I tried hard for years - never good enough (sm)
Posted By: Butter and clutter on 2007-07-30
In Reply to: Take your share and go?? - Why doesnt he take his - share and go? - What about the kids.
I don't have the desire to try to do any of those things for him because he doesn't care what I want, doesn't care where I want to live, etc. He wants it to all be his way and I am supposed to just do it his way with a smile on my face. As far as him leaving, he is never going to leave this house. He loves it. I have asked him for us all to move for years and he refuses. I think a big part of my problem is disillusionment. I just have no motivation to get better organized or lose weight because it never seems to be good enough.
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Way to go. I know it is hard, did it about 12 years ago (sm)
now my husband who was a die-hard smoker has gone 2 months without.
He finds it great that now when we go anywhere he can relax and not worry about the next location he can light up.
Thoughts are with you. It's a tough fight but you can do it.
A good doctor is hard to find.
I found a good doctor in Cleveland, Ohio. He was never in a hurry. He always retook my blood pressure. He would read my chart from the last visit and talk to me about issues I had then. He would always come up to me and say "Hello, how are you doing," and shake my hand. When I cried (when my granddaughter died), he held my hand and comforted me. The bad news, I moved 2 months ago to Oklahoma. I bet I will not find another one like him here. There are some good doctors....just not enough of them.
it is hard plastic, good suggestion, will give it a try, NM
z
maybe those 3 years will do some good...
x
That's good to know, in 25 years of raising
show cats,I have never seen stud tail in a neuter, but then it could just be my breed.
I have been on Klonopin for many years. I take it at night. It is a good med for me.
I am VERY anxiety prone. Full blown panic attacks are dreadful and wipe you out for the rest of the day and night. Dealing with the root cause of your panic attacks is key to getting better. For me, the death of my grandma who I was very close to me followed by a car accident where a woman purposely jumped out in front of my car trying to commit suicide is what triggered it. I went through counseling, which helped a lot, but I am still quite anxiety prone and so I take medication to help with that. I'm not a depressed person, it's different. Not everyone who is anxiety prone is depressed.
Glitter is GOOD! I'm [ahem] 'up there' in years and
(And I've been known to have a pink or purple streak or two in my hair, as well!)
;D
Kids do want to fit in with the other kids, and often that means wearing clothes, hair or makeup that is meant to shock us older folks - something we would (almost) never want to copy, so they can have their own culture.
Teens can get away with lots of stuff that we can't, as well. They say if you're old enough to remember wearing red lipstick in the past, you're too old to wear it now. That seems to be true... after 30 I started to gravitate to the pinks & the lip gloss, instead of darker shades.
As for eyeliner, the youngsters can get away with lining the lower lids, but on the over-30's like me, unless it's done so discreetly as to be nearly invisible, it looks scary. (Remember Tammy-Faye?) But heavy under-eye makeup is pretty in with the teens nowadays. Singer Avril Lavigne looks cute with that 'applied-with-a-trowel' look to her mascara, but on most of us it would look creepy.
Also, for some reason you tend to see heavier eye makeup in the Midwest than on the West Coast. So it can be a regional thing, as well.
There are good teen fashion magazines out there that show how to apply makeup; maybe you could get her a subscription to one as a gift.
Other than that, I see no problem with letting kids be themselves and experiment with their look.
Thank you, good ideas,but after29 years, I guess I am searching for something new..sm
Can the masseuse be a guy???
:-) I'm insecure!
Both my mom and aunt have had very good success with it. My mom, smoker for over 40 years, quit cold
turkey and says Chantix is the best drug out there - she tried everything!
I see that there are mixed feelings about this drug as with all drugs. Works for some and doesn't work that well with others. Sorry to hear about their experience!
