I have a situation regarding my DH's job...
Posted By: I need advice please...sm on 2007-11-29
In Reply to:
Long story short, my DH has a 2-hour commute (roughly, depending on Atlanta's traffic) to and from work each day. Now, this is only temporary, as when our DD graduates in May, we're moving out closer to his job.
Last night, he asked me what I thought about him taking an apartment on that side of town for 2-3 days a week, like Tues-Thurs, coming home on Friday-Monday. We have 3 kids, the youngest being 8, who is very, very close to his daddy (the other 2 are 20 and 17, so would probably relish the idea of Dad being gone overnight). Not to mention the fact that I work at home and don't have a lot of contact with the outside world (y'all can feel me, can't ya?).
I guess my question is, am I being selfish to say absolutely NO to this idea, or what? I felt like crying when he brought it up; just the thought of him being away for 2-3 nights a week makes me sad. We have a very close relationship, spend all of our time together when not working, and I just am not sure how to feel about this.
Of note: I am not the least bit worried about him *acting up* while he's away. We have a super-strong marriage and are completely devoted to each other and our family. What would y'all do?
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you are right, you do not know the situation...
and I did not go into complete detail, but at all the churches I was a giver of time, money, and self. I never said anything to members that would have hurt them in anyway. I was told by one pastor that I was a dying plauged horse that needed to find a field and die because he asked why he could not keep any men in the church and when my husband and I very lovingly explained why he got mad and what happened next got very ugly.
In the last church I was in I was basically running the church for him because he was too busy working his other job and such, spending church money on things other than what he was telling the congregation, etc, and when I told his fiance privately in a very loving way after much, much prayer that she needed to think about her children, as child services was getting ready to take them, he found out and called me every name in the book and told me that if I ever stepped on the property he would have me arrested. He told the congregation I left on my own and he had nothing to do with it. There are many more details that go with this situation, but I will leave it at that.
One church we were stuck in the middle of a church split and were on the wrong side of the split.
I will not go on. But I have tried to be a dedicated church member, doing every thing I could to fit in, do as I was told, sing and lead 3 worship services a week, at the church every time the church opened, lost friends, etc. trying to do what I thought God was instructing me to do and every time I ended up getting so deeply hurt that this last split has made it to where I get physically sick even thinking of going back to church. It is called "spiritual abuse" and unless you have gone through it you have no idea what it is like. I am glad you have a church you like and treats you correctly, but until you have been through what I have seen, heard, and been through you have no idea.
There are many a pastor out there who are independent and get corrupted by the power they have from the position of being a "man of God" and it is scary what can happen.
I will leave it at that, but there are times where Christians need to look at their actions and words and make sure they are inviting people to want to become Christians instead of making them want to run as far as possible in the opposite direction. Just my 2 cents.
Very sad situation......(sm)
I really do feel bad for you because of what has happened. Your sister should have offered to pay 'something!' And since she did not offer, I know that makes things difficult to forget about, but I'm sure that you would have been able to move on. She took it to an entirely different level when she put her hands on you. She should have stayed away and gave you time to cool off & herself time to cool off instead of showing up to ignite the fire. I know it makes you feel bad, but please do not blame yourself for what has happened. Regardless of the quad theft, she was the one who made the choice to physically attack you. She is the one who did something wrong, not you. She will hopefully learn a lesson that actions such as that have consequences.
Give yourself & her some time to cool off. Eventually the situation will calm down. It will probably take awhile, but don't let it take too long...time is precious. My older brother (only sibling) died in a mva a few years ago. We disagreed on everything most of the time. I always think back to those 'little arguments' and I think about how much precious time we wasted on trivial things, when we could have been enjoying our relationship. I would do anything to have him back now. Just a thought. Hope things get better for you. Stay positive. Do your part to try to re-establish peace, but do not feel guilty about what happened because it was not your fault. Hopefully, in time she will come to her senses and will be the one to suffer with the guilt of what she did.
same situation here -
However, we DO have a charter school available but it's a 45 minute round trip, have to pay an arm and a leg tuition, and STILL have to support the public school with our property taxes to boot.
Our migrant student to teacher ratio in our district is current 1 teacher to 6 students. Regular class ratio is 1 teacher to 31 students. Nice huh.
Not exactly the same situation
but a hospital I worked at went belly up and we went to work that morning and by 2 p.m. we were out of jobs. Not only that, but this was on a payday and our checks were not there and were not going to be coming. Then on top of that I find out that while we all thought the owner had been keeping up on our insurance he had not been and for the previous 2 months we didn't really have insurance, so all the tests and stuff I had during that time I had to pay for. And there was no Cobra to keep it going because there was no company anymore. It was a nightmare, and I already was juggling bills and I just got into a state of despair where I would quit even answering the phone. It took quite a bit to dig myself out of that pit, and still my credit sucks probably worse than yours- I couldn't even get a secured credit card 6 months ago. Dont know about now.
I'm in the same situation
I'm postmenopausal for 4 years now and started having trouble with the sleep pattern during menopause. I thought it would go back to normal after the menopause completed, but according to my doctor, it can take 10 to 15 years for some women.
