Kids/situations
Posted By: Jan on 2008-07-16
In Reply to: 16-year-old daughter - need help from all who have gone through this - need advice desperately
Hang in there. It's tough, and no there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
I had a very permissive mother (and a father who was with us but not really involved) and I did some "normal" teenage stuff that was not the best, but I was much, much, less wild than the girls I knew whose parents were extremely strict. They did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing, and they always found a way to sew their crazy oats in spite of their heavy limitations.
I'm not saying it's good to be overly permissive ... it's not. But I think a lot of it comes down to personality of the child, and you have to try to find the best way to deal with each personality. And, let's face it, one can only have so much control. The rest is their decision (whatever the consequences). That's what is so scary.
Maybe you can find some true stories (like the one poster whose daughter ended up in such a bad way) to show her for examples. There are probably a lot of them on the Internet and maybe even on Youtube.
Please keep us posted.
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I would think there are many different situations. But it sounds like in yours
you truely have to consider what is best for the child. Also consider the age of the child, is the child old enough to say what he/she wants. If the mother is the sole caretaker and there is no likelyhood of any kind of relationship with the father, I see nothing wrong with it. It seems like it would be much easier for the mother and child to share the same last name.
People end up in so many situations (sm)
So many people who are supposedly "high class" get pregnant and decide to have abortions....but that doesn't change the fact that they got pregnant young and without being married just like Jamie Lynn did...no one has a right to judge anyone else. If we want to talk about trashy, how about spending your time following every little detail about what is going on in someone else's life and feeling like we have to spread the gossip. I am vaguely aware of what is going on with them because of the media, I don't really care about all the details. Teenagers unfortunately get pregnant every day...just because this girl is famous doesn't mean we all have to talk about it. As for her show, if the media didn't have to tell everyone every detail of her private life, the show could have continued and the viewers didn't have to know. The content of the show is what is important and the personal life of the actors in the show is really none of anyone's business.
Similar situations here with 4th grader
I also would think they would know better at that age, but obviously my child did not. Similar things happened to mine, not DS games as they are not allowed to leave the house, but with other things. We explained to him that it was his mistake and you can't trust everyone, even friends. He has had to deal with it on his own. It took a few tiems and now he has finally learned his lesson. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way I think. Even though I don't like feeling like I lost money but he's the one who lost the game, not me. He has to deal with the consequences.
After 11 yrs as a boy scout leader, I've seen all sorts of situations.
And, I've had to deal with my share of 11 yo bullies. (I have one in my troop now who is absolutely driving me up a wall.) I've learned a lot over the years. For one thing, I know that while it's possible to be a very good influence on a child, it's also likely that parents who are having issues can, in just a moment, un-do any positive influence you've had on a child. I've also seen kids come back years later after I thought I had made no headway with them. They've come back to thank me for showing them patience and kindness and a better way to act. And, sadly, I've seen more than a few kids spin off out of control, right to the point of their own death.
Firstly, you have to think of your own child's safety, of course. If you can band with other parents in your neighborhood to provide supervision while this bully is around, that would be a great help. Agree on play areas, who is and is not allowed to be in the play area, be patient and teach the children general rules of good behavior. When the rules are violated, then there are consequences. If the bully cannot behave, especially if he's being dangerous. If you feel that he and the other children in his household are not being properly supervised or cared for at home, then call the authorities.
The other thing I've learned is to be very direct with problem children and parents, and to keep my emotions calm. No shouting, and always have an adult witness nearby. For many years, I would dance around direct language with parents, afraid that I might hurt their feelings. But that always leaves too much room for them to misunderstand what I really wanted. State exactly what you want the other person to know. "I have a problem with your child's behavior. I'm willing to help supervise, but only on these conditions." If the parent becomes argumentative or defensive, walk away and lock your door. Write down what you said and what happened. I don't want to scare you, but if there are questions later, accusations from the parent or child, you won't have to rely on your memory alone.
One can be patient and extend help to people who need it, but you don't have to put up with abuse, either. Use all of your resources -- other neighbors, authorities, your own talents, and do what you can, but be careful.