My husband is 7.5 years younger. Been together almost 20 happy years...nm
nm
My feelings; people shacking up together for years and years
and then all of a sudden deciding to get married don't need a thing, obviously. A shower should not even be given. I lived with my now husband a while (nowadays who doesn't!) before we married and I also had been married before years ago but he was not....so of course HIS mom wanted a shower. I told her absolutely not unless it was just the immediate family, his mom, sisters, etc, more like a celebration/get together. And so that's what we did. Showers are tacky, period. Unless it's a couple of young kids getting married straight out of the house and that doesn't happen much anymore.
Been with a man 13 years older, now with a man 4 years younger.
Younger is better, at least in my case ;)
Sorry, meant 75 cents. Still, that was years and years ago.
xx
I studied to be a scopist years and years ago
Back in the early 1990s I took a course called Note reader Scopist. They read court reporter notes (those long skinny papers that looks like a cash receipt) and types them into documents. I had found the course through something called At Home Professions but just didn't finish it because it was too expensive for me. But I am familiar with them and even found my book from the first course I took. Looking back I think it would have been a blast if I had kept up with it.
It is definitely legitimate. A lot has changed since the early 90s, so I'm not too familiar with the industry now. I do remember what was really weird was it didn't take a lot for me to learn it. For instance I could look at a line of court notes and see something that looked like: NV p srn - and I seemed to know exactly what it said. Just weird. My DH used to say that I understood it because I was an alien and my ship crashed in Roswell. HA HA HA Anyway...that's what I know about it. But if you Google note reader scopist or at home professions i'm sure you could probably find a lot of info.
I have been vegetarian on/off for 35 years, was vegan for about 5 years sm
not that hard. Right now, I am having so many issues with food allergies and celiac disease, having to give up nightshade veggies...nothing left to eat. I am eating some meat now, but not when the gastroparesis sets in!
Being vegan is not hard...unless you are a celiac. This is how I figured out the celiac part because so many of the meat analogs and vegan packaged foods use gluten for the protein and I got really sick from it. I gave up all the premade things and the whole grains with gluten and I was fine.
There is vegan and then there is VE-GAN. By definition, vegans don't wear, use or consume anything that is derived of animals...no leather shoes, most shampoos and toothpastes are off the list, as are deodorants. No wool or silk. Anything with soap usually has animal byproducts. It is very involved and rather difficult to do.
Giving up meat, eggs and dairy is no big deal, except for cheese. You hear that ad about "comfort proteins" in a baby formula and there is such a thing. Mother's milk, be it human, cow, goat, whatever...contains a chemical that triggers the release of endorphins in the brain so that feeding feels good in more ways than one. The purpose of this is ensure that the nursed young want to nurse and thrive. Human milk has a lot of these, so does cow's milk and cow juice triggers the same reaction in the adult human brain. Cheese is concentrated milk and therefore these chemicals are also concentrated. As a result, cheese is an addictive substance. This is the hardest thing to give up when going vegan. Vegan cheese substitutes are nasty and they don't melt. If a dairy-free cheese melts, it contains casein, an animal protein and not vegan.
I studied this years and years and years ago
Most definitely is legitimate. In the late 1980s I studied to be a note reader scopist through a group called At Home Professions. I loved it, but unfortunately could not continue due to no funds. It was reading the court reporters notes which looked like a grocery receipt with a bunch of letters scattered on it. The weird thing was I found it extremely easy. For instance I would see a line that looked like: av e cr, and for some reason I would know what it said. My DH told me that's because I'm an alien and my ship landed in Roswell. HA HA. Well I know that a lot has changed, after all it's been over 20 years since I took the first course and know a lot of it is computerized now, but it is most definitely legitimate and I've heard people like to do it. I think I remember one of the courses was in medical terminology and another course was in legal terminology. Should be able to find a lot of it on google, or maybe go to your local college if they offer it and talk to an instructor.
I know how hard it is......sm
I understand what you're saying. God didn't give us the ability to forget, just the strength to get through it. Have you talked with your husband. Does he seem happy to have this child or has he ever said he was sorry for ever wanting that now that the child is here? Maybe if you could hear him say he was sorry for ever wanting that and couldn't imagine your child not being here, maybe that would help. Seeing true remorse in a person goes a long way in helping you deal with this.
