Talk to him about it. If need be, seek counseling. Don't

• Husband had affair 13-14 years ago - frazzled
  • I am so sorry to hear you are going through this... - ndmt
  • It sounds as if....sm - Anonymous
  • You probably should - Sanda
  • have you ever asked??? - Tab
    • What he told me about why he cheated - frazzled
      • Life is short and you only get one go-round. - sm
  • If I were in your shoes - sm - kellie
  • Talk to him about it. If need be, seek counseling. Don't - let this tear you up.

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As I said before in another post, I miss everyone so much...

So, I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about.  Love my new job, love that spring is on the way, and I love that my belly is absolutely filled up with pancakes my husband kindly made for me just now...even though it's lunchtime and not breakfast.  I'm one of those freaks that could eat breakfast-type foods at every meal. 

...and that reminds me that it's almost that time of year to order some baby chicks for next month.  Laying hens, not for meat or anything, just eggs and entertainment.  I can't wait for warm weather--it's been a long HARSH winter this year.  In fact, I think we're due for another ice storm at the end of the week. 

I hope everyone who stops by to read my note about nothing finds themselves and their families in good health.  Miss you all, even the ones that can't stand seeing that "Hayseed" name up there. 

Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.

But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.

I would encourage you and your husband to try counseling to work this out in a way that each of you will be able to have some of the things you want and need.

If he isn't willing to go to counseling, then your choices are live with it or live without him.

if you are both committed to really doing the work and making changes, marriage counseling can be a good thing.  Having gone thru it five (yes 5) separate times thru almost 20 years of a "marriage" - it never worked because my ex was never willing to make changes.  Every time the counselors approached his hot spots (substance abuse, physical abuse, unemployment, depression)  - it was time to "stop seeing these jerks who don't know anything".   

I believe honest open communication can overcome almost any issues - infidelity, financial, parenting -  and sometimes you do need an outside party to guide you thru.  Find a counselor you both feel comfortable with, can easily afford and be willing to give it time. 

This does not mean you cannot seek further counseling throughout one's life.......for whatever a situation is/becomes.......just because it didn't work with the husband, doesn't mean you cannot seek more out for YOURSELF and your children........forget him, he's a lost cause (passive-aggressives often are)....they are nothing but finger-pointers (blamers) and it's never at themselves.  It's a waste of time to be with one, you/one merely only loses their self-esteem in those types of *relationships*..........

Best luck!!

or at least a long talk with your husband if possible. Not by e-mail! Good luck!

I am under a lot of stress with an elderly mother who has a grim prognosis. She is 90 years of age and has CHF with another recent hospitalization last week. She is home now, but her doctor called me the day of her discharge and gave me a complete detailed summary of her condition and prognosis. I have been more anxious since the discussion with him, although he is to be commended for his frankness and the sensitive way he handled the situation. 

I know counseling is beneficial after we lose someone close to us, but I feel I need some help now just dealing with this now. The only way I can explain how I feel is to say I feel like I am carrying a bomb and not able to put it down. I know what will happen and still not  able to prevent the inevitable.  The nurse told me last week at the hospital that the normal BNP level is not to be above 50.  My mother's BNP this last time was over 4600.  The doctor told me the same value on the telephone and told me it almost blew his socks off, in his words exactly.  They removed 5 1/2 liters of fluid this admission. She also has chronic renal failure. I am blessed to have her this long, but it makes it no easier to let go. I have such a heaviness in my heart. Thank you for listening.

BTDT a couple of times.  He manipulated the whole thing to his "issues" with me. 

He told counselor: She makes me angry.  Counselor looks at me:  Why do you feel the need to make him angry?

He told the counselor:  I don't like her looks.  Counselor asks me:  I have you considered getting some help with your weight and looks (umm 140 at 5Ə"??? Where was the problem?)

He told the counselor:  She makes this marriage about the kids instead of making it about me...I make all the money...I do all the work (never housework)...and she sits on the couch and eats bonbons all day (what is a bonbon?).  THIS MARRIAGE NEEDS TO BE ABOUT ME and what I want, NOT about the kids.  Counselor:  Why do love your kids so much and why can't you put him first?

LOUSY counselor.  I went to another one on my own who said:  You may not have bruises, but you are being abused.  I know the situation you are in and he forbids you to work and it isn't like you actually have the time.  It may take you some time to choose to get out.  So, lets focus on ways for you to be stronger until you can walk out the door.  HE didn't get any better HE got worse as I started to develop a backbone. 

So to all those who say go to counseling, stay in it, learn to be stronger, don't let his words hurt you...YOU ARE FULL OF IT.  You all may like being treated the way that DONE is, but I don't.  I am a person too, as is DONE.  Anyone I might ever be with needs to think I am so wonderful, special, lovely, kind... you name it, they could not stand NOT to be with me.  DONE'S husband is telling her, essentially...you okay I guess, but not that great.  Plus which, you can't do anything the way I think it should be done.  You don't have feelings because you are average looking and this marriage is all about me.  Toro poo poo.

Some of you are not very bright, I am sorry to say, but there it is.

