My 16-year-old daughter smoking
Posted By: KC on 2007-02-15
In Reply to:
I have known for about a year that my daughter has been smoking from time to time. I made it very clear to her that this was very unacceptable and absolutely would not be tolerated.
Apparently she has done a very good job at hiding it. Tonight when I was putting socks into her sock drawer, for some reason I decided to push aside her socks and, of course, I found a cigarette, but the filter had been cut off. I also saw several filters that had been cut off in her drawer. I asked her about it a little bit ago and naturally she stormed upstairs and wouldn't discuss it with me. This may sound incredibly naive, but I really don't know why the filters were cut off? Maybe to make the cigarette stronger? This thought makes me sick to my stomach.
I am at a loss here. She is a pretty good girl, an honor roll student, has lots of friends, but still loves to spend time with her family. I have grounded her in the past for this, but apparently that didn't get my point across. I would love to hear from parents with teenagers who have been through this before and have suggestions on how to deal with this. Also, I'm almost afraid to ask, but any ideas why the filters were cut off the cigarettes?
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My 16 year old daughter - sm
says that kids often way exaggerate on these places, especially about threatening suicide. That doesn't mean that some of them aren't serious, but probably the majority of them are looking for the drama.
So, while it probably wasn't a "joke" per se, it's also probably not nearly as scary as it sounds. She did the same kind of post at age 14 that I carried around with me while watching for other signs, but her grades stayed up, she showed no signs of cutting off her friends, etc. Just normal teen highs and lows, and time passed and so did that.
My point - Take a breath, calm your nerves, and just be watchful. It'll probably just turn out to be another phase.
16-year-old daughter - need help from all who have gone through this
Just found out that my 16-year-old, good kid, honor student, has been leading a double life for the past two years. I found out through some snooping and confronted her. She fessed up to drinking and smoking but swears no drugs. The times that I thought she was sleeping over at the house of her friends that I knew, she was apparently sleeping at random places with a bunch of other kids that I don't even know, as she feels that this is completely appropriate and was "doing nothing wrong". She swears she has not had sex. She apparently has a lot of guy friends and most of them I don't even know and did not even know existed.
She feels that now that she has come clean, I should be okay with this whole situation and allow her to continue to live her lifestyle that she simply "loves and is unwilling to give up". We have been fighting daily. I have not told her father about this, because he is "european" and would definitely come down hard on her and I don't even know what he would do. She tells me that she will definitely leave if I tell him.
She demands one day a week that she can sleep out whereever she pleases and I should be okay with that. I am not. I am at my wits end. She swears she will leave if I "don't leave her alone".
My rules are simple:
1. Home by curfew (11:30 friday and saturday) and 10 weeknights in the summer (but I don't feel she needs to go out every night and she disagrees).
2. I no longer let her take the care whenever she wants, as I don't trust her.
3. She can socialize with her friends and I will pick her up and drive her within reasonable distance close to home.
4. I can even learn to live with the drinking, as long as she gets home safe by my picking her up or having a safe ride home.
5. I don't want her sleeping out any more.
She is fighting me tooth and nail and is swearing she will leave the house if I don't "leave her alone".
We used to get along so well or so I thought, and now I find out she is a complete stranger and not at all the daughter I thought I had.
I am so depressed and don't know what to do. I don't want to have to tell my husband, but she is leaving me no choice but I am scared to death that she will leave. The worst part is that she knows my fear and is using it to get to me.
I desperately need some good sound advice.
Thanks and sorry so long.
I have a 13-year-old daughter myself
And as long as it was during the day, I was home, and she stayed where I could see them I wouldn't have a problem with the boys being at the house.
As for the pizza, trust your gut. I do let my daughter go to the pizza place in our town, but we live in a very small town, and I only let her go with her brothers (14&15) or with another girlfriend and I put a time limit on it.
It is something that girls her age are allowed to do, unfortunately, to many of them have no limitations at all. Only you know how far you can trust your daughter.
I have a 14 year old daughter also
Thankfully right now she doesn't have any boyfriends, although there are boys in the neighborhood who are friends that we've know for 13 years that she'll meet up with when the weather's decent and everyone is outside. She has amazing friends who come from good families and I trust her and them. I guess you just have to trust your children and decide how much leeway you feel you can give them. There are a couple of younger girls in the neighorhood that hang out with a whole group of older boys and just walk the streets. Those are the ones I'd worry about.
Just this past year we've been letting her go to the mall with her friends alone and she has started going to parties, but she always has to go in a group and come home at a decent hour.
My daughter had it over a year ago and
she is still suffering side effects. You do not get over it in 4 weeks.