I agree. People put problems or situations on this board to get - sm
advice from others on this board. There are many different types of advice given and that is generally what the poster is looking for. Those of us who have given our lives to the Lord, have found that it turned our lives around and given us great joy, as well as helped us through many times of hurt and fear. We like to share this with others, especially when they are seeking advice on how to get through their own fear. As Jan said, if you do not want to read this than don't. I did notice however that you did not offer any advice for the poster to help with her fears and anxieties. You just used it as an opportunity to slam those of us who are trying to help.
It didn't work out due to combining of kids and step kids. nm
*
Nope, no kids with him, all of our kids are 20 and over.
I would think that some of the $12,000 A YEAR he paid in support for over 9 years should have been enough to save some for college. He paid his dues so to speak, always paid the support on time, had insurance for them, etc. He told them straight up to pay for their own college. Is there something wrong with that?
ESL kids have a label =$$$. When the illiterate kids get a label slapped on them - they will get a
Most public schools do not teach children to read with intensive phonics. It has nothing to do with class size IMHO. The method of reading instruction is what determines if the kids will learn to read or not.
Consider homeschooling her.
Each child represents a $ amount to public school administration. As long as the child attends they get their $. They still get X amount of $ for each year they teach or do not teach a kid to read.
Their compensation is not reduced when they produce illiterate adults.
I believe my kids would still believe . .
had I not got totally busted by my 10-year-old son. My 7-year-old still believes. I always asked as my kids if they believe and when they said yes, I said that that is all that is important. My son caught me playing the EB last Easter. He said to me yesterday, "Come on, a giant bunny hopping around the country bringing easter baskets? How long did you expect me to fall for that?" I about split a gut laughing!!! However, both older children know how important it is to let the 7YO believe, we all watched Polar Express last night and they still were mesmerized!!!
I think a LOT of men are like that with kids
Maybe because since such a high % of marriages end in divorce, some of them keep a distance there. After all, when divorces happen, who gets the kids? Also, women tend to take charge when it comes to the kids and men tend to allow it. I truly believe that kids do not always strengthen a marriage but often the opposite. I have seen statistics stating that more couples with children get divorced than those who don't have any. Interesting, huh? JMO
That's why I won't have kids.
I have totally turned off the need/want to have kids, because I know my husband could never handle it. I don't want to be a single parent...especially a married single parent, know what I mean? It's an incredible commitment and they don't stay portable and nonverbal for long.
What do your kids
What do your kids call you and your spouse? Would you mind if they changed it, as in Mom instead of Mommy, as they got older? My kids call me Mom. If they call me Ma......I correct them, I don't LIKE it!! My son's GF calls me Mommy or Mom, I don't mind. My DIL calls me by my first name, I don't mind that either. I have a stepson, he also calls me Mom.
I do but only to keep an eye on my kids. NM
x
Hello......if you want your kids to know...
about STDs and how not to get pregnant, YOU teach them. Why should there have to be programs about that at all? If you want them to have condoms, you buy them, don't ask the school nurse to hand them out. As to the genius of a President...at least he is trying. The one before him was hardly an advertisement for wise choices where sex is concerned ala black dress and use of cigars in a way that NO one ever intended...and committed felony perjury while a sitting President. Oh, but, heck....who cares, right?? Geeeezzz. Gimme a break.
Hello, yourself. If I had kids, I would...sm
Teach them those things. And if you're questioning why there s/b sex ed programs in school at all, why do you seem to be defending the current abstinence-only ones? They're worse than nothing at all because they give inadequate and downright *false* information. How is not having all the facts (or having the wrong "facts") ever a good thing? Just doesn't make any sense to me. If you want Bush to get credit because "at least he's trying" well, that seems like a pretty low standard for the president of our country.
Now as far as Clinton, I never said I was a fan. You're assuming an awful lot there. I don't even want to get into that.
I was one of four kids (sm)
and I was always wishing that my twin sister and I could have parents of our own. Living with mean older siblings was no fun!
Once again, your kids are still not that old
but when my son married, completely absorbed into not only his wifes life (which I am the first to say she comes first) but also her family and I basically just lost a son. Just swallowed up by her side and you would not know he really had a mother anymore. Quit trying on that end some time ago.
