My parents getting a divorce after 30-something years...
Posted By: blondie on 2008-02-25
In Reply to:
Can you believe after so long together my parents are getting a divorce. My dad has this woman on the side who he just is crazy about. My mom says on his cell records it shows he calls her all day long. He even leaves the house to go call her at 10 o'clock at night. Sometimes he gets dressed up and makes sure his hair is all in place and then mama said she knows he is going to meet her. The kicker here is my mom has found out according to bank statements he is paying her house note and car note out of his account. I don't think the lady really wants him I think she is just going along for the free ride. Have you ever known a man to just be totally crazy about a woman like this? My mom has even found a new computer box in the back of his truck under the toolbox. It is just crazy to me. My husband says I would be dern if I would spend my money on some woman to give her everything she wanted and pay her bills. It would make me feel like I was being used. But he says to my mom we are just friends. I have never talked to a friend that much or paid a friends bills or bought them whatever they want. What the hey?!
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My parents were going to divorce before I turned 18 too...
But they didn't and when I moved out, then my little brother moved out after age 19, their relationship has gotten better. They go on trips and do all kinds of fun things. They don't argue like they used to. I think my brother and I (especially me being a teen girl with a "drama" attitude lol) caused a lot of their grief especially with my dating choices for a while when I was younger. I'm so glad they stuck it out because they seem a lot happier and healthier now. I really do thank God they did. I guess they got to rekindle their love once we weren't driving them nuts lol. I hope you guys can work it out because I'd hate for you to regret it down the road :o) I'd give it a really good try if I were you unless there is something going on where it's unsafe or unhealthy to be there. Also, some family counseling may help or just talk to him maybe? I'm still young & have no children so I don't know a lot about this, but just from the kid's perspective I can say it may get really good after they're grown.
My parents have been doing this for years.
They are very happy with Canada. They have a contact person they call if they get a new prescription or if they have any questions. They order a 90 day supply at a time and their doctor encourages them buying from Canada. He writes the prescriptions the way Canada needs them written. It has worked out very well for them.
Both my parents took it early but I mean 5 years early - sm
as you are only talking a year I would wait as you will get more money in the long run, versus taking it a year early. Remember it stays at whatever it will be when you take it early the rest of your life. So if it is $500 at 65 but $600 if you wait, I'd wait. My mom started drawing it at 62, she died at 68, so if she had waited she would not have made up the difference; so in her case it paid to take it early, but most of us don't plan on dying shortly after retiring.
divorce
Been there. You hit the nail right on the head -- his drinking overpowers or affects every aspect of your life, and your childrens' lives. Every day, every minute. Most people can't comprehend the constant stress that puts on a family. He's absolutely miserable with his drinking, and wants everybody around him to be as miserable as he is. Tired of walking on the eggshells and sick of the promises that mean nothing? I know I was! Drunks tell you what they think you want to hear to buy them more time. You need peace in your lives for once. You need to be able to predict what your day is going to be like when you wake up in the morning, and so do your kids. I hope it is a 'friendly' divorce for you. You may hurt his ego more than anything else. Good luck to you. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you. I will tell you this -- when my ex left after 12 years, my children and I finally felt like we could BREATHE.
Just let me know about the divorce! nm
m
divorce
Me, too, Freebie - I absolutely despised the man after 17-1/2 yrs., got divorced. He had the nerve to die 5 yrs. later. Had I stayed, I would be on easy street now instead of wondering whether to pay the phone bill, the electric bill or pay for Christmas or charge it. If I only knew then what I know now - haunting isn't it?
Divorce
My children were 14 and 11 at the time of my divorce, they are now 24 and 21 and are happy productive adults that any mother would be proud of. Not to say it wasn`t a very hard thing to go through, but all the fighting is very hard on the children to. I remember my daughter telling me that if I was to ever take her dad back she would be very mad at me, what does that tell you, if your children are old enough, talk to them about their feeling and fears.
Also, their dad got in their in there head and promised them all kinds of things that never came to past, to get them to stay with him so he didn`t have to pay child support,so be ready for that to, but as I said it didn`t take my daughter long to figure that all out, now she is grown and married and her and her dad hardly speak, which breaks my heart, it not fair that a child should have to do without either parent. Anyway I could go on about this subject all night cause it is a heartbreaking thing for all involved.
