I've dealt with this on both sides.
Posted By: mtroadie on 2008-05-07
In Reply to: Here's what I have done... - MTHubie
I have 3 boys. My oldest son is very giving and caring (sounds like your daughter). He's been bullied a few times. Different responses apply to each individual bully. Some bullies can be dealt with best by the school or their parents. These are usually the kids who come from good homes and their parents don't always know what happens when they're not around. I generally deal with the parents if they're level-headed. If not, I go straight to the school.
Other bullies come from parents who don't give a darn what they do. These kids are the hardest to deal with. I have had to face these bullies myself. I flat out told them if they continue to pick on my son or bully him, I will call the police and they will be dealt with as a juvenile deliquent. This seemed to stop things pretty quick. I also followed that up with the letting school know what was going on because I had a feeling the child might pick on my son when I'm not there. The school was great about this and were well aware of this bully's behavior. It alerted them to keep a closer watch on my son at recess when this kid was around.
The other side of the fence is my 7-year-old son. I had gotten a call from his teacher early in the school year that he was bullying a couple of smaller kids. My son had a late birthday, so I held him for kindergarten, making him a year older than most of his peers. There didn't seem to be any problem in kindergarten, but by first grade, he realized that he was bigger than most and could use this to his advantage. From that first call I got from his teacher, I made it very clear to him that I would not tolerate bullying from him. I also told him the school would be watching him and if I hear any reports of him bullying others, I would punish him at home as well. Other than a few minor kid things, he's been pretty great. I even explained to him that because he was bigger than the little kids, he needed to protect them and watch over them like a big brother. He's come home a couple of times and told me how some older kids were picking on his friends and he stepped up and told them to knock it off. I was very proud of him and needless to say, he has a lot of "girlfriends" now.
My point here is that not all parents know what their kids are like outside of the home. It's very possible this girl's mother had no idea. Unfortunately, she was already hurt and angry when you talked to her and it probably didn't help things. I would suggest sticking with the teacher from now on with this one, and in the future, bring any problems immediately to the teacher's attention or the parents (depending on their temperament and how well you know them). Most importantly, I have also taught my children to stand up for themselves, use a firm voice, but walk away if it's just words and we'll deal with it together. The only time I allow my children to hit is if they're being physically hit and the other child won't stop. Our school has a zero tolerance for fighting, and it just wouldn't be worth getting expelled otherwise.
Hang in there. She's only 8 -- the really bullying starts in the teen years (I'm remembering mine), not being popular enough or having money or wearing cool clothes or being too smart or not thin enough. It goes on and on. In that case, I'm glad I have boys. They get less catty as they get older (I hope).
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I've lived it, both sides and it goes both
I've been on both sides and I have seen stepchildren thrown in the middle, guilty parents on both sides. I have seen the new single mom (now married mom) want her husband all for herself and act SHOCKED when she realizes she can't have him all for herself...it's not always a fairytale ending. It does sound like the child is playing her and it's obvious why, but I witnessed first hand a grown woman manipulate her stepchildren and husband, until she had both turned against her. Instead of expecting all the attention, perhaps your time would be better spent with your stepson NOT expecting anything from your husband, since you're not getting it, it sounds but instead, go out of your way to give him attention. Take him somewhere just the two of you and eat at his favorite fast food place, go to the zoo, something without dad. When he has to depend on just you and dad isn't there for comparison and pity, you might see an improvement for the better.
Anyone ever dealt with (especially married to) a true narcissist? (sm)
I have posted on here a couple of times about my husband and now I am finally figuring out that this is what is going on with him and why I question myself so often. Has anyone been married to a narcissist and did you get out??
This is exactly how I dealt with backtalking when I raised my kids.
Honestly, I would have been prepared to smack a kid right in the face for talking back to me, but it never came to that. Not even close! I started with them from the time they could talk. I modeled respectful speech, and when they shouted at me or spoke disrespectfully, they got the stern mom-voice and a time out in their room. By the time they were in school, all I had to do was give them a look. So many people have asked me, "How can you get them under control with just a look?" I guess I just cultivated that super power when they were little! Really, it was just consistency. Today, I have adult children, and when we're gathered for dinner together and we're laughing over our cups of coffee at the end of the meal, invariably one of them will crack some sort of joke or make a comment that will prompt me to give them that look. Immediately, the offender will say, "Sorry, mom!" and give me a sheepish grin. And then they'll all start up about how mom still has the power of the look. My eldest, the real wise-guy, once snapped a picture of me at the precise moment I gave someone The Look, and he now has it taped to his refrigerator door. He says it reminds him to behave as he goes through life, plus it makes him smile. Makes me smile, too!
