I think I really am going mental w/isolation thing.

I guess it's an occupational hazard, isn't it?  I have these bouts where I just withdraw and don't want nuttin' to do with no one--sometimes for weeks a a time, then I get almost manic and freeze up physically and mentally, which can last for days, and then one day I'm happy as a clam and glad to be alive...then the cycle repeats.

I'm geographically isolated anyway but this 'career' is just mentally crippling when you are a person who needs to be forced to get up and out anyway or else they might sink into a depression, ya know?

I'm actually starting to get mild panic attacks if I have to drive anywhere--how f'd up is that?!  This not where I had planned to be at this time of my life--or ever for that matter!  Serious midlife cris going on here in my head, so, yeah you're not alone. 

If there were more opportunities in my neck of the woods, I would so be out of this business.  But, alas, if I leave it's a MAJOR step backwards and I won't do that. You know what though, now that I'm thinking about it....I am a halfway decent cook, and did okay in chemistry class, and there sure are a lot of folks strung out on meth 'round these parts.  I'm thinkin' maybe I should open up a meth lab and go into business for myself!  It sure would get me back in touch 'with the people!'

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Hope these make someone laugh...  Makes me wish I worked in an office away from home sometimes...

Ways To Maintain Mental Health

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  see if they slow down. 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors." (I actually do this one!)
 
7.  Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with The Prophecy."

8.  Don't use any punctuation

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10.  Ask people what sex they are.  Laugh hysterically after they answer. 

11.  Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12.  Sing along at the opera.

13.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
 
14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!" 

18.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19.  Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,   we are going to have to let one of you go."

20.  Share this with someone else... its called therapy.

My sister adopted a boy back in 1989 when he was just about a year old (from Paraguay).  He's now 19 years old and she said he is awful and getting worse and worse.  She said he's horrible to be around and it's getting to a point where she doesn't want to be around him anymore.  He was diagnosed before he ever went into grade school with mental retardation.  Through the years my mom and sister were always defensive about it telling people that's he's not retarded, he's "special".  Anyway....here it is 19 years later and he is getting worse and worse.  Sis just called me from Maine on her last day of vacation and said he's the worst he's ever been.  She said he has mood swings, happy one second miserable another.  He won't let anyone touch the remote control and all week they had to watch what he wanted otherwise they were in screaming matches in the room.  Whenever there is a thunder or lightening storm (which on the east coast is a monthly occurrence) he goes absolutely nuts...meaning, he runs around their house screaming at the top of his lungs "make it stop, make it stop" "tell God I'll day anything he wants, just make it stop", then he runs around banging his head against the wall (btw - it rained every day they were on vacation).  I went back 2 years ago and one night it started raining.  Actually it hadn't even started raining, there were some dark clouds in the distance.  I was woken up early early that morning (bout 4 am) to the sound of screaming.  My bedroom was on the first floor and they all were upstairs (they live in a 2 story colonial home).  Anyway...I kept hearing screaming and screaming and I thought something happened to one of them so I yelled up to make sure they were all okay.  Sis yells down that there are some dark clouds in the distance and she's yelling at my nephew to knock it off, it's not raining or anything.  He's running around yelling "make it stop, I can't take it".  I fell back asleep only to be woken by my nephew standing at the side of my bed saying "I can't help it, I can't help it.  It's not my fault" and his hands were clenched in fists.  Then he started hitting punching himself in the head.  I could hear my sis and her husband talking upstairs so knew they were okay, but all I could picture was him standing over them with a knife after he's slashed them then stand there like that saying I couldn't help it, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't control myself.  He's a very huge kid (340 pounds) - and he keeps telling them he is not overweight, he is muscular.  Anyway...to make a long story short years ago they brought someone to the house to try and find out what's going on with the storm thing and nobody helped them.  I kept telling her he may need to be on medication, but they had no health insurance so never did anything about it.  This morning she called me and said she is going to have some counselers from her church (she's mormon and said they have professional counselors there) evaluate him when they get back from vacation.  She said they charge but not as much as regular ones (outside their church - they charge according to what you can afford).  Anyway...she said he is horrible horrible horrible, and she called him a little pri*k.  She said even her husband said to her "you and Dan don't get along".  She said he won't listen to her, said he's 19 and he can do whatever he wants and he won't listen to them.  They were giving him $50 a day allowance while on vacation this past week and he would demand it every morning before they had a chance to get out of bed.  She said they would hide their wallets after he fell asleep because he just goes in and steels money from them.  I asked her if I heard that right.  I said $50 a day?  I said if she held back his allowance for 3 days that would have paid for an hour of counseling.  She said to me I don't know what I'm going to do it they tell me he's bipolar or ADHD or whatever and needs medication.  I said would you rather have him diagnosed and on medication or know that he has something he needs medication for and he's deprived of it.  I said it's going to just get worse and worse if they don't treat it (whatever the illness is) and for her and her husbands sanity she's got to do something.  Sis turned 50 this year and her husband is 64.  I said this is not what they need at this time of their lives.  Also, last October they adopted a little girl from China (she's just two years old and she's okay and is not handicapped), but she said this week it was like Dan was competing with her.  She would get a happy meal at McD's and he would have to have one too, amongst other things he did.  At one time this week they asked him if he was upset because they adopted the girl and he said no.  They asked what the problem was and he said nothing, leave me alone.  My BIL seems to think that maybe Dan realizes that he's not going to go anywhere in life and is depressed.  I just told her either way, she has got to get some help for him because he could get worse and worse.  Once I told her that I was worried about the safety of she and her husband if they didn't get their son the treatment he needs, but she blew it off and said no, that her son is deathly afraid of her (he may be 340 pounds, but sis is 260 pounds - not as big but he backs down if she comes after him). 

