I'm 36, married 5 years, and still can't decide. I wish I had an answer for ya. But you're
Posted By: FL on 2008-12-26
In Reply to: How do you decide to have a baby? - feeling selfish
x
Complete Discussion Below:  marks the location of current message within thread
The messages you are viewing
are archived/old.
To view latest messages and participate in discussions, select
the boards given in left menu
Other related messages found in our database
I have been married almost 20 years
and have a very good relationship with my in-laws. My MIL is not my "best friend" but we are close. It is the little things she does that drive me crazy, but also make me love her as well. DH has 1 sister and she is a wonderful person. We are very different and if we were not related we would most likely not be "good friends" but due to our circumstances we have become very close. We vacation together and if not careful can talk for hours on the phone. I have been very blessed with my family. The same goes for my family, they adore my DH. Have always said "If you two ever divorce, "K" can come home. LOL
I'm not - been married 13 years and still (sm)
act like I'm a visitor who they just allow to hang around. MIL is the queen bee and gets to host every event. On mother's day, she is always the guest of honor, even though I am the one still raising children. So many things I could say..but I'll stop now.
Have been married a little over 20 years and
couldn't be happier. We knew after just a month of dating that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We married a year later and have never had any major problems what-so-ever. We renewed our vows at 10 years (just the two of us at a small chapel) and then at 20 years did the same thing but included our children. This man is truely a gift from God. He does not have a temper, he has incredible patience, and is a wonderful father. I just wished he liked yardwork a little more. LOL!
Married, none in probably 2 years or more. NM
,
we have been married 7 years, together for 12
it hasn't always been like this. I just feel that she does not have to like me, i could care less, but if she is going to come to my house she should at least respect me in my house!!
Been married 29 years..............
First, depends on your hubby. Before your anniversary rolled around, is he the type that typically remembers important dates, i.e., birthdays (your birthday, mom's, dad's, etc.?) If not, then he may just be one of those guys that needs to be "informed" a little before those important dates, so as to refresh his memory.
Any reason to believe he isn't happy married to you? What if he really does have something planned for you and is waiting until after he gets off work? When he comes home, I would see if anything has changed. If you have something to give him, then hand it over and see where it goes from there. Are you planning a nice meal or something special? Even if he just flat out forgot, chances are he is going to feel terrible when you refresh his memory and HE SHOULD! And he should offer to make it up to you.....then I'd let him off the hook....this one time!
Try not to worry all day. I know your feelings are hurt and for good reason but see how things go when he comes homes from work. Just don't completely let him off the hook. If you do now, then he will no doubt continue and I find that disrespectful. Sometimes wives just have to teach their husbands SOME things just will not go unattended!!
19 years, married x 28
x
yep, alive and well. Married almost 29 years now. nm
Ten years difference here, been married
for 7 years, his first and my eeks, 4th but this is the last, I promise...
I've been married 20 years, and
I can usually figure out a way to motivate mine. He does take after his stubborn mother, but ve haff vays, hehehehe.
Happily married for over 20 years.
aklfjlajfljfdlaj
I was married to one for twelve years!
And, yes, I got out. I knew something was very wrong when I was fresh from a sprained ankle, hobbling in the kitchen making lunch on crutches, soothing my hungry 3 year old, and the phone rang. My husband, sitting in the easy chair five feet away from the phone in the living room, yelled for me to pick it up. I blew up, yelled a lot, stormed (as much as I could on crutches) outside. Eventually he came out to berate me, asked me why I was so angry and - would you believe it -
I DIDN'T KNOW !!!.
We still stayed married three years after that, but it gave me the impetus to think. He was (is, I guess) an alcoholic but had stopped drinking by then, and I couldn't figure out why I still didn't like him! Everything was about him. Any argument got turned around so that I was the one being unreasonable. I thank God to this day, twenty-five years later, that He gave me the strength to get out. I've been married, now, for twenty years to a completely different man, and have never had a nanosecond of regret! Life CAN be better! (incidentally, he's been married and divorced twice since us - Just can't seem to figure out what he's doing wrong, I guess).
Have been married to close to 10 years
and what in the world are you talking about that a relationship requires work? My hubby and I really mesh together wonderfully and I work at my job, but at my marriage?? We love each other, respect each other, care about each other and I am puzzled by the having to work at a marriage....What is hard about a marriage?
When I got married the first time (years ago!!) sm
I asked a very close friend that I could not have as a bridesmaid monitor my guest book - and I have no idea what happened to that book!! I would say it was nice that you were asked - it is a little bit of an honor if you will - but this late you are obviously a replacement for someone who may have had an emergency or something - and the bride will jsut have to accept your dress or ask someone else as you are out of town and don't have the time or money to purchase another dress at this point. Tell her thank you - you are honored - but you will have to pass???
