Regardless, that doesn't take away his guilt sm
Posted By: MeMT on 2009-01-16
In Reply to: In her original post (page 3) - daiseymae
She didn't believe it then, but she does now. Better late than never. He is still guilty and people who are willing to do those types of things don't change. My point to Mrs. R is that we are not villifying men in general, this woman's husband is guilty of doing something very bad.
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please don't take on any guilt that someone--sm
else is trying to lay on you. You have enough to worry about without feeling guilty about a human reaction. First off, it was not your husband's fault for not taking the quad off the trailer. It was all your BIL responsibility once he took the vehicles to his property, to make sure they were safe. period. If they are reacting out of anger towards you now, it is because they feel the guilt of responsibility and it may end up costing them something in the future. They do not want to have to pay the consequences for their mistake...so...they are trying to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for blaming them for your loss. they can only do that if you allow them to. You are in the right. You are also within your rights to attempt to recover for you loss, whether it is family or not. Secondly, the disagreement you got into with your sister is on her shoulders. Heated emails or not, she came to your house, became confrontational with you, and ended up placing her hands on you in anger. Whether she hurt you or not, she aggressively assaulted you. If you let it go this time, just like in any abuse case, be it male or female, it just gives her an open door to do it again, maybe not to you, but to someone else. She feels she can get what she wants by physical means, and that is wrong. You say she and her husband have always been this way, by screwing people over, so they can get what they want, no matter what the consequences. They have apparently never been made to pay the consequences of their actions. They have never learned not to be selfish. Family or not, sister or not, you have the right and obligation to defend yourself, your person and your property, against a selfish onslaught. As I said previously, your sister and BIL would be knocking on your door wanting compensation for their property if it had been stolen from you. Situations are always different when the shoe is on the other foot. Thirdly, even though you love your nephew dearly, she is the parent. It is her responsibility to act in such a way *maturely* so that her *business* is not in jeopardy and she will not lose her job or her home because of it. It is her actions that caused any consequences that come from this. Not yours. She seems to be very good at turning anything she does wrong onto someone else, making it their fault. Do not let her guilt you into thinking you did this, because you did not.
As you said. The damage is done. You cannot undo it. You cannot change it. You did the right thing in protecting yourself from her physical assault. Whatever happens now is a result of her actions, not yours. If per chance this ever calms down, and it will in time, perhaps an amicable solution would be for them to pay HALF of the loss. That way both parties take responsibility. That is just a suggestion. But please, please, do not take on the guilt she is trying to get you to take. Stay strong. Family or not, she had no right to inflict anything on you physically. Just remember that. Abuse is abuse whether you are hurt or not. Trust me on that. I have been there. I wish you all the best!
You ever think it may be guilt that has - sm
kept him from contacting her? People tend to sweep under the rug what they feel bad about, so maybe he swept his former life and child under the rug and cannot go back because he feels guilty of how he treated them. It does happen. Granted there are those who feel nothing and want nothing to do with their past "indiscretions", and are just horrible people to begin with. If it were me I'd get in touch, but with no expectations of becoming one happy family; basically for curiousity. My mom was adopted and on and off I have searched for her birth parents. She is dead now, and unless they are very, very old, her parents are dead too, but I may have some aunts and uncles I know nothing about as well as some cousins that I am still curious about and hope to one day meet. It took me a while but I got her birth certificate released via the courts when my mom was still alive and at least she died knowing her birthday really was her birthday (we had our doubts as her "parents" lied about so much) and the names of her parents, assuming they told the truth on the birth certificate, one never knows. Yes, her contacting her dad will ruffle some feathers but she has a right to contact him and should not let others stop her if she really wants to contact him just because they don't like the idea.