Has anyone ever dealt with a legit Secret Shopper company?
I've often thought of doing this, but wonder if there are any legit ones or if they are all scams.
there are two sides
in my opinion, if you wrote him off because of a disagreement about money then YOU were/are wrong. i have basically already asked this and you have yet to respond.... have you ever owned up to your part of what has contributed to this dysfunction? it seems to me, from reading your posts, that you blame EVERYONE but YOURSELF for everything. dad was a deadbeat, son is ungrateful, daughter is spoiled... oh wait... i stand corrected. your hubby is absolutely wonderful.
you also mentioned above that you could not be happier with your life... well that is one very sad sad comment. i have a daughter and a son myself and i can't imagine my life being complete and happy without them in it.
I AGREE WITH BOTH SIDES . . .
I know these kids need attention, there are SO MANY needy kids out there, but you have to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. I have been in too many instances where the child manipulates and the parents see no wrong with what they do . . . it has been very hard to explain to my children why these kids are bad news. They can show a good front, get the sympathy and then BAM . . I have also learned from the past 12-1/2 years of being home with my children, that we cannot take care of everyone else's children . . been there done that. It's a sad, sad situation . . . and only getting worse.
2 sides to the story
First of all I think there's another option that neither you or your sister are seeing, home health aide. Look into it re: insurance etc. I can see where both of you are coming from. I don't know your sister's financial situation or how far she has to drive to see your father. I think that she probably feels she is working hard to earn her paid time off but if she has to use it all to take "everybody" to the doctor what will happen if she needs to go to the doctor herself or wants to take time off for a vacation or mental health day. You have to admit she has a point.
My advice would be not to alienate your sister. You are going to have to work together to take care of your father. I would arrange a time for both of you to sit with your father and lay out the facts. With little to no eyesight, he simply cannot live completely independently any longer. If he wants to stay at home then either hire a home health aide or a live-in caregiver or one of you would have to move in with him. Avoid the word nursing home and instead suggest an independent living facility where there is assistance with daily activities such as preparing meals. Be open and honest with each other. You have your own separate lives and not only do you not want your father to feel like he is a burden, you also do not want to feel burdened. With the cost of gas these days, your sister certainly has a valid point. As far as her popping to Wal-Mart and the mall, she could have perfectly viable reasons for going to Wal-Mart including grocery shopping or perhaps purchasing your father's medications there on their $4 plan. The mall may be her escape mechanism.
You both sound stressed out over this situation and you both need to take care of yourselves first and foremost before you can be expected to care for someone else. Good luck to both of you and remember that you both love each other and your father and only want the best for everyone.
There are several sides here, listen!
You had pain - you had suffering - you don't want to be alone. Set some rules, don't have any alcohol in the house at all. If anyone wants to visit at the holidays, they'll have to drink tea or coffee. That's what I do and barely anyone comes. So case closed as far as that goes. No one is saying you're a bad person, what they're saying is don't write your Mom and your Grandmom out of your life because you are punishing yourself. You are in the medical profession or associated with it. You know this goes on all th time in most families that will admit it. The posters who tell you to get over it mean well, they want you to have a family. You set the ground rules. Your OP said you want to forgive but cannot forget. You have gotten off the track here, read your OP again to yourself. Give them another chance with your rules, that's all people are trying to get across to you, according to your OP. Get back on track with the forgive thing and you will be happier. Just set the rules. Believe me, we've been there and just haven't posted what we've been through. Your story sounds familiar. There were no rules to protect children like there are now. You mom must have gotten the same treatment and her mom or they never would have done the behavior. Hate the sin and not the sinner is all anyone said here. They're just trying to shake you into reality before you spend a lonely holiday. If they don't keep their side of the bargain, then you have to tell them, not us. It's up to you, you asked for opinions and you may not like what you got, but you asked and people answered. God bless you and your son. Try to have a happy family holiday if you can.
