The cleverest way to handle the situation is to
Posted By: just say no on 2007-07-11
In Reply to: Help! Pushy parents think I work from home and can drive their kids etc - Bee
I know exactly what you are going through. I think that the great majority of us who work at home and who have children have gone through this. You'd think that this mom would be more understanding if her husband works at home, but apparently not. I also know that parents who work outside the home have all sorts of scheduling/transportation issues to deal with, as do we work-at-homes. But, I think that over time, they ask so often for these little favors that they become completely oblivious as to how rude they are. Maybe they get this way out of desperation, but once they get a "yes" from someone, they return again and again asking for favors.
I have three teenagers, but I've gone through this with neighbors and "friends" when the kids were little. The only way you can get it to stop is to firmly say no. Simple answer: "No. I'm sorry that I can't help you, but my work schedule does not allow me the time to do that." Then quickly finish the conversation. If you are there in person, say that you have to leave and turn away. If you are on the phone, say that you have to go now. Good-bye. Hang up. Don't give her the opportunity to ask why or to say something like, "But it's only a few minutes out of the way, etc." Just end the conversation.
She'll get the message very quickly, and even if she's very dense, she won't ask more than a few times.
I know you feel reluctant to do this. No one likes a confrontation, and you don't want to be rude. But by being short and to the point, and then politely ending the conversation, you should solve the problem. AND the beauty part is... after you've done this once or twice, you will feel empowered and will be able to do this again if someone else wants to impose upon you.
People don't understand that work-at-home does not mean "totally available". They should understand, but most of them don't. You have to stand up for yourself and educate this demanding woman.
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How would you handle it!
My mother has this friend who she knew in highschool “Mary”. My mother moved away very young, but after we moved back (40 yrs later) they started talking again. Mary used to call my mother and they would go and eat dinner and such. My mom is 70 and this lady is around same age.
Just for a visual. Nothing against the weight…My mother is 6’2 and average build and very modest and clean. Mary is about 5’5 and about 300+. She has food issues and will just pile food up. I’m sorry but she is disgusting. She just wants to sit around and eat and sleep.
Mary had started calling to go out and eat or for coffee and then not pay, expecting my mother to pay for everything. My mother has taken food to this lady’s house when she cooked a big meal or pot of soup etc. and this lady never returned bowls. Well one day my mother went and got her and they went to dinner. When she dropped Mary back off at her house…as my mother says…”She passed gas 4 times, and did not bother to say excuse me!”  My mother is a very well mannered, modest lady and that thoroughly disgusted her. She refused to take any more of her calls. She would speak to her in passing or if she saw her at a restaurant but tried to avoid her.
Mary just gets bigger and bigger and wears the same clothes days in a row with food spilled down them and will not bathe! It is disgusting. My mother and friends have talked with her daughters about getting her some psychiatric help but she has all of her faculties. She just says she can’t get in the tub and out. Well, sit on a chair and bathe. Now she only takes a bath once a week, yes once! This is when and if her cousin will come and bathe her. This has become just sorriness. I have seen these super obese people who can bathe themselves. She can manage to get up and down and walk and drive and go to restaurants. If she manage that much she can change her darn clothes! She is not disabled or so morbid that she cannot manage this, she just does not care.
I went to see my mother Sunday. She said Mary had called the day before and asked to meet for coffee. First time in over a year. My mother agreed. She never, ever talks during this time. During coffee she asked if mother wanted to go and eat at a particular restaurant, being cordial my mother agreed, 6:00. Mary called at 5:00 she was ready, then wanted to go get coffee again. Getting up to go and pay Mary proceeds to gas my mother out again! Too which my mother again is thoroughly disgusted.
Well I had spent the night Sunday night, cleaning for company to arrive. Mary calls. My mother who is sick was in other room and I did not recognize number. Mary asks how she is and I say sick. My mother had already told her she was sick and would be busy getting ready for company. I told her she had gone to the store. Within 5 minutes this lady was banging on the front door!  We were trying to ignore her, assuming it was her. I was trying to look out window. Mother usually keeps the door locked for this reason but I was in and out mowing lawn and cleaning. This heifer (no pun intended) just walked right in, “Hey, how are you” and sat down. Mother and I mad as fire!!!! My mother would try not to hurt anyone’s feelings unless they push her. I was floored. It was her house and I did not want to say anything. Well she has on the same clothes from the day before and she is reeking with BO! Had to Febreeze that end of the couch! Well she sat on that couch, did not say a word, then proceeded to sleep in my mother’s nice air conditioning for 3 hours! Snoring like a freight train. She then woke up and helped herself to an entire box of Cheese-It snacks. Finally after waking up good at 7:30 p.m. she asked if my mother wants to go eat. My mother laughs and says sure why not! Just to get her out of the house. My mother expressed fears that this lady would come over every day while my family was in town.
