My child has been on both sides of that fence (sm)

He has been bullied before but he has gotten really good at standing up for himself.  I literally have given him comebacks that he can use if he is being verbally bullied, and have told him that while he is never allowed to start a fight he is always allowed to defend himself and even though he may get in trouble at school, he will not be in trouble at home.

One time last year (fifth grade) he was verbally bullying a boy in his class.  He said some pretty mean things.  I got the phone number to the boy's house through a mutual friend, called, and then too my son to the boy's house to apologize in person, in front of the boy's parents.  We talked for a long time beforehand about how the boy must feel to have to go to school and have someone say things like that to him, role-playing such as "how would you feel if that was you" sort of thing. He also lost computer priveleges for a week.  He has never bullied anyone else.

However, he did kick a boy in the shin earlier this year when the boy hit him and said he was going to beat him up.  My son is strong but doesn't like to fight.  I think all kids should be able defend themselves if needed though.

• Bullying...your kids - SpinOff
  • Bullying - Sara
    • My child has been on both sides of that fence (sm) - MeMT
      • Bullying - lom

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When I landed at our place in 2002, I quickly learned I HAD to put up a privacy fence for the safety of my animals as well as the safety of the little kids who visit their grandparents next door, because I found them once too often in the pasture trying to pet the animals, and a hoof to their forheads would have been a very bad thing.

I went to Home Depot and quickly got discouraged at not only the cost of doing it yourself, but the labor and tools required.  I live in New England and the ground is 90% ROCK...try digging a post hole through THAT and have fence posts spaced out appropriately...ain't gonna happen.

So, I called a fence place that was in the phone book.  They came over FOR FREE, measured out what I wanted, sat down with me and a book and showed me what was available, gave me costs, and said "call us when your're ready." 

You bet your bippie I went with the fencing company.  They had 274 feet of 6' cedar privacy fence completely installed in ONE DAY for under $4000 (back in 2003).  They had the guys, the knowhow, and the proper equipment.  I had to go with metal pipes instead of wood poles because our ground is so wet and rocky, and I thought it would be ugly, but it has worked out absolutely wonderfully.  I haven't painted or stained it either, just let it turn that pretty gray that cedar does.

You can see some pictures of it on my website here:
http://www.perin.org/images/specialnelliewinta.jpg 
http://www.perin.org/Webpics/slides/Frogs%20yum.html

Best investment ever...not only for the safety factor, but also for the privacy, as you can see from the photos, even though we have lots-o-land, the neighbors were just too darned close.  Grab your phone book, look up fence installation companies, and at least get those free estimates.    

Can anyone please point me in the right direction as to how to go about installing a secondary fence/barrier in my yard, what material is best to use, etc.

 My husband and I are trying to avoid spending money we don't have on getting a privacy fence just because our neighbors are idiots and don't feel the need to adhere to the rule of not letting the dogs out at the same time.  We have been in our home for 3yrs now and our dogs have never gotten along. Granted they were here first (as my husband says), but I could care less because our dogs have just aabout that They are rather large dogs, we have two and they have three.  Trying to break the fighting up when it happens is fraught with failure because when they get going its like trying to stop a moving train!

Unfortunately, neither side has the time nor energy to re-train the dogs, so I figure a secondary fence is in order due to the fact that there is already an existing 6ft chain link fence up.  The fence does not belong to us and the neighbors have not taken the initiative to tweak the fence with slats, so it is now left up to us to figure out.  I read that a secondary fence to that portion of the yard is the cheapest, non-permanant thing we could do to solve this problem. 

First of all I think there's another option that neither you or your sister are seeing, home health aide.  Look into it re: insurance etc.  I can see where both of you are coming from.  I don't know your sister's financial situation or how far she has to drive to see your father.  I think that she probably feels she is working hard to earn her paid time off but if she has to use it all to take "everybody" to the doctor what will happen if she needs to go to the doctor herself or wants to take time off for a vacation or mental health day.  You have to admit she has a point. 

My advice would be not to alienate your sister.  You are going to have to work together to take care of your father.  I would arrange a time for both of you to sit with your father and lay out the facts.  With little to no eyesight, he simply cannot live completely independently any longer.  If he wants to stay at home then either hire a home health aide or a live-in caregiver or one of you would have to move in with him.  Avoid the word nursing home and instead suggest an independent living facility where there is assistance with daily activities such as preparing meals.  Be open and honest with each other.  You have your own separate lives and not only do you not want your father to feel like he is a burden, you also do not want to feel burdened.  With the cost of gas these days, your sister certainly has a valid point.  As far as her popping to Wal-Mart and the mall, she could have perfectly viable reasons for going to Wal-Mart including grocery shopping or perhaps purchasing your father's medications there on their $4 plan.  The mall may be her escape mechanism. 

You both sound stressed out over this situation and you both need to take care of yourselves first and foremost before you can be expected to care for someone else.  Good luck to both of you and remember that you both love each other and your father and only want the best for everyone.

I have 3 boys.  My oldest son is very giving and caring (sounds like your daughter).  He's been bullied a few times.  Different responses apply to each individual bully.  Some bullies can be dealt with best by the school or their parents.  These are usually the kids who come from good homes and their parents don't always know what happens when they're not around.  I generally deal with the parents if they're level-headed.  If not, I go straight to the school. 

