I understand your fear! I have three sons between
Posted By: sm on 2007-08-30
In Reply to: My 19-year-old daughter wants to join the Army. I'm very scared at the thought. Any advice out th - Scared mom
17 and 20 years old. Now and then they talk about enlisting, and of course I worry about the draft. For selfish reasons, I want them always to stay close to home, where it seems to be safe. But it's a very high calling to serve one's country, and I would support that decision if my sons decided upon it. If the draft were brought back, I'd be terrified. I do not support this war. I don't think it was the right thing to do. But I do support the people who serve and respect their decisions and am incredibly grateful to them for their sacrifices. I will also continue to support them by doing whatever I can, small though it may be, to help bring them home AND keep peace for us all. I wish it were a simple thing.
As for our children, the fact is, once they are 18, they can make the decision to join without our consent. Talk to each other, love her and appreciate her. If she decides to serve her country, you do not want to part in anger, and trust me, you will want to support her in any way you can.
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My sons are 18 and 20.
One lives at college and the other is living at home while attending college. When they were both at home and under 18 I had the same rules as you, basically. During the week, except for their activity obligations of school, sports, scouts, they didn't do any "hang out" time. It did help that their high school was in the next county, and most of their school friends lived some distance away. When girlfriends came along, life was a little different. My oldest dated a girl who lived down the street. My youngest dated a girl who lived a good 30-minute drive away. Lucky for me, their parents had the same rules for hanging out. It was pretty much weekends only. My boys accepted it all in stride. But I have to say that I've been pretty strict about their attitude all of their lives. Since they first began to speak, they learned not to give attitude to their parents. In return, we always treated them with respect. The few times that they did raise their voices as teenagers, our conversation came to an end, and their requests were denied with no chance for a reversal of that decision. Worked nicely. But, again, I have to say we were very lucky in that most of their friends weren't right in our neighborhood and their girlfriends had the same rules.
The payoff is that now as responsible young adults, they've developed a good work ethic. Even my son living at college does well managing his free time, and will be an RA in his dorm next year, partly because he's shown maturity and isn't goofing off at college. (And I'm glad not to have to pay all of the room and board! Hooray!)
Sons
Boy this is sounding real familiar. I have a son who is a lot like yours. He is 16, very smart, but no motivation or willingness to work for good grades. I have wondered if part of his problem was that school came too easy for him in the early grades. He never had to study for spelling tests, etc. Now that he is in high school, he doesn't have the habit of studying. It is almost as though he doesn't even think about it. When I remind him that he has a test, he will study for a few minutes and get an A or B. If he really works at it, he can Ace the test. He doesn't really think grades are all that important. (I was used to my daughter's straight As and am trying to refrain from comparing the two kids.) I'm looking for ways to motivate him, and so far a lot of positive reinforcement is starting to help. Maybe visiting with the school counselor would help. My son is also looking for a job--I think he has too much time on his hands! The more time they have, the less they get done. Good luck.
Sons in Military - Thank You
Thanks, next time I hear from either one of my children, I'll ask them about this. I wonder why the military just doesn't supply them with it ????? Thanks so much.
Both of my sons are in college now.
It's very easy to become overwhelmed quickly during the search. My husband and I approached the process a little differently. We didn't do anything like the other parents and high school juniors/seniors were doing. We did pretty much... well nothing. We let our kids lead in the process. We didn't even look at the applications unless our sons asked us to. We felt that our job was to guide them and to keep them from getting caught up in the college search mania that seems to grip everyone during those last two years in high school.
My husband and I went to the same, very large university (Temple U). Back all those years ago, it just seemed that there wasn't quite so much pressure on kids and parents when it came to college searches. We both chose Temple because it offered degree programs that we wanted and that we could afford. The campus wasn't pretty and it was a commuter school then, which meant that the "college experience" for us was living at home and going to school. College was more of a practical work-and-study experience for us. And we received very good educations.
Fast forward to our own children. We told both of our sons that they should think of their college experience as the preliminary work for their careers. They didn't look at it as a means to move away from home or be on their own. (No college student is really on their own when living in a dorm, anyway.) They needed to determine what area they were interested in studying and then choose a school that offered a good program and that we could afford. The affordability factor was a big one for us. No one wants to have huge loans at the end of this "experience".
Our oldest son was not quite sure what he wanted to do, so he wisely chose to spend a year at the local community college. We were thrilled! It cost us less than his high school tuition! He checked out different options and settled on a meteorology major. With that decided, he discovered that there was only one school that we could afford and that had a great program. He applied, was accepted, and his community college credits transferred. He is now a junior.
