I wouldn't, but that's just me. I was raised that
Posted By: sm on 2009-05-11
In Reply to: Would you charge 18yo rent? - Silly Girl
no matter what life dealt us, we had a safe haven in our parents' home to come back to if we needed it, and I would like my children to feel that way. I think they grow up & move off too soon anyway... :)
Complete Discussion Below:  marks the location of current message within thread
The messages you are viewing
are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select
the boards given in left menu
Other related messages found in our database
I, too, am with you on this - was raised by someone..
This is a very imperfect world and hence, I never expect children to be perfect - just to do the best that they can and to continue to move in a forward pattern.
We are all humans and we all forget stuff.
My mother ruled with an iron fist and you could eat off her floors. My house is nice, neat, and clean but I'm not iron-fisted nor was I ever nor will I ever be, and my kids are pretty well centered today, young adults with minimal problems, who work and are VERY RESPONSIBLE AND CARING human beings. *S* 
Of course, being ruled by someone iron-fisted (and abusive), I ended up in therapy for BEAUCOUP years as a young person; became a better mother because of it years later, proving that history does NOT necessarily repeat itself.....not all who come from abuse continue being abusers!! I broke the family generational history of all the bull and hypocrisy!
Again, this is a very imperfect world - nobody should expect perfection actually. 
Not always how they are raised
I too had a pitbull from 9 weeks of age. No one could have told me then that a dog raised as she was would turn out to be nothing by heartbreak. She was well socialized, raised around people, livestock, children, other dogs, and cats. We took her everywhere with us. She went to work with me every day on a ranch. She graduated top dog in her obedience class. She was the most wonderful loving dog, with us...until around the age of 3 years, then something snapped in her little brain and she became the killer the breed is known for. It happened overnight. We came home to find the cat she was raised with from a puppy ripped to shreds with blood all over the garage. After that, her personality changed. She became so spaced out every time she would see a small child, cat, or another dog. We tried to justify it, like a parent always does when their child does something horribly wrong. Then she got hold of another dog at the ranch whom she had known and played with for a year. Fortunately, that dog survived and we were rightfully sued big time. We had her destroyed the next day instead of taking a chance on her getting one of our children or one of the neighborhood children or somone elses pet. It was the hardest decision we have ever made, she was like our child.
The difference between pitbulls and MOST other breeds is that most other breeds bite and walk away, whereas pitbulls don't stop until they kill, it's in their blood. Once this instinct is turned on there is no shutting it off, and you can never know when and if this instinct will come out in your pitbull. I do know some nice old pitbulls who are sweathearts, but to me the risk is too great to take a chance knowing the potential they have to become killers without notice. There are too many other nice breeds out there where you will never have to worry about it. We now have a lab and our children and other pets, not to mention the neighborhood children and pets, are safe. My two cents based on personal experience on the subject.
You raised him. nm
mmm
I raised 2 boys on my own.
Maybe some of these techniques that assisted me can do the same for you:
1) Literally write down a list of rules that you want observed in your home. Not what you think you can get him to do but what you actually WANT. Make copies for his bedroom, for the refrigerator, for his billfold, for every room you can. (I printed mine off and framed them in certificate frames and hung them up. Be specific. Cover all areas.)
2) Literally write down behaviors and language you are not going to tolerate and rank them.
2) Literally write down a list of everything that is important to this youngster. Include friends (by name), electronics (iPod, computer, etc.), privileges (telephone, friends coming over, going out, driving), and places he enjoys going (movies, sports events, eating establishments, etc.). Rank these in order of importance to him.
3) If possible, have your husband (separated, correct?) to meet with you first and agree and provide a united front. Agree on what you expect of him as his parents, what is best for his wellbeing. Write down how you will construct discipline and dispense punishment. Make it appropriate, reasonable and, above all, something you will actually do.
5) Have a meeting with your son (and your husband, if he is onboard with you). Give your son a copy of the new rules, the discipline tactics, the unacceptable behaviors and the punishments. Go over each one of them. Don't argue. Don't explain too much. The lists are clear. Everything has a yes/no as to its use and everything has an if with it as well.