Company arrived yesterday morning. I called today my sister says “well we had unexpected company POP IN today!” I told her to tell her not to do it again. She said same thing, peeping out window and this lady walked right in. Sat there sleeping. She waits for someone to cook for her! My sister said whoo she smells and this is supposed to be “bath day”. That lady had the same clothes on since Saturday with the same food spilled down the front!
Not quite sure how to handle this one, other than my mother ignoring her and not answering the phones again. She is just too good hearted.
I'm with you. I don't think I could handle that
either. I think even though you choose to forgive and go on, would you ever be able to really feel the same after that? I think once trust is broken it is difficult. I admire couples who work through this. Maybe in some cases it makes the marriage stronger.
how to handle
Hi,
Wow. I'm not really sure what to say, but you sound like you really need some support. Have you tried AL-anon or some other support agency for families of alcoholics? Maybe they can advise you, or maybe a lawyer. I think if you call a lawyer, at least the initial consultation is free, but check when you call. I wish you luck and hope things improve for you. Hang in there.
How would you all handle this? sm
My SIL and BIL moved to town in November. So far I have arranged every get together during the holidays, Super Bowl, picnics, birthday lunches and dinners, and call her on a regular basis. She has called once. Yet every time we get together we have a ball and talk for hours on the phone and she says yes she will call, but never does. I mean, her phone dials to my house, right? Not even sure what to think here and would hate to lose her friendship, but do I always have to make all the effort? Is there something I could say that would not sound rude but let her know it would be nice if she made plans once in awhile or picked up the phone? 
what's PH? Posting Handle?????
posting handle!!! lol
You asked how others handle it. They sm
handle it by being the grandmother who stays out of it. You sent me a nasty email saying you weren't interfering, and did not wish to be judged, but you ASKED, how do others handle it. Others handle it by letting the parents, not the grandparents, handle it. Nuff said. Please do not email me again.
the mammas handle
I have a dad exactly like this. We are estranged 10 years now also. Truly, truly your mom needs to step up to the plate and handle daddy. Her hiding out is cowardly, forcing you and your husband to even discuss daddy on the lawn is unbelievably rude. Your life is not a Jerry Springer show! You're the kid in this. The girlfried can handle him or your mom. I think if you put it to him this way, his pride will get the better of him and he will get off the porch!
I feel your pain! Hang in there!
The handle are coming off ...
and DH has welded a few back on. This set is about 10 years old, but it shouldn't be doing this.
Here's how I handle finances ...
I am doing well when I see others are not but it takes some priorities and discipline.
I have a budget set. I follow it religiously. It took time to develop it. It includes expenses for maintaining the car and home, clothes, gifts, haircuts, emergency saving, long-term saving. If I have a fluctuation in income where I have excess left over - it goes to savings, not in my spending fist.
I have everything I can set up on electronic banking. It helps keep you on track if you cringe at the thought of being overdrawn and messed up on an electronic withdrawal problem!
Income is direct deposited into 3 accounts: Household checking, personal checking and savings. Household checking is where all expenses are paid out of. Savings, self explanatory. Personal checking is the allowance I have for myself from each paycheck. It is my personal spending.
Once the bills are paid, each payperiod I have a set amount I withdraw in cash from household checking. This is for gas/groceries. That is it. When we run out of cash for gas/groceries, we run out.
Don't carry credit/debit cards or checks with you.
Single most important staep you can take: Live below your means. Whatever your income is, subtract 10% for your savings and then live on the rest. No exceptions. No matter what changes you have to make, if you do not do take this one most important step, you will never have any savings and never get ahead.
If your mother does not handle this
You will all be on the news. This is your mother's problem that she is refusing to handle. She is lucky to have such a responsible daughter as yourself. But not dealing effectively with your father is just sticking her head in the sand. I hope he can't get a gun, because it sounds like he is slowly getting up his courage...
How to handle mama cat.
A few months ago a stray calico started coming to my door. I found her to be very friendly and so I let her in when I am working. I started feeding her. She keeps me company. I haven't really taken her to the vet yet as I was still wondering if she might be a neighbors cat but none will claim her so I guess she is officially mine. H agreed to keep the cat outside. He doesn't want house animals of any kind so I feed her outside but I will let her in during the day time and H has agreed when the weather is cold she can stay closed up in the Utility room at night. Anyway, she had 4 kittens in the neighbors wishing well a week ago. I am taking her to the vet to get her fixed as soon as she quits nursing. I don't know how long that will be though. The neighbors said that she and her babies can stay as long as they need to. Anyway, as I was typing along I heard a mew mew. I looked behind me and see mama carrying one of her kittens into my girls bedroom. I have my door open and she can get through a hole in the screen. My girls would love that but I know H wouldn't. What should I do?
Had my feelings hurt, how to handle?