When I get too badly sleep deprived, I take generic Benadryl - Walgreen's antihistamine, Wal-Dryl - 50 mg and I'm sleepy within 30-40 mins. and usually sleep through the entire night, 6-7 hours. Normally, I will take a 500 mg generic acetaminophen with the 50 mg antihistamine because I have shoulder and neck pain from transcription posture. That is the same as Tylenol PM but much, much cheaper.
If you read the labels, the sleeping pills that they charge $15 or so for, have the same medicine as the $3.50 antihistamines.
Also, since I started walking again about 6 weeks ago, I'm sleeping better.
Obviously you have never been in this situation before
Even though the agency may guarantee anonymity, it usually isn't too difficult to figure out who "blew the whistle." I have seen people harassed and threatened in similar circumstances. If this were a child who couldn't speak up for himself/herself, I would be calling Social Services in a New York minute. But that is not the case here.
It's up to the people involved to decide what to do. You made a suggestion, I pointed out some of the hazards involved in following your suggestion. Two sides to every story. 'Nuff said.
We are definitely in about the same situation
My husband and yours must have been separated at birth! lol They sound just alike concerning their sons. I do think that my hubby feels sorry for his son because him and his mom split. I guess that's why he babies him so much. And his son is so jealous over me. I can't talk to my husband, touch him or anything without his son pouting or trying to get his Dad's attention. I want children of our own but I am afraid that because my stepson is so jealous that if his Dad shows attention to someone else that he would act out and hurt them. He's been hiding things of mine and I know he took 100.00 that was on my desk I had laying out. I searched the house over for it and never found it. He just probably tore it to pieces and threw it in the trash because he thought it was mine since it was on my desk. It's crazy. But thank you for your post. At least I know now I'm not the only one who has had any problems like this.
Wow, I'm in almost the same situation as you.
I have been in contact with my high school sweetheart for the last few years. I now live in a different state. We have both regretted marrying the people we did. We both have 2 children fairly young, but we are hoping we can be together sometime in the future.
Anyone ever been in this situation?
Yesterday, my son went on a field trip with the school to a local amusement park. It was a 1-hour drive. He begged me to take his Nintendo DS. I finally gave in and said only 1 game. I was chaperoning the field trip but was required to drive myself there and could take my son home with me, rather than riding the bus home. When my son realized it was time for the buses to board the kids going back to the school, he said a girl in his class had his DS game (not the unit, just the game). We looked for his class, but they must have already boarded the bus. I told him to make sure he asked her for it first thing the following morning.
When he got to school today, he asked the girl for it. She said she gave it to another one of his friends in their class. That boy said he put it in my son's desk. Then another girl in the class said she found a DS game this morning under her desk and that she gave it to the girl that borrowed it originally. Of course, that girl said that never happened. Now my son has no game. He just got it about a month ago and paid $35 for it out of his own money.
First of all, I have already told my son he will not be taking his DS on the bus anymore, period. I don't care if it's an 8-hour drive both ways. He's not taking it. Here's my dilemma: What do I do about this girl? Do I just let it go? I would really like to call her parents and let her know what she did in the hopes that they will take this opportunity to teach their child about responsibility and courtesy. She asked to borrow my son's game. My son was kind enough to lend it to here. She should have returned it to him directly, not give it to someone to give it someone, etc. I don't know this girl or her parents. I'm not sure how well they'd take my parenting suggestion. I'm not looking for them to replace the game (as much as I think they should, I will not ask that).
I told my son he needs to take responsibility for his carelessness in not getting the game back when they got off the bus. He knew he would not be getting back on the bus and likely would not see the girl the rest of the day. I should mention these are 4th graders, so they should have had some clue here.
Okay, so do I call the parents or just chalk it up to a lesson learned?
Same situation
...except I am a single parent. I have a 10 year old who was arguing with teachers and classmates and fighting almost daily. He also started to be disrespectful at home and when I would send him to his room for punishment, he would kick and throw things around in his room while mumbling under his breath as well as blatently yelling at me.
The second episode of kicking and throwing things, I told him to stop or I would call the police. I was downstairs and eventually heard something break. I was very angry at this point. I ran upstairs to his room (wanted him to hear me running) and I forcfully opened his door (was glad to see that he looked startled). Very angrily, I told him that if I heard one more noise from his room, I would call the police. I told him to clean up the mess from the item he broke. He told me he wasn't going to clean up anything. I called the police.
The police arrived. After I explained to him the long list of problems I had been having with him, the policeman gave him a speech for about 30 minutes...asking him questions along the way to keep him engaged. He said all of the usual things that any adult outsider would say to your kid. This worked for about 3 weeks...then back to the same.
After a terrible morning of him lying about something and being sent to his room for punishment, he started the same throwing, kicking, talking back routine. I politely pulled his suitcase into the hallway. I entered his room and began removing his clothing from his closet and placing them into the suitcase. I told him to go put his dirty clothes in front of the washer so I could wash them. I calmly told him that I was not going to put up with his crap anymore and that I was going to take him to the intake office for foster care. I told him that while he was in foster care I would be inviting his cousins over to enjoy his xbox, model cars, CDs, DVDs, etc. I told him that it was going to be nice having kids around who are respectful and appreciative of my love/affection and other things that I could offer them. He did not say a word. While those clothes were washing, I did not hear a peep out of him. When I put the clothes into the dryer, he said, "I don't want to go to foster care." I told him, sorry...I have no choice....told him I was sick of having a house that was always filled with turmoil. Told hi that since he seems to be unable to control himself and cannot disrespect the mother who works so hard to take care of him and tries so hard to love and support him....he has to go. He says...please don't send me to foster care. I told him I would give him one more chance. I told him that his suitcase would remain packed and that he was to get dressed each day out of that suitcase and that whenever clothes were washed he would place them back into the suitcase.