Other bullies come from parents who don't give a darn what they do.  These kids are the hardest to deal with.  I have had to face these bullies myself.  I flat out told them if they continue to pick on my son or bully him, I will call the police and they will be dealt with as a juvenile deliquent.  This seemed to stop things pretty quick.  I also followed that up with the letting school know what was going on because I had a feeling the child might pick on my son when I'm not there.  The school was great about this and were well aware of this bully's behavior.  It alerted them to keep a closer watch on my son at recess when this kid was around. 

The other side of the fence is my 7-year-old son.  I had gotten a call from his teacher early in the school year that he was bullying a couple of smaller kids.  My son had a late birthday, so I held him for kindergarten, making him a year older than most of his peers.  There didn't seem to be any problem in kindergarten, but by first grade, he realized that he was bigger than most and could use this to his advantage.  From that first call I got from his teacher, I made it very clear to him that I would not tolerate bullying from him.  I also told him the school would be watching him and if I hear any reports of him bullying others, I would punish him at home as well.  Other than a few minor kid things, he's been pretty great.  I even explained to him that because he was bigger than the little kids, he needed to protect them and watch over them like a big brother.  He's come home a couple of times and told me how some older kids were picking on his friends and he stepped up and told them to knock it off.  I was very proud of him and needless to say, he has a lot of "girlfriends" now. 

My point here is that not all parents know what their kids are like outside of the home.  It's very possible this girl's mother had no idea.  Unfortunately, she was already hurt and angry when you talked to her and it probably didn't help things.  I would suggest sticking with the teacher from now on with this one, and in the future, bring any problems immediately to the teacher's attention or the parents (depending on their temperament and how well you know them).  Most importantly, I have also taught my children to stand up for themselves, use a firm voice, but walk away if it's just words and we'll deal with it together.  The only time I allow my children to hit is if they're being physically hit and the other child won't stop.  Our school has a zero tolerance for fighting, and it just wouldn't be worth getting expelled otherwise. 

Hang in there.  She's only 8 -- the really bullying starts in the teen years (I'm remembering mine), not being popular enough or having money or wearing cool clothes or being too smart or not thin enough.  It goes on and on.  In that case, I'm glad I have boys.  They get less catty as they get older (I hope).

sore because my jaw clamps down on my tongue and sores on my cheeks from biting them.  I would also have an aching jaw for weeks at a time that required mountains of Motrin and muscle relaxers.  I finally went to the dentist and now have an acrylic mouthguard I wear at night.  I hated it at first, but boy does my jaw feel better.  No more aching, no more trouble chewing, no more sores on my cheeks and tongue!  Cost me $300 for the mouthguard cause my insurance wouldn't pay, but it was worth every penny!

Go to your dentist!

(This turned out long.  Please stick with me.)

Like your son, it started in infancy.  He could throw a fit that could go on for 30 minutes.  If it was related to going to sleep, he would cry for hours no matter what I tried.  (Yes, i did have him ruled out for medical causes.)  He just could not calm himself down and he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it.  It started to feel like a war zone and the other kids were not getting the attention they needed because I felt like I had to deal with his bad behavior all the time.

When he was very young (infancy to about 3 years old), I would let him throw his fits and try to ignore them.  After about 30 minutes, I picked him up and rocked him and he always seemed to be relieved and would start to calm down.  I did not give into his demands.  It just was a way for him to know that I loved him even when he acted bad.

But you know what... A few months ago (he is 5 now), he was acting up yet again and I tried to talk to him.  I told him that I knew he was a good boy and that he was just having a hard time with his anger.  He was totally blown away that I thought he was a "good boy."  In his head, he thought he was bad.  This was an eye opener for me.

Because I had my own issues with frustration, I decided to work on me first.  I was sick of the war zone.  That is still a work in progress, but I feel a lot more calm when dealing with him now.

I explain things to him up front.  If we are going to a store, I tell him that I expect him to stand still by me.  If he wants to look at something, he can ask me, etc.  Then I ask him what he thinks the consequence will be if he does not mind.  Sometimes he answers, sometimes not.  Then, I tell him exactly what will happen.  No favorite TV channel or no playing with a favorite toy, something like that.  Just so he knew exactly what would happen if he makes certain CHOICES.  I also don't argue.  It only gets me wound up.  I put the onus back on him.  Counting 1...2...3 gives him a warning to change his behavior or deal with consequences.

I also communicate a lot about other's people reactions to when he "acts good" and "acts bad."  How the things that happen to him are often influenced by his CHOICES.   "Other children may not want to play with someone who ...only wants their way ... does not share ... hits."  "If you share your toy, your friend probably want to share his toys with you."

I praise him when I notice he has done something "good", like brushing his teeth without being reminded.  I tell how much I appreciate it (Because I do.  When you have 3 kids, its a really help when they can do something for themselves.) Someone knowledgeable told me the ratio of praise to discipline is 4:1.  I doubt that I hit that ratio, but I do look for things my kids do right.

None of this is easy for me.  I feel like I am talking myself blue in the face.  I am naturally quiet and not always willing to communicate verbally.  I'm praying the more I communicate now, then eventually I won't have to talk so much later.  Or at least, we can talk about more pleasant things.

I will say though that my son is starting to understand that he will not always get his way, and if he cooperates with me, I am willing to cooperate with him.  There has been good improvement since I started with this in April.