Married 23 years. Never an invite to anything from
siblings in-law. DH's three sibs go on vacation together, hang out, etc. MIL has always been a scared little rabbit, afraid of every part of life, and worries that the breeze might change direction, or that the world may come to an end. Both are equally horrendous events in her eyes.
We'd only all get together when I invited anyone over. Now that I've stopped, I never see them. FIL, who was a really nice guy, died last November. I haven't seen any of the sib-in-laws since then. I see MIL when she needs something, because the other three barely pitch to help their old mother. I'm sure that when she dies, we'll never see DH's siblings ever.
We've been married for 22 years and
I've had my own checking account for the last 15. It is so much easier, IMO. In fact, he just recently opened his own separate checking account over the summer. So we have our joint account, which I rarely touch, and we each have our own.
And I agree that Christmas is for everyone. I'm as bad as the kids on Chrismtas Eve, as far as not being able to sleep. It's my favorite holiday. We get to see my whole family and DH's whole family and spend time together. Love it. In fact, it's my year to cook dinner for DH's family and I'm so excited.
I've been married 21 years.
I really think God picked us for each other, and that happiness will not be found with another as long as we both shall live.
It's not that we never squabble or fuss or have the occasional day where we almost pretend the other doesn't exist. But I know that the only other person I could stand to spend this much time with would be my twin sister. These are the only 2 people I can be completely open with, be myself with. When it's good, it's really great.
We have furkids only.
I've been married 13 years and
I would never allow my husband to tell me who I can and cannot see. If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up to him until closer to her visit. As you said, who is he to say where your sister can and cannot go. As the time approaches, a week or so in advance, I would simply tell him that your sis will be in town next week and you are planning on seeing her. If he throws a fit, let him. It seems to me, he gets away with this because you let him.
If the situation arises where he becomes intolerable, perhaps you could spend the night at sis's hotel room catching up. Let him stay home. It's his loss, but it doesn't have to be yours as well.
You've been married 15 years
and you've put up with it for 15 years. There's really no reason for him to change, is there? You've allowed him to do this to you.
Sorry to be so blunt.
No, married 8 years and counting and
my husband has not even raised a finger to me, much less tried to hit me. We have never had an argument, really. I tell him my opinion and he says, don’t I have anything to say in this and I tell him no, my opinion is the only one that counts around here and he says, oh.. That is the end of that, hehe. We are like a couple of love birds. This marriage has been wonderful.
Been married 21 years (soon to be 22). His hug alone rejuvenates me. sm
Being able to carry on a conversation with him is great. Sometimes we are thinking the same thing, and then it just kind of comes out. We smile/laugh and then continue talking about it. We have 3 kids ranging from 10 to 21. We have definitely had our ups and downs (whoa buddy those early years!). I know this will offend some and sorry......... but nothing more fun than when I am cooking dinner (or he is for that matter) and he walks up behind me and grabs me and says I love you (and nope not to have sex..just because). I know to some that is offensive, but I don't look at it that way. We actually decided this weekend to start giving ourselves a couple of hours alone away from the kids. First time in a very long time. We took the kids out to dinner on Valentines as a family and then later we went to another restaurant and just sat in the bar and had 1 margarita each and talked. Thoroughly enjoyed it!
Love can last a very, very long time. Takes a little work, a little patience....and whatever else needs to be thrown in the mix to make it work.
Have a wonderful week everyone!
Met in a bar, married 2 weeks later, 31 years ago.
And still happy for the most part!
I feel the same, though married now 13 years - sm
years ago my DH made me promise to wait until the kids were 18 to remarry. I promised as (1) remarring would not be high on my priority list especially if the kids were young (2) I don't know if I'd want to give up my new found freedom when I do eventually become a widow (in theory, he is 7 years older). We have our ups and downs and I would miss him but I certainly would not be in any hurry to replace him. Funny how most men run out and remarry fast though, and most women don't. I know some women just have to have a man but I think I would be quite content later in life to be on my own.
I used to let it slide, but I've been married 23 years.
Probably about year 5 or so, when we had children and she felt it necessary to comment on my mothering, I finally just gave it right back to her. She has four children, and the only one who turned out well was my husband, and I'm quite sure it's because he spent a lot of time away from home when he was growing up.
She lives just down the street, and now that we know where we stand, we have no problems.
DH and I are polar opposites and married for 24 years.