Here's the hardest part: Do what you say. If his language is offensive, he can't talk on the phone. Period. No exceptions, period. Even if you have to unplug it and keep the cord in your pocket. Never argue; never raise your voice. Just calmly make your statement and leave it alone. The more he carries on, the more trouble he will incur. Let him handle the stress of it. If you protect him from the consequences of his actions, he will never, ever change and never learn. (Warning: His behavior WILL get worse before it gets better and then it will wax/wane on occasion just to test the waters.)
Stay with him after school in his tutoring. I showed at school one day in high school for my oldest. One day for 2 classes and that was all it ever took. Made the difference with my youngest, too! Neither one wanted me showing up and sitting next to him in class! Be there but let the teacher do the tutoring. Just be there to enforce his attendance and understand what is happening in the sessions.
Praise good/changed behavior but do not reward it. If it is behavior you are wanting to be an expected behavior, praise it, acknowledge it. Reward exceptional behavior that goes beyond what you have set rules for.
Make sure he is involved in his own caretaking: Laundry, specific chores (no pay -- no ma'am, do not pay any child to contribute to their household), help cook one night a week, yard work, etc.
Be watchful of his music, TV watching, movie going. These can have just as devastating of an impact on him as his so-called friends. Make sure you know who his friends' parents are, what they do; do you agree with how they live? How these friends act? If not, restrict his activities with them.
Get him involved in some type of sport he enjoys and into a youth group if at all possible. It is important.
I hope these tips will help you as much as they did me.
The kids would have been raised as my own and
been able to have what I gave my own. It is sad in that as the birthmother wanted them back, she eventually got them only to turn back to drugs and last I heard kids out on the streets again. One person can only do so much.
Well, I was raised on a farm so...sm
I knew early on what confine meant when we had a cow ready to give birth. My grandpa "confined" her to keep her from running off into the pasture to have it on her own. You can imagine my surprise (disgust actually) when I heard educated doctors use basically the same phraseology towards a human-being...I was a tad disturbed. Then I thought...it was probably a good thing I had been confined then or God only knows which park I may have had my daughter in. LOL
Born and raised here but.......
I have never had sweetbreads or like you call it organ meat, not in my lifetime either unless starving. I know of no one in my family nor have I ever met that eats such. Oh BTW, my big chain grocery carries liver (as I suppose most stores in the US do) but have never seen the other organ meats you speak of so I guess in the south maybe not so popular?
I think that it is just the way most gen x'ers were raised...
Not me, of course. I was at the tail end of Gen X and raised very conservatively, but if you take away discipline and family values from growing children, what do you expect when they are all grown up?
I was raised in Port Richmond.
X
Thank you!! I was raised in the south by 2 southerns
and this type of behaviour is completely not tolerated! We moved to the midwest when I was older and still have never been talked to like that until we moved to the east coast!! Maybe it's normal here to not have manners or respect for women??
Born and raised in Ewa Beach,
have not been home in almost 21 years. I think I like Bermuda better.
I turned out really well, thanks to the village that raised me.
And, I had a really wonderful dad. I guess the best thing for you to do is to make your daughter's friend feel welcome in your home. My best friends growing up had great families, and I loved going to their houses for sleepovers, dinners, and just hanging out. Their examples gave me good models for how to care for my family and home when I became a wife and mother. As I said, this was back in the 1960s, and no one talked about such things in those days. So no one ever took me aside and talked to me about what was going on at home. I suppose, had it been going on in this day and age, the schools and authorities would have been contacted and I'd have had counseling, and whatever else is done these days. I'm not saying those are bad things, just that the people in my small town simply went with their intuition. They knew I didn't have a stable home life, so they offered it to me in their own homes. I remember all the mothers of my friends very fondly, to this day. All of them have since passed away. They were wonderful women. One in particular, kept in touch with me for years after I grew up and moved away, and even hand-knit Christmas stockings for my family, which I treasure to this day.
Was born and raised in WV. Now I live
just across the state line in VA. Am still a WV girl at heart. Can't think of a better song to sing. Would rather sit in the sun as opposed to raking leaves though! LOL!
this is true - my daughter is not raised like I was.
nm
Yes, dad has the same hopes as you. Ah yes, Mother raised us right.