I am in a bad situation. I had my house foreclosed on last year but it was in a prior bankruptcy, that is good. But we had to let our car go back, which was in my husband's name and now they are hounding us over paying it back...they are saying 11k but if we give them 6k that would settle it.  Like we told them, if we had 6k we would not have let the car go back in the first place.  Plus we have several doctor bills.  We lost it all due to my health all of a sudden. No place to turn, no one to ask.  Wanting to get out lives back. Wondering if anyone has had experience with Credit Counseling and if they really do speak with creditors, get what you owed cut in half and help you out of a bad situation.

Thanks....

http://www.cccsatl.org/index.asp?_method=view&sc=43&cn=486&md=debtmanagement

Here's what you want to use...  It is called Consumer Credit Counseling Services.  They are legit.  Now back when hubs and I did it about 15 years ago, there were no computers, per se, so we went on site to an office.  I don't know what state you're in or if there is an office local to you, but it looks like you can do this online. 

We did it, completed it, and it was great.  However, they cut your credit cards up in front of you and put them in a huge jar (at least they did back then).  Once you join, there are no more credit cards.  What CCCS does is works with your creditors to reduce interest rates, payment size, etc. because they are networked.  You then make one lump payment to CCCS and they disburse the money.  They also take into consideration your income.  I think that's what makes it all work.  Also, this is what tells them how long it will take to pay off the debt.  Just beware though that if you are "behind" on payments, sometimes certain creditors do not accept CCCS, so they may hassle you still and some just plain won't accept CCCS's offer. 

Believe me, even though we are not late on payments, we had in the past 3 years so much personal stuff go on (sickness, death, etc.) that we have racked up some debt ourselves and may try CCCS again, as one card we have raised the rate to 33% interest because we have a high balance.  We make regular payments.

All in all, it's a great plan and it does work, but you no longer have credit cards (they close the accounts), and you will have a "bad mark" but yet a good mark on your credit report for using CCCS.  Check with them about that though, as I do not know the specifics.  It is way better than bankruptcy...

Hope you find some relief soon!  My thoughts are with you...  I'm not judgemental because I've been there and done that. 

She meets with the school psychologist once a week and other kids from her grade who all have coping issues, and they work on their social skills.  She is 9.  Maybe your school has a similar program?  Or maybe some internet research would turn up some group counseling in your area. 

Good luck to you and your son!

8 surgeries and a gallon of silicone equal a bra size of 34 FFF

Sheyla Hershey has set a new record for something she can't and doesn't want to hide -- the largest breasts in Brazil, and perhaps the world. But is she in for more pain than she bargained for?

After eight surgeries and a gallon of silicone, Hershey's breasts round out to an astonishing 34 FFF -- and she claims she's not done.

In an interview with Fox 26 in Houston, where she traveled for the operation, the 28-year-old Brazilian actress and model said that she would like her breasts to be even bigger.

Unfortunately for Hershey, the state of Texas has limits on the amount of silicone that can be injected into breast implants -- and Dr. Malcolm Roth says this is for good reason.

"We know that the larger the implant the more likely there will be problems down the road," he says. "Maybe she'll be fortunate and not have problems, but those are very, very large breasts.

Any discussion or decisions about your son's feelings should be done with your son.  This is an ideal situation to guide him in a positive direction.  First of all, you are his mother and always will be.  She may be doing the parenting tasks for now, and should be respected for giving of herself, but she should not interfere in your relationship with your son.  Unfortunately that happens too often in families of divorce these days.

Ask how he feels about what is being said.  Ask how he responds to it...or does not not respond at all.  There may come a time where he listens to the garbage, then can stand up to her and say, "Aunt _____, I appreciate everything you are doing to help me with letting me stay here.  There are some people who would not do what you are doing for me.  But, my mom is my mom and I love her.  She is always going to be my mom and you are always going to be my aunt.  I feel I am lucky to have two different mom figures in my life that I can count on to help me learn how to deal with adult problems."

This sounds really dorky and I'm sorry others were as harsh towards you.  I hope you put your own feelings in check and focus on your son's feelings as those being the ones that should be focused upon.  He will be coming back to you one day, and everything that happens while he is away will stay with him.  How you react is going to have more of an impact than what she says/does, especially when it is negative.

I know something of what you are going through.  I am raising my grandchild.  My ex's family did not speak to me for 10 years, but now that I have custody of my grandchild, for my ex's sake, they have been more genuinely caring and welcoming to me than my own family.  There are a lot of words from the past being swallowed by my ex-SIL.  I have proven that beyond myself, my decisions first reflect the best interest of the child.  Everyone, even the child, feels it and knows it to be true.  From that, respect is being rebuilt.

Good luck to you and your son.

Sit down with him and tell him very calmly that you feel uncomfortable with this situation and ask him why he feels the need to do this. No matter what he says, keep your cool, and do your best not to say anything to make him feel defensive. Just be very clear about your feelings and your desire for him to stop this behavior.

To be honest, I doubt very much he will change, and I don't blame you for not wanting to live with this situation. The reason I am suggesting that you talk to him about it is to make it clear to him exactly what the problem is so that if/when you seek a divorce, he cannot claim that he didn't know there was a problem.

Internet addiction, particularly internet porn addiction, is a serious problem and is not easily "cured". I'm glad the two of you don't have any children. That will make things much easier, at least when it comes to legalities. Emotionally I know it is devastating, and I am very sorry you are going through this.