My heart goes out to you and your children - I wish I had some really good advice to give you; I
Posted By: woofer on 2009-02-12
In Reply to: Are you the same person who - tough times
understand your situation. I remember as a child how my mom would exhibit similar behavior, especially when she did not get her "way". I will never forget how it made me feel, and to this day I personally despise those who use manipulative destructive behavior to get whatever they think they want from others. For the sake of your sanity and that of your children - please find the strength to get this man out of your life. Children are very perceptive, even when we are doing our level best to protect them from situations such as this. God has not forsaken you or your children and neither have the majority of us on this board. I don't want to come across as being sappy but even though I don't know you, I love you because you are my sister in the eyes of God, and I will be praying for you and your children. You are all your children have and you are much stronger than you realize. I wish you peace and prayer in this troubling time in your life.
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You ladies all know so much and give such good advice, that I will ask here. sm
My daughter's room has been painted and now the expensive custom made draperies that were in the room no longer "match" the room color. I wonder if there is a place I can take them to have then "painted" or dyed to match. Any suggestions? Thanks!
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost children (sm)
Your stories probably inspire others to go on.
Need advice on a good, adjustable chair for typing. Any advice? nm
nm
flu in children advice please
I or my children have never been diagnosed with the flu so I do not know what it is. My 9 year old son has severe environmental allergies and takes allergy shots. So, when he started coughing and running a fever of 101 this weekend I thought he was just getting a URI or sinus infection. Then he threw up late last night...and this morning. My question is..does the flu start out as like coughing/sneezing/watery eyes then progress to the vomiting? He hasn't had body aches at all.
tia
you are exactly the kind of mother children give a rat's ass about
when they are grown! Why should they help you when you are old and crippled, when YOU did NOT give them a helping hand when they needed it?
Maybe once you will remember what I wrote.
Can't give you any advice of keeping plants alive, I'm
lucky my children are still living. LOL!
So excited, new digs at home, anyone ever have a designer to give advice on how to place furniture?
I am just so excited can hardly type. I am getting new tile throughout my home, well the living room/dining room big room and then slate for my master bath and carpeting for my master bedroom. My question is has anyone ever had a designer or room coordinator may be the name to come to their home and tell them how to arrange furniture and items in their room? I have never been satisfied with my living room. I have 2 full size leather sofas, an oversized chair, several floor lamps and I have end tables with wrought iron legs. I have some decorations but if you have this done do they want you to buy other things in case you need to put more color in the room, say for instance a throw, new floral arrangement, and the like. Sure would like to hear from anyone who has gone through this. All this tile work starting next week and should last about a week and a half.
Very good advice
In addition, get out of the situation now, and don't even consider going back until he has been sober at least a year. He won't change until he is ready to. There is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - that you can do about that, except say, "Honey, I love you, but I can't live with you while you're drinking. When you get clean and sober, we'll talk."
Don't worry about what your coworkers think of you, or even what friends and family think. This is YOUR life, and you have to deal with it as you see fit. They are not walking in your shoes. They don't know what you are going through. By staying an "enabling" your husband to continue in his present behavior, you are doint the wrong thing for you and for him. By leaving, you will at least get yourself out of the situation, and hopefully once your husband figures out you're really not coming back, it will be enough of a shock for him to rethink what he is doing with his life.
But regardless - GET OUT, as soon as possible. Yes, you will be lonely. Yes, you will be sad. But it is the RIGHT thing to do.
Hang in there and best of luck to you.
Good advice
Yours is the best advice I have seen so far. If it is not critical (and hopefully she knows if it is or isn't) maybe she can just save a little money in case it gets critical and she needs to move her teepee to a new village. I think what I read about the church guy is scary (he sounds like a creep) and her husband even scarier. Blocking the door is a form of control, but is subtle in comparison to some forms of control. Having known women who have been severely injured and worse because they kept going back or remaining in a marriage that endangered their wellbeing, I think she needs to seriously address this problem for her sake and the sake of her children and she needs professional help and assistance in doing this. They can help her assess her individual situation and any lethal behavior issues. I wish her good luck and I hope she takes your advice first, just in case, while she pursues her options.
That is good advice, but may I also add...
There is a government-sponsored (I think) credit counseling system that will help you for free. I am not sure what it is called, but I am sure you could Google it. It is legit. I had a family friend who was way behind and used a company that he paid. As the other poster said, they just paid all his bills as a lump sum and they kept paying them late as a lump sum or not paying them at all. So, I suggest the free one...worth a try anyway.
Good luck!
Good advice! nm
xx
Thanks - good advice - sm
I am being very careful - he knows nothing about me - not even my real name is on my email address. I will not allow him to contact me by phone or any way other than through this anonymous email address. I had not thought about the fact that he might be lying!! I had thought about him being mentally ill or at least not in a normal state of mind presently. But I will not under any circumstances give him any info about myself. thanks for the reminder
Good advice! sm
Thanks! 