And there needs to be "respect" on both sides. Neither should be "serving" the other! Yo
s
You are cracking my sides, these posts
are soooooo funny, not the BF nut but the others. Thanks for the laughs.
This is a hard topic for me - I see both sides (sm)
I have had prayers answered, but I have seen such suffering too and I know those people have cried out for help. You can always ask, but you never know if it is going to be God's will to solve the problem for you or not. I don't see how you can have blind faith that your problem will be solved when not all problems that are prayed about are solved.
Good reminder about the two sides SM
I'm not condoning the animal kicking; it's wrong and there's no two ways around it, although I have to admit that when I have been trying to go in or out of the door without coming under siege by the dogs, my foot has swung- not hard enough to do any damage whatsoever but enough that it clears a path- but my dogs are small and low to the ground so the arm or shoulder that I might use to push past my big dog converts to a foot or a leg to move the little guys.
That being said, what I'm hearing as an undercurrent is that you live either in a rural or semi-rural area, and you have decided you want to move to the 'burbs and have convinced the kids that they want to move to the 'burbs, and everybody is nagging at your husband to get them out of the wasteland he calls a home and move them to the civilization of the 'burbs. Much like the rest of the animal kingdom, backing a man into a corner is going to bring about a reaction, and the whole overboard on the hunting thing may be him thumbing his nose at your suburban ideal.
Also, there are a lot of people who when they recently get into a new hobby or past-time go just a bit overboard. I myself have about 300 jigsaws down in the basement from when I thought that would be fun (only about 50 of them ever completed). My son has a collection of stuff from his martial arts phase that now sit in the back of his closet. My ex has owner's manuals and extra light bulbs and a million parts for that period when he was restoring his 1950s pickup truck. And I won't even talk about all the crap I have from various crafts I decided I was going to take up at a given time.
If you're looking for a reason to dump him and move to the suburbs, I guess his hunting is as good a reason as any. But obviously, at least to me, there are other issues, and I agree that if you want to save this marriage, counseling is the way to go.
My child has been on both sides of that fence (sm)
He has been bullied before but he has gotten really good at standing up for himself. I literally have given him comebacks that he can use if he is being verbally bullied, and have told him that while he is never allowed to start a fight he is always allowed to defend himself and even though he may get in trouble at school, he will not be in trouble at home.
One time last year (fifth grade) he was verbally bullying a boy in his class. He said some pretty mean things. I got the phone number to the boy's house through a mutual friend, called, and then too my son to the boy's house to apologize in person, in front of the boy's parents. We talked for a long time beforehand about how the boy must feel to have to go to school and have someone say things like that to him, role-playing such as "how would you feel if that was you" sort of thing. He also lost computer priveleges for a week. He has never bullied anyone else.
However, he did kick a boy in the shin earlier this year when the boy hit him and said he was going to beat him up. My son is strong but doesn't like to fight. I think all kids should be able defend themselves if needed though.
Breakfast casserole sides.
1. Biscuits with assorted jams and preserves, perhaps a sausage gravy boat.
2. Baked cheese grits or fried grits.
3. Cinnamon rolls/assorted pastries.
4. Blueberry or orange-cranberry muffins.
5. Hash browns or potatoes O'Brien.
6. Sausage patties.
Wow! Such anger at differing sides of opinions!--sm
I don't want to change the subject here, but personally, I do not appreciate the cigarette smokers out there either, at malls, at restaurants, or even adjoinging apartments where I live and throwing their cigarette butts *in my space*, and having to smell that sickening smell coming in my patio door while they smoke, but there is little I can do to stop them. I just have to tolerate it, as it is their choice to want to die of lung cancer, etc. TOLERANCE is the word, I suppose, for the rights of others and we all should respect that. Personally, I wouldn't care if an animal were allowed inside a store. I love animals, too, and they do not cause cancer and induce second hand smoke into my space. How is an animal inflicting on anyone elses rights? I do not understand such anger and vehemence at this subject. My goodness!
Yep! Sounds like TMJ. I wake up with the sides of my tongue...
sore because my jaw clamps down on my tongue and sores on my cheeks from biting them. I would also have an aching jaw for weeks at a time that required mountains of Motrin and muscle relaxers. I finally went to the dentist and now have an acrylic mouthguard I wear at night. I hated it at first, but boy does my jaw feel better. No more aching, no more trouble chewing, no more sores on my cheeks and tongue! Cost me $300 for the mouthguard cause my insurance wouldn't pay, but it was worth every penny!