But you are the only one that know if it`s worth hanging on to.
my prayer`s go out to you in whatever you decide.
After my divorce
and my 45th birthday, it seems like everything changed for me. Things I thought were important, aren't anymore. I don't care about what I have, I'm more interested in what I've done, or more specifically, haven't done yet. Even my politics have changed some. Life changes you. Its like Character Remodeling as we mature.
I've always been suspect of anyone over 45 who tells me that they have no regrets in life. Have they lived life with eyes wide open? Nothing could have been made better?
In some ways, if you aren't evolving and changing, is it possible that you are not living? Great question.
divorce
It takes time. Be extra kind to yourself, seek support if you need to. It does get better, trust me. I am now in a place where I'm happiest I've ever been. I'm still alone but independent and free!
Divorce
I divorced my first husband when my children were 1 and 3. He was a crack addict. It wasn't easy but it was the right decision for me. I would definitely suggest going to Al-Anon. I didn't make it there until quite a few after my divorce, but it helped me a great deal. Best of luck with your decision.
Shelly
If you are going through with the divorce,
it will come out when you list assests, debts, etc.
divorce
I always think it is funny when women think divorce is the best thing for everyone and will make everyone happy.
Kids need two parents whether you are divorced or not, not a counselor to straighten him out.
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
Divorce
My jerk of a husband told me I have less than 2 weeks to move out -- that he spoke with a lawyer -- personally I don't think he has, but is this legal? My name is not on our home, but I have my own car in my own name, which I pay for and he has a set of keys-- refuses to give them back to me. I have about $80.00 to my name these days until payday. You know how it is with MT work -- living paycheck to paycheck. What can I do? Is there free legal help for women?
Amicable divorce, can it be done?....sm
It's time DH and I end our marriage. It's not a good situation for any of us. Long story short, DH thinks it is me because I'm a miserable B**ch. All I know is DH is an alcoholic, which overpowers everything, so I have no idea, in all honesty, what lies beneath. The kids and I pretty much know every morning when we get up that today will end like every other day with dad coming home after his six pack +, feeling guilty, looking for imperfections in everyone else to gripe about to avoid the fact that he's drunk once again, and no mater how much we try, in the end, in an argument.
I'm mad at DH for choosing the alcohol over his family, I'm angry at myself for staying longer than I should have, etc., etc., etc.
I've decided the bottom line is that I want healthier, more peaceful, and more productive lives for myself and my kids. In the best interest of my children, he is their father and no matter how much hostility I feel towards him, the best thing for my children is that neither of their parents ends up destroyed or broke over the divorce. Basically, I want to remain focused on the goal of providing a better life to myself and my children, including not contributing to the destruction of their father. My suspicion is he is going to end up destroying himself anyway, but I honestly don't want to force that to happen. The optimal outcome for the kids would be to end up with two emotionally stable and financially secure parents. Is it possible to end the marriage without destroying the kids? Is it possible to stay focused on the ultimate goal of having a more peaceful and satisfying life for you and the kids and to just let go of anything that does not make a positive contribution toward that effort? Has anyone successfully managed an "amicable" divorce, or at least as amicable as possible? I've already wasted 15 years on a marriage I knew all along was never going to be successfull no matter how much I wanted it to be. Any advice?
Question of dog in divorce
I filed for divorce due to abuse, only married 4 years with no kids but we do have a dog. He is considered "marital property" in my state and therefore part of the equitable distribution which is 50/50. I am wondering how it will be decided who gets him. My soon to be ex did pay for the dog (a purebred) but he has been at home with me from day one so. Has anyone been through anything similar that can give me a clue as to how this might be decided?
This came up when my daughter got a divorce
and she and her husband got their dogs from the humane society. I was heartbroken thinking the dogs would be going back. I had already thought what kind of ad I would put in the paper, maybe hunting a good home for my granddogs.Long story short, she and her ex now share joint custody. Both are on good terms with each other and if my daughter needs time for herself, she contacts him and they switch the dogs over to his place and vice versa. It is so great for me and I still have those little ones in my life.
