My husband is an alcoholic currently in rehab for his addiction.
Posted By: LoriMT on 2009-06-04
In Reply to:
Our marriage has suffered terribly because of his addiction. Actually, I should say my love for him has suffered terribly because of his alcoholism. He is totally dependent on me and I have come to feel more like his mother than his wife. I make the money, pay the bills, take care of our children, basically run the house. He's either always looking for a job or working as a self-employed used engine and transmission salesman/mechanic barely making any money at all.
Recently, I told him I didn't love him anymore and that I was tired of taking care of him. So he entered rehab as a way to win me back and prove his love for me. He calls me at least 20 times a day from rehab. If I don't answer, he will call repeatedly every two minutes or so until someone answers or he has to go back to group or class or whatever.
He will get out of rehab at the end of this month and fully expects to come back home and provie that he is changing. My problem is this, I don't want him to come home. I have enjoyed the peace I've had with him gone (save for the constant phone calls). However, I fear that if I am honest with him and tell him over the phone that I don't want him back, this will affect his sobriety and basically he will see no reason to finish rehab and remain sober. He tells me repeatedly that he is doing this for me. I've told him he should be doing it for himself or at the very least, his kids and he will just agree with me and change the subject.
He's not a bad person. He just has his problems and I'm tired of feeling like I have this anchor around my neck all of the time. While he's been gone I've enjoyed spending time with my kids. I've gotten together with my girlfriends for dinner and movies and just had girls' night out. I've spent time visiting my mom and sister and helping my niece plan her upcoming wedding. Without my husband around, I've just feel free to have fun and do stuff for me.
How can I tell him that I want a divorce without feeling responsible for affecting his rehabilitation? How would you handle it?
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Yes - he checked himself in rehab for sex addiction
nm
alcoholic husband
He has to hit bottom, and only then will he start coming up, if he gets help from AA or something similar....and HE HAS TO WANT TO DO IT.
Alanon can give you some good ideas, and I think the longer you and the children stay and put up with him, you will be coenablers, without even intending to be. When they get backed to the wall they become frightened, swear to never take another drink, but nine times out of 10 they do. They need support, not from you, but from the experts. Your support will come later if he stays clean and sober. Please, the children and you need to leave now, it may be for good, or he might come around and stay dry. Yes, get a lawyer and start proceedings. I wish you all the luck in this world. You're a good mom, don't forget that.
Husband says he is an alcoholic. (sm)
He has a good job, never misses work, never lays around drunk. But has alcohol almost daily. Hides it in his truck, cabinets, etc. and will be drinking a mixed drink when I think he is just having a soda or something like that. He has told me this in the past too and I thought he was kidding. But yesterday he said there is "no doubt about it, I'm definitely an alcoholic." We have had many marital problems and now I am wondering if that is why and I have just been blind to it. Could he really be an alcoholic and me not know it?
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He. too,
held a full-time job, did all the *things* he was supposed to do but came home EVERY night and consumed anywhere from a pint to a quart of liquor (first bourbon and later vodka). He knew he was an alcoholic and would tell you so. One day after months of feeling like crap all the time, he decided it was time to quit. His doctor admitted him to the hospital. He is 6 feet tall and weighed 122 pounds. They kept him for about 3 days and detoxed him. He came home and had a rough few weeks. Thankfully, though, he has been sober now for 15 months. Please encourage your husband to get the help that he needs. My prayers are with you.
So is it sex addiction, or porn addiction? (sm)
Seems like there is a difference. How would one become a therapist for the stars with sex addiction? LOL.