Thank you so much for the good advice.
Something we have not discussed is the committment one takes on with a pet. I know she feels like I do, that pets are "kids" and treated as a true family member. I think that might be the key that will fit in this scenario. She brings up these discussions as "news" of his condition arises, not me pushing it on her.
She did have to make this decision with a childhood pet and it was not a difficult decision for my mom, but that was before her other losses. I feel that this is more about her feelings than the dog. Thank you for recognizing that this is not about me wanting to push her into a decision but it is about wanting to help her through what I know is a difficult decision and the loss after but something that is inevitably coming. I have offered to come and do it for her or with her and my sister has done the same.
Thank you for the advice anon. Hopefully after the holidays pass I will have another opportunity to discuss this with her and approach it in this manner.
Very good advice -
When I picked her up from school today, she made it a point to tell her father and me how grateful she is that we have always worked at home so she's felt safe. She also said she spent first period crying this morning because her friend's father had cried in front of her friend for the first time in her life. It's such a tough time.
That is good advice, but we tried
that last year. I mentioned below about my son with Asperger's being bullied at school. We asked for my husband and me to be able to take turns going to school with him until he could work his way out of the EBD class he had been inappropriately placed in (this was part of the bullying of us by the school that I mentioned). The Assistant Principal of Special Education would not allow us to do that. She said it would be too much of a distraction to the other students. I think that, at least in part, they are trying to keep a parent from babying their children too much, which may be appropriate in some situations, but in ours, where my son was being bullied in a classroom of emotionally and behaviorally disordered children and the teachers were doing nothing, I think we should have been allowed to attend with him and I think her excuse was just that, an excuse. These children, to our understanding, would be in general education classes but for some outside influence (divorce, poor family situation, death of someone close to them, etc.) that has caused them to begin "acting out" and behaving badly. They saw my son's reactions to their taunting, and it made it all the more fun to taunt him. The way the class was structured, it would have taken 25 consecutive positive school days to get out of the class, and we were willing to use all of my husband's paid time off and I would have worked at night or whatever it took, but they just would not allow us to go to school with them. We really were at their mercy, and they had none.
thanks for all the good advice...
I didn't know that about financing the land. Guess I figured I could get a 30 year mortgage. It is getting very hard to even get a loan now for a house plus I too have a house that will be hard to sell. Unemployment in our little town is about 18 percent and getting worse daily it seems. Good advice too about the high speed internet. I see a lot of satellite dishes on the homes already built in the area.
Thank you for all of the good advice...
It means a lot. I will pass all of the information on to her. I feel a little helpless as I live over 7 hours away from her. I felt horrible when my Mom called and told me my sister's fiance might not make it. He is only 29. They are way too young to have to go through this. I am hoping his family will be supportive. Part of the reason I had no problem moving away is our parents were never very supportive. Although they weren't alcoholics, my sister has always ended up getting involved with someone who was.
My sister and I have different fathers and were both raised by our Mom and her Dad (my stepdad). My Dad, who was an alcoholic, only contacted me when he was clean for quite a while. He said it was his close brush with death that made him turn things around and want to get to know me. I was 21 at the time he contacted me, and I was 26 when he passed. I was really happy and proud that he was able to turn his life around. While he always worked, he was eventually able to buy a nice house, but sadly he only was able to enjoy everything for a short time. Everyday I wish he could be here because after I got to know him, he was always there for me. It might sound mean to the parents who raised me, but my Dad actually helped me more and was more supportive than my parents ever were.
Well, time to go back to work. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice. I'll let you know how everything goes. I guess he had a liver biopsy today. I don't really know her fiance very well as she became involved with him after I moved away, but something that has crossed my mind is I am afraid of how he might be when she won't run to the store for him anymore to get his gin or whatever else. I told her if that happens to make sure she leaves. I have never dated an alcoholic, but I have always ended up in abusive relationships, and I'm afraid that hers might turn this way, also.
I would like to take you by your shoulders and give you a good
shaking. You don't realize your life is passing you by and you are settling. I know because I am in the golden years now but I wasted so much time and energy on, well nothing actually. There are so many men out there, 1 that can love you and not irritate the h... out of you, a person who cares about you and puts you first. I only wish I had met my husband now and not wasting so many good years.
Good advice - second opinion
Getting a non-military second opinion is a good piece of advice. Ask the docs or nurses at your infirmary or base hospital who they would go to or send their spouse to and make the appointment and go to them. She could have a-fib as well and feel like a dish rag. Godalmighty, everyone wants to cut!!
Good advice. Wish we could trust everyone. . . NM
xx
Good advice. As my sister says sm
Why is it some people think their dogs are just oddly shaped humans?