This happened in April. He is still getting dressed out of that suitcase. You would not believe the difference this has made. He still lies and when he is caught he is sent to his room, but now there is not kicking or throwing things...there is no talking back. He just lies quietly on his bed reading a book or fiddling with one of his little gadgets. After an hour or so (because he is taking his punishment like a normal person should) I tell him that he can now come out of his room if he is willing to apologize for lying and admit that he lied.
Long story short...the packed suitcase has done the trick. He knows that I am serious. He now understands that if he breaks the rules he will be punished. He understands that his behavior while he is being punished has a major impact on the length of his punishment. It is sad that he has to get dressed out of a suitcase, but this has been very effective for us.
My dad was in that situation....
Lung cancer, medication was 3000 a month; trials indicated it worked. He was on it for 6 months, out a lot of money and then guess what, AstraZeneca admitted they manipulated the outcome of the study, the stuff really didn't work at all. He died a few months later (this was 3 years ago). He would have probably lived the same length of time if he hadn't have spent the money. The docs and drug companies are out for themselves, IMHO.
I think about it a lot but different situation (sm)
My two children are almost the exact ages of yours. My husband doesn't have the drinking issue but has plenty of personality issues. I think you absolutely should leave, no ifs, ands or buts. I just think being in that environment is awful for your kids, he is saying it is not going to work anyway and talking about ending the marriage. I say if he doesn't change then yes, go, without a doubt.
sorry for your situation. it is a
shame there is so much focus on the gifts. no, i don't have any great suggestions. couldn't help but think of something along the lines of recent (political) emails about spreading the wealth around...(ha!) The only serious suggestion i have is telling them you think the focus this year esp should be on helping the less fortunate, and rather than give gifts this year to each other, that you'd prefer everyone just donate to the charity(ies) of their choice, or instead of saying it as a suggestion,maybe as a statement: this is what you are going to do and hope that they will too (realizing that "charity begins at home"). God bless.
Sorry you are in the same situation
I took her to her doctor and while she was having an x-ray, I spoke with him about my concerns. He said "you know your aunt...I have tried talking to her too but she refuses to listen". She found out I spoke with him and went balistic - that it was none of my business, etc.
We have all tried talking to her about assisted living close to us but she refuses to leave New York and come here to Jersey. She even refused assisted livlng there. She does have someone come in and clean and friends who help her out. She gets angry because I cannot just get up and leave my job to come up all the time. It is a 2.5 hour drive without traffic. Every idea we come up with she refuses so it is not like we have not tried to get the help she needs. My parents are in bad health so it is hard for them to help out and me being the caretaker of everybody without the little help I receive from my brother - I am at a loss. The real issue here is Christmas.
Sorry you are in the same situation
I took her to her doctor and while she was having an x-ray, I spoke with him about my concerns. He said "you know your aunt...I have tried talking to her too but she refuses to listen". She found out I spoke with him and went balistic - that it was none of my business, etc.
We have all tried talking to her about assisted living close to us but she refuses to leave New York and come here to Jersey. She even refused assisted livlng there. She does have someone come in and clean and friends who help her out. She gets angry because I cannot just get up and leave my job to come up all the time. It is a 2.5 hour drive without traffic. Every idea we come up with she refuses so it is not like we have not tried to get the help she needs. My parents are in bad health so it is hard for them to help out and me being the caretaker of everybody without the little help I receive from my brother - I am at a loss. The real issue here is Christmas.
It is a sad situation, however, you cannot
hog tie her and drag her. Maybe you can spend time with her on a different day around Christmas, just her.
In a situation like that, I think I'd have just
nm
I Am Sorry for Your Situation
you sound like a very caring daughter and i'm sorry for your pain..and your father's. the sad thing is that mental conditions, such as the depression it sounds like your father has, can, in fact, disable someone from working consistently and productively. this is NOT an excuse for your father. if he feels that disabled, financial help may ease his immediate stressors somewhat but don't get to the root of his obvious psychological issues. that financial help might be available to him via the state, and he would need to go through the proper channels - social services - to get it...it is entirely inappropriate for him to play your and your mom's heartstrings. it is also inappropriate to parentify you and to put you through this kind of pain. if he does threaten suicide again, a reasonable option for you is to call the police. don't mention it to your father as a threat - just do it. the whole thing is really sad to hear, especially around holiday time, and i'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling.
I know this situation happens all too often, but
it wasn't my experience, and I know plenty of women who have had great partnered parenting experiences. My husband would have preferred to wait to have children, if at all. I sort of pressured him to have children sooner than later. Turns out he's a great dad. Everything changes, and you can never know exactly what will happen. One of my friends has a very wise father. When we "young people" asked him for advice once about living a long, happy life, he told us simply, "Don't make plans."
I have somewhat same situation. sm
I sent you an email in case there is something I can do to help you.
My situation is that -
I am going to school FREE. I am working 2 jobs (1 part time and 1 full time).