I know they have nursing/rehab homes that do this - sm
My mom was to go to one to get her strength back, do rehab, etc. when she was sick 2 years go--unfortunately she died before that could happen though. My dad though had requested I go up every weekend to help him out once my mom was home (4 hours away), which I would have done. In your case I think it is pretty nervy of her family to ask you to take on this huge responsibility. They should either arrange for her to go to a good nursing/rehab home to get the care she needs, or if they want her to stay with you (why can't she stay with any of them?) and hire a 24-hour nursing service to take care of her, then fine. I suspect they do not want to pay for anything (they see you as free labor), and as she has no insurance she cannot foot the bill herself. I'd lay out for them what your day is like (full schedule) and how it would be impossible for you to do your job (and keep it) and take care of your MIL at the same time. You can always see if you can go PT and tell them they have to pay you for the difference you would be losing in pay in order to take care of her properly (if you decide to do it); or you take a leave for 3 months and they pay you your full salary, see what the cheap skates say then. Good luck.
with lots of hard work/rehab they can get it back...
My father had a stroke and got everything back but for only 8 months and then had another one which took him out but he lived for another 10 years.
A friend at age 52 had a stroke and she is fine today, not 100% but 90% and works and drives.....
A person's father where I live had a stroke the other day and didn't go to the hospital and I saw him twice since then and he is up and walking around and is 62.
When a stroke occurs, many strokes may follow...and it's ost important to get to the ER ASAP without fail.....the sooner, the better...and in getting function back.....
Hope he gets better real soon......
Bon Jovi anyday - Sambora has a rehab problem
x
Not everyone who goes to a bar is an alcoholic
It's insulting for people to think because you go to a bar/club your an alcoholic. That would be like saying the people who go to church are self-righteous cult members, and then wonder how they married someone who is self-righteous and judgmental of others. Doesn't feel too good does it? I don't go to bars but did when I was younger. I went to meet people (other people who were not alcoholics who also wanted to meet people) I went to bars/clubs because I loved to dance and I did drink but not excessively, maybe 2 or 3 drinks on a Friday or Saturday night or sometimes just a coke with no alcohol, and not every weekend. But I loved to dance and that is mainly why I went. BTW - I met my husband in the service.
I am a recovering alcoholic. Went
to treatment in 1982. Believe me when I say no one admits to alcoholism unless they have a problem. It is a disease of denial, and some deny it all the way to the grave. The first step in recovery is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. Not only is the alcoholic sick, but the whole family because a lot of the time, the family enables the alcoholic to keep on drinking by denying it themselves. Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous can help a lot. In AA, the alcoholic learns how to live sober and learns what to do to change his life, habits, friends, etc. Al-Anon teaches the family how to change what they have been doing. I hope you don't think I am preaching, but I know how it is because I have been there. I do know that if I ever drink again, I won't live because the disease progresses whether we are drinking or not..
Addiction
Ex sister-in-law was addicted to cocaine, and she did incredibly stupid/dangerous things all the time. I am not surprised LL did not get a driver, judgment is totally impaired when you are addicted to coke. That is why she is my EX-sister-in-law
i don't think polite will sink in with an alcoholic.
First be a friend and tell her she really needs help. Encourage AA. Offer to take her there. Then set the boundaries, that she either gets help or needs to find another place to live by such-and-such a date.
if he states he thinks he may be an alcoholic, he is asking for help
nm
Keep that vicious alcoholic out of your home...sm
And tell your husband exactly why. I would leave him if he didn't stand by me in this. This is grossly absurd. If she won't put the plug in the jug, sober up and make amends, she does not deserve to ever see her grandchildren or to set foot in your home.
Electronics addiction
It is real, and my DH has a bad case.
I've been married 20 years. For the first 10 years, with each purchase I always thought he finally had everything and he'd stop trading up. No - it never ends. He does take some things back (and yet always forgets to safe-keep the receipt). He tries to tell me my cheap OTC makeup and $20-clothes are the same thing, but electronics are so expensive and unnecessary to me that it does get annoying that he has such an expensive hobby. It's as if THAT's the reason I'm working - to support his addiction. Sigh.
It's never the end.
