I'm having a hard time understanding having a baby for selfish reasons...
Posted By: Emily Ayn on 2008-12-27
In Reply to: People bring of valuable insights, but...sm - Mom of 6
My older sister feels the same way and doesn't want kids.
As I pointed out above, I'm being selfish by wanting my alone time and doing my own thing and not having to care for someone else.
but watching my little sister be a mother, it is one of the most SELFLESS acts I've ever seen.
So I guess I'm confused at how come you point out that it is selfish... just because you love babies doesn't make you selfish to have them. and of course it's "necessary" or we as a human race would be over ;)
I just feel like being a mother is the toughest job in the world... so I don't know how to combine selfish with that. I do see your point in a way that we want something to love, but I just look at it as being a family... I want a family. I know there are people who are content on their own... but I guess your point would be "WHY" do i want that family? I can't answer that in specific terms.
I guess it's to share the love that me and him have with a child or children some day... to expand our happiness. well i guess that is selfish. ha.
I'm glad you are such a good mom. I don't know what I'd do without mine.
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I know what you mean about the time reasons but
the last couple of times I watched Pretty Woman there were added scenes that aren't in the original movie. To me they have made the movie longer to be able to get in more commercials, JMO
I agree...not selfish at all..we have all felt like that at one time or another..
although some of us probably don't want to admit that...glad she vented to us and not her mother...
SF ice pops, jelly beans, other hard candy. And baby carrots with almond
s
We had a very hard time with my SIL
married to my younger brother. She was a total gold digger. Sucked up to our family until they were married and then nothing. She would walk into my parent's house and if she saw something new like a stero, she would say we will take the old one, etc. She is now gone. We really like his new wife. Defintely loves my baby bro. My other brother is divorced. My ex-SIL and her new boyfriend travel with our family all the time. My brother works for my hubby but has basically dropped out of out lives.
I'm sorry, but I have a hard time
She made a conscious choice to do drugs, drink, have baby after baby...that's not mental illness. She (like the other poster stated) puts herself in the path of the photogs...going out 5, 6, 7 times for fast food...come on now. Flashing her no-underwear-wearing behind...yeah, she's mental alright...just not mentally disabled. She needs to grow up, live up to her responsibilities, and take care of her kids, plain and simple. And her mom needs a good a$$ kicking, IMHO of course. 
I am with ya. Having a hard time doing t his anymore.
I could not put a word to it but "fruity" describes it perfectly. My brain is just fried after 26 years. I cannot see myself doing this until I am 65, 14 more years. Holy Cow. No way. Gotta look into something else. Have to wake up my brain. Good luck with the billing job.
I think you'll have a hard time finding someone who will (sm)
come for one hour every day. As wonderful as that would be!! I think they could do that in an hour. But finding someone will be tough. Most housekeepers around here make $75 to clean a house and that takes them 2 or 3 hours. They make more than we do sometimes!!
I used baby oil 1 time on my hair, OMH
it could not be any worse than what you have used and I was having a heck of a time getting it out. My hair was sooooo dry. I worked with some nurses and 1 told me to use rubbing alcohol, that would cut it. Of course after that you might want to use another shampoo but at least it got it out.
Just like a baby who cries every time
you lay them in their crib until you pick them up. You just have to ignore them and STOP giving them treats.
I liked mine & so did baby but only for a short time (sm)
To me, it was really only good when the baby was very young. I never tried to use it with them sitting up on my hip or anything like that. But when they are tiny, those things are great. Also keeps the wind off of them :-)
Ya'll are just too kind and sweet. I am having a hard time thinking "I'm the better person&
all of this. Thank you for your support. You are exactly right. She doesn't want to "make nice" with me. She is feeding on my vulnerabilities. I can't believe she can live with herself like that. Poor thing. My husband and I got into the biggest fight yesterday because I refused dto go to his mothers house. I went and she was not there! Thank God! It worked out well and I had a very nice time. My husband does not understand my pain and not wanting to be around her.....
I "feed" on positivity and niceness. I love nice, sweet people and can't, for a second, be around meanness. A lot of it has to do with my upbringing...
Ya'll are great and I appreciate you so much. Thanks!
I'm having a hard time too - Charlie Brown's Christmas music has helped some (sm)
It hasn't been very cold around here...parade yesterday we were sweating. One thing that has helped me is I got the music CD from Charlie Brown's Christmas and have been listening to that and watched the little cartoon. That has always been one of my favorites. But I'm just not feeling it much either this year! I think the fact that the stores put the Christmas stuff out right after Halloween and sometimes before just makes it all seem like another day! And for me these days it just seems like a time of year where I have to spend money. Anyway, you're not alone :-)
Third time is the charm! I put my baby as my avatar in my profile.