How long until the divorce comes
through??
I can't believe he'd do that. Men. Just wait till she puts Ex-Lax in his brownie right before his big presentation at work.
After a divorce is final...
After a divorce is final...what are your thoughts on the mother and her child requesting that their names be changed back to her maiden name?
"Traditionally, courts ruled that a father had an automatic right to have his child keep his last name if he continued to actively perform his parental role. Although there is still some bias in this direction, it is no longer strictly true. Now a child's name may be changed by court petition when it is clearly in the best interest of the child to do so. When deciding whether to grant a name change, courts consider many factors, such as the length of time the father's name has been used, the strength of the mother-child relationship and the need of the child to identify with a new family unit (if the change involves remarriage). The courts must balance these factors against the strength and importance of the father-child relationship. What this all boils down to is that it's up to a judge to decide which name is in the child's best interest."
What would really be in the childs best interest if he doesn't grow to know his father anyway? keep the last name? or change it?
See a divorce attorney
Find out what your rights are in your state. If the children are staying with you, then your husband should be the one to leave. It doesn't matter if he says he won't do it. It matters what the law says he will do. If you have a court order telling him to leave, he will either leave or go to jail.
I understand how difficult this is, I really do. I have been married a long time and have come very close to divorce, to the point of physical separation, twice. No matter how bad the situation is, your life is entwined with your husband's and it hurts to break those ties.
But for your sake and the sake of your children, you need to do it. And you need to be prepared. That is why you must to have someone on your side who knows the law and can help you make sure you and your children are protected and get everything that you need and deserve.
Try Divorce Care
I went through a divorce. The kids were very young and many years after the divorce, the kids started asking questions. I heard of a program through our church called Divorce Care. It was wonderful! That support group helped my children as well as myself. Google it and there just may be a church in your area that provides that. Good luck.
See inside RE: Divorce.
It sounds like you have gone in different directions; however, marriage is about compromise. It sounds as though you've gone in different directions. What a shame. It is a tough world, but think before you act because I know someone who was in your shoes, and she divorced her husband and now it is really hard for her to make enough to survive, let alone, have any fun. I think it sounds like you need a "weekend getaway" to number one, light that flame again. You also need to do some research on your own and try to compromise in where you live. It is obvious you will need to be the house hunter, and then once you find what you want within reason for distance to his job, hunting, backyard, etc., you sell it to him in a way that first and foremost meets his needs, and then put your needs second this time. That way, he feels "ownership", and you in the long run get exactly what you want. Keep in mind, men are just big little boys, and most want a very simple life. l wish you all the luck, but I wouldn't give up on your marriage as your children will ultimately suffer.
My SIL wanted a divorce until
he got accepted into medical school. Then things changed rather quickly. The person he is married to now he met in med school and they graduated together and work together at the same hospital. She encouraged him and motivated him the entire time he was in school. He didn't start med school until he was 31 so it was a big decision on his part. Am so proud of him.
Divorce is like suicide
It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Wait a while and things will get better. It always does. I have been married to the same guy for 40 years and I dated him for 5 years before I married him and based on this experience I give you my "aged" wise advice!
I think you are just ticked off that he never considers what you want to do and so you feel like if he went to Africa or somewhere for a few months it would give you a respite from anger. Go to counseling or get a friend of his (if he has one who is suitable) to let him know that your complaint is a valid one and that he needs to take a look at his behavior of always making plans without consulting you. Let him know that you guys are a "we" not an "I". Just temporarily, go downtown and get a pedicure and buy something new for your trip that he planned that you did not want to go on. You will feel better, have a new outfit or two, and your feet will be lovely until this resolves itself (and it will).
Sometimes it comes down to divorce OR suicide
I've known too many people who pretended it would get better someday and it never did. All it did was add years of misery to their lives. Depends on the issues and the big picture - sometimes divorce is the best answer.
