I think the problem is that I actually gave him "too much' control and now sm
Posted By: Mom on 2007-12-19
In Reply to: he is feeling out of control and he wants control - raising my granddaughter
I am trying to gain it back. I have always been so lenient, always allowing them to make decisions about what they want for breakfast, etc. So, the nicer I was, the ruder they became. Then when these temper tantrums started I started "taking away" control from him and not rewarding bad behavior, etc. So, now I believe I am just reaping what I am sowing.
I appreciate your response. I don't think there is any easy answer at all. I know that. I think it is trial and error. I have 3 young boys. The other 2 never behaved like this. This is new to me. Husband and I have treated all 3 the same - this one is just very testing and trying. Thanks for the responses. No more from me. I don't have time for this right now. Thanks!
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Careful not to generalize "too" much
I am dying to get OUT of a 'fancy-pants' area and back into the country, but there are tons of stuff not so much fun in the country, too, like being ostracized (Sp?) for being different. I'd give my eye-teeth (where did THAT saying come from?!) to find a middle ground: Progressive rural.
Please explain "too busy"?...nm
//
he is feeling out of control and he wants control
and from what you wrote, you aren't giving him opportunities to have some control.
My 4 yo has had this type of behavior since the age of 2-1/2, but I've figured out how to deal with it. First of all, he wants your attention, good, bad, indifferent and wants some say so in what happens to him.
I've done several things. With the screaming, I totally ignore her. I tell her my ears are closed and I can't hear her, but if she wants to cry/scream, she can't do it in MY living room (bedroom, whatever), only in HER bedroom. If she refuses to stay in her room, I take away her favorite snuggly and put it on the top of something, out of reach but visible. She can have it back when she stays in her room and stops being loud. If she keeps coming out, I put another coveted stuff up out of reach, over and over until she realizes I mean she has to stay in her room. I don't tell her she has to stop her fit or crying...she just can't do it in MY space. She can come back to where I am if she is quiet.
I make sure she knows I am in control, but we negotiate almost everything. If I want her to drink milk for breakfast and she wants juice, I tell her okay but she has to drink the milk at lunch. That gives her a sense of control and having a say in what is happening to her.
I have also had to sit on her bed for HOURS, holding her by wrapping my arms around her while she screams and kicks and bites until she begs to be let go. I won't let go until the out of control stuff stops. I don't talk except to say "I'll let you go when you are quiet." It is exhausting, but it only took a few times for her to understand I would invest the time and she hated being held like that for so long.
When I work at home, I make sure I take a break about every 90 mins and spend about 30 mins with her. It takes me all day to get my work done, but it makes all the difference in the world.
If she won't pick up something (say, blocks) after being asked upteen times, I tell her I will give them away to a child who wants to take care of them. It only took losing one set of blocks for her to get the idea she HAS to clean up her messes.
Finally, after being potty trained for at least a month and then rebelling and making messes in her pants for a week in a row (this happened 3 times), I finally told her in a very loud voice that _I_ had control over whether or not she went trick or treating and whether or not Santa comes to our house. If she wanted to have those things, she better use the potty and no more messes. She has been dry since the beginning of October and I give her a treat every day she stays dry.
One day a couple of weeks ago, she wanted to go to Mickie Dee's, but as we drove up she started shouting about wanting to go inside. I wanted to drive through. We were in the drive through line and I calmly told her sometimes people get mad and yell at someone else, but maybe it was an accident...I asked if she wanted to tell me sorry for yelling at me or did she want to go home. She shook her head "no" to apologizing. I repeated my offer and again got "no." I drove off towards home which immediately threw her into tears and whining, but now she doesn't yell at me anymore if she wants something.
Since October we have far fewer melt downs and I have realized she actually shows me her triggers...If she is angry and grumpy on the way home from somewhere, I hand her an energy bar to munch and suddenly I have a sunshine child again. If she gets grumpy in the middle of the day and refuses to take a nap, I tell her we will lie down on my bed. We start out talking and before too long, I tell her I am tired and want to close my eyes, but not go to sleep. Pretty soon, she will close her eyes and fall asleep. I can then get back up and go about my business.