We had a lab cross puppy from about 7 weeks to about 4 months. My daughter just brought her home one day and we knew we weren't going to keep her because we are moving in a few months. We did take the time to crate train her, potty train her, etc., etc. With a lot of patience a ton of praise, yet a firm voice and boundaries, she turned out to be great pup. She was pretty hyper, but listened well and was very eager to please and she needed constant supervision. We thought we finally found the perfect family for her. The first thing the new family told me, as they were leaving with her, was they thought it was cruel to crate the dog at night and told me they chose not to. Big red flag! :)
Three days after the family took her they called me and wanted me to take her back. I was accused of misleading them because the dog was not listening to them and was tearing their house apart and having accidents everywhere. They let her have free run of the house and then locked her in a small room while they went to work all day with nobody to check on her. I mean, what did they expect? I told them specifically what she was used to right down to what time she went to bed in her crate at night and what time I let her out in the morning and they went completely against everything I told them and couldn't understand why she was such a bad dog. And they only gave it THREE days! 
Very good advice, "tired". sm
I don't think I could be that good a person. I'd get rid of all of them and let that be that. :D
Good advice for your daughters.
Hi XXX: Read all your posts with Mom with girls. Basically I agree with most everything you say. I too took my daughter to Family Planning Clinic, where she was given BC pills. I told her the facts of life and warned her about consequences of getting pregnant or some diseases too. I left the decision up to her and the responsibility of taking the pills. She was 18 at that time and already graduated from high school, so legally an adult. She did become pregnant at 18 and went through pregnancy and gave birth, but not married. The father came along and helped with money to raise his child. They did have a stormy time of it, but now they are 31 and 30 with 3 more children. She was lucky because her husband is very responsible now, building contractor and very good father. he absolutely loves his children, so my daughter was very lucky. Of course we know that not all girls have a happy ending to their story.
All you can do as a mother is to support your children, give them guidance and proper moral standards that hopefully they will live by. I have really tried very hard to not be judgmental or to criticize when the problems came. I think that is probably the worse thing to do to your kids. After all we all make mistakes. Of course it is easier to give advice than the actual practicing of this advice. Whatever happens to your kids, try to stand by them and love them.
yes, this is good advice: It is cheaper to go to the
supermarket and buy the cheap stuff on sale, then plan what to cook and buy the additiional necessities.
Give me 3 good reasons why you women put up with sm
this nonsense, and no fair naming children. Why in the world would you choose to live like this with these neanderthal men? Believe me, alone is so much better. At least then you have choices. and the children you are raising are actually children, not grown me.
more advice - you'll be no good to those kids if
I was there - for 12 years - and my sanity was going - married to a passive-aggressive (oh and there are female passive-aggressives out there too *hint hint - his MIL*).....and I couldn't take it - when my child was 7.....and by 9, I cared more at that moment about what I was feeling (brink of possible loss of sanity/stability in myself) - and I chose to save myself - I, once again in life, became my own hero (I did the same at 17-18 when I chose to leave a shaky home)....I knew that I'd be an even BETTER mom if I didn't have him draining on me - and so it became!! My offspring is nearly 27 and turned out great (no thanks to the DH and my D there isn't for DEAR but lots of other D's).....
Save yourself or your children will NOT be getting your absolute BEST.....
best of luck to you sincerely!!!
Signed: Better to raise kids in a happy divorced family/house than a miserably married one......
Some good advice, but mine is much simpler....
Stay away from the ones that have children!!! ; )
Very good advice. I stayed for the sake SM
of my daughter, until she finished high school. I don't regret it and I'm very happy now, but I'm older. Women today tend to end things and I honestly don't think that is especially bad.
Good advice, Southern Belle. nm
xx
Good idea - I hate that children suffer (sm)
Because of their parents' behavior. If I just give them food at least I know the kids can eat!
my vet told me shitzu's and pugs are very good with children.
.
it is hard plastic, good suggestion, will give it a try, NM
z
Good Advice (new to board, so hope this is the right place)
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday.
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company. Maybe we should all take some of his advice!
1. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED".
2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.
3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!). You can add it if it is necessary but, if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc..
Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know.
5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll-free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.
6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc. were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important of all (I never even thought to do this.).
7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.
Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., has been stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union : 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything.
If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone.
Good grief, lost of people get married and don't have children nm
Z
Time for a long, uninterrupted heart to heart. Sorry to hear
s
Good advice. In this economy, lay low. Sounds like a PT job may be in order to increase income. (
dd
A wise old sage said: Beans, beans, are good for the heart ....
