Want to leave my marriage but I'm scared!! Need viewpoints (sm)
Posted By: MomMT on 2008-12-11
In Reply to:
I am worried about finances and insurance because I am an IC MT. I have two children and worry about them as well. But I just can't see staying in this marriage any longer. I need to hear from women who have made the decision to leave and made it!! Please?
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Leave some open boxes of baking soda inside and maybe search for carbon filters to leave in there,
s
Now I'm scared (sm)
I suggested a trial seperation and he disagreed a little at first but then he became completely agreeable to it all of a sudden. That worried me so I told him I wasn't sure what we should do and then he said if I am asking, then I must not want to leave. My fear is that he is being so nonchalant about it all of a sudden.
not scared
I'm a rebel by nature and I simply learned to be what other posters called "sneaky." It wasn't my mom I was scared of. It was my father and fortunately he was out of town every week for about 10 years of my growing up years. He was mean in a serious way, much worse than I could post here. Took some therapy to help me deal with that after he died.
I'm not scared of authority figures, but because of my rebellious nature I tend to push my limits. This is something I was born with and I'm sure the other things that happened as I was growing up didn't teach me how to deal with it well.
I tend not to let anyone get close, but I'm very sociable and make friends easily. I do have a problem with people who act like bullies...I tend to force their hands and show them for the cowards they are.
im scared to be a mom....
Honestly I am afraid that I won't be a good one. I know in my heart I would be but I also know that I will be a constant worry-wart about EVERYTHING. more so than now and that's tough to deal with. When anyone goes on trips im like CALL ME AT EVERY STOPPING POINT. anything... even with Ally she was napping with me and i had to just keep checking her breathing constantly. I dont know how i would handle it!!!
Also Im quite selfish right now and also have no money. HA. But I also really do want a family. There used to be nothing I wanted more, and then that changed a couple of years ago and I dont feel that same yearning that I did then. I wonder if I will again... if i dont im not sure what ill do with my lonely self!
So you have no grandchildren? Apparently it's the best thing ever at least my mom says :)
And your daughter sounds awesome. I used to want to be a kindergarten teacher until I got into MThaha. Then i wanted to volunteer in the NICU back home went through the evaluation and shots and all, then moved out here... i have yet to sign up for that.
Okay here ill be honest I want babies and toddlers, but i dont want kids or teenagers!!! hahaha :)
have a greet weekend
Not scared here at all
You cannot stop whatever happens but I am still working as is my hubby and if things happen, oh well is how I look at things. Years ago when my mother was dying I tried everything to keep her around, didn’t work and learned life is like it turns out. My daughter, who is grown, tells me she is "really scareddddddddd." I told her to quit listening to all the negative things going on, especially the talk radio she seems to want to believe. My hubby is one true positive person (me not as much) but he says all this negavitivity is just wrong. It wears you down and just no use in doing so.
Let me see, in the 50s and 60s were scared and
first people were building bomb shelters, then we had the face masks for the gas bombs in case those were dropped, I hear now on Sean you can buy things called Survival Seeds. This never ceases, every so often the US just has to scare itself really bad. Did I tell you the one really scary? That was the year 2000. Everyone thought the world would probably explode then, all kinds of things predicted, computers would not change, watches not work, people were thinking end of time. Oh, wait, that is again this year with now the swine flu.
ER MT - that photo actually scared me
I was up late half awake and that photo popped up! Then I thought, you know that's a lot like me when I do ERs!!! Of course, for me it's because I'm not so smart yet and a bit frazzled. New specialty, just sometimes. Thanks for the giggle!
Thank you, I'm not scared though, just disgusted (sm)
I am not feeling threatened by him, just feeling disrespected and I am feeling disgusted. Thank you so much for your concern though. I agree that some situations are dangerous and if I felt threatened I would get help. I am scared of how he will act once I decide to leave, but I think it will be more malicious financial issues on his part, not really violence.
Maybe that's why your scared. Your thinking
too big (moving out of state). Money? If you've been married for any length of time - he pays you. Hope there are no children involved. Being scared is not a reason to stay with your husband. Why continue to be miserable? I feel sorry for you. Sounds like you live to please others and the heck with your own feelings.
My ex was scared of bats
For a while we lived in an old house and a bat kept getting in. The ex would hide in bed under the covers and scream while I got a tennis racket and would manage to trap and remove the bat. How macho is that, LOL!
My mom is scared of a lot of things (bats, mice, worms), so from necessity I learned to not be afraid of them. The only thing I never got over was fear from being immersed in cold water - never learned to swim, and even being in a cold shower makes me hyperventilate.