About a week ago my elderly aunt called and told me she was having problem with her scalp, asked what did I think she should do, dermatologist she asked. Told her I would be happy to check on an ole timey medicine to apply to scalp, used for daughter before and worked. Distributor no longer made but phamacist suggested something else. I took to her and did not want money for it and told her so. Today I get the cost of the medicine back and then she goes on to say what a terrible smell, stung when she first put it on (says so on the directions which I am sure she read), awful smell, could not go out anywhere, had to wash her hair, just terrible putrid smell. Now, except for a doctors visit every one in awhile, she does not go out and that is not every week. I did this out of kindness and now I feel hurt, not only about her returning the money but most of all how she went on and on and on about how she could not use. She is not senile, has plenty of sense, although elderly still drives and no kind of problems except I think she was kinda rude to me. Any ideas? Should I say something, let it go, not involve myself any more??
Not so much jealous, as they just can't get a handle on why things
m
Exactly, like when people say God will not give you more than you can handle?
How about asking the parents of a 4 year old with terminal cancer how they feel about that?
People amaze me sometimes.
I think it's called brainwash?
They are adults and can handle it. After all, this is the tradition
with your husband's family. If they don't want to go, then let them stay home. Surely they were aware this is what your husband's family does on Christmas Eve before inviting themselves to spend the night. Don't ruin family time with your family and your husband's family.
How do you handle being jealous of stepkids?
Big problem, girls! I have a stepdaughter that I am so jealous of I cannot see straight most of the time when she is here. The child is 9 years old and has her daddy so wrapped up that when she is here I am just pushed aside completely. He does not see it, thinks I am just overreacting and is even to the point of starting to take her and spend his visitation time somewhere else and not bring her around me.
I do not begrudge her getting her daddy's attention... I just feel that I should be involved more. If they are watching a movie, he loves on her and holds her while I am pushed over to the recliner by myself, when its time to go to bed, I go to bed alone while he sleeps with her and if I want him in the bed with me, I have to wait until she goes to sleep and then go wake him up and ask him to come to bed with me. We cannot close our door when she is here because she will get upset and start banging on it and crying and he will run right out to her (even if we are in the middle of a conversation), we cannot sit together on the bed and watch TV even if she is in her room by herself because as soon as she knows he is in the room with me she starts hollering for him and he runs to her and then proceeds to crawl up in her bed and watch TV with her. If they are going somewhere it is usually just the two of them and I am not invited because they need to spend some time together.
Granted, he does not get her on a regular basis (his fault, not mine) and he wants her to know that he loves her, but why can't he see that I should be included too? He wants me to love her and spend time with her and do things with her (especially when there is a football game on he wants to watch, or somewhere he wants to run with the guys for a little while), but then he makes it where I don't want to because once he is ready for her back, I am just pushed aside.
She calls me "She", not my name; she does not acknowledge me when she comes in the door until he forces her to speak to me; after our living together since she was 4 years old she gets very upset and says that I am not her daddy's girlfriend and that I am just a "friend" and she tells everybody that. I feel like he enforces that idea when he pushes me aside and he says I am just being ridiculous and selfish by wanting him to spend more time with me when she is here. I don't even ask him to forego time with her, I just want him to make some time for me (maybe give her a bedtime and have grownup time with me after she is asleep even?).
Am I just ridiculous as he says, or am I right in feeling the way I do? Help, please...
how to handle a pet you do not care for anymore
In October we got a 7-week old cat from a local vet. We loved her, she was a sweet ball of fluff. She is mainly an indoor cat but does like to go out a few times a day. A few weeks back she started eliminating (both) on my down comfortor, which is a PITA to wash!!! I thought it was just the comfortor so I would just put it away every day after i woke up. I thought maybe it was the litter so I have changed the type of litter I used and that seemed to help. But last night she peed on the bed itself, not the comfortor. The mattress is only about 6 months old, i'm very upset about this!!
Consequently to me disciplining her for this, the cat does not like me anymore. She does not allow me to pet her, she will no longer sit in my lap. The only time she is friendly with me is when I am making food in the kitchen and she comes and rubs on my legs because she wants food. The only thing I did was take her and put her outside when she eliminated on the bed. I use a spray bottle to keep her off of the table and now to completely keep her out of my room. She does not eliminate anywhere else in the house but my bed and the litter pan.
Besides this she plays rough. She is always biting and scratching. Maybe it has just been too long since I had a kitten and forgot but do they normally do that? she is not very loving. This makes me sad as I wanted a lazy Garfield type cat LOL. I know it's not fair for me to expect her to act a certain way but I can't help being dissapointed. She is ruining my bed. I have started putting her outside more but my youngest gets sad when I do as he thinks she won't come back and that is a battle.
Anybody had problems like this? I know there is a spray you can buy so they will not eliminate on certain places but won't she just find somewhere else to do it?