My husband is not on disability - he is on worker's compensation - totally different. He cannot go back to work until the doctor tells him he can and as of this week, he is having a 3rd major surgery that will put him back at another 8 month recovery period and no, he cannot go back to work during that time still.
I know this situation all too well
I have a best friend that has this going on right now. It pains her to no end. Her children get upset and I can understand why.
I am going to give you the advice that I give her:
Grandparents who are messed up were messed up as parents. You can't make them do what you want. Your DH probably doesn't want to deal with it because his parents were like that when he was little.
Anyway, the moral of the story is this: Appreciate if they even come around so the kids know them. My parents didn't for my kids. My children don't have any grandparents because they now are all deceased.
My take on your situation...
You said below that you have not achieved orgasm. I think that may be a large part of the issue. Also, as a previous poster said, if you are continually aroused and then let down, you may get to a point where you don't want to 'try' anymore. It can become emotionally draining.
What I suggest is that you spend some time alone and learn about your body. What I mean by this is learning how to please yourself first. When you discover how to achieve orgasm on your own, you will then be able to help your partner help you achieve orgasm together. If you are experiencing orgasm during sex, most likely you will want to have sex more often and will feel more confident.
I would also suggest that you spend some time online reading about the G-spot. I know it is somewhat contraversial and not everyone believes that spot exists, but I think that is a good place to start as far as information is concerned. Try masturbating on your own and see what happens. Learn about the sensation of ograsm so you know what signs you are looking for. I know a lot of women get a strong sensation and get scared and stop. So, really, read about what signs you are looking for.
Also, you can purchase a vibrator. You can use that alone or with your partner during sex. Trojan has a new fingertip vibrator that you can buy online. I saw a commercial for it, and it looks like it would work fine. It is really hard not to reach an orgasm with the aid of a vibrator.
Okay, I hope I wasn't too graphic for anyone's taste. If you want to talk in more detail or have any questions you don't feel comfortable posting, send me an e-mail and I'll try to help you out. 
If you were in this situation what....
would you do? I need advice. My father has told me he is about to be evicted from his apartment for not paying rent. Background info: My mom and dad are divorced. He lives alone. For years my mom took care of him and paid his way. He sat at home and did basically nothing. I hate to be ugly but I have to speak the truth. My mom would have to give him gas money, etc. When my mom wouldn't give him money he would go to his elderly mother and get it who was on a fixed income. So he has a past of not working. He says there is no work but he has said that for years even when the economy wasn't bad.
Okay, once they divorced he has been on skidrow. He is always broke of course cause rarely works. Every once in a while he will haul a load of gravel. He owns a dump truck. If there is no gravel to haul then he sits and does nothing. He is now to the point of being evicted and has no food. So feeling sorry for him I bought him some cereal, milk, sandwich stuff, chips, and vienna sausage. I am not made of money though. I mean we are just making it like everyelse. I bought him the food 2 days ago. I did it cause like I said I felt bad for him and I am his daughter. Plus I said now he can't say he doesn't have anything to eat. Well today 2 days later he comes over here and says I am out of milk. I can't eat any cereal. I said do you still have sandwich stuff? He said yeah but I don't have no milk. I guess that was my cue to buy him some more. I didn't offer though. I can't buy milk for him every 2 days. Then he says well what am I gonna do when I have nowhere to go? I said well you will have to go live with one of your friends who are single until you can get a place. By the way, I am married, and my husband says oh he__ no he is not staying here. He feels like he could do something to make some money. He said no I can't do that. I don't want them to know I am being evicted. When I didn't offer for him to stay here, he just sat there and put his head down. Then he said you know I have been feeling bad lately, dizzy and all. I think I may have had a stroke. Then he goes into this whole guilt trip. I don't know if I am gonna make it much longer. My I mention he has no high blood pressure or anything. He has been in perfect health. He feels perfectly fine to do whatever. But he says he may die because his health is bad. So I am like well you need to have some testing if you think that. Then he says well I don't have enough gas to get back home. I was like well why did you come here if you didn't have enough to get home? He has done this plenty of times too. He will come and say I don't have enough gas to get home . I guess I may have to sleep on your couch. He said that before one time and he did make it home and was riding around the next day so he must have had gas or money. Might I add he rides around all day. I don't know how he has money for gas and doesn't have money for food.
What would you do if this was your father? I told him to go get welfare and he said no. I don't want to do that. I said well can't you drive the dozer for Josh? That is a friend of his. He wouldn't answer. My mom asked him when she seen him why don't you drive Josh's dozer. He knows how to do that kind of work. He said it don't pay enough. Well if I was begging for food and being evicted I don't think how much the pay was would be an issue. Then after he finally leaves and I have offered no money for gas or anything. He calls me over and over and says I don't have nothing but sandwich stuff to eat. I can't believe my family won't help me. I said dad I bought you food the other day. I have to buy groceries myself and pay bills, etc. He said I know but how can your mom not help me out? I said cause you are divorced. I mean you get my drift, I'm sure.
When I turn him away, I know I will be the cruel daughter, but I feel like he could help himself a little. What gives? Advice please? 