P.S. I have a beautiful 8-year-old daughter from it all. nm
xx
My daughter had these last year on her shoulders
I got ointment with aloe in it for burns that had also lidocaine and put loose gauze over top. The blister will pop on its own. It will probably be sore once it pops, so keep it covered with the gauze. I added the ointment to take away the sting. It will not hurt so much if you get the ointment. I covered them so they wouldn't get infected and "smart" while she slept.
There are 4-5 a year at my daughter's HS. It's become commonplace.
We live in a moderate-sized town outside Seattle. Usually the threats are phoned in; I don't know if there's ever been a note. Evacuation, police, dogs.... one time they stood around in a rain/hailstorm for over 2 hours while the school (7 buildings on her HS campus) was searched. She and a friend looked around the field where everyone was corralled and said, "gee, if someone was really going to plant a bomb, they'd put it here."
What can you do? If the police search the school and give the all-clear, I say send him back in. It's a miserable decision to have to make either way. Just my $0.02.
Need advice on 16 year old daughter. SM
I just found out that my 16 1/2 year old daughter has been drinking and smoking and has been lying to me about this. I found out and confronted her and she came clean stating that she drinks, but has never been drunk, will just have enough to where she is "happy" and also smokes 3 to 4 cigarettes a month, she says. I have now lost complete trust in her because she has been lying to me all this time stating that she did not drink or smoke and neither did her friends, etc, etc. She has always been a good girl (or at least I thought so) and is an honor student. She just got her driver's license in May. The first thing that I have decided to do is to not let her drive for a while. This is my first experience with this and I need advice and guidance on what the appropriate punishment is. Please help.
Personally, I have an 18-year-old daughter
and no way would I have let her brother's friend move in with us. There is too much temptation even if they are like brother and sister to start with. Also, I agree with other poster, it is not right to limit your daughter's social life with her friends because of an 18yo boy living in your house.
I have a 17 year old daughter, a senior.
She actually doesn't ask to be out during the school week. She's in drama club and working on college applications and homework. If she did ask, I think as long as her homework was done I'd probably let her be out until about 9:00. Her bedtime isn't until 11, but she needs the wind-down time. Weekends, it's midnight.
My daughter graduated last year
And she took a class that taught cooking, sewing, finances, etc. She knows how to sew better than I do! I guess it just depends on the school maybe?
Dear 34-year-old daughter
I call because I am lonely. It is really quiet with all you kids gone and someday soon, when your 3 are grown, you will know too, and then you will call nonstop. That is just what we do. Yes, I do call your brothers and sister when I am lonely also, but your right, you are closer and more convienent. Sorry about the wallpaper....once again, I am lonely and needed help. Deep down, you know I care and I am not trying to be critical of you. My intent is there, maybe my approach is wrong. Someday though...you will reach for that phone 3 times a day and it will not be me on the other end, enjoy it while it lasts.
Poll time... if your 15-year-old daughter....sm
has a paper due at school that was assigned a week ago, she procrastinated and didn't start writing it until the afternoon before the due date and didn't type it up until 11 p.m. at night, then knocked on your door to wake you up because she realized there was no printer printer would you:
A. Get dressed and go to the 24-hour Wal-Mart to get paper.
B. Tell her that it's too bad- she should have done her paper sooner than this and alerted you before 11 p.m. that there was no printer paper - especially when she has gone through a whole ream within a month printing out things like rock band and television star photos and other nonessential things.
(For the record - my husband & I did option B to help her learn a "life lesson" last night - she'll get a reduced grade for turning in the paper late but hopefully she'll learn to stop procrastinating on her school work - which is a chronic problem with her - even with her getting A's and B's.)
No, that is her daughter. This is her 19-year-old son. Looking for link. Will post.
Be right back.
16-year-old daughter-need advice desperately
She is heading down a dark path here. You don't know who she is hanging with and she is pretty good at being stealth. Please put your foot down. You don't want her to be a headline, too many bad things can happen to her. It will be ugly and horrible but that's our job. You don't want to be looking back saying..."if only"...good luck! Any of us could be where you are!
latest update on 16-year-old daughter.
Well, I did it. I told my husband. He had a good stern talking with her about how what she is doing is not good and will not be tolerated, and told her that the rules were expected to be abided by. He grounded her for 2 weeks and we took away her license and car keys. She is beside herself and of course hates me more than anything because I betrayed her to her dad. Go figure. Anyway, now she states that there is no way she will stay in this house and will just run away. Or she will get a job and as soon as she can get some money together, she will emancipate herself from us. My husband told her that if she runs away, the next step will be something like military school. What a mess. He says we have to be tough or she won't get the message. This is so hard for me. I feel like I lost her. She wants nothing to do with me. I just hope and pray that someday she will understand that I did what I think is best for her.