Especially with little kids
nm
Buy them, but keep away from little kids, sm
When my daughter was 2 or 3, she got her hands on one of the poppies in the back seat and must have pulled it apart and put the plastic middle up her nose. We didn't know in the beginning what was there, but after a visit to her pediatrician who couldn't get at it, a trip to the emergency room, a 5 hour wait for an ENT guy with the correct equipment to retrieve it, we discovered it was the middle of the poppy. Since then, whenever I see them selling the poppies, I tell them to warn parents with little kids to keep the poppies away from the kids.
I don't even have kids, and I
think that's coooooolllld.
It's really not nice to try to be scientific or philosophical with somebody who is going through a loss and expresses sorrow.
Did Jesus tell Lazarus' family, "Hey, dont worry about it; we'll all see him in heaven soon!" No, he took pity on them in their sorrow. That's how He is. Let's try to mirror Him, not philosophists and scientists when it comes to people who are hurting.
Probably more the kids
Love my marriage and don’t mind the divorces until I got it right. The kids are ok as long as infant, toddlers and then they grow up. Not my cup of tea anymore.
Kids going out
I have no problem with it, but there's always upwards of 10 children and at least 3 adults to supervise out all the time, but I would never let my youngest go out alone under any circumstances. We have a very quiet neighborhood, but you never know.
Some men have kids, but then
continue to spend as if they are still single. I can't believe how often I see this. They complain when the wife buys clothes, but when he buys something it has an engine and it's a big, dangerous toy!
That's why I can see why some women might want to hide money. Of course not all men are like that.
I used to buy my kids
those paint-by-numbers kits. Kept them occupied for a short time. Also go to a dollar store and load up on some new toys and books without spending a fortune.
She has kids as well
That was the deal - we were taking both of our kids to do something fun together.
kids
My DD (17 YO) has been getting her self up for years on her own. My mom bought her an alarm clock and she started using that to get up on her own. Now my DS on the other hand, is 20 and I still have to wake him up for work...go figure. I think girls are just more responsible that way.
kids...
I've had both of mine doing their own laundry for about 3-4 years now, since my DD was about 12 and DS about 15, maybe younger. My DD could take care of her own place right now (16 YO), but my DS (20 YO) is another story...maybe it doesn't have anything to do with gender after all...
kids...
Oooh, me too! They do their own bathroom, laundry, and bedrooms. I have my own to worry about. It hasn't killed them yet!
No kids, nothing
could make me stay around to be miserable. I feel most of the times I read these posts the women really do not want to live and use children as their reason for staying. I do not think I could ever say I have been miserable, that is really bad. Only you would be able to change your life and only if you want to. Good luck.
I don't even have kids and I still
wouldn't date somebody 20 years younger than me. I happen to like having a few things in common with my mate. However, 5 years younger instead of older would have its advantages, LOL.
Took my kids to see
Billy Ray Cyrus last night and have to admit it was great! That was their first concert and of course now, he is "Hannah Montana's Dad" They really had fun though! He actually sang Achy Breaky Heart while playing his guitar and barely wiggled a hip through the whole song!
Kids!! UGH!!
They can fill you with such joy and pride and then WHAM! You now understand why some animals eat their young.
I had a very similar experience with my braniac son who became a complete and utter imbecile freshman year of college over the girlfriend he was leaving behind.
What about this: Forget the phone, texting, IM-ing, etc. You can't control him and the more you try, the worse it will be. Your concern should be that he maintains good grades. You sit your son down and tell him you will continue to pay for/support him while he goes to the school he is currently attending. If he chooses to leave the school and give up the scholarship, that is his decision, but if he does that, he's on his own. You signed up to send him to school where he is now. He got the scholarship (for 4 years?), and he got a car. You can offer to pay for the new school where the girl of his dreams (this year) is at, the same amount you would be paying had he remained at the old school. Any costs above and beyond are his. If he does transfer, sell the car - he didn't keep his part of the bargain. I am assuming the car is in your name, insured under your policy. He has to learn to be a man of his word and has to suffer the consequences of not holding up his end of the deal. It is not the end of the world. He will/she will meet someone else and then you can enjoy a whole new set of dramas! My son threatened to pack up his stuff and hop the next train home if I didn't pick him up at school and bring him back. I told him you go right ahead and buy that train ticket, but you will need to find a place to live when you get back because the locks will be changed here. I have caller ID and I did not answer his calls for a while after that. As with you, this all took place first semester. He finally decided to "try" to tough out the year. A week later he loved school, broke up with the bimb...ah, girlfriend, and he's now in his 3rd year at the same college.
