I was divorced, did not call myself a single parent
Posted By: How on 2008-02-14
In Reply to: were you a single parent - raising your children?
and I worked lots of jobs to make a living, not 1 red cent from the father of my son, never and I bought and made it all myself- I took them around their relatives, they always had a good home, involved in their schooling, the whole 9 yards. I am not responsible for a child turning against their mother for their love of money (the son). Others on her asking what phone call more important than my daughter, well having a phone call with an aunt who is in hospice with metastatic cancer in their late 80s.....
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Happily divorced 11 years..and still single!
Use your head first. You don't have to settle for the least worst of the two...there are other fish in the sea. :-) I found my standards were WAY too low when I married my ex-hubby. Now they are high and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve.
Divorced, never considered myself single (?) and bought my own home
years ago - the price was unbelievable, 15,500 and sold it 2 years ago for $165,000. Quite a deal huh?
were you a single parent
x
single-parent dating (sm)
I'm not sure that the length of time you have been dating is really relevant as other posters mentioned. If you feel you need to have the relationship defined, it should be and when it is, you need to decide what to do next.
It is SO hard to date when you have a child, especially a daughter that you want to raise with good morals and self esteem. In order to build a good relationship and be sure the guy likes your kid, you have to invest time and expose the child(ren) to him. If he's not *the one* then you have to repeat the process, thereby exposing you kids to men, attachments, and as far as I'm concerned, confusion on the part of the kids.
I came to this conclusion shortly after my ex and I split when my daughter was 5. I dated one guy, we broke up, and didn't date again until she was out of high school.
I also identified with a line in Jerry MacGuire; words to the effect that spending time with my kid was more fun and fulfilling than any frog or potential prince.
It's my opinion and only my opinion that we had our lives, made our decisions, had our fun, made our mistakes, brought kids into the world and they should be our focus. It's hard to focus and give full attention to a child when there is guy anxiety.
I know many have done it and have been extremely successful with merging families and doing the step-dad/mom thing. I just didn't think it was fair to gamble with my child's future... things don't always happen in real life like they do in movies...
All of this was probably of no help, but I sincerely think you do need to stop and think what is going to give you peace of mind, not necessarily happiness or instant gratification, and know that whatever does give you peace of mind will benefit your child.
Good luck, sweetie! :-)
Sadly, I work because I'm a workaholic..too many years of being a single parent..
Most days it helps keep my sanity, and quite honestly, I do have older children from another that I choose to help put through college and pay their bills until they are out of school. That is something I contribute. My husband pays for everything else and we do like cruises..and just traveling. We have a place in Hawaii and Las Vegas is one of our favorite places to go..and even then, I take my computer along and work. Nothing better than working away from home, change of scenery. My husband hasnt "worked" in probably 20 years..he owns commercial property and manages that which there is not a lot to do with. His sister and he own the property and she does the bookkeeping part leaving him with not a lot to do..but I keep him busy  . It is hard because he has always traveled and likes to go all the time..whereas I like working..The property is up for sale so I guess if it sells then I might retire..maybe..I'd probably go nuts sitting around, and even when I'm on vacation..I freak out if I am not working.. Yeah.. it's an addiction..bad.. I wonder if anyone else in this biz has the same problem. I've always worked 2-4 jobs..but the obsession has gotten worse when I started working at home..Anyone else not being able to relax and smell the roses???
Other things could be happening here. Call parent
I agree that your daughter is responsible for her phone and her charges. She should take it up with her friend and/or the friend's mother.
But you, as the adult, should also contact the other child's mother, and here's why. A lovely woman I know recently had to hospitalize her 15-year-old daughter after a suicide attempt. It's a long story, but basically, she got mixed up in an online romance. She was cut off from computer and cell phones at home, but she was working around it everywhere else. In the end, when it was all discovered, along with other things happening, this young girl tried to kill herself over the entire mess.
It could be that the girl who did the texting is not allowed to text, and this is how she worked around it. It could be a simple thing or not. Maybe she was running up text messages on her parents plan, and her parents put a stop to it. Or it could be that she's contacting someone that her parents don't want her to contact. In any case, her parents need to know that she is sending text messages. Provide them with that information. What you do about the bill is a different matter, I think.
