I agree with Kendra, if you fear he would be physicall abusive - (sm)
Posted By: MT Mom on 2009-04-14
In Reply to: I was not ever meaning to be rude, but if... - Kendra
then you need to be away from him. He is just your boyfriend, right? Not even your husband. I left a marriage recently from an abusive husband. He "only" beat me physically once, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive at other times AND he looked at young lesbian porn online. If I ever start dating someone and I get even a hint that they could ever become physically abusive to me I will run from that relationship so fast your head would spin. Please get away from him!! Dont even deal with it another day.
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ABUSIVE HUSBAND!
YOU ASKED! I think you need, at the very least, to get professional couple counseling. This is clearly spousal abuse and you need to learn why you have letting it go on so long. If he won't go (and I'd bet money he won't), then go by yourself and learn why you have put up with this for so long. I am sorry you are hurting, but you have the power to change all this. You could start, at the very least, by reading self-help books about assertiveness training, spousal abuse, self-esteem,etc. Good luck!
(By the way I was in private practice as a psychotherapist for years, and am a medical transcription teacher now.)
Is this an abusive marriage or not? (sm)
I have been posting below about my debt, my husband opening credit cards in my name, cheating, etc. I recently called a domestic abuse line to try to get some clarity on my situation. They said it was domestic abuse and to take out a restraining order on him, that would last for 10 days, then we both go to court and state our cases, and then the restraining order may or may not be instituted for a year. All I could think was how angry this would make my husband. It would put him right into battle mode and I would be toast. Apparently a lot of abusive men use the threat of taking the children as a way to subdue their victim. It works because it scared me into wondering if I can even try to leave.
Anyway, here is what he does: Has not hit me in the last few years but in the first 10 or so years of our marriage would push me around some, back me against the wall when arguing, grab my hands or finger if I pointed at him, etc. A few years ago he went nuts and beat me up, banged my head into a pole on the carport, bruised my arms, pulled my hair, screamed in my face biting my nose with every word. I went to my neighbor, who was a police officer, and told him, and he told me not to report it because my husband would lose his job - a high paying professional level job where he is well-respected. So I did not turn him in but did go to stay with my family in another state for a week and made him go to anger management counselling. He went twice but stopped going as soon as I came home. Prior to that time he had also slapped my son (at the age of 2) once in the face and had grabbed me when my son would fall, keeping me from being able to pick him up until I would fight my way away from him. After the big event and anger management counselling he has not hit anyone again at all but is always seething. He is a hunter and has guns in our house and I am afraid that one day he may snap again, as I did not see it coming when he attacked me before.
In the last couple of years, our marriage has barely existed. I have wanted to leave but he keeps talking me out of it. I am pretty sure he has been cheating for a long time and had some good evidence, though not proof, about a year ago, and stopped having sex with him. He has been angry, sends me emails asking me to have sex with him or give him a "BJ", grabs my breasts whenever he walks by and just lets them fall (just very disrespectfully), or grabs my crotch or whatever. He says very rude things to me. I have told him in the past that if he will work on our relationship then we may be able to get back to having sex but he says I have to work on the sex part first then he will work on the relationship.
About six months ago I had a car accident about a mile from home and called to ask him to come get me and he said no, just let them tow the car to the shop, I'm sure you can get a ride home. When I got home he said if I was not going to be a wife to him, he was not going to be a husband to me. So now he will do things like clean my car and expect a sexual favor in return. When I don't do it he says he does things for me that he doesn't want to do, so why can't I do things for him that I don't want to do?
This could go on and on so I will wrap it up. He insults me all the time, controls the money, makes me feel bad about myself and WORSE makes my son feel bad about himself. My daughter so far has been left out of it and he just ignores her. She is doing well in school, is a normal weight, etc. But my son and I have both gained lots of weight, my son seems depressed and withdrawn but promises me his dad has done nothing inappropriate to him. My son is scared for me to leave his dad because of the visitation time he would have to spend alone with him without me there to be a buffer (husband makes him work for hours raking leaves, etc and will not let him have breaks. I have to step in and make him let my son take breaks or tell him when enough is enough. Husband gets very angry about this. I know children have to do chores but they need to do them as children, not as grown men when they are not adults). I can go and file the restraining order but my husband will fight will all he is worth if I do. Maybe if I try to reach a happy medium with him in a divorce he will be nicer?
Why does no one want to talk about this? I have tried to talk to people at church and they all act horrified. My husband is Mr. Personality and I guess no one thinks he could do things like this.