This is quite a different situation
Watching someone drown and stand back waiting to see if God is going to intervene is much different than sentencing a person to die by taking chemo. There has been no, let me repeat that - NO - evidence that chemo saves lives. It is a killer. This is not the only proven therapy against cancer. In fact this is not a therapy against cancer. If you were to start researching natural medicines and holistic health you would find many articles written bout alternative treatments that have been found to work.
Again this is quite a different situation
This is not the kid deciding what he does/does not want, it is his mother. An adult..his legal guardian...his mother who wants him to live and grow up and have a long and health life once he gets the treatment she wants to get to him.
Geez - you people who try to compare this with not wanting to go to the dentist, having someone live with strep throat, ADHD, or the other one who campared this to watching someone drown - are unreal. This is the mother (an adult) making this decision. Not the kid. The kid trusts his mother. What child doesn't.
It is not the govt's business to tell someone what treatment they will receive. That should be the decision of the parents.
What this case has done for people who want to follow an alternative route...from now on if they suspect they have a disease they will not go to their doctor to be diagnosed as they will be forced to receive a killer drug.
cat situation
Being a cat person (all 3 indoors and scared to death of everyone, which is perfect), I love my neighbor's cats who come over. But they are spayed and neutered and do not mark, etc. That said, this is not always the case.
I remember hearing on Randy Lemmon's Gardenline (ktrhradiolcom in Houston, 740 AM) where he suggested putting something under the ground. Of course, this was for the hoomes in our area, and might not even come close to your needs. It's been so long since I heard it that the entire thing escapes me. I will see if I can find it or remember for you. Otherwise, if you go to that site above and click on the Gardenline link, then go to the very bottom you will see a tab (red, as I recall??) that has all of Randy's archived tip sheets. In fact, I was looking through them for something a frend needed last week. The only thing is that I'm ont sure if he put this in an actual tip sheet. This was definitely a call from a listener.
You could also Google some things like that, and/or check sites like SPCA, etc. for ideas.
It can be frustrating. We have rats, possums, etc. here, but Houston is Bayou City. I would never use D-Con b/c of the warfarin in it.
I will check on this later and see if anyone has added anything.
Good luck.
cat situation
Being a cat person (all 3 indoors and scared to death of everyone, which is perfect), I love my neighbor's cats who come over. But they are spayed and neutered and do not mark, etc. That said, this is not always the case.
I remember hearing on Randy Lemmon's Gardenline (ktrhradiolcom in Houston, 740 AM) where he suggested putting something under or around gardens. Whatever the "stuff" he suggested would create an unpleasant feeling for the cats, so they would not want to walk there. Of course, this was for the homes in our area, and might not even come close to your needs. It's been so long since I heard it that the entire thing escapes me. I will see if I can find it or remember for you. Otherwise, if you go to that site above and click on the Gardenline link, then go to the very bottom you will see a tab (red, as I recall??) that has all of Randy's archived tip sheets. In fact, I was looking through them for something a frend needed last week. The only thing is that I'm ont sure if he put this in an actual tip sheet. This was definitely a call from a listener.
You could also Google some sites like that, and/or check sites like SPCA, etc. for ideas.
It can be frustrating. We have rats, possums, etc. here, but Houston is Bayou City. I would never use D-Con b/c of the warfarin in it.
I will check on this later and see if anyone has added anything.
Good luck.
Sorry for your situation
In my young stupidity, about 20 or so years ago, I moved out of my parents' home and into an apartment with a guy I had been dating almost a year. We knew with both incomes, we wouldn't sweat it. 3 weeks after we moved in together, he went back to his ex-wife and I was left with all the bills on my income alone. I had a $200 car payment (a lot for the 1980's), $320 in rent plus other bills. Just 3-4 months earlier, I had gotten a job as an MT at a local hospital and was making $7 an hour. My parents told me to move back home and just pay rent to the landlord because of the lease, so I could save on other bills.
I first took a good look at myself. I was 22 or 23, always having disastrous relationships, now I had an apartment I figured I couldn't afford.
I made an appt with a shrink who gave me low-dose Xanax and introduced me to a therapist who changed my life.
Then, I sat down and figured out my bills. Thankfully, I had excellent medical insurance at the time. By the time I had everything rearranged, I had it figured out to where I had about $5 to $10 in my bank account on payday. I ate Ramen noodles, Spaghettios, Mini Ravioli, etc. I didn't buy magazines or candy or any impulse items. I simply could not afford them. After deductions, my paychecks were around $500 ($1,000 a month). Rent and my car alone took up over half. I had car ins, oil changes, gasoline, etc. One thing that really helped me is that rather than being paid twice a month, we were paid every 2 weeks, so you'd get 2 "extra" paychecks a year. I saved those for birthdays, Christmas and emergencies. I had left previous jobs on good terms and often worked weekends at a video store to make ends meet. And I made it. I was even able to buy a waterbed, my first piece of new furniture.
After that jack*** left, I swore off of men. That's when Hubby walked back into my life (I knew him from some years ago but he had joined the navy and we lost touch). We dated for awhile and he mentioned that since he was getting transferred from NY to SC and that he ought to get me an apartment down there so I could live with him. I told him "Ha. Not without a ring on my finger." I was burned bad once and I wasn't about to move 700 miles from home with a "boyfriend". Anyway, we've been happily married for 18 years now.
