The more you talk against him.....

Your mom is going to try to defend him, so I think you may need to really tread carefully there.  It's like when you have a kid (or were a kid) if Mom said do this, you did that, just out of sheer orneriness.

Now as to him sending her his debit card number, I'll be shocked and surprised if any repair shop accepts just a number like that for payment.

Have you tried going to the local police to see if they have any info on him or if they know of anything similar happening to anyone else?  You could tell them the bit about the debit card - maybe there is a way to find out if it is stolen or not.

Beyond that, I really don't know what to tell you.  Mom is an adult.  I'm assuming she is a mentally competent adult, so you can't have her committed or anthing like that.  Does she live alone?  This is far out there, but is there a possibility you could get to her computer and put a filter of some sort on that would block him ?  I don't know if that's possible or feasible.

Good luck.

• being scammed - mother needs help
  • scammer says he's in Canada - mother needs help
    • The more you talk against him..... - Happy MT Robin

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As I said before in another post, I miss everyone so much...

So, I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about.  Love my new job, love that spring is on the way, and I love that my belly is absolutely filled up with pancakes my husband kindly made for me just now...even though it's lunchtime and not breakfast.  I'm one of those freaks that could eat breakfast-type foods at every meal. 

...and that reminds me that it's almost that time of year to order some baby chicks for next month.  Laying hens, not for meat or anything, just eggs and entertainment.  I can't wait for warm weather--it's been a long HARSH winter this year.  In fact, I think we're due for another ice storm at the end of the week. 

I hope everyone who stops by to read my note about nothing finds themselves and their families in good health.  Miss you all, even the ones that can't stand seeing that "Hayseed" name up there. 

Any discussion or decisions about your son's feelings should be done with your son.  This is an ideal situation to guide him in a positive direction.  First of all, you are his mother and always will be.  She may be doing the parenting tasks for now, and should be respected for giving of herself, but she should not interfere in your relationship with your son.  Unfortunately that happens too often in families of divorce these days.

Ask how he feels about what is being said.  Ask how he responds to it...or does not not respond at all.  There may come a time where he listens to the garbage, then can stand up to her and say, "Aunt _____, I appreciate everything you are doing to help me with letting me stay here.  There are some people who would not do what you are doing for me.  But, my mom is my mom and I love her.  She is always going to be my mom and you are always going to be my aunt.  I feel I am lucky to have two different mom figures in my life that I can count on to help me learn how to deal with adult problems."

This sounds really dorky and I'm sorry others were as harsh towards you.  I hope you put your own feelings in check and focus on your son's feelings as those being the ones that should be focused upon.  He will be coming back to you one day, and everything that happens while he is away will stay with him.  How you react is going to have more of an impact than what she says/does, especially when it is negative.

I know something of what you are going through.  I am raising my grandchild.  My ex's family did not speak to me for 10 years, but now that I have custody of my grandchild, for my ex's sake, they have been more genuinely caring and welcoming to me than my own family.  There are a lot of words from the past being swallowed by my ex-SIL.  I have proven that beyond myself, my decisions first reflect the best interest of the child.  Everyone, even the child, feels it and knows it to be true.  From that, respect is being rebuilt.

Good luck to you and your son.

Sit down with him and tell him very calmly that you feel uncomfortable with this situation and ask him why he feels the need to do this. No matter what he says, keep your cool, and do your best not to say anything to make him feel defensive. Just be very clear about your feelings and your desire for him to stop this behavior.

To be honest, I doubt very much he will change, and I don't blame you for not wanting to live with this situation. The reason I am suggesting that you talk to him about it is to make it clear to him exactly what the problem is so that if/when you seek a divorce, he cannot claim that he didn't know there was a problem.

Internet addiction, particularly internet porn addiction, is a serious problem and is not easily "cured". I'm glad the two of you don't have any children. That will make things much easier, at least when it comes to legalities. Emotionally I know it is devastating, and I am very sorry you are going through this.

where my husband and I stand regarding number of times per week/month... whatever.  We are in our early 40s and we do at least 3 times a week and he seriously thinks it should be daily.  I think he gets it more than most; maybe not.

This place is what I mean....

Sometimes I mention to people, that 'someone on the MTStars' said this or that, and they look at me like I have three heads or something!

I just seem to know lots of people who don't even KNOW what a message board is ... just wondering if it's cause I live up here in the boonies?

I would talk to her about getting a restraining order against him and possibly pressing charges for the threats and harrassment.  I know this may sound extreme, but your dad sounds pretty unstable.  I get the idea that maybe you don't want to be the one to turn him in, that's why I suggested you talk to your mom about doing it and go together to do it. 