What's your opinion on the Monster handle?
I've been researching steam mops, and this one has lots of good reviews. The only negative that I'm finding is that some people find the handle to be flimsy, and a few have noted that they've snapped the handle when they've pushed too hard. I'm on the verge of buying one of these, but I'd like to know about the handle. Thanks!
If you can handle the rent payment,
then let him move on and do not give him any money. Let him figure it out for himself.
he did not handle money at his last job with a bank.
Just because a person has bad credit, does not mean he's dishonest. He did not bounce checks. He did not live beyond his means. He got caught in a layoff. It's a huge stretch from being jobless to embezzlement for crying out loud. There are many jobs at a bank that do not have anything to do with money.
The way things are going with this economy, some of you might be in this situation. I'll be sure to thumb my nose at you when you start wondering what happened.
Can you get him to the PCP? They can handle this type of depression most times -nm
:-)
I am ashamed of doing this, but now how do I handle the information I found?
Yes flame away about how I acquired the info. I know it is WRONG but my instinct told me he was not being truthful.
You see, the man I love has an addiction problem. Through our years together, we have gone through alcohol, drugs, porn, and gambling. Each time my trust is instilled back in him because he proves these are OVER with. I STUPIDLY obviously forgive each time as I love him dearly and the guilt I feel after trying to leave him is tremendous, and he is SHATTERED if I ever go...
Well we have been doing real well lately but we are long distance right now. We got in an argument and I know this is always his breakdown. So I checked his email. I KNOW I KNOW... awful. no it's not the first time because how else do you think i knew before... (and knew that he stopped)... and there it was, the transaction approved for his online gambling request.
I was hoping instead of being flamed, someone would give me some real advice. People say you should NEVER snoop and I agree to an extent, but how else would i know if he is LYING to me when i straight ask him about it? He says NO HE HAS NOT BEEN GAMBLING and then i KNOW not only is he gambling, he is LYING about it. If it is a form of entertainment it is one thing, but I am afraid this will skyrocket into how he used to be (he became very much in debt due to gambling, but that was while he was drinking as well, and i know for a FACT he isn't drinking)
Anyways I know what I did was wrong, I accept the fact people will be mad at me about it... but I do not know how to end it with this man knowing that he can't kick this addiction, without telling him what i have done, or without feeling the MASSIVE guilt for finally leaving after so many years.
NO man is perfect, and I am reminded this by my family. This man is a very good man (i know some will say not if he is doing these things) but i have truly felt that he is the only one that will love me forEVER even through stretch marks, babies, and whatever else i throw his way as he has done a lot for me.
I dont know what to do.
How would you handle a manipulative person who threatens
suicide every time you say you're leaving? I have been married, for a VERY long time, to a man who has refused to hold down any kind of job, who is an alcoholic, and who is also bipolar.
He refuses to help himself, take his meds, quit drinking, go to AA, etc. Over this past year, I have decided enough is enough and I want out. I have to think of the kids. I have tried to help him to no avail. Every time we have the conversation about us separating, he gets drunk and then threatens to kill himself. The first time he took some pills, claiming he took a whole bottle, when the truth was he took like four. He freaked out and rushed him to the ER. This scenario replayed again with him shoving a handful of mystery pills into his mouth the next time when I refused to take him seriously. Again, he was taken to the ER by the police that time and then was allowed to leave the ER AMA. Next, time he cut his wrists superficially and that incident landed him in a psychiatric facility for four days and then they let him out. Which brings us to today when I noticed he had been drinking again and still hasn't looked for a job and so I have bought him a one-way plane ticket to go be with his father. He is now drunk, asleep in his truck, and took a bottle of pills with him threatening suicide. I have checked on him and he is breathing and I don't think he's taken any of the pills.
And quite frankly I almost don't care if he has. I'm so tired of this game and it really angers me that he continually tries to manipulate me with this crap! I want him gone. I don't want my kids to see this anymore. I want peace. I want quiet. I want to sit down at my computer and just work without having to deal with all this drama!
So, now I'm wondering do I let him just lay out there in his truck or do I call the police to go check on him and perhaps take him to the hospital? One thing I know for sure, I am done going to the ER and filling out papers and watching him act like a complete lunatic to the nurses and doctors and watching them having to put on the soft restraints because he's a drunken fool! If I call the police, I want to be left out of the loop. I want them to take care of getting him to where he needs to go. Is that realistic or do the police have to talk to me because he's legally my husband and I made the call?
And what do you do with a crazy person who refuses to leave your home? He's not threatening me or the kids. He hasn't hit me or done anything like that. He's just a complete crazy man claiming he's going to hurt himself!
I feel like I'm on the verge of exploding! I want to scream! I want to just punch him in the face! God I'm miserable!