I'll call the other kid's parent, make them pay the bill
One would assume your daughter thought the girl was just making a quick call. It is irresponsible of the other person to text on your daughters phone. I'm all for your daughter being responsible but it seems that she was totally taken advantage of and that just isn't fair.
Call the cops every single time. Don't give into bullying.
You can bet he'll get tired of being visited by the cops every few days... And cops are required to follow up on complaints, so they'll go out there, and cops are adults with neighbors too, so they know what it's like. What is wrong with some of these parents now days?!
My mom divorced him because he was ...sm
cheating with this girlfriend, and he went so far as to get dressed at night and actually go out like a teenager not coming home till midnight or so. He left my mama sitting in the recliner crying many nights. Then knowing she had to get up at 6 am for work he would wake her up to open the door for him cause he lost his key. He was very inconsiderate. That is why she divorced him.
So, since he's divorced twice, do we assume that it
Isn't there such a thing as he divorced the wives? Are you catching my drift? I guess we automatically assume it was "his" fault, and never the woman's? Just a thought. I say just take it slow, but it is so much fun to have that initial spark, and if it continues, then great. 
Unfortunately, when we divorced I was completely sm
out of my mind. It is legal because it states that he has the right to make any decision and can change his mind at any time since he has physical custody. He has been very kind in the past to allow my son to spend the entire summer with us. This will be the first summer in 7 years that we have not seen him. Plus, we send for him throughout the year during holidays and spring breaks. He can do this and can make this decision.
I could get a lawyer and amend the agreement we have, but then it will get so ugly (again) and complicated and I don't ever want to go through that ever again. He still has emotional wounds from our divorce (I've since moved on and remarried), so if he wanted to be ugly he can. What's to say my husband and I hire a lawyer in his state, go to court, and then I end up losing even the right to see my son? That can happen, especially since he has not lived with us ever. Thanks for your suggestion, though.
My parents divorced when I was 10. sm
I could write a book. My father wanted the divorce but my mother did not. As an adult I can honestly see why my father was so unhappy. At the age of 10 all I heard was my mother crying all the time. I never restented my father for the divorce, he was a much better father after the divorce. My mother had to really fight a lot of demons after the divorce but I honestly don't think the divorce was the only reason for her problems. I have been happily married for 20 years now, but my older brother is a whole nother story. His marriage lasted 14 years (13 years too long). Part of the reason she stayed was becuase of the children and he was not a great dad by any means. He had terrible anger problems and I honestly don't know if our parents divorce (he was 13 at the time) had anything to do with this. Looking back he was a bit of a bully as long as I can remember, so I don't think it was the divorce that caused his problems. It is hard to believe that we were raised by the same parents and step-mother. You don't say how old your kids are, and although I didn't want them to divorce, I do remember the screaming and yelling that took place, and that is something I just could not subject my children to. Feel free to e-mail if you want to talk.
I was divorced when my girls were 3 and 8. My
oldest daughter tells me that all she could remember was me crying and being upset all the time and how much better it was to have a calm household after we separated. They are now 18 and 13 and seem to be doing fine.
Yes to all your questions. I was divorced at SM
45, after a 27 year marriage from hades. Best thing I ever did. I have never been happier.
I have met the love of my life. The unhappy person now is the woman who had the affair with my ex-husband and is now married to him. Everyone and I mean everyone, believes I came out ahead. That's probably true, considering I got half his money.
Believe me, YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD. The best years are ahead of you. I can promise you that.
P.S. as you are divorced, it is YOU who can choose
with whom of your in-laws your children have contact.
She is in the same boat, married and divorced twice - sm
I would not make any assumptions regarding either party. Maybe his wives cheated, maybe he did, maybe no one did and they just grew apart; maybe her husband cheated, maybe she did, maybe her DHs (both of them) woke up one day and said hey I don't want to be married anymore, lots of fish in the sea. Who knows. She will find out as she gets to know him better if he is a jerk or not (i.e. if he was the root cause of his divorce or not). My DH was divorced (first marriage and hopefully only for me) and granted I know things now that I did not know then, but she did leave him and divorce him but I see some of the reasons now and know he was not totally innocent in the whole thing, but I also know there was a lot more to it. I don't think it is just one person's "fault" for a divorce, they both contribute, generally one more than the other but both people are definitely involved (it is their marriage). I say have fun, and see where it goes, just don't get all lovey dovey and become blind, try to be smart at the same time.
