This one has struck a chord with me.
Posted By: scout leader on 2008-07-03
In Reply to: In your opinion, is there a benefit to forcing children to - stay in Boy Scouts if they hate it? sm
I have been an assistant scoutmaster for 8 years now. Yes, I am a mom, and there are women scout leaders out there! My job with our troop was Webelos-to-Scout Transition Coordinator. My job was to help our youngest boys and their families become part of our troop and to make sure that the boys have fun and get all that they can from the scout experience. Summer camp was always the make or break time for the youngest boys. You didn't say if your son is a new scout, but I assume this is his first time at summer camp. Homesickness and living in the outdoors are always the biggest hurdles during the first summer camp.
You are not over-reacting because your son is having a bad time. That's a simple fact, and he deserves to have those feelings validated and addressed. Since I'm female, I tend to approach the first-time scout's misery in a different way, and over the years, a lot of men have disagreed with my methods. But, they work. Men seem to like the stick-it-out approach, and I've seen some of the worst leaders actually tease and belittle homesick boys or boys who don't take easily to the outdoor experience. That really finishes off the boy for scouting. He quits. Do you think that is what is happening with your son?
At summer camp with our first year scouts, I always listen to them, validate their fears, and then try to help them overcome their fears with knowledge. If spiders or animals scare them, we go to the nature lodge and find out all about them. We do a good cleaning of their tents or lean-to's. I give them glo-sticks which basically is a night light for them, but it's cool and fun. One year, I had 6 new scouts in camp, each and every one crying at night for home. Our older boys talked to them and related their first-time camp experiences. The youngest guys were amazed that the big guys had also cried in camp their first year. They were never teased. In fact they were told that what they were going through was quite normal and common, and the older boys always helped them out. I never forbid the youngest boys to call home, but I did distract them with activities and asked them to wait a period before calling, making a contract with them. "Well, it's pretty late to call home tonight. Why don't you pick out a glo-stick for your bunk, and I promise that tomorrow after breakfast, you can call home if you still feel that you want to. And if during the night you have any problems or just want to talk, you can wake up a buddy and come talk to me." I and my fellow adult leaders have spent a lot of nights sitting around picnic tables talking to scouts, sometimes making a game of listening for owls or watching spiders crawl across the table in the lantern light. And if boys do call home, I would run like crazy to the camp phone to call the parents first to let them know what was going on and to tell them to expect a call from their son. In that way, parents were prepared, and we could coordinate our efforts to help their son.
Basically, it just takes some compassion. The hard core approach doesn't work.
Why do I go through all the trouble? Because I know the value of the scouting program. When it's done well, it goes a long way to help parents raise up honorable men. In our troop, our scouts learn to be compassionate, because we've modeled that sort of behavior for them. They learn about living in the outdoors, and learn to take care of themselves and others. That gives them a sense of accomplishment and makes them feel capable. They learn problem-solving skills and teamwork. These are all important life skills, and when scouting is done well, boys who come through are lightyears ahead of most of their non-scout peers by the time they are 18.
But that only happens when it's done right. There are great troops and adult volunteers in the BSA, but there are unfortunately some real losers, as well. It's true that scouting is not for everyone, but there is no reason for so many boys to be pushed away because of issues that just need a little careful thought and attention. This is one of my most passionate issues with scouting. Even the BSA knows that the first year scout is the most likely to quit, and they spend a lot of money and time training volunteers on this subject. It seems that some adults don't learn as quickly as others, though. And there is a core of leaders who like to remember what it was like when they were boy scouts, and won't move ahead or adapt their techniques for the boy of today's times. A new 11-year-old scout should not be expected to act like a man and tough it out. He's still a boy, and living in the woods is usually a totally new experience for him. MOST boys are scared at first, but the men and other boys hate to admit it. A new scout just needs some patience, understanding and time to mature. He needs to feel safe even when he's struggling, and he needs to know that he is supported.
I don't know all the details of your son's experience, but if you think that what I've said might apply to him, you might consider looking for another troop, one that will provide him with a good, supportive program. Not all scout troops are the same. Each has a different personality, so perhaps another troop would suit your son better. If that's not possible, or if at this point he is completely turned off by scouting, there are certainly other activities out there that can teach him the things that are learned through scouting. Encourage him to find out what his talents are and help him to explore all of the possibilities that life has to offer.
I'm so sorry to hear that your son is not enjoying scouts. It really breaks my heart when I hear such stories, because I know that the adult volunteers could handle the situation better. My own sons had a hard time the first time they went to camp, which is why I got involved. I knew there was a better way to deal with such a common problem. My oldest, who is now 20, still works with scouts, and my youngest will receive his Eagle Scout rank in just a couple of weeks. I have seen many, many boys' lives changed for the better by the scouting program, including my own sons. I hope that your son can also have a great experience in scouting.
I'm always happy to talk about scouting, and if you'd like to send me a private message, I'd be glad to share more of my thoughts on the subject.
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It struck me as really really funny as well.
Looks like you struck a nerve
j/k
Kids are going to have accidents and get hurt, no matter how much you try to avoid it. How many times have you mothers out there been busy cooking or taking a shower or doing any of a hundred other necessary daily-life activities and your child has come to you with a bruise or scrape or cut or whatever? IT HAPPENS. No matter how good a mom you are, no matter how hard you try. No one is perfect and no, mothers don't really have eyes in the back of their heads.
So come on, everybody take a deep breath and RELAX, okay?
I think I struck a nerve with you because
your happiness is based on being taken care of and you would stay whether you were beaten, unhappy, cheated on, etc. As I said, I am a very secure person.
I seem to have struck a nerve...sm
Although this is not about me, I happen to hold two degrees - a bachelor's and a masters.
Now, if I am permitted on that basis to speak, please note that I offered no negative opinion about this individual. I don't know him, obviously. I merely advised caution and due consideration.
One of my degrees, incidentally, is in Security Management, and I'm a member of both the IACA and IALEIA, which are crime analysis and criminal intelligence associations, respectively, as well as ACFE, the Association of Certified Fraud Examiners. I teach courses in identity theft at the local community college. I think that I do know something about the cautions that I offered - which were NOT opinions about this individual.
As I said, I posted very reluctantly. Obviously, you do not appreciate the fact that when I did post it was because I was concerned.
Oh, and by the way...you know nothing at all about what I happen to know about my partner, so I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your venom to yourself because my post did not merit that kind of response. I do wonder, however, what it comes from, and if I had to make a bet, well...I'll let you finish it.
One thing that struck me
in your 2nd long post (I just skimmed it, so might have missed something else important) was that you said you felt he would become physically abusive if you confronted him about it (if I read it right).
If that it the case, the rest does not even matter. You should not be with a man who would abuse you should you step on his toes.
As far as the porn. I think it's kind of like eating goodies, smoking, or what have you ... it is difficult to keep it at a level that is not crossing a line.
I think often men who are overboard will lose interest in sex with their partner or will start to objectify her(it will be pretty obvious if this is going on when you are having sex ... been there).
And the real truth (no matter what others find acceptable), if it is a problem for you ... it's a problem.
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