I haven't seen why your checks are so low - not enough work? There are a lot of MT companies out there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is see what resources are available. Shop at the Salvation Army for clothes - they actually have nice stuff. Instead of your major grocery store, see if there's an Aldi's, Sav-A-Lot or another low-priced grocery store. Eat Ramen noodles. They're filling and cheap.
You've had a rough time. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and see if you can talk to your landlord and tell him what's been going on and what you're trying to do about it to see if he will let you make up the payments. If you have past paycheck stubs that show you made a lot more money and this is a fluke, he might be inclined to help.
Anyway, again, I wish you luck.
I am very, very sorry for your situation -
I know that you are having a rough time and there is really nothing I can say that will make it better so I am just going to say that I will pray for you and your whole situation to improve.
I can relate to your situation...
My boyfriend and I have lived together for several years. He's a web developer and I'm an MT. We both work at home. Anyway, we did very little w/his family until this past year and now we've taken on (or been thrown into) a whole new role as caretakers for his mother.
My boyfriend's mother had two massive strokes back in the spring. She, too, had not been to a doctor in years and insurance was a big worry at first. The business department at the hospital made sure that they were going to get their money; hence, the Medicaid, Medicare process was started (thank goodness)!
The docs told us that she would never again walk, talk, feed herself, go to the bathroom alone -- you get the picture. We were looking at having to take care of her every single need and, of course, guess who was going to be the ones to "volunteer" do it? That's right... the ones who "work" from home!!! The least qualified!! Her children said, "I can't put mommy in a nursing home"!!! Where are they now? Not here! Man, they ran like scared wimps after they turned the task over to us! Oh, at first they promised to help, but that's not been the case at all.
In the beginning, my boyfriend did not see the big picture either. It being "his mother" and he was going to take care of her. However, when he realized that there may very well be bathroom trips and baths to assist with and that I REFUSED to do it (IOW, HE would have to do it) well, he changed his tune and started listening to me in regards to (1) getting her quality healthcare treatment with folks trained in rehabilitation so that she could at least have some quality of life (I was in no way qualified for this), and (2) checking out all our options.
This entire ordeal has put a great strain on our relationship and my relationship with other family members who only come around when they want something. I won't go there... LOL
Anyway, YES, there are options and these options are for HER best interest, whether she or any other family member may disagree. For her to recover, it's essential that she get all the help she can get -- all that Medicaid/Medicare will pay for -- all the rehabilitation she can get because it's worth every minute of it!
My boyfriend's mother went through very intense, structured rehabilitation programs with some well-trained PTs, OTs, and STs. She can walk, talk, feed herself now and go to the bathroom.
It's very difficult at first but, it's really in her very best interest and you'll all regret if you do not seek the care that she needs from qualified caretakers who can handle these things.
Not only that, it's completely selfish for your MIL, your hubby, and any family member to not demand this treatment that is very much needed and very available!
My boyfriend's mother stayed in the hospital for four weeks and then was in rehab for a another three weeks and believe me, it was worth every single second!
She still goes to speech therapy and, believe it or not, she loves it! She actually enjoyed her stay in the rehabilitation unit.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
similar situation
I had a similar situation not too long ago with my mother in law. Everyone thought because I worked at home I could take my mother in law to her doctor appointments and grocery shopping and anything else she needed to do. I informed everyone that I started a job with a new transcription company and I could no longer come and go as I please during the day. I told them I am logged on to the new company's computer starting at 8 AM until 4 PM every day, and I have to be there when work comes through or the company would know I was gone and I would lose my job. It really has worked. No one bugs me during the day anymore. They finally think I have a "real job".
Chickadee, what did you do about that situation?
t
Strange Situation....
OK, I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this, but I'd love your opinions and advice.
We're good friends w/our next door neighbors -we go to each other's kids parties, have lot's of cookouts, and do lot's of things together. The last thing was our Christmas Open House. They were here, all was 'normal' and we all had a good time.
For the past three years we've celebrated New Year's Eve together. I mentioned it at our party a couple weeks ago and she kind of himmed and hawed b/c they may be out of town, but then, no, they would be in town. She'd let me know.
Then, later that week, a friend of hers who is an acquaintance of mine called me about this makeup she sells. In casual conversation she mentions an open house our neighbors are having and says she'll see me there. Uh, what open house? We were not invited, no mention of it, no come by after your family leaves, nothing. The acquaintance kind of back-peddles, but there's no going back. Their open house was yesterday, and from the looks of their driveway there were 30 or more people there.
Their kids came over today to play with our kids and the little was saying how we should have come over, didn't we see all the cars? I wanted to, but didn't say we were'nt invited.
Now, should I swallow my pride and just call over to see about New Year's Eve, or just let it go?
Sorry to hear your situation
and glad to hear you're getting out (and that no children are involved!!!).
I have not been through this, but my thoughts are that because you have been abused by this man, the courts may well take that into consideration (safety of the dog???). Has he ever abused the dog? It seems that a lot of people who are abusers of people either began by abusing animals or have no problem abusing animals. Even if he has shown the dog more respect than he has shown you in the past, now that you're no longer there, someone will have to be the target of his frustration/rage. It may well be the dog.