On our very first date, we went to a party held at the apartment of one of his friends. We got there, and all he wanted to do was sit and watch what was going on. He didn't socialize, barely talked and seemed completely uncomfortable. I was irritated and went off to meet people and dance and have a good time. He took me home, told me he had a nice time (I wondered how), and he kissed me goodnight very sweetly with his thumbs sort of hooked into his pockets like a cowboy. He didn't even embrace me, but somehow he made an impression. To this day, I tell everyone that it was THE worst first date I have ever been on, and yet here we've been married all this time.
At first we tried to compromise and do things together, and just as you say, there was always one of us not really having a good time. We'd both end up resenting each other and would think, "If he/she really loved me, he/she would want to be part of my world and share my interests." My husband is an introvert, but he does have his interests. He's a runner; a serious competitive runner at the age of 50. He's good at it, and he loves it. He's very involved in his track club. I'm proud of him, but for me it's dead boring to drive for hours and then sit next to a track all day waiting for him to run a 2-minute race.
By the same token, I love being outdoors. Hubby is NOT an outdoor kind of guy. He hates camping. I love backpacking. He's afraid to be out of his comfort zone. I like trying new things. He's afraid of animals. I think it's a great day when I see a bear or a snake along the trail.
After a few years of compromising, we just decided to do our own thing and support each other. We don't take long vacations together anymore, but we do get away for romantic weekends or have quiet dates now and then.
What we came to realize is that we see each other every day. We like our home life together. We enjoy that. Our separate interests only take a fraction of our lives together, so we pursue those on our own, then come back and enjoy being together again. On any given weekend, he'll be running somewhere and I'll be hiking somewhere else. On Sunday evening, we're back together again for the rest of the week. Once or twice a year, we go away, but we go to separate places. He may be off running somewhere with his club while I'm home. Another week, he's at home and I'm out hiking on the Appalachian trail. We did this even when our children were small. I have to admit, it's much easier now that the kids are older. This past summer I drove to Wyoming from Philadelphia with our 18 year-old. Hubby didn't want to take that much time from work, but we talked every day, and he was excited to hear about our adventure.
So, even if you don't like the same things, it can be done. You just have to get past the idea that you're "supposed" to be together, or want to be together all the time. That's not necessarily so. I think that doing your own thing and supporting each other in your individuality actually makes each of you more interesting to the other. So, if you like going out with the girls, have fun. Tell him all about it when you get home. If he prefers to stay in and watch a movie, he can tell you about the movie, and when you're done sharing, you snuggle up and say, "I'm so glad we're together again." Enjoy your time together and make the most of that.
Been married 1-1/2 years...still 2-3 times DAILY and still very hot for us...
I dunno....started off just as intense physical attraction, moved to serious feelings, living together, marriage, and we still both want each other 2-3 times a day.
I don't know if we're just really lucky or really just freaks, lol!!!
Years ago when I was still married the same thing happened to me. My
ex husband's friend was cheating on his wife. They used to go to his cabin in the woods where he went deer hunting. This guy would use us an excuse and both he and his mistress would park their cars in our driveway. Used to really get me in a mood when I came home and there was no place to park because they were in our driveway. With me it's all water under the bridge because we have been divorced for many years, but to be honest it was one of the things that did it for me. My husband and I had a very different view on moral issues. Seems the longer I was with him the more apparent that became. I refuse to have that going on in my house. To make matters worse, my ex's friend once divorced and was married again to the same woman, still cheating on her. She is a lovely woman and probably to this day loves him and never found out.
My aunt married a guy 28 years older
than her with 4 children, 2 older than her. (his 1st wife died when their youngest was 4, 10 years previously). They were married for 37 years, had 2 kids of their own, and everything worked for them, marired until he died. She and his family got along great, her parents on the other hand, had a rough time dealing with it until their 1st child was born.
My son married girl 18 years younger..and
it's his third marriage and her second. He is around 18 years older than her. The problems you described started to show up in the second or third year, but they have gotten through that stage and they both now get along good and enjoy each other's differences...each one understanding and respecting the ways of the other and each one changing for the better. THis has been his longest relationship...six years. And they have similar interests and have fun together and are fun to be around.
Same here. Married 25 years and it does not feel like work.
Perhaps we do work at it, and it just doesn't feel like it. But, I also have to say that both my husband and I are very independent, self-confident people. Even when we were dating, we did not feel the need to be with each other 24/7. We have very separate interests and pursue them to the point of even taking separate vacations at times. Early on we saw no reason to "compromise" and be only partially happy with what we were doing. There are certainly things that we enjoy doing together, but just not everything. We also decided early on to compartmentalize our lives and give certainly responsibilities 100% to the other spouse. He handles the money 100%. I handled the kids and the house 100%. That included delegation! So if I needed hubby to pitch in and do laundry, dishes, etc. That would happen. If he needed me to help with something that usually fell under this area of responsibility, I did it. I suppose that part is the compromise, but it doesn't feel like it.