Except FL has no fault divorce. Everything is 50/50.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Can't seem to move on after divorce
I'm divorced now for quite a few years and have just had absolutely no interest in dating. I have 2 children (older) and bringing men into their lives in any capacity has never sat right with me, yet I'm lonely. My ex has moved on (in a new relationship) and unfortunately I have to be around them during kid's functions. It's not that I'm pining for my ex. I just miss being a family unit. I sought a little counseling but it didn't help. I'd appreciate any advice anyone might have who has been in a similar situation.
What do I think? Time for a divorce!
I will NEVER be able to understand why women put up with stuff like this. Your husband sounds like an ***.
I have - or had - a friend whose husband was like this. Very controlling. They fought all the time because unlike you, she WOULD push the issue constantly. The fights eventually became physical. After so many times of her crying on my shoulder and asking for advice (my advice was pretty obvious), I finally decided I couldn't be her friend anymore. I did care for her, but I can't be the shoulder ever time he hits her and then be waiting for the next time to say the same things again.
It bothers me a lot that women put up with controlling jerks like that, and I just can't stomach being part of it. That is your sister! Who is he to tell you that you can't see her?
Ugh, this kind of stuff makes my stomach turn.
Yes, get a divorce lawyer - sm
I talked to one before I confessed to my DH about the debt he knew nothing about ($88K) figuring my marriage would be over. In the event of a divorce I would have walked away with no debt, no home, but enough leftover to either buy a house with a good downpayment, or rent and be able to afford it for quite a while. I know my DH would have tried to get the kids too but I don't think he would have "won" despite my deception about the debt. I do everything for my kids, he does nothing except make dinner a couple times a week and takes them to the movies or skating every 3-4 weeks, that is it. I never got so low as to open cards in his name, and I am thankful I never sunk to that level though it did cross my mind once or twice I knew it was horribly wrong. I suspect he just filled out them in your name, maybe even on line, and then transfered his debt to yours, possibly putting himself as a user on the account, but even w/o doing that he could still transfer his debt to "your card", I know, I would transfer debt off my husband's cards onto mine so his credit would stay pristine, and so he would not find out. I would inform the companies that you did not open the accounts, have a fraud investigation started. As for telling him about the debt, since you are already heading for divorce, I would not tell him a thing, let the lawyers figure it out. They will do a list of assets and debts and figure it all out in the settlement. He can find out then. Run a credit report on yourself and find out how many cards he opened up in your name, and call each one, or better yet talk to a lawyer first and see what they have to say on the matter. I know my mess was/is bad but very thankful my DH ended up to be forgiving enough or just too lazy to go thru another divorce (I am his 2nd wife), and/or did not want to put the kids thru that. But the sooner you get the ball rolling and start taking care of things the better you will feel, I know, I feel so much better now. You kids will be happier too. Do not stay for the kids or keeping a stable home, etc. If you are miserable, then they are too and it is a horrible example for them. In my case a miracle happened and things are better than they have been in a long time, but it sounds like your case is terminal. I wish you the best of luck.
My psychiatrist says I need to get a divorce
I never thought this would happen to me, but after 3 visits, my psychiatrist says that I'm wasting my life and my husband's by staying in this marriage. DH hasn't fallen out of love, but I married for the wrong reasons and life has gotten stressful and I've been so depressed I wanted to die. This MD says my marriage is a goner and I need to face it and get out. These are terrible economic times to try to go it alone, and one of my problems with my marriage is that we have not managed money well, so I'll come out of it with more debt than equity. And what a terrible time to try to sell a house. Yuck.
Oddly I found somebody with a townhouse with a room to rent and a separate bathroom near my work. It would cut my commute down to nothing, and I really wish I could move right in and get on with my life. So I guess the psychiatrist is right, but am I up to all the work ahead to get out on my own and survive??
Before the divorce he never came to my house...sm
and he lived next door. He never called, never cared about associating with me or not. I seen him of course because I was living right next to him. That is what is so weird for me. We have never been close at all. Daddy was always a loner who didn't like to be bothered with children, his or anyone else's.
Fortunately, since divorce sm
I do not have to give a ****. Actually before that, did not give a **** either. Nonsense.
No when you get a DIVORCE that makes ...sm
you SINGLE once again because you are divorced and no longer married.