The next time the situation comes up.... sm
When you can tell she's about to give her "left it at home" speech, try to pull her aside so the child/children cannot hear her and then if she says she left it at home, just ask her, quite calmly and courteously, why she keeps saying this but then never seems to have a gift to give? Tell her that it's perfectly okay if she doesn't give a gift, for whatever reason, but it is unkind and insensitive to tell a child something like that and then not follow through.
The main thing is for you to stay calm, no matter what she says or does, and to emphasize that it is not the gift that is important, it is the child's feelings and his/her disappointment when a promise is broken.
I don't know your SIL so I don't know if this will work - but that's how I would handle it.
How would you have handled this situation?
Yesterday I was at breakfast with my mom and sister. At the table behind us (to my back, I couldn't see it, but could hear what was going on...my mom and sister saw everything) there was a man, a woman, and 2 babies. One of the babies threw her crayons on the floor; the woman was not at the table; the man hit the baby in the head for throwing the crayons on the floor! Now, these were babies, maybe 16-17 months old at most. When the woman returned the baby was crying and reaching for her. She comforted the child and asked why she was crying. The man just said that she *dropped* her crayons on the floor, did not mention that he had hit her in the head. I was so tempted to turn around and say, *and he smacked her in the head for dropping them too*, but I didn't. No one said anything, although there were several other people in the vicinity.
How would you have handled the same situation? You just never know what kind of reaction you'll get when you say something to someone. I'd have hated for the woman to go off on us and start screaming or something, much less the mean ole man. I feel bad for the babies. What, in hindsight, should we have done, in your opinion?
What would you do about this situation regarding ole friend?
This is a friend of over 40 years, lives out of town from me. I paid for surgery for a dog that belongs to her son several months ago, lots of $$$ and then I tried for several months to buy medicine such as vitamins and pain pills for the doggie. I have reached the breaking point to where I do not want to do this anymore. Her son is a druggie (but also has a really good blue collar job that pays more than I can make, if he would work) and she tries to play on my sympathy now by emailing about how the doggie really needs the medicine but she does not have the money right now. I ordered the medicine from my vets office close by and I told her she could call them (where she lives, the medicine much, much higher) and I just told my hubby I would not mind picking it up and sending to her (it would cost me around $2.00 to send) but he says still I would be playing into enabling her son to not step up to the plate. The lady I am speaking of draws her social security but spends almost every cent she can rake and scrape together to give to both her sons (they are grown- in their 30s). No amount of my talking to her telling her she is enabling them does any good at all. She told me she even bought the druggie some of his drugs before!! I was floored.. My question is- what would you do, ignore the emails about no money, tell her to pay for the medicine and I will send to her or just what? Thanks to all.
A similar situation (sm)
I also read your post from below and now I feel compelled to respond. My sister went through a very similar situation. She has always been overweight and her ex-husband married her that way. He gave her grief in the entire relationship about her weight, threatened divorce, the whole bit. He, too, was very picky about how the house was kept, how his meals were prepared, etc. Like you, she did what she could to make him happy, but it never seemed to be enough. It seemed the more he ragged her about losing weight, the heavier she got. He just couldn't understand that (he never had a weight issue). They separated at one point, she moved out, only to move back in several months later to try to make things work. Guess what...it didn't work. She finally made the decision to leave for good, now she is remarried and very happy. And she is still overweight but her current husband doesn't mind (he's heavy too!). I saw my sister spend many years unhappy and it is so good to see her happy now. She and her first husband didn't have children together, but her current husband has two sons that she absolutely loves.
I know the thought of divorce must be extremely scary, and I know there are children involved. But you need to be happy, and your children need you to be happy and healthy. It doesn't sound like things are going to change in your situation. I think you know you have been there long enough to figure that out. You need to do what is best for you and your kids, and if your husband can't accept and love you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. Just my opinion!
Best of luck to you. Keep us posted on what you decide to do!
I am going through a similar situation...
My husband said the same things about me. He left 2 years ago, then cried and came back saying he made a huge mistake. He tried to be happy for the last 2 years and a month ago, left me and our 3 kids again. He was never happy. He said he did not feel anything for me except contempt basically that I have kept him from doing the things he wants to do, fish, hunt, etc. He says he will always feel a fondness for me and the time that we were happy and the fact that we have 3 wonderful kids, but he cannot be happy with me. If he does not like who you are, then let him go. Or you go, whatever you need to do. Especially since he hit you. That is one thing you should not let go. My husband never hit me, but he was getting to the point that he hated me. I still love him, but I think the best thing for us is to not be together anymore. He is being selfish (my hubby and yours). Go, and find someone someday that will love you the way you are, flaws and perfection. That is the hope that is keeping me going, that there is still someone out there who will treat us like the goddesses we are. Hang in there!! You can do it. It will not be easy or happy, but in the long run, you will probably be better off.
I was in an almost identical situation. My take on it
is that the MIL feels the same way as the SILs do but is better at hiding it. It trickles down from the top.
Consider it done, praying for you and everyone else in this situation
My thoughts on your situation...
First of all, I WOULD NOT under any circumstances babysit, puppysit, or anything sit...do not get that started, trust me it will never, ever end. Although I am not sure exactly what you should do, I do feel for you. Perhaps just having a stern talk with the management and let them know that if something isn't done, you'll get an attorney. I'm sure they'd hate to have one of their good tenants leave.