At least now he knows and he can help me handle it. If she does run away, at least now he knows. I told her I love her more than life and I am doing this for her own good. She just reiterated how much she hates me.(sigh)
Thanks for all the good advice everyone. Please pray for me and my daughter. I never thought being a parent could be this hard.
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Tough Love advice. My 19-year-old daughter is making me nuts..
I don't even know where to start with this one but I'll just to give a short summary. My 19-year-old daughter has been troubled since I can remember. For example, her terrible twos went beyond that..if you didn't peel her orange right, she didn't want it and would throw it across the room. I think her diagnosis is best described as ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and bipolar. She has a quick temper and at age 5 blackened her 12-year-old brother's eyes with a book because he got in her face. She has annoyed everyone she has come into contact with. She is very immature. We have tried everything to get her help because once she became a teenager it just got worse. She is self-destructive and I became the enabler and now it is out of control. She would not go to school so she does not have an education. We had to call the cops numerous times because of her violent outbursts. We had her arrested when she stole our credit cards so she could learn a lesson but the courts did nothing. She was supposed to be court ordered to have a job and attend school, of which she did nothing and there was no punishment. She has never suffered any consequences no matter how hard we tried. She was charged with 10 felonies for the credit card theft but got nothing. She just batted her big blue eyes at the judge and it all went away. I have paid her rent for a year or two, bought her a car and paid for it. All of these of course when she had a job but right after I did all of this she stopped going. She got into meth..You would not believe my heartbreaking nightmare. Some days I just don't think I can take another minute of it. At this point, she is now homeless because I just cannot keep paying her bills. She just totaled the car so she has no car and no job and still wants me to pay her way and she has lost her license due to DUI and driving again without privileges. It never stops. How far do I take this? She calls me for money that she says is to eat but if I keep giving her money then what is her motivation to go to work. I kept thinking if she hit bottom she could only come up..but she likes the bottom and just hovers there. She adapts to any environment. So when does she wake up and do you think tough love would work on a child with mental issues. I paid all of her doctor bills so she could get help and on medication but just found out she hasnt been taking them. I know I have so many questions but I have no idea how to "fix her" anymore. I know she needs to help herself but how much is she actually capable of being on drugs and mental health issues. This is devastating to our family and when I don't help her she becomes suicidal and I want to just hang up because I know she is manipulating but what if this is the time she really does something. I tried to take her into the hospital because of her meth addiction because she finally asked for help and was told there really wasn't any programs for her because she didn't have insurance so I left just thinking.."well, I guess you'll have to do it on your own, there is no help." Now, that is heartwrenching. At some point, I know she just has to grownup, but I don't know if I can survive this. I'm stressed 24/7 and sadly whenever she calls I get such bad anxiety. I can hardly be around her because she is so manipulative and I feel guilty that I try to avoid her. I always thought it'd be different if I just loved her more, spend more time with her and so as a mom, I blame myself because she is so messed up. Guilt just fuels the enabling.. Help.. any suggestions, advice??
Daughter's phone is daughter's responsibility. Valuable lesson learned.
It should be between the daughter and the friend if the friend is going to pay any of the fees. They are teenagers, not preschoolers.
Look down on smoking...you said it!
I feel like such a loser sometimes, when I am with others and I'm the only one who has to go find a place where I can have a cigarette. You cannot even smoke outside anymore at certain places, hospital grounds etc., unless you go to the dreaded designated *loser* smoking spot which is usually 1/2 mile away and very obvious (one had a smoking gazebo) :) Happy for you. I'm going to try Chantix too.
smoking
Stick with it!! Believe me you will feel better in the long run! I quit about 8 yrs ago now.
smoking
Did you ask your doc for the new pill that just came out. I can remember exactly what it is called but I have a girlfriend on them and it is working great. Give it a shot!!
Smoking sm
I can only tell you a true story. My younger sister smoked (I never did) and she would try to stop but each time a stressful situation would occur, she would pick up again. At a young age, she was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer, never even had a cough and she looked great! She lived exactly 17 months, the charts said 18. By the 2nd month of DX the young docs told her, "nursing home or Hospice, you can't lay around here." This was when she had a high fever and reaction to chemo. She lost her hair, gained about 30 pounds, etc.from chemo reaction. She died penniless and heartbroken. She was only a year retired early from a great job and had the rest of her life to look forward to, yet cigarettes robbed her of her family, her dignity, her retirement fund, and now she's in the cold, cold ground, all because she "needed" a cigarette. She wanted to retire early and enjoy her 401K retirement plan and her kids. Her daughter just had a beautiful baby and no mother to share the news. Her grandchildren have no grandmother and I have no sister anymore. She just had to have that cigarettte and would listen to no one. Her oncologist told her, "Go ahead and smoke, what difference does it make now?" Is this what you want for yourself? It's the bare naked truth, please, I would rather you cut off your fingers than smoke, at least you would still be alive. Cigarettes STINK and they KILL. Don't let it happen one more day.