Too bad all women are not as perfect as she (rest her soul), nor as fortunate to have had such a loving and dedicated, albeit rough-around-the edges, husband.
born/raised in sacramento, ca
and yes, it has changed tremendously in last 30+ years; so much bigger. i still have family there, but do not like going there anymore.
Yes I am, born and raised in Kentucky and
x
keep in mind, you guys raised us.
nm
I remember that, but I thought animals can be raised sm
for that purpose, which is bad enough, but sold in hardware stores?
And evidently not raised w/etiquette emphasis!
and evidently not raised w/etiquette emphasis!....
Born and raised there in Wahiawa, HI. Left after sm
my mom remarried. I was soo homesick that I went back. But then I missed my mom too much and then came back to her here. It's been about 13 years since I've been back. I've since married and my "dream" is to take my husband and 3 children "home." It would cost around 8,000 to go for a 1 week vacation with 5 airline tickets, etc. We've looked into it many times.
The funny thing is this. I always have dreams that we are there. All of a sudden I'm at the Honolulu Airport picking up leis. Or I'm on a beach in HI and all my kids are with me. One dream I had was so vivid that I actually asked my husband if we were really there. He said, "Of course we are." And it was just like I remembered it. On the beach. I began crying because I was SOO excited. And then I woke up. Isn't that tragic? haha
I'm part Hawaiian from my paternal grandfather
No just plain old Methodist, raised Baptist (sm)
don't really think it has religious roots though.
You guessed right! Raised in the North and will die in the south!!
m
This is exactly how I dealt with backtalking when I raised my kids.
Honestly, I would have been prepared to smack a kid right in the face for talking back to me, but it never came to that. Not even close! I started with them from the time they could talk. I modeled respectful speech, and when they shouted at me or spoke disrespectfully, they got the stern mom-voice and a time out in their room. By the time they were in school, all I had to do was give them a look. So many people have asked me, "How can you get them under control with just a look?" I guess I just cultivated that super power when they were little! Really, it was just consistency. Today, I have adult children, and when we're gathered for dinner together and we're laughing over our cups of coffee at the end of the meal, invariably one of them will crack some sort of joke or make a comment that will prompt me to give them that look. Immediately, the offender will say, "Sorry, mom!" and give me a sheepish grin. And then they'll all start up about how mom still has the power of the look. My eldest, the real wise-guy, once snapped a picture of me at the precise moment I gave someone The Look, and he now has it taped to his refrigerator door. He says it reminds him to behave as he goes through life, plus it makes him smile. Makes me smile, too!
I raised mine and 3 nieces as one family sm
I did it alone with child support help and being an MT. You can only imagine the hours it took to support 7 kids!!!!
Anyway, we never had money for fun stuff and if we had all the necessities it was a very good month. I finally told them: Look, I make $20-25 when I am working. Working means my hands are on the keyboard. I don't get paid to pick up your junk, clean the kitchen or scrub the toilet. Every time I have to take time away from the desk to do these things FOR YOU, it is costing YOU $20-25 for things you need/want. The more hours I can work, the more we have in the bank.
I can't tell you why they listened, but they did. They got to where they would name a "price" for a bigger job like cleaning the family room alone, doing all 3 bathrooms for me or cleaning the kitchen and then doing the floor in the kitchen and diningroom (it was huge). The "price" might be a movie ticket, a whole weekend with a friend, nail polish, large candy bars, a much-desired item of clothing. Small jobs could be added up and presented to me as a list and negiotations began. They worked, I "paid" and the house was no longer a mess. I also made more money under less stressful conditions.
My own kids, now grown, have all come to me and thanked me for the way I raised them. I used to say, I know you don't like this, but by the time you are 21, you'll thank me. They were all 19 when the said they feel that they were raised better than all their friends and thank you for being a great mom. They marvel at the spotless house I now keep alone and that I am always to calm like I have no stress. I remind them, I only have to take care of myself these days and you all were a LOT of work.