We have friends who have been married just as long as we have, and I don't know how they stand marriage! Everything they do is together. They can't decide on a color of paint for the wall without big discussions. One can't go to bed unless the other is ready for bed, as well. That sort of thing would suffocate me and my husband. I suppose we're well matched, and so we're lucky.
I was married for 13 years and 2 years
after my divorce I met the most incredible man. He was also divorced, we both have 2 kids, and though we are not married, we have been together for 9 years. They are still out there, you may have to go through a few marginal ones before you find him, but they are out there and available.
I'm 20 months older than my hubby, married 23 years so far! -nm
x
Going to be 29 years in May, married as kids(!), it depends on what shifts we are working/overtime,
All in all, three kids later, it is "whenever," sometimes frequent, sometimes just being able to snuggle and be lone together is what we need!
2 years is a long time to be doing what you're doing.
nm
We loved our piggies, too, and they live for several years if you're lucky. Find
s
Short answer: Yes, it's VERY rude. Long answer inside.
I wouldn't want my husband to ask, either. In fact, if he did and the people said yes, I still wouldn't go and stay with them, because I'd feel like they were pressured. Believe me, if they wanted you to come and stay with them at any point in the last 10 years, they'd have asked you. I, too, live near a vacation destination, and I hate it when people ask to stay with me. They're the rude ones for asking, but it puts me in an uncomfortable position of trying to politely say no. And it seems that when I do say no, the thwarted "guest" then complains to everyone else in our social circle that we are cheap, mean and unwelcoming.
Tell your husband to crack open the wallet and pay for a hotel.
Let us know what you decide - nm
nm
I think you should tell them and let them decide what they want to do.
My husband died six months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. My niece, who just turned 12, has always been extremely close to my husband and me, and spends a lot of time at our house. LIke your children, she had never experienced death in a close relative before. The day he died, my brother and sister-in-law picked her up from school and broke the news to her. She was sad of course and she cried for quite a while.
Her parents gave her the choice of what she wanted to do in regards to go to the funeral home and/or attend the funeral. She chose to come to the funeral home and sit with me, and to attend the funeral.
She later wrote on the subject when the class had to write an essay at school about a life altering event. She wrote about how much she loved her uncle and she felt that was her last chance to say goodbye, as she didn't get to say goodbye before he died. She was sad that he died suddenly and she didn't know ahead of time, and that seemed to hurt her a lot, even though nothing could change that.
As for me, her presence at that time made me feel a little better. My husband's death has made she and I even closer. She's very smart and mature for her age. She knows sometimes when I get a little sad, that I'm thinking of my husband, and she totally understands, cause she still misses him too.
I know this is kind of rambling, but I hope it makes sense. I think kids want to be a part of our experiences, the good and the bad, and I think to exclude them, even when you think you're protecting them, makes them feel left out.
Good luck to you and your family. My prayers are with you.
So then why take any drugs at all? Or why not let's just decide which
x
Couldn't decide whether to
laugh or vomit with that story!
if you decide to give
my suggestion would be to get something bigger than 0-3 months. they go through that stage so quickly and lots of people give that size.
How do you decide to have a baby?
This is different for EVERYONE I'm sure, but in general, if any of you are mothers... did you decide the time was right, did it just happen... did you plan?
I've been told if you wait until you can afford to have children, you'll never have them...
The predicament is this. my future husband is ready to have a baby now. He wants to be a father, and as much as this makes me fall in love with him all over again, I joked with him that his biological clock was ticking and he said in all seriousness, that he guesses it is. However, mine is not. Not now. Will this happen to me? Does it happen to every woman at some point? We are in our late 20s, but I am just asking in general, how do you compromise on something as big as having a baby? I do want a family and children, but I guess I'm just looking for people's stories on this one... Thank you!
How do you decide to have a baby?
This is different for EVERYONE I'm sure, but in general, if any of you are mothers... did you decide the time was right, did it just happen... did you plan?
I've been told if you wait until you can afford to have children, you'll never have them...
The predicament is this. my future husband is ready to have a baby now (when i say now, we would wait until after marriage). He wants to be a father, and as much as this makes me fall in love with him all over again, I joked with him that his biological clock was ticking and he said in all seriousness, that he guesses it is. However, mine is not. Not now. Will this happen to me? Does it happen to every woman at some point? We are in our late 20s, but I am just asking in general, how do you compromise on something as big as having a baby? I do want a family and children, but I guess I'm just looking for people's stories on this one... Thank you!