HBO series on addiction sm
HBO had an excellent series on addiction.It may be available on the Net someplace. They have what is called the *go* factor in the brain, etc. which stimulates the need for alcohol or drugs. I have attended many different lectures on this and it is very confusing. All I know is that it happens in the very best of families, drugs, alcohol, any feel good addiction can happen to anyone. I have a hard time dealing with it myself since some of my nearest and dearest have problems. All one can do is take good care of themselves and lead by example. This time of year seems to bring it all out - I used to dread Christmas and the loose lips that sink ships, one too many drinkers can ruin a holiday! It's funny in the movies but not in real life, it is a disaster. No one needs to apologize, glad the subject came up, it's a good *remember when* for me. I stopped buying booze several years ago and it is surprising how my guest list has shortened, thank goodness! I feel my life has improved for the better since alcohol is not on my holiday menu. You have to start someplace, why now with your own home sweet home? No more booze served here. A lot of us have walked that walk, it's a tough one.
computer addiction
see below.
Divorcing an alcoholic is not an easy thing to do
First and foremost you need to get him away from your children, sounds like they've been around it too long already. Living under the same roof with an alcoholic during a divorce is not the way to go. I'm one of those children and never understood why it took my mother so long to end it (of course that was years and years ago). Just because he is your children's father doesn't mean he should be around them. Obviously he chooses alcohol over his family. Don't bother trying to make it amicable, just get a good attorney. Half the time your hubby won't show up to court anyway! Good Luck!
cig smoking is EXACTLY like heroin addiction.....
filters cut off for more strength....to answer your question.
I wish someone had stopped me - folks gave permission at a young age....because they were smokers.....I have never quit except in pregnancy....but I quit buying over 3-1/2 months ago, still smoke but ask others for one....and I cut back smoking by 75 percent and THAT's something because I no longer even cough the way I used to, my house smells GREAT (smoking outside only).....and I sound better (because I really am better - health-wise).
It is MOST definitely a drug addiction, as bad as any of them, as addicting as any of them........so the post was right on about *hearing it is as strong as a heroin addiction* - I tell kids today, that's exactly what it is...........................because it is.
My only suggestion is to show her pictures (found online even, just Google the subject/topic/question) of what lungs look like in smokers versus nonsmokre, and then find some head and neck surgical oncology site and start showing her pictures there (I worked in a surgical oncology HEAD AND NECK dept for a few years and what I saw was definitely sickening and yet, I too, still smoke *slaps self*)
My children (due to the fact I used above tactics) - NEVER smoked (thank goodness!!!!).
Best of luck to her and you!!!
to irritated/porn addiction?
Wow, you sure are trusting after seeing such a big change in behavior. I hope you don't get what I got: the greatest guy I could've wanted (good, prominent family, $, respect, the works). I won't fill in all the frills I got, but they were plenty, and I thought I was set. for life. And yes, he did love me dearly.
The thing I came to learn was that he had a porn addiction. It's something I've never experienced, and really hadn't typed about, either. I'm no fool, and had been with plenty of men before him, as we got married later than most, but this was a first for me. In the end it ruined our marriage. My point is that when you see strange things happen, don't poo-poo it. Only you know if something is amiss, and I believe you do. I hope I'm wrong, and I certainly hope you don't have to face what I did. It sickens me to think about the details of all that chapter, but now that we're no longer "one," I know that I can't fix him, and as long as he doesn't acknowledge his problem, he won't, either. Ironically, even now I'd be as supportive as possible if he were to shed the demons that are eroding him to his core, but he'll be the first to tell the world that there's nothing wrong with him.
Just something to think about. I hope you don't end up the way I did. I'm just glad I don't have all that anxiety anymore, and we're actually friends (or something like that).
Good luck.
I was simply stating what my sweet addiction is and what
my not sweet addiction is. 
I agree-cigs worse addiction than pot, like heroin!
.
Ancestry.Com Needs a Surgeon General's Addiction Warning Box
Is to get one of those Ancestry charts online where you put in each person in a family tree. You can then click on 2 people's names and see exactly how they're related to each other.