Before somebody starts bashing me, I have a close friend who is a child psychologist and she helped me with all these suggestions. It takes a lot of work to maintain the appearance of control while giving the child the opportunity of having some say so in his/her life.
You have control (SM)
If you demonstrate to your husband that you do indeed have control not to eat that junk, you may get it in his head that you are serious about losing weight. He is sabotoging you, even if he does not intend to do so.
I've lost 123 pounds the hard way and kept them all off. If you can't afford a program that isn't really necessary, get your measuring cups out and measure each serving you eat, add up the calories, and figure out how many calories you need from a Google search to lose weight.
Trust me; you'll feel like crap afterwards if you eat that stuff. You will feel like you had a victory if you leave it alone. You will feel strong. Don't deny yourself that feeling.
I see you posted 2 days ago. I hope you didn't eat that junk.
No, they are definitely not out of control (sm)
Believe me, they are good kids. Like I said, they have never gotten in trouble at school and they are respectful. They were just trying to play with her like they do with me. My mother told me about demons all my life growing up too - and guess how many times I woke her up with night terrors? I'll call you to come sit up with my kids when they are scared demons are going to come and get them.
Did he do something really bad that he needs this much control? nm
x
It has gotten out of control
I see parents who have nothing and cannot pay their bills getting their kids the Xbox 360s and Wii systems. How do they do this? My 18-year-old wanted one and I just couldn't do it. I had to limit myself to about $200 per kid this year.
My kids never had video games until they were well into their teens. They got books and educational computer games. Toys that kept their imaginations active like Legos. Do kids even play with toys anymore?
What has gotten out of control is all the ....sm
charities people are allowed to sign up for. I am all for giving to the needy and support things like Toys for Tots. Dr. Phil and Robin even came to my hometown to help kick off the campaign in our area. My SIL is a teacher at a school where this is quite a bit of poverty and she says kids will come to school and tell about all they got. She says some of these kids have better Christmases then her own children. Once again I don't begrude giving, but signing up with 10 different charities seems a bit much. Also, she has students where the entire family will sign up to "Shop with a cop" and only one of the children will qualify. I don't understand that either.
Only control myself, no one else so where that comes from?
Children grown, not trying to control in any kind of way. I just take care of my homee front, nothing more. More assuming. People think what they want so not trying to change others feelings.
no flea control
vet says we dont have fleas in our area.
she was in control of that relationship
x
No animal control
There is no animal control in many rural areas.
control freaks to the nth........
modus operandi.........they have this NEED to control.....I'm so over these types.....but they are EVERYWHERE - I see it all the time - and then I congratulate myself for being my own hero, finding my own strengths, getting out while the getting was good and never looking back.....been there, done it, will NEVAH do it again.......it just isn't worth it to me. I'd rather be alone than with a control freak or a passive-aggressive.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh tis NOW a GREAT life....and for 18 years!!! I wouldn't compromise it EVER again.....
Best of luck to all and especially to those in sticky situations!!! I SO know it's SO not easy.....
Don't know if Animal Control will be much help
At least, not if they're like the ones around here. I have called them a couple of times for large dogs roaming loose in the neighborhood and they said they would drive by when they got a chance but if the dogs weren't there at the time there was nothing they could do. Even when I told them, they're here right now and will probably be here a while, I never saw the Animal Control vehicle come by either time.
This is a different situation, of course, but if the dog is receiving food and water I really don't think Animal Control would do much.
I understand that you do not want to bring an animal into your home that would make your cat uncomfortable. If you can keep the dog company in his yard or bring him into your yard (as suggested below) that might be a good alternative.
Maybe you could keep an eye out and try to find out who is feeding the dog and talk to them about some kind of alternative, or at least find out when the owners will be back.
I can't believe people treat their pets this way, just to save a few dollars. For a dog as small as a Sheltie, boarding isn't all that expensive. I did a quick on-line check since it's been a while since we boarded our Pom, and most places listed $12/night for small dogs. A small price to pay, in my opinion.
I got my dog from Animal Control.
There was an "application" but it was mostly common sense stuff. Good luck!
I have no cookie self-control!
