I have been in your shoes (sm)
Posted By: anon on 2008-12-11
In Reply to: Want to leave my marriage but I'm scared!! Need viewpoints (sm) - MomMT
I was in an abusive marriage and had children. I stayed way too long out of fear, I should have left years before I did. Just make sure you have tried everything to make your marriage work before leaving or you may have regrets. If it is something you feel you must do, you will be fine. It's not easy, but you'll make it. You'll have to work more and do without sometimes but you also should get child support to help.
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Shoes! Love shoes. Thin soles work best.
Don't be mad, but foot size might have something to do with it. I'm a 7 1/2 shoe size, and I suspect a foot much bigger than that might be a bit wide to easily hit the right pedal every time. Remove the shoe and your foot is narrower and you can feel the controls and not hit the wrong one. Just a guess because I've heard guys have the worst time with the pedal.
Earth Shoes....heel lowered in Earth Shoes
shoes
I wore silver shoes with a purple bridesmaid dress. We also had silver/grey shaws to go with. This was in November.
In your shoes
Your story sounds exactly like mine. However, mine told me that if I did not lose weight he was going to leave me. He had an affair and blamed it on the fact that I was overweight. He said, "If you were not so fat, I wouldn't have gone there." Whatever!
Don't let him win - just MHO - same shoes here (sm)
I'm sorry for you - I know how it feels. People like that are best ignored, but would not want my kids exposed. My stepdad is just like that.
Put yourself in her shoes SM
If you had gone through a whole pregnancy and hoped for the "perfect" baby and things weren't perfect? The clubbed feet are correctible, yes, but seeing as she asked you not to say anything to anyone she is obviously having trouble coming to terms with the problem. She is a new mom, there is a problem she obviously is troubled about, hormones all over the place. I think backing WAY off is in order here. Respect her wishes and let her call you when she is ready. Being a new mother is overwhelming no matter how many times you've done it and she needs time.
at least ur not in my shoes
I would love for my husband to make advances towards me like that!!! I'm the one having to hug him and beg him. I agree with a below poster...don't push him away...enjoy what you've got. at least he wants to touch you.
Wish I was in your shoes.
I would do it in a heartbeat. Don't be afraid. Like another poster said, you can always move back. I now have a husband and kids and my family lives about 8 hours away. I miss my niece and nephew dearly but see them as often as I can. I stayed a month when each was born and then traveled every other weekend for several years. They are getting to be school age now so they know me well and I send things often. It has just become too expensive to travel that much.
I would just keep in mind with your BIL being in the military they may not be where they are longterm so that could pose a sticky situation if you get involved with someone special. Might want to talk to your sister. I know mine knows me better than anyone and always has great advice.
My mom was in your shoes
Married Bob, our step-dad. He came on to all three of her daughters, sometimes right in front of her. She made excuses for him and downplayed what he did. She was blinded by his money. And of course he denied whatever, pretending it was all in friendliness.
He fooled around with my little sister, I had her move in with me and threatened to call the law. Mom cried and begged - oh, what will happen to the rest of the family? How will they live without Bob's money? Oh, the poor man is threatening to kill himself vs go to jail. Please, keep my mouth shut. He's sorry and won't do it again. Oh, and little sister was probably asking for it and to blame as well (yes, mom would rather blame her own child than precious Bob)!!!!
He went on to seduce a cousin, then her young daughter, and mom even caught him red handed molesting his own DOG!!!!! She stayed with him though, for the sake of his money and supposedly her family, although by then, most of us would not set foot in their house. My brother, who was growing up under his influence, also now has a thing for underage girls that are his relatives. Nice, eh?
He spent them into the poor house, and by the time he died, all his money was gone. My sisters and I refuse to even be buried in the same graveyard as that creep. Mom dug him up and moved him to his own family plot about 10 years later, but the damage is done to her relationships with her daughters.
So if you want to end up like my mom, deny, shift the blame, and believe him. Sacrifice your whole family and stand by your man. You'll get what mom got - shame and blame and many years alone to play should've/could've/would've.
Been in your shoes
I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I know exactly how you feel, because my son was addicted to drugs with meth and binge drinking being his poisons of choice. Of course, he'd take anything--and I do mean anything--if he thought he could get a buzz from it. Every time I heard an ambulance wail in the distance, I'd wonder if today was going to be the day he overdoses to the point of being unsaveable. Every time somebody knocked at the door or if a police car would slow down in front of the house, I'd wonder if today was the day I was going to get notified that he finally died from his addictions. My heart bleeds for you...it really does. I know the heavy heart you have, and I know all about the soul-searching about what could I have done to prevent or maybe I even caused it.