Does your husband or significant other do this? Just now, at 7:30, my husband came home from sm
playing sports with a friend. After showering he comes downstairs naked and tries to start a conversation with me. My "office" is in the living room and he is standing in back of the couch so I can't see any private parts, just him without his shirt, but I can see enough to know he clearly is naked! I think he wants me to be amused or get turned on or something, but I'm not amused one bit. In fact, I keep working and basically ignore him.
Poor guy. I swear he thinks he's Vince Vaughn or something. I should at least smile at him but all I want to tell him is to put some clothes on! ugh!
My husband is the same way
Something about guys and their cars. I have no kids though and recently married so we still do some of our banking and bills separately by my choice. I thought he was being selfish too. So I got myself a 2nd part time job and I recently went out and bought a newer, bigger, fully loaded SUV and I don't let him use it! lol
My husband and I are doing it right now
and it is working, slowly but surely. After the first couple of things are paid off, its gets better and faster. We have a poster board with all our debt and we redo it every three months, and I must say that you see the debt going away. My hubbie cut all my credit cards up, and I was upset but in the scheme of things, it was the best. We only have one income and its working. Give it a try, I think you'll be surprised that it actually does work. My friend is also doing it, and their debt is disappearing also.
My husband and I did think of it. NM
x
What is your husband's take on that? nm
x
Go for it! I met my husband .....sm
2 months after his wife died from a 3 year bout with cancer and we're very happily married.
Good luck!!!
My husband always tries, although he just
doesn't necessarily have the same taste as me. It is a hit and miss with him, but he always tries. This year we did not exchange gifts (agreed upon ahead of time) because I got a new house and he got a new truck. We concentrated on the kids. The only gripe I really have is that he doesn't do much in the way of getting me gifts from the kids on Mother's Day, and he's not much of a card person, although I am.
He helped me clean all week though, did anything I asked pretty much, cleaned up all day today, etc.
Honestly though, I do not agree with the posts below about making a list. I think that a gift should come from the heart and that some thought should be put into it. Things that I just want, I go get them myself.
My husband and I have 2
roundtrip airfare tickets for anywhere in the US. I'm looking for an all-inclusive resort (room, meals, activities), but am having a hard time finding one. Can you help me out with this? Thanks!
My husband
used this for his leg pain due to fibromyalgia but had a very bad reaction to it so was not able to continue to use it. He found a natural supplement online that has helped. Best of luck!!
So, you would be okay with your husband
nm
This is what my husband (sm)
told me last night. I really hope that isn't what is going on. I am going to talk to her again about it again today. She has a cell phone (very near and dear to her heart!) I like for her to have it, so that I know she is okay when she isn't home, but since I now know that she is still smoking, I think I have very good reason to ground her. Hence, she won't be needing the cell phone.
Thanks for the input everyone.
My husband only uses
regular lotion, but he does like to take baths sometimes. He was glad when we moved and got a garden tub so he could soak. He doesn't go out of his way to use bubbles, but he will take one with me with bubbles.
Met my first husband when I was 5, LOL - sm
First crush was Greg. I met him when I was 5. We played together at church. We started "going together" when I was 13. We got married when I was 18. We got divorced when I was 32. Tried again several times. Finally called it quits when I was 37...sigh.
Then there was Stacy....we were together for two years.
Then there is Tommy, we have been together for three years - married for two years.
My husband was the one who
donated the sperm and had it washed, the doctor performed the IUI, and nature created twins. It was a WE effort in my case.
This is your husband
If there's one person in the world you should be honest with, it's your husband. Don't lie about this, this is BIG...just explain to him your feelings and if he loves you and you love him, you can work it out and make both of you happy. But lying WILL come back to bite you in the a$$...trust me, I know...good luck!
My husband was gay
We've been divorced for a while now, but it still hurts like crazy. I don't know anyone who has been through this. Is there anyone out there who's spouse came out to them?
My husband did!