Man, I'm just not a techie!
What are you not understanding? lol
See link: :)
http://www.answers.com/topic/scrapple
Thanks for understanding..sm
I don't really know what statement Tom Cruise had made. It was late last night when I posted about anti-depressants and I did not want to get into a big long drawn out explanation of why I felt that way. I shouldn't have to, as it is just my own opinion. But now I have explained why I feel about anti-depressants as the way I do. I don't want any arguments either. Time is way too short to bicker about things that really don't matter any. Everybody has their own opinions about things and that should be respected. Unfortunately, that does not happen much on this board.
thanks again.
my understanding
it is my understanding that a spouse can receive SS benefits off of their retired spouse, I'm not sure how much, it's not as much as the working spouse; I read "up to half", but I believe that is further reduced if the non-working spouse begins receiving benefits before full retirement age and will remain at that rate even after reaching retiement age.
as far as Medicare goes; it is available to all individuals meeting the age (and in some cases health) requirements.
thanks for your understanding
and your opinion. I am hoping you are wrong, but I am taking what you say into consideration. I think we will ultimately see a counselor because we do want it to work, but I am aware of the fact that it may not, even if we want it to...
I don't think it's wrong to want to have friends over for casual dinners and theme parties... :( or even GO out for the occasional dance! When I start a family I will not be planning on going out dancing... just thought I'd add that...
I need help understanding ...
I did not grow up wealthy, but solidly middle class. We had a city house, and a country house (10 weeks every summer) my father was a business man, my mother a teacher. In my adult life, I have been rich and I have been poor, but with a friends and family safety net, mostly in between. Not everyone is so fortunate, and I feel it is our responsibilty as citizens to help each other. Why should someone be able to have life saving surgery simply because they are wealthy, as opposed to someone with no insurance OR someone whose insurance won't pay? Why should someone in this country, who works full time, go hungry and without dental and medical care?
Please, explain it to me, I need to learn about this very self absorbed kind of thinking. I need to understand how those who claim to be on "the religious right" couldn't care less about a starving, poorly educated born child, but get all hissy about a fetus.
Please, tell me.
Sorry am not understanding
pirate in his sites- did the President go somewhere?
I am not understanding of what you are saying
The person above saying she thought we both were spoiled. I in no way am making her or anyone else pay for that, just don’t understand where you get my being spoiled has anything to do with the issues we have between us. I am far from miserable, have wonderful marriage, travel a lot, have most I strive for, just don’t have to struggle like in earlier years. I would be the first to admit spoiled but that does not play into the relationship. Cannot figure your answer out???
Wow! Unusually understanding cop! - sm
When I had only had my license for about a year, I got stopped north of L.A. for slowing down in the left-hand lane of traffic on an older fwy. that had only 2 lanes in each direction. What that dipstick didn't understand was, the offramp I was exiting on the old-style, on the left side. It also had a very sharp curved marked ཕ MPH' on it, so I had slowed from 65 to about 55 as I was easing off the fwy., and he gave me a ticket once I'd stopped at the bottom. He said I got the ticket because 'a car passed me on the right'. Only thing is, I later checked the Calif. driver's handbook, and according to that, passing on the right was legal on freeways. Of course back then I was too young & too much of a chicken to fight the ticket in court. And, I had all my friends with me that day, who usually preferred to ride with me 'cause I was a safe driver! So, of course I was mortified..........
Sometimes I'm also the only one out there who slows down in the rain, too. I don't get these guys who still try to drive 75 when there's an inch and a half of water on the roadway. I've hydroplaned in a downpour, pulling a TRAILER, no less, at only 32 mph. So I have a very healthy respect for bad weather!
Driving in the Sierras during a snowstorm can be entertaining. On interstate 80 there is usually a spot where, if you don't have 4WD and snow tires, you're required to stop and chain up. A large percentage of the drivers on that road in winter aren't going up to ski, they're on their way to Reno, often for the first time in winter. They'll stop at the checkpoint, pay some guy $10 to put their chains on, and then as soon as they've gone a short ways, and they think no one's watching them, they stop and take the chains OFF! Further up the moutain, as you're going over Donner Pass, there are often cars everywhere; on the center divide, in snowbanks on the side, etc. And of course then there are the teenagers that think 4WD = invincibility. They think the extra traction that gets them moving in the snow will also stop them faster. NOT!! What I worry about the most when I go up skiing in a storm is one of those bozos skidding into me....