Because not all divorced people hate each other
They had a life together and that is a fact. My ex and I still talk, he and his first ex-wife talked and she and I are friends. They did have kids together and no I was never jealous. He cheated, we went through an ugly divorce - no kids - but had 22+ years together and so now we talk. He was my best friend for a long time and that is the part I missed. Would I marry him again -- no, is there anyting romantic - no but we do talk. So I guess it is something you will have to accept or move on. Not everyone comes out of a divorce bitter enemies. I am closer to my stepchildren than he is as their father.
yes, she and Jerry divorced but remarried....
Divorced Moms - How did you know it was time? (sm)
I am in an unhappy marriage, but I am scared to leave. I have insurance through my husband because I am an IC and I have all these fears - what if my job phases out? what if I injure my hands, what if I get sick, how will I take care of my kids. How did you know it was time?? Is it better now>
I've been divorced now for 5 years and have....sm
recently started dating, if you want to call it that. Things seem to be a lot different now when it comes to "relationships." There are 2 men that I am interested in and 1 of these men is more interested in me than the other one. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my head? They both have positives and negatives, as we all do. I just don't want to make a bad decision that I may later regret. I know this is not a lot of info but I have heard "follow your head" and I've also heard "follow your heart, no matter where the road may lead." Help!!!
Parents gettting divorced...sm
My parents are in their fifties and are getting a divorce because my dad is running around. Well she filed for divorce and he would not get out the house. He said until the divorce was final he had the right to stay, which is true actually. She can't force him to leave. At the beginnning of the divorce he agreed to give her the house and 3 acres and he would just take the other additional 7 acres. Well he has been told for months he better be finding a place to live but he refused to even look. He doesn't want to leave the house. Now the papers will be final next week and mama said you are leaving. He says he can't afford to get a place right now. She says well you have been knowing for months you should have planned ahead. She doesn't know what to do. It is like she can't get rid of him. He wants to do what he wants to do and have another woman and go out every night but he wants to live there and says how can you throw me out with nowhere to go. She said well you have had the opportunity to get a place. And he has had the money. She said he just won't get out. She could have him legally evicted and law officials make him leave but what an awful thing to have to do. But he is headset not to leave.
I would have divorced a long time ago....sm
when my husband had a drug problem. I didn't because my son told me he would not come with me but that he would choose to stay with his dad. He was around 7 years old at the time. I couldn't leave my son. So I didn't leave. He is so close to his daddy. He would pick his dad drugs and all over me any day of the week and that hurt me very bad because I have always been a good mom. So I stayed. I guess God helped me though because my husband quit using drugs miraculously later and we are doing pretty good now.
personally, I don't think that has anything to do with why people get divorced...
Marriage and having a family is sharing in the responsibilities of both taking care of the house and the kids...My husband and I both work and we both take care of the house and the kids...that way we have time to spend with our family, not one person doing chores all day, et cetera...JMO
I am a working divorced mother - I consider anyone (sm)
who works and supports their children to be a single parent. I am just saying that my children are my priority, and I cannot be giving my money to some guy. A single woman with plenty of money and no children to think of might not mind, but I do.
Please talk! Been divorced for a long time
now and I think ignoring things and lack of communication led him to other women and the rest of the story is not important. So many people I have talked to feel that just letting things go without talking let to terminal demise of their marriage. Do something before it escalates. This may have been a perfect opportunity to begin dialog.
Divorced parents college agreement?
Those of you who are divorced and have children......how did you agree (or how would you agree) to pay for your child's college education? can you please share with me how your agreement is worded in your contract....if you do not want to respond to this post please email me....I am needing help ASAP!!! Thanks in advance....