Hard to say
If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have married my husband. He and I are not very well suited to each other at all. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful son, so I can't say I entirely regret it. And after 27 years of marriage, my husband and I finally have a great relationship, with the help of an excellent marriage counselor. What's that saying - I've been happily married for 8 years, but we were married 27 years ago. 
I'm sorry - I know it must be hard for you (sm)
I don't have experience with it, but at lesat she is making the decision and you don't have to make it. There are also assisted living facilities that are not so much a nursing home, if you think that would be an option for her. Best wishes to you.
i know it is hard to believe
but I didn't see a pay phone in the dorm. You can get a room phone installed but it is expensive. I guess that is a thought though.
Even if I could contact AIM, I don't think I would. He is 18 and really I can't tell them not to let him use his free account. He's an adult (at least in terms of the law) even if he isn't acting very mature. The way it is now, I can see if he is online and talk to him. If I did something like that he would jsut make up a new screen name that I wouldn't have at all. I just don't think that is a good idea.
This is so hard
Your dog is beautiful. I know how attached you get and how much love these little guys give us.
We just had to go through much the same thing with our 9-year-old lab, Murphy. He got pancreatitis and was very sick, started to get better, but then really took a turn for the worse. He was unable to get up and walk and just cried and cried. After a couple of days, we all decided it was best to have him euthanized. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but none of us could stand to watch him suffer any more. He has had this look in his eyes like he was saying let me go.
Not saying that that is the right decision for you. I think you will know in your heart when it is time. Just try to keep him as comfortable and happy as possible.
My heart goes out to you and Fox.
re: having a hard day/NC MT
It depends on where your degree is from, and where you plan to go to school. If your college credit is from a community college, it should most certainly transfer. You really have to check with a counselor from the school you wish to attend. Good luck!
I'm so sorry...I know it must be so hard (sm)
at least it has only been 8 months though...so you two have no children together, right? No having to beg for sex when you are a newlywed is not normal. I have a lot of marital issues myself thought not similar...please e-mail me if you want to talk!
7 is a hard age sm
Had a 2nd grader who was after much angst by all, diagnosed as gifted. I was able to put him in private school, quieter, excelled at everything, is now an entrepeneur and doctoral candidate. It was not easy to pay the bills, but worked harder than ever. The school had me thinking it was my parenting skills, or lack of them, his behavior, his needing more male positive image, etc., etc. If I had istened to them he would have been put in a special class with those with learning difficulties. All in all, I was crying every day. Took a lot of time and energy. Looking back, his teacher was at fault for mislabeling him and not appreciating his talent. I think he was smarter than she was. We shudder at even the mention of her name. Some don't deserve to be teaching. Don't let her be mislabeled. Thank goodness, I knew someone in the field who tested as I was transcribing his work. It's a very hard road you have in front of you. Don't be discouraged, please. Good luck with it, it's very difficult. Keep examining the whole picture. God bless you.
So sorry. I know this has to be so hard
but she obviously is in a very loving home. Take a little comfort in knowing that you gave her a wonderful life.
it must be hard
person... i mean if you have only felt the need to apologize one time that must be some sort of record. correct me if i'm wrong, but you were apologizing at that particular time even though you were not at fault?
I did it on my own. It was not hard. No one else will
It did take some time to educate myself but it was not difficult. Got Money magazine and started reading. Also read other mags. I did have someone to talk to but could have done it without this person. Also, the investment groups 800 numbers were able to answer questions I had. It was acutally fun, in an odd way, knowing I was taking care of me, without having to pay someone else to do it. And that someone else would also be paid, out of my money, for giving me advice I could find for myself.
It's so hard to know ....
It's so hard to know the truth when these stories are printed in the Enquirer and papers of that kind. I hope this is one of those stories that turn out to be just sensationalism. How sad for him if it isn't!
What's hard is that
we have been keeping all of our kids' college funds in the stockmarket. After a big hit in 2001, they were doing OK. But now that we're really having to use them, the money just isn't there.