Guilt
Guilt is a major side effect of depression. Believe me, I know! I didn’t realize the extent of my depression until after I started treatment for it. Now that I am on the “other” side of the coin, I am much more aware of the symptoms and triggers. I, too, wondered why everything made me feel guilty, especially when no one really even tried to make me feel that way; I brought it on myself. For years, I kept asking myself why I was feeling that way and never came to a solid conclusion. Now that I am on medication, there was no real reason for my guilt other than I was depressed. I can honestly say that any guilt I feel right now is a normal healthy level, enough to help me remain considerate to others, but it is no longer a major part of my life. I feel like a slave who has been set free from bondage. I’ve learned that it’s okay to pamper myself and take care of some my own needs. However, I don’t think I could have ever done it on my own without the help of medication.
I would never put you on guilt trip for that
That little beast is a nervy ho!!!! The worst part of having kids is dealing with other kids and their parents. How DARE she do that? Use your computer? But I will say, this will be an ongoing war for eternity now with the mother.
first, quit the guilt
If you have been burned by someone repeatedly, and they still want you around, they have to be open to your verification to gain your trust. He doesn't respect you enough to get help and stick with it, as he has proven repeatedly, so why should he be surprised if you want reassurance of his activities. If he doesn't want to change, then there is nothing you can do to make him. You have to decide if it is really worth hanging on. Is life apart from him really that much worse than with him? I would advise you to see if there is anyone you can talk to who is an expert on addiction and those who live with addicts (you didn't say whether you have a counselor available or maybe a support group). FWIW, I've been there, and I would never give a man as many chances as you have. It is your life. Reclaim it for yourself!
My point is that the e-mail check is not what you should worry about. How his problems affect your life/sanity/sense of self is what you should focus on.
Good luck!
you're into guilt by association? s/m
As I know it, they broke up months ago..........so I have read...and anyway - you sound like my 87 year old mother!!! 
Guilt? I am much too old to think about such a superficial thing
I just wondered who makes you the guru of all things good or bad? I just happen to know that things mentioned here, not all, but some are absolutely good for you. My husband is a chef and I am a registered dietician. You need to go back on the other board where you always seem to stir things up.
Keep waking up at night - Guilt? Anxiety?
Okay - for months now I have been aking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and feeling hot. I have to sleep with a fan and keep fipping from one end of hte bed to ther other so the sheets will be cool. I guess that could just be that I'm hot, I don't know. Then I end up being awake for an hour or two while my mind wanders through everything that I am not happy with myself about and I end up making resolutions about how I am going to improve because I'm so bad, etc. I keep wondering if the heart racing is just physical and is maybe anxiety and I am trying to rationalize it as guilt so I start to try to think of what I might feel guilty about? Anyway, the next day I am fine, although I have started spending less money as a result of one of my late night attacks! Does anyone else do this or know what it is? I'm tired of it - and tired the next day!
either postpartum depression or embarrassed/guilt
I have known people to withdraw due to feeling like people are going to make fun of their child, blaming themselves or postpartum depression. Is this their first child? Could be that she is just simply overwhelmed. What does her mother-in-law/mother think? Is she also pulling away from them?
Just let her know that you are there for her even if that means sending her a card.
Hey, have at it. If you want a lazy, apathetic, not affectionate, doesn't listen, doesn't make
can reach him!!! Let me know if you're interested.
Confessional is for the purpose of relieving people's guilt of sin.
The law is written on mankind's heart. Confessional and or talking with your pastor is a helpful tool toward relieving guilt and for guidance. People who quote scripture like this should know it is fine to quote but also should be educated on the original purpose of confessional. No one ever said the Pastor is taking the place of Christ. Read up on Luther's papers, please.
I see where you are coming from because I would be nagged by guilt and feeling responsible
for the problem. I have those tendencies too. No way should you cash your IRA for a car.
Yes, guilt is my downfall. Now, I feel guilty because she has no life survival skills because I have
done everything for her...so now I blame myself about how she will survive because she has no idea what to do. I guess I didn't have anyone leading my way. I've been on my own since I was 16 years old and I made it okay. She calls me for EVERYTHING..how do I do this.. how do I do that and I know now it's time just to let her fall because she'll never learn how to pick herself up if I keep doing it. That's the hardest teacher..falling on your face. She even said that she feels different because she doesn't know anything other kids her age know how to do.. That right there should have made me STOP.. I have not done her any favors..When I thought I was helping her, I was just making it worse and enabling. I'm done with it. Thanks for listening.
