Update on jealousy/stepkids...

Okay, the man in my life with the kids did not come home until 5:30 this morning and at 5:32 AM I was telling him that I had taken all the disrespect from him and his kids that I was going to take and that we were going to have to just end this relationship. 

Don't know how long I can stick to it - but he's gone for now.  And ya know what?  I just feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest...

• Update on jealousy/stepkids... - Amanda
  • Run, run fast and don't look back!!!! - -StepMonsterMT
  • I'm kinda in the same boat - sm
  • Sorry to hear this but (sm) - Backwards typist
    • She wasn't with him - had already taken her back to her mom - nm - Amanda
  • Hey - sbMT

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Anyone have any experience with the sudden reappearance of adult stepchildren.

I received to cards in the mail today from my 25-year-old stepdaughter.  One for my anniversary which was a month late and one for my son which was a month early.  This is the first time she has ever sent us any kind of cards before, and she works in a Hallmark store.  Hmmmm......wonder what is up?  Change of heart or out of change?

I absolutely cannot stand my stepchild.  I know it sounds evil but that is the most spoiled, selfish brat I have ever come across.  I did not know that marrying someone with a kid would be so difficult.  I married my husband after having known him for only 2 months so we moved fast, but his little boy seemed to be sweet in the beginning.  After we got married, things changed.  My husband makes me sick over him.  He lets him do as he pleases.  He is almost 6 years old and I hate to see how hateful and defiant he is going to be when he gets older.  My husband never disciplines him.  His son is disrespectful, backtalks, does not listen and my husband does not seem to care.  I have come to the point now where I cannot and do not say anything about the child because if I do my husband jumps down my throat.  It's like the only thing he cares about is that child.  I will never be as important to him.  I'm not asking to be number 1 because I know he loves his son, but I would like to be as important to him as his son because I am his wife.  There are so many times that his son has done something that does not make any sense and the most recent was yesterday. 

My husband was in the bedroom napping and his son was sitting on the couch playing video games.  A few weeks ago I got a puppy.  Now his son is here Thursday evening through Monday morning and anytime he wants to play with the dog or take her outside I let him.  All he has to do is ask.  Well she went to the door and wanted to go out.  So I put her on her leash and we went outside.  I tie her up outside so she can run and play around without me having to hold her leash.  I come back inside and see hubby's son lying on couch with his head in pilows.  I did not really pay that much attention to it because I thought he was playing or something.  I grab the phone b/c I am gonna call my mom.  My hubby gets up and goes in there and his son is crying for some reason.  I could not hear everything b/c I was on the phone.  I hear him asking why he is crying and he won't give a reason.  Next thing I know, my hubby gets mad (he has a terrible temper, when he does get mad he feels the urge to hit something which really scares me), kicks something and goes outside.  I tell my mom I need to go.  I'm going to try to find out what is going on and calm my hubby down.  He comes back inside and I ask him what is wrong and he says nothing.  And I tell him he is scaring me b/c he is hitting and kicking stuff and he just says he is sorry and won't tell me what's going on.  I go outside b/c I want to get away from both of them.  When I come back inside, hubby and stepson on couch cuddling (i think it's weird for father and son to be so affectionate, I mean my dad and bro have never been that way...they like to act tough.)  I walk by hubby and he tells me to come to him.  He apologizes for losing his temper.  I told him he scared me acting that way and he said that he does not like being told that someone does not want to be here.  So I guess stepson implied he did not want to be here.  He prolly just said he wanted to go to his grandma's.  See my husband is so weirdly jealous over him.  He does not want his son to say he cares about his real mom, or say he wants to stay at his grandma's....it's weird i think.  I ask my hubby why stepson was crying in the first place and he says well the dog scratched him.  Wait a min. how could the dog scratch him when she is outside???  And secondly, there were no scratch marks on his son.  So i tell my hubby that when I took the dog outside his son was playing video games and everything was fine, so the dog couldn't have scratched him.  But he does not say anything.  Doesn't he realize his son is lying?  I don't know but I went into the kitchen just to get away from them and I heard my hubby bribing his son with getting a toy and all kinds of stuff.  He does it every time.  I think that his son has him trained.  He knows that if he does the crying crap, my hubby gets mad, loses his temper b/c his son is crying for no apparent reason, and then he will feel bad and get his son a toy or something.  Early yesterday his son was asking for a toy and my hubby told him that after he goes to grandma's today and she gives him some money for one they will go get one.  But his son wanted one yesterday and I think that is why he did that crying stuff.  I swear one time before when he did the crying stuff (he will do it for no apparent reason and I think he does it just to make my hubby feel bad) afterwards he had this look of satisfaction on his face.  I don't know but I just think that my hubby and his son both need therapy and both need to be on medication.  I think they are both bipolar.  I can't suggest anything to my hubby though especially that his son needs help b/c he will get mad at me.  I am always the heel around here anyways when his son is here.  I would like your thoughts on this though.  I feel like I am going to go crazy.  When it is the days that his son is not here, things are great and fine. 

