anything or tried to get me to do things, so have no idea where this was coming from. We had been married for 15 years at that point and I was just totally blown away by his response. He never took blame for what he did and after a few days he just acted like nothing happened. Then 6 years ago my sister said she would like to come out. DH said why don’t we go back instead for Thanksgiving. (I was thrilled beyond words). East coast is beautiful at that time. Txgiving came and he said lets go for Christmas instead being the holiday. Again I was happy and thought that would be better. Xmas came and he said lets wait until the spring when its nice and we can get out and if we go now we might get snowed in. Spring came and he said lets go fall, fall came and he said Txgiving, then Xmas, spring, fall, etc etc. After a year or so of asking I just gave up. Now here it is 4 years later and sister would like to come out with her new daughter she just adopted. Her hubs will stay back with their son and it will just be sister and niece. Am just really nervous to say anything to him right now because he is so unsettled as to what he wants to do for work (he is not working and doesn’t know what he wants to do), plus we are in the process of looking at moving to a different location (that's a big maybe and only if there is no work here for him). So don’t want to give him any excuse for him saying no.
I can’t bring up the past and what he did or how I felt because that will infuriate him. I would really like him to understand why I would like to see my own sister (I go back east about once every three years and even then its like pulling teeth – the last time I started crying because it had been 3 years before that when I went back and he got mad at me because he said I made him feel guilty like it was his fault I hadn’t gone back). So this year is my sisters 50th bday (and I just had a b-day - which we didn't do anything for) so am thinking of telling him that we would like to do something different for b-days this year and seeing as we never do anything to celebrate my birthday and I never ask for anything my sister wants to come out for weekend and I would like her to come and would that be okay. Sister and niece would be staying in hotel and renting a car, so its not like we have to have guests here (although I would like to have her over so she can see where I live – I’ve been away since 1980 and she’s never seen where I live. However I am waiting until he’s a little more decided about what he wants to do before I bring up the subject with him. I don’t know maybe I just needed to vent and maybe this won't even be a problem. Although whenever we talk about things he is more quick with words and can turn around a situation to benefit what he wants, and I get so upset and flustered that I just don’t think fast and lose arguments, so I just let it in one ear and out the other, but in the end I feel sad because there is nothing I can do to show being upset. The last time I did he basically acused me of doing something and then trying to cover it it. When I asked what in the world he was talking bout he said to me "why don't you tell me". Anyway…just wondering if others have spouses like this and how would you handle it. That's it...just feeling a little sad and felt like I needed some feedback.
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