This is exactly how I dealt with backtalking when I raised my kids.
Posted By: no backtalk ever! on 2007-12-07
In Reply to: Don't spank, but zero tolerance for outright definance/talking back (sm) - NCMT
Honestly, I would have been prepared to smack a kid right in the face for talking back to me, but it never came to that. Not even close! I started with them from the time they could talk. I modeled respectful speech, and when they shouted at me or spoke disrespectfully, they got the stern mom-voice and a time out in their room. By the time they were in school, all I had to do was give them a look. So many people have asked me, "How can you get them under control with just a look?" I guess I just cultivated that super power when they were little! Really, it was just consistency. Today, I have adult children, and when we're gathered for dinner together and we're laughing over our cups of coffee at the end of the meal, invariably one of them will crack some sort of joke or make a comment that will prompt me to give them that look. Immediately, the offender will say, "Sorry, mom!" and give me a sheepish grin. And then they'll all start up about how mom still has the power of the look. My eldest, the real wise-guy, once snapped a picture of me at the precise moment I gave someone The Look, and he now has it taped to his refrigerator door. He says it reminds him to behave as he goes through life, plus it makes him smile. Makes me smile, too!
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The kids would have been raised as my own and
been able to have what I gave my own. It is sad in that as the birthmother wanted them back, she eventually got them only to turn back to drugs and last I heard kids out on the streets again. One person can only do so much.
I've dealt with this on both sides.
I have 3 boys. My oldest son is very giving and caring (sounds like your daughter). He's been bullied a few times. Different responses apply to each individual bully. Some bullies can be dealt with best by the school or their parents. These are usually the kids who come from good homes and their parents don't always know what happens when they're not around. I generally deal with the parents if they're level-headed. If not, I go straight to the school.
Other bullies come from parents who don't give a darn what they do. These kids are the hardest to deal with. I have had to face these bullies myself. I flat out told them if they continue to pick on my son or bully him, I will call the police and they will be dealt with as a juvenile deliquent. This seemed to stop things pretty quick. I also followed that up with the letting school know what was going on because I had a feeling the child might pick on my son when I'm not there. The school was great about this and were well aware of this bully's behavior. It alerted them to keep a closer watch on my son at recess when this kid was around.
The other side of the fence is my 7-year-old son. I had gotten a call from his teacher early in the school year that he was bullying a couple of smaller kids. My son had a late birthday, so I held him for kindergarten, making him a year older than most of his peers. There didn't seem to be any problem in kindergarten, but by first grade, he realized that he was bigger than most and could use this to his advantage. From that first call I got from his teacher, I made it very clear to him that I would not tolerate bullying from him. I also told him the school would be watching him and if I hear any reports of him bullying others, I would punish him at home as well. Other than a few minor kid things, he's been pretty great. I even explained to him that because he was bigger than the little kids, he needed to protect them and watch over them like a big brother. He's come home a couple of times and told me how some older kids were picking on his friends and he stepped up and told them to knock it off. I was very proud of him and needless to say, he has a lot of "girlfriends" now.
My point here is that not all parents know what their kids are like outside of the home. It's very possible this girl's mother had no idea. Unfortunately, she was already hurt and angry when you talked to her and it probably didn't help things. I would suggest sticking with the teacher from now on with this one, and in the future, bring any problems immediately to the teacher's attention or the parents (depending on their temperament and how well you know them). Most importantly, I have also taught my children to stand up for themselves, use a firm voice, but walk away if it's just words and we'll deal with it together. The only time I allow my children to hit is if they're being physically hit and the other child won't stop. Our school has a zero tolerance for fighting, and it just wouldn't be worth getting expelled otherwise.
Hang in there. She's only 8 -- the really bullying starts in the teen years (I'm remembering mine), not being popular enough or having money or wearing cool clothes or being too smart or not thin enough. It goes on and on. In that case, I'm glad I have boys. They get less catty as they get older (I hope).
Anyone ever dealt with (especially married to) a true narcissist? (sm)
I have posted on here a couple of times about my husband and now I am finally figuring out that this is what is going on with him and why I question myself so often. Has anyone been married to a narcissist and did you get out??
Has anyone ever dealt with a legit Secret Shopper company?
I've often thought of doing this, but wonder if there are any legit ones or if they are all scams.
I, too, am with you on this - was raised by someone..
This is a very imperfect world and hence, I never expect children to be perfect - just to do the best that they can and to continue to move in a forward pattern.
We are all humans and we all forget stuff.