I just wanted to vent for a little bit. It sort of helps me to just pour it all out. Defuses my temper a bit. Thanks
Totally agast, unwelcomed guest, how to handle
Last Christmas my husband's nephew was invited for Christmas breakfast and his friend came along. They were from out of town. They about ate us out of house and home and the friend after breakfast helped himself to the remote, changed channels and then spread across the couch and decided to go to sleep. These guys have no manners (older group here and they are hip-hop type guys). They later went to another family's home where they again were unmannerly. Get this, now the nephew calls (we had invited some other people) and he told husband he said he would be glad to give these people a ride! I know he probably is planning to have another dinner here (now not only his friend is in town but also wife and 4 kids). I would be so mortified to have all those folks show up, I probably would be very, very rude and it would be Christmas. My husband is not confrontational and did not say anything when his nephew said he offered to bring others and from another state. Ok, what would you do in this situation? Thanks!
Hmmm - I dunno.... the way the banks ALREADY handle money,
;)
I have been asked to handle the bridal shower for my niece's wedding and I need ideas!
My niece is 18 and getting married very young, but not getting married because she "has" to, if you know what I mean. However, the maid of honor is my other niece who is 17 and not in a position to plan and pay for a bridal shower and so I've been asked to plan and then co-host the shower with my neice, the maid of honor for my niece, the bride. Confused yet?
And the wedding is in August! So I need to decide on a theme, location, and get invitations out by July. I want to do something unique and fun, but right now I can't seem to work up a unique idea to save my life! Help!
you are right, you do not know the situation...
and I did not go into complete detail, but at all the churches I was a giver of time, money, and self. I never said anything to members that would have hurt them in anyway. I was told by one pastor that I was a dying plauged horse that needed to find a field and die because he asked why he could not keep any men in the church and when my husband and I very lovingly explained why he got mad and what happened next got very ugly.
In the last church I was in I was basically running the church for him because he was too busy working his other job and such, spending church money on things other than what he was telling the congregation, etc, and when I told his fiance privately in a very loving way after much, much prayer that she needed to think about her children, as child services was getting ready to take them, he found out and called me every name in the book and told me that if I ever stepped on the property he would have me arrested. He told the congregation I left on my own and he had nothing to do with it. There are many more details that go with this situation, but I will leave it at that.
One church we were stuck in the middle of a church split and were on the wrong side of the split.
I will not go on. But I have tried to be a dedicated church member, doing every thing I could to fit in, do as I was told, sing and lead 3 worship services a week, at the church every time the church opened, lost friends, etc. trying to do what I thought God was instructing me to do and every time I ended up getting so deeply hurt that this last split has made it to where I get physically sick even thinking of going back to church. It is called "spiritual abuse" and unless you have gone through it you have no idea what it is like. I am glad you have a church you like and treats you correctly, but until you have been through what I have seen, heard, and been through you have no idea.
There are many a pastor out there who are independent and get corrupted by the power they have from the position of being a "man of God" and it is scary what can happen.
I will leave it at that, but there are times where Christians need to look at their actions and words and make sure they are inviting people to want to become Christians instead of making them want to run as far as possible in the opposite direction. Just my 2 cents.
Very sad situation......(sm)
I really do feel bad for you because of what has happened. Your sister should have offered to pay 'something!' And since she did not offer, I know that makes things difficult to forget about, but I'm sure that you would have been able to move on. She took it to an entirely different level when she put her hands on you. She should have stayed away and gave you time to cool off & herself time to cool off instead of showing up to ignite the fire. I know it makes you feel bad, but please do not blame yourself for what has happened. Regardless of the quad theft, she was the one who made the choice to physically attack you. She is the one who did something wrong, not you. She will hopefully learn a lesson that actions such as that have consequences.
Give yourself & her some time to cool off. Eventually the situation will calm down. It will probably take awhile, but don't let it take too long...time is precious. My older brother (only sibling) died in a mva a few years ago. We disagreed on everything most of the time. I always think back to those 'little arguments' and I think about how much precious time we wasted on trivial things, when we could have been enjoying our relationship. I would do anything to have him back now. Just a thought. Hope things get better for you. Stay positive. Do your part to try to re-establish peace, but do not feel guilty about what happened because it was not your fault. Hopefully, in time she will come to her senses and will be the one to suffer with the guilt of what she did.
same situation here -
However, we DO have a charter school available but it's a 45 minute round trip, have to pay an arm and a leg tuition, and STILL have to support the public school with our property taxes to boot.
Our migrant student to teacher ratio in our district is current 1 teacher to 6 students. Regular class ratio is 1 teacher to 31 students. Nice huh.