Our younger son wants to be an engineer, though he's not sure what kind of an engineer. He is leaning towards civil engineering. He decided to live at home to save money. That narrowed his decision down to just two schools, Drexel and Temple, both a short train ride from our home. He applied to only those two schools, was accepted at both, and received decent scholarship offers from both. In the end, Temple was far more affordable, and so now our youngest walks the campus of our alma mater. Our friends and neighbors were shocked that our oldest applied to just one school, and our youngest applied to just two. They were amazed that we weren't on constant campus tours or worried about "options" and "fits".
Why such a long post that seems a bit off-topic? Well, because I see so many people stress over this decision. It really isn't the end of the world. It's four short years of a person's life. They're important years, to be sure. But they don't have to be make or break years. Most college students will change majors at some point, many will transfer to other schools. These decisions can be re-made later on. You are in the market for a product, just as if you were shopping for a car or other big ticket item. Try to keep calm about it so that your student doesn't pick up on the stress. It is stressful, but if you keep it all in perspective, the stress doesn't have to feel so overwhelming.
And for the short answer: We liked visiting the schools at open house to get a general feel for the place. At that point you can usually tell if the school is a viable option or not. If not, no reason to revisit. If yes, then visit again and make an appointment for a personal tour and/or interview.
Don't worry! You'll survive!
We only buy for our two sons, and they are older.
The youngest (18) wants a decent digital camera, so I think about $250 to $300 range plus some stocking stuffers. Oldest son is easily pleased. He's big into hats, and I bought him a leather "Indiana Jones" style hat, and a book so far. We may round out his gifts with cash, since he's a starving college student. Husband and I do not exchange gifts. My birthday is the day after Christmas, and that is just dinner out for the two of us. Our 24th anniversary is in January, and I already know that I want to get him an iPod. His 50th birthday is in April, and I would love to have a party for him. I'm definitely saving up for that, but it will be a relaxed party.
While are Christmas will be fairly simple, looking ahead, I'm trying to budget for some other things.
Trained my sons to help sm
Since I was a working mom, I always told my sons to expect to help around the house. They didn't do it for me that often, but now that they're married, they cook, iron, babysit and go to the market without complaining. I think I did a good job. My husband also helped around the house, so they had a good example of what it takes to make it work when mom has to work. Whether you pay someone to help or ask for help around the house, it doesn't matter. I could not have offered my kids a college education if I did not work and save for it. Some men think it demasculinizes them and that's sad. I also shoveled snow,did what I could to help without gender bias if no one else was home. I did not feel strange doing what I could to help my husband either, as long as I could lift it, I did it. It takes a village. I used to sew, but I was lousy at it and that's why I quit. I never felt like what I did was good enough and wouldn't wear it. Curtains and drapes were okay but now you can buy them cheaper than what the material costs. Just IMHO.
Prayers for your sons and all our soldiers! nm
!
LOL! Love it! Thanks. I'll be using this on my 3 sons! nm
///
My sons have been in Scouts for some time now...sm
My youngest (11 years old) was in Cub Scouts for about 3 years and crossed over into a newly chartered troop. My oldest son (17 years old) joined the troop also, mostly out of necessity (we needed his warm body in order to have enough boys to charter). My youngest loves it and my oldest is kind of lukewarm about it. I have also been a leader at the pack, troop, district and council level for over 4 years now. We are basically a scouting family and love it.
With that said, however, I will say that scouting is not for everyone, and everyone does not get out of scouting what is there for them to learn simply because everyone is not interested in learning those things or because of poor leadership within the scouting unit. In your case, it sounds to me as if the latter may be true.
You didn't say how old your son is or how long he has been in scouting, but it sounds to me like he has a very poor leader if he makes them camp this way. Some overly self-glorified scout leaders try to turn scouting into junior Army training which is not what it is meant to be. If there is another pack or troop in the area, you might consider changing and see if that improves his scouting experience by a new leader and better camping conditions. When we camp, each boy has his own tent (can be bought at Walmart for about $15) and we always have a campfire in a designated fire ring that burns pretty much all night. Each boy is safely enclosed in his own tent that zips up which greatly reduces the chances of spiders, snakes, bugs, etc. Of course the boys have to be trained to keep their tent flaps zipped closed at all times so that nothing gets in.
My advice from a scouter's viewpoint is to talk to your son and then you and your son and husband talk to the scout leader and see what can be done to improve the scouting experience for your son as well as the other boys in the unit. If the leader does not want to chanage his ways to more closely follow the scouting ideals, then find another troop or pack to join. Sounds like there is a LOT of room for improvement here.