Time to put some responsibility on your son. You can offer advice, but punishing, demanding, etc. an 18-year-old does not work. Staying calm and rational and explaining consequences is far more effective.
Time to let go a little, mom, and put some of this on him. He's thinking with the wrong body part and he's only thinking about the here and now, not the next 3 years, like the majority of 18-year-old boys do.
Hang in there! Parenting is not for the weak. That drama with my son made me lose 5 pounds, 2 weeks of sleep and half a head of hair, but I did survive.
If she has 10y. IUD, how did he get 2 kids with her?
x
did ya have kids w/him? If so, ask the kids...
if there are children with him, from him....they might want them...or another one of his relatives I would think.....
Congrats on getting remarried....
Everyone gets their kids SO MUCH!! sm
My son is 10 and had an XBox 360 on his list as well as a computer of his own...we told him both were too expensive. We told him we would get the XBox 360 as a gift for him and his sister to share and Guitar Hero III to go with it, but he didn't want to share. So we felt that if it wasn't important enough for him to be willing to share it, then it must not be that important. Our two kids got gifts that totaled about $250-300 each. Since then everyone we know has show us what their kids got for Christmas. Our neighbor's kids, ages 8 and 9, got iPod Nanos each and a Wii system to share! Another friend got her 7 year old a nice Karoake system and a laptop for her room. Half the fifth graders we know have their own computer and their own cell phone! What in the world!!!??
My kids get...
My kids get 3 gifts each because that is what Jesus got when he was born, which is what Christmas is all about anyway. They also will get 1 together gift for all 3 of them, which is usually a bigger gift. Last year was a trampoline and this year was a ping pong table. They know that, they are good with that, and they don't expect too much. I refuse to get my kids any game system because I have too many nephews who sit in front of the TV and play games all day long and don't do any physical activity. As far as cell phones, my youngest is 7 and wanted a cell phone for Christmas and I told her no. She is with me except for when she is in school and does not need a cell phone. My oldest got one of those disposable phones last year for Christmas and didn't use her minutes in time, which made me realize she only wanted the phone to say she had one. My point...do what your family can do and who cares what other families do. I feel the kids that get too much don't learn how to appreciate what they have and in turn expect more than life can give them when they are grown.
Kids and $$
They can sure go through it. I started mine off early. She has always had responsibilities that go along with the allowance because she's part of the family. Our incomes constitute family money, but chores, etc, constitute family responsibilities. Privileges are directly in proportion to responsibility. She is looking forward to her first real job, as she is already well aware that if she wants her drivers license, she will either pay the increase in insurance or be doing volunteer work to qualify for the larger state scholarship. She has always looked over my shoulder on budgeting, bill paying, etc. Around 5, we instituted the "Mommy credit card" because I wasn't fond of her carrying cash, and when she found something she wanted, I would buy it, presenting her with her "bill" once a month, including (very low) interest if she didn't have enough saved. It's a given now. We buy food, books, and pay for necessary school supplies. Anything else comes from her allowance. She has a separate clothing allowance, and with it, we find she has a better wardrobe for lots less money. At 13, she does an excellent job managing her own checking account (with debit card), helps out around the house, and goes to work with my husband when he has work on weekends. I have heard (not just from him) that she works her a** off, and it's manual labor. She helps with taxes and household budgeting, hubby's advertising and record keeping, and all sorts of stuff, so she gets a pretty decent allowance. Many of her friends are jealous of her allowance until they hear what all she does to get it. Is trying to negotiate a loan right now because it's pretty daunting to save up $600 for a software package she wants. She's a little over halfway there and starting to get frustrated. The kid is pretty good at this, too, because her negotiations include that she will also be able to use it for hubby's business, which should make it tax deductible, which should reduce her interest rate on the loan. I think she's going to get the loan, but she's negotiating with hubby (her step-dad), and I'm staying out of it.