I'm scared of BEES. -sm
One or two, I can sort of deal with, as long as I'm not in close quarters with them, such as in the car. But more than 2 or 3? I'm outta' there! Large numbers of any bug or insect creep me out. I'm also scared of sharks, seaweed and jellyfish.
I'm not scared of mountain lions, (though I have yet to meet one face-to-face). I would really like to see one someday while hiking. (At least I know not to run!) I'm not afraid of doing things alone, like long drives, flying, or traveling to other countries. In fact I prefer it that way.
I can deal with spiders. Don't like 'em but I used to live in a place that reminded me of the movie "Arachnophobia", so I learned how to get rid of them and prevent their return by targeting the nests outside the house. Nowadays I have a cat that spends her days hunting them, so I rarely see one (at least alive) anymore.
I would be much more scared of the pit bull
than someone trying to break into my house. I do animal rescues and 1 place I rescue from (animal shelter) will not let this breed be adopted by Jane or John Doe- they are just considered vicious. They are put down rather than adopted out.
When I was a scared 21-y/o I stayed - sm
in San Diego a few days by myself after a trade show had ended so I could do a few things there on my own. The company footed the rental car and I paid for the 2 extra days in the hotel, which my former boss paid maybe $40 a night for at a very nice Marriott...on the conciege floor. (he would lie and say he was a travel agent and get incredibly cheap rooms). I never made it to the beach but did do the San Diego Zoo with the bosses wife before the show....then after when I was on my own I went to the Wild Animal Park about an hour up the coast. I had the best time despite being alone. Had a beautiful drive up the coastal highway, etc. I'd never done anything like that on my own before so I really enjoyed it. I hope to take my kids out there one of these days, maybe in the next 5 years and spend a week at least out there, have 3 friends living in various parts of CA so it would be fun to visit them.
Scared Dogs
I know it's strange, but all 3 of my pugs sleep right through thunderstorms unless they're particularly violent. Only a really loud crack of thunder directly over the house will cause them to look at me with concern. Then, they go back to sleep. Good old pugs - all ya need to do is feed, bathe, water, walk and pamper them. They sleep probably 21 hours a day. And their waking hours are usually amusing. Maggie cannot stand to see a dog or horse on TV. She goes running up to the TV, sees the dog or horse disappear, then proceeds to try and look around the back of the TV to see if that's where it went. 
Have you checked with your vet to see if there's something you can give your babies so they won't get so upset during thunderstorms?
We as a nation are so scared now days
My grandmother lived to 75 and her daughter, my aunt, now 86 and both used and told me about Campho-Phenique and get this, when I had an ulcer in my mouth my aunt told me to use this. Now I do not go about swishing and swallowing but used it on the sores, got relief and well, I am writing this post. It can be used in the mouth with no problem.
Scared mom --sorry for the long post
I am the widow of a man who served his country PROUDLY in the Army for 21 years, retired and later developed cancer as a result of Agent Orange while serving in Vietnam. As a result, I have certain military "privileges", however, the VA turned around and changed his diagnosis from "cancer of the larynx" which was his ORIGINAL diagnosis made by a civilian doctor, to "cancer of the hypopharynx which was made by his VA doctor and hence, this was NOT covered by Agent Orange and as a result, I have lost monetary compensation to the tune of right now, approximately $300K, however, I do have other benefits.
I regress, but getting back to your original post, my daughter joined the Army VERY shortly before the Iraq war started and was stationed in New York State when 9/11 happened, needless to say, I was a nervous wreck as she had JUST moved with her then husband and I did not have her new phone #. Thank heavens for a Sprint directory assistance operator who understood the situation and even though they had a nonpublished number put me through to their residence anyway.
Women in the military are subjected to testing regarding vocational skills, just like their "male counterparts" -- for example my daughter was actually into more of the satellite communications end of things and NEVER saw or would have never seen combat. She PROUDLY served her country for 3 years, received the money to go to college, has remarried, has her own home, a soon to be 2-year-old daugther and is finishing up her nursing career as well as working.
The other side to this picture is that with a military career, if she decides to make it a CAREER and "advances", she can retire at a relatively early age (at least early to mid 40s) and have a lucarative retirement income for LIFE, as well as being still young enough to pursue other opportunies in the "civilian world."
Hope this helps.
Me again! I am so frustrated, scared, and upset over here. I'm sorry, but sm
my husband doesn't understand and my other friends homeschool (as do I), so I have no one to talk to about this. My 3-1/2 year old has been crying all day. What is wrong with him? Not crying, but unplugging stuff for my computer, unfolding laundry, taking DVDs and throwing them all over the floor. So, I spanked him, yet again, and nothing is working. I sincerely cannot take this. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot. I have to put him in a program somewhere.