If I remember correctly, you're married, right?  Is your husband at all willing to get involved and maybe tell your dad to stop.  Maybe he could get through to your dad a little better.

For the short term with the phone calls, I would answer it the first time he calls and tell him before he even starts talking that "I'm working and I will call you when I'm finished."  Then hang up and when you are done, call him.  Lay out the ground rules during that callback -- i.e. talking about mom is off-limits.  Be firm.  If he continues to call you after you tell him you'll call him back, turn the ringer on your phone off.  My phone still lights up, so I can see that someone is calling, but there's no constant ringing to interrupt.  It might take a few times, but be persistent and hopefully it will work. 

I am the grandma, but I'm raising my granddaughter.  Both parents have supervised visitation, but don't visit.  My ex-husband, my GD's only grandfather, comes to get her every couple of months for a visit either alone with her or with his family.  When this happens, she gets loaded down with presents.  Even though there are other children in the family (although she is the youngest), none of the others are not treated equally.  They all feel "so bad" for what has happened to my GD (granted it HAS been bad), but a special extended family dinner, huge bag of toys and candies for Valentine's Day was just too much for me.  I asked him to please consider and talk to his family about these excesses.  I reminded him that if he/they continued to treat her as "damaged," she will consider herself as being "damaged" and will always have a victim attitude and have the expectation that she should be treated differently.  Once he thought about it from point of view, he understood better and things have cooled down.  They still visit, but the gifts are fewer and not as over-the-top as before.

I think the same thing happens to children of divorces.  The noncustodial family tries to over compensate for not being there as much as the custodial parent.  I don't think your daughter needs to speak to the new "wife", but should try to have a reasonable and nonthreatening talk with her ex about always trying to think what is best for the child...not the adults.  Every time I need to make a decision, I always ask myself "is this in her best interest."  I've had to make some hard decisions, and this philosophy has made everything easier.  Good luck.

bad about the rheumatologist, but compared to where I was a year ago - mine has been a godsend.  He has me taking tramadol for generalized pain and when it gets severe I take hydrocodone (I've only been in treatment since January), he says we'll keep me on this for now as long as its managing the pain and when it doesn't work then we'll change it (so far so good - pain comes and goes - the fatigue is the worst by far and like you said nothing can be done for that), I take 900 mg of Neurontin for the tingling/numbness in my legs/feet, 150 mg of Zoloft and Zanaflex for the muscle spasms.  He also has me walking 30 minutes a day, stretching exercises and once my pool is opened for the summer he has given me a instruction video on some water aerobics to work on to help the muscles.  I really hate that so many people have had failed attempts with the rheumatologist becaue mine has been great - (let me knock on wood that it stays this way)...thanks for the advice though in case something should change and he not be an advocate for my health in managing my pain, etc..I know where to go..

I just bought a Will through Suze Orman's site (love her!), but was wondering about the part where you need to bring 2 witnesses with you to get it notarized. Has anyone done this or know how to go about getting this all done? The people I would trust to go with are in the Will, so what do you do? Can I go to the library or Currency Exchange? I watch her show and finally cracked down to get one since I am 39 with a family. Any experience or advice would be great. You can also e-mail me.

Thanks!

Tomorrow's my day off, and I will see if the ex is receptive to reason.  We have real problems communicating about most any issue, his general attitude is "don't you dare try to tell ME what to do, biatch!".  It is the policy of his household to have all calls put on speakerphone and let anybody in his household at the time I call horn in on what I wish could be private phone conversations with my son.  I have repeatedly complained to the court about this practice, the court has ordered him to keep the speaker phone off when I call, but he ignores it, and even if I go to the trouble of recording/submitting every conversation to the court, they aren't going to do anything about it.

He is deeply involved with people (who I knew very well back when) that are paranoid hypochondriacs who have abused antibiotics to the point that no antibiotics work for them any more.  Since he mentioned their name when he barged into the last phone conversation, I am assuming they have his ear and have influenced him into this overreaction.  Since I disagree with his actions he is likely to become hostile and tell me to shove off, but I guess I'll try and see if there's any hope of making him see reason.  I suppose it'll all be about timing - if there's a houseful of ne'er do wells shouting comments when I call tomorrow, I'll know whether to try or not.

