Parenting advice needed! I am losing my mind with my 14yo son. SM

He is so smart.  I got his first grade card a couple of weeks ago, 2 Fs (Science and Computer Lit) and a D+ in English.  The rest of his grades were acceptable.  The problem isn't that he doesn't understand the subject matter in these classes, but that he simply doesn't do the work, doesn't turn in homework assignments, NOTHING! 

I started having trouble with him last year and he barely passed the 7th grade.  Now, here it is the beginning of a new school year and he's doing the exact same thing.  He's grounded, of course, but that doesn't seem to make a difference to him.  Last night his English teacher called to tell me he hasn't turned in any assignments since the beginning of the new quarter, that he simply sits there at his desk doing nothing while the rest of the class works.  She said he seems to be easily distracted.

When I talk to him about school, he gives me attitude.  Last night after I hung up with the English teacher, I was very angry, and proceeded to ground him longer and took away his IPod.  He had the audacity to say "mom, you're really making me mad (only he didn't say "making me mad").  I took step toward him because I was about ready to slap his disrespectiful mouth and he said "you better not lay a hand on me."  He threatened me!  So I basically took a deep breath and said "son you do not want to take me on."  And then I proceeded to tell him that he would be staying after school with his English teacher until further notice and that I will be picking him up every day after school to make sure he brings home all his books and homework.

I don't know what else to do.  I have asked his teachers to keep me informed via email cause I'm always at my computer during the day.  His Science teacher just emailed me and said he didn't turn in his assignment today.  After all that last night and he STILL didn't turn in his assignment!

I tried to be understanding because he's at a new school in a new town, but socially he's happier than I've seen him in a long time.  He has made a bunch of new friends, he's planning on going out for the basketball team.  At first I tried to blame his attitude problems on the move and the new school, but he was doing the exact same thing last year at his old school.  His dad and I have separated and maybe that has something to do with it, but life has been less stressful without his dad here, even my son has said so.

Please give me some advice.  I've thought about talking to the school counseling, going to family counseling, having my son see a therapist.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm failing as a parent here and I don't know what to do.

Thanks for letting me spill my guts.

• Parenting advice needed! I am losing my mind with my 14yo son. SM - MissouriMT
  • Help with your son, way to go Mom! - nanna23
  • Thanks to everyone for your awesome advice and much needed support. I showed up at my son's SM - MissouriMT
    • Good for you! - Escriptionist
    • Way to go! - ABC
    • This post made me laugh and then brought tears to my eyes...good for you!!! - sm
  • Help with son - Summertime
  • 14 year olds - SLG
  • I raised 2 boys on my own. - Busy MT'ing
    • Response to Busy MT'ing - ABC
      • Thank you and I agree wholeheartedly. - Busy MT'ing
    • You are right on the money here... - take Busy's advice...sm
  • I am not quite there yet as my oldest is only 11 but our school has a rule that you have to be passi - Sherry
    • oops it cut my message off - Sherry
  • your 14 yo son - ER-MT
    • Yes, he's my oldest. So this is all new to me. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a very good - MissouriMT
      • I emailed you . . . NM - ER-MT
        • My thoughts - dm
          • puzzled about the end of your post - puzzledMT
            • Meaning - dm
          • just my 2 cents - dlsifford
            • I totally agree and think that is why many kids - sm

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I've suspected for a while that my soon to be 16 stepdaugher is bulemic but her dad doesn't believe it.  Right after she eats a meal she goes to the bathroom and stays a long time.  She has lost about 40 lbs over the past year.  Today while doing laundry I found a note that she wrote and says:

Eat & Die.  No eat for a week (in & out)  Lose 10 lbs.  Eat again.

I am going to share this with my hubby when he calls while on a lunch break from work.  Perhaps now he'll believe me.   I've called the pediatrician's office and left a message for them to call me with the name of a psychologist treating eating disorders to take her to. 

Any ideas of how to handle him if he still is in denial?  I'm sure the stepdaughter will deny the eating disorder... she did before when I asked her about it.  Overall she & I do have a good relationship but this is an area I know she's not being honest about. 

Okay, I will try to make this short.  We send our son to Catholic school.  We are Catholic but we also love the atmosphere, i.e. safe and a good community environment.  He is in second grade.

When I pick him up today, he tells me this classmate girl has stabbed him in the arm with her pencil!  He had to have an ice pack on it for an hour and it still hurts him.  She poked thru his shirt and now it's bruised with a red mark in the center.  She has a short fuse and apparently was mad that he was invading her "space."  They have 4 stations at one table, so it could be difficult for a child to discern where one space ends and another begins.

I am pi**ed off about this.

1.  The school didn't call me, but the they did the other mother.

2.  The girl's mother (whom I know) hasn't called me about it.

3.  I spoke with the principal briefly because his teacher had left by the time I got there, but he is going to talk to the girl and my son about it tomorrow and about personal space.  She was in his office for an hour until dismissal today.

I know if it was my kid, I would be calling that mother right up and apologizing.  I am so ticked off right now about it that I am worried if I do call, I will lose my cool.  

The other thing is this:  We have always taught our son to respect others and treat others how you would want to be treated.  He has a good moral compass.  He is also a big and tough kid.  We have always taught him to never hurt others unless it's in self defense.  I feel as if they are brushing this off because he is a boy.  I think if the shoe was on the other foot and he did it to her, it would be bad news.  All hubby and I know is that we don't want it happening again.  How do we get our point across?  SHould I call the mom and tell her that?  My son told me this is not the first time she has done this (poking with the pencil) but it is the first time it hurt like this.  She could have gotten him in the eye or hurt someone else altogether!  I don't think she belongs in that school if she continues to act that way.  The school doesn't have a special needs program. 