Big problem, girls!  I have a stepdaughter that I am so jealous of I cannot see straight most of the time when she is here.  The child is 9 years old and has her daddy so wrapped up that when she is here I am just pushed aside completely.  He does not see it, thinks I am just overreacting and is even to the point of starting to take her and spend his visitation time somewhere else and not bring her around me.

I do not begrudge her getting her daddy's attention... I just feel that I should be involved more.  If they are watching a movie, he loves on her and holds her while I am pushed over to the recliner by myself, when its time to go to bed, I go to bed alone while he sleeps with her and if I want him in the bed with me, I have to wait until she goes to sleep and then go wake him up and ask him to come to bed with me.  We cannot close our door when she is here because she will get upset and start banging on it and crying and he will run right out to her (even if we are in the middle of a conversation), we cannot sit together on the bed and watch TV even if she is in her room by herself because as soon as she knows he is in the room with me she starts hollering for him and he runs to her and then proceeds to crawl up in her bed and watch TV with her.  If they are going somewhere it is usually just the two of them and I am not invited because they need to spend some time together.

Granted, he does not get her on a regular basis (his fault, not mine) and he wants her to know that he loves her, but why can't he see that I should be included too?  He wants me to love her and spend time with her and do things with her (especially when there is a football game on he wants to watch, or somewhere he wants to run with the guys for a little while), but then he makes it where I don't want to because once he is ready for her back, I am just pushed aside. 

She calls me "She", not my name; she does not acknowledge me when she comes in the door until he forces her to speak to me; after our living together since she was 4 years old she gets very upset and says that I am not her daddy's girlfriend and that I am just a "friend" and she tells everybody that.  I feel like he enforces that idea when he pushes me aside and he says I am just being ridiculous and selfish by wanting him to spend more time with me when she is here.  I don't even ask him to forego time with her, I just want him to make some time for me (maybe give her a bedtime and have grownup time with me after she is asleep even?).

Am I just ridiculous as he says, or am I right in feeling the way I do?  Help, please...

I have two stephchildren, 26 and 23. They are very sweet and we have a good relationship. Every year I have given them $50.00 each cash for Christmas. Needless to say, I'm an MT, so you have some idea of how much I make. 

I have one daughter. DH will ask me to buy a gift for him for her, which I have done. That is out of my pocket.

Does this sound right? No, really. Is this typical? Very honestly, I think Christmas is for children and that adults should not be exchanging gifts at all. Any thoughts on this whole matter? Thanks.

Well, I just checked my account again and the $2420 is back in the account due to non-sufficient funds.  There is, however, a $34 non-sufficient funds fee that will be refunded back to me after the dispute is over.  I know that in the big picture of things this does not sound like a lot of money, but it's my money I worked for and intend to get back.  I also called the bank back and made sure that PayPal could not try to take out the money again since it was reversed due to NSF.  After the dispute and we know more information, I can totally freeze PayPal from ever taking any money out of my account again.  Right now it can only be done for the exact amount they tried to take out yesterday.  I also told PayPal to take every bit of information they had on me out of their system, that I would never be needing their services again. 