(you know the rest!) :)
A lot of people are so desperate for work that some will give you free bids and give you ideas while
nm
Good advice was given here. Suggest vet check-up for kitty needs vet check. sm
I've had 2 females over the years who developed stones/crystals in urine or UTIs. Both of them started spraying inappropriately. Never had a female spray inappropriately other than in these instances. They go into spasm and can't help themselves. If it is a urinary problem, eventually you may see slight pink-tinged spray if it gets that far untreated due to the irritation from constantly trying to pee. One more thought is if the kitty is not sick, maybe the other cat won't let her use the litter box for some reason. Maybe set up another box for her.
Children having children not a new thing, where do you live?
My son, who is now in his early 40s, told me years ago when in high school about all the teenage mothers that were at his school and said they brought the babies to school, and he seemed to think it was like the girls having playdolls like when you were little. This is not new and apparently folks think alright to have their children sans marriage, be it preteens, teens or adults. I guess my years alone do not make me shocked at anything anymore. Others talk about this job being isolated and your post says some of this if you were shocked at what the son said.
I should mention that I am 42, have 2 children and done with having children. nm
nm
You must a) not have children or b) your children are young
I don’t see them as being spoiled- I see lots of kids in the age group of one (30+) who are totally in the me scene, not just the 1 I have- she married and her husband same - a me type person. The other not spoiled but just got nasty when he did not get the money left to me and he thought he should. Just to think, this was my chosen 1 if I had to choose. Oh well, live and let live is the way I see things now.
You do not give them food, you give
the children food but if they did not have the food to eat, probably would call family and children services. I do NOT give away money to anyone.
I think that is entirely up to you. I wish I had followed my heart on that one - sm.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, I worked in a hospital and my co-workers kept telling me don't tell anybody until you know for sure nothing is going to happen and until you start to show. Then everyone said to not buy anything for the baby until you are past 6 months. For the record, I NEVER did start to show, my baby was born at 27 weeks. I bought my baby bed on Friday, and he was born on Sunday. He lived 3 weeks and 6 days. Since his death, I went on to have three more children, and I told the whole world as soon as I knew, and we celebrated from day one. So....please follow your heart.
More so than heart, seems to be
the ribs. I am gonna tell them they have to get to the bottom. Just pain medicine alone not doing it.
My heart goes out to you
and your daughter. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, as right now my first cat I ever had is suffering from cancer. She is getting so skinny and I know it won't be long before we have to put her down. It makes me cry every time I look at her. She had surgery, but the cancer is already back, so there's nothing else to do for her. That has to be the worst thing about having pets, having to say goodbye. Just keep the memories in your heart and know that you gave her a wonderful life.
Thank you, and my heart wants
to bring in another, but the timing isn't right with me in school and expenses tight after all the vet bills. Besides, Sasha seems to enjoy being the center of attention. I'm thankful we still have her.
my heart goes out to you.
What it means (IMO) is at the least that he has a short fuse, no control of his tongue and not much opinion of himself. Its probably hard for him to hold you or anyone one else in high esteem because he thinks so little of himself. There's no doubt more at play too, but this behavior doesn't mean he hates you. I've been in this similar environment. Learn to love and respect yourself enough that those kind of comments don't devastate you. It takes time and effort. A person of this kind needs to change from the inside out. How long have you been married? I can't help but wonder if there is anything spiritual that you share with him. You can't change him, so concentrate on what you can change (yourself, your means of coping, how you treat your job, relationship etc). It's hard not to be depressed in these situations. I'm sorry he hasn't learned to appreciate you. Stay safe. There are people who care about you! e/m me if you like.
I am so very sorry, my heart is with you.
Sending all kinds of warm fuzzies to you. So sorry this is happening and you have to go through it. Please do one thing. Look in the phone book when he is around BTW for the local domestic violence hotline. It is an 800 number, it is confidential, and you don't even have to give your name. Tell them these stories. They are open 24/7 just to listen. They will make you feel better. Also, please make sure you are safe. Keep a cell phone with you at all times, and your important papers and the childrens' all in one place in case you need them. Do not let him know any of this at all. Also if you don't have your own bank account open one just for you and the children. Dont let him know. Also, please have a safe place to go. The hotline will describe all these things to you. They also will suggest a local center you can go just to talk someone, as often as you would like to go for free. He does not have to know that either. I am not saying this so that you should be secretive. I am saying so that it will not trigger his anger and the circle of control. Like I said, stay safe, call that hotline ASAP and listen to them and the outpatient counselor. I have been through it. You need people to love you and make you feel worthwhile again and soon you will have the strength to see why this is happening and how to stop it. Please call them and let us know here you are okay.
My heart goes out to you . .
and your husband. Best to get professional care as soon as possible. Get to the PCP and then a thorough workup and mental assessment. This could be any number of things - stress, a medical condition, a mental condition. Just the other day I read something that was fascinating. I read about a woman who was having trouble with her husband who was 60. His behavior was getting odd, and strange. After much workup he was diagnosed as having Asperger's, this coming after a full functioning life. I found this quite interesting. Get help and keep us posted. You are in my prayers.
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