I am crying so hard right now because my husband and I are both advocates for homeschooling and having the children at home. I am suffering having to spend the majority of my day spaking and disciplining an unruly child which gives me no time to homeschool his brothers. They (the other brothers) hate to see their little bro get into trouble, but what is one supposed to do? There are 3 of them and 1 of me. I just lost it a few minutes ago as he just started tearing things up again. Here are the options: Get rid of every single electronic thing in my household (including my work computer), tv's, Playstation 2(which is 10 year old brother loves), and everything else and go back to the days of old where it was just mom, kids, and dad at work. I'm seriously thinking he is just too distracted and can't help it. OR solution #2, put him in daycare somewhere (this makes me cringe, cry, sob- because he will be just a number there (I know - I worked for one for a long time - I don't care what anyone says), or in a pre-K program somewhere, but around here they only last for 2 hours (GA). I know, because I've checked.
Anyone else with similar situation? I'm thinking of putting them all in school so I can work since I have to work. Our expenses outweigh husband's income. I must work. I only work at night,though, so that isn't an issue during the day. I am at my wits end. I know if I work, though, a lot if it will go towards daycare. But inside my head and heart, I can't take this. I don't know why, I just can't do this anymore. 
Scared to quit smoking - sm
I have another friend who quit smoking 3 years ago and now has lung cancer. I know (and have heard of) many people who quit (ACS can tell you how your lungs supposedly improve and risk of lung cancer death diminishes compared to the general population) smoking only to be diagnosed with lung cancer after several years. This IS NOT a mental excuse for me not to quit. It really does frighten me. Been a smoker for 30 years. Seems worthless to fight to quit and die, or just keep smoking and die. Anyone have any thoughts? I have no one affected by my second-hand smoke.
Am scared of tornados and alone today and quess what?
I am here alone with my animals and we are having a tornado warning for my county. There is a rotation from a tornado that is approximately 2 miles from my home as I type. Please send up prayers, really scares me. Thanks
Good Lord...this would have scared me to death (sm)
Not gonna say what state I am in but the patient went in for surgery on his kidneys and was mistaken for a neurosurgery patient and had his head shaved before they realized he was the wrong guy...he cancelled his kidney surgery and went the heck home! Poor guy!!
I'm scared to death of people in huge SUVs plowing across
It's scary!!!!!
My 19-year-old daughter wants to join the Army. I'm very scared at the thought. Any advice out th
Before the Iraq war, I would have been more excited that she wanted to do something positive with her life for a change, but this thought is scary as we know people that have lost their children in the war. I know in some ways this could turn her life around and be what she needs as she is very immature and is going down the wrong road, but are there other alternatives. A lot of people tell us it's still a good time for kids. Any thoughts out there?
That would definitely not be enough for me to consider it a marriage. sm
why do you all think you need some obviously lame guy to complete you? Is it just youth and hormones?
marriage
You are so fortunate. In this day and age, everyone is all about "me". My husband has no CLUE what it means to "work as a team." He simply cannot grasp it at all. He does what he wants to, when he wants to and how he wants to, whenever he wants to. If I ask too many questions he gets angry at me. I am now figuring out 15 years later that I made a pretty big mistake by marrying him. However, we have three beautiful children, and the one thing we do agree on is that they need both parents to raise them. My husband would argue the color of the sky if he was in the mood. He is contrary simply to be contrary. I give up. He gives me the information he thinks I need to have. I don't ask him for anything anymore because he absolutely will not do it (help with getting everything done, i.e., housework, paying bills, makign phone calls, etc.). All of the concerns I had before we got married (which I did bring up to him) have come true. I should have known it. People just DO NOT know how to work together anymore.
marriage
I think we are raising our sons to be "mama's boys" and not be the proper leaders they need to be. Plus, in this day and age of no boundaries, children have no guidance and absolutely no direction. My husband does not have a plan from one minute to the next. It is absolutely crazy. he cannot set a goal and reach it if his life depended on it. We just wait to see what he is going to do next. I honestly never know what he is going to come up with. He absolutely adores his children, and they feel the same. I have seen what divorce does to the children, I will not do that to mine. But sometimes, I just want to scream. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he doesn't see a need (he has everything he needs). I will teach my children what to look for in a mate and the warning signs. Hopefully they won't have the trouble that I have had.