He had to have surgery because otherwise the muscles would have atrophied. Because lifting was required for his job, he was out on disability for 4 months. However, soon afterward a radiologist I knew had it done, and he only took 1 day off and then was back at work, not complaining, and not taking strong pain killers. My hubby is a big guy, and it was hard on him, but he's able to work fine now. He has also had cervical spinal fusion, and the rotator cuff was worse for him, oddly enough.
Husband and I have dog and cat instead!
Kids...no thank you! Decided at around 12-13 or so that I didn't want any. I'm 30 now and haven't changed my mind and don't plan to.
I AM SO MAD AT HUSBAND
I am so mad with this man. Last night he made a comment that all I have to do on my job is sit on my A_ _ and stare at a computer screen. He thinks this job is cushy. I transcribe every foreign doctor known to man for 8-10 hours 5-6 days a week, achieve OVER my line counts and bring home more money than he does and I work from home. What in the world does he think gives him the right to talk down to me? Even though I love it, this is one of the most taxing jobs I have ever had in my life. The mental drain is incomprehensible at times. I was so mad when he came up with that, I would have thrown him out if he would have had anywhere else to go!
mad at husband
Do what I do..i put him in my chair with my own keyboard, a set of headphones and told him i would be back in 30 minutes. And I gave him one of my best enunciating docs to boot. Needless to say....no more sit on my a** comments any more. I put the son in the chair too. Good luck.
Which one, the husband or dog?
He, he!
What do you do when your husband says
He does not love you anymore after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids? He left once about 3 years ago, but came back saying he missed us and loved me and that he was just going through a tough time and he knew he was making a bad choice. I thought we were okay, not smart of me, then he started getting distant and grumpy all the time again, and he told me last night that he tried really hard these last 3 years, mostly for our kids sake and because he cares about me and does not want to leave me high and dry, but he does not love me and is not happy with me. He says we have nothing in common anymore, which we really didn't in the first place, but it was okay until recently.
I don't know what to do. All 3 kids are extremely close to their dad, and he loves them so much, but I feel I should move to where my parents are (next town 20 miles away) but it will be harder for him to see them and also rent is so much higher for housing there. I just feel like I want to be closer to my family because here, I have NO ONE. I moved here because it was his hometown and he was happy. I also have the kids in preschool here, again cheaper than in the town I want to go to. My son will be in first grade and needs speech therapy for developmental delay and I like the people who have been working with him as they know his history. Am I being selfish wanting to take them away from here? I am lost and don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. 
What do you do when husband...
Ditto totally trose. Permanently CLOSE his door except when dealing with/talking about children. Work hard at your job, totally concentrate on YOUR life and family. God is your refuge..will keep you safe and won't lead you wrong. You are strong (else you wouldn't be an mtmomof3) ... you can do this. Will remember you in my prayers.
husband
he sounds like a pig... i say move on
My husband will be right over! LOL!
xx
Is my husband
Because I think we are married to the same guy. Here's my rule: I don't tell him everything, but when asked, I tell the truth. Except when I buy my son an $80 pair of shoes, I shave a few bucks off. Other than that I tell the truth. I know how you feel though. When he comes home if I hear squealing tires on the driveway or the door slams just right, I think, "Uh-oh. What did I do now?"
Is there anyone who has a husband...
like mine...he is an adult and acts like one, he respects what I do for a living, thanks me for working as hard as I do, would never expect me to do everything around the house without him helping out, and is generally a fabulous guy. Sounds like a lot of women are married to self-centered whiners who think THEIR job is the important one. I truly am blessed!
My husband...
I was going to post something similar to this...reading these threads about jerk husbands makes me sooo very grateful for mine. He's handsome, sexy, funny...works doggone hard for us so I can work PT, and still helps around the house in the evenings after work. Guess that's why I've kept him for 20 years---today!!! 
Oh, did I mention he's the bestest dad ever (as our DS puts it)...I could go on and on, but I won't...I am sorry for those who are not blessed with a wonderful man, it truly is a gift!
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