My mother ruled with an iron fist and you could eat off her floors. My house is nice, neat, and clean but I'm not iron-fisted nor was I ever nor will I ever be, and my kids are pretty well centered today, young adults with minimal problems, who work and are VERY RESPONSIBLE AND CARING human beings. *S* 
Of course, being ruled by someone iron-fisted (and abusive), I ended up in therapy for BEAUCOUP years as a young person; became a better mother because of it years later, proving that history does NOT necessarily repeat itself.....not all who come from abuse continue being abusers!! I broke the family generational history of all the bull and hypocrisy!
Again, this is a very imperfect world - nobody should expect perfection actually. 
Not always how they are raised
I too had a pitbull from 9 weeks of age. No one could have told me then that a dog raised as she was would turn out to be nothing by heartbreak. She was well socialized, raised around people, livestock, children, other dogs, and cats. We took her everywhere with us. She went to work with me every day on a ranch. She graduated top dog in her obedience class. She was the most wonderful loving dog, with us...until around the age of 3 years, then something snapped in her little brain and she became the killer the breed is known for. It happened overnight. We came home to find the cat she was raised with from a puppy ripped to shreds with blood all over the garage. After that, her personality changed. She became so spaced out every time she would see a small child, cat, or another dog. We tried to justify it, like a parent always does when their child does something horribly wrong. Then she got hold of another dog at the ranch whom she had known and played with for a year. Fortunately, that dog survived and we were rightfully sued big time. We had her destroyed the next day instead of taking a chance on her getting one of our children or one of the neighborhood children or somone elses pet. It was the hardest decision we have ever made, she was like our child.
The difference between pitbulls and MOST other breeds is that most other breeds bite and walk away, whereas pitbulls don't stop until they kill, it's in their blood. Once this instinct is turned on there is no shutting it off, and you can never know when and if this instinct will come out in your pitbull. I do know some nice old pitbulls who are sweathearts, but to me the risk is too great to take a chance knowing the potential they have to become killers without notice. There are too many other nice breeds out there where you will never have to worry about it. We now have a lab and our children and other pets, not to mention the neighborhood children and pets, are safe. My two cents based on personal experience on the subject.
You raised him. nm
mmm
I raised 2 boys on my own.
Maybe some of these techniques that assisted me can do the same for you:
1) Literally write down a list of rules that you want observed in your home. Not what you think you can get him to do but what you actually WANT. Make copies for his bedroom, for the refrigerator, for his billfold, for every room you can. (I printed mine off and framed them in certificate frames and hung them up. Be specific. Cover all areas.)
2) Literally write down behaviors and language you are not going to tolerate and rank them.
2) Literally write down a list of everything that is important to this youngster. Include friends (by name), electronics (iPod, computer, etc.), privileges (telephone, friends coming over, going out, driving), and places he enjoys going (movies, sports events, eating establishments, etc.). Rank these in order of importance to him.
3) If possible, have your husband (separated, correct?) to meet with you first and agree and provide a united front. Agree on what you expect of him as his parents, what is best for his wellbeing. Write down how you will construct discipline and dispense punishment. Make it appropriate, reasonable and, above all, something you will actually do.
5) Have a meeting with your son (and your husband, if he is onboard with you). Give your son a copy of the new rules, the discipline tactics, the unacceptable behaviors and the punishments. Go over each one of them. Don't argue. Don't explain too much. The lists are clear. Everything has a yes/no as to its use and everything has an if with it as well.
Here's the hardest part: Do what you say. If his language is offensive, he can't talk on the phone. Period. No exceptions, period. Even if you have to unplug it and keep the cord in your pocket. Never argue; never raise your voice. Just calmly make your statement and leave it alone. The more he carries on, the more trouble he will incur. Let him handle the stress of it. If you protect him from the consequences of his actions, he will never, ever change and never learn. (Warning: His behavior WILL get worse before it gets better and then it will wax/wane on occasion just to test the waters.)
Stay with him after school in his tutoring. I showed at school one day in high school for my oldest. One day for 2 classes and that was all it ever took. Made the difference with my youngest, too! Neither one wanted me showing up and sitting next to him in class! Be there but let the teacher do the tutoring. Just be there to enforce his attendance and understand what is happening in the sessions.
Praise good/changed behavior but do not reward it. If it is behavior you are wanting to be an expected behavior, praise it, acknowledge it. Reward exceptional behavior that goes beyond what you have set rules for.
Make sure he is involved in his own caretaking: Laundry, specific chores (no pay -- no ma'am, do not pay any child to contribute to their household), help cook one night a week, yard work, etc.