I'm not thinking about divorce
I'm just trying to understand these feelings. Like I said, I would be devastated without my husband. He's my best friend. And there is nothing wrong between us.
I just don't understand why I constantly feel like I am at war with myself. Everything is fine, so why is half of me so afraid, restless, whatever you want to call it?
I am sorry about your marriage. I couldn't imagine being with someone for that long and then having to decide to leave. I don't know if I would be tough enough to do that!
nobody "wins" in a divorce or haven't you been
x
on subject of divorce reasons
Mine:
1. He cheated on me with EVERYBODY he could.
2. He was a control freak, didnt work, took all my money and hit me.
His:
1. she cheated on him.
2. She was a control freak and all she wanted him for was his money. When he changed from a high paying, high stress job to a lower pay but much lower stress job, she left.
Is it any wonder that either one of us wants anything to do with anybody else?
see my post below on divorce reasons
I should elaborate on this - I have known this man for probably about 20 years. I know that I can trust him. I do not want someone who will bring me home an unwanted surprise that I only learn about at the doctors office. Or somone who will beat me. I know that he would not do these things. and yeah, him being a christian means a lot to me.
Don't beat yourself up. If you divorce, no one will be good enough for him. sm
He has serious issues of self-worth himself to be so quick to point out your flaws. That's what people like him do - they point the finger and say, "You're not this or you're not that. You're too this or you're too that" when deep down inside it is actually them with the major problem.
I am going back to school to become a licensed marriage/family counselor and have read many, many books.
I do think, however,that you need to look deep within yourself and see where your self-worth is coming from. Don't allow him to shape the person you are supposed to be by his mean words. You need to tell him how much his words hurt you.
I personally don't think you should leave unless there are 1 of 2 things going on: Abuse or infedelity. If none are present, you should work on your marriage.
Too many women nowadays give up on their mates. If he wants to leave, let him leave. If he wants you to stay you should work it out. Set boundaries, though. Tell him that you will not stand for him pointing out your flaws and threatening divorce. You need to both a lion and a lamb to your spouse. Be sweet as a lamb, but bold as a lion if need be. They need us to be both.
I can go on all night about marriage but I won't waste any more of your time. Good luck.
You probably wont have to worry about a divorce on your end
I have been married about 10 years now and exact opposite of what you have. I have love and respect and more but I am older and love the time I can spend with my husband. I think he is the best thing since potato chips. I love and seek out his hugs, his kisses and yes sex. He is not first husband but definitely would be the last, just could never find anyone to measure up to him. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and I think he feels the same about me. Even though you have a young family, feel like the lack of closeness could be very much associated with the fact you are so against the so called slave in the bedroom. I am very surprised that your husband might not be looking outside the marriage to get more satisfaction. Think about it, not just you can get a divorce.
Divorce is final insurance is gone
Once you are divorced, you are off of his insurance unless you COBRA over but yo have to do that immediately. He cannot add her without being married and if he does this under the table, it is insurance fraud and both of them can get into trouble. If he is behind on his support, don't trust him on anything else. All she has to do is to call his HR department or if she knows what insurance they had while married, call them. Beware of him he does not sound to be above board and legitimate.
Question about mortgage and divorce...sm
Is the only way to get my name off a mortgage is to have my ex either refinance or sell the place?
Thanks
Is this an indicator I should divorce - listen to this (sm)
I posted yesterday about my husband planning things without me.... Then yesterday he sent an e-mail that his company is looking for someone to go to Africa to work for 5 to 6 months early 2008 and should he apply. I got all excited at the thought of him being gone for that long!! How awful is that?? I can remember when I would be sad that he had to be gone for three or four days! Now he tells me he was kidding and that he would never really go work in Africa like that. I was disappointed! I have been trying to decide if I would be regretful if I divorced him but I can't believe my reaction to the possibility of him being gone and my disappointment that he was staying!
which is better? Divorce or stay for kids? (sm)
My husband and I are trying to decide which is better, to get a divorce or to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage. He is bitter a majority of the time. I am depressed because of the marriage. But we are able to function and so far the kids are doing well. They do well in school, are social, involved in Scouts and church, no behavioral or emotional issues. I say if we can do this right and divorce with as little trauma as possible, we can keep the kids happy. He says we should just stay together like we are, which is not having sex for the past 3 years but him asking for it daily, and being bitter every day when I say no. There have been a lot of terrible things that have gone on between him and me, and we have been to several marriage counsellors. I know I will never want to be sexual with him again, because when he touches me, it feels like poison, and no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to change that feeling. yet he asks me every day, usually via email. Which is worse?