However, I do take exception to the *girl out of the trailer park* comment. My family grew up in a trailer park and we are all fine, upstanding citizens, clean, employed, and never, ever bother the neighbors.
Wow! exact same situation! (sm)
Same here. Exactly the same.
i have not experience in a situation like this, but sm
he's controlling you, you probably already know that. as i was growing up, i saw my dad control my mom, he abused her (i didn't see it, but could hear it and see the after results), he mentally abused her, degrading her nonstop. i wished for years that my parents would divorce. they never did. they've been married almost 37 years. he's better, but he still is controlling. she can't have a conversation with him about anything as far as money. i felt so sorry for my mom all those years and i still do. i love both my parents, but sometimes i don't think my mom will ever be free from his controlling until he dies. i'm not wishing death on my mom at all, but he's always been the type that wants to know where she is if she's late, and as long as i can remember, he's always acused her of having a boyfriend, even til this day. they are in their 50s and he needs to grow up.
i guess i'm sorta giving you perspective from a child's point of view (even though i'm not a child). and today, i often doubt myself and hope i don't ever act the way he does, and i don't want to parent my kids the way he parented me. i felt like a little slave sometimes.
you need to do yourself and the kids a favor and leave. i think you'd be so much happier. when he's gone for days at a time without you knowing where he is, don't you think he's probably with another woman? you have to stand up for yourself and your kids. you don't need that kind of person telling you you aren't any good. he's doing that on purpose. he's probably already ruined your self esteem and the kids will be affected by this. my self esteem is really low. my dad told me as i was growing up i was always too fat. he is much better with me today, but i still worry i'll do something he won't approve of even though i'm almost 37 and i've been married for 14 years. many times i think i need to go to a counselor.
anyway, please, if you can build up the courage to leave, you need to. if you have any family or friends you can discuss this issue with and get support from them, do it. i have a friend who was in a loveless marriage for about 10 years. they got a divorce. she didn't even have a job, but she made it. the dad doesn't see his kids much because he lives in another state. but she is strong and you can be strong too.
keep up posted on what happens. also turn to God. he's there with you. we all go through struggles in life so that we can turn to Him for comfort and to also make us stronger.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation...
First of all, do you think you could make $25 payments on the $100 or something? That might make it a little easier to pay off. I'm sorry to hear that your son is struggling. Does he see a counselor on an on-going basis? Do you think he could use art as an outlet for what's going on inside of him? I'm sure you've probably already tried just about everything with him, but I just know soooo many troubled kids who were literally "saved" by throwing themselves into art of some form, so I thought I would mention it. I will say a prayer for you and your son, and I truly, truly hope things get better for you guys.
I feel for you and your situation- should never be like this
A true love is not someone who calls you names. I think probably he is frustrated by the fact he had to get a job and make a living. I will say this, his hitting the wall in frustration could easily turn to hitting you also. He really needs some anger management and how he should treat his wife. I told my hubby the other day if men knew what he had, they could have a woman wrapped around their little finger. He is always and I mean always, every day of my life, saying such sweet things to me, like he was in the store and bought me some ice cream- it being sweet like me and dreamy stuff. Most guys (he is the only 1 in my life that I have met) do not know how to treat women. They do not have a clue. If I did not know better I would say my husband raised in all female household. Your hubs needs some intervention, sounds like before things really get out of hand and not just name calling. My hubs does not yell, curse, scream, belittle, nothing like that. You deserve better.
I can relate --same situation. sm
My daughter goes to college out of state in New England and does not get any financial aid, which makes no sense because when my other daughter was in college at the same time she got financial aid for a private college she was going to. Any scholarships that are available are only for Massachusetts residents. This college charges for every little thing. If she wants to join the gym, an extra $100.00. She told me she needs to move in one day earlier for Soriety business and it will cost an extra $100.00 to move in one day earlier. She thinks it is senseless also and tell them she won't be coming a day early.
If you have outside health insurance you can probably have that charge dropped. We declined the colleges health insurance at $1,0000 a semester.
I feel bad that my girls have a lot of student loans to pay back but we are not wealthy at all. We live in our means. There is no way we can come up with $25,000 a year for college.
I had the same situation only worse(sm)
my 9-year-old nephew (who I rarely see) stopped in with his father yesterday to wish Christmas greetings. Somewhere in the conversation as we were talking about work in general my nephew pipes up and says, "Maybe you should get a REAL job." I can only assume that discussion among the adults in their household centers around the fact that they don't think I "really" work even though I I sit for eight hours a day (and have for 10+ years) just like if I went off to the hospital to do this (which I did for 13 years before that).
The situation may be complicated, but
the solution is probably simply DDAVP. You all can concentrate on more important things if the bedwetting goes away.
JMO.
I think you're right in this situation, but you might
I think this might be one of those "live and learn" situations. Next time you have someone move in with you (even a good friend) get everything in writing upfront. If they seem offended that you are being such a stickler for the details, just explain that it will help avoid any confusion down the road.
I think it's pretty shady that your friend just decided not to pay you all of a sudden though, as you were obviously counting on that money. She should have given you some warning and clarified things early on. The last time I had a good friend live with me it completely ruined our friendship and we haven't talked for almost 2 years now, so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice on this subject! I just think it's hard to live with close friends without having it affect the friendship negatively, but maybe some people can do it with no problems. Hope it works out well for you.
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