I'm wondering if it makes more sense to keep the money in the market (waiting for recovery) and take out a loan for the college tuition.
No wonder it's so hard to get through - and why
And yet US hospitals are trusting confidential data to the people who built that tangled mess. Unbelievable.
It's really hard to tell ...
what the true tones of some of these texts are meant to be.
It seems what I am reading is saying to tell the truth in an abstract way, just not in a personal way.
If anyone cares, my kids are only 4, 5, and 8, so the subject of my experience with alcohol and sex would be totally inappropriate. I was just wondering if anyone had an experience where being truthful with their older kids (18+) about herself was helpful. Apparently not?
me too and its so hard! nm
x
Not too hard for me, either.
I probably only eat meat 3 times a week as it is. I've committed to a vegetarian diet several times before in my life, and kept it up the longest for about 3 years. The thing that pulls me back to the meat eating side is hamburgers. I don't know why, but I love 'em! Really good ones... not fast food "patties". Also, I don't have any issues about not eating animals. I think some animals are quite tasty. But I can do fine without eating them, too. Were I more committed to vegetarian philosophy, I'm sure it would be a different story.
Too hard for me
b
Hard liquor.
Hard drive?
Hello...sorry for the beginner question, but if I purchase a hard drive, are they generic to any computer? Or do they need to be specific for the computer they are going to be put into? It's going to go into an HP Pavilion. I just want to get a 40GB hard drive that doesn't cost too much. Any info. would be appreciated.
I know you're right - it's hard to do though! (sm)
But I think that is what I have to do! Thanks!
WW is hard for about 2 days (sm)
It's hard when you're adjusting your intake amounts and type of food, but it's sound science to lose weight with. However, the biggest key for me was changing my mindset. I had lost and gained several times in the past--65 pounds, then 42 pounds, 5 pounds, 10 pounds, etc. I scared the crud out of myself at age 25 and was finally scared straight.
When I was 25, I had a bunch of weird neurological symptoms and had an MRI done. My neurologist asked me, "Why are you having strokes?" Holy cow--what? I was a healthy, obese woman with two young girls, not having stroke symptoms.
That night I thought about my baby girl and 3-year-old girl. My husband would run off to work in the morning and be gone until 5 p.m. I would be lying motionless on the bed, unable to care for my little girls because I ate my way to a massive stroke. My baby would be crying out for me for food and a pants change. My oldest could throw her some Cheerios but that's about it until my husband came home.
I know it is not completely rational, but that was the catalyst that got me going. I started with my old WW calculator and went down from 235.5 pounds to 112 pounds. I'm 5 feet 5 inches and 28 now. I've kept the weight off for over a year, most of it for 2 years (most of the weight came off in about a year), and even kept it off through a pregnancy. I was at my prepregnancy weight at 3 days postpartum.
Anyway, I'm rambling. My tips for you--don't drink your calories, eat high-fiber cereal every morning, and save some points for whatever you like to eat. I always saved a couple points every night for ice cream. Oh yeah, and weigh every day. That way you'll know what foods affect your weight and which don't.
I haven't counted points for a couple of years. I weigh every day and know when I need to forget a snack for the night by my weight in the morning. I have control of this beast called weight control, and it is a beast.
Be prepared, though. People won't tell an obese person that he or she needs to lose weight, but people will take every liberty to tell a formerly fat person that he or she needs to gain some weight, never mind the health part of weight gain.
Good luck!
It's hard, but be strong for your mom and go.
If this is a family gathering, I'd go and be as polite as I could stomach, and then leave and take it up with her at a later time. Can't say I wouldn't flash her the ol' stinkeye once or twice when no one was looking though.
Here, those jobs are HARD to get
The elementary aide jobs in this county pay @$12.00/hour (your location may vary),lots of paid holidays, great hours, vacation time, sick days, insurance, and retirement.
I worked as an aide in an elementary school in the past when I was in a master's degree program but left the program (and the area) when I had a financial downturn.