The scammers just didn't count on me being a poor working girl with little money left at the end of the month.  Maybe they should give working a try instead of trying to steal other people's hard-earned money. 

Thank you all for your replies.  This just makes me all the more aware of what I am doing on-line.  I have bought many items on-line, and this is the first time anything like this has happened to me.  If they hadn't been so greedy, I probably would have had to wait out the whole ten days. 

At least the police know about the situation. Maybe they can have a talk with the owners when they return.

If you know anyone who doesn't live in your neighborhood who would like to have a sheltie - you know, if it were me, I would give it to them. The neighbors have been gone so long, if the dog disappears one night, who is to say what happened, right? They don't deserve to have a dog if they are going to treat it this way.

JMHO

Hi Trose,

Glad you called your brother and went to your doc today....ERs on the wknd are rough.  Hope you get feeling better soon.   Keep us all updated.   Cat  

Well, I had a heart to heart with my daughter yesterday.  I broke down in tears and just told her how disappointed I was in her decision to become sexually active and how my heart was broken for her.  She cried and said she didn't want to do it again, so I hope she was being honest with me.  I found out more disturbing information on her loser boyfriend having to do with some legal trouble he's been in.  We are giving her a chance to break up with him (she doesn't know that we know about the probation, arrests, etc.), but if she doesn't, we may press charges against him, just to get rid of the loser. 

Backtracking a bit, our son works for the sheriff's department, along with a lot of his buddies, who did some checking on this guy, and dug up a laundry list of trouble he's been in.  Our son is talking to our daughter today, telling her what he knows, and giving her til tonight to break it off completely with this guy, or he's telling her he'll file charges himself against this boy.  He's already checked it all out and there are things we can get him on, but we really, REALLY don't want to go this route.  It would be so hard on our daughter.  I just want the boyfriend to disappear, go away, and leave her alone.  So now, it's not so much about s-e-x anymore, but about her getting herself into some legal trouble by association with this idiot. 

AND...his mother told my DD's best friend and my DD that she would LIE TO US about the whole situation if need be.  How can a mother allow a girl to hang out with her loser, ex-con son??? It is beyond me...if it were my son, I'd tell the girl to run, not walk, away from him, he's nothing but trouble. 

Anyway, thanks y'all so much for the support and advice.  I think I handled it ok.  I think she was shocked and surprised at how upset I was.  I just admitted to her that I didn't expect this so soon, that I really didn't know how to handle it, and that I was disappointed in her actions, BUT that her father and I both love her very, very much and we will always be here for her, no matter what happens. 

It was really emotional, but good I think for the both of us.  Her 2 best friends came in in the middle of it all, and they too spilled their guts to her, so that helped also. We all cried and laughed, and talked.  BTW, I don't mention her father much, but he's here...we're married and living together...all 3 of my kids have the same father.  We've been married over 20 years now.  He's mad, upset, disappointed, and just chomping at the bit to get his hands around this kid's throat, of course...that's how men handle things, right? But overall, he's been great. 

Thanks again, y'all!

Hi Deb,

I'll check in with his mom's web page to see what kinda hats he prefers (baseball caps, knit caps, perhaps something felt, really funky like they wear at ski resorts, doo rags or those little wrap caps with flames that bikers sport) and what states he's already gotten hats from....Don't want to duplicate or bore him.    Cat    

Once again I thank all of you for your responses.  We (DH and I, with son) went to the therapist today.  We did not tell our son about the appointment.  We just checked him out of school. I really thought there would be a lot of drama but he went very willingly.  My biggest fear after reading the post on his myspace was suicide.  I myself have a history of deep depression and at 18 tried to commit suicide.  Anyway, I liked the therapist immediately. 

After a bit of discussion with my son he asked me why I thought he needed to be here.  I told him about what I read on myspace but since making the appointment I found out a few other things.  I talked with each of his 3 closest friends separatley and they all told me very similar things.  My son is 5Ǝ and weighs about 125lbs.  In my opinion this kid is an incredibly healthy eater for the most part, but take him to a Chinese buffet and he eats 2 to 4 plates full.  Same thing with lasagna, he can't get enough.  He has never said a word to us when we are together as a family about eating too much, but when he is with his friends eating out, which is at least once a week or more, he always talks about how fat he is and even sometimes says oh I ate so much I have to go throw up now.  They also talked about his moodiness but just sort of thought, we all go through those days, which I agree.

