Not sure what posts are below re marriage

• Working at marriage, can you explain? - Lynn
  • marriage - anon
    • Are we married to the same man?...sm - minnabird
      • sm - maam
      • I think a LOT of men are like that with kids - sm
        • marriage - an
        • Yes, definitely a stress point in a marriage....sm - minnabird
          • That's why I won't have kids. - Hayseed
            • Ditto, no desire, not in today's society/world! - nm
    • Aww, sorry you're going through that...sm - ILMT
  • don't change a thing sm - so sweet
  • We find that wine, pepperoni, and Ativan - Hayseed
    • Check out this avatar--it's my husband - Hayseed
  • Not sure what posts are below re marriage - sm
  • Trulyl inspiring. What you have both found your soul-mates for life. For most, - MQer
  • Your relationship is truly blessed and an inspiration to others. Congrats and Love long! :) nm - wanderer
  • Although I'm several years younger than you (47) I would - Wannie
  • Your living your dream like never before? - sm
    • Yes, did not know there was anyone - Lynn
      • Thanks for all these sweet answers and get this,,, - Lynn
        • the cost to see thru the eyes of love.... - PRICELESS

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is taking a vow.

vow   
verb [T]
to make a determined decision or promise to do something, which includes not sleeping with other women and no cheating WHATSOEVER.  He broke the Vow.

Before marriage.....  

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....  
Simply read from bottom to top.

First off, there is no "serving".  I am home, so I do all the bills, take care of the kid and cook most of the meals, housework, etc.  He takes care of the lawn and brings in a lot more money.  He is also very helpful on the weekends.  Easy enough.

We are extremely nice to each other, and I spoil him rotten but it goes both ways.  The best advice I can give you is to be yourself.  We go all out for birthdays, valentine's day, our anniversary and anything else we can find an excuse for. 

When there is a problem or something unexpected, we split the responsibility for it or the duties that come with it. Everything is 100% equal.  I believe he is the head of household in some ways, but in others, I am.  That keeps me from being too much of a pushover and keeps him on the chase. 

A friend of mine is getting married for the second time.  The first time around it was a huge, and I mean HUGE, affair with an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties, huge Catholic wedding with a huge reception with food and free booze, etc.  They registered at Macy's and expected everyone to get their presents from there.  There China was over $100 for a place setting!

The couple divorced and now she is getting married again and has sent out invitations to all the festivities.  She's planning another huge wedding and she has registered again at Macy's!  Now, personally I feel this is just wrong.  I think a small tasteful wedding is in order for the second go round and I don't think it is at all necessary to register anywhere for the second wedding.  How much China can one person use?  I mean, she got almost everything in her divorce!

I'm sort of a down to earth, pratical kind of person so Wal-Mart dishes are fine with me, so I guess maybe I'm not the best person to understand wedding traditions and etiquette, but do I really need to go to Macy's and get another expensive wedding gift?

Would your husband be willing to go to counseling? My marriage has been very rocky, and there have been times when my husband and I separated and I really didn't think there was a chance we would get back together. We tried several marriage counselors before we found the one who worked for us. But now - after 27 years - our marriage is finally a happy one, and has been for the last 6-7 years.

But it definitely takes two. If your husband will not go to counseling, then I agree that you should move back closer to your family where you will have the support system you need. Tell your husband he can move this time to be closer to his children.

I would encourage you and your husband to try counseling to work this out in a way that each of you will be able to have some of the things you want and need.

If he isn't willing to go to counseling, then your choices are live with it or live without him.

if you are both committed to really doing the work and making changes, marriage counseling can be a good thing.  Having gone thru it five (yes 5) separate times thru almost 20 years of a "marriage" - it never worked because my ex was never willing to make changes.  Every time the counselors approached his hot spots (substance abuse, physical abuse, unemployment, depression)  - it was time to "stop seeing these jerks who don't know anything".   

I believe honest open communication can overcome almost any issues - infidelity, financial, parenting -  and sometimes you do need an outside party to guide you thru.  Find a counselor you both feel comfortable with, can easily afford and be willing to give it time. 

My parents argued about everything for as long as I can remember.  I used to always side with my mom (just felt that obligation) as it seemed she was always the one being hurt.  As an adult now in a good marriage, I feel some anger towards my mom for being the weaker one.  She could have gotten out but chose to stay.  To this day, my parents are still married and still fight constantly.  My mom says my dad doesn't treat her well and when I look at it objectively, I can see her point.  My response, however, is my mom doesn't treat herself well.  She refuses to leave him, but she wants us to hate him, too, and I can't do that.  The problems they have are theirs to fight out, not mine.  I try to stay out of it as much as possible.

My point is your kids may be upset at first that you're splitting up, but in the longrun, they'll see you a strong woman and for that be grateful.  Good luck and don't listen to the rude one below.  She makes cracks all the time on these boards and I have to say she sounds like the selfish one to me.

had a shower with the first marriage and missed out on the exp.  Not all mothers of 2nd and 3rd babies ever had a baby shower with the first or second...

Sometimes its just nice to have the party since the woman in question may not have ever had the fun of such.  I know I had never even been invited to any parties other, or if I had been, never had the opportunity to attend.