Here is a link that may help, too. http://netcommish.com/askandy.asp
Those total sons of you-know-whats.
My situation was not QUITE the same.... It turned out I was the other woman; the guy I was dating and thought I was exclusive with turned out to have a fiance he didn't bother to tell me about. Looking back, there were a few hinky things I should have noticed, but they weren't the usual things, so I was thrown off my guard.
I do have a very good male friend whom I call my adopted big brother. (He's married, has been for decades, and his wife is aware that we are friends/business associates.) I asked him flat-out why men cheat, and he said (a) because they can, and (b) the thrill of the chase, or some bullhockey like that, that we testosterone-deficient females can't seem to understand, I guess. He also bluntly told me that I probably was not the only one, i.e. the only "other woman." I would not be surprised if that were true, but I never actually found out, since the SOB (and I do NOT mean 'short of breath') married the fiance and left town.
My best friend put it rather succinctly, when we were discussing another topic:
Men don't change, and women just learn to be abused gracefully. (Because this too is a form of abuse.)
My sons both learned that lesson the hard way
One had 1200 text messages in a month (I pay for 300) and the other did the same download thing. I wish there was some way you could block their phones after a certain amount of $$. Needless to say, both had a nice chunk of money to pay mom back.
Mary, I offer my prayers for the safety of your sons. SM
I thought brothers could not be in battle zones at the same time. Did they choose to?
Deeni, I respect your opinion, but I held both my sons during circumcision......sm
my dirtly little secret, I used to be an LPN and CMA, used to surgical technology. It takes seconds, and while I had silent tears and I worried and fretted, but they were fine, and Nola is not misinformed here, being in clinical practice for years, and working for general surgeons, I saw many men, some in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, who had infection after infection because they could not retract the foreskin the right way, phimosis is painful and can become precancerous, and yes, we had some gentlemen with penile cancer. As I said, I was able to snuggle and nurse my baby boys both times right after circumcision, no problems. Men's anatomy is so different (!!!!) from female's (duh), so you cannot compare the unsterile, crude labial circimcisions done in third world countries with what is done in hospital for our baby boys. Anatomy just dictates this. I was so glad when my daughter was born, it was not even anything to worry about!
This is my fear also . . .
10-15 years from now they will find some horrible side effect.
re: fear
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121:5-8
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
re: fear
Fear is a tool that satan uses to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do. It is also actually sin cause it shows our lack of trust in the Lord. I'm not saying it will be easy to let him go, just that God will comfort you when you trust in Him....
Lovin Jesus,
Jan
why fear it when you won't know it??
:) I am about to turn 28 and I am already losing mine... I know I'm going to get Alzheimer's and that makes me SAD (SUPER sad), but im not afraid of it...
a little fear
can be a good thing, like pain...it tells you something is wrong.
There's a book called "The Gift of Fear," written by Gavin DeBecker. This is from the book jacket: "True fear is often a signal that can save your life. Are you listening?..." This is from the publisher of the book: "Through dozens of compelling examples from his own career, security expert Gavin deBecker teaches readers how to read the signs of impending danger by using their most basic--but often most discouraged--survival skill: intuition. This book provides a unique combination of practical guidance on leading a safer life and profound insight into human behavior."
BTW, I've read that one of the worst things women do (I'm totally guilty of this) is to sit in the car after coming from the store or post office or wherever, reading mail & balancing checkbooks while sitting in a parked car...perfect opportunity for some slimeball.
You did the right thing: Trusted your gut.
d.
If no fear, then what exactly is there to be 'against'?
X
I bet then he sensed his fear
Dogs can sense that a mile away. I know mine can. whenever anyone comes over that is nervous about dogs, the dogs wanna hang all over them and like double sniff them. LOL
my worst fear right now is that even
if I have cash in my hand, it will be worthless, and might as well use it as TP.
not one single fear
zero, zip, zilch, nada...
we are born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. the rest we create or obtain on our own later in life. me: none, other than the two i was born with.
I got married out of fear. Then (sm)
I stayed married out of fear. Then he bought me a GPS and now I'm adventurous. Not being able to navigate was one of my biggest fears. Another fear was not having money. The way he spent our money, we never had any anyway.
that has always been a fear of mine..
that I would spill the grape juice or something.. I always feel like I'm soooo shaky with those little glasses..
your fear should not hold him back.