I used to bake piles and piles of cookies, gave lots away, too, but far too many went right into ME. One Christmas, I gained 10 pounds before the New Year! TEN POUNDS! Added to the other 50 I had gained over the years, and I was just disgusted. I tried not to eat the things, but I could not stop. So now, for the sake of my health, I don't bake cookies unless I'm headed out that same day to someone's house. I make my DH stand over me as the cookies come out of the oven, pack them up and put them into the car.
It sounds ridiculous, but I really can't stop myself!
Well, he sounds like a control
freak for one thing. One of the key indicators for couples who get divorced is how they talk to each other.
For your cold or flu, you might try zinc tablets. If your nose is runny you could use Zicam - the nasal swabs are great because you won't be tempted to snort the gel too high, where it can cause problems. Follow the directions about pinching your nose for a minute. If your throat is sore, chicken soup or broth should help. Maybe soak in a warm tub.
And let grumpy husband clean up his own messes.
You definitely need marriage counseling, because he needs to learn to treat you with loving kindness and respect.
There's little in this life we have control over
I say your hair should be your decision. Whatever makes you happy. There are several celebs in their 50s and 60s that have very long hair and frankly, I think it looks fine. When I was growing up I remember my mother saying things about women who were "too old" to have long hair. I think things are different now.
the men have no control if they don't isolate them.
there are no public birth records -- the children are removed from the natural mothers to other women early on -- the children are brought up to think all the women are their mothers. and as far as being robotic -- like any other abusive/manipulative situations, these women DARE not go against the prescribed behavior or face dire consequences. Not to mention that they have been indoctrinated to have a huge fear of the outside world and how they would survive outside their compound...and believe that doing other than they are taught is going against God. They really need to be deprogrammed.
Animal Control
I'm sure the responses vary depending on where you live, what the situation, and who you talk to but for those who have had no help from Animal Control - there might be hope. A farm in my area was obviously mistreating their cows, standing in water for days and weeks with nothing to graze on but plenty of land to move them too. Just a lazy farmer I think, the whole place was a mess. I called Animal Control, the Sherrif's Dept, and the Humane Society every week (atleast once a week) for over a month. Every time I had to leave a message and soon was immediately transferred to a voicemail. I am happy to say I was persistent and eventually the problem was solved. I can only assume they got tired of hearing from me. I haven't seen a problem over there since and its been a couple of years.
Animal Control
Like the other poster said, if you click "post a reply to this message" they are right under the box that you type your message in. Anyways, I forgot to tell you, you don't have to call Animal Control just if they are mean to the dog. You can also call them about the barking, and I believe they will give them a warning and then I think a fine if they do nothing. Also, I don't know where you are located, but usually you can call the city and they will usually warn them. As much as it sucks, I figure I am just "doing my time" here, where I live, waiting to get away from these idiots I call neighbors! They obviously don't care, have talked to them, so I don't want to make matters worse, because, unfortunately, I have to be here at least 4 more years!
I do and mine is under control. sm
I am on Atenolol 25 mg 1 tablet b.i.d. I never had problems with HTN until I developed chronic kidney disease although HTN does run in my family. If you don't want meds, watching your intake will help tremendously. Like a lot of people don't realize how much sodium is in our food, particularly processed, canned, boxed, etc.
I gave my mom some too, and she
said it takes her less than half the time now to clean certain things with them, because you don't have to scrub as much to get it clean.
I would like to use the mop, but I am afraid it won't clean the ceramic tile as good as other mops. Where did you get yours? Do you clean ceramic with it?
Never gave up anything before, but
going to give up soda this year and maybe it will stick afterwards.
I gave up
about a quarter of the way through. It needed some paragraphs.
I liked the baked beans slithering out of the can though. Made me chuckle.
NO - she gave him 20 and he put in 30.
x
My EX MIL gave me...
One year I was on weight watchers and doing really well - and for Christmas, my MIL bought me a big box of cookies and a box of chocolates!
Shows you how she felt about me, huh?