Two kids
What ages are your kids?
17yr old son and 15yr old daughter
2. Do they have their own cell phone?
Yes, but neither got one until they turned 14. There was no need before because they were never in a place without an adult or access to a phone.
3. Do they have their own TV and or computer in their room? If so, are there set hours they're allowed to use these:
They both have TVs in their rooms but did not get them until they turned 12. No limit on watching time becuase it has never been a problem. They both have laptops they got for Christmas 2 years ago from Granny. My DH and I both have access to the computers and look from time to time to see what they are using them for. So far no problems.
4. Do they receive an allowance? If so, are they required to do chores to receive this?
No set allowance. They do have chores. They both had part-time jobs during the summer and were required to put a certain amount in savings. Then with b-days in Nov. and Jan. as well as Christmas they always seem to have cash. DD also takes care of my parents diabetic dog when they travel, which is quite often, and she gets paid very well for that and my parents will ask DS to run errands for them (sometimes I think they make things up) so they give him gas money and little extra for his time. We pay for things like field trips, annuals, etc.
You have kids, right?
I would be worried about the effect he is having on them as a role model. I think this is seriously hideous way of life (the animal abuse) to be showing your kids.
For many kids
I'd bet that the people that said "No swats!" had daughters, and no sons,, and said, "Oh my! That's not nice!" Completely missing that, sometimes, boys are not nice!
How do you tell your kids no?
Ugh... I could totally be jumping to conclusions, but I am afraid that my BD (bio daughter) is going to ask me tonight for a loan or something else that I will have to say no to.
I would love to be able to help her, but with all the uncertainty going on with my employment among other things, I just can't right now.
Even if I could (unless I just had money running out of my ears) I'm not sure I want to due to the "among other things".
It's a medical issue and she doesn't have the money to go to a doc. She has not asked me for the money....but she said it would cost her about $120 and she doesn't have it. We are IMing right now....NOW WHAT?
What I tell my kids
alumni solicitors and anyone else whom I want to maintain a friendly relationship: I'm not in a position to do that at this time. No further explanation needed.
Do you have kids with this man? DO you want him
x
I have an LG and so do my kids...sm
When I went to get my phone, I had planned to get a pink Razr, but the girl at the store said they were junk. I figured she ought to know and ended up getting an LG Chocolate. I love it. Took a bit to get used to going from a flip phone to the slider, but I really like it. My kids both have the Envy 2 (know I didn't spell that right!) If I had known I was going to be texting as much as I am, I might have gotten one, too, because of the nifty keyboard.
believe it or not, some kids don't
quit no matter how memorable. My sister was like that. She seemed to enjoy the pain of a belt across her @ss. It didn't do any good. It even went to the point of family court because someone close to the family felt it was abuse to discipline my sister the way my parents did. I think after going through that experience with my family, I've tried to stay away from physical punishment. My parents almost lost everything because of a very stubborn child, and I now feel I'm being put in the same position. It's either him or me. One of us is gonna give in. Either he gives in and we live happily ever after, or I give in and he goes to the boys' home.
I don't have kids, and
I feel like I'm just too scared and lazy to get divorced. But I want to date. That would be so fun. But living with somebody is not so fun. Fun would be good about now.
My kids like them also but......
They also know that money spent elsewhere is money that takes away from their gifts :). Two of the three have birthdays in December, so that makes a difference. December is a killer for me but at least I get it all knocked out at once and have another year to plan!
LOL!!! My kids would probably like your name
xx
kids
If she was at your house for Thanksgiving, then I guess she prefers that set up to the Christmas arrangements?
Do you know you want to have kids?
I never got the urge to have them; I was always pretty sure I wouldn't make a good mom. But logically, if you see kids in your future and love babies, then I'd say you might want to just see when it happens after marriage without pushing for it, but not using birth control. If you hold off a few years and then discover infertility problems, things are going to get really expensive fast. I had a friend who had an abortion. She married the guy. They later had a child that was planned in their own time. She now feels bad that she didn't just go ahead and get married and keep the first baby also just because the timing was a little early.
If there were no kids, I'd say
they should divorce and marry each other. But I'm less certain because there are kids involved. But it seems like life is too short to be married to the wrong person.
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