Your brother doesn't believe in divorce?
Does he believe in marriage? A Catholic priest once asked my friend that question. ONE person alone cannot make a marriage. Adultery, emotional/verbal/physical abuse, financial irresponsibility, substance abuse, gambling should not be tolerated. If not divorce, then a legal separation.
I am not romanticizing divorce by any means sm
While my dad obviously found a wonderful woman he remarried, my mother was not so happy. She remarried twice and divorced again and is just now getting remarried again to her boyfriend of almost 14 years as she feels that this is finally going to work. I have had difficulties in my own marriage, which are getting better, and while I was incredibly close to getting out, I have chosen to work on my marriage. And I don't know if I would have ever gotten remarried simply because of the issues facing blended families.
As far as your stepdaughter, she was forced to make a terrible and unfair choice. I had a similar experience but with a much different outcome. I felt like I was betraying my bio-mom by calling my stepmother Mom and agonized over doing so. When my stepmom told me that she was okay with me not calling her that and that it was my decision, I found a bit of control in a situation otherwise beyond my control. While I chose to call her Mom, I also tried not to do so in front of my "other mom." I don't know all of the circumstances, but with my own experience, maybe she felt like the choice she made was the only one she could make without losing her mother.
Divorce final today
Just feeling a little down, as my marriage is officially over as of this morning. I'm okay; just a little sad. Any of you "been there, done that?"
Anyone go through a divorce w/younger kids? sm
I've been married almost 12 years and have an 11 y/o and 7 y/o. My husband and I have been fighting almost constantly for the past several months, mostly about him drinking. He had a problem with pot and other substances for about 5 years and finally went back to work a little over a year ago. Ever since then, he has been drinking at least 1/3 of a large bottle of vodka every night but doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he still goes to work every day. Any time we fight, he threatens to end the marriage because "it just isn't going to work out anyway," while I have always felt you don't throw around the word divorce unless you mean it. Well, I mean it now. I gave him an ultimatum - straighten himself out or I leave with the kids. I am not going to go through 5 years of this again. It is affecting the kids, and my son is acting out to the point of saying he wishes he had never been born. I am giving my husband until after Christmas to decide what he is going to do, and if he does not value our marriage more than his alcohol, I am moving out of state. This is not to keep him away from the kids but because my parents (divorced also) are in a different state than I am and I have no family at all here.
Has anyone had to make a decision like this? I don't want to do this, but I feel I have no other options. He refuses to go to counseling or to see a doctor about what I am positive is depression. Any tips or suggestions? Sorry to dump on everyone like this, thanks for reading.
Time for a divorce. Make him pay for it. nm
xx
excellent advice, I'm going through a divorce sm
and we have a signed, notarized separation agreement since the State of Florida doesn't recognize legal separation. I traded half of his 401K for health/dental and vision insurance for the next year (since my employer doesn't have good coverage) plus $1K a month for the next year. Hopefully in a year I can find another job that will have health insurance.
real story about divorce
Boy meets girl in high school, worships the ground she walks on. Loses his virginity to her, wants to marry her. She thinks she can do better. High school ends. Fast forward ten year reunion. She shows up single. Boy shows up married. During the reunion boy and girl go up to hotel room and have sex, wife is left in the lobby. Does girl change her mind? NO! She thinks she can do better. Fast forward ten more years to 20 year reunion. Boy shows up alone because his wife divorced him. Girl does not even show up this time. Boy is bitter and angry....Still.
True story. Divorce is not romantic! Can we cut the Cra**?
If he really wanted a divorce he could just leave - sm
if he is that miserable he ought to do just that. Then again maybe he was just venting.....but you can still get a divorce even if the other person refuses, takes longer obviously but it can be done.
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