Go to your dentist!
My SIL fringed all the sides and didn't leave
an opening, although for young ones I really like the idea of sort of sleeping bag. You can buy fleece in all sizes so then you can decide how big you want to make it. My SIL made one for her 6Ɖ hubby so when he is on the couch he is completely covered up. BTW, I think they are beautiful and would live anything my MIL made for me. Well, she once made me a cake with rasins in it....very allergic so couldn't even pretend to like it.
My problem is our kids are the only grandkids on both sides....
so both sets of grandparents spoil them rotten...
100% English, all sides of family, all members. nm
x
If you've got one, you've got bunches!
How do ya feel about cats? That's what I'd do...get a cat...but I love cats and love it when they bring me 'presents' of dead varmints.
If that's not an option, and you're not comfortable with baiting, glue traps, or that sort of thing, it'd be worth it to hire a professional 'cridder ridder' or exterminator. Those things will chew up your walls and floorboards like you have no idea and cause incredible amounts of damage. Good luck in your jihad!
I've done this 12 yrs and I've had to take breaks sm
Took a break and worked at my kids preschool one year, worked at a hospital one year, took a couple months off once. It does burn you out because it takes all of your concentration. When I worked at the hospital as a secretary I could not believe how easy the job was ;-) I was sooo used to just getting paid for actual work that when I had a conversation with a coworker or a phone call or took lunch, I felt like I was getting away with a lot! I hope your break works out!! I wish you lived close-by, we could take turns watching each others kids ;-)
I've been using...
Zicam severe congestion. It gives me temporary relief and I've been taking Singulair, but originally nasal discharge was clear, this morning it was yellow (don't mean to gross anybody out). Could it have turned into a sinus infection? And if so, is it time to see the doctor??
I've tried that...
I've done that along with changing my diet but still no relief. I just received an e-mail saying to try vitamin E which is what I am going to try next.
Thanks a bunch.....
I will try that too, I've had enough of this...sm
where to I go to do this, remove IE7 and reinstall IE6.
TIA
oh yea, we've been through that one . . SM
My husband is the type of person that avoids conflict, does not want to face it, because if you pretend it's not there, it isn't, right???? Yea. He was in counseling for a while, but never went back after a few times. He really felt like last night was a punch in the face, like it's a game or something . . . like if you look the part, you ARE the part.
I've been there...
Hang in there...
I have one, but I've only had it for a day
I definitely can't do more than a minute on it, as it REALLY targets my inner thighs. I can really feel it working already, but I don't know what the benefit is going to be to everything it states, i.e. thighs, abs, back. I did a lot of research before I bought it and the only negatives I found were about ordering it through the company's website. So, I ordered it through QVC and saved a lot of money. Plus I received it only 3 days after I ordered it with no extra shipping charge.
A few I've seen....
The Wedding Date
Must Love Dogs
In Her Shoes
The Family Stone
In Good Company
What's the most you've ever won? sm
How did you win it?
I've with you on that! --nm
nm
LOL, I've seen some of those!
 I admit it, I must be a pervert 'cause I think it's hysterical.
I've been on it
now going on 3 weeks and love it. I never use up my points and am always full. Best thing is you can still eat the foods you love. I only purchased the starter kit and did not join. I feel better and have lost weight and best of all I'm never hungry. But, like everything else, 1 diet doesn't fit all. I've tried Nutrisystem, Adkins,Right Size Smoothies, and Medifast and they didn't work for me. So far WW has worked. Also, you don't have to give up the "cool ones" on this plan.
me too - I've been doing this for over 9 (sm)
Same problem, and it doesn't go away overnight. Mostly my right (pedal) foot. Is yours?
I think I've seen something like this
But can't remember which one...a bride having her bridesmaids sign a contract, yeah right...I'd tell her exactly where she could put all her demands...geez!
We've actually done that (sm)
There is, unfortunately, an "out", meaning that if they have ever been invited to call (We refi'd our house and had been calling mortgage brokers, etc) they are exempt from the list, at least in New York. So it could be a brokerage or something trying to drum up business (not my problem)but all I have is an 866 number to go by, no name on the caller-ID. I wonder if you can get them back on the list after your business is finished.