My heart goes out to you, but like the poster said, this has nothing to do with you.  I think you need to talk to him gently and with kindness.  If he is gay and doing this, he is probably feeling ashamed.  If you really love him, talk to him.  I know that you are really hurt by finding this out, but it really is better that you did find it, because at least you can discuss it.  Some women get blind sided and one day their husband say their gay and leave.  I know a guy who always knew, but was so afraid of living his life gay because of all the ridicule, he fought it and was he was miserable.  He wasted so much time and so much of his life.  You dont want that for your husband or for yourself.  Its devasting to you, but he is living a lie.. and he needs to open up to you so that you can go on with your lives.  I found regular porn on my husbands computer and a call to a phone sex line...I never said a word to him and then about one year later I found out he was cheating.  Never in my wildest dreams would that man have ever done that to me, but he did.  He loves me to death, but it happened.  God bless..Hope is all works out. 

...but we should talk about this more. so people know what to look before marrying these guys.  society just focuses on the wedding day and having the cute little babies and family.  I think many Christians frown on divorce so it can be hard seeking help from church.

I am sorry for the things you have gone through.  It really breaks my heart.   You must really have an attachment to him to stay.  This one you may have to get counseling from people who can help you leave. who can help you gather evidence against him so you don't lose your kid and who can help you stay safe from him. These type men don't want to pay child or spousal support so are quite dangerous from my observation .  I wouldn't try to salvage this marriage, my persoanl opinion of course..  I am really upset by your post.  No one should endure this kind of treatment.  You need to come up with a plan.  Not just for your dignity and self-respect, but for your saftety and your child's safety, a happy momma makes a happy baby, not parents who are together but are unhappy.. . He doesn't have any respect whatsoever for your or his own kid.   He obviously doesn't respect or love himself.  Can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.   This reminds me of that cop who keeps marrying 20-something yo and they keep coming up dead or missing.  He is now engaged to another 20-something.  Coo-coo!

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/12/17/national/main4674299.shtml

First with the phone calls, I would use an answering machine and screen all calls, or maybe unplug the phone while you are working.  Can you get one of those cheap pay as you go cell phones, give your dad the number and then change your home # and don't tell him?

It sounds, at least to me, that your dad needs immediate psych help.  Is there a Baker Act or something where you live?  Does your mom have a restraining order on him (it sounds to me like she needs one).  There's only so much you can do for someone that doesn't seem to want help.  While I loved my parents immensely, I would have sent them to an MD or shrink if one of them started doing this.  Sometimes there's a role reversal in parents and adult kids where the parents are acting more like kids which leaves the child to be the adult and make them do stuff they really don't want to.  I've had that happen to me while my parents were sick, and while it wasn't any fun I knew I had to force them to do things (take meds and see MDs) they didn't want to.

Good luck.  Hopefully someone else might have a better solution

Talk to your carrier about the options for blocking the call completely and sending it directly to a message that you will not take the call.

And then, quite frankly, I'd take the phone off the hook.  Tell people to call you on your cell phone if the phone is busy and its an emergency.  That's the quick and easy way to get peace at least for one night.

Or, if this were me I'd consider getting rid of the land line completely and just using cell phones.  I use cable for my internet, so I don't need a land line and have only had a cell phone for years.  I also don't have a husband and kids, so my situation is much different.  It's something to think about, though.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.  Be very clear with your dad that you're not having any of his drama any more and you will not be answering his phone calls.  Period.  If you do answer when he calls, don't engage in conversation and don't offer any options for him.  Say "that's nice.  I have to go now.  Bye."  Then hang up. He's only doing it because he's able to suck you in at least part of the time.

I hope things calm down for you.

I asked all the normal abuse questions (didn't suspect anything but just wanted to be sure) and there's no worry there. 

Then we began the hygiene talk, and I think that's where it all came together.  He's been a little more active of late, getting ready for baseball season, and sweating a little more.  He's slightly overweight and got a little chaffed in the butt area.  Since he's been taking showers and it was chaffed, I think he held his butt cheeks close together in the shower and didn't really get too clean in that area.  If he had been taking baths, this would have been a nonissue.  Now he's developed a very red, painful rash and I think the leakage was more like weeping from the infection that came through when he passed gas.  No blisters.  I'm taking my youngest to the ped's tomorrow, so I'll ask him about it then.  I think we caught it early enough to handle it, but I'm going to have to keep a close on it. 

I had him sit down and take a bath tonight and then patted it dry.  Then we had him lie down and applied A&D healing ointment to it along with some cornstarch powder.  I put him in loose boxers to sleep in.  Hopefully, we'll get it under control in the next day or so, but I think I'm going to keep him home from school so he doesn't embarrass himself with a "wet fart", not to mention how painful that must be.

He did make me laugh tonight.  When he first told me about it and I asked him what he thought it as, he said "puberty".  I said what, where'd you hear that at?  He said he heard the older kids on the bus mentioning that word.  I had to laugh.  I told him I didn't think it was puberty as much as hygiene.  But we did talk a little bit about the physical aspects of puberty.  Oh the woes of growing up!