I am divorced and now on good terms with MIL, but not while we were married! sm
She was very critical, called me every name in the book and kept telling her son I was no good that he belonged in the home I could not PROVIDE FOR HIM, as in the home they could. Umm last time I checked he was an adult too and we were to make a home TOGETHER.
I can remember being sent to the hospital with preterm labor with my daughter. I was scared, I had had to drive my sons to my mom's and then myself to the hospital. My doctor was furious with him. Why did I have to do that? Because SHE needed to go to the doctor about her 'rrhoids and her rear end was more important than OUR unborn child!!! Oh and he could have been available sooner, but she wanted to go shoe shopping. She was truly the other woman in my marriage and when anything happened where I truly needed him, he was with her...shopping, taking her to the doctor, driving her to the dentist. He eventually lost a job because all of that. He didn't learn and continued until he finally has not had a full time job since.
What finally bridged the gap was our divorce. He didn't see his kids or pay support because he didn't feel he should have to. BUT I never kept my kids from her, she is their grandmother and they are her only grandchildren. She never forgot a birthday or Christmas and she didn't play favorites like my mom did. I respected her for what I felt was her important role in their lives and she grew to respect me for my that.
What finally did it is the fact that my ex up and remarried. The gal he married has many documented mental health issues (I saw the report her ex had on her, but that is a long story). My MIL tried with wife #2, she really did. Finally, just about the time they married, this gal threatened my MIL's life and hit her in the face hard enough to knock her down! This was done in front of my oldest son and my MIL's boyfriend at the time (FIL had passed on).
From that day on, I was welcome in her home anytime and "that woman" was not. I suddenly became the nicest of her 3 DILs and she told me that herself. Although the kids are grown and I have moved out of state, I send her birthday and Mother's Day cards. I know she regrets the things she said and did, she told me that too. I told her that stuff was all in the past and what really mattered is the here and now.
If your mom and dad just divorced this year, have you ever thought of depression? sm
Maybe your dad is going through a real hard adjustment to his new life and could use a little help or boost from you instead of a cold shoulder. Sounds to me like he might just be in some major depression as his life has had a drastic change. Reach out to him and help him in his time of need. Sure he is an adult, but everyone can walk on hard times with major traumatic events going on in their life and he may just lack desire to care due to his depression.
its better to raise kids in a happy divorced home
Sounds likea control freak and a doormat. Friend of mine just divorced after 23 yrs of being the
s
No! Not if you are not their parent! (sm)
I think that it is better for the parents to tell the children from the very beginning that they were "chosen" and tell them how much they were wanted and how much they are loved. Since they didn't do that, it certainly is no one else's place to do so! If someone slips and the kids go and ask the parents, that's one thing, but for someone else to sit them down and tell them behind the parents' back would be really, really traumatic for them and very wrong!! Please don't do it!!
i am not even a parent, but
i have been blown away by the violent video games, trashy clothes and rude behavior of children and the parents who allow this. kudos to you! what you are doing is wonderful. keep it up.
I am a parent and it seems to me...
that if there are no consequences for her actions, she will more likely do whatever she wants in the future, not think about it and do the right thing. In the real world, she will have to do what superiors tell her to do, or there will be consequences. I think that it is a parent's responsibility to prepare children for that. Of course, I assume that this is an active parent who already speaks to her child and knows what is going on. I believe in obtrusive parenting.
And it should be...why should one parent
bear the brunt of all expenses. It is not too much to ask for the other parent to chip in.
Did you ever think maybe NEITHER parent
Nobody is guaranteed that their parent HAS to pay for their college. It is an option, not a requirement by law. However, if the child got a job and is putting themselves through school, and NEITHER parent is contributing, in Indiana, even if the child is away at school but uses the custodial parent's address as the place they go when school is on break, non-custodial is still forced to pay child support to custodial.
IMO custodial parent should lose that title AND child support when child reaches legal adult age of 18. Then if child support MUST be continued by law merely because child is a student, it should be paid directly to the 18+ year old adult!!!!
Your doctor says this, but you are the parent
and you are going on the theory that she will not become sexually active nor show up with sexually transmitted diseases up to the age of 17. That is your responsibility, not the physicians to choose or not. There are a lot of girls sexually active way before 17 What makes you think your daughter is different?