Easy for men to decide
Some guys are good dads - willing to pitch in and help take care of the child's needs, and give it plenty of time and attention.
There are quite a few guys out there that like the IDEA of a child - as long as it doesn't cramp their style. This means it all devolves upon the mother - care of the child 24/7, criticism from him and his family if you aren't doing it their way, but of course any bragging rights are all theirs.
Then there are the demands of academia - when your child gets sent home with a backpack full of paperwork to review on a nightly basis, whose job will that be?
Another thought is the possibility of divorce down the road - what happens then? Quite a few dads who let mom do all the work suddenly become superdad when the thought of child support comes along, and they will do anything to win custody so that YOU have to pay THEM. Even if you win custody, the head games with visitation schedules, daddy's new girlfriend pushing her way into the picture, etc. never end.
Be careful. Having a baby to stroke a man's ego can get very messy very fast. Its a huge responsibility and too often the mother does all the work and the father takes all the credit. Take the worst case scenarios into consideration before you decide.
So who gets to decide what is illegal and what is not? You? sm
That's a slippery slope. Like the poster below who wants sugar taxes - actually that's not a bad idea since sugary drinks and snacks are making our kids fat. Let's see - then we should tax fast food or control the amount that fatties can eat, right?
Where does it end?
Still trying to decide whether to have a hysterectomy. See message
I posted last week about my dilema about whether to have a hysterectomy or not after my left ovarian cyst (which was removed along with ovary) came back with a pathology report stating papillary serous tumor, borderline. Doctor says I should have hysterectomy for "insurance" and preventative measures. However, according to their group discussion, my tumor was borderline, but "more on the benign side". I am so confused. I'm 42 and I don't want to have a hysterectomy, but yet, I don't want to have a problem with cancer either. I have the option to follow every six months. Is this safe? Am I better off getting a hysterectomy? I just don't know what to do!!!!
So even animals help decide our fate???
Where did you read this or learn about this? I've never heard that animals will speak for or against us on judgement day...interesting. Guess I'm in the clear, I don't do animals, don't own them, don't abuse them, don't like 'em!
Be careful if you decide to wean
and hand feed with formula and syringe. Don't know about your type of birds, but I have a parrot that I hand fed with a syringe and the breeders instructed me and watched me do it myself to be sure I was doing it correctly before they let me take him home. Apparently you can kill them if it goes down the wrong way, but it was really easy feeding him. Maybe there's somebody in your area who is a bird expert you could talk to?
I re-read, so you do live together - you have to decide if he is (sm)
going to function as a dad or not, and if so, you need to BOTH be involved in decisions, not just him. If he is not going to function as dad, he should not be involved in conferences at all.
Mercy is for God to decide - she should rot where she lays
I posted below - but have more to say. She needs to rot where she lies. That may sound harsh but I have no compassion for her and anyone else involved in those horrendous crimes they committed. "Charles Mansion brainwashed me" or whatever it is she claims. Oh brother - let me get my violin out. She knew what she was doing. You would think at some point while she is in the act of doing the horrendous things she did she would think somewhere in her pea brain - wait a minute, this is not right, and she could have easily sneaked out or called the police or something. I lived across the whole country (east coast) and still felt the horror that happened to them. It was hard growing up knowing that those pieces of garbage were out there and it could have happened to any of us just as easily. They just happened upon that house. I had nightmares because of it. Between that and the Hillside strangler and all the other creeps out there, it was hard not to have nightmares. She committed the crimes and she needs to do her time. She had no mercy for Sharon Tate and her unborn child and she so much as said so. Why she would think the court should have mercy on her. Brain tumor? Good and I hope its a very painful death for her. I always say do unto others. If she committed torture, then she should be tortured. The only one she should be asked Mercy for is from God. Maybe she should contact Roman Polanski and ask him if he thinks she should be let out early. "I would like to be out one day" Give me a break! I'm sure Sharon Tate and the other people would have liked to live. They should tell her and her family that they have no right in asking to be let out. I don't care if she can't sit up in bed. That is her problem. In fact I think they should post all the crime scene photos in her cell and let her look at those day after day and say until she dies and tell her this is why you are not being let out. Besides, if she has brain cancer who knows what she will be thinking as it progresses. Well I'm glad she's "not the same person than when she went in". But then again that's what all the prisoners say too. She did the crime - do the time (and I hope she suffers. I have no tolerance for what she did).
Is that good? I can't decide whether this would be tasty or not? nm
.
|