Well, nothing you did caused it, and you definitely can't control its outcome since he is an adult, and he makes the decisions as to what he wants to do or not do with his life. I know that's hard to accept, because I went over and over in my mind with the "what ifs."
The best you can do right now is to not enable his habit. That means not giving money for rent (my son spent all his rent money on meth and booze and marijuana and other noxious chemicles), not bailing him out of jail, not giving money for groceries or even giving him groceries for that matter. That was hard for me. However, if he needed a meal, he was always free to come to the house >sober< and not under the influence of drugs and enjoy a meal. I think he came only once.
I lost track of him for 8 years or so, and then I learned he was living behind a dumpster in Boston during the coldest spell of the last century. I managed to get him out of that environment, and he did okay for a while. He had to go back to Massachusetts to serve a 60-day jail term, but he did that and cleaned up.
He was doing okay for a while and then he ran with "the crowd" and ended up back on meth and other drugs. He was again hooked, and this time it was a 4-year hiatus into that misery for him. I put him out of the house about 4 years ago, and the last time I saw him, I burst out crying because my baby was down to skin and bones, and he definitely looked like he was dying. So, for the past few years, I've been dreading the wail of sirens and knocks at the doors.
Well, about 3 days ago, I get a call out of the blue, and it was my son, wanting to come over. I was suspicious, of course. (In my mind, I thought about what else he was going to steal, etc.)
When I saw him for the first time in 2 years a few days ago,I truly did not recognize him. He had put on 65 pounds (not fat either), looks reasonably healthy, and he has "the sparkle" back in his eyes. Before, they were soul-less black orbs. Now, they shine. I found out that he has been drug-free and alcohol-free for almost 2 years now but that he was hesitant to make contact because Narcotics Anon. suggests only coming back and apologizing when able to make full restitution money-wise. Well, he didn't have the money, but he did apologize.
So, I really do know how you feel and all the pain, sorrow, and worrying you are going through and just how much greater those feelings will get for you. It will be a whole lot more intense as time goes on.
You need to get somebody to talk to for yourself. I tried the local Narcs Anon and a few of the other addiction groups as well as a couple of private counseling sessions.
Remember this: You didn't cause it, and you can't control it. Just don't enable him with money or gifts (he'll just trade or pawn whatever you give him for drugs...my son did.
If you need somebody to talk to about this, feel free to email me. I feel for you. I won't lie. It's going to get really, really rough...but no matter what he says/does, you didn't cause it.
Kathleen
If I were in your shoes - sm
First of all, take a deep breath. I would definitely ask him about it. I would also INSIST that he go to a marriage counselor with you. It does not sound as if you did it when it first happened, but you need to go. You have lots of unresolved feelings and rightfully so. I would tell him your marriage hinges on what action he takes. If he refuses, go alone. It seems like he is still holding on in some way to the memories and keeping in contact with her. Your marriage can recover from this with time, counseling, and 100% honesty from him. He needs to become an open book to you. It is not the end of the world, though it might seem like it now. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes.
How much is too much for shoes?
My husband always tries to get me to buy name brand shoes from an overpriced shoe store.... which I have to put insoles in anyway for my plantar problem!!!! Last time I bought shoes I went to Walmart and bought them for 20 and then put my insoles in them and it was fine. I saw these shoes made for walking by Sketchers and went online to look at them and they turned out to be $175!!! I was like WOAH!!! I actually like Sketchers, but good god I cant believe how much some shoes cost..... SO THE QUESTION IS HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR SHOES??? HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR YOUR KIDS SHOES???
Pay for shoes
I'm one who can wear shoes from Payless so I usually get shoes for $20, sometimes less if they're on sale. I have a friend who once said to me, I bought 2 pairs of shoes and spent $100 and she was excited about that. I laughted and told her I could have gotten at least 5 pairs or shoes, maybe more for that price. I try to get the kids shoes at Payless also, at least the youngest.
what color shoes to buy
See what color other bridesmaids are wearing, all should be same. Beige or cream color is a good choice. Gold/silver better choice for evening & not at golf course.
Oh me too. Love shoes!