Define "really abusive"
That phrase alone tells me you have never been in an abusive relationship. Writing a letter describing flaws can be just as demeaning (read abusive) as telling her to her face. Unless, you have been in a similar situation, you really have no right to say her husband is not "really abusive." Mental abuse is just as debilitating as physical abuse, and that is exactly what the letter was intended to be. And yes, I too believe in marriage, but a "date night" isn't going to change the abusive type of behavior.
Your father was violent, abusive, totally different than all above
NM
Classic sign of an abusive is a very , very fast romance - sm
leading to marriage, which it appears you have done. He has successfully isolated you from your family and controls everything you do. He is deciding where you live, what "he" wants to do, work, etc. You don't mentions kids, and I hope you don't have any, but if you do you need to take back some control if you intend to stay in this one-sided marriage. Sounds like you have no say/input at all, it is his way or no way. My DH gives me grief when I visit my family, as do my in-laws, I go anyway. He doesn't like it but he cannot stop me from going. He knows better than to try. He will make my life living hell until I leave, trying to get to stay, but I think only one time did I give in and not go, and boy was I mad at him for quite some time (and myself for giving in). My DH is very passive-aggressive but most of the time I ignore him but other times he gets me all worked up ready to kill him and then he is fine, and I am all mad. Drives me crazy. But after 12 years of this I have learned not to take the bait so much, and have seriously though of kicking him out, though he's refuse to leave as it "is his house" (it is in his name only but we bought it 10 years ago while we were married, so it is every bit mine as his). So if you get to the point when you are sick of his controlling ways, go see a lawyer. I plan to soon myself just to see where I would stand in the event of a divorce. We both have our faults in my marriage and I think it is smart thing to find out what could or could not happen in the event of a divorce. You might want to see what your rights are too, cannot hurt. As for your sister coming, just say, Mary is coming to visit and tough cookies if this bothers you. She has never been here before and I want to see my sister and niece and if you don't like it make yourself scarce while they are here. ---Good luck.
Abusive to women, animals - thank goodness there are no children involved. (sm)
get her out of that situation before any more harm comes about.
Youngest daughter once dated a guy and we discovered she was afraid to not be ready on time, to wear something he didn't like, etc. Soon we found out there were bruises on her upper arms and near her breasts. Needless to say, we marched her to the courthouse, got an ex parte. He broke into our house after that when he thought she was home alone, we pressed charges and had that young man paying court costs for quite some time in addition to going to anger management classes.
We were lucky, we got her out before it was too late. He had her emotionally beat down to the point she couldn't stand up on her own. Heaven help those without a support system.
Kendra, I'm right there with you...
I've got an entire SET of matched baggage I lug around with me courtesy of my mother. My BF, whose mother abandoned him for many years when his father was killed, has not only forgiven her but treats her with the utmost respect and no hidden hostility. He also treats ME with great respect and any other woman I've ever seen him encounter.
I don't think the average guy has issues because of mumsy. Maybe the proverbial "mama's boy," who was waited on hand foot and his every whim catered to, who then expects his GF/wife to follow suit.
But I agree...I know far more women, such as myself, who lug the baggage courtesy of their mothers, not men.
Well put, Kendra
*I am not against a hand UP but I am very much against a hand OUT.*
Very, very well put. I become infuriated when I know people who making living off of the system a lifestyle and feel entitled to it, when so many others genuinely need help and cannot get it. The system was made to be 'assistance', not a lifelong support.
IMO, people living off of the system just drain it so that those who really do need a *hand UP* cannot get it.
Kendra, that is why I have my own ATM and
hubby has his own. I don’t use his, he doesnt use mine. Works out really good that way. We neither one know what kind of money the other one has.
Congratulations Kendra!
Assuming from your post you are pregnant too. That's wonderful! :)
I'm pregnant and there's a lot I would tell people for the money too. Can't say I blame he/she...I blame the people who buy the magazines and watch the TV interviews. I don't support it one bit. No different than any other woman getting IVF.
Kendra, I'm with you completely on this
I have a lot of animals and unfortunately have lost a few through the years. It is never easy and I have never stopped feeling conflicted about the decision to euthenize them, for the same reasons you mentioned. If I am reasonably sure they aren't suffering, and if I still see a spark of joy or love of life in their eyes I do what I can to support them, JUST LIKE I DID FOR MY MOM when she was paralyzed and bedridden, being fed through an NG tube after multiple strokes. She indicated to me that her life was still valuable to her, and I find it very difficult to determine when life ceases to be valuable to the person or animal living it. Also, I have seen miraculous recoveries after all hope was lost. I'm perplexed that we assume an injection is the "humane" way to deal with ailing pets yet recoil at the thought of human euthenisia.
Love and blessings to all of you going through this.