Animal control adoption
Oie. We adopted a very sweet what we think is a lab/retriever approximately 3 years old from Animal control on Thursday. I think she's way older than 3 and not healthy. I finally got a good look in her mouth today and her teeth are a mess. She hasn't eaten more than a handful of food since we got here and I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I don't think she can eat solid food comfortably. Also, she was coughing Thursday night. Friday morning I made an appointment for the vet because I think she either has Kennel cough or pneumonia. She is coughing until she throws up now and has done so more times than I can count. It is just huge globs of mucous. She also has a nice itch issue going on. I called Animal control and they say she wasn't coughing/puking/itching when they had her. Maybe she's allergic to us. Has anyone had a dog with kennel cough? Any ideas on making her more comfortable until her vet visit on Monday? We are going to keep her and make her as healthy and happy as we can but I'm really annoyed that Animal Control didn't notice anything going on with her, especially her poor teeth.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm off to clean up the floor, again. 
According the animal control worker..
We have one of the animal control worker's living across the street from us and she asked my son how Lily was doing tonight. He told her that she was coughing and she said that the dogs at Animal control all have kennel cough right now and to bring her out tomorrow for some medicine. I'm still just going to bring her to the vet because of her itching and all the mucous. I think I'll just go over to her house if I have any more questions about Lily.
Lily is probably stressed with all her new changes, but other than throwing up, itching and coughing, she seems to feel right at home. We bought her a big cushion for a bed and when I put the boys to bed at night, she goes to bed in her bed too. Anyhoo...thanks again for the support. I'll update after the vet tomorrow.
This is why the kids are totally out of control and
the parents think it is alright for kids to do this. Do you not have any conception they are a lot of time trying to do this to get attention?? When I went to school no one had to send out notes for farting or belching, burping, etc. because it WAS NOT DONE to be funny. You parents complain about how your kids act and yet you take up for them? So glad my children are grown and responsible. Go back to parenting school, from the posts I am reading you really need this.
Need recommendations for dog flea control.
Anyone use anything that actually works? I have a golden retriever and I have tried Advantage (which worked in the past when I had cats), but it hasn't helped. I also tried Zodiac Spot-On (cheaper brand) and that didn't work. I have tried flea baths and flea collars as well. Help!
There most certainly WAS birth control back then--sm
it was called ABSTINANCE.
I agree with this. Also the mother cannot control what
as long as the child is in no danger, the mother does not get to call the shots when she is with her father. I have seen my brothers go through stuff with their ex-wives that makes me so made. If fact, the more the mother makes an issue of it, the more the father may want to do it, especially if they had a bitter divorce. Also from a father's prospective, if he only has a limited amount of time with the child, it may not be about competing as much as making her time with him memorable.
Also it sounds as if he has alway been this way, as stated she was always the "heavy" and what makes the mother think he is going to change now?
Hopefully they can put aside their differences and do what is best for the child, that is all we can hope in these situations.
Report this to animal control!
You need to file a report of both killings to the animal control officer. My neighbor had 2 Akitas (aggressive like chows) who attacked and killed my cat. Unfortunately my cat for some unknown mind boggling reason jumped over her fence into her fenced-in yard, BUT . . . these 2 dogs had also gotten loose a couple of times and attacked a woman getting her mail from her mailbox! Vicious dogs are vicious dogs and this needs to be documented by you. I feel so bad for your cats, but please don't let it happen to any other poor animals!
I agree. Whatever happened to self-control..
diet, and exercise. Side effects aside, I can think of better things to do than spend 45-60 per month on a diet pill! Face it, these things are gobbled up by mostly the over 40 woman who thinks she can have the body she had at 25...can't do it honey unless you work at it! Age, menopause, metabolism, and a sedentary lifestyle, not to mention soda all day long, eating sugary sweets and fast food, all contribute to this. It takes work to be in shape, not some miracle pill.
You have a remote control for shows you don’t like,
that is why they are made, to change channels.
You should contact animal control
Leaving a dog tied up like that and barking incessantly is abuse for one thing. Surely there is some kind of animal control or even the police you could report to?
birth control pills
There are enough hormones in birth control pills to make you have a period, even if you are in menopause.
But menopause is not a disease and it most definitely is not a mental disease.
I plan on spoiling myself during this special time. To me, it will be just as magical as before it started and I will be just as happy to see it go, but I am certainly not sick or crazy because my hormones are rockin.
birth control pills
I am so thrilled to see that you think that there is nothing mental about menopause!! All the power to you!!
I personally know how "mental" PMS was and am very thankful for an OB/GYN who agrees that the safest way to combat the mood altering affects of menopause is for me to stay on Depo until I am at least 50 and then if I have any symptoms, I will go right back on it.