I
So that's a yes on the smoking, then.
Of course it has everything to do with it.
smoking
That's a difficult situation. Legally you can do nothing against her, that's bad. I hope the smoke detectors are well maintained? You can try to talk some sense into her, but I doubt it will help.
The only solution would be that you move into a building where the owner forbids smoking. There are some sensible landlords out there who want to keep their houses smokefree.
But, as you said, that's difficult for you.
Try to convince her to stop smoking or cut down by telling her how bad it is for her health.
There should be 'houses for smokers', stinkers, and 'houses for nonsmokers', nonstinkers.
I have the same problem. I am a nonsmoker and live on the 1st floor, under and on above me both are smokers and I tell you, it stinks!
Smoking outside stores
I don't like people smoking outside stores either. They stand right by the door so you have to hold your breath and go through the smoke cloud. Unlike the other things mentioned, that does invade my personal space with secondhand smoke exposure.
No smoking pills?
Has anyone taken the drug Chantix for smoking? My son has been taking this and he and his wife haven't slept in a week. She says he is not acting like himself...I don't smoke so I don't have a clue what its like.
The smoking might have to be done outside if the laws there say
s
15 yo smoking question
I found a pack of cigarettes in my 15-yo son's back pack. He said he was holding them for a neighbor. I kind of believe him but regardless he is under 18 and should not be in possession of them. What kind of consequences do you think are appropriate?
Trying to stop smoking
I haven't smoked today! I am trying to quit. Have tried several times before, but this time I have to do it! 
There's a little difference with smoking, though.
Your second-hand smoke is harmful to others and the environment.
Alcohol kills more people than just those who ingest it.
Obesity only kills the person suffering from it.
Rude to comment on it? Maybe. Then again, everyone who has to put up with the butts on the ground, the second-hand smoke, the nicotine stains and the stench of it clinging to you as you walk into the building -- well, I guess they do have a right to comment.
Today is my second day not smoking
You may want to give it another try. It make cigarettes taste terrible. I think that it only takes 3 days for the physical withdrawal to be over and then it is the emotional part and the habit you need to kick. I decided to quit because I saw the show Intervention and this kid got hooked on heroine after his mother died of cancer and that really hit me and I realized that my life is not only mine, but that of my family's as well. It was funny because yesterday it seemed that whenever I had the urge for a smoke, I would get a note of someone who had lung cancer. Good luck to you. I defintely feel your pain. People who have never smoked just don't get it. Give it another try with Chantix. I have to say that the only problem with it is that I can't sleep at night, but I took a Xanax last night and slept better, not well, but better. It will be worth it in the end when I am a nonsmoker and don't have the threat of lung cancer looming over me. Good luck.
While I don't proport smoking, I'm not sure
asking this information on an insurance form should be allowed. We already deny many Americans affordable health coverage because of obesity and other medical problems. What's next? Asking how many foods we microwave or how long we talk on a cell phone (supposedly these cause cancer, too)? We already ask the obvious questions - smoking, drinking, exercise. They have you weigh in and ask every question imaginable about your family medical history.
How are we supposed to obtain coverage if we're not in perfect health, and let's face it, how many Americans are in perfect health? I was watching Celebrity Fit Club on TV and I looked at some of the people on there and thought what's wrong with them, only to find out their body fat percentage was 2 points over norm. Come on America -- this is just another way to keep us from having healthcare coverage. No, I'm not a smoker, just a concerned American wondering about the future of my health insurance.
Smoking at school
My high school had an area called the "smoke hole" where, if you had a "smoking permit", you could go during lunch or breaks and smoke! I think about that now and it just amazes me that kids were allowed to smoke at school. We called the people that went there the "smokeholians"...too weird now!
quitting smoking
You are correct to be afraid. Quitting smoking is excruciatingly painful. You have to re-train your brain to do every single daily activity without smoking. And the cravings never go away.
Skullcap, Gingseng, and Valerian are extremely useful, so you don't have to suffer if you don't want to.
The sore throat alone from the first week of quitting will scare you to death.
You will need to eat and exercise to get the energy you get from cigarettes, and it will take awhile to learn how to take better care of yourself.