No, born and raised mainly in Tampa area sm
but his family lived in Louisiana for about a year when he was 3 or so. His grandfather was from Texas, though, so it could be from that also. Tampa is not "Southern" like the panhandle area of Florida. The main influence on food here is Cuban. It's funny because I never even ate at a Chinese place until I moved here, and now I love so many different ethnic cuisines - Greek, Cuban, Chinese, and I don't know what all else. I could eat fried plantains and a Cuban sandwich one day, a gyro and some Greek potato salad the next. Maybe that's why I gained so much weight after I met my husband LOL 
You could post an update and answer some of the questions raised?
x
My home is Philly also. Love it, born and raised here. nm
x
My advice, having raised 2 boys with voracious appetites
Yes, plan. Plan a week's worth of dinners, plus any other meals that you and your boys will eat at home. Plan a limited amount of snacks. Buy everything in 1 trip if you can and mark what can be eaten randomly and what cannot.
Watch for sales and buy a few things in bulk when you can to save a little. Put your savings into a piggybank or jar. When you save with coupons, do the same thing. This is your eating-out money.
When the snacks for the week are gone, they are gone. Teenagers are perfectly capable of making enough money to fund their snacking and even contributing a bit to weekly food bills or providing their own eat-out money.
I had a $400 budget for myself and 2 boys although, if I had to, I could spend much less.
I never bought sodas, ice cream, cookies. We did have chips, though. Their snacks were more like mini-meals, hahaha.
You should also teach them to cook at this age. I started teaching mine to cook in their early teens and then eventually each had 2 nights a week they cooked for all of us. We had some rather unappetizing meals at first but they got the hang of it and now do an excellent job shopping, cooking and taking care of themselves.
I was raised Southern Baptist, watched the hipoccracy around me
Watch George Carlin's "It's All Bad For You". This was his last stand up and he talks a lot at the beginning about death and relgion. He makes perfect sense! What's ironic to me is that my mom and grandma, who are christians, send me emails with his philosophy a lot. He's a very outspoken athiest so it's funny that the same people who tell me to boycott The Golden Compass would send me funnies from an athiest POV.
Actually I didn't really follow anything/anybody other than logic and by taking science classes. The bible, IMO, is an ancient tool to keep people in line. Fear is a strong motivator and many, many wars have been fought in the name of religion. I think once we let go of dogma we can truely obtain a peaceful society.
Wow - raised in small Southern Baptist Church - can't imagine this. (sm)
As new preachers have come and gone over the years, I can't ever remember one even repainting a room in the parsonage without checking with someone much less getting rid of anything.
This sounds very, very strange and I agree with you that there is something wrong here. Do you not have any kind of an advisory board or anything within the church? Perhaps you should form one and seek out another preacher. Some of these old churches are so lovely. I can't imagine anyone tearing down our old church. It was old when I was married in it almost 40 years ago.
Good luck to you and any other members, past, present or future, of this church.
Hi; I was born and raised here, only went to college in California, my cousin recently......sm
bought a beautiful big house and land in North Carolina near the Virgina border, so much more for the $$$$, great area, I don't know about jobs because her husband is older and can take an early retirement, but it is very temperate there, usually lovely weahter, and not AS MUGGY in the summer as it is if you go further south, and also the seacoast is gorgeous. Hope this helps, God Bless, at least the days are getting longer here, it is actualy 53 degrees as I write this, I think the Winters get longer every year, though, in New England, even though I love NE. Take Care!
Born in the south, raised in the south, still live here and WHAT?
I do not love fats and butter, never. South Georgia is about as southern as you can get. I do not want to clog my arteries and eat organic as much as I can. You cannot speak for everyone, only yourself.
LOL-I wouldn't think twice about getting the pup sm
When I lost my cocker 2 years I was looking around for another 2 weeks later. I couldn't stand the thought of not having my own dog. Sure, hubby has his Golden, but my faves are cockers and I absolutely fell in love with my new guy's face on the internet. We drove 2 days later about 40 miles and picked him up. I melted when I saw his little face cocking to the side when I spoke to him. Of course, I still miss my other dog and my new one looks just like her, only the personalities are SO different. And the Golden finally got his playmate. He's just like a pup again. When we first introduced the two, we did it real gradual and took our time with it. The new pup was VERY feisty and the Golden wasn't used to that with before. LOL-my other cocker was 14 when she died. She didn't play at all, only slept and ate. Big change for the Golden.
wouldn't do it...