I've been there
I understand. For 17 years I dealt with this, always feeling like I was never doing enough, if only I could do more then maybe.... I became very ill myself because of it. I had no life of my own, -- I lived for the next crisis, just like you -- and no one could understand, not even my doctor. I didn't find peace until I took the burden off my shoulders and put it on His--until I realized I had a responsibililty to God for my own life and I was losing my life, my freedom to find His Will for me and do it, to someone else's addiction. In this case, it was my mothers's. She was there night and day as well, no escaping. I gave up my outside job and worked from home too. I finally had to move in order to remain sane and THEN other family members had to start doing their share of helping out while I tried to regain some sense of self. It wasn't until then that she even got a clue that I had a right to my own life.
Your daughter, loved though she be, is robbing you of your life. That is not right. But I don't know of a stronger bond than that between a mother and a daughter no matter what problem may arise. One can never really walk away, forget it, etc. like so many will tell you to do. Inside, that bond lives strong. All you can do is find a way to deal with it, a way that is fair to you, healthy for you, a way that will keep you strong or else she will take you down with her.
For me, it was distancing myself physically and praying for her. I realized for all my love of her, only He could make the changes in her, and He did once I acknowledged how true the words are, "Without Me, you can do nothing." Now I pray for and expect miracles if it so be His Will when I have problems I cannot resolve. It brings great peace and strength -- and HOPE because I've seen first-hand how prayer made with faith truly does bring them and I don't feel like I am carrying the burden all by myself anymore and then I accept whatever He lets happen, realizing He in His wisdom knows more than I.
Talk to a therapist -- tell them what you've just written here. Again, they might have access to resources you don't know about. If their advice sounds harsh, and it probably will, listen anyway. Consider it. Your life DOES matter too. But don't ever lose hope in God. Ask for the strength and courage to do what must be done for the sake of the both of you and grace for her to change. Nothing is impossible for Him to do. Nothing.
Have you read the books by Melodie Beattie? They help. Feel free to e-mail me if you wish.
Oh thank God. I've been following this sm
and have been just sickened by the whole thing. What a pretty little girl. Such a terrible thing to happen to an innocent child.
N/T - That's what I've been doing
I've been watching a lot of episodes, or at least bits and pieces of them online to get caught up. Some things still confuse me. The new season looks really good.
I don't think I've met one since
I was a kid. You're right - it is a very alert breed. It could run very fast and bark, definitely running a tight ship, even if it was on dry land.
They are very beautiful dogs, and live longer than any breed, which sounds really good to me.
Yes I've had it (sm)
and it is very annoying, but it did go away. I just tried to get my exercise and sleep and do some facial stretching exercises where I stretch and relax my jaw and other facial muscles. I try to pretend the twitch isn't there, and pretty soon it isn't.
Hope it quits soon.
Yes I've had one
I had one a few years ago...not that bad, just uncomfortable. It only takes a few minutes. It's like a large needle that they insert through a small incision over the area in question. It suctions a bit of tissue out and that's it. Mine was benign. Good luck to you!
Thank you....I've done it...sm
4 times and my sons have done it once...They went through blazes in the south in high school with their long, patterned braided hair (they learned to braid themselves bkz I could never get it tight enough to suit them). But, when ridiculed by their coaches, school administration and teaching staff they replied, "Cause we want to donate to Locks of Love like mom, and it's hard to get a good grade of black hair...It's not just white kids that get cancer".  Cat
I've got to say
That sex scene with the old girlfriend amputee was quite something! I'll never be the same!
I've done this...and..
I was a struggling single parent working for a doctor and in the 10 years I worked for him I had to get an advance twice. He was very kind and thought nothing about helping me. He also gave me a loan to get out of debt with a 3-year payback plan ($50 out of each check). This way he also insured that I would stay at least 3 year until my debt was worked off..LOL..so it worked for us and I ended up staying 10 years and I still do fill-in work for him. He saved a single mom's life..I would never ask a large employer, but usually small companies are very kind to their employees as they want to keep you..
If MT is all you've ever done, and yer too old for - sm
going back to school to be a viable option if yer already workin' a 12 to 14-hr day, then yes, we ARE struggling. The only way an MT can make money these days is to marry it.