Be watchful of his music, TV watching, movie going. These can have just as devastating of an impact on him as his so-called friends. Make sure you know who his friends' parents are, what they do; do you agree with how they live? How these friends act? If not, restrict his activities with them.
Get him involved in some type of sport he enjoys and into a youth group if at all possible. It is important.
I hope these tips will help you as much as they did me.
Well, I was raised on a farm so...sm
I knew early on what confine meant when we had a cow ready to give birth. My grandpa "confined" her to keep her from running off into the pasture to have it on her own. You can imagine my surprise (disgust actually) when I heard educated doctors use basically the same phraseology towards a human-being...I was a tad disturbed. Then I thought...it was probably a good thing I had been confined then or God only knows which park I may have had my daughter in. LOL
Born and raised here but.......
I have never had sweetbreads or like you call it organ meat, not in my lifetime either unless starving. I know of no one in my family nor have I ever met that eats such. Oh BTW, my big chain grocery carries liver (as I suppose most stores in the US do) but have never seen the other organ meats you speak of so I guess in the south maybe not so popular?
I think that it is just the way most gen x'ers were raised...
Not me, of course. I was at the tail end of Gen X and raised very conservatively, but if you take away discipline and family values from growing children, what do you expect when they are all grown up?
I wouldn't, but that's just me. I was raised that
no matter what life dealt us, we had a safe haven in our parents' home to come back to if we needed it, and I would like my children to feel that way. I think they grow up & move off too soon anyway... :)
I was raised in Port Richmond.
X
Thank you!! I was raised in the south by 2 southerns
and this type of behaviour is completely not tolerated! We moved to the midwest when I was older and still have never been talked to like that until we moved to the east coast!! Maybe it's normal here to not have manners or respect for women??
Born and raised in Ewa Beach,
have not been home in almost 21 years. I think I like Bermuda better.
I turned out really well, thanks to the village that raised me.
And, I had a really wonderful dad. I guess the best thing for you to do is to make your daughter's friend feel welcome in your home. My best friends growing up had great families, and I loved going to their houses for sleepovers, dinners, and just hanging out. Their examples gave me good models for how to care for my family and home when I became a wife and mother. As I said, this was back in the 1960s, and no one talked about such things in those days. So no one ever took me aside and talked to me about what was going on at home. I suppose, had it been going on in this day and age, the schools and authorities would have been contacted and I'd have had counseling, and whatever else is done these days. I'm not saying those are bad things, just that the people in my small town simply went with their intuition. They knew I didn't have a stable home life, so they offered it to me in their own homes. I remember all the mothers of my friends very fondly, to this day. All of them have since passed away. They were wonderful women. One in particular, kept in touch with me for years after I grew up and moved away, and even hand-knit Christmas stockings for my family, which I treasure to this day.
Was born and raised in WV. Now I live
just across the state line in VA. Am still a WV girl at heart. Can't think of a better song to sing. Would rather sit in the sun as opposed to raking leaves though! LOL!
this is true - my daughter is not raised like I was.
nm
Yes, dad has the same hopes as you. Ah yes, Mother raised us right.
Too bad all women are not as perfect as she (rest her soul), nor as fortunate to have had such a loving and dedicated, albeit rough-around-the edges, husband.
born/raised in sacramento, ca
and yes, it has changed tremendously in last 30+ years; so much bigger. i still have family there, but do not like going there anymore.
Yes I am, born and raised in Kentucky and
x
keep in mind, you guys raised us.
nm
I remember that, but I thought animals can be raised sm
for that purpose, which is bad enough, but sold in hardware stores?
And evidently not raised w/etiquette emphasis!
and evidently not raised w/etiquette emphasis!....
Born and raised there in Wahiawa, HI. Left after sm
my mom remarried. I was soo homesick that I went back. But then I missed my mom too much and then came back to her here. It's been about 13 years since I've been back. I've since married and my "dream" is to take my husband and 3 children "home." It would cost around 8,000 to go for a 1 week vacation with 5 airline tickets, etc. We've looked into it many times.
The funny thing is this. I always have dreams that we are there. All of a sudden I'm at the Honolulu Airport picking up leis. Or I'm on a beach in HI and all my kids are with me. One dream I had was so vivid that I actually asked my husband if we were really there. He said, "Of course we are." And it was just like I remembered it. On the beach. I began crying because I was SOO excited. And then I woke up. Isn't that tragic? haha
I'm part Hawaiian from my paternal grandfather
No just plain old Methodist, raised Baptist (sm)
don't really think it has religious roots though.
