Question regarding mental retardation and other issues

My sister adopted a boy back in 1989 when he was just about a year old (from Paraguay).  He's now 19 years old and she said he is awful and getting worse and worse.  She said he's horrible to be around and it's getting to a point where she doesn't want to be around him anymore.  He was diagnosed before he ever went into grade school with mental retardation.  Through the years my mom and sister were always defensive about it telling people that's he's not retarded, he's "special".  Anyway....here it is 19 years later and he is getting worse and worse.  Sis just called me from Maine on her last day of vacation and said he's the worst he's ever been.  She said he has mood swings, happy one second miserable another.  He won't let anyone touch the remote control and all week they had to watch what he wanted otherwise they were in screaming matches in the room.  Whenever there is a thunder or lightening storm (which on the east coast is a monthly occurrence) he goes absolutely nuts...meaning, he runs around their house screaming at the top of his lungs "make it stop, make it stop" "tell God I'll day anything he wants, just make it stop", then he runs around banging his head against the wall (btw - it rained every day they were on vacation).  I went back 2 years ago and one night it started raining.  Actually it hadn't even started raining, there were some dark clouds in the distance.  I was woken up early early that morning (bout 4 am) to the sound of screaming.  My bedroom was on the first floor and they all were upstairs (they live in a 2 story colonial home).  Anyway...I kept hearing screaming and screaming and I thought something happened to one of them so I yelled up to make sure they were all okay.  Sis yells down that there are some dark clouds in the distance and she's yelling at my nephew to knock it off, it's not raining or anything.  He's running around yelling "make it stop, I can't take it".  I fell back asleep only to be woken by my nephew standing at the side of my bed saying "I can't help it, I can't help it.  It's not my fault" and his hands were clenched in fists.  Then he started hitting punching himself in the head.  I could hear my sis and her husband talking upstairs so knew they were okay, but all I could picture was him standing over them with a knife after he's slashed them then stand there like that saying I couldn't help it, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't control myself.  He's a very huge kid (340 pounds) - and he keeps telling them he is not overweight, he is muscular.  Anyway...to make a long story short years ago they brought someone to the house to try and find out what's going on with the storm thing and nobody helped them.  I kept telling her he may need to be on medication, but they had no health insurance so never did anything about it.  This morning she called me and said she is going to have some counselers from her church (she's mormon and said they have professional counselors there) evaluate him when they get back from vacation.  She said they charge but not as much as regular ones (outside their church - they charge according to what you can afford).  Anyway...she said he is horrible horrible horrible, and she called him a little pri*k.  She said even her husband said to her "you and Dan don't get along".  She said he won't listen to her, said he's 19 and he can do whatever he wants and he won't listen to them.  They were giving him $50 a day allowance while on vacation this past week and he would demand it every morning before they had a chance to get out of bed.  She said they would hide their wallets after he fell asleep because he just goes in and steels money from them.  I asked her if I heard that right.  I said $50 a day?  I said if she held back his allowance for 3 days that would have paid for an hour of counseling.  She said to me I don't know what I'm going to do it they tell me he's bipolar or ADHD or whatever and needs medication.  I said would you rather have him diagnosed and on medication or know that he has something he needs medication for and he's deprived of it.  I said it's going to just get worse and worse if they don't treat it (whatever the illness is) and for her and her husbands sanity she's got to do something.  Sis turned 50 this year and her husband is 64.  I said this is not what they need at this time of their lives.  Also, last October they adopted a little girl from China (she's just two years old and she's okay and is not handicapped), but she said this week it was like Dan was competing with her.  She would get a happy meal at McD's and he would have to have one too, amongst other things he did.  At one time this week they asked him if he was upset because they adopted the girl and he said no.  They asked what the problem was and he said nothing, leave me alone.  My BIL seems to think that maybe Dan realizes that he's not going to go anywhere in life and is depressed.  I just told her either way, she has got to get some help for him because he could get worse and worse.  Once I told her that I was worried about the safety of she and her husband if they didn't get their son the treatment he needs, but she blew it off and said no, that her son is deathly afraid of her (he may be 340 pounds, but sis is 260 pounds - not as big but he backs down if she comes after him). 

Anyway...I don't know how much stronger I can emphasize to them that they need to get help.  Sis has talked about some day comeing out for a visit and hanging out at our place, but there is no way in you know where my DH would allow that.  I am very intolerable of my nephew.  When I go back to visit her he gets on my nerves something really bad.  The thing is he does things on purpose to urk them and then he'll look at me and laugh about it, so I know he knows what he is doing wrong.  But I get him back because I tattle on him to his parents.  HA HA - Okay, I'm bad.  But after being around him for about 15 minutes is enough for me.  There is nothing that is nice about that kid.  I've been around a lot of other retarded kids, kids with down syndrome and they are nothing like Dan.  I love them dearly and they are the nicest kids (sometimes better well behaved than kids without disabilities).  Anyway...because I know I can't take more than 15 minutes or so with him my DH is way less tolerant than I am and he has no interest in seeing him at all, let alone having him come to our place.  Nephew also has a bowel problem and goes to the bathroom in his pants often, so that woudn't work either. 