I understand your feelings, but this seems like a completely reasonable and good trip being planned, one that could mold his mind/heart for his future. Your son could make a very positive difference in many others lives. If you haven't already, learn to trust God.
I think that's probably a common and rational fear (sm)
I can't stand it and I imagine most people, especially females, but also males, don't like it either.
Fear, not respect. It's not the same thing.
And the fear only lasts until they are bigger than you are and can hit back. You'll probably be surprised when that happens and can't imagine where it came from, but you're the one who taught them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. Some other things it teaches are that it's OK to pick on/bully/hit anyone smaller than you who can't defend themselves in order to get what you want and that once you're an adult, anything goes.
Think about it. You spank a kid for hitting a sibling while telling him it's not nice to hit. You break the hair brush/ruler while paddling your kid for breaking something but you suffer no consequences for breaking something. What you get is confusion and fear, but not respect. Maybe the kid turns out OK; after all, there are other influences in his life. Maybe he doesn't. And if he doesn't, I hope he doesn't have a gun.
Phobia means fear.
Everybody throws around the word homophobia, but that is not the right word. People who are against homosexuality are not afraid of it. They think it is wrong. It's just annoying to keep seeing this word used in this way.
Ain't no way on this earth I am going to live in fear
You all are really lacking a lot to have this man rule your lives. If you were a man I would tell you to man up but both of you lack a backbone.
I finished Harry Potter! Never fear - no spoiler.
Wow - what a great book & series. Brilliant! As Ron would say.
I would rather have my door open on a nice day, then live in fear...
That is not a way to live your life...and that is not living in la-la land...
spanking builds fear that you mistake as respect
A child who has been abandoned by both parents has no trust in anyone. Why do you think spanking is the right way to build trust? We just need to agree to disagree on this issue. I trust the counselor's recommendations more than yours as hers have proven to work. Spanking does not _make_ ALL kids do good. Sigh.
Life is too short to live it in fear. I'd rather sleep in my car -sm
than with someone who mistreated me either physically, OR 'just' psychologically. And even if the kids don't actually see anything happening, you better believe they're still picking up on the bad vibes.
The fact that he mentions killing HIMSELF, in addition to you, is a major red flag. If a person reaches a point where they actually talk about doing something, they're alot closer to doing it than when they were just thinking it to themselves.
Guns in the house. (Guns, pleural!) Not good. I'd have insisted those be gone before the wedding day, myself. (Haha - it'd be in the prenuptial agreement that I'd never get married without!)
Anyway, living in fear for the sake of the greater financial 'security' of having 2 incomes is no security at all, in my book. It's a huge sacrifice of your freedom, peace of mind, & safety. The greatest security you can give yourself or the kids is finding a way to provide for yourselves WITHOUT the 'help' of an abuser.
I agree with Kendra, if you fear he would be physicall abusive - (sm)
then you need to be away from him. He is just your boyfriend, right? Not even your husband. I left a marriage recently from an abusive husband. He "only" beat me physically once, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive at other times AND he looked at young lesbian porn online. If I ever start dating someone and I get even a hint that they could ever become physically abusive to me I will run from that relationship so fast your head would spin. Please get away from him!! Dont even deal with it another day.
Yeah that's my fear. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but (sm)
I don't want to be a dummy either
Please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It can save your life. NM
x
i understand
I have just become single again and have 2 kids. What I believe is that obviously we have spent so many years doing "kid stuff", going to the grocery, errands, etc. that we have a hard time hooking up with single guys because we lose sight of who we are beyond mom, household manager, etc. Try to remember or imagine what you would be doing if you didn't have kids and resosibilities or had time to do it. Whether it is rafting, reading and discussing things, being at a college class, hiking or some particular sport or interest(chess club, rock climbing, etc) you HAVE to make an effort to do these things, even if it constrained by time and $$hook up with a free group and devote a few hours a week to it. THEN eventually you'll be in the place to meet the person you would hang out with even if you weren't a mom.
"
I understand....
I worked away from home until just recently. The pressures to "donate" are horrible. My friend and I finally decided that we would allocate "X" amount of dollars for giving, once gone, the well was dry. Saying "NO" is not easy, and the repayment of debt falls in your lap.
You are probably more talented than you realize. Be creative if you work from home. Work hours while the children are asleep, or see if you can work split shifts to accomodate your children's schedule.
If you are unable to pay back on the taxes you owe right away, just attach a signed letter with your tax papers requesting a payment plan. You can set it up to reflect a reasonable monthly payment, include the first payment, and the IRS will work with you.
If you are incurring (sp?) debt, make sure that it is for something useful that is going to last for a while.