You guessed right! Raised in the North and will die in the south!!
m
I raised mine and 3 nieces as one family sm
I did it alone with child support help and being an MT. You can only imagine the hours it took to support 7 kids!!!!
Anyway, we never had money for fun stuff and if we had all the necessities it was a very good month. I finally told them: Look, I make $20-25 when I am working. Working means my hands are on the keyboard. I don't get paid to pick up your junk, clean the kitchen or scrub the toilet. Every time I have to take time away from the desk to do these things FOR YOU, it is costing YOU $20-25 for things you need/want. The more hours I can work, the more we have in the bank.
I can't tell you why they listened, but they did. They got to where they would name a "price" for a bigger job like cleaning the family room alone, doing all 3 bathrooms for me or cleaning the kitchen and then doing the floor in the kitchen and diningroom (it was huge). The "price" might be a movie ticket, a whole weekend with a friend, nail polish, large candy bars, a much-desired item of clothing. Small jobs could be added up and presented to me as a list and negiotations began. They worked, I "paid" and the house was no longer a mess. I also made more money under less stressful conditions.
My own kids, now grown, have all come to me and thanked me for the way I raised them. I used to say, I know you don't like this, but by the time you are 21, you'll thank me. They were all 19 when the said they feel that they were raised better than all their friends and thank you for being a great mom. They marvel at the spotless house I now keep alone and that I am always to calm like I have no stress. I remind them, I only have to take care of myself these days and you all were a LOT of work.
No, born and raised mainly in Tampa area sm
but his family lived in Louisiana for about a year when he was 3 or so. His grandfather was from Texas, though, so it could be from that also. Tampa is not "Southern" like the panhandle area of Florida. The main influence on food here is Cuban. It's funny because I never even ate at a Chinese place until I moved here, and now I love so many different ethnic cuisines - Greek, Cuban, Chinese, and I don't know what all else. I could eat fried plantains and a Cuban sandwich one day, a gyro and some Greek potato salad the next. Maybe that's why I gained so much weight after I met my husband LOL 
You could post an update and answer some of the questions raised?
x
My home is Philly also. Love it, born and raised here. nm
x
My advice, having raised 2 boys with voracious appetites
Yes, plan. Plan a week's worth of dinners, plus any other meals that you and your boys will eat at home. Plan a limited amount of snacks. Buy everything in 1 trip if you can and mark what can be eaten randomly and what cannot.
Watch for sales and buy a few things in bulk when you can to save a little. Put your savings into a piggybank or jar. When you save with coupons, do the same thing. This is your eating-out money.
When the snacks for the week are gone, they are gone. Teenagers are perfectly capable of making enough money to fund their snacking and even contributing a bit to weekly food bills or providing their own eat-out money.
I had a $400 budget for myself and 2 boys although, if I had to, I could spend much less.
I never bought sodas, ice cream, cookies. We did have chips, though. Their snacks were more like mini-meals, hahaha.
You should also teach them to cook at this age. I started teaching mine to cook in their early teens and then eventually each had 2 nights a week they cooked for all of us. We had some rather unappetizing meals at first but they got the hang of it and now do an excellent job shopping, cooking and taking care of themselves.
I was raised Southern Baptist, watched the hipoccracy around me
Watch George Carlin's "It's All Bad For You". This was his last stand up and he talks a lot at the beginning about death and relgion. He makes perfect sense! What's ironic to me is that my mom and grandma, who are christians, send me emails with his philosophy a lot. He's a very outspoken athiest so it's funny that the same people who tell me to boycott The Golden Compass would send me funnies from an athiest POV.
Actually I didn't really follow anything/anybody other than logic and by taking science classes. The bible, IMO, is an ancient tool to keep people in line. Fear is a strong motivator and many, many wars have been fought in the name of religion. I think once we let go of dogma we can truely obtain a peaceful society.
Wow - raised in small Southern Baptist Church - can't imagine this. (sm)
As new preachers have come and gone over the years, I can't ever remember one even repainting a room in the parsonage without checking with someone much less getting rid of anything.
This sounds very, very strange and I agree with you that there is something wrong here. Do you not have any kind of an advisory board or anything within the church? Perhaps you should form one and seek out another preacher. Some of these old churches are so lovely. I can't imagine anyone tearing down our old church. It was old when I was married in it almost 40 years ago.
Good luck to you and any other members, past, present or future, of this church.