Yesterday was my anniversary.  Been married a looooooong time.  I suggested sex, but was told my request wasn't as romantic as expected. 

I wasn't asking for romance, just sex!  What could be easier than that??  Did I marry a girl by mistake?  He wouldn't make a pretty girl. 

I have been posting below about my debt, my husband opening credit cards in my name, cheating, etc.  I recently called a domestic abuse line to try to get some clarity on my situation.  They said it was domestic abuse and to take out a restraining order on him, that would last for 10 days, then we both go to court and state our cases, and then the restraining order may or may not be instituted for a year.  All I could think was how angry this would make my husband. It would put him right into battle mode and I would be toast.  Apparently a lot of abusive men use the threat of taking the children as a way to subdue their victim.  It works because it scared me into wondering if I can even try to leave. 

Anyway, here is what he does:  Has not hit me in the last few years but in the first 10 or so years of our marriage would push me around some, back me against the wall when arguing, grab my hands or finger if I pointed at him, etc.  A few years ago he went nuts and beat me up, banged my head into a pole on the carport, bruised my arms, pulled my hair, screamed in my face biting my nose with every word.  I went to my neighbor, who was a police officer, and told him, and he told me not to report it because my husband would lose his job - a high paying professional level job where he is well-respected.  So I did not turn him in but did go to stay with my family in another state for a week and made him go to anger management counselling.  He went twice but stopped going as soon as I came home.  Prior to that time he had also slapped my son (at the age of 2) once in the face and had grabbed me when my son would fall, keeping me from being able to pick him up until I would fight my way away from him.  After the big event and anger management counselling he has not hit anyone again at all but is always seething.  He is a hunter and has guns in our house and I am afraid that one day he may snap again, as I did not see it coming when he attacked me before.

In the last couple of years, our marriage has barely existed.  I have wanted to leave but he keeps talking me out of it.  I am pretty sure he has been cheating for a long time and had some good evidence, though not proof, about a year ago, and stopped having sex with him.  He has been angry, sends me emails asking me to have sex with him or give him a "BJ", grabs my breasts whenever he walks by and just lets them fall (just very disrespectfully), or grabs my crotch or whatever.  He says very rude things to me. I have told him in the past that if he will work on our relationship then we may be able to get back to having sex but he says I have to work on the sex part first then he will work on the relationship.

About six months ago I had a car accident about a mile from home and called to ask him to come get me and he said no, just let them tow the car to the shop, I'm sure you can get a ride home.  When I got home he said if I was not going to be a wife to him, he was not going to be a husband to me.  So now he will do things like clean my car and expect a sexual favor in return.  When I don't do it he says he does things for me that he doesn't want to do, so why can't I do things for him that I don't want to do?

This could go on and on so I will wrap it up.  He insults me all the time, controls the money, makes me feel bad about myself and WORSE makes my son feel bad about himself.  My daughter so far has been left out of it and he just ignores her.  She is doing well in school, is a normal weight, etc.  But my son and I have both gained lots of weight, my son seems depressed and withdrawn but promises me his dad has done nothing inappropriate to him.  My son is scared for me to leave his dad because of the visitation time he would have to spend alone with him without me there to be a buffer (husband makes him work for hours raking leaves, etc and will not let him have breaks.  I have to step in and make him let my son take breaks or tell him when enough is enough.  Husband gets very angry about this. I know children have to do chores but they need to do them as children, not as grown men when they are not adults).  I can go and file the restraining order but my husband will fight will all he is worth if I do.  Maybe if I try to reach a happy medium with him in a divorce he will be nicer? 

Why does no one want to talk about this?  I have tried to talk to people at church and they all act horrified.  My husband is Mr. Personality and I guess no one thinks he could do things like this.

You know what I think is really funny. When people get so judgemental about something they know nothing about! While I don't believe that every divorce this day and age should have happened, there are some instances that more than justify a divorce. A man beating a woman is definitely one of them. How DARE you? You have obviously never had to live in a situation like that before. There are so many women who are afraid to leave their husbands that are in physically (not to mention verbally) abusive relationships. If one person isn't willing or able to change or is just down right nasty and mean, why would you expect their spouse to live with them and just take it?

People like you make me sick that look down on women for taking the appropriate steps to get out of a bad situation. What do you think it will mean to the children if a mom like this one is willing to stand up and say this is WRONG and do something about it versus staying in the relationship and taking his crap? That is a great step towards breaking any possible cyle of abuse! And of course children are going to react to a divorce in their own way. There is nothing wrong with counseling to help a family get through a hard time. Go back to your utopia and bake some more bread.

As for taking charge, I think we have to as they simply wont.  I mean someone does need to be "in charge" so to speak...it is their place to be "head" of the house, but most dont take that place, they dont want that place, the responsibility that it brings.

I often think of the fact that if I died while my children are young they would have to live with my sister....seriously.  He would not be able to take care of them, and not talking just financial, he literally would not be able to take care of them.  It is sad to feel like that about it.  Just how it is. 

For those who have been married for a number of years and are still in love with your spouse, how do you keep that "spark"?

Spare us the intimate details , but share with us how you and your spouse keep the flames of love a' burnin!