Not exactly the same situation
but a hospital I worked at went belly up and we went to work that morning and by 2 p.m. we were out of jobs. Not only that, but this was on a payday and our checks were not there and were not going to be coming. Then on top of that I find out that while we all thought the owner had been keeping up on our insurance he had not been and for the previous 2 months we didn't really have insurance, so all the tests and stuff I had during that time I had to pay for. And there was no Cobra to keep it going because there was no company anymore. It was a nightmare, and I already was juggling bills and I just got into a state of despair where I would quit even answering the phone. It took quite a bit to dig myself out of that pit, and still my credit sucks probably worse than yours- I couldn't even get a secured credit card 6 months ago. Dont know about now.
I'm in the same situation
I'm postmenopausal for 4 years now and started having trouble with the sleep pattern during menopause. I thought it would go back to normal after the menopause completed, but according to my doctor, it can take 10 to 15 years for some women.
When I get too badly sleep deprived, I take generic Benadryl - Walgreen's antihistamine, Wal-Dryl - 50 mg and I'm sleepy within 30-40 mins. and usually sleep through the entire night, 6-7 hours. Normally, I will take a 500 mg generic acetaminophen with the 50 mg antihistamine because I have shoulder and neck pain from transcription posture. That is the same as Tylenol PM but much, much cheaper.
If you read the labels, the sleeping pills that they charge $15 or so for, have the same medicine as the $3.50 antihistamines.
Also, since I started walking again about 6 weeks ago, I'm sleeping better.
Obviously you have never been in this situation before
Even though the agency may guarantee anonymity, it usually isn't too difficult to figure out who "blew the whistle." I have seen people harassed and threatened in similar circumstances. If this were a child who couldn't speak up for himself/herself, I would be calling Social Services in a New York minute. But that is not the case here.
It's up to the people involved to decide what to do. You made a suggestion, I pointed out some of the hazards involved in following your suggestion. Two sides to every story. 'Nuff said.
I have a situation regarding my DH's job...
Long story short, my DH has a 2-hour commute (roughly, depending on Atlanta's traffic) to and from work each day. Now, this is only temporary, as when our DD graduates in May, we're moving out closer to his job.
Last night, he asked me what I thought about him taking an apartment on that side of town for 2-3 days a week, like Tues-Thurs, coming home on Friday-Monday. We have 3 kids, the youngest being 8, who is very, very close to his daddy (the other 2 are 20 and 17, so would probably relish the idea of Dad being gone overnight). Not to mention the fact that I work at home and don't have a lot of contact with the outside world (y'all can feel me, can't ya?).
I guess my question is, am I being selfish to say absolutely NO to this idea, or what? I felt like crying when he brought it up; just the thought of him being away for 2-3 nights a week makes me sad. We have a very close relationship, spend all of our time together when not working, and I just am not sure how to feel about this.
Of note: I am not the least bit worried about him *acting up* while he's away. We have a super-strong marriage and are completely devoted to each other and our family. What would y'all do?
We are definitely in about the same situation
My husband and yours must have been separated at birth! lol They sound just alike concerning their sons. I do think that my hubby feels sorry for his son because him and his mom split. I guess that's why he babies him so much. And his son is so jealous over me. I can't talk to my husband, touch him or anything without his son pouting or trying to get his Dad's attention. I want children of our own but I am afraid that because my stepson is so jealous that if his Dad shows attention to someone else that he would act out and hurt them. He's been hiding things of mine and I know he took 100.00 that was on my desk I had laying out. I searched the house over for it and never found it. He just probably tore it to pieces and threw it in the trash because he thought it was mine since it was on my desk. It's crazy. But thank you for your post. At least I know now I'm not the only one who has had any problems like this.
Wow, I'm in almost the same situation as you.
I have been in contact with my high school sweetheart for the last few years. I now live in a different state. We have both regretted marrying the people we did. We both have 2 children fairly young, but we are hoping we can be together sometime in the future.
Anyone ever been in this situation?
Yesterday, my son went on a field trip with the school to a local amusement park. It was a 1-hour drive. He begged me to take his Nintendo DS. I finally gave in and said only 1 game. I was chaperoning the field trip but was required to drive myself there and could take my son home with me, rather than riding the bus home. When my son realized it was time for the buses to board the kids going back to the school, he said a girl in his class had his DS game (not the unit, just the game). We looked for his class, but they must have already boarded the bus. I told him to make sure he asked her for it first thing the following morning.
When he got to school today, he asked the girl for it. She said she gave it to another one of his friends in their class. That boy said he put it in my son's desk. Then another girl in the class said she found a DS game this morning under her desk and that she gave it to the girl that borrowed it originally. Of course, that girl said that never happened. Now my son has no game. He just got it about a month ago and paid $35 for it out of his own money.