It doesn't make me mad but it doesn't sound intelligent either (sm)
I am sure if all of those people who were aborted were living, some would be good and some would be bad, in the same proportion as there is good to bad now. Your statement makes no sense. So somehow the babies who were aborted were meant to be aborted because they were bad seeds? Whatever. Sorry, that's just silly.
It doesn't always work that way though - some give but it doesn't come back like that nm
x
That actually doesn't look that bad!
I love pork especially at a pig roast...by the end of the day the meat just falls off the bones it is so tender. Doesn't look too terrifying!
Doesn't take much to get you going does it? nm
x
If a dog doesn't have anything
to do, he will occupy himself. His thing is barking, which isn't fair to the neighbors. I had a neighbor who'd let his laborador bark for hours on end while I was trying to work. Almost drove me insane. To catch a break I'd occasionally take a rawhide, stuff all the cracks with peanut butter, and throw it over the fence. Ah, blessed peace for a while.
Cesar Millan has a website. I'm sure you can get lots of ideas there. It's all about exercise, discipline and then affection. You have to communicate your leadership and also use up his energy and teach him what it is you expect of him.
Why doesn't she get her own
It sounds to me like she wants you to pay her bills. She'll have to find a job and get a roommate like any one of us would. Why should you compromise what you have with your boyfriend when she'll be coming age very soon and can be out on her own? Let her know she's welcome to visit or whatever, but you'd rather see her pursue her own living quarters. 
That is my mom, she just doesn't get
it. She also thinks it is because of my husband. Nobody is good enough for me. Doesn't matter who it is. She has been telling everyone it is because she will not lend us money. My husband and I both work our butts off and have never borrowed money from anyone but the bank.
My brother and I have not been the closest and about two weeks ago, I called him. I now believe that a lot of reason why we are not close is due to my mother. He is four years younger and I was out of the house by the time he was 13. I always got my mother's point of view of what was going on with him and I should have known better. She told me he doesn't talk to her because she won't lend him money. He and I thought we didn't have a lot in common, so most of the communication was between him and my mom, then mom would "tell" me. He doesn't want her to see his son either, but being that he is divorced, his ex-wife allows her to see him. He said that she was always intervening in his life, no matter what it was. She kicked him out of her home when he was 15 and he has never looked back. He now has his PhD as a recent graduate and is very successful. We both believe it is a control issue with her.
That leads to this, I have researched grandparents rights as well. In Michigan, as long as the parents are married and fit parents, grandparents have no rights. If you were never married, separated or divorced or worse yet, proved to be unfit, then they have rights to see the children. Something to think about.
He doesn't like going out...
im at a loss because I am a social butterfly and I want the man that I love with me all the time. Don't get me wrong i LOVE my girls nights out, but I want him there sometimes. I think this is one of the main issues holding me back from getting married. I do respect that he doesn't like to dance, or go to bars... but he doesn't even like to go to my friend's houses... He is a little on the shy side and I have been with him 6 years (and we have known each other since we were in 7th grade - about 15 years-, lived down the street from each other...) And I can't see myself without him but I know this is keeping me from marrying him because I want that socialization. Even when we have a family I almost am positive I am going to want to have friends over with their kids... bbq's in the summer... stuff like that and he just isn't like me at all in that way. How do I deal with this? Oh yea even if he is willing to compromise I feel like he hates it though and that is still really hard for me to deal with. If he is just sitting there not having fun that's almost worse than him not coming at all... :( we are at a crossroads right now and that is why i am asking. we either stay together or dont...
I think the same way - if the OP doesn't
like the smoke, then she'd best look elsewhere. It's not fair to say "smoke outside" when they are paying the rent, too. Some people just amaze me!
mine doesn't...