Anyway...I don't know how much stronger I can emphasize to them that they need to get help.  Sis has talked about some day comeing out for a visit and hanging out at our place, but there is no way in you know where my DH would allow that.  I am very intolerable of my nephew.  When I go back to visit her he gets on my nerves something really bad.  The thing is he does things on purpose to urk them and then he'll look at me and laugh about it, so I know he knows what he is doing wrong.  But I get him back because I tattle on him to his parents.  HA HA - Okay, I'm bad.  But after being around him for about 15 minutes is enough for me.  There is nothing that is nice about that kid.  I've been around a lot of other retarded kids, kids with down syndrome and they are nothing like Dan.  I love them dearly and they are the nicest kids (sometimes better well behaved than kids without disabilities).  Anyway...because I know I can't take more than 15 minutes or so with him my DH is way less tolerant than I am and he has no interest in seeing him at all, let alone having him come to our place.  Nephew also has a bowel problem and goes to the bathroom in his pants often, so that woudn't work either. 

Anyway...don't know if anyone has anything to add to my post on what I can tell my sis.  Always afraid of saying the wrong thing to her.  Anyway...just had to vent about that.  I do hope they get him some help but not sure if they will (it's been 16 years since they should have first gotten him help.

I know this isn't the right place to ask but have not received an answer anywhere else yet.  I came across it accidentally last evening when someone posted.  Thanks!

http://forum.mtstars.com/misc/b/8.html

it's located right here above our posts and under the words GAB BOARD

heavy.  My friend has gained probably 75 pounds or more since being on some of the meds. Don't know quite why they contribute to weight loss, but one commercial some years ago said that it does something to the part of the brain that senses when you are full. . . . .  

Who says we're not focused on our work in our home environment????  AAAYYY?

One of my dogs (a gay little Lhasa-Poo) has the itchy horrors.  The vet took skin scrapings looking for mites but found nothing and yet still prescribed Ivermectin (a wormer) in the hopes that the itching was caused by some creepy crawly that just couldn't be seen.  I just squirted this stuff into his mouth every 2 weeks for 3 doses total and nothing.  Everyone is on FrontLine for flea prevention and we did the prednisone along with something like benadryl and different foods...just like you have done!  I even went so far as to shave him myself down to the skin.

After all that "experimentation" and retarded vet bills, he still has the friggin' itching!  Vet thinks it is allergies as well and recommends we just live with it, as the testing is going to be a heck of a lot more $$$ and it carries no guarantee either of finding out the true cause. 

I say my dog is allergic to himself...or us...or the other animals here.  Can't do much about it.  I figure if he's happy, eating, sleeping, and pretty much enjoying life, it's just going to be one of his annoying quirks...that along with leaving skidmarks on the rug!

Good luck and keep us updated on if you find anything out that works for you!

Quote - My question is - if he has never been happy with me, and I have always been a source of frustration, why should I stay now and expect things to improve?  We have been to 4 marriage counsellors in the past.  I am scared about leaving and I still do love him deep down, but why continue to stay if I will never be good enough? Unquote

I noticed that you focused your entire post about what he says, thinks, feels and does.  Finally, in the last sentence you give a minor reference to how you feel.  You don't talk about whether or not you are happy, how you would feel about staying (only being scared to leave).  I was in a relationship for almost 20 years where I stayed for the sake of the kids - stayed 9 years too long.  If divorce is going to be the end result, it hurts longer to stay than to just do it and get it over with.  It does not sound like either one of you are going to be happy staying together - WHY would you want to stay with somone like that?  Lots of things in life are scarry and feeling some love _deep down_ should not be the sole reason to stay. 

What about your mental health, happiness, well being, ability to care for your children, finding your self worth?  In other words, why are you concentrating on him and not on you?  If he has never been happy with you, is not now happy with you, is there some miracle you are waiting on to filter down from the skies and change that about him so one day, maybe, hopefully, so you won't have to be scared to make a decision, he will want to be with you?  Lots of definitives (he is not happy you) (you are scared of the unknown if you split up), but a lot fewer unknowns (can you find happiness without someone dragging you down and staying the source of his frustration?).

Gotta make a choice and all of us on this site can't make it for you.  I emphasize with you, truly I do.  Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I got tired of getting the same results (my unhappiness).  You seem to be putting his worth over yours - from my perspective.  No one can make you unhappy unless you give them permission to.  You make a decision every time you choose not to make a decision.

Best of luck in these hard times.