When I told this to the therapist in front of my son he kept saying it was a joke.  Well, 2 of his friends are very overweight.  I asked him how he could joke about this in front of them.  He just kept saying, just like about the myspace post, it is just a joke.  Obviously there is more going on here. 

He then talked with the therapist alone for about 30 minutes.  We took him to lunch afterwards and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about and he shrugged his shoulders and acted like what in particular should we talk about, so I let it drop.  We took him back to school and he did tell me he loved me before he got out of the car (I said it first and it is something we say in our family all the time).  After school he seemed fine but only had a few minutes because he had to get to tennis. 

I think possibly I over reacted to the threat of suicide, but I am now afraid of an eating disorder.  His bedroom and bathroom are in the basement so if he is thowing up I am definitely not aware of it. 

Yes I will definitely be more aware of his actions after we eat together and it really sucks that I have no idea what he and the therapist talked about, but I do feel better for having followed through with the appointment.  We go back in about 10 days so I feel the doc does not think he is about to harm himself.  As a matter of fact he told my son in front of us that everything they discussed he could not tell me unless he thought there was a possibility of him harming himself. 

Gosh guys, this is soooo long again.  If I didn't have you I don't know who I would talk to.  Thanks!

I just talked to my daughter's teacher.  She is really nice.  I told her about the situation and that I was concerned, especially since the mom hung up on me.  She told me she kept an eye on them in class and at lunch the girls sat together, and there were no problems as far as she could see.

She felt I did the right thing by attempting to talk to the mother and also contacting her to let her know what was going on.  She seemed to think that the "friend" has a problem sharing my daughter with the other girls and that she is a one friend type of girl. 

The teacher said she won't contact the "friend's" mom at this time because it could escalate things and I agreed with that. 

The "friend" may be going to another school next year (they're currently in private school).  She also said she was going to make a note that they not be in the same class next year in case she comes back next year.

I'm definitely happy about that!

Some of you may recall a few weeks ago when I posted about getting into a verbal altercation with the mother of a child on the opposing team.  I just wanted to give those of you who commented an update.  We played that team again yesterday and the mother was there standing where I normally stand.  I chose this time to stand on the opposite side of the field, even though my view was a little obstructed.  I said nothing to her the entire game and didn't even look her way when I passed her on my way to the concession stand.  I took your advice and kept my mouth shut.  We lost the game, but that's okay because I had the chance firsthand to see the embarrassment a child suffers when parents get out of control

Earlier this week, it was team picture night.  The mother of the child on the opposing team was there, as was her husband who is one of the assistant coaches for their team.  He made a nasty comment about the manager of his own team (using 4-letter words in front of the team) because the manager didn't realize he would be in the team pictures (he just thought they were individual) and the manager of his team "fired" him from his assistant coaching position.  So instead of just his mom standing in my usual spot, his dad was there, too.  I can only imagine the embarrassment their child must have felt because his dad was not on the field. 

I know now that my actions could have caused me to be suspended from even watching a game or 2.  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids like that.  So thanks to all for your good advice.  I have spent the last several weeks videotaping my kids rather than worrying about who's winning and who's losing. 

i took my car to my mechanic today and he said it's a bad sensor on one of my tires and that sensor is also making my abs light come.  it's going to cost $300 to get that fixed.  it's something that is not dangerous, but it is annoying.  just thought i'd pass this along in case any of ya's come across this problem.