Understanding how you feel
really I am but when the diagnosis came thru on my child, that was devastating for her and me both. That was much, much worse than ever knowing the fact she had engaged in premarital sex. I did not worry about babies but having been thru all the reports on people dying right and left I was a basket case. She is now 10 plus years since and get this, another shocker for me-she tells me stopped taking her antiretrovirals some time ago as they are so poisonious for your system. She is now grown (30+) so I cannot make her decisions. That is certainly 1 I would not have made but I do not delve into her life, only here for backup.
It is my understanding that the owner of the --sm
property has the right to ask anyone to leave. It is their property and they do not OWE you to live there, even if you have been there all your life. If you are paying less rent than the average renter, I can see why he is doing this. You may be a good tenant, but everything, these days, comes down to dollars and cents. He may not have to do too much to "renovate," but he can get a much bigger price in rent. I really don't think you have a leg to stand on and I am sorry for your situation, but the owner can do anything they want to with their property.
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I SM
will make a call in the next few days to find some help. I don't usually think of myself, but this has been so terribly difficult.
you mentioned innate understanding.... sm
I do believe that God instills in each of us a connection to him. I believe that this is why so many people who are constantly searching and seeking fulfillment in anything but God and his holy word are having a problem finding that peace and fulfillment that they so desparately crave.
Thanks, you are a real understanding person....nm
ss
Yes, he's being selfish. When
my Toyota was 15 years old, still running well, but my DH had had 3 new cars in the meantime, when I complained, he quickly switched cars with me and let me drive his newer one. Then a deer hit him in it and totalled it, but he probably drove it for a year. I didn't even have a child to consider. Sounds like your DH is hung up on his image or something, but if you want his conscience to kick in, you might want to avoid yelling about it. If he "forgets," just quietly ask again, gently reminding him he wouldn't want the car to break down, leaving his wife and child stranded.
Selfish
How is it selfish to want to make sure he does not have anymore children? She said that he does not want more children, no matter what happens.
Are you being selfish? The only one being selfish in this sm
is HIM! I am sooooo sorry about this. I wish you were close to me (Columbus, GA area), because we have a very strong support group-system in our church (a very large church with overe 7,000 members) and I know some women going through what you are going through right now.
Your husband doesn't seem to understand that love is not a feeling but a committment. I don't "feel" love for my husband every day - in fact, he does 1 or 2 things that repulse me; BUT, I would never just leave him because I just didn't love him anymore.
Another point is this: Flames and love can be rekindled, no matter what people think. It truly can. I saw a couple get re-married and this woman wanted absolutely nothing to do with her ex anymore. I just saw them recently at a pizza place and they were very happily in love.
Your husband needs help. He has a family and a wife.
But if there is absolutely no way for reconciliation and your closest relative is 20 miles away, then too bad for him. He will make an effort to see those precious kids - remember, this is his doing and not yours. If this is where your family is and they will welcome you and your children, then you must go there. email me if you need anything!
I think this is his selfish way
of trying to keep your daughter from having friends over. It makes me think he wants to do his own thing on the weekends, and is upset that his weekend is taken over by other plans.
If he won't be generous and nice in front of company, then it seems like he needs to go off and do stuff with his buddies when your daughter wants to do something with friends over. He doesn't seem to care about anybody's feelings but his own, so he's not making an effort to make everybody comfortable.
So start by talking to him and asking questions about why he acted that way, and discuss your expectations for offering hospitality to guests. Maybe he's never had any training and has no common sense in the area?
Am I being selfish?
I'm having to undergo some medical testing and my husband has offered to come with me. Now, when he's having medical problems he wants me there and I'm always happy to accompany him. But when I'm getting testing or in the hospital I don't want anybody around. I want to concentrate on what I have to do and not feel like I need to entertain anyone or make conversation, etc. Does anybody else feel this way? I feel like I must be abnormal or something. I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I ask him not to come.
Not selfish at all
I think whatever makes you feel more comfortable is what you should do. I think that if you explain it to him the way you just explained it to us he should understand. I'm sure he wants to go to be supportive of you because you are for him, but probably would be happy to do whatever you want. I wish my husband would come for things like that with me but he will not.
IVF is selfish....