I make Paula Deen's southern cornbread dressing...go to Food Network's site and look up the recipe. It's yummy, has no meat whatsoever, and makes a ton of dressing...HAPPY HOLIDAYS...
My mother's doesn't either...
Made with Pepperidge farm stuffing mix, white wine, mushrooms, celery, onions, chopped walnuts, seasoning. Not sure what else but it's different and delicious, still the best I've ever had!
Doesn't sound right
under those circumstances. Then whenever someone wanted new wall-to-wall they could just crap it up themselves and submit a claim and get a new rug.
At any rate, even if this is somehow true, the insurance company will only jack up your rate or drop you all together, so you're going to pay either way. And then you'll have a claim history and no other company will want you either.
I agree, it's more than just pot. Pot doesn't do that. sm
I have heard that taking Niacin helps clear out of your system faster as well as trying to "sweat" it out like he is. He also needs plenty of sunshine and you to be there for him. Rather than turning against him, stuck together with him and help him through it. It will make your relationship so much better in the long run and he needs the love and support of you to help him get to that place. Admire him for trying to break his addiction. It is very addicting. His rollercoaster of sweating, can't sleep, and emotional issues sound more related to crack/crank or methampetamines to me. I'd tell him in order for you to be supportive and helpful to him right now, he needs to at least be honest with you.
I can't tell the difference when something has MSG and when it doesn't. nm
x
I am not saying my hubby doesn't look
he just doesn't let me see him looking. Hey, I still look too.
He doesn't like the masks...
my DD has taken over the mask and my kids like to sleep with fans now too. I just turn them off before I go to bed.
She doesn't impress me though
Just something about her... She's like never smiling. Even when he gave her a rose last night, she just looks mad. Could just be the editing.. maybe there's something about her he does like. I think he might like Tessa... and Amber. I can't believe I let myself get into this show again.
With our experience, he doesn't need
We have bought several homes and I have been an IC MT the entire time. I have never had this ask of me. They just want to know what my income has been, as they know being self-employed can mean different amounts from paycheck to paycheck. Of course, if your husband is empoyed somewhere, they will put more thought into that
(they just don't say it). I had loan officers just start talking to my husband as if I'm not in the room just because they hear self-employed and know my husband is not....so they think he'll be the REAL one bringing in a paycheck. So, my husband brings them back in the game, as do I. We let them know both of our checks contribute to this mortgage, not just his. I've noticed the women loan officers are the worst with this, even though you would think they wouldn't be. We both have excellent credit scores and make sure this is the valid point we get across. Just make sure you are not overlooked as being an essential element in this deal. Generally, all the loan officer can go by is what you have made in the past few years, not what you may make in the future as an IC, because as an IC, you may not know what that paycheck will bring or if you'll even be with the same company 6 months from now. But again, I have never had this asked of me.
It all has to start somewhere doesn't it?
xx
But that doesn't apply to every
situation. In my case I got hit with something that was out of my control. I see where you are coming from because most times it is irresponsible spending and debt accruing that causes the problem but not always.
My mom doesn't like when mine rub against her, either
and she doesn't like that the neighbor cats in the development kill the birds at their feeders and also the baby rabbits. I don't especially like that aspect about them either (our 2 stay in the house 24/7) but it comes in handy in the house when we have a mouse. I know of people who go out of their way to hit a cat on the road and I think that is so disgusting. Makes me sad because of how much I love my cats.
What is funny though is that my male cat gravitates to my mother whenever she is here. He will just sit by her chair and stare at her with his big, golden, unblinking eyes. It really freaks her out!
He doesn't really look like he has aged all that much
in the last 10 years or so. I think he looks almost exactly the same as he did way back in his ER days!
Ugh, doesn't sound
too fun! Don't want to go to the hospital. That's why I figure it's past time to quit. My son is scared of me dying anyway. I told my husband no need in making his fear come true!
Why doesn't your son work? (sm)
I understand with all those children it may not even be worth it for the mom to work (child care would take all her earnings) but why doesn't your son work? Sounds like my sister. She has been living off of my parents for years.