It's a sickness really. :)
At one point I had well over a hundred pairs of shoes. I have thinned that down to about 10 pairs now but I am so tempted to buy shoes whenever I see some that I really like.
Why are big size shoes always
Short people don't have big feet, tall people do.
I've been in your shoes too - sm
Warning bells went off when you said he's gone 6 nights out of 7 (drinking, "sleeping it off") and that you believe his excuses. I did too but turned out he cheated on me for several years and finally gave me an STD (one of the "minor" ones at least).
Get out now. He's emotionally unavailable. Google "better than nothing relationships".
I was in your shoes at one time too -
I lost a job after 13 years and of course a person cannot always afford COBRA. So of course I had no health insurance for 3 years. That being said, I also was on 2 different antidepressants that cost almost $300 a month. My doc, bless his heart, put me in touch with a program for "Indigents and Transients". Don't let the title put you off...what it is is a program by some drug companies that will provide you your medications free of charge. No cost to you at all. All you do is fill out any necessary paperwork. It is income based, so your husband being laid off will be a help.
Your son may have to fend for himself for the duration. You raised him the best you could, taught him what he needed to now, and now he has made his choice. Tough as it may be for you, you need to get yourself taken care of first. No one can take care of you except yourself.
Where I live in Michigan, we have a program through United Way of MI that you can call and they can steer you in whatever direction you need to go...food pantry for feeding your family, low-cost or free health care, social services, etc.
Is your husband a veteran? My DH is a vet, Vietnam era, and the VA has resources you can use too. The "Veteran's Trust Fund" helped pay our mortgage one time when we hit the wall. They only wanted to know what had happened and how we had gotten behind. Also too, check into any of your county programs. When I lost my job, I was considered low-income (DUH!) and the state of MI came out and replaced our leaky doors with metal, leakproof doors ND blew in insulation to help cut down the heating bills.
Please, please, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. There are a lot of us out there that would fall apart at the seams if our paychecks were even one day late.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers as any time is a bad time to be in this boat, let alone at Christmas time.
OK, I'm giving it a try again, except for the shoes.
I cleaned my sink last night and will keep that clean. Got up this a.m. and got dressed and ready for the day, which does indeed make a difference in my attitude. The only thing I won't do is wear my shoes in the house. This is something I've never done. It's not a cultural thing, it's must a me-thing. I'm always in socks in the house and keep my Crocs by the door for quick trips outside to mailbox or garden. The only time I wear shoes is when I'm out and about. This is something I've done all my life, and it just feels very weird for me to have shoes on in the house.
me and my laced up shoes
They are on when I hit the floor and not off until I hit the hay. (I think flylady thinks it is important to prevent napping), but I can cat nap with my shoes on :)
Even my casual shoes are $130, sm
my dress shoes usually run about $200-$250. I buy shoes that are constructed well and last for years. I have a pair of pumps that are about 20 years old and look brand new except for wear on the sole. I don't have hundreds of pairs, less than 15 pairs in 20 years, but I take really good care of them and get them repaired/resoled when needed.
I probably have spent less in 20 years on shoes that a person who buys $20-$40 shoes over the same time period.
I'm close to being in your shoes
Lots of sharp replies from people who probably don't know the whole story.
I've been fighting it for some months now and it is going to take months before I can recover. An MTSO I worked for lost a client in November, but that was okay because I had a doctor account and a second MTSO job to pick up the slack. In February the first MTSO lost another client and as I was low man on the totem pole, my account was given to those without work and I was let go. Still okay, I thought, because I would just make the second MTSO the primary MTSO...which worked for about a week when I got the notice that MTSO was cutting my pay by 70% by switching to VR editing. Okay, I had some notice and I found another company to make my primary MTSO but it has taken time to build up my lines - took a pay cut but grateful to have a job and still had the doctor account. Now I've heard this new MTSO will soon be switching to VR editing. 
I had just signed the lease on the apartment I am in. I am single with no family to help and have a 6 yo child to raise without CS. Everyone goes through a bad patch sometime in their life and I hope this is as bad as it gets. I have my health and the ability to look for another job. My LL has been very understanding and is working with me for a couple of months. Even though money will still be tight for a while, at least for another month there is a roof over our heads and a chance to work to turn things around.
I hope things turn around for you soon 
Had one that was tinkling in the closets and in particular in our shoes. (sm)
I found bloody pee in one and called the vet to take all 3 of them in for a checkup. Sure enough, UTI. One of them very obligingly peed on the floor in the waiting room and we could easily see who had the bloody pee. He did check the other two out, only the one had it. I now use only cat food with special urinary pH formula. I think it has helped, no problems for years now.