First of all, I have already told my son he will not be taking his DS on the bus anymore, period. I don't care if it's an 8-hour drive both ways. He's not taking it. Here's my dilemma: What do I do about this girl? Do I just let it go? I would really like to call her parents and let her know what she did in the hopes that they will take this opportunity to teach their child about responsibility and courtesy. She asked to borrow my son's game. My son was kind enough to lend it to here. She should have returned it to him directly, not give it to someone to give it someone, etc. I don't know this girl or her parents. I'm not sure how well they'd take my parenting suggestion. I'm not looking for them to replace the game (as much as I think they should, I will not ask that).
I told my son he needs to take responsibility for his carelessness in not getting the game back when they got off the bus. He knew he would not be getting back on the bus and likely would not see the girl the rest of the day. I should mention these are 4th graders, so they should have had some clue here.
Okay, so do I call the parents or just chalk it up to a lesson learned?
Same situation
...except I am a single parent. I have a 10 year old who was arguing with teachers and classmates and fighting almost daily. He also started to be disrespectful at home and when I would send him to his room for punishment, he would kick and throw things around in his room while mumbling under his breath as well as blatently yelling at me.
The second episode of kicking and throwing things, I told him to stop or I would call the police. I was downstairs and eventually heard something break. I was very angry at this point. I ran upstairs to his room (wanted him to hear me running) and I forcfully opened his door (was glad to see that he looked startled). Very angrily, I told him that if I heard one more noise from his room, I would call the police. I told him to clean up the mess from the item he broke. He told me he wasn't going to clean up anything. I called the police.
The police arrived. After I explained to him the long list of problems I had been having with him, the policeman gave him a speech for about 30 minutes...asking him questions along the way to keep him engaged. He said all of the usual things that any adult outsider would say to your kid. This worked for about 3 weeks...then back to the same.
After a terrible morning of him lying about something and being sent to his room for punishment, he started the same throwing, kicking, talking back routine. I politely pulled his suitcase into the hallway. I entered his room and began removing his clothing from his closet and placing them into the suitcase. I told him to go put his dirty clothes in front of the washer so I could wash them. I calmly told him that I was not going to put up with his crap anymore and that I was going to take him to the intake office for foster care. I told him that while he was in foster care I would be inviting his cousins over to enjoy his xbox, model cars, CDs, DVDs, etc. I told him that it was going to be nice having kids around who are respectful and appreciative of my love/affection and other things that I could offer them. He did not say a word. While those clothes were washing, I did not hear a peep out of him. When I put the clothes into the dryer, he said, "I don't want to go to foster care." I told him, sorry...I have no choice....told him I was sick of having a house that was always filled with turmoil. Told hi that since he seems to be unable to control himself and cannot disrespect the mother who works so hard to take care of him and tries so hard to love and support him....he has to go. He says...please don't send me to foster care. I told him I would give him one more chance. I told him that his suitcase would remain packed and that he was to get dressed each day out of that suitcase and that whenever clothes were washed he would place them back into the suitcase.
This happened in April. He is still getting dressed out of that suitcase. You would not believe the difference this has made. He still lies and when he is caught he is sent to his room, but now there is not kicking or throwing things...there is no talking back. He just lies quietly on his bed reading a book or fiddling with one of his little gadgets. After an hour or so (because he is taking his punishment like a normal person should) I tell him that he can now come out of his room if he is willing to apologize for lying and admit that he lied.
Long story short...the packed suitcase has done the trick. He knows that I am serious. He now understands that if he breaks the rules he will be punished. He understands that his behavior while he is being punished has a major impact on the length of his punishment. It is sad that he has to get dressed out of a suitcase, but this has been very effective for us.
My dad was in that situation....
Lung cancer, medication was 3000 a month; trials indicated it worked. He was on it for 6 months, out a lot of money and then guess what, AstraZeneca admitted they manipulated the outcome of the study, the stuff really didn't work at all. He died a few months later (this was 3 years ago). He would have probably lived the same length of time if he hadn't have spent the money. The docs and drug companies are out for themselves, IMHO.
I think about it a lot but different situation (sm)
My two children are almost the exact ages of yours. My husband doesn't have the drinking issue but has plenty of personality issues. I think you absolutely should leave, no ifs, ands or buts. I just think being in that environment is awful for your kids, he is saying it is not going to work anyway and talking about ending the marriage. I say if he doesn't change then yes, go, without a doubt.
sorry for your situation. it is a
shame there is so much focus on the gifts. no, i don't have any great suggestions. couldn't help but think of something along the lines of recent (political) emails about spreading the wealth around...(ha!) The only serious suggestion i have is telling them you think the focus this year esp should be on helping the less fortunate, and rather than give gifts this year to each other, that you'd prefer everyone just donate to the charity(ies) of their choice, or instead of saying it as a suggestion,maybe as a statement: this is what you are going to do and hope that they will too (realizing that "charity begins at home"). God bless.
Sorry you are in the same situation
I took her to her doctor and while she was having an x-ray, I spoke with him about my concerns. He said "you know your aunt...I have tried talking to her too but she refuses to listen". She found out I spoke with him and went balistic - that it was none of my business, etc.