It doesn't look sore, red or anything. Just
xx
How do you know he doesn’t like you/kids
You said he kept things under wrap. Your mother should not have to choose between you/your children and her husband. How old a person is he? Other things going on with him/them that you know of? Lot of people in older years PUT UP with children- that does not mean they want to be around them. I know you said you did not stay at the home with them. Do not ask your mother to choose, though. That is probably the reason she has not answered you. You as well as your siblings probably picked the ones you want and may not believe this but if left up to your mother and she had to choose, it might not be you and your family.
Thank goodness he doesn't eat
anything in front of the window, he just swoops, grabs and goes. He uses my front yard as sort of a "drive thru" I guess. He is a very pretty and majestic bird. I've tried to get pics of him, but my camera doesn't zoom far enough.
We also have Great Horned Owls that live in our pine trees out back. All through the summer I would hear them hooting. So I staked out the window one night so I could maybe get a peak at them and I actually saw one of them fly out of the tree, it was huge!
I just feel bad for my little feathered friends. I guess that's nature though.
Sorry for rambling, love to talk about my nature.
Doesn't bother me
For some women it takes more than soap and water. Not a biggie.
Doesn't bother me at all either
Some people need it. It's really no big deal.
Doesn't everybody use foil now?
I have never seen the other process done; just heard about it. I'm sure the foil is less physically stressful to the hair.
I bet the OP doesn't consider it "nothing."
x
No, doesn't take masses...just 1.
I think you're thinking of the voting thing...I'm talking about the straight up report now button.
I think you are the one who doesn't "get it"
There are a lot of things wrong in this world, causing our kids to be messed up.
I think taking religion out of schools is really low on the list, and I can't believe you have convinced yourself that is THE reason. No, actually I can believe it. Religion causes people to be irrational. The middle east is proof of that.
If David A doesn't win, then there is something
definitely wrong. The young man has "perfect pitch" -- an accomplishment which only approximately an elite 1,000 people possess in the US and Europe. Definite childhood prodigy if I have ever heard one.
He doesn't respect your
mother, and doesn't believe she will be "mean" to him. Therefore she will end up having to do what he doesn't believe she will do IMO.
That doesn't surprise me.
It seems like companies try to nickle and dime you with every charge they can get and very often the description they give is not accurate. I used to work in the hotel industry and it was very common there but customers rarely questioned it.
It doesn't look good!
I sure wish our government could see how many factors they are responsible for, such as giving our jobs away.
It doesn't change
I married a man with 2 grown daughters, a grown son, and a stepdaughter from his deceased wife. We have been married for 7 years and they were 31,33,43 and 35 when we married. They are now 38,40,50 and 42, and things have not changed a bit. They told their father they did not want him to get married, and the next to the oldest told me that I should come to her for advice, as she ran the family and everyone came to her for advice, and the youngest one sat on her stepfather's lap and cried at our reception because she thought she was losing him. They insulted my children, who behaved very well and have always been kind to my husband, and actually treat him better than his own children. I have been insulted in my own home, one of them said in front of me and my husband that "they were daddy's princesses and they would always come first." The son lives in another state thank goodness, and he is what I call a freeloader when he visits. Expects me to wait on him. He takes his father's chair in the living room because his excuse is that he cannot see well and needs that chair closer to the TV, when I actually caught him not wearing his glasses, which is why he could not see!! He doesn't ask his father if he needs any help (my husband is 8 years older than me and he is 70), nor has he ever offered to take his father to dinner when he is at home, until I talked to him kindly and thought it would be a nice gesture. He takes over the TV when he visits, and will not pick up after himself, and this guy is 50 years old!! I have never, ever seen such spoiled adults in my life.
Whew, just needed to get that off my chest. What I mean is that this type of behavior does not stop as they get older, unless the father has a good talk with the children. At 9 though you have to have patience, but she knows how to manipulate her father and girls are good at that. She might just feel insecure and maybe your attention will change that, but I do feel for you. Good luck.
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