With the over-population in the world, I really do not see why in-vitro and any kind of fertility enhancement is necessary. Why is it when someone cannot conceive naturally but wants a baby soooo badly, everyone bends over backwards to accommdate. There are people who would love to have a liver transplant, heart transplant, reconstructive surgery, but I don't see anyone being catered to for those reasons. I really am hesitant to say this, but I will, and that is that anyone who would go through IVF procedures and spend that much time and money (or insurance money) to satisfy their need to bring a human being into the world for their sheer pleasure, in my opinon, would not be ideal parents anyway. It sounds simply selfish and narcissistic. And I would not want to be a child conceived in vitro. Just my opinion. Attempts to convince me otherwise are welcomed. Maybe I'm missing something. And the fact that insurance is paying for IVF is just wrong, totally wrong.
I don't think IVF is selfish for those that truly need it - sm
my sister-in-law and brother were fertility challenged. It took her two years to get pregnant the regular way. My brother having a low sperm count did not help the situation either. She then had a myriad of family issues come up with her parents and put off trying to have another child for 5 years or so. Again, she just could not get pregnant. They finally went to a fertility clinic and they tried everything possible but IVF as their insurance would not pay for it. They still ended up putting out tons of money for what insurance would not cover. (so not everyone's insurance will pay for IVF) She still never conceived after drugs, daily injections, ovulation kits, etc. They tried for 2-3 years again with no luck. At this point she was 47/48 (My brother is 5 years younger) or so and they gave up. She really wanted another child but will obviously have to content herself with the one she has. I am sure it does not help her to hear that, well at least you had the one baby, many don't even have that....which is true of course, but she was very depressed for a long time while she came to terms with it. I just wish she had started trying again sooner, as I think she would have had a better chance then, since she had age and fertility issues against her as it was. But thankfully my newphew is a great kid with a good head on his shoulders and they are my kid's legal guardians as well if my DH and I are ever killed/die together, so I know they have a good family to go to if ever necessary.
Why are men so selfish?
I get so sick and tired of my husband never listening to what I want to do. It is always his way or the highway. Last April, we lost our home and were foreclosed on. Our credit is ruined. The place we are living at now is in my MIL's name. The lease is up next month. My husband wants to move again. He says he doesn't like it here. (He does not like anywhere we live.) Our 2 year anniversary is next month and we have already lived in 3 different places. I am so sick and tired of moving. He cannot be satisfied. I told him last night that I think we should stay here for another year so that it will give me time to rebuild our credit up some and save up money for us to move. He still wants to move. I told him we are not going to have enough money to pay for a deposit and the 1st month's rent. (I can never save any money with him because he spends soooo much) He said well i guess we will just have to go without for a while. Or he always wants to rely on his mom. I told him that I don't want to depend on her. So then he told me, "Well, I AM moving." So that is that i guess. I have to do whatever he wants even though my plan is a lot safer and makes more sense. His mom does not want to help us this time. Can we rent a place when we both have terrible terrible credit? Have any of you had to deal with this? I just want to strangle my husband. He is so spoiled and selfish and never ever listens to me.
you are selfish
you are offended because you are selfish. Stop taking your own emotional temperature so often, turn off the computer and go talk to your son.
How is she selfish?
I think what she did was so unselfish...her husband beat her, that situation in itself is not good for children to be around ever...her husband clearly has other things to "DO" and has not called the children since she left...like I said you obviously have no children or you would have a tad bit of sympathy...
My understanding is that both parties involved are black. nm
x
You are not understanding me. It doesn't matter how he gets the info. sm
If he works for the police department he most certainly can go into the archives or whatever you want to call it and pull up this guy's history or past. I'm telling you, they can do that. It is not a secret. Someone's police records are NOT a secret at all. Nothing like a medical record. All records are public knowledge. You can obtain them. You can obtain a rap sheet on ANYONE if they have one and you ask for one. If a business were to do a criminal background check you are given one on that person if they have a background. These records are not protected. The paper can run your history, anyone can run your criminal history and I think it's great.
It was my understanding, the checks are mailed out on Fridays, and
delivered..provided the mailing address was correct!
How much are stamps these days???
Be patient, kind, loving and understanding . . .
sounds to me like he is missing you and your mom/family life. He is probably hurting right now and needs you and for some reason he finds great comfort in being with you. My dad died 13 years ago and I loved having him around. I know your situation is different, but be the comfort he needs right now and I am sure this will end in time. He is looking for reassurance for something. Who divorced who? He is probably hurting a great deal right now even though he does have a new girlfriend. You won't regret being there for your father. Trust me.