I am so mad right now I could spit.   

school yesterday afternoon and went with him to his last three classes of the day which happen to the ones he's doing the worst in.  He was mortified, mad, and I thought his head would pop off.  I think I made my point.  After school, I went with him to his English class because she asked that he stay after so she could help him catch up on his assignments.  So I sat in the back of the class while my son and his teacher worked.  And while I sat there I decided to write out some rules.

Last night my son and I sat down and talked and he said he'd do anything I asked him to do if I would please never come to his school again.  I simply said that depends on you and we left it at that.  I grounded him indefinitely - until I get some good reports back from his teachers.  No TV, no video games, no friends over, or telephone.

I don't know what will happen, but I have to say I feel pretty good just by taking control of the situation and going to his school.  A couple of weeks ago I was saying "what am I supposed to do, go to school and follow him around??!?"  And now I know that answer is yes, if that's what I have to do.  I feel less stressed. 

Thanks to everyone!

Is that a step away from the school calling the CPS?  I visited my aunt at a resturant she was telling me about her children's children.  She said the 12 yo was acting up really bad in school and he is about to get thrown out.  Every word out of that woman's mouth was it is because the DIL won't.... or the DIL doesn't........  Aunt has the kids more than the DIL does and she is constantly critising the DIL on everything.  She had their 2 yo son with her and he started grunting obviously messing his diaper and she hit him on the nose (not hard) and said STOP!  Then he threw up and she covered his mouth as if to stop him and it did not work and somehow that was all DIL fault also.   DIL would tell aunt what the pedi said and aunt disagrees that the pedi don't know what they are talking about, that she raised 3 boys and they were going to do things her way.  She disagrees with what the parenting classes are teaching.  You spank kids and spank them hard, she ran around with a hairbrush and a fly swatter when her kids were little.  Her DIL called me one night in tears because at some family function aunt started in on her and saying that she is incompetant and she needed aunt and DIL threw her plate of food at her. Aunt got peturbed because DIl was feeding her then 1 year-old cheerios.  I told the DIL that there is a government programs out there that can help her pay for childcare that she does not need to rely aunt.  I got the number from my daycare director and gave it to her.  She never called.  I had also told the DIL that she better start listening to the school and to the pedis and not the aunt because she is the one responsible for those kids and if aunt does something they are going to hold her responsible.  The aunt won't let her use anyone but her.  She is very bossy and the matriarch of the family.  I had offered to keep the kids on weekends but I am not good enough either.  I don't make my kids mind and aunt would have to work to hard undoing everything I did.  Funny, the school told me that whatever I was doing with my 5 year old to do it again with my 18 month old.  The DIL and son are mentally handicapped, both were in special education class in high school and both are janitors of the school which is probably the best job they will ever get.   Think they would do well though and their kids would thrive better if they had a better support system.  I wished there was something I could do to help but they did not want any of my help. I just don't like to go around them anymore.  I have turned down every offer my aunt had to watch my children.  No way.   

He was a sheltie and he used to lay under my desk when I worked and I would rub him with my foot and he was a great foot warmer in the winter!  I used to say, he wasn't my dog, I was his person.  He got sick and then his liver failed and I had to have him put to sleep because he was suffering.  I cried for weeks!  I still haven't gotten another dog.  My kids have been begging me and they've almost wore me down, but for a long time after Taters died, I just couldn't bring myself to even think about another dog.  I compromised and got the kitty last summer.  I've never had a cat before, so I didn't know if I'd like a cat or not.  I've always been a dog lover, but I've been quite taken with my little cat.  He's ornery little guy and I love to play cat and mouse with him.

Listen to me just gush!  Sorry about that.

I read this today and loved it:  If winter comes, can spring be far behind? 

A day doesn't go by that I don't pray for a miracle. As the obvious enabler, I just always feel if I helped her just this one last time, this would be the time she turns it all around and I want to be there for her. Everything positive she does, I praise her, only to be crushed the next minute for it was just a mirage. It wasn't really there. Every night I have gone to bed saying a pray that we can just get through another day, and honestly, some days, I wasn't sure that I wanted to wake up. I just couldn't do it one more minute. When you love someone with everything you have and realize it still is not enough, that right there is the most devastating feeling ever. For every tear she has cried, I've cried thousands.  I try to be strong so she thinks I am uncaring. If only she could see or feel what I feel inside.  If love could have saved her, she would be. I am going to put it in God's hand because I have nothing left to give. Everyone wonders how and why I have survived and gone through what I have..and honestly, I have no idea. I hate the thought that it has become such a habit that I just expect it. I wait for the calls to come every day, as they will, on the next crisis.  I wait for my day to be ruined and that is one of the reasons that I chose to work at home. I was embarrassed when she would call me 15 times at work, even though I told her not to, or she'd show up. Just barge through my office.  I've gotten beyond what people think, but I know my friends understand and love me for me. Thanks for listening. Another dark day. Sadly, I have had to pretend to be on vacations so she won't come around trying to manipulate me but then she calls me nonstop on my vacations to send her money. It honestly never stops and I don't think it ever will. Please everyone say a prayer for me...

For my hubby's company Christmas party this year, we need to take a wrapped gift ranging in price of $18 and $22.  They are doing the "everyone pick a gift" sorta thing.  So, it will need to be for male or female, ranging in ages from 20-60.  See my dilemma?  I am thinking a gift card wrapped in a huge box.  LOL 

I would appreciate your suggestions!

Thanks!

If they sleep together, they dont need electric heat, body heat will be enough. I would build a "cave" of strawbales, toss in some loose straw and there ya go. I wouldnt use blankies as if they get wet, they will freeze. Like lying on an ice cubes  Mostly, dogs just need to be out of.the wind.  If they dont sleep together, just build 2 caves.  Either way, should be snug so body heat will build a pocket of warmth around dog.