I do not intend to suffer any more than I have to. I have enjoyed 13+ years of no PMS thank you very much!! Oh and my MIL went through menopause about 12 years ago and still has hot flashes and nightsweats as does a DA so I am not sure when the symptoms all go away, but I will do whatever possible to avoid the "mental" ones anyway!!!!
If you can't control 'em at home, no way will it be
Most of us would like to see a movie or go out to dinner in peace, without having other people's little indiscretions trying to eat off of our plates. Keep 'em off airplanes, too, for that matter.
The reasoning is that those who are not in control of their own finances (sm)
i.e., bad credit, are more statistically more likely to be tempted to steal.
The government will pay for birth control..
go to a planned parenthood. Very very cheap. There really is no excuse for 7 kids and no job for either parent. Join the military, get a job, like you said, at Wendy's or Wal-Mart or something. I am not against a hand up, but I am very much against a hand out.
I think you do know. He gave you the answer. sm
And you have to take that answer at face value. You've gone away with him for a weekend, so it seems like he's willing to take more than he's willing to give. If you don't want him to "shoplift the pootie", then listen to your security system.
He told you what he's thinking, and either you're ok with that, and you continue on. Or, you're not ok with it, and you have to move on.
What was the best gift you GAVE?
mine was the digital camera to DIL. She is very reserved, but actually started crying, and jumped up and gave me a HUGE, LONG, hard hug! I was shocked!! She had mentioned wanting one last year, but didn't tell us until a week before Christmas, and we already had our shopping done by then. She said we even bought the one she had picked out, and was planning on getting after the holidays, hoping it would be on sale. It is the Kodak one with the printer. I told son later, she took the award for the BEST reaction EVER to a gift!!! He laughed and agreed.
I'd have to say the most DISAPPOINTING reaction was one I expected. It was from SIL. The one I talked about on here, never gives me any feedback, is so exasperating. I had given her a Creative Memories Carry Case, filled with scrapbook making supplies to get started, and three scrapbooks to start with, one with refills. One was a gorgeous victorian one, one was plain navy blue, and the third was a purse sized one, I was thinking to put grandkid pics in. She opened it, and said nothing. I said I hope you like it, I know how creative you are, and how much you love to do crafts, etc., I thought you would create some AWESOME memories for the kids with these! She just said yeah, thanks. *sigh* BIL said he thought it was a great idea. I don't know. It was a letdown to me though, I was REALLY hoping she'd LOVE it!!
Thanks for the support for those who gave it.
I don't feel I need to answer "Jessie" anymore.
How about now I have a bad check they gave me
this morning. I would never try to put into my personal account and draw from that. Went directly to the bank to get $$$$ in hand. You are no longer able to find out if a company has the money to cover an amount by calling but there is a fraud line. I intend to open up another acct - I have an acct there also and really big place. If that check does not clear, then i talk with fraud division about that company. I am still in there swinging. I was told by a furniture salesman that I caused him to lose 3 customers yesterday when I was in there, told him good - my intentions.
I gave my statement sm
just 20 minutes ago and they are going after the owners. An autopsy and toxicology were both requested. The police and the rescue people said there was no reason this should have happened and they will make sure that family never owns another dog. Thank goodness. I feel better now. They are getting much tougher in our area regarding animal abuse, fining and sending people to jail. That poor dog's internal body temperature was 107. Definite heat stroke. Makes me sick.
I say no, my mother-in-law once gave me (sm)
a used salad shooter for Christmas. I opened it and an old recipe she had been using fell out of the box. She also gives away used perfumes and lotions that she decides she doesn't like. I think it's very tacky. Sorry
You said something that immediately gave you away
you said fixin to- I know what that is because I am southern- we are always fixin to do something, right?
Who gave you this info.......
My daughter has several autistic and learning disabled children in her classroom, which is a regular classroom with 4 to 5 added children with learning disabilities. That comment is certainly out of place but where did you get the info from? If another adult, then you should talk with the principal.
I once gave my mother ...sm
one of those long wooden handles with about 3 body scrubbers attached. She used it as a back scratcher and thought it was wonderful. Found it at...almost hate to say it....Wal-mart.
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