Anyway...don't know if anyone has anything to add to my post on what I can tell my sis.  Always afraid of saying the wrong thing to her.  Anyway...just had to vent about that.  I do hope they get him some help but not sure if they will (it's been 16 years since they should have first gotten him help.

• Question regarding mental retardation and other issues - Kaydie
  • Yes he needs intense therapy - anon
    • Your observations are right on - Kaydie
      • I think OP means she would use the terms - mtmomof2

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heavy.  My friend has gained probably 75 pounds or more since being on some of the meds. Don't know quite why they contribute to weight loss, but one commercial some years ago said that it does something to the part of the brain that senses when you are full. . . . .  

I guess it's an occupational hazard, isn't it?  I have these bouts where I just withdraw and don't want nuttin' to do with no one--sometimes for weeks a a time, then I get almost manic and freeze up physically and mentally, which can last for days, and then one day I'm happy as a clam and glad to be alive...then the cycle repeats.

I'm geographically isolated anyway but this 'career' is just mentally crippling when you are a person who needs to be forced to get up and out anyway or else they might sink into a depression, ya know?

I'm actually starting to get mild panic attacks if I have to drive anywhere--how f'd up is that?!  This not where I had planned to be at this time of my life--or ever for that matter!  Serious midlife cris going on here in my head, so, yeah you're not alone. 

If there were more opportunities in my neck of the woods, I would so be out of this business.  But, alas, if I leave it's a MAJOR step backwards and I won't do that. You know what though, now that I'm thinking about it....I am a halfway decent cook, and did okay in chemistry class, and there sure are a lot of folks strung out on meth 'round these parts.  I'm thinkin' maybe I should open up a meth lab and go into business for myself!  It sure would get me back in touch 'with the people!'

Hope these make someone laugh...  Makes me wish I worked in an office away from home sometimes...

Ways To Maintain Mental Health

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  see if they slow down. 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors." (I actually do this one!)
 
7.  Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with The Prophecy."

8.  Don't use any punctuation

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10.  Ask people what sex they are.  Laugh hysterically after they answer. 

11.  Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12.  Sing along at the opera.

13.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
 
14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!" 

18.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19.  Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,   we are going to have to let one of you go."

20.  Share this with someone else... its called therapy.

I know this isn't the right place to ask but have not received an answer anywhere else yet.  I came across it accidentally last evening when someone posted.  Thanks!

http://forum.mtstars.com/misc/b/8.html

it's located right here above our posts and under the words GAB BOARD

Psychologists say that people who take pleasure in running other people down have no self-esteem, are usually unhappy with their lives, and it kind of lifts them up to run someone else down.  Maybe we should feel sorry for her. Uh.  Maybe tomorrow.

My son is not very honest.  When I had him for my summer visitation this year, he talked about possibly wanting to stay here, but kept changing his mind constantly.  Finally he said he wishes he could try living with me for a year and see if he liked it.  I told him his dad would never go for that (the ex is now on an SSI disability and is also drawing SSI for my son - so his motives for keeping him there are very financial).  My son admits one major thing holding him back is he likes his school and his friends and doesn't want to leave them.  Its up to my son to decide when he's had enough and is ready to tell the judge he wants out of there and stick with it. I'm not pressuring him to make a change.

During our epic custody battle, the whole thing started because my son said "get me out of here" and started telling horror stories, which were mostly true, from what I saw firsthand.  I made sure he got a CASA (his own court-appointed advocate) so his side would be told to an "impartial" third party.  But my son was not honest.  He changed his mind and stories constantly and protecting daddy suddenly became a big deal.  He recanted everything he told me, my mother, and relatives on his dad's side (seeing his father and other adults naked, physical abuse, drugs/drinking going on, etc.) - either he said it never happened or his memory completely disappeared on issues where I had firsthand knowledge that it was true.  When the golden moment came to advise the CASA what his wishes were, suddenly he was quite happy at dad's, and didn't really care which parent he lived with.

This is one reason I have to see something in writing from my son before I grab this hot potato again.  I love him, but I cannot trust that he won't make me look like a fool and waste endless time and money to help him, when he does a 180 and wants no help when help arrives.  He claims to be disgusted by his father's drug use, but refuses to get him in trouble, even when I assure him I begged the court repeatedly to drug test us both and see the truth and the court declined to touch that issue.  He has pondered whether to play hardball with his dad and give an ultimatum that if he doesn't get off drugs he'll come live with me - this shows me at this time he still wants to be there or he would gladly walk away.

Most, if not all, of someone's "other psych issues" with their gender identity comes from society's attitude toward it.  Once they have completely transitioned, most of those issues go away.