I think depends a lot on the parent.
My mom does nothing but preach about how horrible girls are and how she wishes that she had only boys. (I am her only daughter, so imagine how that makes me feel.) Let's compare my teen years with my brother's. Me: Straight A student, preferred books to running with friends, worked from age 14, saved my money, bought my own clothes, received scholarships and paid my way through college. Brother: Drugs, parties, bad grades, skipped school, finally quit and joined army and cursed mom out as he left home. Beyond the teen years, I've been married 23 years to a wonderful man, have three great kids (boys). Brother has three ex-wives and who knows how many children. Oh! And the cherry on this sundae... when I was 16, my brother tried to kill me. Beat me nearly half to death, choked me and police came to take him away. Still, in mom's eyes, he can do no wrong and girls are all evil.
OK. Just a little vent. We all need one now and then.
Noncustodial Parent
Children pay dearly when adults act like this. They need their mom, dad, grandparents, and family members in their lives on a REGULAR basis. Withholding visitation for any reason will come back to haunt the custodial parent one day ... and their children will pay the price.
As a parent of an adopted
child, I would definitely say the answer is 'no" and it is for this very reason that my husband and I have from the beginning talked to our son about the fact that he is special because he is adopted - we wanted to be the ones to tell him the truth rather than him hear it from someone else. This is definitely something that the parents should do and should do so when they feel comfortable talking about it with their children...My son is 6 and he knows he is adopted. He understands that he came from someone elses belly (he's my heart baby as we have told him. We answer his questions when he asks them and tell him just want he asked for - divulging nothing else to confuse him - take for instance at 4 is when he noticed my SIL's pregnant belly and knew the baby was there - he at that point put 2-n-2 together and realized something was up - which prompted us to talk about him being from someone else's belly. Then a few months ago he asked about this other person - why she didn't keep him, what was her name....(yes we were very surprised as our social worker said little boys are usually much older before they really inquire!)...but we answered his questions reinforcing the positives of being adopted because he had brought us so much happiness and that this other woman did love him enough to know she couldn't raise him and loved him enough to give him to us -making us a family! Sorry for rambling....adoption issues usually get me on a soap box sometimes!! Either way the answer to your question is definitely not your place to tell - leave it up to the parents.
Need some advice whether you are a parent or not
Sorry that this is a bit long....One of the doctors I work for is also my step-uncle. He is my step-mother's (been married to my dad for 29 years) brother. He is an ENT doctor and goes to Africa a couple of times a year to do cleft lip and palate surgeries. Each trip is 2 weeks long and has been put together by my uncle and a couple of other christian doctors to also bring the message of christ to the patients and their families. Well, my uncle just called me to tell me they are working on the trip for July of next year and would like to add my son to the team. He will be 17 by then and getting ready to start his senior year in high school. I have often talked about my son on this board and always said he was very responsible for his age. My son, my DH and my uncle have discussed this in the past and my son really wants to do this. He is defintely planning on going into medicine and is a strong christian. I know this is a chance of a lifetime but I can't help but worry if letting him go is the right thing to do. Normally if anyone under 18 goes they have to have a parent with them but my uncle will be his legal guardian for the trip since they can only take a limited number of people.
Here is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time with the decision. My son was at VA Tech on a high school field trip the day of the shootings and this is where he plans on attending college. Since then I have kept a bit of a tighter grip on him. I know he would be devestated if we said no (actucally my DH is all for the trip). Has anyone had any experience similar to this or any opinions on my situation? Thanks.
Another Husky parent!
Wow! A lot of you guys have this breed of dog! They sure are gorgeous! Who is the brown "dude" in the lower left corner trying to sneak in on the shot? Too cute! :)
I have right to my opinion, same as you. Parent job
x
Do think being parent alone protects someone from
x
any parent who ever let their kid idolize her should be.....
nm
Please tell me I am not the only parent to feel this way
I am a mother of 3 children a boy 18, a girl 11, and a boy 5. In my home, driving is not a right of passage, it is a privilege. You must obey house rules, keep your grades up, and you have to purchase your own vehicle. You must also have a job to pay for insurance and gas, as we are not a bank or an ATM machine at your disposal. If you cannot follow the above, umm sorry 'bout your luck!