Marriage
Marriage is a relationship that you have to take care of each other first and always. He should always think about what makes you happy and you the same. You both should be covered at all times. There needs to be ongoing communication so you both can determine what makes things work for you. Most marriages fail because people don't want to talk and would rather "mind read" or assume. You know what they say about assume. You should always treat your spouse like he/or she is the most important person in the world and is first in your life. If you have someone that takes advantage of that and does not appreciate it, then that is not the one for you. Ignorance and immaturity takes kindness for weakness. A mature man or woman knows that that is how they should be treated and how they should treat their mate.
Second marriage
I'm planning to get married for the second time. My last marriage was 17 years ago and I've been on my own with my 14 y.o. son for almost 10 years. For my last wedding I dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's but I was so exhausted I didn't even enjoy the wedding. I think I have a mental block for wedding planning now because I never really thought I'd be doing it again. However, I have zero doubt that I want to be with this man. We both just want to be together and can't decide whether to just go on a trip and get married or have something small with our families and a few close friends. We think it would be nice to have our immediate families help us start our marriage off but I can't seem to make myself think about planning things and picking things out. Mainly I'd just like to wear a pretty dress (not necessarily even a wedding dress and definitely not an elaborate one). It seems if you start planning to have one thing it calls for another. I've looked at some of the wedding checklists and it makes my head hurt to think about picking out cakes, etc. I don't want anything tacky but I don't want to spend a lot of time on details. Any ideas? Also, what are your thoughts on giving your future husband a wedding gift. A do or not? Thanks so much for any advice you have to offer. I don't think we are going to wait long at all so I won't have much time to plan a lot anyway, which suits me just fine.
Second marriage
I live in Eastern North Carolina. There seems to be a lot of placed in Tennessee that look pretty romantic too. I'm browsing through those now.
Second marriage
Lots of great ideas. Thanks so much. I really like the iPod idea.
I think she needs to get out of the marriage - NOW!! (sm)
That could end up being a dangerous situation as well. I have had female friends from this type of cultural background who had to go into hiding from their own brothers to keep from being beaten to death for the crime of dating a white man. She really needs to get out now before they have children.
What is there to think about? Marriage...
is taking a vow.
vow
verb [T]
to make a determined decision or promise to do something, which includes not sleeping with other women and no cheating WHATSOEVER. He broke the Vow.
Marriage is a vow.
Of course I understand that marriage is a vow. Marriage is also a commitment. Problems that seem insurmountable sometimes are not, given time.
Before your marriage, did you or did you not....
Let your DH see you in your wedding gown?
Marriage Help
Am hoping to hear advise from other in my shoes. Been married 18 years and completely and totally unhappy. Husband doesn't beat me, is a good provider, just not in love any longer. Kids involved under age 14. Do I stay or do I go? Trying to stay until kids leave house but very hard - hard to even look at him. He has told me i am average but he love me, has corrected all my mistakes throughout the years, because only he and God are perfect oh but he loves me more than anything! A year ago he wrote me a letter that pointed out all my flaws and could not understand why I wanted him to leave. Please advise. I am so terribly sad and miserable and don't know what to do. State I live in very expensive and would never want to move my kids elsewhere. Hints on staying in an unhappy marriage would be great.
Bad marriage
Hi Done:
I left last September after 30 years. I am happy being on my own even though it means I must work long hours to support myself. My husband and I are separated, not divorced and I took no money from him.
The marriage was not so terribly bad - no physical abuse, very little verbal, but the interesting thing is that my children were way more aware of the underlying unhappiness than I would have imagined. I thought we never really argued - they thought the atmosphere was tense all the time.
I will say that I feel lucky that my youngest child is 17. On the other hand, she chose to stay with her dad (as well as my 21 year old son) and that was/is heartbreaking. But I did not have the right to choose for her. I moved into an apartment across the busy street from where I lived. My children can visit whenever they want.
It seems that my children are actually happier now too. Can you arrange a trial separation? The thing is, nothing has really changed in the situation between my husband and I, and it doesn't seem like it will. We both have an incentive not to make things final with divorce - mine is to keep his good insurance coverage, his is to avoid needing to give me any money.
I feel I had a lot of issues in the marriage due to the incest I suffered as a child and he had issues too. We just were not able to make any progress on this stuff in marriage therapy and neither of us has made any inquiries to each other about the possibility of trying again. And do you really think people can change? I just don't know. I think you have to really want to change. And someone who thinks they are perfect and points our your flaws all the time and tells you that you are "average" is probably not looking to change.
You deserve better for yourself. Just do it on your time and at your convenience. It is possible to stay for a while longer until your children are older. I thought I would wait until my youngest was out of school, but there was one of those "last straw" kinds of episodes last year and that was it.
