Should I forgive? and if so how??? (sm)

My husband hit me about 4 years ago...he slammed my head into a pole on our carport and pulled my hair, bruised my arms, cursed in my face.  It was a shock to me because he had never acted that way before, although he had been somewhat aggressive in the past.  It wasn't even a big argument, and I was stunned.  I left for a week and made him go to anger management counselling.  He went to two sessions, I came back home and he quit going.  He has never hit me again.  It has been four years. But he was never terribly sorry.... I have never felt the same way about him since.  I have never wanted to be intimate with him since.  I don't even like him touching me.  I have prayed, been to marriage counsellors, tried to change my feelings toward him and I just can't. 

It seems ridiculous to me to think of divorcing a man for something he did four years ago but I can't seem to feel anything for him anymore.  What do I do?

• Should I forgive? and if so how??? (sm) - MTme
  • I'm sorry to hear - s/m - mtroadie
  • A leopard cannot change his spots! - One strike and you're out!
  • Move on...you said yourself... - phillychick
  • It seems ridiculous because it is - sm - mollyMT
    • I sort of agree, but generally those kind of men don't - change.
    • Seems most poeple are not taking into account - My concern
      • You missed the point - sm - mollyMT
        • Sorry, I did not miss the point.. - My concern
          • Final installment - You need to read what I said again - - mollyMT
            • You're right MollyMT... - sm
  • yes and no - sm
  • My situation was very similar (SM) - BeenThere2
  • You already know the answer.... - Been there
  • Different matter - FLMTFL

The messages you are viewing are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select the boards given in left menu

a few weeks back my youngest son was injured.  My mother came by to bring him some ice cream.  For some reason something i said or did made my mother angry.  I did not know this at the time.  My husband and I went to lunch with said child, my mother and grandmother the next day.  I noticed they were acting rather stiff and one time hubby, child and I went to the bathroom.  When I walked back to the table M and G promptly stopped talking.  Confused, the next day I called and asked the grandmother if I had done something wrong.  Out of the blue she stated that she didn't think i should not let one child do something without the other (speaking about a birthday party they were BOTH invited to) I laughed and told her they had both been invited, that the child invited all of his friends and their brothers and I would never dream of self inviting my child to a party!!!  Anyway I called my mother and told her the same thing.  They both still sounded rather stiff.  Well along came Thanksgiving.  My MIL came over to our house so we didn't go to my grandma's house.  My sister in law then told me all the things that were said about me...that I treat my oldest like crap, my youngest is a spoiled brat, etc.  and that my grandma was actually CRYING because she believes my oldest is treated so badly.  I honestly have NO CLUE where they got all of this!! I was flabbergasted!!! I just wrote them both off and just never really wanted to talk to them.    No confrontation, nothing.  I didn't even return their calls.

So today my grandma stops by unannounced and begs me to forgive her and that she wants to see my boys some time during christmas.  SHe won't talk about the incident, what sparked it or even what the heck my mom thinks is so bad about how i have treated my oldest.  I'm at a loss.  On one hand I really want to get together with her.  She is just going on something that someone else told her about me.  On the other hand I feel like my every move will be judged if I am around her with my kids.  I told her I forgive her and I honestly do, but i'm not sure how to get past this.  I'm having a Christmas lunch Saturday with my brother.  Should I invite her or just say to heck with it and not see her?

  but I also think you, as a grandparent, can supply all the info to CS....my situation was entirely different and I'm sorry I didn't realize you were the grandparent before I posted...

And God Bless you for taking responsibility for your grandkids, my parents would have done zippo!!     

The reason I ask is that I am in a very unique situation. I have a family member (an in law) who basically hates me. She and I have sort of been at it on and off for 8 years. She's a very mean person, very judgmental, hates everybody. I mean, seriously. It's bad. She rubbed off on me for too long. We were friends! I used to point and make fun at others ONLY when around her. When I finally caught on that she was not a very good influence and that I was so easily pursuaded by her meanness towards other people (backstabbing, etc), I began to keep my distance. And she caught on. Now she hates me. For no reason, really, other than I don't call her anymore, don't hang out with her anymore. And here lately she has been doing evil things to me like returning cards I've sent to her family with a giant "return to sender" on the envelope, getting her sister against me (I mean, come on, how old are we??), etc. She will be at my mother in law's for the holidays with her kids and I am cringing inside.  In fact, just today, I received a nasty email from her when I got home saying some pretty mean things, calling me crazy, insane, etc. which I know I'm not, but it hurts anyways to hear stuff like that.  She has a very hard time forgiving people, I've seen it over and over in her life, and now it has come to the fact that I need her to forgive me in order for ME to have peace in my life. It's just the kind of person that I am. I am totally willing to look past all the mean things she's done and said the past year and try to move forward positively!

So, fast forward. I've written her an email basically BEGGING for her forgiveness and saying I'm sorry for whatever I've done to hurt you (I know I've hurt her by not wanting to be around her,etc), and told her it wasn't good for us to be on the outs like this.  I am pretty sensitive (if you can't tell already), and I really, really, really wish she could get past all of this and just forgive. We all need a little forgiveness, don't we?? What do you think? Why is it that some are so easily forgiven and others will go to their grave filled with HATE? I don't understand it one bit.

I'm not saying I'm any better than she is. I know I'm not.  I just don't have an evil vein in my body to not forgive people and I HATE when others talk about others behind their backs. It's mean. I grew up around that stuff and once I reached adulthood and realized that I didn't need to talk about others to make myself feel better, I hated being around it. Give me some advice.  Should I send the letter?

Please help me. Would you send it? She obviously needs love. What would you do? Would you just tell her to forget it and move on or would you be like her and hate back?