I understand what you are saying, but
I don't have a husband or significant other either, and when I did I still took out the trash, mowed the lawn, and what is snuggling? When the lump on the sofa was asked to leave, the only thing I missed was having to tell him to move to the other side.
I understand what you are saying, but did --sm
you read my post at all? How can one make *good food choices* when the govt. makes that impossible to do? I eat all organic these days, when ever possible. I eat lean red meat once a week. I eat a lot of veggies and fruits and try to find something that does not have HFCS in it...which is terribly difficult to do. It is a losing battle when all the cards are stacked against you. My vice is not food or overeating. My vice is what the govt inflicts on unsuspecting and disbelieving people who think that obesity is a choice...it isn't. and neither is diabetes or hypothyroidism. Good food choices do NOT override this condition. This condition was inflicted on me by money grubbing *professionals* who have their heads where the sun don't shine. If you think todays doctors and pharmaceuticals have our best interests at heart, you are an ostrich. Research it and do not *assume* that being overweight is a choice. it isn't. and simply making *good food choices* is not going to change that fact. JMO
He may not really understand what an IC is--sm
and he is concerned about future income, but really all he needs to be concerned with would be your income tax statement from last year. Personally I don't think he should need that type of letter, just proof of income, which would be tax statement. that is all. JMO
don't understand
If you bought a certain piece of furniture why is bidding involved and why does it have to be done on courthouse steps in the public and all that? By all means, do what the law says -- sure sounds like they're on your side. But getting a news station involved isn't a bad idea either. These people sound like crooks and the public needs to know. Even just a friend with a video camera to send a film of it all into a station with the hopes of a reporter followup to keep others from being tricked too. And I sure think you should get something for mental pain and aggravation and loss of interest on your money. 
From what I understand
nobody was "demanding" anything, they were making do just fine with the sinks. This was done because people complained about the sinks being used for this purpose. I guess I just don't get what the big deal is.
People are so afraid that immigrants are going to somehow take over the country, its like this big "us versus them" mentality- its just silly. What, are you worried that they will do what WE did when we "discovered" America to begin with? You know, we are all immigrants here when you think about it.
I understand about all that too
but they found no reason for my miscarriage and knowing all that still didn't help the pain or grief of losing the babies after trying for so long, and everybody doesn't just get pregnant again right after. I didn't. I was just blessed that God gave them to me in a diffent way
I do not understand what you mean?
A bite itself itches, you can scratch an itch but you cannot itch an itch. I would think that is a backwoodsy type statement if you said it.
I just don't understand this
First, my husband would not dare do this to me or my kids. This man obviously has no respect for anybody. And that is what I would tell your daughter's friend's parents, along with if it keeps up you'll divorce him! And I'd tell him the same exact thing. But if mine did this just once, I can assure you it would not happen again, after I got through with him.
What most of you do not understand
being as you are young and are able to work from home, years ago, well gosh as early as the early 90s, if I wanted a job and I had to have to raise children (not a single mother, a divorced woman) we had to work outside the house, did not have a choice. I am so very glad my kids are not in the toddler, preteen or teen years. The ones I see now are awful. Just in one of those box stores last night and I heard screaming, could tell not just 1 but several kids and finally here comes the mothers pushing and pulling several different ages of children along and the mothers, I guess, thought it was really cute that their kids could scream and act out like they were doing, the mothers actually smiling. Thank goodness, no more rug rats to raise.
You still don't understand. (sm)
A narcicist is not capable of being a friend. Divorcing him will be an insult to him and he will want to prove it is all your fault. Therefore you need a good lawyer to see if he can build a case to show that he is so bad for you and your children than he does not deserve visitation. You are going to need evidence, I'm sure.
Don't trust your own judgement the next time you are considering marriage - get a psychiatrist to evaluate any future husband for your own protection. You and your kids have been through enough, and I've read a lot of cases of women marrying the same type over and over again.
I understand
You have to feel that you've done everything possible to make your marriage work, so that if and when you decide to separate, it will be with the knowledge that there really isn't any other alternative for you.
The fact that your husband got excited about having a second chance is a good sign. Just don't let him slip back into his old ways. If he makes one demeaning remark to you, stop him cold in his tracks and tell him, "No more if you want this marriage to continue."
Be firm, be steady, and good luck!
I understand
But look what happened during Prohibition. And look at the availability of illegal drugs. It's a nice thought, but I don't think it would work. 
I don't really understand.............
I just know nothing would keep my mom from her grandchildren, even if she stopped speaking to her children and their spouses completely.
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