Sorry, that was Chia saying that, not Kendra
Reading the post and I do not see where that was said they did not need the jacket. Was that in another post?
Kendra, join in whenever. You would think with all the
negative that NO one else ever heard some of these things. Now, really! I left out some really juicy ones. Guess I will have to do a part 2, you think?
Kenna, Kendra, Kimberley nm
:O)
awww...hang in there Kendra...
he will be home in no time and you can have all the sex you want!!!
So MTmommy and Kendra, question for you
I noticed the ages of your children and both said 2. Have you worked outside the home before these children were born?
Kendra, I did not read what you did, where did the person
buying jacket from QVC said they did not need? Maybe I missed it?
Like I said before, Kendra, READ THE ORIGINAL POST.
Sheesh.....!
Kendra! READ the post! Nothing was mentioned
And seriously consider getting your tubes tied.........
Katiana, Korinna, Kendra, Kari, Kayleen, Kyra nm
nm
This is my fear also . . .
10-15 years from now they will find some horrible side effect.
re: fear
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121:5-8
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
re: fear
Fear is a tool that satan uses to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do. It is also actually sin cause it shows our lack of trust in the Lord. I'm not saying it will be easy to let him go, just that God will comfort you when you trust in Him....
Lovin Jesus,
Jan
why fear it when you won't know it??
:) I am about to turn 28 and I am already losing mine... I know I'm going to get Alzheimer's and that makes me SAD (SUPER sad), but im not afraid of it...
a little fear
can be a good thing, like pain...it tells you something is wrong.
There's a book called "The Gift of Fear," written by Gavin DeBecker. This is from the book jacket: "True fear is often a signal that can save your life. Are you listening?..." This is from the publisher of the book: "Through dozens of compelling examples from his own career, security expert Gavin deBecker teaches readers how to read the signs of impending danger by using their most basic--but often most discouraged--survival skill: intuition. This book provides a unique combination of practical guidance on leading a safer life and profound insight into human behavior."
BTW, I've read that one of the worst things women do (I'm totally guilty of this) is to sit in the car after coming from the store or post office or wherever, reading mail & balancing checkbooks while sitting in a parked car...perfect opportunity for some slimeball.
You did the right thing: Trusted your gut.
d.
If no fear, then what exactly is there to be 'against'?
X
I bet then he sensed his fear
Dogs can sense that a mile away. I know mine can. whenever anyone comes over that is nervous about dogs, the dogs wanna hang all over them and like double sniff them. LOL
my worst fear right now is that even
if I have cash in my hand, it will be worthless, and might as well use it as TP.
not one single fear
zero, zip, zilch, nada...
we are born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. the rest we create or obtain on our own later in life. me: none, other than the two i was born with.
I got married out of fear. Then (sm)
I stayed married out of fear. Then he bought me a GPS and now I'm adventurous. Not being able to navigate was one of my biggest fears. Another fear was not having money. The way he spent our money, we never had any anyway.
that has always been a fear of mine..
that I would spill the grape juice or something.. I always feel like I'm soooo shaky with those little glasses..
your fear should not hold him back.
I understand your feelings, but this seems like a completely reasonable and good trip being planned, one that could mold his mind/heart for his future. Your son could make a very positive difference in many others lives. If you haven't already, learn to trust God.
I understand your fear! I have three sons between
17 and 20 years old. Now and then they talk about enlisting, and of course I worry about the draft. For selfish reasons, I want them always to stay close to home, where it seems to be safe. But it's a very high calling to serve one's country, and I would support that decision if my sons decided upon it. If the draft were brought back, I'd be terrified. I do not support this war. I don't think it was the right thing to do. But I do support the people who serve and respect their decisions and am incredibly grateful to them for their sacrifices. I will also continue to support them by doing whatever I can, small though it may be, to help bring them home AND keep peace for us all. I wish it were a simple thing.
As for our children, the fact is, once they are 18, they can make the decision to join without our consent. Talk to each other, love her and appreciate her. If she decides to serve her country, you do not want to part in anger, and trust me, you will want to support her in any way you can.
I think that's probably a common and rational fear (sm)
I can't stand it and I imagine most people, especially females, but also males, don't like it either.
Fear, not respect. It's not the same thing.
And the fear only lasts until they are bigger than you are and can hit back. You'll probably be surprised when that happens and can't imagine where it came from, but you're the one who taught them that violence is an acceptable way to deal with problems. Some other things it teaches are that it's OK to pick on/bully/hit anyone smaller than you who can't defend themselves in order to get what you want and that once you're an adult, anything goes.