We have all tried talking to her about assisted living close to us but she refuses to leave New York and come here to Jersey. She even refused assisted livlng there. She does have someone come in and clean and friends who help her out. She gets angry because I cannot just get up and leave my job to come up all the time. It is a 2.5 hour drive without traffic. Every idea we come up with she refuses so it is not like we have not tried to get the help she needs. My parents are in bad health so it is hard for them to help out and me being the caretaker of everybody without the little help I receive from my brother - I am at a loss. The real issue here is Christmas.
Sorry you are in the same situation
I took her to her doctor and while she was having an x-ray, I spoke with him about my concerns. He said "you know your aunt...I have tried talking to her too but she refuses to listen". She found out I spoke with him and went balistic - that it was none of my business, etc.
We have all tried talking to her about assisted living close to us but she refuses to leave New York and come here to Jersey. She even refused assisted livlng there. She does have someone come in and clean and friends who help her out. She gets angry because I cannot just get up and leave my job to come up all the time. It is a 2.5 hour drive without traffic. Every idea we come up with she refuses so it is not like we have not tried to get the help she needs. My parents are in bad health so it is hard for them to help out and me being the caretaker of everybody without the little help I receive from my brother - I am at a loss. The real issue here is Christmas.
It is a sad situation, however, you cannot
hog tie her and drag her. Maybe you can spend time with her on a different day around Christmas, just her.
In a situation like that, I think I'd have just
nm
I Am Sorry for Your Situation
you sound like a very caring daughter and i'm sorry for your pain..and your father's. the sad thing is that mental conditions, such as the depression it sounds like your father has, can, in fact, disable someone from working consistently and productively. this is NOT an excuse for your father. if he feels that disabled, financial help may ease his immediate stressors somewhat but don't get to the root of his obvious psychological issues. that financial help might be available to him via the state, and he would need to go through the proper channels - social services - to get it...it is entirely inappropriate for him to play your and your mom's heartstrings. it is also inappropriate to parentify you and to put you through this kind of pain. if he does threaten suicide again, a reasonable option for you is to call the police. don't mention it to your father as a threat - just do it. the whole thing is really sad to hear, especially around holiday time, and i'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling.
I know this situation happens all too often, but
it wasn't my experience, and I know plenty of women who have had great partnered parenting experiences. My husband would have preferred to wait to have children, if at all. I sort of pressured him to have children sooner than later. Turns out he's a great dad. Everything changes, and you can never know exactly what will happen. One of my friends has a very wise father. When we "young people" asked him for advice once about living a long, happy life, he told us simply, "Don't make plans."
I have somewhat same situation. sm
I sent you an email in case there is something I can do to help you.
My situation is that -
I am going to school FREE. I am working 2 jobs (1 part time and 1 full time).
My husband is not on disability - he is on worker's compensation - totally different. He cannot go back to work until the doctor tells him he can and as of this week, he is having a 3rd major surgery that will put him back at another 8 month recovery period and no, he cannot go back to work during that time still.
I know this situation all too well
I have a best friend that has this going on right now. It pains her to no end. Her children get upset and I can understand why.
I am going to give you the advice that I give her:
Grandparents who are messed up were messed up as parents. You can't make them do what you want. Your DH probably doesn't want to deal with it because his parents were like that when he was little.
Anyway, the moral of the story is this: Appreciate if they even come around so the kids know them. My parents didn't for my kids. My children don't have any grandparents because they now are all deceased.
My take on your situation...
You said below that you have not achieved orgasm. I think that may be a large part of the issue. Also, as a previous poster said, if you are continually aroused and then let down, you may get to a point where you don't want to 'try' anymore. It can become emotionally draining.
What I suggest is that you spend some time alone and learn about your body. What I mean by this is learning how to please yourself first. When you discover how to achieve orgasm on your own, you will then be able to help your partner help you achieve orgasm together. If you are experiencing orgasm during sex, most likely you will want to have sex more often and will feel more confident.
I would also suggest that you spend some time online reading about the G-spot. I know it is somewhat contraversial and not everyone believes that spot exists, but I think that is a good place to start as far as information is concerned. Try masturbating on your own and see what happens. Learn about the sensation of ograsm so you know what signs you are looking for. I know a lot of women get a strong sensation and get scared and stop. So, really, read about what signs you are looking for.
Also, you can purchase a vibrator. You can use that alone or with your partner during sex. Trojan has a new fingertip vibrator that you can buy online. I saw a commercial for it, and it looks like it would work fine. It is really hard not to reach an orgasm with the aid of a vibrator.
Okay, I hope I wasn't too graphic for anyone's taste. If you want to talk in more detail or have any questions you don't feel comfortable posting, send me an e-mail and I'll try to help you out. 
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