Why is it worth it? You aren't a slave anymore, you can go anywhere, colors you see are more intense, all foods taste different, smells are different and more intense, (and sex is more intense also).
You can quit anything if you can stand the pain. Don't be a wimp, you are worth it.
Quitting Smoking Again
I was wondering if any of you have any tips for quitting smoking without gaining weight. That is my biggest fear as I am already overweight. Thanks in advance!
quitting smoking
I gained 10 pounds I never lost, but not more than that. I used to skip meals when I smoked so I think that is self-explanatory.
Apples and fruit for snacks and quick energy.
I bought an espresso machine, but the mocha grandes I was drinking made my eyes vibrate....not kidding.
Siberian Gingseng to remove fogged brain, depression, and fatigue.
Skullcap for mild irritation.
Skullcap combined with Valerian for psychotic irritation.
Gas-X to combate the effects of constant gum chewing.
Long walks, deep breathing and YOGA. Yoga is amazing....
Smoking either boosts you up or calms you down. Figure out which it is and you can substitute for that need without eating.
Assume the smoking outside will not last. sm
I've lived with smokers. They all say they'll only do it outside. They ALL eventually revert to doing it inside. Especially when you are the only non-smoker. Consider how this will affect you. They may be awesome, but they're awesome smokers.
I took it to quit smoking...
and can't say that I noticed any effects whatsoever, except that it did help me quit smoking.
congrats on the no smoking!!!!
I am not that broke, but next paycheck I need $800 for the car payment and window and door loan. Also need about 200 for food for the following 2 weeks until the next payday... so bout a grand, but the check will only be 700. HMMM, Live without food and will still owe 100 to someone. Thank God I do not have to put gas in the car.
That is a little overboard. Smoking is not
illegal. I would think CPS would tell her to stop wasting their time.
DS smoking pot last night.
Last night, he and his friend smoked in his room and blew the smoke out the window, trying to be sneaky, not realizing that it would waft up and come in the upper deck screen door! We calmly confronted them, they admitted it, DS handed over his paraphanalia, a homemade bong out of a soda can, the rest of his stash (just a couple buds), and we called the other kids parents, who promptly came over and we had a group discussion around the kitchen table, after which the other kid and his parents went home .
DS is grounded from his phone, computer, house phone, all friends and activities until further notice. When he does have an activity, he will be highly monitored and supervised. His freedoms are greatly curtailed. He also will be doing more work on the retaining wall we are building in the back yard. We're not sure yet what else will be a consequence, but I have a friend who is a rehab nurse in a chem dependancy unit, so we may chat with her.
Besides making bad choices and stupid decisions, what REALLY makes me angry is that he was using his SIXTY DOLLAR trumpet mouthpieces for bowls. What a bonehead.
Bigger issue - a 16 year old living withi a 29 year old and liability
Are you still not responsible for him until he is 18, how can he tell you where he will live? Unless he emancipates himself and he does something wrong, can they go against you since you are his mother and legally responsible for him? I worry more about him living with a 29 year old sister rather than returning a house key to me that is a bigger issue.
cig smoking is EXACTLY like heroin addiction.....
filters cut off for more strength....to answer your question.
I wish someone had stopped me - folks gave permission at a young age....because they were smokers.....I have never quit except in pregnancy....but I quit buying over 3-1/2 months ago, still smoke but ask others for one....and I cut back smoking by 75 percent and THAT's something because I no longer even cough the way I used to, my house smells GREAT (smoking outside only).....and I sound better (because I really am better - health-wise).
It is MOST definitely a drug addiction, as bad as any of them, as addicting as any of them........so the post was right on about *hearing it is as strong as a heroin addiction* - I tell kids today, that's exactly what it is...........................because it is.
My only suggestion is to show her pictures (found online even, just Google the subject/topic/question) of what lungs look like in smokers versus nonsmokre, and then find some head and neck surgical oncology site and start showing her pictures there (I worked in a surgical oncology HEAD AND NECK dept for a few years and what I saw was definitely sickening and yet, I too, still smoke *slaps self*)
My children (due to the fact I used above tactics) - NEVER smoked (thank goodness!!!!).
Best of luck to her and you!!!
Georgia has a no public smoking law...sm
and it's great going to restaurants, stores, etc without smelling cigarettes. Restaurants can only allow smokers if they don't admit anyone under age 18 and they have to have a ventilation system that meets a certain strict criteria with the state.
So you're quitting smoking?
Since nicotine is a drug, and you are giving up a habit that involves deep breathing, it actually makes perfect sense if you are starting to have anxiety. I'll bet if you took up exercising like yoga or pilates or some sort of martial arts, you'd get a similar calming effect.
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