I think you need to boot the SO out

If he's not giving you his share of the bills, then it sounds like he is not contributing financial.  Does he just help with the kids or is he the full time caretaker?  Is he their dad? It sounds like you're in a pretty good depressive episode.  I've been there, so I sort of know what you're feeling - even down to obsessing about winning the lottery.  It'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Take stock of what you can change and what you want to change.  The things that fall into both categories - cans and wants - I think you need to take some action on.  Is your SO not giving you $$ because he has his own issues, or is he just being a deadbeat?  If deadbeat is the answer, kick him out.  The little bit of help he is giving you isn't worth the stress that is resulting from him being there.

I think you should also find someone to talk to about losing your first boyfriend.  Sounds like some grief counseling would be very appropriate for your situation.

As to the boredom with working at home, there is not  much you can do about that except try to find a job in house.  Those are few and far between right now, and the work itself isn't going to be any more or less interesting.  You just have more people to interrupt you during the day.  That's my take on it, anyway.  There is a definite advantage in the people interaction, if that sort of thing appeals to you.  I'm anti-social, so working at home suits me down to the ground.

So, Dr. Robin says find out why SO is not giving you his share of the $$ and if he refuses to open up to you and still refuses to give you $$, kick his lazy a$$ out.  You don't need to be supporting him when he's a grown man who can do that for himself.  Find some grief counseling.   Find a buddy to go walking with 2 or 3 mornings a week.  Exercise is a well-known antidote for depression.  It really does work and I can attest to that personally.

Good luck.

• Midlife crisis - think i'm having one
  • It sounds like you might have depression. - Kiki
  • I wish I knew what to say but I am - Me
    • well it's just with the SO too - he doesn't want to help out with the bills, etc
      • I recommend you read the book ....sm - curious girl
      • I think you need to boot the SO out - Happy MT Robin
        • well he's a musician and says he's saving up for - when he goes on tour but
      • I will tell you and from how my life has gone - Me
        • thank you so much that means a lot to me - you will never know

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Marcel the winner.  Even if Marcel is a creep, it was absolute cruelty and teenage type hazing.  The producers overruled.  What would happen to their big finale then? 

Same thing on Project Runway.  Jeffrey did not do that work himself, yet producers determined he should stay, and he was the big winner. 

Just have to enjoy the shows for the entertainment value, and not trust the producers in any way.  Even if it is Bravo, they are in it for the money.