Hi; I was born and raised here, only went to college in California, my cousin recently......sm
bought a beautiful big house and land in North Carolina near the Virgina border, so much more for the $$$$, great area, I don't know about jobs because her husband is older and can take an early retirement, but it is very temperate there, usually lovely weahter, and not AS MUGGY in the summer as it is if you go further south, and also the seacoast is gorgeous. Hope this helps, God Bless, at least the days are getting longer here, it is actualy 53 degrees as I write this, I think the Winters get longer every year, though, in New England, even though I love NE. Take Care!
It didn't work out due to combining of kids and step kids. nm
*
Born in the south, raised in the south, still live here and WHAT?
I do not love fats and butter, never. South Georgia is about as southern as you can get. I do not want to clog my arteries and eat organic as much as I can. You cannot speak for everyone, only yourself.
The WHO raised it to a phase/level 4 now. A phase
5 is pandemic. SARS never made it to a level 4, so it's getting scary now.
Nope, no kids with him, all of our kids are 20 and over.
I would think that some of the $12,000 A YEAR he paid in support for over 9 years should have been enough to save some for college. He paid his dues so to speak, always paid the support on time, had insurance for them, etc. He told them straight up to pay for their own college. Is there something wrong with that?
ESL kids have a label =$$$. When the illiterate kids get a label slapped on them - they will get a
Most public schools do not teach children to read with intensive phonics. It has nothing to do with class size IMHO. The method of reading instruction is what determines if the kids will learn to read or not.
Consider homeschooling her.
Each child represents a $ amount to public school administration. As long as the child attends they get their $. They still get X amount of $ for each year they teach or do not teach a kid to read.
Their compensation is not reduced when they produce illiterate adults.
I believe my kids would still believe . .
had I not got totally busted by my 10-year-old son. My 7-year-old still believes. I always asked as my kids if they believe and when they said yes, I said that that is all that is important. My son caught me playing the EB last Easter. He said to me yesterday, "Come on, a giant bunny hopping around the country bringing easter baskets? How long did you expect me to fall for that?" I about split a gut laughing!!! However, both older children know how important it is to let the 7YO believe, we all watched Polar Express last night and they still were mesmerized!!!
I think a LOT of men are like that with kids
Maybe because since such a high % of marriages end in divorce, some of them keep a distance there. After all, when divorces happen, who gets the kids? Also, women tend to take charge when it comes to the kids and men tend to allow it. I truly believe that kids do not always strengthen a marriage but often the opposite. I have seen statistics stating that more couples with children get divorced than those who don't have any. Interesting, huh? JMO
That's why I won't have kids.
I have totally turned off the need/want to have kids, because I know my husband could never handle it. I don't want to be a single parent...especially a married single parent, know what I mean? It's an incredible commitment and they don't stay portable and nonverbal for long.
What do your kids
What do your kids call you and your spouse? Would you mind if they changed it, as in Mom instead of Mommy, as they got older? My kids call me Mom. If they call me Ma......I correct them, I don't LIKE it!! My son's GF calls me Mommy or Mom, I don't mind. My DIL calls me by my first name, I don't mind that either. I have a stepson, he also calls me Mom.
I do but only to keep an eye on my kids. NM
x
Hello......if you want your kids to know...
about STDs and how not to get pregnant, YOU teach them. Why should there have to be programs about that at all? If you want them to have condoms, you buy them, don't ask the school nurse to hand them out. As to the genius of a President...at least he is trying. The one before him was hardly an advertisement for wise choices where sex is concerned ala black dress and use of cigars in a way that NO one ever intended...and committed felony perjury while a sitting President. Oh, but, heck....who cares, right?? Geeeezzz. Gimme a break.
Hello, yourself. If I had kids, I would...sm
Teach them those things. And if you're questioning why there s/b sex ed programs in school at all, why do you seem to be defending the current abstinence-only ones? They're worse than nothing at all because they give inadequate and downright *false* information. How is not having all the facts (or having the wrong "facts") ever a good thing? Just doesn't make any sense to me. If you want Bush to get credit because "at least he's trying" well, that seems like a pretty low standard for the president of our country.
Now as far as Clinton, I never said I was a fan. You're assuming an awful lot there. I don't even want to get into that.
I was one of four kids (sm)
and I was always wishing that my twin sister and I could have parents of our own. Living with mean older siblings was no fun!
Once again, your kids are still not that old
but when my son married, completely absorbed into not only his wifes life (which I am the first to say she comes first) but also her family and I basically just lost a son. Just swallowed up by her side and you would not know he really had a mother anymore. Quit trying on that end some time ago.
Especially with little kids
nm
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