Think about it. You spank a kid for hitting a sibling while telling him it's not nice to hit. You break the hair brush/ruler while paddling your kid for breaking something but you suffer no consequences for breaking something. What you get is confusion and fear, but not respect. Maybe the kid turns out OK; after all, there are other influences in his life. Maybe he doesn't. And if he doesn't, I hope he doesn't have a gun.
Phobia means fear.
Everybody throws around the word homophobia, but that is not the right word. People who are against homosexuality are not afraid of it. They think it is wrong. It's just annoying to keep seeing this word used in this way.
Ain't no way on this earth I am going to live in fear
You all are really lacking a lot to have this man rule your lives. If you were a man I would tell you to man up but both of you lack a backbone.
I finished Harry Potter! Never fear - no spoiler.
Wow - what a great book & series. Brilliant! As Ron would say.
I would rather have my door open on a nice day, then live in fear...
That is not a way to live your life...and that is not living in la-la land...
spanking builds fear that you mistake as respect
A child who has been abandoned by both parents has no trust in anyone. Why do you think spanking is the right way to build trust? We just need to agree to disagree on this issue. I trust the counselor's recommendations more than yours as hers have proven to work. Spanking does not _make_ ALL kids do good. Sigh.
Life is too short to live it in fear. I'd rather sleep in my car -sm
than with someone who mistreated me either physically, OR 'just' psychologically. And even if the kids don't actually see anything happening, you better believe they're still picking up on the bad vibes.
The fact that he mentions killing HIMSELF, in addition to you, is a major red flag. If a person reaches a point where they actually talk about doing something, they're alot closer to doing it than when they were just thinking it to themselves.
Guns in the house. (Guns, pleural!) Not good. I'd have insisted those be gone before the wedding day, myself. (Haha - it'd be in the prenuptial agreement that I'd never get married without!)
Anyway, living in fear for the sake of the greater financial 'security' of having 2 incomes is no security at all, in my book. It's a huge sacrifice of your freedom, peace of mind, & safety. The greatest security you can give yourself or the kids is finding a way to provide for yourselves WITHOUT the 'help' of an abuser.
Yeah that's my fear. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but (sm)
I don't want to be a dummy either
Please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It can save your life. NM
x
What an awesome post! I agree, agree, agree completely with you.
 You are right on the money in my book! 
I agree, try to live in another country, then you will also agree...nm
nm
absolutement! Agree! Agree! Agree!
Why is it so hard to understand this? HMOs are just middlemen who get everything balled up and costly!
I agree with you - not judging either but agree (nm)
:)
and I agree with you *nn* -
I agree......
I agree with everyone's reply here. Also--one more thing...DO NOT TOUCH THE RADIO/CD PLAYER WHILE DRIVING!! It was 17 years ago that one of my best friends was killed this way-very responsible girl, just did not think for that one moment.
I was a responsible teen, but my parents set strict rules on my driving. At the time, I did not understand but now that I have a 10-year-old son who keeps reminding me each year that he will be driving in __ years, I understand completely. If it were an option for us, I would keep my kids babies forever.
Another thing you can do, just to maybe ease your mind about driving is take her to the local police department and have them to show actual footage of accidents. I know that sounds pretty harsh, but it has saved a lot of kids lives in my surrounding area.
Hope this helps!!
wow - I sure do agree with you!!....sm
I would rather them be locked in a car driving than strolling or walking alone - In Florida - we have had MANY YOUNG KIDS killed (murder) by being alone walking to and from school. My children are VERY responsible and pay for everything, except that car insurance (which is wayyyyyyyyy too much) which I offered to pay until age 28. By the age of 28, they'll be earning more $$. My OLD brother (and he's very old *LOL*) did this for his son until age 28 (think he's about 38 now) because of the exhorbitant insurance rates. I decided to follow suit. If we have it, why shouldn't we help them. I'd rather help my children while I'M ALIVE AND KICKING rather than what they get when I die, IF there is anything to get *LOL*
Y'all have a GREAT day!
Remember, we can all agree to disagree without being nasty and rude.
and I so agree with you!!!.....sm
One of my children saved all the Xmas/holiday/birthday $$ ever received from toddler-hood so that at 17 had $6000+ and put it down on a BRAND NEW SMALL CAR, albeit I had to co-sign the balance. Child did pay the rest off. I too am very proud of the children who are young still, one has worked for 10 years already (started off part-time at about 14 after school by own choice).
Yep, I want kids to hang out in multiple numbers today - never walking alone - too many CREEPS out there in the USA today and they are EVERYWHERE....really creepy to me.........
Let's sing out for the responsible good kids who are out there trying to live life in this messed-up world!!!!
HOORAY FOR THE CHILDREN!!!! They are our future and if we don't back them, well then we are up the creek without a paddle, right? 
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