"Psych issues" usually include -

being forced into an uncomfortable gender by an accident of birth and told they can do nothing about it

being treated like a monster by family and friends who can't accept that they need to change

being treated like a pariah and a target by perfect strangers who think its OK to abuse them any way they please, up to and including murder

finding it nearly impossible to find romance, because few are open minded enough to deal with this personally, given a choice

very messy situations in the workforce while trying to transition - mainly caused by coworker's opinions and attitudes

people in general who refuse to see the person but only see the gender issue, and judge the person automatically without educating themselves on the condition at all

My son, who is in the process of becoming my daughter, passes so well as "female" that unless you knew what's in that person's pants, you'd never know she's "male".  Once legally transitioned (with all the paperwork changed to reflect female gender), nobody that meets my daughter will see her as a freak.  It is only people that knew her before, as a male, that will have problems with "her".  So as long as those people continue to give her grief, yes, it will cause "psych issues", just as lifelong harrassment and judgmental ignorance against you would cause anyone some "psych issues".

She is showing classic signs of a UTI. She should be checked out by a vet as urinary issues can be deadly in cats if not treated as soon as possible.

I live in the country and all my cats have always been indoor cats. One lived to the age of 21.

What is your reasoning for allowing her to roam outside? Is she UTD with vaccinations? (as in all her kitty vaccs, nothing more)

My stepson is 19 years old and has become a major problem for me.  Here is some background.  I met my husband when his child was 6 years old.  The boy’s mother was an absolute nightmare and, long story short, he came to live with us when he was 9.  His mother since has had nothing to do with him, except occasionally raising her ugly head to cause trouble for our family, but nothing as far as mothering him in any way, shape or form.  A side note is that she has some serious mental and emotional issues.  Once he came to live with us, I have mothered him and supported him throughout his years in elementary school, middle school and high school, doing everything for him as far as school and sports were concerned and we were very close up until he was about 15.  Things really started to go downhill when he was about 16.  He is, academically, very bright and was on the high honor roll every year from the 7th grade to about the 11th grade.  That is when his grades and his attitude became horrible.  He came very close to not even graduating from high school, but he pulled through and, by the skin of his teeth, managed to graduate.  Outside the home, he seemed to be an angel, but at home he was very disrespectful and rude to both his father and myself and his little brother (11 years younger than himself).  He became very snide and mean-spirited and if anyone dared to question his actions or attitude, he would throw a fit, start screaming and swearing at the top of his lungs.  Some of the things he has said to me in the past were beyond disrespectful and well into hateful.  His father never seemed to want to punish him in any way. (I think because he just did not want to deal with his outbursts.)  Fast forward, after a miserable summer, he went off to college about 2-1/2 hours away.  I was actually relieved and hoped that maybe some time on his own would make him rethink his attitude at home.  Another issue is that he absolutely refuses to do anything close to resembling work to get money for himself, which is a big deal for me, because I think having a good work ethic is important.  His father said that because his grades were good, he was not going to push the working issue.  He came home after his first year with same crap attitude, had a miserable summer with him and he went back to school…. same old, same old.  Now Christmas break is here and he is home.  The first thing he does is fight with his father about working over break, which we made clear to him that it was an expectation.  Suddenly, low and behold, he does not think he is going to be able to get hours life guarding.  I started to feel a little better about things when he was able to get a couple shifts and at least he made some sort of effort.  Last night, he was going to take his brother to a wrestling match, which I was glad and appreciated.  It was my youngest son’s birthday present and he had been looking forward to going with his brother.  We gave them 25.00 for parking and snacks and my youngest had 10.00 of his own money that he saved from his birthday to get whatever he wanted, program, etc.  The event ended about 10:30 and they were on the road home (about a 15-minute drive).  An hour later, I call the cell phone and ask where they are, answer was on the road.  I explained to my stepson that his brother had school and I wanted him right home.  15 minutes later I call again and my stepson asks me if I am an F*ing retard and he said he was on the way home.  I knew he was lying immediately.  I asked to speak to my son, and he said no, so now I’m really mad.  They finally get home and I ask my younger son where they went.  He tells that they stopped at his grandmother’s to get something to eat because his brother would not let him get anything at wrestling, but please don’t tell his brother he told because he told him not to say anything to me.  I asked if he got a souvenir with his money.  The answer was no because his brother would not let him get anything.  By this point, I am furious, but just get him ready to go to bed and hit the hay myself.  Of course, if I said anything to my stepson, there would be screaming and swearing, and I hate when he behaves this way in front of my 8-year-old.  This morning, I asked where my change was from the wrestling.  Except for parking and 1 soda, there should be about 25.00 left.  He tells me that he is keeping that money to put gas in his car and just refused to give it to me.  I am so upset about this that my stomach is in knots.  I truly dislike him and just wish he would go away.  He has been nothing but a problem for the past 4 years and I am worn out and over it.  My level of anxiety is through the roof.  I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I am resentful of him and misery he causes our family.  I just wish he would go back to school and stay there.  I know that this is way too long, but I had to let this out.