I lived in a mobile home for 9 years before we moved up to a house. I would never go backwards. You're still going to end up paying more. Like others have said, they do depreciate, not appreciate. Lot rent goes up and up and up each year (at least for us it did, started at 125 and ended up at 269 in 9 years). They are definitely not built well, at least ours wasn't and we supposedly had a better made one. Good luck with your decision.
I wouldn't do it...
I wouldn't, either. I have a 4-year-old daughter who knows why I wear a bra and understands she will one day when she's a young woman. I'm sure the girls who do have bras so young are a little heavier, which brings on earlier development. I can understand that then. When we walk in a store, she loves to look at all the pretty pink pajamas and clothes, but she knows she can only look. I'll say maybe Santa will bring her something, but I won't allow her to beg me for something. My boys don't, either. My husband and I tell them before going to the store exactly what we are getting and that's it. I think 5 is too young for a bra. Same thing for pierced earrings, not until she's old enough to understand them and how to take care of them. This is a gimmie-gimmie world, but it's up to us parents.
Good luck!
I wouldn't...
No way would I invite myself and my family to stay at someone else's house. It'd be way uncomfortable and unpleasant, IMHO...if he insists, make him call and ask them.
I wouldn't eat it
Left over food should be refrigerated within 2 hours, otherwise bacteria and such can start growing and it is unsafe to eat
I would not appreciate it, but I wouldn't be mad about it.
My golden is on a strict diet of dry dog food only. Any sort of table food or "human" food is a no-no. She has allergies to some "people" food. That would be the only reason I would not appreciate anyone feeding her, but then again, I don't leave her outside very long. She is a family dog and a house dog.
Well, which one do you like better? I wouldn't put too much sm
emphasis in the relationship of the man who isn't as interested in you. If he's acting like that now it might be a sign that he's not ready, has ulterior motives, or just not that into you. Good luck!
I wouldn't do it
I'm pretty sure the hospital can't actually take anything from him. In his shoes and being elderly, before I did any of that stuff I would look into reverse mortgage. He could perhaps get enough to pay all of it or very close and then make payments on the remainder.
Thanks! That's why I wouldn't want
it to be a set date - just in case I didn't have the funds in there.
No, I wouldn't.
While you may know these boys like they were your own, what if they have 'friends' that show up with other ideas? Also, what about her reputation? I know times have 'changed' but having a reputation to be proud of as your daughter gets older is definitely something that has not changed. I wish you the best with this.
He probably wouldn't want you either.
x
In this day and age, I wouldn't do it.
Plus, it sounds like people will know since you know the bus driver. You just never know who will be lurking. I'm sorry, but I trust no one. It is worth it to pay a neighbor or someone else until the child is at least a teenager. Sorry, but my daughter is in 3rd grade, she'll be 9 in January, and I would not leave her here for an hour by herself especially if the bus driver knew it. JMO.
I wouldn't do it s/m
rather be safe than sorry. I have a third grader as well and there is no way I would let him stay home alone. He will be nine in March. I don't even leave him home alone to run to the store, which is 10 minutes away. We live in the country, but it wouldn't matter where I lived. Things happen so fast and you just never know. It isn't just about not trusting your child, but trusting others as well. What if a solicter was walking up to the house at the same time as your child? What if someone was breaking into your house as your child walked through the door (this actually happened to my neighbors! The boy was 14 and scared out of his mind. He walked into the house and ran out when he realized what was happening.)
I also have a 19, 17, almost 9 and 7 year old. I think my oldest was around 13 when I first let him stay home alone, but it was for short periods of time and we went over so many things. What to do in case of a fire, answering the door and phone, etc.
I wouldn't tell them anything.
I don't think your kids will say, "Thanks, mom! That's inspiring and enlightening. I will definitely not make the same mistakes that you made."
It's more likely that they'll someday say, "You did it, and everything turned out just fine. So why can't I?"
Well, he sure wouldn't....sm
....sleep in my bed or do his laundry with mine! :D :D
I wouldn't know....sm
I can't afford a cleaning lady on MT pay. You must have a better paying job than I do.
I would be annoyed too if my stuff got broke.
I wouldn't do it.
Something's up with this guy and you don't know what it is. This kind of thing always comes back to bite you in the butt. I think it's an odd request and he's hiding something.
|