Yes, actually I've currently got - sm
FOUR litter pans. I clean them constantly, wash out daily, have tried every kind of litter they sell. She doesn't seem to care, except she wont use the natural kinds. Feliway was an expensive failure. It seems to be more behavioral than anything. If I stand right there and say "Use your box", she will. (Knows she's gonna get a treat!) crate-training helped the first time, by the 4th it was fruitless. Called the rescue she came from but they won't take her back, saying she's un-adoptable, and the only choice left is to put her down. So, this is pretty much her last chance. Getting the medication into her is no walk in the park, either - she hooked a claw right into a vein on my arm last night. I advertised her for adoption last week, just to see if I got any takers, and all I got was a kid with a boa constrictor.
I've had 4...
I was a flake, but I was also a fertile turtle and a statistic: 2 pregnancies happened WHILE on birth control. The first time, I was a teenager. There is no way I could have had a kid. I don't regret ending the pregnancies; I didn't feel guilty, & I still don't. I remember at the time I was consumed with anxiety about the whole thing, but I never considered having a baby & giving it up. Selfish? Whatever. Sometimes I think the word "selfish" has gotten a bad rap. I couldn't formulate the thought of, let alone wrap my mind around, the concept of going through a pregnancy & making someone else a parent when I was 16.
The last 2 pregnancies occurred when I was on birth control and was married. I simply did not want to have a kid. Period.
For awhile 4 abortions seemed like a huge number until I talked to a birth control counselor at a college I was going to...she told me that on her first day as a counselor she had talked to a woman who had had 28 (not a typo) abortions. Now THAT is extreme. I don't think abortion should be a form of birth control.
I've never regretted not having children. There have been times I have regretted not having gone through the birth experience, but I have never, ever wanted to be a parent. So it's okay. Mothering, at least in part, can be experienced in other ways (beyond the scope of this post), & this is enough for me.
I've done it - sm
When we would go on vacation and still had milk I'd freeze it rather than pour it down the drain. It always seemed fine when I thawed it out again. Not to mention, I used to always freeze breast-milk when I was working out of the house or for babysitters (for what it's worth). Go ahead - give it a try. The only thing, though, it will probably go bad a little faster after it's thawed.
I've been there
I have been in your shoes. Last year my husband died unexpectedly at age 56, I literally woke up one morning and he was dead in our bed next to me (aneurysm). That started a downhill spiral . . . . since then I've lost our home to foreclosure, my car has been repo'd, and I lost my job due to cuts at the hospital. I can't begin to tell you how depressed I've been. I've had to make some major changes as you can well imagine. I am working now and starting to pull myself up out of the dark hole I've been in.
The poster above is right. You need to see a doctor. I found out that most major health systems have programs for those of us with no insurance and no money. Call their financial offices and just tell them point blank you need to be seen and you have no insurance. They will not refuse you. I found a clinic near my house that is part of a large hospital. I was able to see a doctor for a physical and get my annual Pap and mammogram done at no charge. They gave me samples of my medications (I have asthma) for a few months until I had insurance again. They prescribed an antidepressant which worked wonders and they gave me that as samples each month.
Move closer to your family. You'd be surprised how supportive and helpful they can be. My family has been supportive of all the decisions I've had to make and helped me through them. Spend time with your grandchild, kids can make you feel so much better. If you're not making much money, go sign up for assistance. I did. I didn't think I ever would, but I had no choice. For just myself I was given 174.00 a month for food and it helped out tremendously. I know it's hard, but you have worked all these years and you have paid into these programs all along, now is the time for you to benefit from them. You may be hesitant to take free medical care or ask for food benefits, but remember THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY and you will get back on your feet. It may take a while, but you will make it. Good luck to you.
I've been there.
I don't believe in getting even - although, whew! I'm human. I've performed several mental castrations.
But through quiet observance, being stuck around this person albeit distant, I learned I didn't have to stoop. Life took care of that time and time again with the fool.
Talk it out with the right person, cry it out, write it out as much as you can; key word is out. Find an outlet, running, drawing; don't bury it within.
the few i've known that had
deer as 'pets', did not let them roam free. Guess you'd have to call local (animal control?) and see.
a roaming wild animal pet is in grave danger, because their natural instincts are replaced with trust. Persohally I don't agree with keeping deer as pets, esp in a neighborhood.
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