My understanding from my attorney is that during the divorce process,
from the time I file until the time it is final, the judge can issue an order forcing him to leave until it is final and a decision is made about splitting the property.
He takes lithium for his bipolar disorder, but yesterday when he was released from jail, he went to the ER because he was apparently vomiting profusely and was found to have lithium toxicity. So now he's not taking his lithium and I'm sure he will use this as an excuse to not take it anymore.
Unless the husband is a very selfish - sm
SOB, he will understand that the child comes first. Yes, I agree you should not neglect your husband by giving all your time and attention to the child, but at the same time he must understand that when you do have free time, you won't be using it to massage his ego (or wherever else) as you will probably be too tired. Taking care of a baby is very tiring though it is not hard unless you have a colicky baby. What little time you do get to yourself (when they nap) you will probably nap yourself (I did sometimes) as you will be beat. Yes, your relationship will change with your husband, and some get weirded out by seeing their child be born and won't get near you for a while; Freud could explain it. Mine got a bit weird but it only lasted a couple months; he was much better the second time around (plus he did not see #2 be born so I think that helped); he was home taking care of #1; mom was with me. Both my husband and I put the kids first, though lately (finally) we have been trying to get out more on our own now that they are older (7 & 9); so we have the occasional date now (once every 3 months or so) which is crucial to maintaining your relationship though I'd recommend more often if possible (i.e. once or twice a month would be nice). I would not overly worry about that aspect of things, just keep your common sense and you will be fine.
He is selfish, that's why, and will not change! nm
/
You sound very selfish.
You wouldn't be where you are today without her, so deal with it. It's your own guilt you're dealing with. My mother had two hips and two knees done and I helped her every time all while working on-site part-time and at home part-time with two little ones. Well, she died 2 years ago, and I miss her so. My kids miss her more. I only wish I could have her interrupt me one more time so I could thank you for all she's done.
Selfish parents
People are selfish these days...no one wants to be bothered with their own kids...and before you think I am TOO old, I am only 49 with 18 and 24 year old sons. I've been involved in all their things all their lives...that is why I had children. A DD too sounds like she resents having to help her children with homework and extracurricular activities. That is the price you pay for the joy of raising your children...get over it. My dh and I have been active in our kids sports and school all their lives and it just shocks me at how many people give their 8-10 year olds $20 and tell them go play somewhere while they are out at a hockey rink, or school gym and these are the kids causing trouble or running around like banchees. Someone could snatch them up at any time and then they'd be wringing their hands and crying. Also I'm shocked that kids cannot make change without a calculor or don't know how to spell or read very well. Before my kids started kindergarten they knew their numbers, colors, letters, could print their name and could read some words, because my husband and I spent the time with them to teach them, spent time WITH them. that is what you do when you're a parent...sorry but this is my biggest pet peeve about parents today.
You are not selfish at all, but I would say to wait (sm)
Wait until you know if you want children or not. You really should not get married, no matter how much you love this guy, until you know the answer to that. Because it is a very important factor. If he wants children and later you realize you do not, that will be a big, big, big stumbling block in your marriage and one that neither one can honestly give in on. For me, I was late 20s and suddenly every time I saw a Pampers commercial I would cry because I wanted a child so badly. LOL! I don't think that happens to everyone who wants to be a parent though! :) Just picture yourself 10 years from now...do you want to be pursuing your career heavily? Do you want the responsibility of children? Do you see them as a job or a gift? If you can visualize yourself 5 or 10 years from now, you can see what you want. Meanwhile...go to a nursery at church or to a friend's house who has babies and spend some time with them, hold them and play with them and see if you feel the urge to have some of your own. If not, it is not selfish at all, it is just how you feel and what you want. But to marry him knowing that he wants children when you are not sure if you do would be definitely a selfish thing to do. Try to figure that out before you tie the knot. Best wishes to you :-)
I hate that selfish
crap
Why is it selfish to have a child and not be making
at least 100,000 a year? Are you serious?!
We have 2 children and do not make quite that on combined salaries, but are very blessed in what we do have. Our children are happy and participate in activities outside the home, are well taken care of and have all the things they need and most of what they want. Last time I checked, having a kid and keeping them happy wasn't about keeping up with the Joneses. That is a warped sense of belonging that too many people have nowadays. Parents too who then pass it on to their kids. It's quite sad, really.
My first thought is that it is kind of selfish
that you would not do it just in case something happens with the two of you and you want more children. What if something happens and his next wife wants more children, even though he says now HE doesn't? Just my observation :)
That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. nm
nm
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