To give you an idea of what it may entail, in my school I had duties such as hall duty (keeping the noise to a dull roar and horseplay to a minimum in the morning before classes begin and after school), cafeteria duty (making sure the right classes go to the right tables and fetching forgotten forks, napkins, and condiments), bus duty (helping children get on the right buses), as well as things such as testing for reading level placement and working with one group of students in a subject while the teacher works with another group.
Some of the aide jobs are more clerical in nature, some are in the library, some are to help the special education kids. Once you get in, you can usually find your niche and gravitate towards it.
It is never routine! I, too, am a burned out MT now and would love to get one of those jobs again, but it is very difficult to obtain one here.
Parenting is so hard.......
I am in no way saying that you are being a controlling parent. I understand that just becuase they are in college you can't and don't just say okay, now you are an "adult" you are on your own, go ahead and make mistakes. I myself and a bit controlling (kids are 17 and 15) and am trying really hard to tame that. I learned it from my "other" mother. She was very controlling with my younger brother (from her first marriage) all the way through his college years. He ended up marrying a very controlling person and that marriage lasted 4 years. He is now in a seemingly happy marriage but she is also quite controlling. I think it is a very fine line that we have to walk in giving them wings but also holding on when we see such obvious mistakes. Remeber the boy he was before he met this girl, the boy you raised with sounds like good values. Give him a little more time. About taking away the car I see why you did it. He blantly defied a rule and then lied about it. Maybe to try to build up the trust take it away for a shorter time and give him another chance. JMO! I really hope this gets worked out soon. I can only imagine how hard it is to have your child away for the first time and then these problems thrown in. Good luck.
My condolences -- it is so hard
I lost my best friend for 16 1/2 years this past May (though Tasha was a dog) and I know what you are going through. I did not have to make the decision as she did but it was still hard. I also had her cremated and her ashes are here with me in my office and I plan on spreading them up in the park above where I live where she loved to run and chase the squirrls I cried harder over her passing than I did over my divorce --but then she was faithful and stayed with me through the good, bad and ugly. Have not gotten another dog yet, but it is hard to come home to an empty house though I do have two cats. One kitty was very close to Tasha and thought I would lose her afterwards as she did not eat for almost a week and just kept wanderng and wandering. But she then found an old towel that I used to wipe Tasha off after walking and started to sleep on that and came around. But I remember her in her younger years and feel that she is running through heaven and chasing everyone around up there. So remember the good times and though your heart is aching, as least she is out of her suffering and pain. They give so much and ask for so little. Again, prayers and hugs to you. Patti
Might be a little hard at first, but then you get used to it. Have your kids help.
xx
We had a very hard time with my SIL
married to my younger brother. She was a total gold digger. Sucked up to our family until they were married and then nothing. She would walk into my parent's house and if she saw something new like a stero, she would say we will take the old one, etc. She is now gone. We really like his new wife. Defintely loves my baby bro. My other brother is divorced. My ex-SIL and her new boyfriend travel with our family all the time. My brother works for my hubby but has basically dropped out of out lives.
I know how you feel. It's so very, very hard, but (sm)
my cat had almost a year like that, would keep bouncing back every time I though the end was imminent. I told myself she just didn't want to leave me. Hang in there. It's rough.
I know how hard this must be for you. Hugs to you! nm
!
Yes, it is hard to talk to them sometimes! (sm)
No way will husband do it. He always agrees with her. He thinks the kids should go whether they want to or not.
I'm so sorry. That must be really hard...I'm just sorry ((hugs)) (nm)
x
its hard to tell enough on line, but not all
men who have anger and other problems are serious abusers; they are men with their own baggage that affects their behavior. Mine was one. The first 10-15 years were pretty rough, but these last 10 and esp the last 5 are great -- he's in control, learned to be considerate, etc etc. I agree how bad it is for the children. But our 2 daughters have turned out fine; one married to a wonderful guy with well-raised children of their own, and the other has graduated professional school, working a dream job and going for several years with a great guy. A woman has to make her own judgment calls as to the true nature of their problems/relationship/safety and whether there is hope or not. I just don't think you can rubberstamp these marriages as all doomed.