After discussing the subject with my husband and coming up with the right words to say, I have spoken with my MIL and there will be NO MORE 4-wheeler rides.  What a relief!  And talking to her about it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I just hope she sticks to it.  I told her I would bring the stroller along from now on, and she can my daughter around the yard in that instead.  I feel much better for now, but I'm sure there will be more battles like this in the future.  I will just have to remind her that I am the mother, and when it comes to my daughter, it's my way or no way.  :)

Well, 4 hours was probably too harsh to expect an 8-year-old to sit on a chair.  He sat for about 1/2 hour.  Then I went out and talked to him.  My husband is not physical in any way.  He has never laid a finger on me and he rarely even argues back with me.  If anything, I'm the one with the temper.  However, I don't walk around smacking my kids or anything like that.  I've always tried to remain calm when correcting my kids, but lately, this kid really pushes my buttons.  We have spanked our kids when younger, nothing more than a tap or 2 on the bottom.  It probably hurt their pride more anything.  However, we've come to the realization that spankings just don't work, especially as they get older.  My other 2 kids don't have this problem with controlling their tempers.

I seriously think he just is impulsive.  He's always been that way.  I basically told him that we all have to be in control of our own bodies and that sometimes it's hard to control, but we have to learn how.  I also told him that I know that he knows how because he does it in school.  He's never been in any real trouble at school.  I also told him that I loved him but that his behavior upsets the whole house.  He has to learn to get in control of it and to get used to people telling him what to do.  He resists authority; he likes to think he's in charge.  In the end, I left him off the chair after about 40 minutes total and gave him a hug.  I told him I loved him and asked him to apologize to his brother, which he did.  He's been fine ever since and that was 2 hours ago.  I know it's never over, but at least this one is.

Thanks for the support. 

Thanks for all the support and input.

I'm happy to say my husband is no longer upset about us switching cars.  In fact, he told me I can drive his car as long as I want.  I don't think he realized how unsafe it was for me to drive the Explorer. 

He's really a good husband/father, but we just had a problem with this car issue. 

Thanks again!  I love this board!

First of all, thanks to you who took the time to respond.  I think the verification of my thoughts makes me feel better knowing that others would handle it the way I thought it should be handled.

Yesterday, my sister and I exchanged e-mails and I finally had to block her e-mail address as I couldn’t take anymore (and my work was really suffering).  Next thing I know she shows up at my door and wouldn’t leave.  I tried not answering and hid in my daughter’s room hoping she would leave.  I gave up after five or more minutes and answered the door.  Let me start off saying that this is not a normal occurrence in my family and anything like this has never happened before (except when we were kids).  We were standing at my front door having a screaming match when she reached over pulled my hair and pushed me.  I couldn’t believe it.  I put my hands up to protect myself and said “I’m calling the cops” and I did.  She left at that point.  During my 911 conversation, I realized with the business my sister is in if she has any record at all she will lose her business and I tried changing my mind and hanging up, but they wouldn’t let me.  When the officers arrived, they described it was a domestic violence call because we are family and they have to figure out what happened.  I explained to them everything and that my first instinct was to call 911, but I shouldn’t have but it was my first instinct.  She didn’t hurt me at all.  Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do.  But because I didn’t have any marks they wouldn’t arrest her, but it would be up to the prosecutor’s office.  Of course, I know how wrong it was and because of that it was the right thing to call 911.  I love her kid and don’t want him to suffer because of what a potential police record could do to her business.

I’m devastated.  You only have one family in life and mine is pretty much gone now.  My sister (and BIL) have always been the type of person who screws everyone around her.  I tried so hard to tell my husband how they are, but up until this point he didn’t understand what I meant.  She thinks I’m wrong and it is 100% our fault.  I do take blame for my husband’s actions in this whole affair and believe me he knows how upset I am because he didn’t listen to me about them.  It’s said and done, but a life lesson for all.  Think twice about storing something at someone else’s house (even family).  This was only supposed to be very temporary until my husband could finish cleaning out our garage so the quads could go in there.

I’m so glad today is a new today.

I looked again at some of the stuff.  It is all recent as the computer website history only goes back 5 days.  Some of it is male on male, transvestite, S&M also, kinky sex forums.  Now I am really worried. 

As far as looking at his private computer.....he's been acting suspiciously for about the past year.  I felt that if he was behaving suspiciously in a way that could compromise my well-being it was worth checking out.  I would give the same advice to anyone.  If I found nothing I could have put my mind at rest, and if I did find something it would confirm what I already knew in my heart perhaps.

Everyone - thanks for the advice so far.

:)