I am not in your shoes, but from your post, you sound a little
She is lonely and obviously loves her family. Hoping she is going to slow down soon is also not a nice thing to say. All I can say is that you too will be old someday and I hope that your children and inlaw children are not as sensitive about things as you.
Take more pills and chill.
I'm walking in your shoes, but I walked further
There is only so much you can do. If she is a danger to herself or others, you can get an involuntary committment from a court to have her placed in a psych ward. It depends on your state how many witnesses you need and how far gone she is.
My dd stays with her dad (my ex) and I have had to cut off all ties. She finally got into a methadone program and got a job (which she quit when she got a garnishment on her paycheck for past-due child support) and is going to the local county health department where she was placed on a mood stabilizer. Every time I have talked with her over the past year, it seems she is worse than the time before. I don't think she is on the right meds. I have had to cut off all contact with her because I am raising her child and I just do not have the energy to be everything to everyone.
Like your child, my dd was depressed - I even saw it starting at about the age of 9 months. She was cycling in manic/hypomanic moods by the time she was 7 years old, only back then we didn't know what it was. We just thought she was high strung and spoiled. When she was 11, a close friend of hers from school committed suicide and she began self-mutilation. At the age of 14, she got kicked out of several psychologists offices because she lied and manipulated them. She lived on the streets in New Orleans at the age of 15 and it took us a year to find her. She finally came home with her boyfriend so she could get off the street and promptly got pregnant. She was "okay" while she was pregnant, but after the baby was born and the guy left, she got into drugs. OxyContin is her drug of choice. She chose that life including stealing her dad's credit cards and lots of other things I would be ashamed to post in public. She chose that over her child. I am now raising that child and I don't see things getting better even with all the "help" she is getting.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but one thing I do know is this: If you keep giving her money, a place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, she will NOT have any personal motivation to get better. She can sell the food and clothes for drugs. She can use the money for drugs. She will use you until you are all used up, and then what good will you be when she finds she really needs you for something important, like making different choices for her life? I wish you all the best. I know how heartbreaking this is for you. Funny thing is, I get okay with not having a relationship with her until I talk to her, then I fall apart for a few days and have to disconnect again to keep going ahead with my own life. So for me, I have to allow her to make her own choices even if it means that one day soon I could be attending her funeral.
Changing shoes helped me.
I had a touch of this years ago. I realized it was from one particular pair of shoes. It went away when I quit wearing them. Are you seeing a podiatrist?
Crocs are the rubbery shoes that (sm)
a lot of people wear these days - they are kind of ugly (sorry for those who like them) but they make sore feet feel so much better! Crocs is the brand name - they usually have holes all over the top and kids sometimes put little charms called jibbets in them. But they are very soft and very helpful for achy feet :-)
Crocs are the most comfortable shoes around, but
I got blisters when I wore mine outside without socks. It looks dorky, but if you happen to be diabetic make sure you wear socks with them.
Just Lysol inside the shoes - lol nm
x
Wear shoes that you DON'T care about. sm
I've been to Mardi Gras 3 times, and all 3 years my shoes came out of just disgustingly filthy. You WILL be stepped on constantly, there will be questionable substances in the street, and if it happens to rain... you're stuck.
But it's SOOOOOOO much fun!!!
it was about her shoes - not a political topic
I would just ignore it. Started off about fashion. You can't control what people are going to write about a certain topic. Sometimes the two can blend together. Since we're not talking bout the O I would just ignore it and write another post about something else.
designer clothes/shoes
I, for one, cannot tell designer shoes or clothes unless the designer's label is on the product. I, however, do know ugly when I see it and those shoes are fugly!
clothes, shoes, purses, etc...........
Believe me, a lot of women do this.
Do you buy always expensive stuff?
Or are you reasonable?
Do you have a daughter that could wear those?
If not, instead of giving them away to charity, send them to me, as a gift, I would wear them!
I am 5Ƌ", size Misses 12-14.
Shoes 7-1/2.
LMAO !
Comfortable shoes! Bring a few different pairs :)
As far as clothing, anything goes!
Pfaltzgraff, books, cars, shoes
When I was a rich yuppie I collected a ton of Pfaltzgraff (tea rose), then I decided I had way more than I'll ever use so I quit. I'll never have enough books though. I also have some cars waiting to be restored and my guy is into that. We also have some toy vehicles that keep accumulating. I need to get rid of some of the shoes though, its just so hard to throw them away!