Guys not hard to buy for...
If they're tech guys, get them Best Buy gift cards.
This will be hard, but there are things
You have to know. As a gay person myself I feel I may have something to offer you.
Your husband may very well be gay or bisexual. The first thing you have to know is that it has nothing to do with you or anything you have or have not done or been to him and he loves you.
People call it a "lifestyle choice." It is not. A "lifestyle choice" is whether you visit your local coffee house, ski every winter, what sort of car you prefer, the clothing you like. These things are related to lifestyle. I know this sounds irrelevent, but it will make more sense in just a moment.
First, you have to understand that he is not doing these things behind your back to hurt you. This has been with him for a very long time. If he has only recently begun to experience his feelings intensely enough to try to act upon them, he is also very confused and feels extremely guilty.
Regardless of that, this is an intrinsic part of who he is. It is who he is. It is not a thing, it is not "something he does." It is who he is. Say that in your head. A lot. And do it before you talk to him. You do have to talk to him.
You have to understand that for him, if he is bisexual or gay, his feelings are as much a part of him as yours are a part of you or mine are a part of me. I could no more just go out and be with a man than you could just go out and be with a woman. It's the same for him. No one who knows and loves him will understand this and he knows it. He knows that it can and will destroy relationships he has in his life, some of them permanently. That's why he's sneaking around. It does NOT justify his sneaking around, but that is the reason.
There are so many reasons to have the heart to heart mentioned by the other poster. The most important being your safety. You have to find out if he's actually been with anyone yet and then you both need some blood work. You will not get the answers if you lose control of your emotions. You will get whatever he feels he needs to tell you to keep you calm and not running out the door. So you have to think about your approach and you may have to think about it for a good while before talking to him. You have to remain grounded no matter how hard it is, because when he realizes he's been found out, he will no longer be grounded.
A person who cheats on their spouse deserves no sympathy, I believe. However, the most important element at play is going to be your safety and your health first. It just has to be.
Next, really try to help him find out if this is who he is. Not for him, but for yourself and your hopefully monogamous marriage. If you're going to get the truth, this has to be done in a non-threatening way. You don't have to be supportive, but I would stop short of confrontational if you want the truth.
You must understand that HE may not be ready for the truth either. Right now, he is experimenting and testing the water while safely married with all the appearances of heterosexuality and the safety that affords a person in and of itself. I don't know how old he is, but I have seen people over about 25 have a really, really hard time with this. If he is not ready, you will not get the truth. This is going to be hell on you. You have to leave the door open. You will get a whole range of answers from "it's a phase" to "i just needed something different" to a harmless fetish or unrealized sexual fantasy.
An important element for you to understand that is missed by most heterosexuals is that sex is not what orientation is about. It is a part of it (thank goodness), but a gay or bisexual person is also emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually attracted to the same sex. Your husband is not just interested in sex with men. It goes beyond that, as it goes beyond that for you in your attraction to your husband. This part can often hit a spouse the hardest.
There is no easy way for you to deal with this. There is not going to be an easy way in or out for either of you. He can promise you that he has or will never "act on it." That doesn't matter because this is who he is. He cannot choose to be someone else anymore than you or I can. You are going to have some really hard choices to make over the coming months.
Unfortunately, on top of your discovery you also have to deal with possible infidelity and the betrayal you feel. This is going to seem insurmountable to you. You have to hold onto yourself for your own sake and become an expert at self preservation. You can eventually allow yourself to break down and lose it, but you can't do that right now, ok? It will sure feel good when you can, but you just can't right now.
I am so sorry. No one deserves to go through this with their spouse. Just please understand that this is WHO a person is, not WHAT a person is. It is not an ACT to hurt you. It is who he is and there is no cause.
I could probably go on but I already feel like I'm babbling now. So much to say...
Please feel free to email me. There really is a lot you can do for yourself to help you stay sane through this.
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