I wish you the best. But just know that your children are aware of what is going on and do you want them to use your marriage as a model for themselves?
If it's you second marriage and the first one
Didn't workout - then don't spend ANY money on the second one. Save it for the divorce - LMAO
Before & After Marriage..
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
marriage
Once 39 years and we did not live together before either.
Marriage
I know what you mean about smothering. DH has several guys he works with whose wives won't do anything without their husbands. DH and I have always said we have very little in common except how we feel about each other. He doesn't ask me to get out of our warm bed at 5 a.m. in 20 degree weather to go deer hunting and I don't make him go to the beach with me in the summer and get sand in his shorts. It works perfectly for us. Our 24th anniversary is next month and we have 3 awesome kids. Definitely had our ups and downs but it's all been worth it.
Marriage
Well said. I was just thinking that. My husband just told me I have until the kids get out of school next week to get out. This all started over a milkshake of all things! Why are most men jerks? Looking back I have lost over 20 years of my life for a lot of similar reasons. Friends tell me the same info about God ect. But does God want us to be so unhappy???? That doesn't make sense to me at all!
Marriage
Living with someone is hard work, married or not. My parents have been married 45 years. My sister's marriage lasted just under 3 years. I've never been married but have lived with my SO for 3 years. We would get married if the marriage would be recognized everywhere as a valid marriage.
Sounds like your marriage is over
NM
Not sure what posts are below re marriage
but you sound so very well grounded and truly in love and love your husband and obviously he reciprocates. You are blessed but you also sound like a wonderful person who knows how to compromise when necessary and probably pick your battles - if you even have any!! I am also close to your age and going on 25 years of marriage and watch little things in the marriages of my children and I realize how much I have grown and how truly unimportant some stuff is - but sometimes you just don't see it when you are younger... wisdom definitely come with age!! You are blessed! :))
No, he has a son from a previous marriage, but they have none together. nm
m
OMG you just described my entire marriage..
I am waiting for tax returns and I am OUT OF HERE!! We tried counseling, and for US, it just made it worse. We have 3 children..7, 8, and 10. They are sick of him too and have actually BEGGED me to get us out of this house. I know in my area there are a lot of "programs" to help in these situations and I am hunting them down!! Good luck to you and dont sacrifice your life to be unhappy.
I have a great marriage, and i will tell you what we do
First off, there is no "serving". I am home, so I do all the bills, take care of the kid and cook most of the meals, housework, etc. He takes care of the lawn and brings in a lot more money. He is also very helpful on the weekends. Easy enough.
We are extremely nice to each other, and I spoil him rotten but it goes both ways. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. We go all out for birthdays, valentine's day, our anniversary and anything else we can find an excuse for.
When there is a problem or something unexpected, we split the responsibility for it or the duties that come with it. Everything is 100% equal. I believe he is the head of household in some ways, but in others, I am. That keeps me from being too much of a pushover and keeps him on the chase.
I have the same questions except it's a second marriage? SM
A friend of mine is getting married for the second time. The first time around it was a huge, and I mean HUGE, affair with an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties, huge Catholic wedding with a huge reception with food and free booze, etc. They registered at Macy's and expected everyone to get their presents from there. There China was over $100 for a place setting!
The couple divorced and now she is getting married again and has sent out invitations to all the festivities. She's planning another huge wedding and she has registered again at Macy's! Now, personally I feel this is just wrong. I think a small tasteful wedding is in order for the second go round and I don't think it is at all necessary to register anywhere for the second wedding. How much China can one person use? I mean, she got almost everything in her divorce!
I'm sort of a down to earth, pratical kind of person so Wal-Mart dishes are fine with me, so I guess maybe I'm not the best person to understand wedding traditions and etiquette, but do I really need to go to Macy's and get another expensive wedding gift?
When I was in bad marriage, I escaped in my SM
work. Whenever he would yell, which would be all the time, I put on my headphones and escaped into my work.
Now divorced, remarried to wonderful man, daughter grown and succesful, beautiful grandchild, wonderful stepchildren, AND I AM DEPRESSED!
I dread work, I dread putting on those headphones.
Group therapy anyone?
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.
But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.
You can have a great marriage too...
To be miserable. Marriage is work, lots of work, so is parenting, but it takes 2 to get both the jobs done and done right. Talk to your husband, heart to heart, and pray...Good luck!
You know I must be trying to work on this marriage. sm
 I'm about to skip Desperate Housewives and surfing the net to sit next to my hubby who just cooked us up some popcorn so I can watch his favorite movie of all time, "Blazing Saddles." Lord help me.
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