Am I the only parent out there with children that sees no point in cell phones for kids, especially for the younger ones. I swear most of the kids my daughter's age DO have one and she is 11. Am I one of the few who monitors what their children watch on TV? Am I the only parent that makes their children earn time for video games and then has a set time limit for it when they do get to play? Am I the only mother in the world who thinks its horrible to let your daughter run around in clothing with words across the behind?? Seriously who do you think is looking at this and why do you want to draw attention to your child's rear end? Ooohhh ya and all the parents who sign their kids up for little league things and dump and run. These practices and events are not free babysitting!!! I honestly know of a few mothers that take their daughters to gymnastics and leave them there and go down to the bar and grill and have a few drinks while they wait for their kids!
Okay, so I know it sounds like I am whining, but I have had enough! I am tired of being told by other parents that I am a prude, I need to catch up to the times, and the one I hate most of all is "our kids need us to be their friends"! I have a responsibility to my children to RAISE them.
My children and I all have good relationships. We talk about everything under the sun. They come to me with most of their troubles or questions and know they have nothing to fear, I will hear anything and answer them openly and honestly.
That can be done without letting the "tail wag the dog" so to speak. Are ppl to busy or so self-absorbed anymore to take the time to raise their children?
Not a grandmother but parent myself
Well maybe you were a little defensive then and not resentful but reading your post it sounded like the things you do with/for your kids were more like chores instead of things you chose to do. I am not a grandparent but still a parent as both my sons still live at home as they go to college. I see too many people who just leave their kids to fend for themselves, 2-3 nights every week and every weekend during hockey season and other sports seasons...sorry if I offended you but that's the way you came off.
I see nothing wrong with asking your parent
This was my father and I was his next of kin. You try to make it sound dramatic as if he were dying. He was in excellent health with no medical issues at all. He had no other family members except for grandchildren, nieces and nephews. No wife, no siblings. I asked if I outlived him could I have the property. He lived out of state. When I asked him he did a quick deed, I paid for all insurance on the property as well as property taxes for about 4 years prior to his getting killed in an accidental death. I only wish I had asked my mother prior to her death (being as I was her only living child) if I could have had her personal belongings. I did not get those and should have. I learned when she died not to hold back if you want something. Now really, how would you feel if you were an only child and was bypassed with things that rightfully should be yours in the first place. Even in a court of law, a child comes first before others in who gets what when it comes to things like this. Don’t get on your soap box.
No one except a parent can understand, eh??!! sm
Ridiculous, with just a hint of "gotta-belong-to-my-club" elitism tossed in. Any sentient and compassionate human being can understand the issues, perhaps even better than someone whose judgment is emotionally clouded, and including the travesty that false hope and half-truths cause every day in the medical industry. (Hint: Go stand at the Mexican border where you can collect the sad stories.)
Please re-read my post. I did not suggest that ESC research should not go forward. I was merely giving the rest of the facts about the dismal history and science of ESC research so far that Obama so conveniently omitted, and saying that we need to do this with protections for embryos in place.
I was just giving you the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey used to say. I'm sorry if it's an "inconvenient truth", and despite my reservations, I do wish the very best for your child just as I do for the unborn embryos now at increased risk.
You don’t seem to be a strong parent
With teenage drinking, driving and the like, why even take the chance of having a diaster in the making waiting around the corner. I just do not see my ever wimping out to my child's father or anyone else for that matter. I guess you don’t want to look like the bad guy but here I think you really do.
Glad you recognize it's the PARENT here
and not this CHILD who is probably miserable being the way he is!
You MAY have tried everything possible not to ostracize him (without jeopardizing your kids' safety) but consider if there is a way to HELP him - he is probably desparate for the RIGHT kind of attention.
Think about it. and consider what type of ADULT he might turn out to be if no NORMAL adults try to help him.
Just the weight issue alone is a sign this family is in trouble.
GOOD luck.
Isn't that sad? And touch & parent's voices are
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