No, but I do have a new pair of shoes I've been wearing a lot (sm)
I was kind of wondering if they might have caused it. I think I will just stop wearing them and see what happens.
Thank you
Me too! My latest obsession are shoes from a store on e bay
They are called cutsey shoes and I get a pair or two with each pay period. I know it has to end, but they are so cute and not expensive. I am kicking the e bay habit but there's still always room for shoe bids as far as I am concerned. Though I never wear shoes at home and I am there most of the time because I work at home too. LOL.
Well, if someone didn't buy their shoes/clothes, employees
nm
Payless has very good, pretty shoes!
But I doubt that they have them in 'supersizes' for M?
But $ 540.-- for ugly sneakers, that's worse than SP, at least it looks good on her!
I've been in the OPs shoes. Conversations over the phone with the ex'es were always no and it
was a good thing I did it because my ex had 7 ex girlfriends over the years and as my children grew up, it was bad enough that they had to endure visits with Dad and him introducing the next new girlfriend off to the children. My children knew that they wouldn't have to be subjected to phone calls or visits from Dad's girlfriends where they primarily lived, with me, and that was comforting to them. Now that they are grown, they talk to their Dad, but it's not an incredibly close relationship. But, Dad was the one who brought all that on. He could have been more of a father than prancing around with one woman after the next and not spending more time with his own children.
light slippers. can't *feel* the pedal with shoes. nm
nm
OK, first lose the WalMart shoes. Kids are brutal. sm
Being completely honest, you definitely need to not buy the shoes at Walmart. Kids are very, very cruel about that. You can sometimes get away with a couple pairs of pants from walmart, like the carpenter-type pants, etc., and maybe a T-shirt or 2. My son is only 10, but he's already really picky about what he will or won't wear.
Try shopping at JCPenney, BonTon, the Gap, Kohls, Macy's. Their clothes can be a bit pricey sometimes but just watch for sales now and start slowly collecting stuff. They have awesome sales, especially president's day, Memorial day weekend, thanksgiving (black friday), and awesome labor day sales which are usually just in time for back to school.
As far as the haircut, I would take him to a salon and let them offer some suggestions on what is popular and what would work good for your son's hair type and face shape. Maybe even try one of the hair places in the mall because they usually have younger, more modern people there. Good luck! Hope it all goes well!
Time for a podiatrist evaluation & new shoes/sneakers before
s
Started out shoes, now it is politically based, not on right board.
NM
if one has good feet, one can wear cheap shoes.
Shoes do not necessarily have to be espensive to be good. There are also expensive shoes that are not so good.
People with unhealthy feet need expensive shoes.
I have a lot of shoes (over 100) average price $ 40.--, and I have very healthy feet.
I take very good care of my feet and my shoes, some are 20 years old, inspite being medium priced.
I could not wear the same shoes, yearin, yearout, resoled, repaired, etc...boring!
Sorry!
But, most of the time, I run around barefoot, that's the best shoe!
Thin socks ALL the time. Can't use my pedal barefoot or with shoes. nm
s
So many cool shoes out there. Purple pumps or sandals probably won't be hard to find. nm
s
My 15-yo son shops on line at Old Navy and Hot Topic, shoes.com. And he's cool. As for haircut.
Um, with the economy in shambles, I kinda have a problem with her wearing a pair of $500 shoes!
Her hubbie talks about Americans become financially responsible and she's walking around in a pair of sneakers that would cover my rent!
Lucky for me I live in the rural midwest. Personally, I don't care about designer shoes
or pedicures, etc. The average person doesn't think about those things and I could care less what "Michelle" is wearing or who she is wearing or where she shops or if she has sleeves or doesn't have sleeves. I don't give a rats patootie about any of the superficial crapola that is the Obamas. Good God, people, this country is going to heck in a handbasket, the unemployment rate is rising, and we are talking about Michelle Obama's ugly, way overpriced shoes!
O talks about our government being fiscally responsible and his wife is wearing $500 designer shoes.
It's not "her money to spend as she pleases." It's my money, your money, his money, her money. O better put up or shut up and that means his family too. No more big talk about the deficit, fiscal responsbility, and redistribution of wealth when when his wife is walking around in designer duds. Am I the only person that sees hypocrisy in that?
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